Original subtitles

We need to talk.

[SIGHS] Caitlin...

It's the middle of the night.

Can't this wait until tomorrow?

It's about our kiss.

[MARVIN GAYE'S "Let's get it on" PLAYS]

* I've been really tryin'...

It was a big mistake, and it can never happen again.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Let me get this straight.

You crossed town, got me out of bed,

just to tell me you don't want me?

Yes.

This is the worst Booty call ever.

I'm sorry.

I needed you to know that this isn't going anywhere.

Oh, come on, Caitlin.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about that kiss.

We both know it meant something.

I'm not just saying that because we're eight feet from the bed,

and I'm wearing tearaway pajama bottoms.

I'm sorry, but I'm with tom now, and I'm happy.

Okay.

Don't take it personally.

It's not that I don't find you attractive.

["Let's get it on" PLAYS]

* I've been really tryin', baby *

* tryin' to hold back these feelings for so long *

* and if...

So, you obviously had some second thoughts

after leaving last night. What are you talking about?

Oh, come on. Your cab stopped three blocks away at a Korean market.

You got out and took one last look back at my apartment.

Pretty pathetic.

How did you know?

I was running after you.

I had to get milk anyway.

What's going on with you and Charlie?

Okay, this has to stay between us.

Charlie and I kissed last night.

Oh! What kind of kiss was it?

Was it a "goodbye, grandma,"

or a "take me, you oiled-up hunky spartan"?

Sorry. I just rented "gladiator."

Tom has been so good to me. I don't know why I would do anything

to sabotage our relationship.

I feel so confused and guilty.

Maybe you should talk to someone.

My guy's great.

Wow. Your therapist gave you his home number,

his pager number, and his mom's number in Florida?

Is that normal? We try not to use the word "normal."

Thanks, Carter, but I can handle this problem myself. I don't need therapy.

Hi, Caitlin.

Hey, sweetie. What a nice surprise.

I just wanted to come see you

to make sure that everything's okay. Why wouldn't it be?

Well, last night when I met you and Charlie at the bar,

it felt like I was interrupting something.

Charlie and I are just friends.

I don't know what it is, but he rubs me the wrong way.

What is that annoying thing he always calls me?

Hey, Tommy tutone! That's it.

By the way, you left my house last night for a couple hours.

Where did you go?

To get milk.

Okay.

Since when is it a crime to have a craving for milk?

It's good for your teeth.

Calcium, tom... have you heard of it?

And you! He is not "Tommy tutone." He is not "Tommy boy."

He is not "tommyknockers."

He's tom, he's my boyfriend, so get used to it. Let's go.

Hey, look at this.

I got everyone new personal pagers.

They're cellphones, pagers,

and personal digital assistants all-in-one.

Ha. It's the latest technology.

So I guess we can get rid of those cb radios

you gave us last year?

That's a big ten-four, good buddy.

So, Paul, are you all set

to do Larry elder's radio talk show this afternoon?

You'll be defending our plan

to assign contracts to minority-owned businesses.

Sir...

You're sending Paul to debate Larry elder?

You know how I want to take down

that egotistical right-winger.

You tend to lose your cool when you deal with this guy.

The last time you saw him, you socked him in the jaw.

It was a celebrity boxing tournament.

He should expect to get hit.

He was a commentator!

So you'll be sticking with Paul?

I think so.

You can't go toe-to-toe with Larry elder.

This is not your area of expertise.

Carter, relax.

As press secretary, I have an arsenal of stock answers

that are available in any situation.

What are you gonna do when he attacks you?

I think my record speaks for itself.

You know how ridiculous that sounds?

I will not dignify that question with a response.

Oh, Paul, stop that.

New York City is the greatest city on earth!

MAYOR WINSTON: Good stuff, Paul!

You know where Caitlin is?

No, I don't.

And if I did, I wouldn't tell you

because I am not the type of person who gossips.

[CHUCKLES]

She's at therapy. [SIGHS]

I'm so weak.

Does this have to do with the kiss?

You bet it does.

Oh! Idiot!

I'm worse than bill in the mailroom,

who knocked up Cathy in accounting... I can't stop.

I can't believe Caitlin's going to therapy.

This is not good for me. Why not?

This may come as a shock,

but I am not a magnet for mentally stable women.

If she works out her issues,

she'll realize that I'm not right for her.

Maybe she'll realize you are right for her.

No licensed therapist has ever said,

"spend more time with Charlie."

If you have feelings for her, why not talk to her?

Well, I tried.

She said she's not interested,

but... I know there's something there.

What are you gonna do? If it was any other woman, I'd just let it go.

But with her, I can't.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

And it goes without saying that this stays between us?

Charlie, please. I'm a vault.

[CLICKS, WHISTLES]

Hey, Cathy, love the oversized sweater.

Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm Caitlin Moore.

This is the first time I've been in therapy,

so I'm a little nervous.

