Original subtitles

Hey, gang.

How'd you guys do this weekend?

Well, I lost on New York,

but Jersey, Houston, and Golden State

came through for me big-time,

so final tally-- up 200 bucks.

Not too bad.

How did you pick Jersey over Atlanta?

I got killed on that one.

Hey, guys, what are you talking about?

So, you know, you're just giving your money away

playing Atlanta on the road.

Well, they would have covered it

if Anderson hadn't missed four free throws

in the last two minutes.

Sports, huh? Oh, man, I love sports.

Hey, did you guys hear

they got a whole cable channel

just for sports now?

Anytime you got a home team on two days' rest

getting 10 points,

you got to bet on them.

But they lost four in a row at home.

10 points?

That sounds like a lot of points.

That means they're due to win one.

Well, you know, I got a system.

Always bet against any team Ted Turner owns.

That's what he does.

I'm a Knickerbockers fan, I guess.

Since I live in New York, you know.

I don't know about Phoenix.

They never do that well in the regular season.

Go Knickers, right?

What's the spread?

It's 4.

No, no. 4 1/2.

5...I heard...

I went to Phoenix once, though.

It was pretty fun.

Didn't do any sports, but, uh...

You know, what exactly is a spread, anyways?

What do you think of Detroit at Atlanta?

When's that, Thursday?

Anyways, I'll catch you guys on the flip-flop, as they say.

Anyway...

[♪]

Hey, Joe, who do you like in the fifth today?

You don't gamble.

Oh, I dabble in the horsies from time to time.

You mean the ponies?

Yeah.

Anyway, um...

looking at the old racing form here,

and I just can't figure out where the smart money's going.

The smart money's

not going to anywhere near somebody

using a racing form from 1993.

Joe...

Joe, teach me how to gamble.

Why do you want to learn how to gamble?

Because you guys come in here every Monday,

and that's all you talk about is gambling, gambling, gambling,

and I never have anything to say.

Yeah, but if I teach you how to gamble,

then you will have something to say.

Yeah, exactly.

You're not listening.

Joe, seriously. I'm begging you.

No. No way, man. Get out of here.

Come on.

Look, I know I seem a little weird sometimes,

but you would too if you always felt excluded.

You know? I just...

I just want to be one of the guys, you know?

Just for once.

It really would mean a lot to me.

All right, fine. You want to make a bet?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 5.

You try to guess it.

Yeah, but it's got to be for cash.

10 bucks,

and I'll give you 100-to-1 odds.

Oh, that means if you win, you get 10 bucks,

but if I win...

You get 1,000.

Wow. I'd be stupid not to...

Right. You ready?

Ready? Go.

Uh, four.

No, three. Good try.

Hey, what's the story, morning glory?

Hey, Mr. James.

Guess what.

I have whittled my list of potential wives

down to...

23 women.

So you've eliminated 13 women already.

Yeah, well, you know,

flu season's been brutal on some of the older ones.

I got my sights set

on that chanteuse, Melissa Etheridge.

I mean, man, that woman has everything.

I believe she's gay, sir.

Yeah, she is a house of fire.

Yeah, well, I believe she's gay.

A lesbian.

A gay, lesbian-type woman, sir.

Oh, really?

Uh-huh.

Well, I guess I'm down to 22.

How gay is she?

Oh, she's right up there with K.D. Lang, sir.

Aw, shoot.

Yeah.

Oh, Dave, Dave, Bill's going to do a speech

at the broadcasting society tonight.

I told him I'd be there,

but now it looks like I can't make it.

Could you sub for me?

Uh, sure. Sure.

Good. I got to get out of here. God bless.

So, you're going

to a lesbian banquet, huh, Dave?

If I put a plastic bag in your jacket,

will you bring me back some leftovers? Please?

Mm-mm. No.

Dave, please?

Dave--

Dave, I did tell you

that you'd be introducing Bill tonight, didn't I?

No. Yeah.

No.

Darn it.

Um, sir, what kind of an introduction?

Oh, you know, a speech.

A--a speech?

Yeah, a speech. Make it 5, 10 minutes.

