Original subtitles

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Anybody hungry?

Bangle girl!

Good morning, Toby, butter bro.

I have a buttered roll every day.

I'm in the mood for something different.

Oh, you know what I'm in the mood for?

You know, one of those things, they're about this long.

A curler.

No, no, no.

It's like one of those things, you know, they're kind of sweet

and it has some kind of cheese.

A cheese Danish?

No, no, it's Italian.

You know, you get them at the Saint Gennaro Festival,

you know, and they come like a tube.

A cannoli.

Yeah, that's it.

A cannoli, that's what I want.

I don't have any cannolis.

I have a buttered roll then.

Good morning, Mr. Tupper.

Would you like anything for breakfast?

Oh, uh, what do you recommend?

Well, we've got bagels or muffins or I've got these.

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Wait, wait, uh, hello, Toby.

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Time to make the donut.

Come on, come on, not here.

Why?

Would it be a problem if people knew you were doing the bagel girl?

I'm sorry, you're just so cute.

Sweet are the compliments from a pretty

young girl in the ears of an old man .

Look, tonight after work we can make all the donuts you want.

I can't.

I have to study for my comparative lit midterm.

Midterm?

Right.

Uh, well, I majored in English.

You know, if you want, I can help you study.

As in any average city, the older generation believes in educating the

younger generation.

All right, let's talk about the theme of redemption in Henry Miller.

Forget Henry Miller.

You sure you shouldn't be studying?

I'm taking the course of his, ma'am.

No matter.

I'm interested in your physical prowess, not your brain.

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Come on!

It's stuck, Stu, but you think you could do better, you give it a try.

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Thank you.

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Maybe I should go get a red and white.

School colors.

They were given white at the student union.

Let me have your attention class, please.

This is the assignment for tomorrow.

Please copy it in your notebooks.

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Say, you're a little advanced, you're listening, Pop.

Well, I've been studying a little on the side.

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This looks like an ordinary piece of toast, and it is,

except that it and everything else here is made with atomic electricity.

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You're gonna love you, huh?

Oh, why not? You kiss like a vacuum cleaner.

I think I had my first multiple, I guess.

Although I'm not totally sure how you tell.

You're asking the wrong person.

I have mine one at a time.

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Class dismissed.

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Dad, left the chain on.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Quick, quick, quick, quick.

Get dressed. Get dressed. It's my son.

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What's going on?

Oh.

Are you okay?

Oh, my legs are asleep.

Oh, oh, oh.

Dad? Dad, what's going on?

Crazy, ladies. Martin.

Martin, is everything all right?

Oh, fuck. It's my ex-wife.

Uh, uh, hold on. I just, just get out of the shower.

[MUSIC]

Coming.

Oh.

Ow.

Hi.

You okay?

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Judith, Jeremy, this is my, I don't know, friend, Julie.

Oh my God. You go to Wagner?

Uh-huh.

You're kidding. I went to Wagner. Who are your teachers?

Well, let's see. I have Herman for social studies.

Peter for music.

Peter. Oh my God. He's horrible.

Do you like video games?

I just got environment.

Look, Jeremy, I don't do-- Oh, graphics.

Oh, that's awesome. 16-bit. Come on. You got to sit.

[LAUGHING]

Well, she seems perky.

Does she?

Martin, what are you doing?

I'm maybe sitting right now.

What do you mean?

How old is she?

She's in her 20s.

Oh, really? How far in?

Just three weeks.

She'll be 28. Eventually.

Martin, don't get me wrong. I find all of this very interesting.

Professionally. I mean, it's sort of a Lolita fixation, electric complex.

Peter Pan syndrome all rolled into one.

Look, she's young. Okay, she's very young.

You know, but she's smart and funny, and I know it's not going anywhere,

but we're just having fun.

Well, I think it's great, as long as you're happy.

Listen, do you think that I could borrow

this relationship for a post doctoral paper?

Don't worry. I won't use your name or anything.

I just... think of that.

The good lord had wanted women to be doctors.

He would have fixed it so men could have babies.

This is your mom's apartment, isn't it?

Or are we just stealing the stuff?

You sure you're okay with that?

No. No problem.

My aching back.

She's got to get a better grip.

Hmm.

Oh, oh.

You know, maybe we shouldn't, you know, hear.

Why? Are you afraid we're going to get grounded?

What are you doing here?

I live here?

Oh, this is apartment two, isn't it?

Oh, yes, it is.

Who are you?

Very funny, mother.

Mother.

Oh.

And who is this older gentleman who's not your father?

Uh, hi. I'm, uh, I'm Martin Dopper.

Martin, this is my mother.

Fantastic.

It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Gower.

Martin's my new boyfriend.

Oh, I see.

What happened to the skinhead with the swastika tattoo?

