Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC].

[MUSIC]

You have real talent.

Excuse me, Mrs. Da Vinci?

Barbara Truesdale's agent's on two.

Uh, do you mind?

Oh, no, go right ahead.

She's at it again.

Jeanette, good morning.

Martin.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I hate that Martin.

What?

What is it?

Is it bad news?

No, it's just expensive news.

My client rejected your offer.

We're looking for something in the neighborhood of 250,000.

Oh, I try to stay out of that neighborhood.

Jeanette, come on.

250,000?

I think this is a shitty book.

That's true.

However, her last shitty book sold half a million copies.

Now, you paid 80 for that, and this one is well over three times as shitty.

Wait a second, wait a second.

I don't think it's that shitty.

Tell you what.

You're willing to make it 300?

You got yourself a two-book deal.

Done.

But I'm telling you, this next one better be absolute garbage.

Not to worry.

I promise it will really suck.

Aren't you going to ask me to have a book?

Aren't you going to ask me to have dinner?

Uh, listen, I'm probably way out of line here, but, uh,

would you like to have dinner sometime tonight?

Excuse me, Romeo?

What?

Filing-wise, do you want McBeefore Ma or after Mo?

Shh!

Look, it's just that some people like MC before MA.

Why, I don't know.

Toby, I don't care.

Uh... Well, if you don't care.

Uh, was that a yes?

Yeah, yeah.

Um, how about, uh, Cote du Journe in the village?

Eight o'clock?

Oh, that's perfect.

Perfect, huh?

I'll see you then.

How will I recognize you?

Well, I'm 5'5" and I'm wearing this kind of, um,

white and gold business-y thing, and I'm black.

Well, that's one of our surprises tonight.

And the other is this.

Well, I'm... I'm white.

Great.

But I'll have no trouble picking you out.

[Laughs]

Okay, then this one goes here, and this one also here.

Okay, that's it.

I... Hello?

[Music]

So you're saying just because she wrote a

lousy book, her husband should leave her?

No, no, no. See, that's not my point.

Oh, get out of here.

[Music]

Get it out.

All right.

[Music]

How you doing?

Good.

So, uh, what was your point?

I have no idea.

[Laughs]

You can have some of mine.

[Music]

Um... You know, you... You really... Black.

Great.

No, and I'm just so... White.

Glad we could get together like this.

Yeah, me too.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

I don't... White.

Black.

Lily White.

What are you thinking about?

Uh... I can't tell you.

Arugula.

Arugula?

You know, it's that... that lattacy stuff that... It's not really lattice.

Yeah, yeah, I know what it is.

That just seems like a funny thing to think about.

[Music]

Sorry, honey.

I saw him first.

[Music]

Kind of weird, huh?

What?

This whole, um, Arugula thing.

[Music]

[Laughs]

You mean us?

Mm-hmm.

No.

No, come on.

It's not weird.

[Music]

Alright, it's a little weird, but, uh... Hey, Mom.

I think I can be a little... Are you sure?

[Music]

I'm not so set in my ways that I cannot embrace change

if Victor promises an enrichment of experience.

[Music]

Just try it.

No way.

No, you call it calamari if you want to, you know.

To me, it's still just squid.

But it's really good squid.

Forget it. Forget it.

I never eat anything cooked in its own ink.

Oh, come on.

Last night you made me eat a pigeon.

It was squab and you liked it.

Now eat the squid.

Here.

Eat it.

[Music]

Mm.

That was very brave.

[Music]

Experiment, 1112, 7 A.M. respiration instantly quickened.

[Music]

522, collapse.

[Music]

320, throwsiness, deep respiration.

[Music]

7 A.M., injected one cubic centimeter of a 2% solution.

[Music]

705 appears normal again.

[Music]

8 o'clock, subject quiet.

[Music]

Oh my.

You know what they say about us white guys?

[Laughing]

Martin, have you ever gone out with a black woman before?

Well, um, no. No.

But my best friend is black.

Oh, God.

No, no. Not some of my best friends are black.

My entire best friend is black.

You'd like him, you know?

And not just because he's black.

Not that there's anything wrong with him being black.

I mean, he's a black guy.

It doesn't help to repeat yourself so much.

I'm just gonna stop saying black, okay?

Okay.

What do you want? You, uh... You ever been out with a white guy?

Yeah.

Kinda got pretty serious, but, um, it just didn't end too well.

Was it the racial issue?

No.

It was a "he fucked everything that moved" issue.

That's a... that's a pretty good issue.

[Music]

Hey, hey, that's nice.

Very nice.

[Music]

And it doesn't bother you at all.

Absolutely not.

Where's the McGill Refile?

Under B.

And when you go out with her, you don't feel at all self-conscious?

Will you stop?

Why? Why is it under B?

