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1
00:00:01,567 --> 00:00:04,135
Let's get right into it,
okay?
2
00:00:04,169 --> 00:00:06,738
The first order
of business is...
3
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:08,773
Hi.
Hi.
4
00:00:09,675 --> 00:00:11,243
Who the hell are you?
5
00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:13,578
Clarice is a reporter
from my hometown paper.
6
00:00:13,613 --> 00:00:15,313
She's doing
a big story on me.
7
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:18,816
Seriously, who are you?
8
00:00:18,851 --> 00:00:21,986
She graduated from willowgrove
high, my Alma mater.
9
00:00:22,020 --> 00:00:25,356
Of course, back then,I wasn't known as Paul lassiter.
10
00:00:25,391 --> 00:00:27,792
People used to call me
the big "L."
11
00:00:27,826 --> 00:00:30,728
In fact, they used to
have a symbol for me.
12
00:00:33,432 --> 00:00:36,468
Around here, we just call him
the big "a."
13
00:00:36,502 --> 00:00:39,203
You know what they called me
in grade school?
14
00:00:39,238 --> 00:00:40,938
"Leaky."
15
00:00:40,973 --> 00:00:42,607
I'm afraid to ask.
16
00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:44,743
Oh, it's not
what you think.
17
00:00:44,777 --> 00:00:46,644
I used to wet my pants.
18
00:00:46,678 --> 00:00:49,347
Okay, people,
first order of business...
19
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:51,015
by "first order
of business,"
20
00:00:51,049 --> 00:00:53,218
Mike is referring
to the first thing
21
00:00:53,252 --> 00:00:55,453
that Mike
is gonna talk about.
22
00:00:55,488 --> 00:00:57,489
The city
has an image problem.
23
00:00:57,523 --> 00:01:00,825
By "the city,"
he means New York city.
24
00:01:06,098 --> 00:01:07,799
As I'm sure you all heard,
25
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:11,169
a woman went into labor
in the middle of Times Square
26
00:01:11,203 --> 00:01:13,504
and no one
stopped to help her.
27
00:01:13,539 --> 00:01:15,940
Maybe nobody noticed her.
28
00:01:15,974 --> 00:01:18,176
She was on the jumbotron.
29
00:01:18,210 --> 00:01:19,878
So to try
to repair the damage,
30
00:01:19,912 --> 00:01:21,746
tomorrow
we're holding a ceremony
31
00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:24,248
to honor five good samaritans
from New York.
32
00:01:24,283 --> 00:01:26,885
I'd like to nominate
my aunt Ida from Wisconsin.
33
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:33,492
Okay, James, there's
two things wrong with that idea.
34
00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:35,293
She lives in Wisconsin?
35
00:01:35,327 --> 00:01:36,328
And?
36
00:01:36,362 --> 00:01:38,263
She killed her husband?
37
00:01:39,698 --> 00:01:42,667
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]
38
00:02:07,326 --> 00:02:10,060
Carter, you want to catch
the game tonight at O'Leary's?
39
00:02:10,095 --> 00:02:12,464
Sorry, Mike,
Alex and I have a date.
40
00:02:12,498 --> 00:02:13,631
Again?
41
00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:16,133
What does that guy have to offer
that I don't?
42
00:02:17,636 --> 00:02:19,871
Besides that.
43
00:02:19,905 --> 00:02:21,940
I'm in love with him.
44
00:02:21,974 --> 00:02:23,541
Yuck.
45
00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:26,177
You don't like Alex.
That's ridiculous.
46
00:02:26,211 --> 00:02:28,813
You called him a pretentious,
name-dropper.
47
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:31,549
Guy can't have a nickname?
48
00:02:31,583 --> 00:02:32,984
Hey, Alex.
49
00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:34,519
Hey, Mike.
50
00:02:34,553 --> 00:02:36,854
Hey, Alex.
51
00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:41,259
So, this is city hall.
This is where it all happens.
52
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:44,195
The nerve center.
Headquarters.
53
00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:46,697
So, you ready to go,
Carter?
54
00:02:46,732 --> 00:02:50,001
Make it quick. I'm writing
this amazing screenplay.
