Original subtitles

BETH: Lisa, you're not going to believe this.

LISA: Well?

Guess.

Yes?

Yes!

I feel like I'm in a home pregnancy test

commercial.

Tell him, tell him. Okay, all right.

Dave, I think you'd better sit down for this.

Oh. Thank you.

Okay, it all started

when I got this really great idea for this hat.

Hey, I think that's how Abe Lincoln got started.

That's cool. You know what?

Anyway, I went ahead and I made a prototype of the hat, right,

and showed it to this guy at Loehmann's,

and he wants 5000 of them.

Show him the hat. Show him.

Okay, all right. Okay, don't look, okay?

All right.

Okay, hang on, hang on.

Are you guys ready?

Ta-dah!

Ta-dah!

Dave, this is just like the hat that guy wore

on Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

Mushmouth.

No. Actually, it was Donald.

No, no. Donald is the one that wore the little beanie.

No, no. Mushmouth wore the red beanie with the--

Okay, now I feel like I'm in a Quentin Tarantino film,

and I want out.

Exactly, Dave.

This is a '70s pop culture reference.

It will sell by the truckload.

People from my generation aren't very smart.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you're right, Donald was the one

who wore the hat and talked funny.

Uh-huh. Anyway, this guy

wants 5000 of them in three weeks.

That is one hat every 6.04 minutes.

Wow. It never ceases to amaze me when you do that math thing.

Hey, square root of 137.

Oh, 11.046.

Nice. Thank you.

Nine to the power of 10?

Thank you, Lisa. You know what?

I think-- Yeah. I think I hear bearded lady and lobster boy

calling you back to the midway.

Okay, fine.

At least I'm not dressed like a trapeze artist.

You know what, Dave?

Today, I'm just Beth the secretary.

Tomorrow, I will be the president and CEO

of Hats by Beth, Incorporated.

Which reminds me, I should get the stationery printed up.

That isn't how you start up a new business.

I mean, do you have a business plan?

Well, no, but I've got hustle, Dave.

Doesn't that count for anything?

Sure, on 42nd Street.

I just don't know that the market is clamoring

for a Mushmouth hat.

First of all, Dave,

we're not going to be selling them at markets,

and second of all, it's a Donald hat.

Where's the Mushmouth hat?

It's a Donald hat.

Joe's right behind me.

I want to play a quick trick on him.

The eye holes go in the front.

You have to turn it around.

Oh, wait. Oh, hey.

IMITATING FAT ALBERT: Hey, hey, hey! It's Fat Albert!

I said, my name is Fat Albert!

Joe?

That's very funny, Matthew.

Now, why don't you do a little Amos 'n Andy for me, huh?

IMITATING AMOS 'N ANDY: I say, I say, Kingfisher...

Matthew.

Yeah?

You know what I have to do, don't you?

Yes I do. Go ahead.

[♪]

Hey. Hi.

How you doing? Good.

Um, but actually, I wanted to talk business.

Great. Let's talk.

Okay. I want a raise.

Okay. All right, all right.

Look, we have to be very careful about this sort of thing.

All right, we have to keep a very strict separation

of Lisa the employee and Lisa the girlfriend,

all right?

All right? All right.

Would you like me to send Lisa the girlfriend out

and have her bring Lisa the employee in?

Yes. I think that would be a very good way to handle this.

Okay.

Hi, Dave.

Hey, Lisa. What's on your mind?

I'd like a raise. No.

That was mean.

I know. Dave the boss can be such a jerk.

It's always the budget with him.

But Dave the boyfriend is all about love.

What about Dave the doofus

that talks about himself in the third person?

Tell you what. I'll have a word with Dave the boss,

but his hands are tied.

Oh. You know, I was thinking about trying that

with Dave the boyfriend sometime.

Oh, really? Yeah.

But now I'm starting to think

that Dave the boss and Dave the boyfriend

might make a better couple.

Well, they have had their tender moments.

All right, listen up, everyone.

I've got a little problem.

My girlfriend's coming up to the office.

You don't have a girlfriend.

Yes, I do. Anyway, she's coming up to the office--

Since when?

Almost two weeks now!

You didn't tell me.

Got to tell Joe.

Well, look, she'll be here around lunch,

and I need you all to... You know, play along.

What do you mean, "play along"?

You know, just follow my lead.