You said you didn't care.

You know, I know exactly what you're going through.

I myself was involved in an interracial relationship.

Were you really?

Yes, I was.

And everywhere we went, intolerance.

Those icy stares, those disapproving eyes.

Yeah, see? Not... that's it.

Of course, he was Greek.

Maybe it's not the same thing, but, you know, it's... it's for nine years.

I still can't eat so flacky.

Well, I guess you were just trying to be helpful.

[Music]

What made you think of Greek food?

No reason.

There's Eddie.

Will, you meet his date.

Hey, how you doing?

What's up, Dad?

Hi.

Oh, look! You have bookshelves.

I love bookshelves.

All arms and legs and no head.

I'd like you to meet Danika.

How you doing?

Hi.

And this is Jeanette.

Hello.

Hi.

Hey!

No!

Hot! Hot!

Hot!

[Laughs]

Just stirring some flesh over here.

Yeah, I'm sorry we're late. My show ran over.

What?

Nothing.

No, what? What? Do I have food on my face?

No, no. It's just that, well, I've seen your show.

What does that mean, "I've seen your show"?

Martin, what does that mean?

I can't be sure, but I think it means that she's seen your show.

Well, it's just that I think it's kind of silly.

That's all. Oh, nothing personal.

Silly.

Now, how could I possibly take that personally?

I mean, after all, it is only called the Eddie Charles Show.

I want the people I like to like each other.

Glass of wine, anybody?

What flavors do you have?

[Laughs]

You mean besides grape?

Okay.

Okay there, boys and girls. Here we go.

Let's put this here and... Careful with that.

I should have told you that Danika's a vegetarian.

Oh, no, no. I'll eat chicken as long as it's cooked.

So how did you two meet?

I was in a catalog. He ordered you.

Danika was on my show. Oh, excuse me, my silly show.

Laundry models, the lies behind the lace.

[Laughs]

What? I don't pick the titles.

I didn't say anything.

Look, I think the shows actually tackle some pretty big issues.

Yeah, I saw the one about tits last week.

Ooh, they were really big.

Come on, those women are suffering. I mean, they got back aches,

they got bra straps cutting in their shoulders.

When the big swimsuit finale was to expose the suffering.

We're heading into a horror, 'cause it's gonna get worse.

Who wants funny copita?

Ooh, nobody. My sister caught that and couldn't wear pants for a month.

So what do you do?

I'm a literary agent.

She represents Barbara Truesdale. You

remember, she wrote, "Torture Me With Kisses"?

Hmm, well, with credentials like that, you

have every right to make fun of my show.

I think we'd better separate them right away.

Eat the food.

Have some chicken.

I'll take a breast.

You would.

Just chew.

I mean, we don't have to talk, right? We can just chew.

Chew.

Oh, shit! Red wine. Great.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Uh, would you, uh, like, uh... I'm sorry.

You know what I like? Weather.

(Doorbell)

(Knocking)

Hello.

Look who's here. Eddie Charles, ladies and gentlemen.

Here it is. All cleaned.

Great. You can hang it over there.

Oh, can I? Well, I'll just take that as a thank you.

Look, I told you you didn't have to have it cleaned.

You're welcome.

Anyway, see ya.

Hey, hey, wait.

What?

There's still a stain.

What are you talking about?

There's a stain right here.

Where?

Come look in the light.

I don't see any stain.

Right here.

That's not where the stain was. The stain was on this side.

Oh, my God, you're right. This is a new stain.

What kind of a clean is the Yuko do?

They're good.

Oh, yeah, they're great. And by 10, stain by five.

Well, give it to me. I'll still give it back.

Oh, so they don't have another crack at it? There's nothing on the back yet.

Boy, you just don't give me a break, will you?

Well, you don't give me a reason to.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is bad.

Oh, this is very, very bad.

I mean, Martin.

Martin's a great guy.

He's a great guy.

Oh, I haven't known him long, and I know he's a great guy.

He's a good guy.

Oh, he's a good guy.

This is not good.

Uh-uh.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is bad.

Oh, this is very, very bad.

I mean, Martin.

Martin's a great guy.

He's a great guy.

Oh, I haven't known him long, and I know he's a great guy.

He's a good guy.

Oh, he's a good guy.

This is not good.

Uh-uh.

[music playing]

Uh, no, no.

Just-- just tell her I called to say hi.

Again.

[knocking]

Just a minute.

It's Eddie Charles, ladies and gentlemen.

You always do that?

Martin.

You got a minute?

Uh, well, actually-- This whole Jeanette thing, you know?

Uh, what-- Well, she wouldn't see me last

night, and she blew me off again tonight.

Uh-huh.

Oh, man, don't be so paranoid, you know.

Uh, I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

I don't know, man.

