Original subtitles

This is a really special day, Charlie.

I never thought I'd see myself in a long-term relationship.

Happy one-month anniversary.

Hey, guys!

Enjoying your lunch?

Okay, this has been fun. I-I'll see ya later.

Oh, Caitlin, I'm sorry.

Why don't you join us?

I don't want to interrupt.

That's all right. Ahem.

I should moisturize.

Actually, I have to bring this food back to the office, so maybe some other time.

How about the three of us have dinner tonight?

Oh, I'd love that.

See you later.

That's very sweet of you,

inviting Caitlin to dinner with us.

Well, I want to get to know your friends.

Oh, great.

I just spotted my ex.

Um, you know what? Maybe we should leave.

I don't want this to be awkward for you.

Jennifer...

I'm not the jealous type.

I'm a secure and confident guy.

I mean, you do think I'm confident, don't you?

Of course you are.

So...

Who is it, the eurodude with too much hair product?

No, uh, over a bit.

It's the scrawny guy next to the babe in the halter top?

No, it's the babe in the halter top.

Well, you've got good taste.

Oh, Caitlin, I have a question for you.

A friend of mine... let's call him "John"...

is having trouble with his girlfriend.

Now, John has been under a lot of stress lately

'cause he's the mayor of a large city

in the middle of an election.

Sir...

Sir, are you John?

Busted.

Anyway...

Claire thinks that I'm being selfish

because I insist that we always stay at my place.

Well, sir? Sir, if I may suggest...

Carter, please, I need a woman's perspective.

Well...

Frankly, sir, I think Claire's right.

You were saying?

Well, sir, Claire just wants to know

that you're equals in this relationship.

Just make a gesture.

Let her know you're sensitive to her feelings.

Carter, you sure know women.

Walk with me.

Stuart... ahem.

You've had a lot of sexual experiences, right?

Right.

And some of them have been with other people?

Some.

I need to talk about something personal.

Can we do it later?

My mother's gonna be calling any second.

We haven't talked in two years.

I found out that Jennifer has been with a woman.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Continue.

Usually, I'd think this type of thing was cool,

but I don't know, this is different.

Charlie, I've found there are three stages

in dating a bisexual woman.

Stage one... cool, great, loving it.

Stage two...

you start to think maybe you can't satisfy her

the way a woman can.

Stage three...

you were right.

You're wrong.

Jennifer's totally into our relationship.

In fact, she invited Caitlin to dinner tonight

because she wants to get to know my friends.

So she wants to get to know

your hot, blond, female friend?

Yeah, you got nothing to worry about.

Hey, Charlie, it was great seeing you and Jennifer.

She's a real girl's girl.

What do you mean "girl's girl"?

I don't know, she's the first woman you've dated

who's shown any interest in me.

Yeah, well, she sleeps with me and loves it.

I can't believe this.

A sister Agnes just called me from Claudia's convent.

Apparently, Claudia wants half my money

in our divorce settlement.

Why didn't Claudia call you herself?

When Claudia left me to become a nun,

she took a vow of silence.

Silence and celibacy... that's tough.

Yeah, luckily, our marriage prepared her for both.

She's trying to get at my nest egg.

I've been saving that money

since I made that cash at my bar mitzvah.

Paul, you're not even jewish.

Yeah, well, none of the kids at my breakdance party

seemed to care.

Oh, the arbitration is tomorrow. I'm screwed.

I'll say. What judge isn't gonna favor a nun?

Maybe the mayor's girlfriend.

Claire is a judge.

She likes the mayor.

The mayor likes me. Therefore, she likes me.

If she presides over the arbitration, I'll win!

It's a perfect plan! Paul, the last time you had a perfect plan,

the paramedics had to pump quarters out of your stomach.

Sorry I'm late. I could not get across town.

Oh, do you go through the park or take 59th street?

I go both ways.

I like to pick one way and stick with it.

Here, have a seat.

So, have you seen any movies lately?

I just got "dirty Harry" on DVD.

It's pretty awesome.

Oh, I hated that movie.

Me too.

It's just two hours of male bravado.

Stupid movie.

Charlie told me you're not seeing anyone.

I cannot believe that. You are so beautiful.

Caitlin's just waiting for the perfect guy.

Mr. right.

A man.

We ordered some appetizers. You have to try my calamari.

Mmm!

It's delicious.

Try some more.

Mmm.

Here.

Taste mine.

Oh, no, thanks, Charlie. Um, I don't like ribs.

Stupid ribs.

[LAUGHS]

Well, don't you look happy.

I'm guessing you got Claire to preside over your case.

Yep. My money's staying right where it is...

in a no-interest-bearing checking account.

Oh, excuse me, ladies!

Do you mind if I read you a passage from the book of Paul?

I'm not familiar with that.

It's the book of Paul lassiter.

