Original subtitles

>> Good evening.

Thank you for being with us again.

>> Time to make the donut.

>> Come on, come on.

>> Why?

>> It would be a problem if people knew you were doing the bagel girl.

>> How's the deposit, doesn't it?

>> It is.

>> What are you doing here?

>> This is apartment two, isn't it?

>> Very funny, Mother.

>> That's a pretty tough situation with those gal.

>> I have a very successful business, a

terrific daughter, whom I believe you've met.

>> And who may have said you've done a terrific job raising?

>> Close ass.

>> In our story tonight, you will see a very unusual barter take place.

>> I was thinking about asking out your mom.

>> My mom?

>> In this next scene, he plays a new and difficult role.

>> I'm probably way out of line here, but can I buy you dinner sometime?

>> I hope he makes it.

[MUSIC]

>> Well, let's get on with the show, huh?

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

>> Hello.

>> Hi.

>> Could I use your front door?

I would climb back over the wall, but I left my ladder on the other side.

>> I'm sure you wouldn't rather shimmy up the drain pipe.

[LAUGH]

>> No, thank you.

The door will be just fine.

[MUSIC]

>> You may not be aware of this, but right

after you declined my dinner invitation,

Hurricane Zelda moved in.

So I was wondering if I could bother you

for an old newspaper, perhaps a trash bag?

>> Sure.

Could you drip over by the plants?

The ficus could really use it.

>> Okay, Miss Weisenheimer.

>> No problem.

>> So what size are you?

Tall kitchen or lawn and garden?

>> Whatever.

>> Here you go.

[BLANK_AUDIO]

>> Thank you.

[BLANK_AUDIO]

>> Sharp.

>> Yes, well, I'm easy to buy for.

Good night.

>> Sure you don't want to take this?

>> No, no, no.

See, then I'd have to return it and believe

me, I don't want to have any reason ever

to have to bother you again.

>> You could bring it back Saturday night.

Is that around seven?

[BLANK_AUDIO]

>> Why?

>> I don't know.

There's something about a man in polyethylene.

>> She loves me.

She loves me.

She loves me.

>> Okay.

We don't have to wait until Saturday.

We can sleep.

>> Okay, great.

I'll see you Saturday.

[MUSIC]

>> That's a bad day.

One night I was having dinner with this guy.

I'm eating this really delicious carrot soup.

Something lands in my spoon.

I look up.

He's clipping his fingernails.

>> Oh, okay, okay, stop.

That's it.

>> Do I win?

>> You win, you win.

[LAUGHTER]

>> You know, I'm actually having a good time tonight.

>> Hard to believe, isn't it?

>> Well, I admit when I opened the door and I saw you standing there with a

bowling shirt.

>> You were skeptical, right?

I sensed that.

>> Well, what moved me the most was the personal nature of the gift.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Well, anyway, Guido, I should get going.

>> Yeah, it is a school night.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Well.

>> All right, here's your chance.

[MUSIC]

>> Do you really want to go?

>> Unless you want to do something.

>> Like what?

>> I don't know.

[MUSIC]

>> Take your time, Steve, take your time.

[MUSIC]

Take your time.

>> Uh, you want to dance?

>> Dance?

>> You know, just a quick one around the patio.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Sure, why not?

[MUSIC]

>> If you'd like, I can hum a little.

>> No, that's fine.

[MUSIC]

>> All right.

I think we should just stick with the simple stuff.

[MUSIC]

>> I'm telling you, she was great.

>> Okay, you mean like great or like really great?

>> Would you stop with the eyebrows?

Come on, we didn't have sex.

>> So what was the great part?

>> Bowling in '97?

>> Look, I really like her, okay?

And I don't want this to be one of those situations where you rush into bed

and then realize that the whole thing is a big, big mistake.

>> Oh, you mean like what happened with you and her daughter?

[MUSIC]

>> Yeah, yeah.

There's an example.

>> So did you guys have sex?

>> I don't think that's something I care to discuss with you.

>> You didn't have sex, did you?

>> Did you guys have homework to do?

>> Wow.

>> Martin and I did it like 10 minutes after we met.

>> I'm so glad you decided to share that.

>> Well, we know he's not gay.

It's not a medical thing.

>> Maybe it's you, Mom.