Remember, Bill's the main event, okay?

Mm-hmm. I really have to make a speech?

Yeah, and make them laugh,

because there's nothing like the sound

of 1,500 people not laughing.

I'll see you.

Okay, now, listen, Dave.

I couldn't find a plastic bag.

All I had was a condom, okay?

So just... you know what?

Just get me a handful of bread sticks, okay?

Haven't you had enough?

Come on. You've lost five in a row.

I feel the need. I feel the need.

Let's do it.

What have we got sports-wise tonight?

There's nothing.

I'm telling you, there's nothing.

What's this? "ESPN Superbouts."

What's that?

It's boxing, but--

Let's do it. Let's go boxing.

You want to bet? Yeah.

All right. Double or nothing?

Yeah.

All right, who do you like, Foreman or Ali?

Okay, whoa.

Before I jump into anything,

I need to, you know,

because altitude, climate,

all that might come into play.

I need to know where the bout is taking place.

Zaire.

Zaire.

Africa. The dark continent.

Think hot. Think muggy.

Okay, who is it again? Who's fighting again?

George Foreman and Muhammad Ali.

Um, Joe, I think, uh...

I think on this one

I'm going to have to go with Big George Foreman.

Yeah, Big George.

So it's a bet? You sure?

Yeah.

Boom! You lose.

What? They fought in '74.

Ali knocked out Foreman in the eighth round.

One of the greatest fights ever.

You can catch it on TV tonight.

Man, it really is like that song, isn't it?

You got to know when to fold them.

You got to know how to hold them, don't you?

Joe?

So...

I hear you're opening for the great one tonight.

That's right, Bill.

Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence?

It's not confidence. It's know-how.

I've given hundreds of these speeches

to fraternal organizations all across this great land.

No kidding.

Yeah-- Shriners, Rotarians, Elk lodges.

It's like I'm their king or something.

Well, well, well, a kingdom of fat men in minicars.

You must be very proud.

So, need any pointers on the ancient art of oratory?

Uh, no, thank you.

I just thought you might benefit

from a few of the old Bill McNeal rules

of speech etiquette and presentation.

Well, thank you, but to be honest, no.

I taught a course on it at the learning annex.

You did? What course was that?

The "I thought you might benefit

"from a few of the old Bill McNeal

rules of speech etiquette and presentation" course.

Well, you know what, Bill?

To be perfectly honest with you,

I am a little nervous about public speaking,

and I probably could use a few tips.

Not a problem, because I want you to do well.

Well, thank you. Thanks.

I need you to do well.

You've got to do well, Dave.

You've just got to.

I mean, nobody cares how beautiful the soufflé is

if the appetizer is turds in a blanket.

Can we just jump ahead to the pointers, Bill?

Okay, rule number one-- speak up!

What was rule number one?

Speak up.

Pardon?

Speak up!

You've just taken your first step

into a larger world.

God, you're an idiot.

What?

God, you're an idiot!

Let's get to work.

Come on, man. No more. No more betting.

No, don't bail on me, Joe.

Come on, I'll bet you...

Listen, I'll bet you the next song

that WRMH plays

is a really good song.

I'll bet it sucks. Double or nothing.

Oh, you're on.

♪ I am a lineman For the county... ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ And I travel The main road ♪

All right.

You win.

It sucks.

I love that song.

Focus!

Hmm?

Oh...

Let's go over it

yet again.

Come on, Bill. I really--

Just one more time, Dave. I promise.

All right.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen--

No!

What have I been telling you?

♪ Ba ba ba Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ♪

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Bill, this is really starting to resemble

a scene from Fame.

You want fame? It starts right here.

Very cute, but don't you think I should at some point,

you know, sit down and write the speech?

Maybe in the future,

children will learn to drive rocket cars

before they can walk,

but for right now,

let's concentrate on the fundamentals.

Would you stop doing that?

Look, I know how to say,

"good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

Yes, but you don't know

how to say it with conviction.

This is a good evening. These women are ladies.

These men are gentle.

And tonight they're going to enjoy...Bill McNeal!

Okay, Bill. I think I've had enough of the course.

