Original subtitles

As the presidential campaign heats up,

Lisa will be coordinating all of our coverage.

Mm-hmm, and I'll have a tentative schedule

written up for everyone by the end of today.

Commissioner Bratton pretaped an interview.

You'll be in charge of editing that as well.

Got it. Okay, great.

And possible garbage-workers strike coming up.

That could be a big story.

I'm on top of that.

And the New Hampshire primary. We'll need a reporter up there.

I wonder who that will be.

I'm sure Dave will pick

the reporter who'll do the best job...

Thank you, Bill.

In the sack with him.

Knock it off, guys.

There's absolutely no favoritism at play here.

Then obviously there's something

she's not doing right.

No. She does everything just fine, thank you,

although that's not the point.

That's not the point at all.

Especially because Matthew will be covering New Hampshire.

[NO AUDIO]

[NO AUDIO]

Two words, sounds like...

Oh, I give up.

Can't we just play Pictionary?

Can we, Dave?

Moving along,

a reporter from The Wall Street Journal

will be here today doing a story on Bill.

Whatever for?

Just a little piece on how radio news

is the last bastion of sophistication

in modern broadcasting.

Ha-ha!

I tried to blow a bubble inside of a bubble

and almost swallowed my tongue.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Which brings me to my next point.

Let's please be on our best behavior today, people.

Okay, Bill.

I'd like this article to reflect

that we are the heirs

to Edward R. Murrow's great legacy,

not the morning zoo on K-CRAP

with Boogerman and the gang.

Who's Edward Armurrow?

Well, I'm done here.

Anyone else have anything they want to bring up?

Oh, um, I do.

Sorry to spring this on everyone so suddenly,

but this is my last day.

Oh.

I got a really great offer

from an FM station in Connecticut.

So... what can I say? I'm going to miss you guys.

I think I speak for everyone when I say you shall be missed.

Oh, thanks, Bill.

Your warmth, your humor, and your professionalism

have made all of our loads a little lighter

from time to time,

and, well, good luck to you, my friend.

Thanks, Bill.

Well, goodbye, everyone.

Bye. So long, now.

Who the hell was that?

I have no idea.

Sorry, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Ohh!

[♪]

I thought we agreed

that I was going to New Hampshire to cover--

I know you were kind of expecting that assignment.

I was expecting it? You bought me mittens.

You heard them out there.

I can't have people

thinking I make decisions based on favoritism.

I deserve this more than Matthew.

Look, I am not going to be harangued

into rescinding this directive, all right?

But you can keep the mittens.

Well, thank you.

Now when I strangle you, I won't leave any prints.

She's really mad, isn't she?

What have I told you about eavesdropping?

I wasn't eavesdropping, Dave.

She kicked a chair when she walked out, okay?

Geez, give me some credit.

All right, I'm sorry.

Listen, can I have the mittens if Lisa doesn't want them?

Yes, no... maybe? Sure.

You know that guy that quit this morning?

Uh... no, do you?

No. All right.

You remember the guy who quit this morning?

Well, there's not much to remember about him, Dave,

considering I didn't even know him.

You know his desk?

I don't know him. How will I know his desk?

Okay. The guy who quit this morning,

his desk needs to be cleaned out by you for me.

Speak not to me as if a child I am, okay, Yoda?

Bill, Bill, check it out! Check it out!

Jimmy, this is Scott Barker

from The Wall Street Journal.

No comment.

Bill, you got a second?

Actually, which way is the men's room?

Hey, what did I say? No comment!

Right down that way.

Okay, ready to get your mind blown?

Dave! Dave, come here.

Hey, Cathy!

Hey, Jimmy.

Sweetheart, could you help me?

Dave just asked a question. Kind of stumped us all,

and I was wondering if you could help us out.

Sure, sweetie. What is it?

Good, good.

We were wondering what the Pacific ocean was made of.

Well...

Water.

April fool!

Ha-ha!

I've never been so completely and totally--

There's a brand-new outfit

waiting for you in the ladies' room.

Versace?

Ungaro.

We'll talk later.

Man, oh, Manischewitz, do I love April Fools' Day!

Ha ha ha!

Correct me if I'm wrong, sir,

but isn't it February?

Yeah, yeah, but if I waited till April,

I'd lose the element of surprise.

Man, that was great.