>> You know, Julie, this may be foreign to you, but for us,

it's important to go slowly and build a good foundation.

>> All right.

But when you finally do it, believe me, Mom, you won't be disappointed.

>> All right, that's it.

Sharing time is over.

[MUSIC]

>> Okay, here we go.

>> I learned this from my accountant, from my moon dog.

>> Very nice.

>> I warn you, this next move is illegal in certain parts of Mexico.

>> Arrest me.

>> I'll call the police right away.

>> Sorry.

>> That's okay.

I'll take care of it later.

>> I'm worried about you, buddy.

>> Oh, really?

>> Well, don't be, okay?

>> Well, I am.

I hate to say it, but I think you and

Kate are going to end up being friends .

>> What are you talking about?

That's ridiculous.

Has it ever occurred to you that friendship

at best is a rather docile asset ?

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

>> Don't listen to me.

It's ridiculous.

Do what you want.

Be pals.

[MUSIC]

>> No, no, no.

That is such bullshit.

>> Well, you can never have enough friends.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

>> You want to?

>> Yes.

[MUSIC]

>> Well, folks, the big day has finally arrived.

The sky is blue.

The field is in perfect condition.

And from here, it looks as though every seat in the stands is occupied.

>> Martin, can you help me with the back of my dress?

>> Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

[MUSIC]

>> Don't turn that dial, ladies and gentlemen.

It looks like we're in for some fireworks.

[MUSIC]

>> What a kick off.

Enormous hang time.

[MUSIC]

>> Takes the kick at the 20.

[MUSIC]

>> Hurry up, hurry up.

[MUSIC]

>> All right.

>> Yes.

[MUSIC]

>> He slammed.

[MUSIC]

>> We're teetering on the edge of total disaster.

[MUSIC]

>> Mine seems a million miles away.

[MUSIC]

>> It's all over.

[MUSIC]

>> Cheer up now.

A football game isn't the most important thing in the world.

[MUSIC]

>> Wow.

[MUSIC]

>> Yeah.

>> That was incredible.

>> Are you kidding?

>> Wasn't it?

[LAUGH]

>> That was really, really awful.

>> Really intense.

>> Definitely worth waiting for.

>> You bet.

[MUSIC]

>> You just have to do it over and over and over again.

[MUSIC]

>> Man, you suck today.

>> I mean, you were unbelievably bad.

>> Thank you.

>> I'm just saying every move you made was so lame.

>> Were you just sleep with her already because you're ruining my game?

>> I did sleep with her.

>> You asshole.

>> How could you not tell me?

>> So?

>> How was it?

>> Terrible.

>> Terrible.

>> Aw, horrible.

>> It was fine.

>> Oh, come on, man.

You're holding out on me.

How fine was it?

>> I am not holding out on you.

It was good.

Very sturdy and reliable and workmanlike.

>> Oh, stop it.

Stop it.

You're getting me hot.

>> All right, all right.

>> It's just something that's not clicking.

>> I wouldn't worry about it.

It's only the first time.

>> Six times.

>> Everything else with Kate is perfect, you know.

It's just in bed.

>> It's like you want it to be so great, but it's not so great?

>> Yes, yes, yes.

>> It's like you're going through the motions and you start thinking about

other things like your income tax and your ratings.

>> No, no.

No, it's not like that for me.

>> What's going on with you?

>> Oh, nothing.

It's just that I can relate.

>> You?

The King?

>> Oh, God.

Come on.

>> Martin, man, the King is dead.

>> You got to be kidding.

>> What happened?

>> The King got married.

Man, let me tell you, when you get married -- >> Things change.

>> No.

Things never change.

Ever.

>> Yeah, I know how that feels.

>> Wow.

Yeah.

>> What's going on here, then?

>> Is it us?

>> Huh?

>> Are we the problem?

>> Hey, man, let's not panic.

I mean, this happens to everybody.

We're just two guys having really bad sex.

>> Not with each other.

>> I'm married.

[ Music ].

[ Music ]

[ Music ]

[ Music ].

>> I don't know.

I'm sleeping with you.

>> Oh.

Yeah.

Me, too.

I mean, actually, sleeping with you, you know,

getting into bed and turning out the light.

Not necessarily even having sex.

Just being in bed together at night with you.

>> I know what you mean.

[ Music ]

>> What do you mean?

