Original subtitles

Hey. I made some notes on that school board meeting.

Try not to go overboard.

[GIGGLING]

Well, thanks.

I didn't think it was that clever, but thanks anyway.

Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm on the phone.

Oh, Stewart? Yeah.

Oh, that's nice.

That is not true.

I never did that.

[GIGGLING]

Is that Stewart?

Yeah.

Lisa, Lisa-- Tell him Beth says--

Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

I'm sorry. He hung up.

Oh, that Stewart.

[GIGGLING]

He's so funny.

That was...Stewart.

Stewart who?

Stewart, Lisa's ex-boyfriend who--

Sarcasm. Cool.

How long do you plan

to keep stringing Stewart along?

I'm not stringing Stewart along.

We are just friends, no matter what kind

of paranoid, jealous fantasy you have conjured up.

Right. Did he or did he not

write and record a song called "Come back, Lisa"?

That was a joke.

What kind of man writes and records a song as a joke?

Weird Al Yankovic.

Right?

"Eat it."

What, did I mishear the question or something?

All I'm saying is

I don't call any of my ex-girlfriends

three times a day.

Maybe that's because you're too busy

talking to your mother.

Maybe that's because I need advice

on how to handle a girlfriend

who can't let go of her ex-boyfriend.

What are they fighting about? We're not fighting.

About Stewart.

Your Stewart?

He's not my Stewart, Matthew.

Dave, you do know

that Lisa and Stewart used to go out?

Thanks, Matthew, that will be all.

What are they fighting about?

Stewart.

I guess Dave's jealous of Stewart.

Who wouldn't be?

Me. Why should I be jealous of Stewart?

Dave, don't worry about it.

You know what they say--

mighty oaks from little acorns grow.

Thanks, Bill.

Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?

Hey, gang, what's the 411?

Uh, Dave's jealous

because Lisa's still stringing Stewart along.

I am not jealous.

I am not stringing Stewart along.

Envy not that which not need be possessed.

Thanks, Bill.

Good fortune, happy lucky big time for you and family.

That one doesn't make a lot of sense,

but it's always stuck with me.

Uh, Mr. James, things are getting

a little bit rocky around here,

rockier than a... rock concert.

What?

What I'm saying is--

I'm on the phone, Matthew. Take three steps back.

1...2...

Whoa.

[♪]

What the hell

is coming through my headphones?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Salsa-- the pulse of the Caribbean.

I too am a fan.

I've been hearing this for the past five minutes, Bill.

Incredibly unprofessional,

but I know how irresistible

that island rhythm can be.

This is the most childish stunt

you've ever pulled.

Au contraire.

Gluing your pencils together

was the most childish stunt I ever pulled,

but I didn't do this one...

or did I?

The world may never know. [DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Can you fix it?

Yeah, I can fix it,

but Bill is just gonna find another way

to screw with your head

unless you, uh, you know, fight fire with fire.

[WHISPERING]]

So...

What, Matthew? What is it?

Matthew, what?

I know what's going on between you and Lisa.

I wanted to let you know I'm here for you.

I appreciate it, Matthew.

I know where you're coming from.

I mean, I'm no stranger to girl troubles.

God, if only I was-- am I right?

Right. Right. Close the door on your way out, please.

You probably hate Stewart.

No. I don't hate Stewart.

He seems like a very nice guy.

Uh-huh. He is, isn't he?

That's probably why you're so jealous...

You're jealous.

Matthew, I am not jealous...jealous...

Dave, come on, you're a regular Big Moose.

What?

Big Moose, Dave. Wake up. The guy in the Archie Comics

who's always beating up the other guys

for talking to his girl, Midge.

Well, you know what?

I'm not about to start taking romantic advice

from a guy who bases his whole life

on Archie comics, all right?

Actually, now you're starting to sound

more like...Reggie.

I'm not in there with you anymore.

Reggie.

Hey. Hi.

Listen, Dave,

I don't want you to get upset.

But Stewart wants to have coffee with me tomorrow.

Why should that upset me?

Well, fine then.

What time are you planning on having coffee?

I don't know. I think 7:00.

7:00. Okay.