"And the lord saideth,

'warm up the station wagon, 'cause you're gonna lose.'"

nah.

Great idea, Paul... heckle the nuns.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello, Claire.

I'm working,

so if you don't mind, it's "judge Simmons."

Hello, judge Simmons.

Don't "hello" me.

Look, I know that staying over at the mansion all the time

is very difficult for you,

so I'd like to make a gesture.

So you're willing to stay over at my place once in a while?

Oh, God, no. I got you an overnight bag.

It's a piece of luggage.

That's not a gesture.

It's a parting gift when you lose on a game show.

It has wheels. See?

This is unbelievable.

You don't know how to compromise, do you?

I compromise!

When? You think I enjoy antiquing?

I'm a wealthy man. I can afford new stuff.

Judge Simmons, may I just say

that the verdict is in,

and you are guilty of looking lovely today.

My good friend the mayor is a very lucky man.

Mr. lassiter...

I hope your opening statement carries more weight

than that pathetic attempt at flattery.

T-that was my opening statement.

I'm so glad Jen invited me to go out with you guys.

"Jen"? You call her "Jen"?

What does she call you... "caity-poo"?

What the hell are you talking about?

Look, Jennifer has been with a woman.

She has?

Everyone's done that except me.

Well, you might have a shot.

It's obvious she's totally into you.

It doesn't surprise me,

the way you've been acting around her.

Are you saying I'm hitting on your girlfriend?

I wasn't saying that,

but I find it interesting it's the first place you went.

Hmm?

Just because Jen's been with girls doesn't mean she wants me.

It's obvious she's crazy about you.

Ready to go, Charlie?

I'll get us a cab.

Thanks so much for joining us.

I had a great time.

Me too.

Good morning. Oh, hey.

You were right about Jen.

She is clearly into me.

As soon as we got in the cab,

she gave me the most passionate kiss.

You have no idea.

I have some idea.

It's like somebody flipped a switch,

and all this sexual energy was unleashed.

I can still taste her lip gloss.

It was, uh, papaya or...

Mango?

Yes!

Wait a minute.

How do you know what she tasted like?

Uh, when we said goodbye,

she kind of gave me a kiss on the lips.

How do you "kind of" give someone a kiss on the lips?

I probably shouldn't have said anything.

I'm sure it meant nothing.

No, no, no. No. Show me the kiss.

Was it like this...

Or like this?

Show me the second one again.

You getting anything?

No, but I'm surprised you are.

Some women are just very affectionate.

Maybe she's a lip-kisser.

I'm not buying it. We need a second opinion.

Stuart, can you get in here?

I'm really swamped right now.

It's about women kissing each other.

Stuart, what would you call a woman

who kisses another woman on the lips?

A lesbian.

What if they were saying goodbye?

A lesbian saying goodbye.

What if they're just very fond of each other as friends

and are expressing mutual respect and affection?

Everything you just said... with "lesbian" in front of it.

This is ridiculous!

You know, if you are so worried,

why don't you just ask her if she's attracted to me?

Because a relationship is built on trust.

I really like this woman.

We have so much in common. She's a lot like me.

So why would she want to cheat on you?

Because we have so much in common...

she's a lot like me.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hey, Jennifer.

Yeah, sure. Hold on.

Hey, Jennifer.

A designers' sample sale?

Ooh, do you think they have knee-high boots?

Okay, I will meet you there.

You can't go shopping with her. Why not?

Because she's going to get you alone,

put you in some tight clothes,

and then try to get you out of them.

What makes you think she'd do that?

'Cause that's what I would do.

Answer me this...

if nuns take a vow of poverty,

what do they need m money for?

Sister Claudia would like to use the money to clothe the needy,

feed the hungry, shelter the homeless,

and provide medicine for the sick.

That's very admirable.

And what would you do with the money, Mr. lassiter?

The same.

God, being in a relationship with a woman is so difficult.

How do you deal with it, Carter?

I date men.

That'll be my fallback.

Sir? Mm-hmm.

Claire is killing me with this arbitration.

She's mean, she's vindictive.

She's like a black widow circling her prey.

What's your point?

I like her.

I think you should get back together with her.

Forget it. I'm not making up with her.

Sir, a little compromise in a relationship never hurt anybody.

Destroyed my marriage with Helen.

She won our first argument,

and for the next 20 years she had the upper hand.

What was the argument about?

Who would have the upper hand.

She never respected me after that.

I am not going to let this happen with Claire.

Mnh-mnh.

It's a matter of principle.

But, sir, I have no principles.

Why should I have to suffer?

Every cause needs a martyr, Paul...

And you're mine.

I don't care if you wind up on the street selling pencils.

That's how much this means to me.

Oh, God.

Sir, if you care about Claire,

you have to move beyond your first marriage.

She shouldn't have to pay for what Helen did to you.

He's right. Come on, be a pal.