>> Well, you know, we're comfortable with each other.

We both know our relationship isn't just about sex.

You know, it's about closeness and just being together.

>> Right.

There's something bothering you.

>> Well, she's going to like what I got to tell her.

>> I know.

>> It's the sex.

And don't get me wrong.

I love sex, especially with you.

I mean, only with you.

But it's not exactly there yet.

>> Wow.

>> Okay.

I didn't mean to upset you.

>> I am so glad you said that.

>> You are?

>> Yeah.

It's been really disappointing for me, too.

>> Disappointing?

What are you saying, Kate?

I mean, what are you trying to tell me?

>> Well, you know, just what you were saying.

>> No, no, no, no.

I didn't use the word disappointing.

Now, that's your word.

>> Well, it's that everything else in our relationship is so great.

>> So what you're saying is the sex is just incredibly unsatisfying.

>> It's not that bad.

>> Not that bad?

How bad is not that bad?

>> It's not bad.

It just could be better.

>> Such a humiliation.

>> A man who loves a woman wants to ask only one question.

>> Have you ever even had an -- >> Say it!

>> We're guessing.

>> A little one.

>> I don't think I can talk about this anymore.

>> Well, you were the one who brought the subject up.

>> All right.

All right.

>> It's just a situation, right?

And we'll both have to just deal with it.

>> Yeah.

Yeah, it's just something we'll have to work at.

I mean, if you want to.

>> You know, of course.

Of course I do.

>> Come on.

We've got work to do.

>> Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Martin.

Can you move a little to the left?

More.

No, not a hard left.

A semi-left.

Great.

What's lower?

Could you do the hand thing?

Oh, oh, oh, shit.

I lost it.

Maybe if I were on top.

Oh, Martin.

Oh, Kate.

Oh, Martin.

Oh, Martin.

Kate, Kate.

What?

What's wrong?

It's my nuts, nuts, nuts.

It's the bouncy.

You think you could just take it down a notch?

Maybe, you know, half a notch.

Sorry.

>> Let's try it again.

I'll make it this time.

>> This time we both will.

>> Well, this intercourse position is a little bit difficult to balance and

somewhat tough on Ted's knees.

Just the fun of doing it makes it arousing.

Oh, yeah.

>> How are your knees, Dad?

Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, oh, yeah.

I got it.

I think I got it.

>> He just watched the matinee.

We'll be sensational.

>> I hope so.

God, you're so hot.

Oh, baby, I want you inside me.

I want to taste you.

I want your cock fill me up.

I want to grab my ass, your ass.

I want to grab your ass and Bury my head in your love box and lick you till

you come, buckets.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Do it again.

Do it again.

We must keep trying in it.

We've got to try.

You're mine now, silly boy.

I don't think this is going to work for me.

I'm holding you back.

You're a great performer, but not with me.

Don't say that.

I've got to say it.

With another partner as good as you -- No, Emmett, no.

Maybe just without the whip.

Kate?

Kate?

The cab?

Jeanette and I were on our way downtown, and it just happened.

In a cab?

By the time we hit Times Square, we were rocking.

I mean, you know, what did it?

Like, why?

Who gives a shit?

The king is back.

So, buddy, how are things with you?

A taxi?

In a cab?

I'm in the middle of New York City.

Why don't we just run a cable access channel?

You're not a public person.

I'm starting to get that, okay?

I know, Martin, I'm beginning to get a really bad feeling about this.

I mean, you know what they say.

They say, "Who are they that always say, but they always say..."

No, no, not really.

Well, just, you know, that sexual problems are sometimes a sign that

something else is wrong with a relationship.

What are you talking about?

What? What could be wrong?

I don't know, but something is.

What? What? What could be wrong?

We talk too much, we laugh too much, we feel too good and we're together.

I mean, what could be wrong?

Maybe we're just supposed to be friends.

Friends?

Well, maybe what we have is a really great friendship.

Or a very frustrating one.

No. No, no, no, no. I don't think so.

I don't mind that.

And what are we?

Look, we're two people, you know?

And we just... I don't know.

Yeah.

Well... I think I should be going.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You don't have to go home.

I mean, we're pals, right?

You know, we could... I don't know, we could have a beer.

And watch the game.

Maybe some other time.

I guess I should say goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.

I like being friends.

I'm really glad we straightened that out.