Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

Are you shitting me?

Are you shitting me?

Don't, don't play games with me, Irv.

Are you shitting me?

Oh, that's great.

Irv, I love you.

The Futterman book.

Number 43 on the bestseller list, over 100,000 copies sold.

You're shitting me.

Do you have any idea what this means?

It may be part of the divine plan.

I hope it means you can afford to buy a tie that matches that suit.

I'm out of here.

Yeah!

Have a nice weekend.

I know I will.

Because of the Futterman book. F-U-D-D-E-R. Man, he's my Futterman.

My, there's no bread and butter man, there's no other man like my bread and

butter man.

He's my Futterman, my fud-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.

Futterman.

Here.

Dear, of course.

Hey!

Wow.

What's with you?

The Futterman book. Number 43, 100,000 copies.

Great.

So how was your day?

Terrific.

I had lunch with my agent.

Just like Lenny in the Futterman book.

God, I just, I can't believe we're number 43.

Enough about me, huh?

Hey, let's go celebrate.

Let's celebrate here.

Here?

Oh, I want you. I want you now.

Oh, well, what about it?

Ah, not at 6.30. Everyone's gone.

Well, it is number 43.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is the world where tremendous forces are generated.

A world of intricate equipment and complex calculations.

A world of infinite opportunity, always on a threshold, you discover it.

A world in which antenna reach into the air for far-flung sounds and sights.

[SCREAMING]

New ways to transform energy.

New methods of transmitting the giant forces which had been so long unknown.

But to the man who brought light out of darkness for all humanity,

the relentless pursuit of knowledge took its toll.

Oh, thank God you're booked in some million copies.

You got natural ability, natural instinct, and good luck.

[KNOCKING]

Looking good, Givvy?

It's a vastly tired time, Arty.

Thank you.

Sit.

Okay.

Hey, keep going, though.

Oh, Marty, I believe congratulations are in order.

The Futterman book is selling faster than Scotch tape at a leper colony.

Well, number 43.

You know, as a token of my appreciation,

I'd like to give you a nice big raise.

For he's a giant good fellow, for he's a giant good fellow.

Of course, I'd also like to lick the sweat off Madonna's rump.

That's not likely to happen either, eh?

Which nobody can deny.

I'm, uh, I'm not following you.

Take five, now.

Marty, the company's in a shitstorm, and we're running out of hats.

Sales are down. Overhead is way up.

Now, I can't stop paying the electric bill.

Can't stop paying the phone company.

So I, uh, gotta stop paying somebody.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

How do you mean?

Exactly.

Now, don't wet your trousers, Sparky. I'm not firing you.

You're one of the lucky ones.

I'm only cutting your salary by seven percent.

What about the Futterman book?

Number 43, 100,000 copies, all that stuff.

Now, that's the only reason I'm not letting you go altogether.

You must be joking.

I can't take a seven percent pay cut. I can't live on that.

Sure you can, Marty.

Look, you're gonna have to dinner. You don't leave a tip. That's all.

You're eight percent ahead right there.

I'm a hot commodity.

After the Futterman book, I can walk into any publishing house in this city

and make more than you're paying me now.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Gibby, if you let me walk out of here, I promise you.

You die. One day, two days, three days, you die.

You'll be very, very, very sorry.

Kelly, send the girl back in. I don't think my sideburns are even.

And Marty, wait.

I was only kidding you. What would you like to do this afternoon?

When you pack up. Don't Nick any office supplies, eh?

You would never do anything like that, would you, big boy?

So, where are you gonna go?

I'll know when I get there.

But it'll be a better place. You know, this is a good thing.

Yeah. Sure.

I'll send for you.

Here. I want you to have this.

I know it's not much, but it's always been a source of great comfort to me.

Thank you, Dopey.

Thank you, Dopey.

Hey, good to see you. Really, really good to see you.

I was just gonna call you. How's life?

Great, great. You know, with the Futterman book and all.

It's a big one. Fuck big. It's huge.

And it's all because of you, Martin.