Would you say you're a woman?

I'm a woman.

What happened to the skinhead with the swastika tattoo?

Would you stop calling it a swastika? It was an X.

And we broke up, like, a month ago.

Why did he violate his parole?

You see, we have this little game. It's called "Shawth Mom."

You win again.

Excuse me. I have some things to put away.

Here, let me get a hand with those.

I think you have your hands full already.

Can I get your kids anything to drink? Some Tang, maybe?

Great. Great. Do you have any crazy straws?

No, no. I like this one. He's got a sense of humor.

Excuse me. So, where did your kids meet?

Want some ice cream, Judy?

We met at work, actually.

Really? You sell bagels?

Tell me about yourself, Martin.

Me? Mother, father dead, live alone, 27 years old, unmarried,

die toolmaker, well-paid.

Worked out at the YMCA twice a week.

Wish I was a carnival acrobat.

I'm a book editor in a white stone publishing.

Oh, I know it. Does Linda Perry still work there?

Yes. She does. She's right down the hall from me.

I see her every day. I love Linda. How do you know her?

I'm suing her. I catered a party for her

in March, and she still hasn't paid me.

I'll tell her you say hello.

If you're through embarrassing me, I think we'll go now.

Ready, Martin?

What if I decide to stay?

Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll see you around sometime, huh?

Sure. Maybe next time I'll get to meet your mom.

Great. We can all go to the zoo.

Okay. Time to go. Bye, Mom.

Don't forget to buckle up.

I'll have her home by 11.

They're our mothers.

They're in there, our mothers.

Gina, you're wrong.

You shut up.

How much you want to bet?

Make it 20. You're on.

Excuse me, Toby.

Wait a second. I'll ask Martin.

Who was the taller guy? Stosky or Hutch?

Hutch.

See? I told you.

He is not stupid.

You owe me 20 bucks. I'll call you later.

What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy here?

You know, Toby, I'm done for the night, so, uh... You're free to leave.

Well, thank you, Master.

Someday I'll repay you for my freedom.

(Chuckles)

Look... You've put in one heck of a day, and I think it's just gone.

Go, go, go, go.

Martin, why should I go home and run up my phone bill

when I can stay here, make calls for free,

and get paid overtime? Where's your business sense?

Now, look... Oh, hi. Hello.

Don't I know you're from somewhere?

I never forget a face.

Wait a second. You're the bagel girl.

She's the bagel girl!

So, where are your bagels?

Oh.

Now I know who gets all the cannolis.

Excuse us.

(Door opens)

(Grunts)

(Laughter)

So, what do you want to do?

Uh, she's tough. I don't know. You know, it's just... whatever.

(Laughter)

It was fun meeting your mom yesterday.

Fun? That was fun?

Well, you know, not like carnival fun, but... (Laughter)

Uh-huh. Anyway, I was thinking we could go

out for a nice, expensive, romantic dinner.

Your treat.

(Music)

You know, I'm not really hungry.

Did she say anything about me?

About us? I mean, dating? Or me, just... in general?

No. Do you want to go see a movie?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Sure.

Hey, you know, your mom must have been very young when she had you.

Yeah, 18. Why?

Just curious. You know, I mentioned anything that has to do with you.

(Laughter)

You know, so, uh, your mom never remarried, huh?

Does she date a lot? And is that hard for you?

No, she doesn't. And no, it's not.

Okay. Okay. Just making conversation.

So, uh, what, uh, what movie do you want to say?

Let's do something scary.

Okay.

(Music)

Not too scary.

Who is?

Uh, you know, I was thinking, uh, maybe

you'd like to ask your mom to join us.

Why?

Well, my case is very simple, Julie. I'm the man in love.

Well, since we got off in the wrong foot,

I thought it'd be a nice gesture, but hey,

it's just an idea. And, you know, as far as I'm concerned, she can go see

her own fucking movies.

(Music)

I mean, they don't usually put living people on stamps, but the Postmaster

General made an exception for Richard.

(Music)

Not the most flattering picture I've ever seen.

Look, June, I'd like to ask your advice about something.

I think I'm gonna break up with Julie.

It's terrible. I'm only halfway through my paper.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

What's the problem? Is it the age difference? Does she ultimately make you

feel older instead of younger?

Actually, and here's where I'm curious about your opinion, I think I have a

crush on her mother.

Oh, my God! First the daughter and now the mother.

Jesus, Martin, I hope they don't have any pets.

Yes, see, that's the insight I was looking for. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I didn't.

I've only met her once, you know, but I thought she was terrific.

You know, I'd like to ask her out, but

obviously I don't want to hurt the daughter.

And I don't want the mother to think I'm

asking her just because she's the mother.

Like, I have some kind of mother thing, which I don't.