55
00:02:50,035 --> 00:02:52,237
Oh, yeah,
so is my dry cleaner.
56
00:02:52,271 --> 00:02:54,172
You guys should collaborate.
57
00:02:54,206 --> 00:02:57,776
He could have your script ready
by Thursday after 4:00.
58
00:02:57,810 --> 00:02:59,077
Oh, that reminds me,
59
00:02:59,111 --> 00:03:01,179
you want to see that Italian
movie tonight?
60
00:03:01,213 --> 00:03:03,447
Ah, sí, mio amore.
61
00:03:03,482 --> 00:03:06,051
Sí, mio amore.
62
00:03:06,085 --> 00:03:09,054
Mike,
why don't you come with us?
63
00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:10,689
Oh, no, I'll pass.
64
00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:13,158
Oh, come on, Mike!
Why not?
65
00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:16,227
I'm getting checked
for ticks.
66
00:03:17,596 --> 00:03:20,931
And that's
how the candy machine works.
67
00:03:20,966 --> 00:03:22,400
Oh, there's janelle.
68
00:03:22,434 --> 00:03:23,868
She's one of my underlings.
69
00:03:23,902 --> 00:03:26,537
Janelle, have you met
my reporter friend Clarice?
70
00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:29,006
She's doing
a major newspaper story on me.
71
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,275
Oh, is it gonna be
in the "Metro" section
72
00:03:31,309 --> 00:03:33,611
or the "big, dumb,
white guy" section?
73
00:03:33,645 --> 00:03:36,280
[LAUGHING]
That's a good one.
74
00:03:36,314 --> 00:03:38,250
I'm sort of her mentor.
75
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:40,918
James, the good-samaritan dinner
is black tie.
76
00:03:40,953 --> 00:03:42,787
You want me
to rent you a tux?
77
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:44,555
Sure, Stuart,
that'd be great.
78
00:03:44,590 --> 00:03:47,992
Okay. What should I do
about your neck?
79
00:03:50,062 --> 00:03:51,362
What?
80
00:03:51,396 --> 00:03:52,697
Come on, James,
81
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:56,334
we both know you have
an abnormally large neck.
82
00:03:56,368 --> 00:04:00,405
Is there someplace special
you go, a custom tailor?
83
00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:04,942
Maybe
a big-and-fat-neck store?
84
00:04:04,976 --> 00:04:08,112
Do you think that's why
I can't find a girlfriend?
85
00:04:08,146 --> 00:04:10,681
No, that's just because
you're a geek.
86
00:04:12,951 --> 00:04:15,753
Hey, Mike,
are you having better luck
87
00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:18,456
finding good samaritans
than I am?
88
00:04:18,490 --> 00:04:20,991
You know, I thought I had
something here with this guy.
89
00:04:21,026 --> 00:04:22,960
He pulled a woman
from the pool at the "y"
90
00:04:22,994 --> 00:04:24,361
and gave her mouth-to-mouth.
91
00:04:24,396 --> 00:04:25,563
Sounds good.
92
00:04:25,597 --> 00:04:27,031
She wasn't drowning.
93
00:04:28,867 --> 00:04:30,601
Oh, here's a guy.
Look at this.
94
00:04:30,636 --> 00:04:33,137
He took time out
from running a homeless shelter
95
00:04:33,171 --> 00:04:35,873
to donate a kidney
to a woman he didn't even know.
96
00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:37,308
That's perfect.
97
00:04:37,342 --> 00:04:40,244
It says, "he's dedicated
his life to wiping out...
98
00:04:40,278 --> 00:04:42,480
Democracy."
99
00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:46,818
You know, Caitlin,
there's something on my mind,
100
00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:49,687
and normally
I'd talk to Carter about this,
101
00:04:49,721 --> 00:04:53,057
but I can't talk to Carter
because it's about Carter.
102
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:54,926
So I need you to be Carter.
103
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,694
Okay, shoot.
104
00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:59,798
Carter would never say,
"okay, shoot."
105
00:04:59,832 --> 00:05:01,800
That puts me on the spot!
