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1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:03,201
Hi, I'm calling
on behalf of Mike Flaherty.
2
00:00:03,235 --> 00:00:05,036
Is councilwoman Schwartz
3
00:00:05,070 --> 00:00:07,906
still attending the benefit
with the mayor?
4
00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:10,441
Great.
May I speak to her, please?
5
00:00:10,475 --> 00:00:11,642
Good morning.
6
00:00:11,677 --> 00:00:12,777
Good morning!
7
00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:14,545
Beautiful day, huh?
8
00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:17,048
Oh, yeah... crisp!
9
00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:19,584
Mike wanted to go over what
you'll be wearing tomorrow.
10
00:00:19,619 --> 00:00:22,186
Suit.
11
00:00:22,221 --> 00:00:24,255
Mike was hoping
something more festive.
12
00:00:24,290 --> 00:00:25,823
Like what?
13
00:00:25,858 --> 00:00:27,658
A cocktail dress.
14
00:00:27,693 --> 00:00:29,827
A cocktail dress?
15
00:00:29,862 --> 00:00:31,596
If you're not comfortable
wearing that,
16
00:00:31,630 --> 00:00:33,598
the mayor can always find
someone else.
17
00:00:33,632 --> 00:00:35,567
He'd fire me?
18
00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:37,135
Exactly.
19
00:00:37,169 --> 00:00:41,706
All right, I'll wear one.
20
00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:44,375
Listen, you need any help
finding a dress?
21
00:00:44,410 --> 00:00:46,177
No, I have one.
22
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,579
Hey, good morning, Paul.
23
00:00:47,613 --> 00:00:49,013
All right...
24
00:00:49,048 --> 00:00:50,848
I'll come to work
tomorrow morning,
25
00:00:50,883 --> 00:00:52,284
I'll wear a cocktail dress,
26
00:00:52,318 --> 00:00:55,253
and prance around
like some hairy debutante!
27
00:00:55,288 --> 00:00:57,622
You win!
Congratulations!
28
00:00:57,657 --> 00:00:59,291
You're the winner!
29
00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:07,499
What sick, demented contest
did I enter?
30
00:01:07,533 --> 00:01:10,134
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]
31
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:40,198
Nik, I just want you
to know...
32
00:01:40,232 --> 00:01:41,199
I know.
33
00:01:41,233 --> 00:01:42,667
I'm sorry?
34
00:01:42,701 --> 00:01:45,336
The gray coat
you've been wearing all week...
35
00:01:45,371 --> 00:01:48,239
the same gray coat
you wore on our first date...
36
00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:51,276
turn down the volume.
I hear you.
37
00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:52,910
It's a raincoat, Mike.
38
00:01:52,945 --> 00:01:54,779
I wear it when it rains.
39
00:01:54,813 --> 00:01:57,081
And it's raining
on the inside, isn't it?
40
00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:58,850
What is the forecast, Nik,
41
00:01:58,884 --> 00:02:01,519
partly lonely
with a chance of regret?
42
00:02:01,553 --> 00:02:04,455
All I'm saying is that this
is a difficult time for us,
43
00:02:04,489 --> 00:02:06,724
and there's bound to be
some weirdness.
44
00:02:06,758 --> 00:02:09,093
And apparently you're going to
provide it.
45
00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:11,162
Morning.
Morning.
46
00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:13,398
Good morning, Mike.
47
00:02:13,432 --> 00:02:14,866
What are you doin' here?
48
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,668
I asked you if I could
sit in on the meeting.
49
00:02:17,703 --> 00:02:19,470
Yeah, and I said no.
50
00:02:19,505 --> 00:02:21,272
And I came anyway.
51
00:02:21,306 --> 00:02:23,941
Really don't want you here.
52
00:02:23,976 --> 00:02:26,945
Really
don't care.
53
00:02:26,979 --> 00:02:28,579
As long as we're clear.
54
00:02:28,614 --> 00:02:30,348
Uh, kids are back in school,
55
00:02:30,382 --> 00:02:32,684
and voters are thinking
about education,
56
00:02:32,718 --> 00:02:35,953
so we have named a junior
high school after the mayor.
57
00:02:35,988 --> 00:02:38,923
That's easy answers,
not substantive change.