It was just like that kid show on Nickelodeon.

What show, Matthew?

Show where when every time somebody says "water,"

water comes down on them.

I thought that was green slime.

Dave, Dave, Dave,

you only got the green slime if you said, "I don't know."

If you say what?

I don't know.

April fool!

Man, ain't that a kick in the butt?

Ha ha ha!

Jimmy, this is a bad day for April Fools.

Why's that, Bill?

That's because of the reporter.

I don't want him to get the wrong impression.

Oh, that's right. I forgot about that.

If you could postpone this for a few days,

it'd mean something to me.

Sure, Bill, I gotcha, I gotcha.

I'll postpone it to a more propitious time.

Thank you. That's great.

I'm lying. April fool!

I got you!

Ooh, Lord, do I love that crazy, mixed-up day!

Welcome, my friends, to the show that never ends.

That was our station owner.

Very committed to broadcasting excellence.

Good man.

You think I could get a few words with him?

That wouldn't be possible.

He has Tourette's syndrome--

constant barrage of obscenities.

Anyhoo...

Before we get started, I'm a little thirsty.

Is there some place I could get a drink of water?

Right this way.

Finish cleaning out that guy's desk yet?

That guy's name happens to be Brian, okay?

So just lay off him.

Did I miss something?

Yes, you did, Dave.

I found this in his desk.

Oh, and this is...

It's a rose.

Technically, I think it's just a stem.

There's a card too. Look.

Uh-huh. Let me see that.

"For Beth.

"I hope I get the courage to give this to you.

"Love, Brian.

P.S. If I did give this to you, disregard above."

He worked here for years

and never got the courage up to speak to me.

Aw, that's... that's kind of creepy, actually.

You know what, I thought it was creepy too,

until I found this.

He had a copy of my favorite book

in the top drawer of his desk,

and the passages that he underlined are my favorite parts.

Mm-hmm.

The Firm?

It's better than the movie.

It'd have to be, wouldn't it?

Dave, please explain these.

Are they yours?

No.

Oh, my God. You've got me convinced.

Dave, they were obviously meant to be a gift for me.

Could you please look up Brian's number?

You're actually going to call this guy?

It's not like I have a choice, Dave. It's destiny.

I'll get you the number when I have a chance,

but before you start picking out baby names,

have you thought that just maybe

this might be one of Mr. James'

February/April Fools' pranks?

Oh, my God.

Ohh...

And I thought...

what a cruel-- wait a minute.

But then again...

I sense you have mixed emotions about this.

What makes you think that--

Okay. Wait a second. I get it.

You...

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Mr. James, did you put this in that guy's desk

to make me think he had a crush on me?

No, I did not put an old stick or anything else in your desk

to make you think anything.

Do you swear it? I swear.

You swear on your tax returns?

Pick something else.

Do you swear on your list

of 21 potential wife candidates?

It's down to 20, now that I've found out

that sweet girl from Saved By the Bell,

she did a dirty movie.

Okay, well, then do you swear on that?

Yeah. I'll tell you what,

I'll go you one better.

I swear on my vow

never to buy a company with my own money, how's that?

Okay. Thank you very much, Mr. James.

Uh, Joseph. Joe.

What's up?

I wanted to ask you

if you might enjoy a salted nut.

Trying to get on the April Fools' action?

I open it,

snake flies out, pops me in the head?

No. Nuts. They're nuts. They...

Okay. Yeah. How'd you know?

Just good guess. You ought to be careful.

Sometimes they mess up and put real can of nuts,

you know, in with the joke can.

No, really?

Yeah. It happens. Man, you got to double-check.

I always check myself.

Yeah...

Cool. I got one of the good ones.

Dave, it doesn't matter what people think.

Well, it does to me.

I think that's part of being a good manager.

What if everybody thought you should jump off a bridge,

would you do that?

If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge,

they'd get together and push me.

You do remember

that we're talking about Matthew here.

Now, that is unfair.

Matthew is perfectly competent to do the job.

Oh! So now Matthew is more competent than I am?

I didn't say he was more competent.

I think his talents and abilities

have been undervalued,

and I think it's time

he had a chance to prove himself around here.

Did you see that thing hit me right in the face?

What an idiot. Did you see that?

At any rate, I didn't say "more competent."

What?

