Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC].

[MUSIC].

[MUSIC]

Hey, I don't care if you're the expert.

This is my best friend's bachelor party.

I'm not showing anything called the valet vixens parking in rear.

No, forget it.

Excuse me, Heph.

I hate to put a crimp in your silk PJs, but your ex-wife's here.

Uh, look, I gotta go.

I'll pick up the other tapes on my way home, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention this party to Judith.

I won't say a word, but you might want to put your little friends away.

Hi.

Hi.

I brought you this for us for Jeremy.

You just have to sign it.

Oh, great, great, thanks.

He's just arrived.

Yep, nothing like a good cigar.

Toby, could you get us some coffee?

Why?

What do you mean, why?

To drink.

Oh, I thought it was to get me out of the room.

These wouldn't by any chance be for a bachelor party.

No, no.

Just a couple of guys are coming over tonight to smoke.

I see.

Okay, here you go.

Thanks for stopping by.

Here, I know how busy you are.

Here's that coffee you didn't really want.

And look what I found in a box by my desk.

Cute, don't you think?

Thank you, Toby.

All right, all right.

Look, I'm throwing Eddie a bachelor party, okay?

Why?

The man is getting married tomorrow.

Why do you feel compelled to humiliate and degrade him?

Are you questioning the wisdom of the party?

Because I'm his best friend.

Besides, he did it to me.

Yeah, and you remember what that was like?

Okay, okay, look, it got a little out of hand.

But I'm throwing the party this time, not Eddie, okay?

So it's going to be very tasteful.

Your penis is showing.

Jude, come on.

It's a male bonding thing, you know?

It's a very important rite of passage, really.

It's kind of... Common crude, vulgar?

Sacred, really.

A Miss Joy a Plenty called.

She says she'll peel down to her G-string,

but there'll be no pictures, no groping,

and absolutely no blow jobs.

See?

[sighs]

Oh, man, I'm so glad we had a rehearsal.

Don't worry, don't worry.

Tomorrow we'll get the flower girl to move faster.

Look, man, I didn't mean to step on her.

Everybody knows that. Take it easy, will ya?

See ya tomorrow, baby. We love you.

I love you too.

Bye-bye.

You have no idea who that is.

No, I don't. Hold on.

[music playing]

Uh, listen, um, you've been a great

best man, and now that I'm getting married,

I just want you to have this.

Eddie, this wasn't necessary, really.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

So much.

He's got to give you protection, hmm?

Yeah, I was cleaning out my closet.

I guess I won't be needing them anymore.

Grape.

Is it too late to elope?

Sorry, honey.

We need at least six more cappuccino makers.

You have everything you need? Do you have your tux?

Yes, I have my tux. It's all over at Martin's.

Jeanette, relax, will ya?

Everything's taken care of.

Come on, we're just gonna hang out, shoot the shit, and watch some TV.

He is very clever with the propaganda.

All right, now you just make sure you get him to the wedding in one piece.

He's safe with me.

(

(

(

)

So I told him, you play one measure just the

way you are, and you're not getting paid.

Yeah, well, you know what?

That's the least of your problems.

Surprise!

For he's a jolly good fellow!

You asshole!

Eddie, come on.

No, you promise.

I lied.

I told you, I didn't want a bachelor party.

My whole life has been one big bachelor party.

I don't want this. I'm getting married now.

Eddie, come on. It's all the guys from the old neighborhood.

You haven't seen these guys in like 20 years.

Hey, what's up?

What's up?

Maybe there's a reason.

See?

Isn't this great?

Hey, Barry!

Hey, guy.

Congratulations.

Barry, put me down.

Oh.

Hey, hey, look who else is here.

Hey, Chuck, how you been?

Shitty.

It's the same old Chuck.

Congratulations, Eddie.

Thanks.

Jerry.

You invited Jerry Dorfer?

Oh, no.

Hope you don't mind.

Barry told me all the guys were getting together.

How could I miss that?

Why, you wannery old skunk, you're just trying to get some free beer.

I'm a good mind of throwing you to the devil out of here.

Hey, wouldn't be a party without you.

Yeah.

Hey, Eddie.

Stinky!

I knew somebody was going to call me that.

So, uh, who's drinking what?

Oh, here we go, Loosey-Loosey.

Here we go, Loosey-Loosey.

Here we go, Loosey-Loosey.

On a Saturday night.

Okay, vodka for the man.

Thanks, pal.

Adam, Adam.

We're Scott's Rocks, right?

Hey, come on, come on, Barry.

You're always a Tequila, man.

Well, thanks.

Alcohol's a neuro-toxic miniature.

But, hey, you guys enjoy it.

And none for me, thanks.

I'm training for the marathon.

Chuck?

Oh, I've got this kind of pre-ulcer thing.

But you should have told us.

We could have made reservations at a soda fountain.

I can't believe this.

What happened to the guys used to Chuck Boone's farm behind the gym?

Come on.

Do you have any juice?

Pellegrino.

Pepper milk.

Gee, I'm fresh out.

Uh, Gary.

Gary!