I mean, Futterman can barely write a stop sign. Everybody knows that.

Look, Dan, I'm gonna get right to the point.

You always talked about us working together, right?

Are you kidding me? Martin, I would poke out my right eye to work with you.

You really mean that? Yes.

Well, guess what? Come on, come on, come on.

I can't. I left the white stone.

You did? Wow.

Amazing, isn't it? So what do you say?

You and me here on the same team working

together? Come on, we'd be unstoppable.

Nothing would make me happier.

Unfortunately, my whole division got laid off last week.

I'm surprised you haven't heard.

As of Friday, I'm out of my ass.

Really?

Jeez. I'm sorry.

So who would I talk to at White Stone about getting your job?

So, uh, you edited the, uh, Futterman book.

Yeah. Yeah. That's me.

I hate Futterman. I hated his first book.

And I hated that book about the Dutch twins.

Have you read his last one? 'Cause it's... It made me physically ill.

Well, I guess it's not everyone's cup of tea.

I love cooking. I am a wizard in the kitchen, really.

You give me a dozen eggs and a bowl and one of those things.

Those, uh, wire... ...whipper things.

Let me divide some fractions for you.

Or I could do the thing with the two trains. Moving in opposite directions?

Uh, please. Please.

Could I send you my SAT scores?

(DOOR SLAMS)

Sometimes a man has to learn to back down from a fight.

It's a hard thing, but he must... he must learn it.

What? I heard you were here.

Toby!

I'm in Hell, Martin. They made me a floater. A floater!

You're tearing my jacket.

Today, they put me with Mrs. Kindle. That bitch in accounting.

All day long, she's tapping a pencil. Tap, tap, tap.

Like some kind of twisted morse code thing.

Toby, did you finish my filing? Tap, tap, tap.

Toby, did you get me my stand? Tap, tap, tap.

Martin, you gotta come back here. I'm begging you.

Oh.

I'll see what I can do.

Toby, did you find my files?

You never saw me.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Um... Hey, Marty.

Thank you for seeing me, Gibby.

That tie's even worse than the last one.

I appreciate you taking the time.

Oh, let's cut the koala shit, Marty. What do you want?

If you'd let me, I'd like to be your dog.

I just wanted you to know I've received a number of other job offers.

Oh, good for you.

Uh, sweetheart, could you do that karate chop thing?

(CHUCKLES)

(DISTORTED SCREAM)

But, uh... I love this company.

You know, and since we are struggling, I'd be willing to take, uh...

4% cut and salary.

Oh, Marty, as long as you're groveling, I'll tell you what.

You can have your old job, Vic.

Great.

Well, great.

Course it'll cost you 12%.

What happened to seven?

Oh, sorry. Seven's gone.

Seven was last week's number. This week is 12.

Okay. Okay, look, why don't we just split the difference, okay?

Well, uh... 5.5%.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Marty, you make me giggle.

This isn't a negotiation.

The offer is 12%. You take it or leave it.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYS)

I can't turn it down. You know that.

Fuck you, Gibby.

(SIGHS)

Hmm.

You've made a real blooper.

Hey, man, we're in a recession. I mean, the economy is shit.

Everybody's hurting. Hey, hey, hey!

Don't put the caviar too close to the sternal.

(CHUCKLES)

The heat dries it out.

Sorry.

Yeah, so, buddy, how you doing? You know, uh, financially?

I haven't got a dime, Mary.

Got a dime.

I've got enough in the bank for a three-year, four-month rent.

What about your portfolio?

You know, like stocks, mutual funds, KEOs, zero coupons.

What does that mean?

No. No, I don't, uh... I don't think I have any of those.

Any income instruments?

(PHONE RINGING)

Tea bills?

Nope. Nope. No, uh... No tea bills.

I have some, uh, T-shirts and some

teacups, and, uh... Maybe a few golf teas.

Man, where were you during the '80s?

I told you. I was watching the Late Late Show.

I just never thought about money that much.

Listen, if you need any help, you know, just say the word.