58
00:02:38,957 --> 00:02:40,625
Slick politics as usual.
59
00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:42,259
But with a kick-ass mascot!
60
00:02:44,263 --> 00:02:47,398
Kids, we're giving you something
better than literacy...
61
00:02:47,432 --> 00:02:49,533
it's a beaver!
62
00:02:49,568 --> 00:02:51,202
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
63
00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:52,703
That's a
raccoon.
64
00:02:52,738 --> 00:02:55,340
I'd know those eyes
anywhere.
65
00:02:55,374 --> 00:02:59,610
I was mauled by one
at a rest stop in Pennsylvania.
66
00:02:59,644 --> 00:03:02,280
Woodchuck.
I was also attacked...
67
00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:05,583
...in my family's rec room.
68
00:03:05,617 --> 00:03:08,386
Guys, we, uh...
we have a visitor.
69
00:03:08,420 --> 00:03:11,523
How did a woodchuck
get in the family's rec room?
70
00:03:11,557 --> 00:03:14,259
Snuck in
through the pig door.
71
00:03:14,293 --> 00:03:16,060
Hello!
Government meeting here!
72
00:03:16,094 --> 00:03:17,728
We have a lot
to accomplish today.
73
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:19,763
Let's stay focused
and not get distracted.
74
00:03:19,798 --> 00:03:21,933
I'm telling you,
that is a beaver!
75
00:03:21,967 --> 00:03:25,069
How would you know
what a beaver looks like?
76
00:03:27,973 --> 00:03:30,708
Yeah,
I'd like to talk to m...
77
00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:33,111
yeah?
78
00:03:33,145 --> 00:03:35,013
I'd like to talk to Mike.
79
00:03:35,047 --> 00:03:37,382
I would like to party
backstage with pm dawn...
80
00:03:37,416 --> 00:03:39,951
doesn't mean
it's gonna happen.
81
00:03:39,985 --> 00:03:41,686
James, ever since
you got that headset,
82
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,955
you've become too big
for your britches.
83
00:03:43,989 --> 00:03:45,222
I gotta talk to Mike
84
00:03:45,257 --> 00:03:47,058
about who's gonna wear
the badger suit
85
00:03:47,092 --> 00:03:48,926
at the school
press conference.
86
00:03:48,961 --> 00:03:52,330
Paul, as deputy-deputy mayor
of New York City,
87
00:03:52,364 --> 00:03:55,366
I'll be deciding that.
88
00:03:57,369 --> 00:03:59,203
You can't decide that, James.
89
00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:00,871
You're just a secretary.
90
00:04:00,906 --> 00:04:03,107
You're a lowlife,
pencil-pushin',
91
00:04:03,142 --> 00:04:05,443
bottom-of-the-barrel
secretary.
92
00:04:05,477 --> 00:04:08,580
You just bought yourself
two hours in a badger suit!
93
00:04:10,549 --> 00:04:12,149
If the mayor is gonna win,
94
00:04:12,184 --> 00:04:15,920
we're gonna raise your staff's
professionalism to a new level.
95
00:04:15,954 --> 00:04:18,556
This is not some
stuffy corporate environment.
96
00:04:18,590 --> 00:04:21,459
What I've created here
is a free-form think tank...
97
00:04:21,493 --> 00:04:23,461
a mental playground,
if you will.
98
00:04:23,495 --> 00:04:26,164
Now, some of our most profound
and innovative ideas
99
00:04:26,198 --> 00:04:28,066
are born out of chaos.
100
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,168
Look at me!
I'm a secretary!
101
00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:32,637
I'm a secre...
hello? Is this thing on?!
102
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:35,373
Can you tell I'm a secretary?
Hello?
103
00:04:37,009 --> 00:04:38,810
They're onto something ÷ big.
104
00:04:44,950 --> 00:04:48,119
Stuart, I'll just be
a few more minutes.
105
00:04:48,153 --> 00:04:49,654
What's the headband for...
106
00:04:49,688 --> 00:04:53,925
to keep the
bald out of your eyes?
107
00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:56,528
You know, Stuart,
it's the wit like that
108
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,497
that makes you such catnip
for the hookers.
109
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,399
So this is the gay gym, huh?