106
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:03,734
He'd say something like,
107
00:05:03,769 --> 00:05:06,904
"is something wrong?
You seem pensive."
108
00:05:06,938 --> 00:05:10,508
Is something wrong?
You seem pensive.
109
00:05:10,542 --> 00:05:12,076
No, I-I'm fine.
110
00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:14,212
Okay, then! See ya.
111
00:05:14,246 --> 00:05:15,380
No, no, come on!
112
00:05:15,414 --> 00:05:17,415
I'm putting up a front!
113
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,384
What kind of Carter
are you?
114
00:05:19,418 --> 00:05:21,586
Five seconds
to tell me what's wrong
115
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:22,620
or I'm out of here.
116
00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,088
Okay, it's this guy...
117
00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:26,691
it's this guy, Alex,
that Carter's seeing.
118
00:05:26,725 --> 00:05:29,027
He rubs me the wrong way,
119
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:30,795
and it's driving me nuts.
120
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,597
Have you
given him a chance?
121
00:05:32,631 --> 00:05:34,065
I don't have to!
122
00:05:34,099 --> 00:05:35,833
He's cocky.
He's a control freak.
123
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:38,703
He always thinks he's
the smartest guy in the room.
124
00:05:38,737 --> 00:05:41,606
Wow, he sounds like
a real Mike.
125
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,609
If you really are a friend,
you'll get to know this guy.
126
00:05:44,643 --> 00:05:46,377
You're right. Thanks.
127
00:05:46,411 --> 00:05:49,647
And you know what?
You're a good Carter.
128
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:51,983
Well, it's just a matter
of getting in touch
129
00:05:52,017 --> 00:05:53,751
with your
inner gay black man.
130
00:05:55,754 --> 00:05:58,422
So, how does Carter
usually wrap these things up?
131
00:05:58,456 --> 00:05:59,957
Oh, he'd just leave.
132
00:06:01,927 --> 00:06:04,228
Actually, first,
he'd take his shirt off.
133
00:06:06,899 --> 00:06:08,699
Or he'd just leave.
134
00:06:13,305 --> 00:06:16,707
Why is James
wearing a scarf?
135
00:06:16,741 --> 00:06:19,410
I'm playing a gag on him.
136
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:21,446
The fat-neck gag?
137
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:22,613
You know it?
138
00:06:22,647 --> 00:06:23,814
Know it?
I love it.
139
00:06:23,849 --> 00:06:25,783
It was a classic
in the service.
140
00:06:25,817 --> 00:06:27,618
Did you get
the child's tie?
141
00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:31,289
Please. Can you do the fat-neck
gag without the child's tie?
142
00:06:31,323 --> 00:06:32,556
[LAUGHS]
143
00:06:32,591 --> 00:06:35,393
Wait, watch this.
I've got a good one.
144
00:06:35,427 --> 00:06:36,561
Hey, James!
145
00:06:36,595 --> 00:06:37,361
Yes, sir?
146
00:06:37,395 --> 00:06:39,730
Your neck is fat!
147
00:06:43,201 --> 00:06:44,869
And this
is the bullpen area.
148
00:06:44,903 --> 00:06:46,737
Now, I do
most of my thinking
149
00:06:46,771 --> 00:06:48,772
back there
in my private office,
150
00:06:48,807 --> 00:06:50,308
but every once in a while,
151
00:06:50,342 --> 00:06:52,977
I like to come out here,
make an appearance.
152
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:54,478
Ah, there's my colleague,
153
00:06:54,513 --> 00:06:57,148
the mayor of New York.
154
00:06:57,182 --> 00:06:59,183
I'm sorry, Paul,
no more interviews today.
155
00:06:59,217 --> 00:07:01,552
Well, actually, sir,
she's here to interview me.
156
00:07:01,586 --> 00:07:04,688
Oh, really?
157
00:07:04,723 --> 00:07:07,926
Ah, well, I'll just leave you
to your interview.
158
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,594
I've got a big,
important thing to do.
159
00:07:12,664 --> 00:07:16,734
Paul, when did you first know
you wanted to get into politics?
160
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,036
Well, actually,
my interest in public service
161
00:07:19,071 --> 00:07:20,404
began at a very young age.