Oh, then you're going to miss the assignment meeting.

Oh, really?

Since when do we have the assignment meeting at 7:00?

It's a new policy. Didn't you see the memo?

Beth, you put that in the memo, didn't you?

I am not involved.

That's okay. I can just give your assignments to Matthew.

Did you see that?

Don't you think that he's being totally jealous and paranoid

and maniacally possessive?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Yahtzee!

You know, and he won't even admit that he's jealous.

That is the thing that drives me crazy.

I don't blame you.

If my boyfriend acted like that, I'd go absolutely bitchcakes.

"Bitchcakes"?

I just made that up. You think it's gonna catch on?

Look, why is he being like this?

I don't know. I mean, could it be because

you've been stringing Stewart along

ever since you broke up with him?

I am not stringing Stewart along.

You're stringing him along like a cheap kite,

and you know it.

Stewart's a terrific guy, yes,

but he's also completely self-absorbed,

totally irresponsible,

and, quite frankly,

Dave is much, much...

more compatible for me... lover.

Lover?

How often do you make love with your lover?

Shut up.

And, regardless,

I have no interest

in getting back together with Stewart.

So you're over him,

but you cannot stand the thought

of him getting over you.

No! I've been there.

I still call my prom date

once a month

just to keep him dangling.

yeah, well, that's different,

because Stewart's not in prison.

Just admit it.

When Stewie's around,

you still want to shake your bunnymaker.

I do not, and the word is "moneymaker."

Hello, I know, it's another new one I made up.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go fax my new words around,

see how long it takes them to show up on Melrose Place.

Catch you later, B-cakes.

That's the street version.

Dave, this has gotten completely out-of-hand.

I know, tell me about it.

She talks to Stewart five times a day.

Screw your problem. I'm talking about me.

All right.

What is it?

You found some more coded references to you

in the Unabomber's manifesto?

No. It's Catherine.

Dial my phone extension. Go ahead.

Somehow, she's arranged

for all my calls to be forwarded to this.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

It's that damn salsa station. This has gone too far.

[CONTINUES IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

What was Tito Puente's first group?

La Orquesta del Machito.

La Orquesta del Machito.

[MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[TURNS TELEPHONE OFF]

What are you doing?

We just won $94.

I see I'm going to have to tilt at my own windmills.

Oh, by the way, you are jealous.

I am not.

BETH: Yes, you are, Dave.

Bill. Bill.

What, what, what?

I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with Dave.

So you can fix my phone?

I can fix it.

But Catherine's just going to find another way

to mess with your head--

Unless I glue all her pencils together.

Oh, man, you don't take a Nerf bat to a knife fight.

I've got a few ideas of my own.

Listen, about Stewart.

Yes, Big Moose?

Ah, you've been talking to...

Matthew. Yes, I have.

Dave, if Stewart threatens you that much,

I'll just stop talking to him, okay?

Talk to him. I don't care. Have dinner with him.

I think the three of us should have dinner some time.

Right.

How about 8:30 tonight?

What?

I just talked to Stew. That's when he's free.

Is that okay? You called Stew?

Uh-huh.

And how'd you get his number?

Well, it kind of sticks in your head

when you watch someone dial it 3-- 4000 times.

Okay. But you're not jealous.

No. Just keenly observant.

Oh, my.

Oh, my. Beth, look at this.

Internet?

Yeah.

Inter-not.

Oh, my.

Lisa, check this out.

What is it? More cheesecake shots of Teri Hatcher?

No. Even better.

No thanks.

Oh...

What's that, sweetie?

What's what? Nothing.

Matthew, take your hands off the screen.

No, seriously.

Take your hands off.

I had nothing to do--

Matthew, take your hands off.

I--I didn't call this up.

It was e-mailed to me, so don't blame me.

If you want to blame anyone,

blame "phreakzilla @scopenet.com."

[TYPING]

Joe. Joe!

Catherine. that's not going to help.

[SNICKERING]

Catherine, I had no idea.

I hope this isn't out of line,

but you do have beautiful breasts.

That's not me, you fool.

He put my head on some porn star's body.