110
00:05:01,433 --> 00:05:04,302
It's not actually called
"the gay gym."
111
00:05:04,336 --> 00:05:07,671
But it's a gym
with nothing but gay men.
112
00:05:07,706 --> 00:05:12,043
I hear you can land a 747
in the steam room.
113
00:05:12,077 --> 00:05:13,544
We don't work out here.
114
00:05:13,578 --> 00:05:15,546
We just run
around the locker room,
115
00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:18,516
snapping towels at each other,
and having naked chicken fights,
116
00:05:18,550 --> 00:05:20,018
you tool.
117
00:05:20,052 --> 00:05:21,586
I got better things to do
118
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,688
than hang around here
and look at men.
119
00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:26,857
Holy cow, will you look
at the cans on that guy!
120
00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:29,627
Beautiful women
come here
121
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:31,730
so they can work out
without being hit on.
122
00:05:34,532 --> 00:05:38,569
[CHURCH ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
123
00:05:38,603 --> 00:05:40,238
There is
a heaven...
124
00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:42,340
And it's a gay gym.
125
00:05:45,277 --> 00:05:48,646
Hey, Nik.
126
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,249
I recognize that sweater.
127
00:05:51,283 --> 00:05:54,018
Second date... boathouse...
128
00:05:54,052 --> 00:05:56,086
Met your mom.
129
00:05:56,121 --> 00:05:58,389
That was the sweater
that said,
130
00:05:58,423 --> 00:06:02,627
"we want you
in the family, Mike."
131
00:06:02,661 --> 00:06:04,295
You know what?
132
00:06:04,329 --> 00:06:06,797
Why don't you come over
to my apartment tonight
133
00:06:06,831 --> 00:06:08,966
and tell me
which of my clothes say,
134
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,169
"stay the hell away
from me"?
135
00:06:11,203 --> 00:06:12,904
Nikki, I had an idea...
136
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,872
I just thought
it might help us.
137
00:06:14,906 --> 00:06:17,041
Tell me what you think
about this...
138
00:06:17,075 --> 00:06:18,876
couples counseling.
139
00:06:18,910 --> 00:06:19,911
No.
140
00:06:19,945 --> 00:06:22,246
Fine. I respect that.
141
00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:23,847
Let's just, uh...
142
00:06:23,882 --> 00:06:27,385
let's just go
to the budget meeting.
143
00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:29,354
Nikki, this is tom.
144
00:06:29,388 --> 00:06:31,789
Tom, this is Nikki.
Let's dive right in.
145
00:06:31,824 --> 00:06:34,258
Nikki's under the misconception
that I am deceitful
146
00:06:34,292 --> 00:06:36,928
and manipulative
and that you're an accountant.
147
00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:38,463
He's a therapist!
148
00:06:38,497 --> 00:06:40,598
You lied to me
to get me in here!
149
00:06:43,535 --> 00:06:46,804
And how does that
make you feel?
150
00:06:46,838 --> 00:06:48,939
This
is great!
151
00:06:48,974 --> 00:06:53,444
Your gay gym
rejected my application!
152
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:55,613
Stuart,
under "personal goals,"
153
00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:59,183
you put
"two chicks in a hot tub."
154
00:06:59,217 --> 00:07:01,452
Still, it's discrimination.
155
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:05,256
This goes against everything
you stand for.
156
00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:10,428
Discrimination in
any form is a violation of...
157
00:07:10,462 --> 00:07:13,498
that... ohh!
158
00:07:13,532 --> 00:07:15,699
That thing... that list.
159
00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:18,536
You know,
the gay manifesto!
160
00:07:18,570 --> 00:07:20,238
The "bill of rights"?!
161
00:07:20,272 --> 00:07:23,341
That's the one!
162
00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:26,844
Just forget
that I'm payin' the bill.
163
00:07:26,878 --> 00:07:28,780
And no way do I expect you
to take my side.
164
00:07:28,814 --> 00:07:30,581
I'm here as a
couples counselor.
165
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:32,183
There'll be no "sides."
166
00:07:32,217 --> 00:07:34,352
Right.
167
00:07:34,386 --> 00:07:36,787
Gotcha.