162
00:07:20,438 --> 00:07:22,373
Me too.
163
00:07:25,911 --> 00:07:28,912
Did you need any special
training to do your job?
164
00:07:28,947 --> 00:07:31,916
Actually, I went to the Columbia
school of journalism.
165
00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:34,586
Yale.
166
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:36,988
And what exactly
is your title here?
167
00:07:37,022 --> 00:07:38,656
Mayor.
Press secretary.
168
00:07:38,691 --> 00:07:41,192
Sir, if you're
gonna keep interrupting,
169
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:44,262
you might as well
just do the interview yourself.
170
00:07:44,296 --> 00:07:45,830
You're probably right.
171
00:07:45,864 --> 00:07:46,964
Oh.
172
00:07:46,998 --> 00:07:48,333
Well, okay, just remember
173
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:51,836
that you're gonna be talking
to my entire hometown.
174
00:07:51,870 --> 00:07:55,239
Oh, please, Paul,
we're all on the same team!
175
00:07:55,273 --> 00:07:58,909
So, your honor, how do you like
working with Paul?
176
00:07:58,943 --> 00:08:01,212
Oh, it's a blast!
177
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:14,692
[MEN SPEAKING ITALIAN]
178
00:08:23,101 --> 00:08:24,668
MAN: Roberto, no!
179
00:08:24,702 --> 00:08:27,638
[GASPS]
180
00:08:27,672 --> 00:08:29,173
Isn't this amazing?
181
00:08:29,207 --> 00:08:33,444
Oh, yeah. This is the best
gay Italian love story
182
00:08:33,478 --> 00:08:35,112
I've seen in a while.
183
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,714
You having
a hard time following it, Mike?
184
00:08:37,749 --> 00:08:40,351
Well,
as far as I can tell,
185
00:08:40,385 --> 00:08:44,355
funny-mustache guy
walked his cow across town
186
00:08:44,389 --> 00:08:47,391
and sold it
to baggy-pants guy.
187
00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:50,461
Yeah, but do you understand
what the journey represents?
188
00:08:50,495 --> 00:08:53,831
About three hours
of my life.
189
00:08:53,865 --> 00:08:56,334
Makes you realize
how provincial Hollywood is.
190
00:08:56,368 --> 00:08:59,003
They'd be afraid
to show male nudity like this.
191
00:08:59,037 --> 00:09:01,339
Roberto, no!
192
00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:03,207
Whoa!
193
00:09:03,241 --> 00:09:06,643
Well, that explains
the baggy pants.
194
00:09:06,678 --> 00:09:08,812
[LAUGHING] Holy cow!
195
00:09:14,919 --> 00:09:19,056
Well, that movie was like
watching paint dry,
196
00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:22,326
especially
the paint-drying scene.
197
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:25,529
Mike, what the paint
represented was, uh...
198
00:09:25,563 --> 00:09:27,531
Oh, you're right, it stunk.
199
00:09:27,565 --> 00:09:29,033
Thank you. Grazie.
200
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:31,969
See? I knew the two of you
would get along.
201
00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:33,737
I'm gonna go hit the head.
202
00:09:33,771 --> 00:09:34,972
Ah!
203
00:09:39,077 --> 00:09:42,013
Hey, listen, Alex,
I owe you an apology.
204
00:09:42,047 --> 00:09:45,949
I got a feeling I didn't
really give you a fair chance.
205
00:09:45,984 --> 00:09:47,184
Mike, I understand.
206
00:09:47,219 --> 00:09:49,387
Since Carter and I
have been hanging out,
207
00:09:49,421 --> 00:09:51,922
you probably feel
like you're losing a friend.
208
00:09:51,956 --> 00:09:55,026
But please, I want you
to feel like you're gaining one.
209
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:58,362
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
210
00:09:58,397 --> 00:09:59,863
I'm serious.
211
00:10:07,005 --> 00:10:09,106
I'd like
to get to know you better, Mike.
212
00:10:09,141 --> 00:10:12,309
Okay.
213
00:10:12,344 --> 00:10:15,413
Maybe we can go out sometime,
just the two of us.
