Original subtitles

[theme music]

[indistinct chatter]

I'll be back. I'm free.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[Freddy laughing]

[instrumental music]

Marriage..

Holy padlock.

Every man's worst nightmare.

Is this the end of freedom as I know it?

Ladies and gentlemen, you judge.

Can we live happily ever after?

Or am I dicing with doom?

[sighs] Talk about a major league mistake.

(Gavin) 'You can't call it off.'

I still owe ten payments on the engagement ring.

I'm talking about the videotape.

And your so called narration.

Now, you are the one who wanted to preview

the look of tomorrow.

You better not act weird at the church.

I thought you loved me for my sick mind.

It's important to me, please.

Look, I'll be good tomorrow. I promise.

Gavin, this is important.

If you're having doubts, real doubts..

...let's not go through with it.

Come on, Jess, I love you.

I know you do, but I want this marriage to work.

If you don't wanna run the whole race, I wanna know now, Gavin.

'Not in six months. Not when it's too late.'

[doorbell dings]

[door opens]

Hey, the best men are ready to roll.

Wow! Very nice dress, Jessica.

I thought it was bad luck.

You know, to see the bride in her virgin costume.

[laughing]

Enjoy your bachelor party, Gavin.

Oh, don't worry, we will have him back in one piece.

At least, we'll try.

[door slams]

[instrumental music]

[car honking]

[indistinct chatter]

This is your last night, Gavin.

We think you oughta go for it.

Go for what?

One night stand.

One last blast before you disappear

beyond the valley of monogamy.

I haven't.

Well, not since I met Jessica.

Think of yourself as a long distance trucker

and this is your last gas for 200 miles.

Guys, I don't think so.

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

[groans]

Ow!

[glasses clinking]

[groans]

(Gavin) 'Jess is nervous.'

Her parents had a lousy marriage.

- She wants ours to be great. - Not a problem.

Just wave my magic wand and turn you into..

...Ken and Barbie.

[laughing]

I'm 22.

I keep thinking, maybe, I'm too young.

[sighs]

You are.

Yup.

I've never been very good at commit..

Commitment.

As a kid, you couldn't stick to a paper route.

[laughing]

I keep having these bad dreams about it.

Just wait till they start becoming real. Ha ha.

Come on, man.

For richer or poorer..

Better, for worse.

[laughing]

[grunts]

You're right!

Damn it, I'll do it!

- One last fling. - Oh.

The triumph of male hormones!

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

It's time for our boy to face the music

with rap master.

Ready!

[laughing]

I don't do it with married men.

Hey, I'm not married yet.

Try my friend, JJ.

She specializes in your type.

[music continues]

- Wow! - Hot stuff.

[cheering]

[laughing]

[music continues]

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

I have to take a number? For what?

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

Next.

Two can play that game.

- 'Hey!' - 'Hey, buddy!'

- 'Whoo!' - 'Alright.'

Hey, you set me up.

Hey, last gas for 200 miles.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

Can't go yet.

We have a surprise for you

(female #1) 'Boys, check this out.'

- You're gonna love this. - 'Yeah!'

[crowd laughing]

Okay, gang, this is Gavin' last night as a single man

'To help make this a memorable occasion'

we have invited a woman

whose stimulating talents

has been known to raise the World Trade Tower

two stories.

'Presenting..'

...the stripper from hell.

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

[applauding]

[howling]

Yeah, baby!

- 'Alright!' - 'Ow!'

Guys, this is kind of uncomfortable.

What's wrong?

Getting a little hot?

[laughter]

Now, boys and girls, thereal<

is about to begin.

[applauding]

[whistling]

[instrumental music]

[applause]

(stripper) 'Well, what should we strip off first?'

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

How about we strip away poor Gavin's delusions?

- 'Alright.' - 'Yeah. Yeah.'

[intense music]

- 'Go!' - 'Take it out, come on.'

Gavin here, thinks he might be afraid of a little commitment.

- 'What?' - 'Ooh!'

(all) Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!

What he's really afraid of is intimacy.

- 'Ah.' - 'Oh, yeah?'

He doesn't know how to be close.

(all) Boo!

He's also afraid of responsibility.

(all) 'Yeah!'

You should see him buckle when the going gets tough.

(all) 'Boo!'

[music continues]

We know he's afraid of sexual boredom.

But did you also know

he doesn't have the stomach to be unfaithful?

- 'What?' - 'Oh!'

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

You gotta work on that, handsome.

I know a lot of girls who'll be glad

to enroll you in the disease-of-the-month club.