I'll never forget what Dan Rather

once told me.

He said, "Bill, would you--"

Hey, Bill, I thought you might care

for a salted nut.

No, thank you, Matthew.

How about you, dear sir? Salted nut?

Don't mind if I do.

I'm terribly sorry.

My father-- rest his soul--

died of a...

nut overdose.

I'm sorry.

Don't be. He knew what he was getting into

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, Dan Rather once told me,

"Bill, we're journalists..."

Ohh!

Look, Beth, just because

the weird guy had a crush on you,

he's still weird.

You don't understand.

I think we were meant for each other.

You never even met the freak.

What about this?

A ticket stub from Hard to Kill?

We both went through our Steven Seagal phases at the exact same time.

Steven Seagal!

That fat fraud's a disgrace to the martial arts.

We know that now,

back then, we were just crazy kids.

Honey, he may not be as perfect as you imagine.

You know what?

You don't know him like I do, all right?

Look what I found in the bottom drawer of his desk.

Cigarettes.

You don't smoke. Beth...

I know. I was pretty mad at him for a while too,

but then I found this.

Gum.

He's trying to quit...

For me.

Beth, honey, why don't you pack a few things,

and I'll walk you to Bellevue after work?

Why are you trying to tear us apart?

The guy's a freak

just for keeping so much crap in his desk.

I know, I know.

I've got to talk to him about being neater, and I will.

But you know what?

I'm sloppy too.

Two sloppy peas in a pod.

Do you have a minute?

Okay, we can settle this New Hampshire thing right now.

Matthew!

Fairly and objectively.

Look, if you're hungry, I have to be honest with you,

there's no nuts in here. It's a joke can.

Okay, I have asked Catherine

to write out some questions about New Hampshire,

and I'm presenting them to you in this sealed envelope.

Oh, this is--

Oh, and we're going to play a little game show thing.

That's cool. All right.

Well, then...

Lisa, I understand you're a newswoman from New York

whose interests include woodworking and jazzercise.

Okay, okay, okay. Really?

All right.

Name the top six Republican candidates.

Bob Dole, Pat Buchanan--

[IMITATES BUZZER]

Sorry. Matthew did buzz in first.

Bob, Pat, Steve, Lamar, Phil, and Dick, David.

Correct. I assume we can take first names,

so Matthew pulls out to an early lead.

All right. Now, next question--

which candidate was endorsed by the Manchester Union Leader?

Pat Buchanan.

An editorial written by whom?

What kind of question is that?

[IMITATES BUZZER]

Yes, Matthew?

That'd be Nackey Loeb, the editor of the paper.

Correct.

Matthew increases his lead.

Lisa, what is Dole's lead over Steve Forbes

in the latest poll?

35% to 20%.

[IMITATES BUZZER]

David, I'd like to challenge.

Oh, for God's sakes! What?

Go ahead.

Well, she's talking about the most recent Gallup poll,

but Dartmouth College did a poll for WMUR-TV Concord yesterday

that came back 37 to 19.

Yes, well, I'm sure

the question is referring to the Gallup poll, Matthew.

Judges?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Ooh, sorry. Dartmouth. We were looking for Dartmouth.

Dartmouth!

Catherine fed you these questions, didn't she?

No.

Well, how do you know so much about New Hampshire?

It just so happens I have a lot of relatives who live there,

and they're always calling me to talk

because they're shut-ins.

Final question.

What is the Concord Coalition?

It's a coalition...

of voters...

[IMITATING CLOCK TICKING]

In Concord.

I don't know. Ask Herb Stempel here.

[IMITATES BUZZER]

Matthew.

It's the antideficit group

that criticized Dole for supporting tax cuts

and not having a clear position on social security.

He's cheating!

He is. I know-- I don't know how--

In some kind of freaky, Matthewesque way, you're doing it--

but he's cheating.

I am not.

Screw this!

Well, looks like you win, Matthew.

Oh, great.

What do I get?

Well, you get to go to New Hampshire to cover the primary.

Congratulations.

Why are you doing that? What?

David, I have two cats.

So? It's just for a few days.

Try telling them that.

I don't even like to go below 14th street.

Seriously, they'd kill me.

You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire

to cover the Primary

because your cats will kill you?

It's called responsibility, David.

Wake up and sniff it.

Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian...