Follow your lead how?

Look, she thinks I'm British, okay?

What?

Why does she think you're British?

It was at this party.

She overheard me talking about radio.

She thought I was saying, "righty-o."

She asked me if I was British, and I said,

"Does a vicar eat mutton?"

Well, Bill, honey,

why didn't you just correct yourself?

Because I didn't want to look like an idiot.

Oh, and now two weeks have gone by!

And it has been the happiest fortnight of my life...

Except for all the Benny Hill tapes

I've had to watch to keep my accent up.

Well, hasn't she ever heard you on the radio?

I told her I fake an American accent

when I broadcast. Aww!

Look, this is embarrassing. Help me out!

I'm not helping you with nothing.

You didn't tell me about her. Joe!

Well, I know in England they use pounds, not dollars.

Oh, thanks, Matthew.

They call an elevator a lift.

Silly people, aren't they?

And they call a flashlight a torch.

Yeah, and what do they call a torch?

You see, sir,

it's based on a TV show from the '70s, which has--

Please, Beth.

I'm not an idiot.

I know a Mushmouth hat when I see one.

IMITATING MUSHMOUTH: How-ba-you-ba-do-ba, Fat Albert-a?

It's actually a Donald hat.

Well, apparently, you didn't see the episode

where Mushmouth stole Donald's hat.

Taught us all a lesson

about respecting each other's property.

Anyways, sir,

I have a meeting with this guy from the garment industry today

about manufacturing the hat.

Okay, so apparently, you're telling me

you need a crash course in the forbidden secrets

of the lost art of negotiation.

Exactly. All right.

Do you mind if I sit in, sir?

No. That's fine, but--

Here, have a seat.

We're liable to go through the looking glass on this one,

people,

and I want you all to promise me

that you will use this information

only for good.

Never for evil.

Scout's honor. I promise.

Great. Do you have a pencil, sir, so I can--

No.

The art of negotiation dates back to the days

when man was a hunter, a gatherer...

Marauding bands of nomads frequently, uh...

Frequently raided the, uh, primitive tribes

of the weaker people.

Okay.

You're meeting with the hat guy. Right.

All right, you tell him you want X number of units

for Y dollars by date Z,

and then you...

Then I burst into tears

and cry like a baby till I get what I want?

No.

Are you sure?

Because that always used to work with my father.

No, no, no.

All right, here's what you do.

What you do is you say nothing.

That's right. You just stare at the guy.

You let him say something.

Force him to make the next move.

Okay, so I make my demand and then I stare.

That's right. You stare like this.

Okay, you're creeping me out.

You know what? I can't do this.

I'm not good at stare contests.

Here's, uh, here's the secret.

That's my h--

You don't actually look them in the eyes.

You stare at the center of his forehead.

He'll never know the difference.

Wow. That's cool, sir.

Yes, it is, which leads me directly to the--

Sir, could you just... I'm sorry.

Leads me directly to the second secret,

which is never do business with a cyclops.

A little secret of negotiation humor,

as it were.

Where you going, Lisa? I'll be right back.

Hey. Hey.

I'm going to have to see that Molinari piece

before it goes to air, okay?

Uh, yeah. You read that yesterday.

But as long as we're having a business discussion...

Yes?

I want a raise.

I told you, I can't do it.

I mean, I'll look at the budget if you want,

but I really don't think--

Is there something on my forehead?

No.

Well, then, why are you staring at it like that?

I'm not.

Are you sure? Did I get it?

Was it ink?

No, Dave. There's nothing there. I promise.

Now, about that raise...

I've got to go wash my face.

Okay, go on, go on. Secret number two.

All right, all right. Secret number two.

The secret of negotiating, number two.

Always answer a question with a question.

You know, whatever that guy says,

you turn it around on him. Okay? Is that clear?

Why would you want to do that?

Well, because-- Hey!

Excellent.

Boy, she's a quick one, isn't she?

Who's a quick one?

Beth.

Well, yeah. I know.

I was just doing that thing.

I was answering a question with a question.

Yeah, I guess. Anyway--

High five. That was great.

That's secret number two.

What are you guys doing in there?

What does it look like we're doing in there?

What?

What what?

Is this about the raise?

Is what about the raise?

Why are you answering every question with a question?

Why not?

You got me stumped. Congratulations.