[laughing]

Time to strip it all the way!

- 'Alright!' - 'Yeah!'

- 'Take it off!' - 'Take it off!'

- 'Take it off!' - 'More!'

[intense music]

[cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

[cheering]

You're afraid she'll become her mother.

You're afraid she'll want children before you're ready.

- 'Yeah.' - 'That's right.'

'You are afraid she'll get fat'

and spend your money and drive you mad

with the mindless, tedious, soul destroying details

of the life in the ultimate slow lane.

We're talking marriage, Gavin.

The long slow treadmill to death!

[eerie music]

Hope you've enjoyed your last night of freedom, Gavy baby.

I love her, dammit!

I love her.

Then you'd better learn how to stand up to your fears.

- 'Yeah.' - 'That's right.'

Hit it, boys.

- 'Yeah.' - 'Yeah.'

[wood creaking]

[Gavin screaming]

[gasps]

[bird chirping]

(Jessica) 'You look like death warmed over.'

You like your surprise?

'I got it for our honeymoon.'

How.. H-how did I get home?

Your so called best men dropped you on the doorstep

rang the bell and ran away.

Oh, you look beautiful.

How was last night?

I'm glad it's over.

What do you mean it's..

Have you given it any thought to what I said?

About calling off the marriage.

Jess, look..

...I won't be a perfect husband.

Hell, I won't even come close.

But I'll give it my best shot.

'I'll work at it.'

Jess, I wanna spend my life with you.

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

Look, I'm marrying your daughter because I love her

not because I want a promotion.

Hmm, whether you like it or not

you're now vice president in charge of marketing.

I'm not ready, sir, I mean, perhaps in a couple of years--

I am not having my son-in-law kick around the bullpen

with the other phone jockeys.

Jessica's waiting for us, David--

She can wait five more minutes.

You're also getting a $20,000 raise.

- Mr. Jordan, I don't-- - I don't like you much, Gavin.

But you're at least one step up from Jessica's usual parade

of morons from outer space.

(Gavin) 'Well, thanks for the vote of confidence.'

(Jordan) 'Oh, you turned out alright.'

'Eventually I'll whip you into shape.'

(Gavin) 'I've got somethin' to look forward to, sir.'

(Jordan) 'And so do I.'

'Paying for this whole damn affair.'

(Marianne) 'Jessica's in that little cubicle, waiting for us.'

She must be very nervous. Please.

Dammit, Marianne, it's bad enough I had to cancel

my Saturday golf game for this.

Why couldn't you elope?

I guess Jessica thought you'd enjoy giving her away.

Let's get this over with.

[instrumental music]

["Here Comes The Bride" music]

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

Dearly beloved

we are gathered here in the sight of God

to join this couple

Gavin Nicholas Evans

'and Jessica Molly Jordan'

'in the bounds of holy matrimony.'

'The union of husband and wife is intended by God'

'for their mutual joy'

'for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity'

and adversity, and when it's God's will

'for the procreation of children.'

[cheering]

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

(male guest #1) 'They're gonna cut the cake.'

[applauding]

Happy ever after.

Happy ever after.

Ow!

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music]

Well, we haven't made love in two weeks.

Oh, it can't be that long.

Actually it's 15 days, 11 hours.

Why are we so busy all the time?

We just have to find room for it.

How about Thursday, the 19th?

- Give me a break. - Wait a second, wait a second.

Let's make it Friday, the 20th.

I'll be at maximum ovulation.

I'm going out tonight.

With who?

Danny and David.

Where?

Do I need your permission?

Gavin, I don't mind, I'm just curious.

I mean, this is the first time I've been out by myself

since our honeymoon, six weeks.

You don't have to justify it.

Yeah, but you're hurt, aren't you?

Just by the tone of your voice.

I mean, you're always asking me where I've been.

You're always asking me when I'll be back.

You never used to be like this.

You used to come home at 5:00. Now, you come home at 8:00.

Well, that's your father's fault.

You used to be romantic.

Now, you never kiss me unless you want sex.

Yeah.

And I used to get homemade fettuccine.

Now, all I get is Lean Cuisine in the microwave.

What happened to the flowers you used to bring me?

Why don't you ever wear dress anymore?

All I ever see you in is sweatpants.

Go, get out! Get out of here!

I'm gone.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Firm, blonde..

We could've use you, Gavin

I mean, we had our hands full.

Why can't my life be that shallow?

How's the wedding ring getting, a little tight?

(Gavin) Too tight.

In fact it feels like it's glued on.