168
00:07:38,557 --> 00:07:39,824
Nikki and I are here
169
00:07:39,859 --> 00:07:42,093
because we want to give
this thing another go.
170
00:07:42,127 --> 00:07:44,996
No, we don't.
171
00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:46,697
There you go, doc.
172
00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:49,033
Get in there...
work your magic.
173
00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:52,202
Half the time
we were together,
174
00:07:52,237 --> 00:07:54,238
I felt like
he wasn't even there.
175
00:07:54,272 --> 00:07:55,606
And you blamed yourself.
176
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,041
Yes.
Yes, yes!
177
00:07:57,075 --> 00:07:59,510
I felt like
it was all my fault.
178
00:07:59,545 --> 00:08:01,546
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
179
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,247
I felt that way, too.
180
00:08:03,281 --> 00:08:05,116
That's good, Mike.
Think about that.
181
00:08:06,751 --> 00:08:09,153
Do you want to tell me
about your childhood?
182
00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:10,822
You never asked me that.
183
00:08:10,856 --> 00:08:13,090
I thought we were thinking.
184
00:08:13,124 --> 00:08:16,494
When I was 6...
185
00:08:16,528 --> 00:08:19,497
I lost my binky.
186
00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:25,937
[VOICE BREAKING] Turns out
my mom just threw it away.
187
00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:30,575
So really what you're doing
is transferring
188
00:08:30,609 --> 00:08:34,779
Mike's negative feelings
about himself onto you.
189
00:08:38,717 --> 00:08:41,019
You might want to get
a check ready.
190
00:08:41,086 --> 00:08:45,222
I'm finishing up here.
191
00:08:45,257 --> 00:08:48,192
Thank you, tom.
This has been great.
192
00:08:51,363 --> 00:08:53,398
Goodbye, doctor.
193
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:55,165
Goodbye, patient.
194
00:08:57,669 --> 00:09:01,239
I think we had
some real breakthroughs here.
195
00:09:01,273 --> 00:09:03,708
Yeah, well,
I know I had one...
196
00:09:03,742 --> 00:09:05,409
you suck.
197
00:09:08,547 --> 00:09:09,947
Welcome, students.
198
00:09:09,981 --> 00:09:11,249
As your parents know,
199
00:09:11,283 --> 00:09:14,452
I've always considered myself
"the education mayor,"
200
00:09:14,486 --> 00:09:16,220
so I am particularly proud
201
00:09:16,254 --> 00:09:18,289
of Randall m. Winston
junior high
202
00:09:18,323 --> 00:09:20,524
and our great mascot...
203
00:09:23,395 --> 00:09:25,630
...the rat.
204
00:09:25,664 --> 00:09:28,065
Badger.
They're badgers, sir.
205
00:09:28,099 --> 00:09:31,869
Remember, parents,
"badger" your kids to study.
206
00:09:31,903 --> 00:09:34,972
Study! Study! Study!
207
00:09:35,006 --> 00:09:39,877
Mike, whoever wore this thing
before me threw up in it!
208
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:43,514
Well, you roll the dice
when you rent.
209
00:09:43,548 --> 00:09:46,417
Mr. mayor, a lot of kids
think the standardized tests
210
00:09:46,451 --> 00:09:48,386
for city eighth-graders
are too hard.
211
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:50,054
What do you think?
212
00:09:50,088 --> 00:09:52,223
I think
that's a very good question,
213
00:09:52,257 --> 00:09:53,925
but the answer is "no."
214
00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:55,860
Those tests
are very important.
215
00:09:55,894 --> 00:09:58,629
You kids just need to study,
study, study,
216
00:09:58,663 --> 00:10:01,699
like busy little... Badgers.
217
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,367
How about a sample question?
218
00:10:03,401 --> 00:10:05,403
Sure! Hit me!
219
00:10:05,437 --> 00:10:07,772
"A tape player runs
at 7 inches per second.
220
00:10:07,806 --> 00:10:09,707
"How many hours of play
will I get
221
00:10:09,741 --> 00:10:11,342
with an 800-foot-long tape?"
222
00:10:15,079 --> 00:10:16,948
Pass.
223
00:10:16,982 --> 00:10:19,283
Are you saying
you can't answer the question?
224
00:10:19,317 --> 00:10:21,752
The mayor
can answer that question.