Who did?

Bill did this.

"Catherine Duke of WNY-sex."

[SNICKERING]

I tell you, whoever Bill's got

working for him is very good.

Very good.

Joe, get this off there.

Get it off there, okay?

You can't take something off the internet.

What? It's like trying

to take pee out of a swimming pool.

Once it's in there, it's in there.

Okay, let's forget the headphones.

I'm going to set his head on fire.

You don't want to set

the outside of his head on fire.

You want to set the inside.

Come with me. I got a plan.

The camel's back has been broken, my friend.

Bill, look what you've done. My mother gave me this tie.

Look at this.

Don't ever show me a photo like that

in a room where I've mentioned my mother.

She's really done it this time, buster.

She's really torn it.

And what exactly is the problem?

What's the problem? The problem?

The problem is

I don't have one of those!

Well, Bill, neither do I,

but it doesn't bother me.

Every Star Trek geek and internet goon in the country

is looking at this picture of me with that...

One of those.

Everyone's going to know this is a prank,

although, if I didn't know you better...

So that is your real hair color.

Hey, Big Moose.

I'll handle this myself.

What is his problem?

Oh...

Oh, yeah.

[SHUDDER]

You know, a jealous guy wouldn't even be here.

And a stringer-alonger

would not bring her new boyfriend

to meet her old boyfriend.

Right. Exactly.

Lisa. Stewart.

And you must be Dan.

Uh, Dave, actually.

I know. I was just kidding.

As was I.

There we have it. There we have it, indeed.

Why don't you have a seat?

No, please. You go first.

All right.

Well...

There.

Well, this is a little awkward, actually.

Really? Not to me. Why do you say that?

Because you're sitting on my hand.

Of course. There you are.

Sorry. It's okay.

So... what do you think?

Well, um, what can I say?

I'm a little jealous, I guess.

I mean, I'll just come right out and admit that.

Oh, stop it. You are not.

Know who he kind of reminds me of

a little bit?

Who? No. Never mind.

No, no, no, please, who?

He reminds me of Howie.

Howie?

Yeah.

Howie Maxwell?

Where do you get that?

Who's-- who's Howie Maxwell?

I don't know.

You know the way that Howie--

Yeah, but his wasn't-- Yes, it was.

Who's Howie Maxwell?

He was this friend of ours who...

I don't know. How do you explain it?

[LAUGHING] [LAUGHING]

I don't know.

I'll tell you later.

So how long has it been?

Jeez, I don't know-- two months.

Was he disformed, disfigured in some way?

Who?

Howie.

Two months. Wow.

So what's going on with you two?

Do we hear wedding bells?

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

God, no.

I--I mean...

We've never actually discussed it,

but we've only been dating for six months. Right?

You know, if you'll both excuse me,

I actually have to, uh...

Pee.

Oh. Thank you.

Tough night, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Woman troubles.

That obvious, huh?

Hey. I've been there.

It's tough.

You're not kidding.

Can I give you some advice? Sure.

How much do you love her?

Well, quite a bit, actually.

Uh...quite a bit.

Then tell her how you feel.

Well, I think I have.

Well, then tell her what your needs are.

I believe I've done that.

Then the only thing left to do

is to lock her out of the house,

throw all her crap out on the front lawn,

and set her car on fire.

Okay. Uh...

I should probably leave here now.

Thank you very much for...

Thank you very much,

and, uh...

Where-- where's Stewart?

He left.

Oh.

And I don't believe it.

I mean, I really don't believe it.

You don't believe what?

Hello. My name is Alan.

That's terrific, Alan. Maybe later. Thanks.

What is it? What is it?

Well, you were right.

I mean, Stewart just told me

that he wanted us to get back together,

and I really thought that we were friends.

Let me tell you about our dinner specials.

I would love to hear them, Alan, but maybe a little later.

I mean, what do you expect?

I mean, you spend all day gabbing to him on the phone

like a lovesick teenager--

You know, Dave, this is a little painful for me.

I'm sorry. You're right. Come here.

How did you-- how did you break it to him?

I told him I had to think about it.

Ow!

I'm sorry.

What did you say?