214
00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:21,318
Well, y-y-you know,
I don't do anything in twos...
215
00:10:21,353 --> 00:10:23,720
Except have sex.
216
00:10:25,790 --> 00:10:28,893
With... with...
with women.
217
00:10:28,927 --> 00:10:32,529
You seem like
a fun guy, Mike.
218
00:10:32,563 --> 00:10:34,198
You like fun?
219
00:10:34,232 --> 00:10:36,834
Fun... fun... fun...
fun... fun... fun...
220
00:10:36,868 --> 00:10:38,402
fun... fun... fun is fun.
221
00:10:38,436 --> 00:10:41,806
Fun... fun... fun is fine.
Fun... fun... fun is fabulous.
222
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,741
Well, not fabulous.
Uh, we should get Carter.
223
00:10:44,776 --> 00:10:47,111
Hey, Mike, you okay?
224
00:10:47,145 --> 00:10:49,880
Yeah, I'm just...
I'm, um... I'm fine.
225
00:10:49,915 --> 00:10:53,650
It's just, I'm warm with
the hot, uh... uh... uh, heat.
226
00:10:53,685 --> 00:10:59,123
You're a pistol, aren't ya?
227
00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:00,991
I like that.
228
00:11:01,026 --> 00:11:03,393
Bang, bang.
229
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:16,106
Mike! I know you're interviewing
good samaritans today,
230
00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:19,076
and I did something
that puts me in the running.
231
00:11:19,110 --> 00:11:22,680
Rewinding the porn before
you return it doesn't count.
232
00:11:22,714 --> 00:11:25,082
Never mind, then.
233
00:11:25,117 --> 00:11:26,817
Uh, Carter, can I...
234
00:11:26,851 --> 00:11:29,153
can I see you for a second?
235
00:11:29,187 --> 00:11:31,188
Sure, Mike. What's up?
236
00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:32,756
Did you have fun
last night?
237
00:11:32,791 --> 00:11:35,226
Carter, this is gonna
be painful for you to hear,
238
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:37,361
and there's no easy way
for me to say it,
239
00:11:37,396 --> 00:11:39,063
so I'm just
gonna blurt it out.
240
00:11:39,097 --> 00:11:41,232
Your boyfriend
hit on me last night.
241
00:11:41,266 --> 00:11:42,834
[LAUGHING]
242
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:44,768
That's right,
just let it out.
243
00:11:44,803 --> 00:11:47,271
Let it out.
There's no shame in laughing.
244
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:48,639
I'm serious, you know.
245
00:11:48,673 --> 00:11:51,375
We were alone,
and the guy was all over me.
246
00:11:51,409 --> 00:11:54,578
Okay, Mike, okay.
Tell me exactly what happened.
247
00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:56,514
He sat next to me,
248
00:11:56,548 --> 00:12:00,651
and he... he asked me
if I liked fun.
249
00:12:00,685 --> 00:12:01,752
And?
250
00:12:01,786 --> 00:12:04,856
And he called me a pistol.
251
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:05,990
So?
252
00:12:06,024 --> 00:12:07,325
So... s-s-so...
253
00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:10,995
so, he wants
to have fun with my pistol!
254
00:12:11,029 --> 00:12:13,164
[LAUGHS]
255
00:12:13,198 --> 00:12:16,234
Listen, you didn't see
the look in his eye.
256
00:12:16,268 --> 00:12:19,237
I'm telling you,
you put us in a vineyard,
257
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:21,072
you add foreign subtitles,
258
00:12:21,106 --> 00:12:25,075
it's funny-mustache guy and
baggy-pants guy all over again.
259
00:12:25,109 --> 00:12:27,077
Mike,
Alex knows you're straight!
260
00:12:27,111 --> 00:12:28,812
Why would he hit on you?
261
00:12:28,847 --> 00:12:31,448
Why do people
play the lottery, Carter?!
262
00:12:31,483 --> 00:12:35,052
The odds are slim, but they
got to go for the jackpot!
263
00:12:37,122 --> 00:12:38,489
I'm telling you, Carter,
264
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:40,291
he's bad news,
and you better dump him.