Thank you very much.

Oh, what have we here, a quitter?

No. I just really need to write this speech.

Do I hear the plaintive cry

of the crested North American quitter?

Bill, please.

Quit, quit, quit, coo! Quit, quit, coo!

Okay, get out of my office now.

That's the attitude I'm looking for.

Stay in that place. And...go!

Get out!

No. No. Bring it down. Keep it real.

What are those?

Cards. Just cards.

You a little nervous about your big speech tonight?

No, no. No, no.

No? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm cool.

You're cool?

Yeah, I'm cool with it.

You know, I'm just hanging with it.

I'm just, uh...chillin'.

Uh-huh.

Well, word to your mother.

Matthew, stop that.

No. No, ma'am.

I've only got, like, five minutes

before Joe gets back to practice.

Okay,

how many bets have you lost?

Just like nine or 10.

$10 a pop, letting it ride,

Jacking the vig, double or nothing.

Do you know what "double or nothing" means?

Actually, it's kind of complicated

to explain, Lisa.

That's cute, though.

Uh, well, actually,

it means that you owe Joe $5,120.

What?

It's really...it's not even about the money, Lisa.

It's about being, you know, one of the guys.

Well, if you want to be one of the guys,

why don't you just join a rotisserie baseball league

or something?

Because I'm allergic to chicken.

Shh.

Oh, Joe. Hey, listen.

Hey, how about, uh... you want to bet

I can toss this little paper ball into...

Oh, I don't know. How about, uh...

Hey! Across the office into that garbage can?

That's hard to pass up.

If you can't handle it, then...

What the hell? I'll do it.

Double or nothing says you can do it.

Okay, you're on. You got a bet.

He shoots...

and scores!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! What?

Yeah. I win.

No, I got it in.

Yeah, and I bet that you could.

But--

Nice shot, though, dude.

I guess you've been practicing, huh?

Look, if you think it'll help,

you may feel free to imagine the audience naked.

Thanks, Bill. Thanks.

Also, sometimes it helps

to practice in front of a mirror.

So you're suggesting

I stand in front of the mirror

and imagine myself naked?

That's like something out

of Silence of the Lambs.

Good flick. Good flick.

Okay, We're ready for you, Governor Cuomo.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Lisa.

Dave, I only threw one.

Right, and just magically multiplied

into this landfill over here?

Those are not mine.

Look, just clean it up,

and try and set a better example for Frick and Frack over there.

Uh, this really isn't necessary.

No, no, Dave,

accept the applause graciously.

Just say to yourself, "I deserve this."

No, I mean this little make-believe rehearsal

isn't necessary.

I just wanted to run some ideas past you.

Oh, come on, Dave.

Inspiration minus preparation

equals trepidation.

Did you take Bill's learning annex course too?

No. I took the Jesse Jackson course.

Oh, Milos, could you clean up a little later?

No, no, no, actually,

I invited Milos to listen to the speech.

Oh, I'm sorry, Milos.

This is great. Have a seat. This is great.

Thank you, Milos.

Welcome, Milos. Thanks for coming.

Okay, let's begin, Dave.

Oh, fine.

I mean, this is stupid, but fine.

All right. Ahem.

Okay. Um...

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests--

Whoo! Yeah!

What are you doing?

I'm hooting.

Why are you hooting?

Because, Dave, you can't be thrown

by an overly enthusiastic audience.

This is a speech to the Broadcasting Society.

I doubt the members of the broadcasting society

are going to behave like the Dog Pound.

What? The what?

The Dog Pound.

These people over here are the Dog Pound.

You know, The Arsenio Hall Show, right?

Just because I'm black,

I'm supposed to be an expert

on Arsenio Hall trivia.

It was a general question.

Yeah.

Next thing you know,

you'll be asking me if I can get you

an autograph from Sydney Poitier.

Oh, my God. You know Sydney Poitier?

We're getting a little distracted.

Okay, let's begin again.

Fine. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests,

Members of the--

Okay, who threw that?

Come on.

Look, look, who-- who threw that?

You can't let a little something like that

throw you, honey. Go on.