I'm planning to amputate the damn finger.

Maybe I can help.

[music continues]

I'd say you owe me a drink

You were at my wedding.

I live next door to the church.

I'm a wedding crasher.

I cry at every one of them it's better than therapy.

- What's your name? - Red.

Just red.

Well, I can see why.

I can feel some chemistry happening here.

Ring may be in my pocket, but I'm still married.

But you're not happy, are you?

I love Jessica.

Just hate what marriage does to me.

Come home with me.

We can talk about it.

Hey, no strings attached.

You can back out any time you like.

[door opens]

[door closes]

I think this might be a mistake.

Oh, don't let my isolation tank scare you.

It's great for, uh, meditation.

Have a seat.

Why don't you tell me all about lovely Jessica?

We're gonna have so much more fun later

if you get her off your chest now.

Hmm?

Trouble is, I love her.

Then why are you here with me?

Do you like me too?

I think he's tons better than Stephen King.

Hmm?

I'm here because..

I don't know.

I guess I needed someone to talk to.

My favorite's "Beyond Good and Evil."

Now there's a real page-turner.

You didn't come here to talk.

Be honest, hmm?

But you said that, no strings are attached--

If you were really interested in saving your marriage

you'd be talking to your wife.

You'd be going to a marriage counsellor.

You'd be fighting to get the romance

back in your marriage.

(Gavin) I'd better go.

[dramatic music]

A typical new husband.

As soon as the going gets tough

you put on your track shoes and you take off.

I thought you'd be more compassionate.

Enerchi didn't believe in compassion.

He believed in assertion.

So assert yourself.

Where's the key?

The key is in being patient... and loyal.

Otherwise, marriage is a death trap.

And I think you've already blown it.

What the hell is going on?

The perfect solution.

Oh, don't worry, I already hired someone to kill

your sweet little

[intense music]

[thud]

[Gavin groans]

You're gonna adore being my slave.

No commitment, no responsibility.

No intimacy.

And no love.

[chuckles]

(priest) 'And do you Gavin Nicholas Evans'

take Jessica for your lawful wedded wife?

Well, do you?

I do. I do.

Then I'm pleased to pronounce you man and wife.

Feel free to kiss the bride.

[organ music]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

If you thought romance was dead

now you know who to blame.

[gasps]

[sniffs] She loves me!

[chuckles]

[sniffs] She loves me not!

[sniffs] She loves me!

She loves me not!

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

Honeymoon's over, Mrs. Evans.

Oh, put me down before you break your back

Well, who asked you to eat your way across Hawaii?

Oh, what's the matter, lover, you want skin and bones?

Or you want voluptuous?

Did I ever tell you my sure cure for jet lag?

[telephone ringing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

This is the newly-wed game, we're ready.

[bird chirping]

If you say so, dad.

What's wrong?

We've been ordered over for dinner tonight.

Command performance.

I'm sure he didn't put it that way.

I've been home for<i and already he's back

making my life miserable!

Hey, you're his daughter.

That's his job.

I'm married, now. He has no power over me anymore!

Hey, look, I know you two don't get along

but maybe tonight you can make a new start!

I mean, you gotta stop freakin' out

every time he pushes one of your buttons.

Don't youdare take his side, Gavin!

Don't you dare!

[instrumental music]

(Jessica) 'Dad?'

'Dad?'

You're up to something, dad, I heard it in your voice.

I'm busy, Jessica.

I wanna know what it is!

You'll find out tonight.

Something's wrong, isn't it?

Is it medical?

Nobody's dying.

Don't start spending your inheritance.

Then it's something between you and mom.

Don't push it.

I hate when you keep secrets from me, dad!

Just be here tonight.

7:00, sharp.

I hate when you threaten me like I'm still a little child!

Then grow up, Jessica.

Live your own life.

Stop being so damn obsessed with your parents.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Not bad for 40, huh?

I don't know why you chose me, baby

'but you're gonna have a good time.'

You don't talk much, do you?

[chuckles]

Now I get it.

You like to play games.

Come on, baby, let's get this shuttle in orbit.

Hey, what are you doin'?

Why're you getting dressed

You know, I bet you're married.

You saw my ring, so what?

How many kids?

One? Two?

'Oh, you better think again, baby.'

'You don't know who you're screwin' with.'

[shutter clicks]

You want money?

What is this, a rip-off?

Just your home number.

You're dead, little girl.

[dialing]

Excuse me, ma'am.

Well, did you know your husband's cheating on you?

You are dead, bitch!

You'll find him at the Springwood Park Hotel.