Well, he poured his heart out to me.

What did you expect me to do?

For an appetizer, we have--

Buzz off, Alan.

You're actually considering it.

Of course I'm not.

Yes, you are. Where are you going?

I think I just need to be alone right now, all right?

Alan, the lady's ready to order.

I know you probably think I'm overreacting, but--

Our dinner special--

Shut up, Alan. Please, just shut up.

I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell

any of our coworkers about this incident, all right?

Oh, and if you want to talk to me,

I'll be home tonight when you're done here, thanks.

Dave. What?

Sit down. No. Uh-uh.

Sit down!

Okay, is that all out of your system?

I think so, yes.

Good.

Wh--

Alan, I think I'd like to hear about those specials now.

[HUMMING]

What's up, Mr. James?

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

Jimmy, good to see you.

Likewise, Bill. How you doing?

Terrific. And you?

Can't complain. Can't complain.

It's not mine. I swear.

That wasn't me, Jimmy.

It was my head,

but I think it was LaToya's body.

Okay. Fine.

All right. Come on, you two.

Jeez, I don't know.

It's like everybody's going absolutely bitchcakes today.

Okay.

Go.

It's her fault.

He put my picture of me on the internet.

You robbed me of my gender.

Petty theft.

Okay, before this little feud goes any farther--

Too late for that, Jim.

Last night, I tried to use my bank card.

She changed my PIN number.

You changed my PIN Number first.

So you admit it. So she admits it.

Garelli! Get in here.

Your name is Garelli?

So the jig is up?

It would seem so.

It was really quite beautiful.

I, the master, you two, my unwitting pawns

in a game that would destroy you both.

But why?

Five months, three weeks, and two days ago,

you two split a tuna sandwich

you found in the fridge,

a tuna sandwich that belonged to me.

I told you I'd get my revenge. I told you.

Oh, for pity's sake, Joe. We were hungry.

[CHORTLING]

You do know that Bill ate most of the sandwich.

Catherine, Bill, why don't you leave Joe

here with me for a sec?

I'll deal with you later.

No, you won't.

You're right. I won't.

Pretty elaborate revenge for a tuna sandwich,

don't you think, Joe?

Yeah, well, I'm an electrician at a radio station.

I've got a lot of free time to kill, you know?

Oh, yeah?

Kind of risky to admit

in front of your boss, isn't it?

Not really, because

I know your PIN number too, Mr. James.

You know, I'm starting to feel a little tired.

I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off.

Joe...

5479.

3825.

How do you, uh, how do you know mine?

I own a lot of banks, Joe.

I find these things out.

By the way, how's that illegal cable box

working out for you?

Think I'll get back to work now, sir.

That's my boy.

That sucks.

You'll be happy to know

that I had a long talk with Stewart last night,

and I explained to him why we'd never work out.

Good. Good.

I mean, obviously, not good, but, uh...

Well, too bad for Stewart,

but good for you. Good. Good, good, good, good.

How long?

How long what?

How long did you guys talk?

What is the matter with you?

Nothing. I can understand it might take a while,

because I hear Stewart's a lot of laughs.

You are unbelievable.

You do not trust me at all.

You're incapable of trusting another human being.

Granted.

How long did you talk?

Oh, God.

I don't know--3:30.

5:37 exactly is when he left your apartment.

You staked out my apartment?

No, I didn't stake out your apartment.

I just happened to be outside at 5:37 exactly.

You're insane. And you're lying.

Yeah, and you're stringing Stewart along,

and you're a liar.

Oh, that's it.

Forget it. We are through.

Great. Good.

Good. Terrific.

Look, maybe we should talk about this later.

All right.

I'll be out here working.

Okay. So if Stewart comes by

looking to get some,

I'll direct him to your desk.

You're dumped.

No, no. You're dumped.

You are dumped.

No, you are dumped. You are.

You're--oh, she's dumped.

Oh, I think we're a little beyond a farewell--

I'm not coming on to you, Dave.

This is your stupid shirt.

I'm giving it back to you, you idiot.

I didn't say anything.

You were thinking it.

Fair enough.

[♪]