225
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,322
The mayor can answer
any question on that test.
226
00:10:24,356 --> 00:10:26,190
So the mayor
will take the test?
227
00:10:26,224 --> 00:10:30,795
The mayor is far too busy
to take that test.
228
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:32,763
So you're saying
"the education mayor"
229
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,564
has no time for kids?
230
00:10:34,599 --> 00:10:37,368
You sure
you go to public school?
231
00:10:45,910 --> 00:10:47,044
Morning, Mike.
232
00:10:47,078 --> 00:10:48,212
Caitlin.
233
00:10:48,246 --> 00:10:49,714
Great day, huh?
234
00:10:49,748 --> 00:10:51,081
I don't want to hear it.
235
00:10:51,116 --> 00:10:52,950
Have you seen
today's papers?
236
00:10:52,984 --> 00:10:56,120
"Mayor stumped
by eighth-grader"...
237
00:10:56,154 --> 00:10:57,622
"Mayor held back"...
238
00:10:57,656 --> 00:11:02,660
And my personal favorite...
"mayor... stupid."
239
00:11:02,694 --> 00:11:07,197
Nobody reads
usa today.
240
00:11:07,232 --> 00:11:10,334
Sorry I'm late, but now
that you have to take the test,
241
00:11:10,368 --> 00:11:13,437
I thought we should review
some of the subjects.
242
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:14,705
Oh, it'll be fun.
243
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:16,774
It'll be like I'm back
in prep school.
244
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:19,444
But I'm afraid
you're gonna have to study
245
00:11:19,478 --> 00:11:23,113
a little harder than you did
at Winston academy.
246
00:11:23,148 --> 00:11:24,948
Pauly, since we
have janelle in here,
247
00:11:24,983 --> 00:11:27,051
we probably don't need
two secretaries.
248
00:11:27,085 --> 00:11:29,853
I'm the press
secretary, James.
249
00:11:29,888 --> 00:11:32,957
Well, put whatever word
you want in front of it.
250
00:11:32,991 --> 00:11:34,791
That's it.
I'm takin' the headset.
251
00:11:34,826 --> 00:11:36,961
You're one word away
from that badger suit!
252
00:11:36,995 --> 00:11:38,395
But...
253
00:11:38,429 --> 00:11:40,464
that's the word!
Suit up!
254
00:11:45,303 --> 00:11:48,572
Janelle, note in the minutes
Paul was asked to leave.
255
00:11:48,606 --> 00:11:51,075
Yeah, I'll put it in here
right before
256
00:11:51,109 --> 00:11:56,980
"janelle puts foot
in deputy deputy mayor's ass."
257
00:11:57,015 --> 00:11:59,350
All right, "my brother
is twice as old as I am.
258
00:11:59,384 --> 00:12:01,986
"10 years from now
he will be 13 years older.
259
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:03,987
How old am I?"
260
00:12:04,022 --> 00:12:11,762
My brother is 53,
and he's still a bachelor.
261
00:12:11,796 --> 00:12:16,733
He took his friend Hector
to mother's funeral.
262
00:12:16,768 --> 00:12:18,469
Your brother's gay, sir.
263
00:12:19,871 --> 00:12:21,572
"A man
sells a mixture of nuts
264
00:12:21,606 --> 00:12:23,574
"consisting of 1/3 pecans
and 2/3 cashews.
265
00:12:23,608 --> 00:12:25,709
If a pound
of the nut mixture..."
266
00:12:25,743 --> 00:12:30,581
you know, I'm overdue
for my testicular exam.
267
00:12:33,051 --> 00:12:35,686
I'm just here to tutor, sir.
268
00:12:37,489 --> 00:12:39,924
If anyone deserves
to be discriminated against,
269
00:12:39,958 --> 00:12:42,259
it's this man.
270
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:47,297
But our forefathers
gave their lives
271
00:12:47,332 --> 00:12:49,399
so that repugnant creeps
like him
272
00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:51,435
can walk into any gym
in this land
273
00:12:51,469 --> 00:12:53,303
and take a spin class.
274
00:12:53,338 --> 00:12:55,005
Am I happy about that?
275
00:12:55,039 --> 00:12:57,675
Would I want to be the one
on the bike next to him?