If Claire stays mad at you, I'm gonna lose,

and if I lose, I gotta give Claudia a lot of money.

How much are we talking here?

You add a zero,

that's what I pay Helen every month.

She seeing anyone?

Oh, look.

I snagged the last cashmere...

I saw that first.

I'll get it back... there's no way she's a size 2.

Wow... you look really sexy in that top.

Oh.

How 'bout now?

Hmm. Still sexy.

I'm not gonna get it.

Do you mind if I try it on?

Sure.

Oh, I'm really glad you invited me here.

Yeah, it's fun, isn't it?

Oh!

Oh.

I...

Saw this in "vogue."

I like it.

Let's see...

Hmm.

How do my boobs look in this shirt?

I don't know.

Um, I-I didn't even notice you had boobs.

You know who you should ask? Men. Men love boobs.

Damn, this button's stuck.

Can you give me a hand?

Okay...

I-I can't do this anymore.

Uh, Jen, it... it seems that you're attracted to me.

And while I am flattered and I do like you very much,

it's just... it's not in that way.

Caitlin, I'm not attracted to you.

Oh.

Want to look for handbags?

What is going on?

I'm... I'm sorry.

You know, I never should have jumped to conclusions.

It's just that Charlie got into my head.

Charlie? What did he tell you?

Well, he said that you had a relationship with a woman,

and I guess I got a little paranoid after you kissed me, so...

That's how I say goodbye. I'm just a lip-kisser.

Believe me, Caitlin, I am in no way attracted to you.

Yeah, I heard you the first time.

I just cannot believe Charlie doesn't trust me.

Oh, don't blame this all on him.

He was just thrown by your past. He's really a good guy.

He trusts you more than you think.

Hey.

What are you guys doing in casuals?

You are unbelievable.

[SIGHS]

Excuse me...

Do you think this top is too revealing?

No.

Claire, can we talk?

Oh, look at the tissues. Have you been crying?

No, those are Paul's.

What do you want?

Well, I-I want you to have this.

Didn't I already tell you where you can put that?

Yes, but I was pretty sure it would void the warranty.

Open it.

These are your things.

I'm gonna need them if I stay at your place tonight.

I really appreciate this.

Oh, and tonight, um,

you'll be doing more than sleeping.

Oh, that's good... you got your cable fixed.

Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire... What?

You mean everything to me, and I realize

that the only way that this relationship is gonna work

is if I stop being so selfish.

Ohh...

My favorite chocolates.

Those are mine.

Well, it's, uh, almost time to start up again,

so I'm gonna see you tonight.

[GIGGLES]

Would you mind being a little easier on Paul?

He's not such a bad guy.

Ah, there's my buddy now!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Buddy" is a little strong,

don't you think?

Judge Simmons...

I'm afraid I have given you the impression

that the mayor and I are close.

We are not.

Like you, I find him to be selfish, stubborn,

and a bad lover.

I've left enough women unsatisfied to know the look.

Paul, Claire and I are back together again.

Oh, why do you hate me?!

I can't believe Charlie.

I tell him I've been with one woman, and he freaks out.

I know... I was judged the same way in college

when people found out I was with two guys.

Really? How did that happen?

Well, I was with Joe until I was a sophomore,

and then I dated Dave my junior and senior years.

Charlie, why are you wearing that?

I put my coat down for one second,

and some woman bought it.

I'm not gonna freeze out there.

They took your shirt, too?

No, this is mine.

Jennifer...

I shouldn't have followed you to that store.

It was a dumb thing to do.

I know. It was ridiculous for me to think

you could ever be attracted to Caitlin.

Yeah, we covered that.

Charlie, I shared something personal with you

because I trusted you,

and you assumed I'm some sex-crazed nympho

who's going to cheat on you with Caitlin...

a woman you call your best friend?

I mean, really.

That is the lamest, most pathetic...

you call me your best friend?

Ohh.

I want you to know

that our relationship means the world to me.

Oh, well, it means a lot to me, too.

I'm gonna go.

Best friend. Mm.

Jennifer, I'm just not used to being in a relationship

with a woman that has your dating history.

How do you think I feel?

I mean, just yesterday Stuart was going on

about all the "Bettys" you've hooked up with.

For your information, I've only been with five.

You've only been with five women?

Only five named Betty.

[SIGHS]

Usually I'm not the jealous type,

but I don't know how to compete with a whole other gender.

I was worried you'd start missing what I don't have.

I mean, my skin isn't that soft. I don't smell that great.

Yes, you do.

I know.

You want to get out of here?

Sure.

Bitch.

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

It's been a number of decades since my last confession.

Since that time, I've staged a fake bar mitzvah,

taken the lord's name in vain,

and I moved a sizable amount of money

into a Swiss bank account

to keep it out of the hands of my ex-wife,

who is now a nun.

Gotcha.

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Barking)

Moo.