Bridal suite.

[panting]

[panting]

[panting]

[chime music]

Pop! Ha ha! Goes the weasel.

Now, that's the kind of song that'll

really carve a place in your heart, hmm.

[laughter]

Mommy, is that you?

[chuckling]

[music continues]

[moaning]

Daddy, who's that lady?

And where's mommy?

(Jordan) 'You bad girl.'

'I'm getting the paddle!'

[music continues]

[chime music]

[chime music]

(Jordan) 'I'm not going to spank you, Jessica.'

Mommy, where are you?

She's not here, now stop this!

I want mommy!

[intense music]

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

[door creaking]

I'm scared of the paddle, daddy.

I'm sorry, I'll put it away.

Are you going to punish me?

Not if you can keep a secret.

Mommy told me never, never to keep secrets.

This is serious, Jessica.

Do you know what will happen

if you tell mommy about that lady upstairs?

- No. - Something bad would happen.

Worst than the boogeyman?

Much worse.

What is it?

It's what mommies and daddies call divorce.

Divorce starts when mommy and daddy have a big fight

[gunshots]

That sounds horrible.

'Then they stop talking to one another.'

Please, don't let that happen.

'Then mommy or daddy will move to another house.'

What about me? What happens to me?

(Jordan) If mommy and daddy get a divorce..

...we have to share you.

Half and half.

[machine whirring]

[screaming]

[screams]

I had that dream.

That same dream.

(Gavin) 'You know, this happens every time you fight with your dad.'

What time is it?

It's time to get dressed, or we'll be late for dinner.

Maybe we shouldn't go tonight.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

What your parents gonna do? Bite you?

You don't understand.

You know, you're right, I'll never understand.

Why do you let them drive you crazy?

You act like you're responsible for them.

Dad sneezes, you get a cold.

Mom gets a headache, you take the blame.

It's nuts.

Gavin, please back off a bit.

I need your help tonight.

I'm sorry.

You know, truth is, uh

we probably are in for a very boring evening.

We've made your favorite tonight, Jessy.

Roast beef, rare.

Hmm, I can taste the blood already.

Your father's just putting on the finishing touches.

They're here, dear.

It's about time.

[whirring]

[dramatic music]

[chime music]

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

(Gavin) 'I'm so full I could die.'

(Jordan) 'I'll be glad to carve you some more.'

(Marianne) 'Jessica, do you want your father to carve you so more?'

I-I guess I'm not hungry.

Um, how about dessert?

I think we should tell them now, Marianne.

We decided to wait till after your honeymoon.

...to make this announcement.

Jessie, we didn't wanna spoil it for you.

Your mother and I are getting divorced.

'I know there's a certain irony to this--'

You can't, I won't let you.

(Marianne) 'Jessie, I know this is hard for you'

'but it's hard for us too.'

I kept my promise, dad.

I didn't say a word.

You have no right to do this!

What are you talking about?

You know damn well what I'm talking about!

I-I spent my whole life keeping you two together.

You're not going to do this to me.

Take it back.

(Gavin) 'Jess, what's wrong with you?'

'They're trying to make it easy for you.'

- Take it back. - 'Jessie, please.'

Take it back or I'll tell, I'll tell, I'll tell..

Jess, come on, let's go home.

Jessie, please.

I never told mom about that lady, dad.

I never told her about any of your la-la-ladies.

I kept my promise.

Gavin, get her out of here!

Mommy, he made me swear.

Jessie, I knew about the other women.

- You knew? - I've always known.

[screaming]

[instrumental music]

[Jessica screaming]

Kill me, kill me!

Your place or mine, baby?

[crying]

I'm sorry for what I did.

It was a mistake.

I was crazy, I was mad at my father.

Yeah, I heard your parents are getting a divorce.

They sure suckered at you, didn't they?

All those years, it killed you keeping that secret, didn't it?

Poor little girl.

I'm so scared.

You were always scared.

Guess you saw yourself as the guardian of their marriage.

Big mistake.

What are you going to do?

Hey, your folks are getting a divorce.

Just like you always do.

'A thing like that can really cut a girl.'

[machine whirring]

[screaming]

No!

[screaming]

(Gavin) 'I know, doctor, I just wanted to see her for a second.'

I can't stand it.

'It happens every time she looks at me.'

Jess, please..

Jessie, please.

[screaming]

No. Get away! Get away!

Get away!

The ties that bind.

Ha ha ha.

The chains of love..

...unbreakable, indestructible.

And tasty too.

[laughing]

[theme music]