That's understandable.

[SIGHS]

The reason I'm here is I'm having relationship issues.

I've always been confused about men and sex.

Maybe it all stemmed back to the time when I was 9

and I found my mom's vibrator.

I thought it was a magic wand,

so I brought it in to show and tell.

[DOOR OPENS]

Caitlin, I'm Dr. Lewis. I'm ready for you now.

This one's a twice-a-weeker.

I'm Larry elder with the mayor's press secretary

Paul lassiter.

Mr. lassiter, I've always said

that the only way for minorities to get ahead

is to work hard, get an education,

and stop acting like victims.

"I will not dignify that question with a response."

It wasn't a question.

"New York is the greatest city on earth."

Are you getting sound bites off those little cards?

"That is a gross overstatement of the... Facts."

Why don't we take a commercial break?

[MUZAK PLAYS]

I think I got him on the ropes.

Paul, he's killing you,

and he's making our initiative look foolish.

"That is a gross overstatement of..."

stop, stop, stop!

I can't just sit by and let him beat us.

Here's the plan.

I'll feed you the answers through your personal pager.

Hey, Paul, we're back on in a few seconds, man.

Hey, Heywood.

Nice to see you again.

Mr. lassiter, before the break,

I was arguing that the playing field is level

for minorities in this city.

Well, that's ridiculous, because...

[BEEPING] Because...

"Because the average black family earns 40% less

than the average white family."

Ha! That's because your policies create a cycle of dependency.

Now, how do you respond to that?!

How do I respond to that?

[BEEPING] How do I respond to that?

How do I respond to that?!

"Our policies provide an opportunity

for even the neediest citizens."

Typical liberal propaganda designed to perpetuate

the myth that minorities remain eternally disadvantaged.

"How can you say that,

when I can't catch a cab because of the color of my skin?"

What are you talking about?

"I'm talking about the fact that

"minorities get the short end of the stick,

and I should know, because I'm gay!"

You are? That's right!

"I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it."

My whole life, I have waited to meet the perfect guy.

And then I finally do...

tom is smart, successful. He's kind.

He's everything I've ever dreamed of.

So I should be happy, right?

But no. Charlie keeps getting in the way.

Is it possible you want him to get in the way?

No. He's fun, and we have a certain chemistry, but...

sounds to me like you're hiding behind stable relationships

because you're afraid of what you want.

Hey, whatever happened to

"it's not your fault. Here's some Xanax"?

Do you find yourself

obsessing over men who aren't good for you?

Well, now that you mention it,

I do have this recurring dream...

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Oh, sorry. That's probably the mayor.

How does this thing work?

Hello?

Hey, it's Charlie. Where are you?

I'm with my... Hairdresser.

Well, I'm just calling to let you know

the council meeting was moved to 4:00.

I'll be there when I'm done with Dr. Lewis...

doctor of cosmetology.

Bye.

That was Charlie.

Did you tell him you're here talking about him?

No, Charlie has no idea.

The only person I told was Carter,

and he wouldn't tell a soul.

So, you were talking about your dream.

I have this one recurring sexual fantasy.

I'm at work. I'm alone.

It's late in the copy room,

and suddenly, this man comes in.

What do you think attracts you to this scenario?

I guess it's exciting because...

It's dangerous and forbidden.

And then he says in a really seductive voice,

"what are you doing here so late?"

And he gives me this look

like he knows exactly what I want.

I reach for a piece of paper, his hand touches mine...

...and a surge of electricity shoots between us.

[SIGHS] I get lost in his eyes.

Then he says something that no woman could ever resist...

"Caitlin, you're my..."

I'm expecting a call from the head of city council.

Can you cover my phone? No problem.

I'm gonna make some copies.

Charlie, here's the quality of life report

you asked for.

Whatever. Just throw it on my desk.

But it took me eight hours. Aren't you even gonna read it?

Looks great.

Slap my name on it and send it out.

Oh, hey, Charlie.

What are you doing here so late?

It's 3:00.

I've got five after.

It's pretty hot in here.

Oh, Charlie, there you are.

I need to see you in my office asap.

Sir, can it wait?

You two look so nervous.

Oh, wait a minute. I know what's going on in here.

You're all alone,

tucked away in a hot and steamy copy room.

You're stealing paper, aren't you?

Come on, let's go.

Oh, uh, Charlie, you forgot your...

[THUMP]

Great job on the radio, Paul.

Thanks.

I can't believe you're taking credit.

You couldn't have done it without me.

Come on, I'm not gonna replace you

as the voice of the black man here.

Way to keep it real, my brother.

Word.

Oh, Paul,

great job on the show.

Thank you, sir.

In fact, they liked me so much

they invited me back to guest host

their "talking politics" show this afternoon.

That's one of the most respected shows on radio.

Yep. It's only for intellectuals and people who talk good.