Captain Chug-a-lug.

Come on, come on, it's a bachelor's party.

It's in here.

Thanks.

Oh, what?

What?

You two?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

What, does it give you an earache?

Huh?

Are you macrobiotic?

Huh?

Or are you just planning to swim the English Channel, man?

Actually, I'm an alcoholic.

Oh.

I can say that now.

I've had to admit that I'm powerless over alcohol.

Six months sober.

All right.

Way to go.

That's great, Gary.

Yeah, that's wonderful, man.

You're right, pal.

Great party.

Congratulations.

Sir, in your position, there must be something you can do.

Movies!

Yeah!

Oh, here we go, Loof-de-Loof.

Here we go, Loof-de-Loof.

Here we go, Loof-de-Loof.

Oh.

Here we go.

Oh.

Oh.

Take it.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I got out of the market just before the crash.

Thank God.

Well, you really ought to look into T-bills.

Everything else is fucked.

Marjorie's handling most of our finances now, which is great.

Because it gives me more time with the kids.

Guys, guys, come on.

Are you watching the movie?

You ever seen two women do that?

What are they doing now?

Well, they caught them with the Swiss girl,

and now they're sort of making them pay.

Martin, does this thing get any better?

Ask to.

Oh, shit.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I can fix it. I can fix it, okay?

I mean, come on.

It happens sometimes.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah, right, right, right.

Look, guys, I think we better just call it a night.

Hey, wait, wait.

Uh, you don't want to miss-- Beautiful girls from 16 European countries

will parade and be judged.

The rest of the party.

Yeah, well, anyway.

Daddy, please, please.

I thought I should say that to you,

a few important words about, you know, our

friendship and marriage and-- [knocking]

And that's it?

Oh, no.

[chatter]

Ta-da!

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

That was great, great.

[chatter]

[knocking]

Who is it?

Open up. It's the police.

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

I have a warrant for the arrest of Mr. Eddie Charles.

[chatter]

Oh, no, officer. What's the charge?

In decent exposure!

[laughter]

[music playing]

[chatter]

[chatter]

I'm taking you.

[chatter]

Mr. Charles, I'll remind you, you have the right to remain silent.

Call for my lawyer.

[chatter]

This calls for some plain laws.

[gunshots]

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

Gosh.

Wouldn't it be nice to be that flexible?

I'm taking you.

Counselor, how about your client?

Whatever it is, officer.

He's guilty!

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

You know, I think we're ready to bust this case wide open.

[chatter]

[applause]

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

No problem, guys. Just a little cold.

[chatter]

[chatter]

[chatter]

I'm sorry. I'll be alright in a minute.

[chatter]

Fuck, this stuff's supposed to last 12 hours.

Barton, you got any out of hiss to beat?

[chatter]

[chatter]

I'll go check.

[chatter]

Yeah, well, I'm ready for a drink.

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Anybody else?

[chatter]

[chatter]

I think I'm feeling a little better.

It's just the aching around my eyes.

[chatter]

I never heard anybody go on so long about a simple head cold.

Drink the tea.

Okay.

[chatter]

Barry, Adam, come on in.

That was the fart.

[laughter]

Hey, hey, hey, go easy there, Jerry.

In eighth grade?

I got to second base with Cheryl Castorini.

Cheryl Castorini didn't even have a second base.

[laughter]

Hey, Eddie, who was your first?

Go ahead, go ahead, tell him, tell him.

Okay, okay.

It was ninth grade.

Don Richardson.

Lisa Farley.

No, no, no.

Laurie Klepperman.

Karen Kenlow.

Mrs. Kenlow, the math teacher?

Hey, well, I needed a little help with my square roots, you know.

[laughter]

My ninth grade disguised life was better than mine'll ever be.

[laughter]

We all know who Jerry's first was.

Marjorie!

[laughter]

Well, not exactly.

Ooh.

Really?

Actually, my first first was... [laughter]

Look at him, look at him.

Come on, you got that fart.

It's with Martin.

[music]

That's not true.

That's not true, he's drunk.

Look at him, look at him.

He can't even stand up.

You know, they say that one out of every

three adolescent boys' experiments ...

It was nothing.

I mean, a little touching.

You know, it was nothing.

It wasn't nothing.

I mean, it wasn't a gay thing, but it was a nice thing.

It wasn't anything.

I mean, it doesn't count.

I mean, we were at camp.

It was color war.

We were swept up in the moment.

[laughter]

Shut up, Jerry.

You think dynamite would stop him?

I mean, come on.

Come on, we've all done things at camp.

We wouldn't do normally, right?

When was the last time you sang "Kumbaya"?

[laughter]

Oh, Martin, I don't think that's quite the same thing.

[laughter]

Excuse me.

[laughter]

♪ Kumbaya ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

May I take this opportunity of saying I wish I were dead?

Don't--don't--don't even say anything.

What? What? Look.

I was just gonna say that, uh, you know, I understand.

One time after Little League, me and Don Willingham... You're kidding me.

Oh, come on, man. It was sixth grade.

Don Willingham?