276
00:12:57,709 --> 00:12:59,677
No!
277
00:12:59,711 --> 00:13:02,213
But do you know who would?
278
00:13:02,247 --> 00:13:06,216
Thomas Jefferson!
279
00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:09,754
I don't think
fruit basket's buyin' it.
280
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:11,555
Tom?
281
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:13,757
I wasn't expecting you.
282
00:13:13,791 --> 00:13:17,828
Yeah, uh,
we should probably talk.
283
00:13:17,862 --> 00:13:20,164
Oh, hey, listen...
no need to apologize, okay?
284
00:13:20,198 --> 00:13:21,865
We all do things we regret.
285
00:13:21,899 --> 00:13:24,335
You lost your objectivity
in our session,
286
00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:27,271
and I stopped payment
on your check.
287
00:13:27,305 --> 00:13:29,639
Don't beat yourself up.
288
00:13:29,674 --> 00:13:32,476
Actually, I'm more worried
about you beating me up.
289
00:13:32,511 --> 00:13:34,245
Now, tom, why would I...
290
00:13:36,281 --> 00:13:38,849
ready for lunch?
291
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:40,250
Oh, gotcha!
292
00:13:40,285 --> 00:13:42,652
I'm sorry, Mike,
it's just...
293
00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:46,557
we had a real connection.
294
00:13:46,591 --> 00:13:48,392
Yeah... me,
tom! I was the connection!
295
00:13:48,426 --> 00:13:50,460
You know,
this is so unprofessional!
296
00:13:50,495 --> 00:13:52,696
You could lose your license
for this!
297
00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:54,699
Well, I've been looking
for an excuse
298
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:58,202
to focus on my music anyway.
299
00:13:58,236 --> 00:13:59,136
You're a musician?
300
00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:07,944
Sir,
how's the studying going?
301
00:14:07,979 --> 00:14:09,713
I'm stumped.
302
00:14:09,747 --> 00:14:14,118
Why is Cher "in"
and Madonna "out"?
303
00:14:14,152 --> 00:14:16,053
Because Cher's
a survivor, sir.
304
00:14:16,087 --> 00:14:17,788
Give me the magazine.
305
00:14:20,191 --> 00:14:22,692
What are those?
306
00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:24,495
Very special sneakers, sir.
307
00:14:24,529 --> 00:14:26,129
Put them on.
308
00:14:26,164 --> 00:14:28,165
History and geography
on your right,
309
00:14:28,199 --> 00:14:30,467
science and vocabulary
on your left.
310
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:33,771
They're "cross-cheaters."
311
00:14:33,805 --> 00:14:35,272
I feel smarter already.
312
00:14:35,306 --> 00:14:37,708
Oh, Mike,
next time you're in Montana,
313
00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:40,511
make sure
you stop by the capital...
314
00:14:40,545 --> 00:14:43,280
Helena.
315
00:14:43,314 --> 00:14:44,915
Sir, Caitlin's here.
316
00:14:44,949 --> 00:14:46,851
Oh, good.
Send her in.
317
00:14:46,885 --> 00:14:49,186
And thank you
for being so...
318
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:51,422
Assiduous.
319
00:14:52,890 --> 00:14:54,658
Mr. mayor, I was just talking
320
00:14:54,692 --> 00:14:57,027
to the prime minister
of Mozambique about you.
321
00:14:57,061 --> 00:14:58,429
Mozambique?
322
00:14:58,463 --> 00:15:00,697
Isn't their chief export...
323
00:15:00,731 --> 00:15:02,732
Salt?
324
00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:04,568
Sir, the only thing worse
325
00:15:04,602 --> 00:15:06,470
than failing
an eighth-grade test
326
00:15:06,504 --> 00:15:09,273
is getting caught cheatingon an eighth-grade test.
327
00:15:09,307 --> 00:15:11,475
You're not wearing
those shoes.
328
00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,510
I'm sorry. I don't see
how you can stop him.
329
00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:20,818
Well, Caitlin,
that was kind of...
330
00:15:20,852 --> 00:15:26,156
In-cur-cos...
331
00:15:26,190 --> 00:15:28,525
Blah!