Please. Please. Please.

Thanks. Thanks, Bob. You're fine.

Now, could we not talk about this anymore? Okay?

You know, I just wanna...

I just wanna have some fun tonight, okay?

And just take my mind off everything, okay?

Uh-huh. Hey.

Party, party, party.

All right. Party, party.

I mean, I feel so guilty.

Unemployment's up, people are homeless, and I'm having my best year ever.

What, uh, what do you do?

I'm a bankruptcy lawyer.

What about you? What do you do?

I'm a book editor.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. You know the new Futterman book?

That's mine. I edited that.

Oh, my God.

You're Eddie's friend who got laid off.

I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

Shut up. You happen to have me shut up.

Well, actually, you know, I, uh, I didn't get laid off.

I mean, here I am going on and on about how wonderful I'm doing.

And meanwhile... I feel so awful for you.

I'm fine. Really.

Of course you are. But listen, when the time comes, call me.

I'll give you a deal.

Thank you.

What did you say your name was?

Um... Yeah, but the best thing about

the recession is that it is a great time to

buy property.

Oh, and it's a terrific restaurant, and two people can get out of there

easily for under $100.

If they don't have any wine, it's great.

After that, I said forget it. From now on, I'm taking a cab everywhere.

Having fun?

I didn't know I could have this much fun.

Thank God you're here.

Sorry I'm late.

Tasha!

Mark! Hi!

Great glasses.

Thanks. How have you been?

It's terrific. I just got a part in the new Woody Allen movie.

Excellent. Isn't that... Oh, um, do you know Martin?

Hi, Martin.

So, what's your story?

Uh... weight, 52 pounds.

Height, 36.5 inches.

I'm director of finance for a multinational conglomerate.

Uh, I'm a plastic surgeon.

See that woman over there?

I did her nose.

Eyes, chin, breasts, thighs. That's all.

Well, it's not me, it's her, but, uh, I did it.

And we make educational software for kids.

I mean, we are expecting big things this Christmas.

So, Martin, what do you do?

Yeah, what are you up to these days?

Actually, I'm unemployed.

And you know what? It's great.

I go to museums, I go to the park.

I mean, you know, there's no stress, no

deadlines, no dry cleaning bills, you know.

You want to do yourself a favor, do you?

Tomorrow morning, you walk into your boss's office and you say to him,

"I quit!" Because it's the greatest thing,

the greatest thing that's ever, ever happened to me.

Oh, don't worry. You'll find something very soon.

How long will it take, Dr. Silver, to be normal again?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

You can't get discouraged. You just have to keep on waiting.

Oh, okay.

But you will never take over this company, not while I'm alive.

I'm listening, I'm listening. You know, you don't have to just shut the

thing off like that.

Look, look, uh, maybe you shouldn't limit yourself to publishing.

I mean, you have a liberal arts degree.

There are plenty of things you can do.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Mike, need a check-in and a set?

You're right. You're right. You know what I'm gonna do?

What?

I'm gonna sit down right now and I'm gonna retype my resume.

And then I'm gonna go get a paper and I'm gonna see what's out there.

Here you go. So you'll let me know what happens?

Oh, well, you betcha.

Oh, and, Martin, if you're strapped for

cash, don't worry about the child support.

That's a good thing to keep in mind. But I'll be fine.

Thanks. I'm gonna go get 'em.

Okay. Thanks again.

Yeah, okay.

You are not my mother! Yes, Melissa, I am!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

No! No!

No!

(SCREAMING).

Be there in a minute.

All right, just a minute.

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing here? Are you on a lunch break or something?

Martin, it's 6.45. The movie starts in a half hour.

Have you been out of this apartment once today?

Yeah. Yeah, I, uh... I went to the trash chute.

Maybe that was yesterday.

You gotta start getting out of here.

Take a walk. Go to a museum.

Museum?

Yeah.

Museum.

Do you know how many museums I've been to in the past three weeks? Do you?

The Modern, the Met, the Frick, the Frack.