I was your best friend.

Martin, we're getting into a very weird area here.

[music]

Yeah, man.

[music]

You got him.

[music]

Ooh.

[music]

Did everybody get some?

She's so-- [laughter]

Martin, Martin, Martin.

Okay.

Eddie, I'd like to propose a toast.

You know, after tomorrow there's gonna

be a lot of disappointed women out there.

You know, a lot of relieved men.

And I'd like to make a little presentation

to a guy who's been a constant source

of inspiration and astonishment to us all.

I mean, the sheer volume and quality.

Thank you.

To a legend, our champion, Eddie Charles, the biggest dick I know.

[laughter]

I moved.

You guys are definitely a class act.

Oh, thank you.

Eddie, Eddie, how does it feel to be hanging out the old clean phone?

I cleaned it out the old locker.

You know, it feels great. I'm ready.

Really? Ready for sex with the same woman for the rest of your life?

Sex if you're lucky.

For me, it's just the same woman.

It's not gonna be like that.

Of course not. Of course not.

She's terrific.

That's true. She's incredible.

Sure, now.

Chuck.

Listen, I'm sorry.

Eddie, man, I wish you the best. I really do.

And maybe I'm a little bitter.

But for me, marriage was a fucking nightmare.

Thanks for the input, Chuck.

Hey, I love my wife.

You do that? You see that?

But the other night, they brought this guy into the ER, right?

He had tried to cut off his Johnson and give it to his wife for an

anniversary present.

Said he didn't need it anymore.

Forty-three years old.

That's just one example.

Now, come on.

I have been longer married than any of you guys.

And there's just something about the feeling I get.

When I come home from work and there's Marjorie unloading the dishwasher

and I look at her and I think... Who are you? Why are you here?

Oh, my God.

It's okay. It's okay.

Oh, Jesus.

I think we better call it a day.

It's over.

My life is over.

Isn't that the truth?

That's bullshit.

Hey, really, man?

Hey, wish I was getting married.

I loved being married both times.

You got to talk to Marjorie. We're drifting apart. I see that now.

Good luck, Jerry.

I love my wife. I'm coming, Marjorie.

(Door opens)

Am I home?

I'll take him home.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

(Piano music)

One woman for the rest of my life.

Yeah.

I mean, I asked her to marry me because...

because I wanted to be with her forever, you know,

but I never really thought I'd be just her, you know, forever.

Hey, Ed. Don't do this to yourself.

You love her.

I know, I know, I know, I know. She's great. She's great.

But she's just one woman.

She can't help it. I mean, that's just all the woman she can be.

Look, everybody goes through this.

Marriage is scary.

But it's going to be all right.

Really.

But what if it isn't?

What if it isn't?

There, there.

Oh, God.

Shh.

Listen, would you like a hand job?

(Piano music)

Martin, you'll call me?

I've always felt a deep sympathy for disturbed people.

I know how much help they must need.

Probably not.

Martin, Martin, you'll always be my special friend.

That's right, Jerry. We'll always have camp.

(Piano music)

What a guy.

Eddie.

Come on, wake up, man. It's your wedding day.

Sound the whistle.

Fuck! What? You fucked the stripper.

Oh, my God. I fucked the stripper.

Shh. I can't believe you did this. You are hopeless.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I didn't do this.

What? You did this. You did this to me.

Excuse me?

I told you I didn't want a bachelor party.

I told you I wanted a good night 's sleep.

But no, you had to bring out the vodka and the cigars and throw women at me.

Hey, but the only thing I did wrong is leave you alone with a woman over 14.

This is not my fault. Oh, really? Really? Whose fault is it?

Her fault? Jeanette's fault? Jerry Dorfer's.

It's my dick's fault.

My dick doesn't want me to get married. My dick did this to me.

Oh, well, now we found the culprit.

Oh, Martin, what am I gonna do?

What are you gonna do? You're gonna get your sorry ass in that shower.

You've got a wedding in less than three hours.

Wait a minute.

This was a gift. Martin.

Man, I'm gonna have to tell Jeanette.

More?

Yeah. I love her so much, man. I can't lie. I'm gonna have to tell her.

Okay. Okay, that's an option.

Of course, you should be aware that she

might not marry you today. Or... or ever.

No, man, how can I not tell her? I mean, I can't have a marriage without

trust and honesty.

You should have a marriage with honesty. You know, you'll...

you'll just have an engagement with one big lie.

I can live with that.

You got the ring? I got the ring?

Aw, man. You really are my best man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

It's just that this is the scariest thing I'll ever do in my life, you know?

Eddie. Kids.

Aw, man, kids. I forgot about kids.

Yeah, I'm not ready for kids.

Oh, here we go, Loof-Dee-Looh.

Here we go, Loof-Dee-Looh.

Here we go, Loof-Dee-Looh.

On the side of the line.

David Letterman is on the way with comedian Jeff Altman.

Coming up next.

(♪♪♪).

(♪♪♪).

(♪♪♪).

(♪♪♪).

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(horse neighing)

(horse neighing)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music).