265
00:12:40,325 --> 00:12:43,294
Mike, who I date
is no business of yours.
266
00:12:43,328 --> 00:12:45,763
If you have
a problem with Alex,
267
00:12:45,797 --> 00:12:48,599
then you have
a problem with me.
268
00:12:48,633 --> 00:12:49,934
And one more thing,
269
00:12:49,968 --> 00:12:53,738
if Alex were gonna cheat on me,
he could do a lot better.
270
00:12:53,772 --> 00:12:56,040
L-listen, mister...
271
00:12:56,074 --> 00:12:59,610
I drive gay men wild!
272
00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:03,713
And that's off the record.
273
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,421
Well, first of all,
congratulations.
274
00:13:10,455 --> 00:13:13,490
You five are the semifinalists
for the good-samaritan award.
275
00:13:13,525 --> 00:13:16,160
One of you will be named
good samaritan of the year
276
00:13:16,194 --> 00:13:18,129
and receive a check
for $10,000.
277
00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:21,365
Hell-o-o, new boat!
278
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,834
Please! I saved 16 kids!
279
00:13:23,868 --> 00:13:28,939
Ah, you walked by a school
that burst into flames.
280
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,507
You got lucky.
281
00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:33,176
I know, instead of just
giving one of you the award,
282
00:13:33,211 --> 00:13:35,112
why don't we make it
a 5-way tie?
283
00:13:35,146 --> 00:13:38,482
So we each get 10 grand?
284
00:13:38,516 --> 00:13:40,383
No, you'd have to split it.
285
00:13:40,418 --> 00:13:45,388
Screw that! I've devoted my life
to helping the poor.
286
00:13:45,423 --> 00:13:46,724
It's payday!
287
00:13:46,758 --> 00:13:48,592
Look,
let's just shape up here.
288
00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:50,560
Any one of you
could be replaced.
289
00:13:50,595 --> 00:13:52,863
By who?!
290
00:13:52,897 --> 00:13:56,467
I got a guy out here
who rewinds porn.
291
00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:01,071
You wanted
to see me, Mike?
292
00:14:01,106 --> 00:14:03,607
Yeah, it's, uh...
it's about the budget.
293
00:14:03,641 --> 00:14:06,410
I've been, uh,
going over the initial figures,
294
00:14:06,444 --> 00:14:07,945
and I want you to, uh...
295
00:14:07,979 --> 00:14:09,246
Hide behind my desk
296
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,949
while I try to make Alex
come on to me.
297
00:14:14,886 --> 00:14:17,655
Well, if I move
some numbers around,
298
00:14:17,689 --> 00:14:21,692
I might be able to dig up
an extra... you're nuts!
299
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:24,428
It's the only way I can prove
to Carter that I'm right.
300
00:14:24,462 --> 00:14:25,429
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
301
00:14:25,464 --> 00:14:26,763
There he is.
Hide!
302
00:14:30,068 --> 00:14:32,736
Hey, big fella.
303
00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:38,209
Come on in.
304
00:14:38,243 --> 00:14:40,410
Hey, Mike, what's up?
305
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,484
Oh, I'm sorry.
306
00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:49,686
I was just distracted
for a minute.
307
00:14:49,721 --> 00:14:53,157
Have you, uh...
you been working out?
308
00:14:53,191 --> 00:14:54,658
You wanted to talk?
309
00:14:54,692 --> 00:14:56,227
Yeah, sure, sure.
310
00:14:56,261 --> 00:14:57,594
Talk...
311
00:14:57,629 --> 00:14:58,996
Laugh...
312
00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:03,634
You know,
whatever seems... Fun...
313
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,336
You pistol.
314
00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:10,707
Uh, so I went to the Knicks game
last Saturday.
315
00:15:10,742 --> 00:15:12,609
I bet you did.
316
00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:15,413
Boy, that sprewell's
got the sweetest...
317
00:15:15,447 --> 00:15:17,948
Ass.
318
00:15:17,982 --> 00:15:20,184
Well, I was gonna say
"jump shot."
319
00:15:20,218 --> 00:15:22,486
I bet you were.