Thank you.

I mean, I just have to tell her the truth, right?

Yeah, but if she likes me, she likes me for who I am,

not for where I'm from or what I--

BRITISH ACCENT: Hello, lovey.

This is Catherine.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

And my mate, Joe.

Hey. How are you doing? Hello.

Here's old Matthew,

a stand-up bloke if there ever was one.

BRITISH ACCENT: Howdy do, guv'nor?

What's all this, then?

My name's Matthew.

Cheers.

Hey, Linda.

Would you like to get a cup of coffee?

Right! Throw another shrimp on the barbie

for the wee lassie!

What the hell are you doing?

You said we're all supposed to pretend we're British.

No. We're supposed to pretend I'm British.

Cut it out!

It's a little late for that, isn't it, Bill?

BRITISH ACCENT: So, Linda,

how long have you and Lord Mac of Neal

been shagging?

Uh, uh, Joe, don't you and Matthew have something

you have to take care of?

CUBAN ACCENT: Hey, you hungry, man?

Let's go get something to eat.

Some enchilada, chimichanga... Come on.

Why are you talking like that?

I mean, uh...

[SPEAKS SPANISH USING BRITISH ACCENT]

...old chap.

Joe, please?

Come on, man.

Right, right. Pip pip, then. Cheerio.

Say goodbye to the bad guy.

I've never seen those people before in my life.

If you really care about this Linda,

you've got to tell her you're not British

as soon as possible.

What if she gets mad?

Well, you'll just have to deal with that.

What are you afraid of?

That she'll never want to see me again.

Linda's a very special woman, Dave.

How so?

She's the first woman I've ever been with

who knows the real me.

She thinks you're English.

Come on. Haven't you ever lied to Lisa?

No. Never?

Never.

Never?

Never. Okay, there was one time.

When we first went out,

Lisa said her favorite movie

was Persona by Ingmar Bergman,

and I told her it was mine too.

What is your favorite movie?

Logan's Run.

Good flick.

Isn't it? Yeah.

I think that's some of Farrah Fawcett's finest work.

I agree.

You know, Bill, I think deep down

you really want to tell her the truth.

How can you tell?

Well, it's like that scene in Logan's Run where the guy--

You're right. I'll tell her.

I can't believe I'm making moral choices

based on a B movie.

Excuse me?

Well, welcome to Squaresville. Population: one.

Mr. James said I had to dress more conservatively

for my business meeting.

Uh-huh. So you got a whole new wardrobe?

No, actually, I borrowed them from a friend.

Mm-hmm?

Okay, you can have the raise,

but you got to promise to dress like that every day.

It's not funny, Dave.

Do you have a shirt I can borrow?

I'd trade clothes with you,

but I don't know if I can get into that skirt.

If you don't give me a shirt right now,

you are never getting into this skirt again.

Okay, you know what?

Just... Let's forget the raise.

Can you just please give me an advance on my salary?

How much? $3200.

What for?

That's not relevant.

Yeah, but $3200? What do you need all that money for?

Because I just-- I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, God. I get it.

You're going to sell your body for crack, aren't you?

Beth, I don't know how you do this every day.

I feel naked.

I know. Isn't it great?

Beth!

Beth, come on, let's go.

Negotiation secret number seven:

the early bird...

Gets the worm.

No. Gets the other bird's throat ripped out faster.

So you're going too, sir?

Yeah, just for moral support.

I'm not going to say a word.

Now, Beth, remember, when the going gets tough...

The tough get going?

Hey, that's great.

I've got to remember that. Come on.

Hello? Oh, hi.

[GREETINGS IN ITALIAN]

I have a 4:40 appointment with Don Green.

Well, thank you. Thank you so much.

Don Green. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Beth...

Yes?

You didn't tell me it was Don Green.

Why? Is that a problem?

Yeah, it could be a problem.

Don Green... Don Green is-- I don't know how to put this.

Don Green is a little out of your league, all right?

So why don't you let me handle the negotiations?

Why would I let you handle the negotiations?

Beth, don't do this to me.

Why wouldn't I do this?

Beth... I feel ready.

Good afternoon, Miss, uh...

Oh, hi. Just Beth.

Who's this?

Oh, hello, Mr. Green.

Am I talking to you or listening to him?

Oh, yeah, that was con-- I'm sorry.