332
00:15:33,731 --> 00:15:37,034
I must admit, the last time
I took a standardized test,
333
00:15:37,068 --> 00:15:41,071
I didn't feel anywhere near
this much pressure.
334
00:15:42,707 --> 00:15:44,842
I just want to say
that I am fully confident
335
00:15:44,876 --> 00:15:47,511
that I'm gonna pass this test
with ease.
336
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:51,815
I feel like I have
a group of great minds
337
00:15:51,849 --> 00:15:55,085
taking this test with me.
338
00:15:55,119 --> 00:15:57,654
And now I shall begin.
339
00:15:57,688 --> 00:16:01,625
And now I shall begin.
340
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:06,096
"Who was the supreme
allied commander on d-day?"
341
00:16:06,130 --> 00:16:08,432
Dwight d. Eisenhower.
Omar Bradley.
342
00:16:08,466 --> 00:16:11,635
I'll tell you who it
wasn't ... a black man...
343
00:16:11,669 --> 00:16:15,539
Even though "Omar"
sounds like a brother.
344
00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:19,610
Well, I know
it wasn't a black man...
345
00:16:22,380 --> 00:16:26,617
...even though "Omar"
does sound like my brother.
346
00:16:26,651 --> 00:16:29,620
Sir, it was
Dwight d. Eisenhower.
347
00:16:29,654 --> 00:16:31,488
Caitlin's coming!
348
00:16:34,592 --> 00:16:35,960
What's going on in there?
349
00:16:35,994 --> 00:16:37,761
Nothing...
nothing at all.
350
00:16:39,364 --> 00:16:41,532
We need a bunsen burner,
a Spanish dictionary,
351
00:16:41,566 --> 00:16:44,001
and a styrofoam model
of the solar system.
352
00:16:45,203 --> 00:16:46,704
Okay, I lied...
353
00:16:46,738 --> 00:16:49,340
I'm making fondue
for a Mexican astronomer.
354
00:16:49,374 --> 00:16:50,740
You guys are cheating.
355
00:16:50,775 --> 00:16:54,010
Okay, what's the first element
on the periodic table?
356
00:16:54,045 --> 00:16:56,746
It's either hydrogen
or helium. Somebody...
357
00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:59,015
boron!
Nitrogen!
358
00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:01,618
Nutrasweet!
359
00:17:03,888 --> 00:17:05,723
Caitlin?
360
00:17:05,757 --> 00:17:07,525
Help.
361
00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:08,559
Yeah, right.
362
00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:09,727
Come on.
363
00:17:09,761 --> 00:17:11,061
No way.
364
00:17:11,095 --> 00:17:12,863
Oh, I get it.
365
00:17:12,897 --> 00:17:14,498
Little miss Ivy league
doesn't know.
366
00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:16,033
Oh, I know.
367
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,568
She doesn't know.
368
00:17:17,602 --> 00:17:20,604
ALL: [CHANTING]
She doesn't know.
369
00:17:20,638 --> 00:17:22,873
It's hydrogen.
370
00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:25,409
It's hydrogen!
371
00:17:26,977 --> 00:17:29,747
If we're gonna cheat,
let's at least do it right.
372
00:17:29,781 --> 00:17:30,981
Gimme me that headset.
373
00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:32,883
[SIGHS]
It's hydrogen, sir,
374
00:17:32,917 --> 00:17:35,185
although I don't approve
of cheating.
375
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,520
Give that back.
376
00:17:36,554 --> 00:17:38,689
I'm in charge now.
Guess again.
377
00:17:38,723 --> 00:17:39,857
No, you guess.
378
00:17:39,891 --> 00:17:41,391
Gimme them!
Give me!
379
00:17:41,425 --> 00:17:43,326
You give it...
give me...
380
00:17:43,361 --> 00:17:44,594
ha!
381
00:17:44,629 --> 00:17:46,630
I got the biggest half.
382
00:17:46,664 --> 00:17:48,331
Hello?
383
00:17:48,366 --> 00:17:50,067
Hello?
384
00:17:50,101 --> 00:17:51,501
Where are the voices?
385
00:17:51,536 --> 00:17:53,336
I don't hear the voices.
386
00:18:00,411 --> 00:18:02,946
Not only is he gonna fail,
but look at me...