I gotta tell you, Paul,

hearing you on the radio yesterday

confirmed what I thought about you.

That I was a great debater?

No, that you love men.

So, you gonna come with me, give me all the answers?

You wanna be the voice of the black man,

you gotta do it alone.

Oh, come on, Carter!

If we don't stick together, how we ever gonna fight "the man"?!

S'up, bitch?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello? Hey, it's me.

I'm gonna be late for our 4:00 meeting.

I'm at the hairdresser's. Weren't you there yesterday?

Yes, but I had some issues...

I mean, some cutting... that didn't get resolved.

I'm hanging up now.

So, doctor, I have to admit I was holding back.

There's this fantasy I have

that drives me even Wilder than the first.

Yes.

I'm alone at my apartment,

and this guy shows up in a tuxedo

with a bottle of cristal.

Now, this is the kind of guy who wouldn't mind

spending $600 on the right champagne.

Ouch.

And he's got a copy of my favorite book with him...

"pride and prejudice."

This man starts to talk to me in Italian.

And there is one thing I cannot resist...

a man who speaks Italian.

Makes me so hot.

Hola, señorita.

That's Spanish... Jerk.

This is Paul lassiter on "talking politics."

No question is too complex.

Go ahead, caller.

Yeah, in regards to overhauling the city's education system,

could you please explain

the benefit of vouchers versus magnet schools?

[IMITATES STATIC] I'm losing you.

I'm going into a tunnel.

I can't answer these questions.

I'm a press secretary. I'm told what to think.

I'm slinging so much crap I can't see straight.

We're still live.

Next caller.

Sir? Yeah.

Are you listening? Paul's in over his head.

'Cause you're not feeding him like yesterday.

What tipped you off?

Paul's high-school story

about not getting the lead in "grease"

'cause he refused to cut his afro.

Sir, you know you should've let me do that show.

So, you're not happy with the way it went?

Oh, no, it went great.

We really put elder in his place, but...

But what?

Those were my words.

They were brilliant.

But sometimes it's not enough

to be the smartest guy in the room.

You know, yesterday your passion was tempered by Paul's voice.

You succeeded as a team.

Remember, everyone here works selflessly

for one common goal...

...making me look great.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Buona séra.

Charlie, what a surprise.

Posso entràre?

I didn't know you spoke Italian.

Hai imparato viaggiando in itàlia?

Passo entràre?

Why are you wearing a tuxedo?

Uh, I was hosting the daytime emmy awards.

"Passions" cleaned up.

What do you have in the bag?

Champagne...

And "pride and prejudice."

Oh, you're reading "pride and prejudice"?

That is so hot.

Really? Oh, yeah.

You know what it makes me wanna do?

What? Introduce you to my aunt's book club.

"Darcy had walked away to another part of the room.

"She followed him with her eyes,

envied everyone to whom he spoke..."

Well, I guess we should call it a night.

Oh, what a great book.

Who's going uptown?

See ya, Caitlin.

You are not going anywhere.

You have a lot of nerve.

How could you take advantage of me like that?

So if you found out my fantasy,

you wouldn't use it to seduce me?

Charlie, I would never dress up like Molly ringwald

in "the breakfast club."

I'm gonna kill Carter.

Why are you doing this?

Because when we kissed the other night,

there was something there.

I guess I figured if I could create another romantic moment,

I could get you to see that.

So you rented a tuxedo, learned Italian,

and bought a $600 bottle of champagne?

Why didn't you just talk to me?

That seems a little extreme.

You are out of your mind.

Maybe, but do you know any other guy

that would do all of this for you?

No.

Admit it, you liked that I showed up here tonight.

Maybe a little.

Well, since I'm dressed like a waiter,

I might as well pour you some champagne.

Guess we shouldn't let it go to waste.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, my God. This is amazing.

I can't believe you spent so much for it.

Well, don't worry. I figured out a way to pay for it.

By the way, are you satisfied with your long-distance plan?

Let me make a toast in Italian.

All you know how to say is "may I come in?"

I learned one more phrase...

A un moménto perfètto con una Donna perfètta.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

TOM: Hey, sweetie, it's me. I'm downstairs. I'll be right up.

Oh, God, it's tom. You gotta get out of here.

God, why do I keep letting this happen?

Maybe it's because you'd rather be with me than him.

Don't do this. What am I doing?

You're not serious about this. It's all a game to you. That's not true.

What if I told you I'm gonna leave tom

and start a relationship with you... a real relationship.

Is that what you want? We're talking about you! What do you want?!

No more games, no more fooling around...

what do you really want?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

That is a very insightful answer, Mr. lassiter.

You are a true policy expert.

What other complex questions can I answer for you, stranger?

I'm wondering... would raising subway token prices

be an effective way of balancing the city's budget?

Well, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

You know, I guess...

Damn it.

[MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

[BARKING]

Moo.