Hey, Beth, how's it going?

Oh, it's amazing. Why?

Oh, I don't know.

It seems like, you know,

five hours to dump crap into a box

is a long time.

It's not that simple, Dave.

No?

Brian and I have been having some problems.

Oh, I'm sorry, Beth.

I had no idea--

Oh, for crying out loud!

Oh, God. Everything was going so well until I found this.

I think he's seeing another woman.

Are you sure that's him?

I think so.

I mean, I don't remember exactly what he looks like,

but there's something about that face

that's ringing a bell with me.

I hope you let Brian and his desk down easily.

I'm not letting him down at all, no, sirree,

because then I discovered this.

What?

Well, it's torn.

"Ticketron presents...

David B..."

I figure it's either David Byrne or David Bowie.

Either one would be fine.

You see? He's cool. He's cool.

Dave, did you find Brian's number yet?

No, I'll get it as soon as I can.

Now, would you dump this crap in a box

and get back to work.

Mr. And Mrs. Brian...

By the way, you'll be happy to hear

that you'll be going to New Hampshire after all.

How come Matthew's not going?

Well, apparently, if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes,

his cats start plotting against him.

Oh. And people say you're whipped.

Yes, they do.

Now, I'm going to have Beth book the tickets

to Concord for you tomorrow.

And please give Bob Dole my regards.

I will.

Lisa's going to new Hampshire, huh?

Yes.

She must've really sexed you up

during your lunch break.

No, no, no, Catherine.

Dave was going to send Matthew,

but Matthew can't go because of his...cats.

His cats.

Actually, it was the sexing up at lunch

that did it.

That was a grade-A love him up.

You should be proud.

This is a situation I do not want to hear details.

She does this thing...

Tell her that is not what happened.

What difference does it make,

so long as I keep getting that good loving?

Radio broadcasting has taught me

many a life lesson.

Perhaps one day,

I'll publish these musings under the title

"A Journalist's Credo."

I'm sure it'll make for some fascinating reading.

[GRUNTING]

Delivery man.

Best meatball sandwich there is.

You know, if I didn't know any better,

I'd swear there's been

some kind of prank war going on here.

Really?

Perhaps you're not used to the explosive atmosphere

of a modern radio newsroom.

Mr. McNeal, you're hovering six feet in the air.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Oh, you mean the chair? Yes.

I see. It's a special radio chair.

Trade secret. I can't explain.

I must say, you're the most

unflappable journalist I've ever met.

Really?

You can't fool me.

I mean, something's going on around here,

but it's not getting to you.

All right, I admit it.

The man who owns this station

is something of a practical joker.

Bill McNeal doesn't swing that way.

Well, all I can say is

you'll make one hell of an interesting story.

Get me a photograph, I can get you on the front page.

Seriously?

What do you want? I have brooding with glasses,

brooding without glasses,

happy with glasses, happy without.

Well, send them all.

This will be great.

You're the epitome of grace under pressure.

In these veins, nothing but ice water.

Excuse me.

I'll give my publicist a call

and have those photos sent right over.

Super. Nice to meet you, Mr. Mc Neal.

You too, Mr. James.

Yeah.

Ha ha ha!

Cretins, try as you might,

nobody makes a fool of Bill McNeal.

Well, Bill, I got to hand it to you, Bill,

you were like a rock.

I can't believe

you held it together like that.

Yes, I did.

Well, I got to admit it,

I have been bested by the master.

Hello, Jackie? McNeal.

Send all my photos over to The Wall Street Journal.

That's right.

Oh, Mr. McNeal, one more question.

Sure. What is it, son?

Is it warm in here?

Excuse me?

Because I'm feeling kind of hot.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

April fool, Bill!

Yes, Jimmy, you got me.

Kudos.

Mark my words, I'll get you back for this.

I will have my revenge!

Oh, yeah?

How you gonna do that, Bill?

I don't know.

LISA: We're going out to dinner. You want to come?

No, thanks.

You sure?

No. I, uh...

I'd like to be alone with the desk for a while.

Of course. I understand.

I remember my first time with Lisa's desk.

Hey.

I left some tax stuff--

Oh, my God. You came back.

Yeah, those W--

Oh, Brian.

Uh, my name isn't Brian.

Who the hell cleaned out my desk?

[♪]