387
00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:04,648
I helped the mayor cheat.
388
00:18:04,682 --> 00:18:06,383
I fought over a headset.
389
00:18:06,417 --> 00:18:09,386
I'm like a classier,
more intelligent...
390
00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:11,855
You.
391
00:18:11,889 --> 00:18:13,190
Oh, yeah, real classy.
392
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:15,592
I think I still have
one of your press-on nails
393
00:18:15,626 --> 00:18:17,627
in my back.
394
00:18:22,033 --> 00:18:24,401
95th percentile!
Who's the man?!
395
00:18:24,435 --> 00:18:25,369
Ooh!
396
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,137
You are, sir,
and, uh,
397
00:18:27,171 --> 00:18:30,874
no offense, but, uh, how?
398
00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:33,844
That section on yachting
put me right over the top.
399
00:18:33,878 --> 00:18:36,947
And my passing
this eighth-grade test
400
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:40,651
has given me the confidenceto be a United States senator.
401
00:18:40,685 --> 00:18:42,719
You know what they say
about congress...
402
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:45,922
it's just like high school...
But with missiles.
403
00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:51,361
Hey, tom,
having a good day?
404
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:53,364
I know what you're trying
to do here.
405
00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:55,499
My power has been turned off,
406
00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:57,668
my driver's license
has been suspended,
407
00:18:57,702 --> 00:19:00,136
and they've rerouted
the West Side highway
408
00:19:00,171 --> 00:19:02,372
through my living room.
409
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:04,274
Don't know what
you're talking about.
410
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:06,176
I had nothing to do
with any of that...
411
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:07,877
Or with your car
being towed.
412
00:19:07,912 --> 00:19:10,180
My, uh, car
hasn't been towed.
413
00:19:10,214 --> 00:19:12,949
Whatever you say, tom.
414
00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,155
You know, the problem
isn't tom, Mike.
415
00:19:18,189 --> 00:19:20,257
The problem is you and me.
416
00:19:20,291 --> 00:19:22,759
I just can't accept that
there's nothing I can do.
417
00:19:22,793 --> 00:19:24,294
I don't blame you
418
00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:26,630
for not wanting to give me
another chance,
419
00:19:26,664 --> 00:19:29,666
but I believe if you do,
this time I'll get it right.
420
00:19:31,036 --> 00:19:32,803
I'll put you before work.
421
00:19:32,837 --> 00:19:36,106
I'll be honest.
422
00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:40,878
I'll make sure you feel
as special as I know you are.
423
00:19:40,912 --> 00:19:43,346
You just have to let me.
424
00:19:45,249 --> 00:19:47,985
[SIGHS]
425
00:19:48,019 --> 00:19:51,388
Why couldn't you have
said that a long time ago?
426
00:19:51,422 --> 00:19:53,390
I know that I should have.
427
00:19:53,424 --> 00:19:55,392
I, uh...
428
00:19:55,426 --> 00:19:57,794
I'm saying it
now.
429
00:19:57,828 --> 00:20:01,297
It's too late now.
430
00:20:01,332 --> 00:20:03,533
Sorry.
431
00:20:38,269 --> 00:20:41,804
Remember, you're the first
straight guy here.
432
00:20:41,839 --> 00:20:44,774
You have to be better
than the rest!
433
00:20:44,809 --> 00:20:48,678
You're like a white,
classless Jackie Robinson.
434
00:20:48,713 --> 00:20:50,113
I won't let you down.
435
00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:53,851
Hi.
Hi.
436
00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,218
Hi.
437
00:20:55,252 --> 00:20:57,787
Hi. Nice bracelet.
438
00:20:57,822 --> 00:21:00,723
It's hindu. They believe
if you lead a good life
439
00:21:00,758 --> 00:21:03,660
you get rewarded by returning
as a more evolved being.
440
00:21:03,694 --> 00:21:10,000
Really? Your sports bra must've
cured polio in its last life.
441
00:21:10,068 --> 00:21:13,837
That's it,
you're out of here.
442
00:21:13,871 --> 00:21:16,306
It was worth it!
443
00:21:16,340 --> 00:21:18,942
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
444
00:21:18,977 --> 00:21:20,109
(BARKING)31312
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