But she didn't even return my calls today.

Yeah.

Well, um, maybe she was just, uh, busy at work or something.

Power surge.

Neighbors must be done vacuuming.

Everything was going so great.

You know, I mean, we'd already gotten past the whole black-white thing,

you know, and I don't get it.

And maybe you never will.

Well, I have an early call tomorrow-- [knocking]

--which isn't to say that I don't feel bad about you and Jeanette.

Because you know I do.

[knocking]

You gonna get the door?

I guess I'll have to.

[panting]

Pizza guy.

Pizza guy!

Oh, God, am I glad to see you.

Hey, easy pal, it's just pizza.

Ah, 1180.

Yeah, I'll get my wallet.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, I got it here.

Here, keep the change.

Thanks.

It's an $8 tip.

A20, thanks.

Oh, great, the pizza's here.

Oh, and Martin's here too.

Oh!

[laughing]

Hey, come on, how did you know I was here?

I didn't.

Well, what?

What are you doing here?

Um, I'm here for pizza.

[laughing]

Come on, how did you know there was gonna be pizza here?

[laughing]

I have just had a great mental illumination.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh, you poor stupid fool.

You big stupid jerk.

Stupid, insubordinate jackass.

I don't fucking believe this.

Martin, I'm sorry, man.

We didn't know how to tell you.

Oh, really? Really?

Well, this was a creative way.

How could you-- you two can't stand each other.

Come on, you have absolutely nothing in common.

Still black, I guess.

Eh?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait.

I get it.

You just like him better 'cause he's black.

No, Martin, no.

I just like him better.

Okay.

Look, I don't care who he is,

ain't nobody gonna make a fool out of me and get away with it.

Okay, you and me.

Right here, right now.

Martin, come on, you're acting like a jerk.

Oh, oh really? I'm a jerk.

You're sleeping with my girlfriend and I'm a jerk.

Martin, we didn't sleep together.

Oh.

Are you going to?

No, no, no, Martin, Martin, no, no.

If you're mad at me, you're not mad at him.

No, no, no, no.

My mad at you is nothing compared to my mad at him.

Excuse me.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Oh, boy, come on.

You always do this to me.

When?

Seventh grade, Carl Rosner.

Man, you wouldn't even ask her to dance.

Not on a slow serve.

Man, Martin, that was 20 years ago.

Oh.

Well?

All right, let go.

Okay, okay, I'll let go if you let go.

All right, the count of three.

One, two, three.

You didn't let go.

Because I knew you wouldn't let go.

All right.

One-- No, no, no, no, no, no. I'll count.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

All right.

All right.

You feel better?

No.

Now, come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Boom.

I can't believe you hit me.

Oh, God, Martin, man, I'm sorry.

Fuck you, Eddie.

And I'm taking my pizza.

(

"Morton" plays )

Martin!

Martin!

Come on, Martin.

This is stupid.

Look, man, I'm sorry.

I know you're in there.

Come on, pal, open up.

( "Morton" plays )

You know what kills me, Stan?

The whole time, I'm worried. They're not getting along.

Here, meet Eddie.

You know what?

No, no, really, really.

He's a great guy.

I want us all to be friends.

Oh, God.

I feel like such a-- I'm such a-- Shmuck.

( "Morton" plays )

Martin.

You!

I thought I heard a voice.

Could have been my friend, Eddie,

but then, of course, I don't have a friend named Eddie.

Come on, man, give me a break. You haven't talked to me in a week.

What do you want from me? I'm fresh out of women.

I said I was sorry.

That don't make no difference.

Well, gee, you know, I have a lot of work

to do, so could you just fuck off, please?

It's just I'd never felt this way about a woman before, and, uh...

I don't know. I'm crazy about her.

Oh, really?

Well, I was pretty crazy about her, too.

Oh, come on. You weren't in love with her.

Oh, oh, and you are?

Yes.

Bullshit! This is me you're talking to.

Martin, I asked her to marry me.

You'll do anything, won't you?

You didn't.

I did.

You didn't?

I did.

Why, it's ridiculous.

But you just met her. You don't do that.

You can't go around just asking people that.

Martin, I've been with thousands of women, and this is it.

She's the one.

Really?

Thousands?

Martin.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I've... What does she say?

She said... yes.

Wow.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

I think you're acting very noble.

Well, this isn't at all unexpected.

The expected never happens.

Unbelievable.

I mean, you're really getting married, aren't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're a lucky guy, you know?

She's really great.

Hey, watch it.

What?

I didn't mean it that way.

Jeez.

She is really great.

Man, come on, I'm kidding.

You okay? Get up.

Sports writer Jeff McGregor joins Letterman at the Ed Sullivan Theatre.

Next.

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(upbeat music)

[MUSIC].