Monet, Manny. I mean, after a while, they all pretty much look the same.

You know, lights and shadows, fruits and bowls.

If I see one more fucking Madonna and child,

I'm gonna rip my own fucking head off.

Martin... I know you're going through a rough time right now.

When you're in a relationship, you expect

rough times and you work through 'em.

But we're just dating, so... see ya.

Nobody loves me.

I felt puny and absurd.

A ludicrous midget.

Easy enough to talk of soul and spirit and essential worth,

but not when you're three feet tall.

I loathe myself.

(MUSIC PLAYING).

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello.

What are you all doing in my apartment?

Uh, we're here to kidnap you.

We're forcing you to go out to dinner and then have a good time.

Oh.

So, buddy, what did you do today?

Oh, I, uh... I took a walk in the park and made some money.

And I, uh... I watch TV.

You know, they move loves of our lives from 2 to 2.30, so that's, uh...

That's been a pretty big adjustment.

Jeez, you'd think with all that free

time you might clean this place up a bit.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

You watch "Loves of Our Lives"? That's opposite my show.

Come on, Martin. Come on.

Why don't you get changed?

He's made us a reservation at Trevianos.

Might want to shower first.

Oh, you know, why don't you guys go without me?

You know, I... I don't feel like going.

Hey, if you're worried about cash, don't sweat it.

Dinner's on Mr. Moneybags here.

That's all right. That's all right.

I'm not hungry.

You can't sit home alone on a Friday night.

Why not?

When you're unemployed, what's so important about Friday night, right?

It might as well be Thursday afternoon.

But the reservation is for tonight.

So let's go. I'm starving here.

Tap, tap, tap. They may work all through lunch.

Man watches 18 hours of TV a day and doesn't watch my show.

Let it go, Eddie.

Martin, I know what you're going through.

You're depressed. You have low self-esteem.

You're feeling unproductive. Worthless, even.

This is helping.

Listen to me. You can't go on defining yourself in terms of your career.

It's not what you do that's important. It's who you are.

And the people in your life who love you.

You're a lucky man, champ. You got a million friends.

Oh, it doesn't matter much whether they shine shoes like Smiley here

or live on Park Avenue like Celeste.

The important thing is they're going to go right on rooting for you

no matter what you do.

You know what?

What?

It's not enough. No, no, no.

Not by a long shot.

What am I supposed to say when people ask me what I do?

Oh, well, I don't have to do anything.

I'm me, right? That's what's important.

And what if I want to buy a new stereo?

What? I just walk into the store and I say, "Well, hi.

"Hi, I'm Judith, thanks, husband. I'm Toby's ex-boss.

"And, well, I'm just going to take that tape deck."

Yeah, Martin, I think you're missing the spirit of what Judith is saying.

Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say, right?

I mean, you have your own TV show, right?

And if it's the people who love you that are so important,

then why don't you call it the Martin Tupper's best friend show?

Maybe then you'd watch it.

Lookie, you have to understand. I love you guys. I really do.

Please, please do not take this the wrong way.

But I'd trade you all for a job in about... two seconds.

Well, then forget about dinner.

Hello, Gibby.

Okay, Gibby. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on. What's the number now?

It's 17% money.

I don't know if he'll take it. He's already strong.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's too much. It's an insult to my integrity.

I can't do it. I'm sorry. But I absolutely

refuse to work here for one penny,

less than 15% below what I was making before.

You got me over a barrel, Marty.

15% cut it is.

I've still got some pride left.

Thank you.

Can I have some coffee?

What? Did you say...

I'm coming back.

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm... I'm okay.

And in that moment I knew the answer to the riddle of the infinite.

My fears melted away.

And in their place came... acceptance.

All this vast majesty of creation, it had to mean something.

And then I meant something too.

Yes, smaller than the smallest, I meant something too.

To God, there is no zero.

I still exist.

[music].

[music].

[music].

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music].

[music]

[music]

[music].

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(snoring)

(rooster crowing)

(upbeat music)

(horn honking).