320
00:15:26,324 --> 00:15:28,858
Oops.
321
00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:39,603
Uh, maybe
I ought to go, huh?
322
00:15:39,637 --> 00:15:40,871
So soon?
323
00:15:40,905 --> 00:15:42,306
Well, call me crazy, Mike,
324
00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:45,242
but I get the impression
that you're hitting on me.
325
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,345
So you want to sleep with me,
is that what you're saying?
326
00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:49,213
No.
327
00:15:49,247 --> 00:15:51,582
Why did you hit on me
last night?
328
00:15:51,616 --> 00:15:56,287
I didn't.
I was just being friendly.
329
00:15:56,321 --> 00:15:57,655
I love Carter.
330
00:15:57,689 --> 00:15:58,823
Oh.
331
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:01,826
Well... That's good.
That's great.
332
00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:06,230
Speaking of Carter,
how about, just for fun,
333
00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:09,433
we never tell him
about this?
334
00:16:12,170 --> 00:16:14,638
Well, I think
I'm starting to see
335
00:16:14,672 --> 00:16:17,241
where our relationship
went wrong.
336
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,979
Mr. mayor, I have to
get this off my chest.
337
00:16:22,013 --> 00:16:24,314
What you did yesterday
made me mad!
338
00:16:24,349 --> 00:16:25,850
I've waited my whole life
339
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:28,285
to show my hometown
that I made good,
340
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,722
but you just couldn't let me
have my moment, could you?
341
00:16:33,525 --> 00:16:37,794
Clarice was here to write
an article about me, not you!
342
00:16:37,828 --> 00:16:39,496
Me Paul lassiter!
343
00:16:39,530 --> 00:16:41,464
Paul, you're right.
344
00:16:41,499 --> 00:16:46,803
What I did yesterday was
insensitive and unprofessional.
345
00:16:46,838 --> 00:16:48,239
I apologize.
346
00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:56,580
Oh.
347
00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:58,615
Okay then.
348
00:17:00,986 --> 00:17:05,689
And that, Clarice...
349
00:17:05,723 --> 00:17:08,992
Is how you handle
a disgruntled employee.
350
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,500
Flaherty.
351
00:17:17,535 --> 00:17:20,037
Mike Flaherty.
352
00:17:22,673 --> 00:17:26,310
Having fun
with your pistol?
353
00:17:26,344 --> 00:17:29,046
So, did you patch things up
with Carter?
354
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,148
No, no,
he's still mad at me,
355
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:33,284
and I can't
really blame him.
356
00:17:33,318 --> 00:17:36,686
I couldn't wait to find
something wrong with Alex.
357
00:17:36,721 --> 00:17:39,323
Maybe you didn't want to believe
it was possible
358
00:17:39,357 --> 00:17:41,825
for someone to find the love
of their life so quickly.
359
00:17:41,859 --> 00:17:43,227
What are you saying?
360
00:17:43,261 --> 00:17:45,829
That because I've never
been able to find true love,
361
00:17:45,863 --> 00:17:47,698
there's
something wrong with me,
362
00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:49,766
and I'm gonna
end up dying alone?
363
00:17:49,801 --> 00:17:51,368
No!
364
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:52,736
Good, 'cause...
365
00:17:52,770 --> 00:17:56,073
That's the furthest thing
from my mind.
366
00:17:56,107 --> 00:17:58,409
You know,
I have to admit,
367
00:17:58,443 --> 00:18:01,478
I'm a little jealous
of Carter myself.
368
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:05,482
Do you think that everyone
has one true soul mate,
369
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:08,752
and that when you see them,
you'll know?
370
00:18:08,786 --> 00:18:10,554
I hope so.
371
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:13,456
Me too.
372
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,597
Oops.
373
00:18:30,575 --> 00:18:32,876
Paul, Paul,
I need your help.
374
00:18:32,910 --> 00:18:37,448
I have to get this tie around
my enormous jabba-the-hutt neck.
375
00:18:37,482 --> 00:18:41,719
No problem. See, you're not
paying for the workmanship.
376
00:18:41,753 --> 00:18:44,588
You're paying
for the word "Taiwan."