Excuse us for a second.

Just sit quietly, Mr. James.

So, uh, what are we talking about here?

We're talking about making hats here, sir.

I'm new at this.

You know it and I know it,

but I am not going to be jerked around.

JIMMY: You know what?

I think this was some sort of mix-up here, really.

Something wrong with my forehead?

Joey, a little tissue here.

What's the specifics here?

What do you think the specifics are?

Why don't you tell me?

Why don't I?

Look, I don't have time for games.

What are we talking about here?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

...Mushmouth...

Weird Harold?

...Donald!

It's a Donald hat. There you go.

What do you want from me?

What do you want me to want from you?

Look, you come in here,

you stare at my forehead,

you answer my questions with questions...

and quite honestly, your negotiating style

leaves a lot to be desired.

I don't have time for this. I'm a busy man.

[SOBBING AND BABBLING]

Beth...

Oh, please don't cry.

No, no, no, please don't cry.

It's all right.

It's all right. Don't worry.

Give her a Kleenex here. Take care of her.

Oh, thank you.

Whatever you want, we'll make it work.

This is my dream.

My mother loved hats.

Whatever you want.

Hey, how'd it go?

Great. He tried to play a little hardball.

But he was not in my league. I beat him down.

Hey. Congratulations. Thank you.

Give me back my clothes.

Later. Lisa, please, please.

I want to ask Beth something, okay? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Beth, I've got a meeting

with the Lockheed people later today.

You think you could you teach me that crying thing?

For a hundred big ones, sir.

Fifty. Ninety.

Seventy-five.

[SOBBING AND BABBLING]

Okay, 100, 100.

Okay, great. All right.

Okay, listen.

Now, what's the saddest movie you've seen?

Wall Street, where that guy loses all the money.

Okay, Dave. No more tricks. No more negotiations.

Could you just please give me the money?

$3200 bucks, huh? Yes.

What's it for? I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on. Is it plastic surgery?

No. Of course not.

And what would I need plastic surgery on?

It was just a guess. My chin?

Yes, you think my chin is too pointy. Don't lie.

Okay, come on. You can have the money, you can have the money,

all right?

Thank you.

No problem, and you don't have to tell me what it's for.

All right? Well, thank you.

I understand if you don't feel

this is something you can share with me.

Well, thank you.

And I thought we'd sort of developed a level of trust,

but I guess we haven't.

I don't know.

Maybe I've just, in my head,

exaggerated the whole meaning of our relationship.

This is so unfair.

I know, but it's kind of fun.

And come on, my back's against the wall.

I've got to use every card I've got.

Okay, fine. Fine.

My ex-boyfriend Stewart...

Uh-huh.

He's in a band,

and the band needs to borrow some money

to record a song, and this will be it.

This will sever all ties for good.

That's not so bad.

No.

Thank you.

What's the song?

What?

The song they're recording. What is it?

Oh, I-- I'm not sure. I don't know.

Well, what's it called?

"Come Back, Lisa."

What?

"Come Back, Lisa."

Huh. Okay.

Okay. Well, thank you.

Would you mind singing a bit?

What?

Would you mind just singing a little bit of the song?

No, I'm not going to singing it.

Just sing a little bit for me. Please? No. I'm not--

Just sing a little bit. I can cancel the check.

I hate you.

All right, it--

♪ Come back, Lisa ♪

♪ You little love killer ♪

♪ Come back, Lisa Lisa Miller ♪

You're just doing this to humiliate me.

Yes. Continue.

All right. Never mind.

It doesn't mean anything. It's just a song.

I'm trying to be jealous,

but it's just so damn silly.

Well, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for rubbing it in as much as humanly possible.

Don't worry about it. My ex-girlfriend?

In a jug band.

Come back, Lisa.

What?

I'm sorry. I was just singing. It's very catchy.

BRITISH ACCENT: Listen, Linda.

There's something I must tell you,

something that might come as a bit of a shock to you.

Really?

Me too.

Oh?

I think I'm falling in love with you, Bill McNeal.

So, what's your news?

Mum and Dad are in town,

and I'd love you to join us for dinner at Le Cirque.

I'll fetch my coat.

Bill, I thought you were going to tell her.

I have bigger things to worry about now. Like what?

Like finding two elderly British people

who haven't had dinner yet!

[♪]