Uh, could I just take a few notes here? Just might be a Grant in this.

[MUSIC]

Hi, Martin.

Toothpaste.

You know, I'm really glad you invited me over because my roommate put the h

anger on the door.

I think she's going to lose her virginity.

So what's on TV?

Look, Julie, I don't think we should watch TV right now.

What do you want to do?

I don't think we should do that either.

To what?

Where did I leave my cheese?

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Julie.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh.

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Could you-- Can I what?

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Julie.

[GASP]

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

I don't want to leave you.

Okay, that's cool.

Oh.

Do you want me to take my hand out of your pants?

I think that'd be appropriate.

Look, Julie, I really like you.

A lot, you know.

But the problem is-- I wish to marry your mother.

I just don't see us going anywhere.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

I totally agree.

You do?

Totally.

[LAUGHTER]

Actually, I sort of have to think from my lab partner.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, well, that's terrific.

See?

That's perfect.

Everybody's happy. No hard feelings.

No hard feelings.

Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll save you cinnamon, Ben.

[LAUGHTER]

Uh, look, look, Julie.

Just one last thing before you go, and I totally understand if you say no.

But I was-- I was thinking about asking out your mom.

My mom?

Look, I know it's a little unusual.

My mom?

And if it's too weird for you, you know, I just--

No, it's not too weird for me, but why

would anyone want to go out with my mom?

Well, she always smells so nice.

Just like clothes when I first come back from the laundry.

She seems neat.

[LAUGHTER]

Try living with her for 20 years.

Oh, she is so annoying.

I mean, she thinks she's funny, which she's not.

And God, you should see her without makeup.

But hey, if you want to go out, there'd be my guest.

Okay.

It might be one other problem, though.

What's that?

She sort of hates you.

See ya.

Did I never let that stop me?

I know.

Well, there's no such thing as vegetarian pigs in blankets, Mrs. Krabs.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

Well, there's just dough, Mr. Krabs.

Mother, what does one do when one is in love?

How does one go about... informing the other party?

Well, without the pigs, it's just blankets.

Right. Okay. Bye, Mr. Krabs.

Hi.

Well, if it isn't humbered, humbered. What a surprise.

Well, you know, I was just on my lunch hour

thought I'd drop by him and say, "Hello."

Why?

Well, actually, I just wanted to let you

know, in case Julie hasn't mentioned it,

which I'm sure she has, but Julie and I aren't seeing each other anymore.

No, she didn't tell me. What happened?

Did you leave her for a younger woman ?

I think that'd be impossible without going to jail.

Talk yourself out of that.

Look, I'm probably way out of line here,

but... can I buy you dinner sometime?

You want to go out with me?

Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't actually have to go with you.

I just thought maybe I could buy it for you.

Martin, I don't make it a habit to date my daughter's ex-boyfriends.

Of course, they're usually 19, so it's not an issue.

Can I help you with that?

Look, Mrs. Kep... Do you have a first name by any chance?

Kate.

Kate. Listen, Kate, Julie and I, it was nothing. She meant nothing to me.

Well, that makes a mother happy.

No, no, no, no, no. I meant nothing to her either.

Are you saying my daughter's shallow?

No, no. How about coffee? Can I just buy a cup of coffee?

I don't think so.

How about a cheeseburger? Shh!

Hot!

How about a lift over to the burn unit?

Come on. What do you see?

Thanks for stopping by.

Listen, I have a great idea.

Why don't you go out with my son, and then we'll be even?

He's only 13. He's very mature, and really, I think he'd like him.

He's kind of like me.

Martin, I thought you had a job.

Listen, I've got a terrific order of recipe. You might want to try.

Oh, yeah? Uh-huh. You take a little bit of tomato sauce, right?

A little bit of cheese, put it on an English muffin, and just slap it in the

toaster oven.

You might want to write this down.

Look, Martin, despite the fact that you sleep with college girls, you seem

like a decent enough guy.

But I have a very successful business, a

terrific daughter whom I believe you've met.

And who may I say you've done a terrific job raising?

Kiss ass.

Anyway, Martin, I'm very happy, and I just don't want anyone or anything to

make my life more complicated right now.

[dramatic music]

Yes, you do. Come on, everybody does.

You know, I mean, what about romance? What about that? I mean, romance is...

The sacrament. And sure income. And sure it is a sacrament.

And all our lives, we live on a banana plantation.

Shit. I lost my train of thought.

Romance.

Right, right. Romance is...

It's important. It's very, very important.

And I'm usually a little bit more articulate than this, but...

I'm flattered. I really am.

But I'm just not interested in romance.

Well, we'll see about that.

[dramatic music]

[door opens].

[door closes]

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You wonder, you got it.

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I hope to see you next week. So until then, good night.

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