377
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:46,823
No matter what I say,
promise not to stop
378
00:18:46,858 --> 00:18:48,726
until the tie
is around my neck.
379
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,328
I promise.
380
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:53,096
Ack...
381
00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:55,299
[CHOKING]
C-changing my mind!
382
00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:58,001
Stop, please!
For the love of God, Paul!
383
00:18:58,035 --> 00:18:59,403
I'm begging you, stop!
384
00:18:59,437 --> 00:19:03,340
Save it, junior. Paul lassiter
is a man of his word!
385
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:04,174
Aaggh!
386
00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:05,842
Hey, Carter.
387
00:19:05,876 --> 00:19:07,677
Uh...
388
00:19:07,712 --> 00:19:10,814
Listen, I just want to tell you
I'm sorry about earlier.
389
00:19:10,848 --> 00:19:13,817
Earlier when you told me
to dump Alex,
390
00:19:13,851 --> 00:19:17,020
or earlier
when you tried to seduce him?
391
00:19:17,054 --> 00:19:19,623
Nikki told you.
392
00:19:19,657 --> 00:19:20,924
No, Alex did.
393
00:19:20,958 --> 00:19:23,427
How does Nikkiknow about it?
394
00:19:23,461 --> 00:19:28,231
Uh, anyway,
the thing is, I'm sorry.
395
00:19:28,266 --> 00:19:31,569
Well, I suppose your heart
was in the right place.
396
00:19:31,603 --> 00:19:32,970
I think I just liked it
397
00:19:33,004 --> 00:19:35,138
when we were both
failures at relationships.
398
00:19:35,173 --> 00:19:36,874
It gave us
something in common.
399
00:19:36,908 --> 00:19:38,408
Now I'm gonna be all alone.
400
00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:40,311
No, we can still hang out!
401
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:43,914
Yeah, but you'll be
all happy and stuff.
402
00:19:43,948 --> 00:19:45,882
No, not all the time!
403
00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:48,084
Alex and I will fight!
I'll be depressed!
404
00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:50,254
You're just saying that
to cheer me up.
405
00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:51,755
I got to tell you, though,
406
00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:54,024
I think this Alex
is a pretty good guy.
407
00:19:54,058 --> 00:19:55,693
Are you sure he's gay,
though?
408
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,462
'Cause I did the whole
pencil drop... nothing.
409
00:19:59,797 --> 00:20:03,133
Mike, the samaritans want
their money in advance,
410
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:06,436
and sister calahan
is demanding unmarked bills.
411
00:20:06,471 --> 00:20:08,338
All right, that's it.
412
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:12,176
Okay, listen,
you are not good samaritans!
413
00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:13,377
You're bad samaritans!
414
00:20:13,411 --> 00:20:14,545
Mike, choking!
415
00:20:14,579 --> 00:20:15,745
James, please.
416
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:18,515
Now get your good-samaritan
asses back in here,
417
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,051
and be the kind of heroes
this city needs.
418
00:20:21,085 --> 00:20:22,186
Aaaaaggghh!
419
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,423
There you go!
420
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:29,326
Thank you! That's it!
Good samaritans!
421
00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:31,829
Good God, man!
422
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:35,198
This is a child's tie!
423
00:20:38,970 --> 00:20:44,007
All right,
who took his wallet?!
424
00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:51,815
And then, in 1989,
I went through...
425
00:20:51,850 --> 00:20:53,250
can we turn on a light?
426
00:20:53,284 --> 00:20:54,652
Shh, shh, shh.
427
00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,320
It's better this way.
428
00:20:56,354 --> 00:20:58,455
As I was saying,
in 1989,
429
00:20:58,489 --> 00:21:01,624
I started working
for congressman shumer,
430
00:21:01,659 --> 00:21:04,928
but even then,
I knew that what I really wanted
431
00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:07,798
was to work
in the mayor's office.
432
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,466
Me too.
433
00:21:12,269 --> 00:21:15,005
Hey, you guys
want to hear a scary story?
434
00:21:17,509 --> 00:21:20,143
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
435
00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:21,344
(BARKING)31036
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