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests,

members of the Broadcasting Society.

As broadcasters, it is our duty--

[LAUGHS]

Doodie.

Very funny. Very funny.

What is he doing in there?

He never locks this door.

He's probably in there doing it with Lisa.

Oop, sorry. Force of habit.

All right, you know what? Forget Dave.

I will handle this myself.

Joe, tell Matthew

he doesn't owe you any money.

No. He said he wanted to learn about gambling.

Now he's learning.

He owes you $10,240.

Well, maybe he can pay me installments,

like a dollar a day

for the rest of his life.

No, not the rest of his life, but maybe the next 28.055 years.

You don't impress me.

Look, Joe, just let him win one, please?

Go double or nothing with him

and let him win.

You're asking Joe Garelli

to take a dive?

Yes, and let's not get melodramatic.

AS MARLON BRANDO: I could have been somebody.

I could have been a contender

instead of a bum, which is what I am.

On The Waterfront.

1954, but very relevant

to my current predicament,

isn't it?

Well, yeah, it would be more relevant

if Marlon Brando's arch enemy in the film

had been Don Knotts...

but it wasn't, so come on.

Going to kick that Barney Fife's ass.

So, in--in conclusion,

uh, without further ado, uh, so to speak,

please welcome... Bill McNeal.

Well, you can't say

Dallas doesn't love you, Mr. President.

Well, I thought that you were fine.

You were fine, Dave.

But...But...

Well...

You weren't undressing me with your eyes, were you?

No, no, no, no.

Mr. Dave...

Your speaking makes my heart feel very big.

Well, thank you, Milos.

You have my vote.

I will be proud for you to be the president.

Uh, Milos, I'm...

Could I have, please?

Uh, sure.

Thanks, Milos, but--

Thank you...

Mr. President.

$10,240

divided by 10 years...

[LAUGHING] Doodie.

All right, dude. One more bet.

Okay, I'm ready.

All right, double or nothing.

Guess which hand the pencil's in.

Huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Matthew!

Okay, okay. I'm just, you know...

my first impulse is to pick this one,

of course, because...

but you have outsmarted me before,

haven't you?

Like nine or 10 times.

So maybe I should pick the opposite one.

Or is that what you want me to think?

That one.

You lose.

Oh, good lord!

I tried.

So did I.

You're on your own, Matthew.

Let's try it just one more time.

Now, the dramatic pause in this section

lasts how long?

Oh, for crying out loud, Bill, three seconds.

Three seconds. Yes. Proceed.

All right.

And now please welcome the man of the hour...

Now!

Bill McNeal.

No! You're too late!

Now they're just going to think

you've forgotten my name!

That's absurd.

Why can't you do a simple thing

like count to three?

Maybe there's such a thing

as over-rehearsing. You think of that?

Tonight is important to me, Dave.

Don't you understand?

I've been writing my speech for months.

Look, just relax.

How can I relax?

You're going to suck the air out of the room

before I even get a chance to speak.

Well, thank you for boosting my confidence.

Screw your confidence!

You're going down in flames tonight,

and I'm going to end up

with a face full of smoke and soot!

Look, settle down.

No, you settle down! You settle down!

Stop screaming at me.

No, you stop screaming at me!

Bill, you're the most selfish,

insecure, egotistical freak

it has ever been my misfortune

to work with.

He is the most selfless, humble, and confident man

it has ever been my pleasure to work with,

and I realize I should probably wrap up my remarks now.

AUDIENCE: Aw...

No, no, no. Please. Please.

So without further ado,

my very good friend

and the finest broadcaster I know...

Bill McNeal.

RASPS: Thank you.

I strained my voice today,

so you'll have to bear with me.

Events like this one

always remind me of a funny story.

Speak up!

Events like this one always--[COUGHING]

Oh, I heard you learned a thing or two

about gambling today.

Yeah, I did. I sure did.

Yeah? Who do you like this weekend?

I don't like anyone, quite frankly.

Don't like anyone or anything

related to gambling, which I suck at.

Aw, come on, Matthew.

The only reason I got into it

was because of you guys.

You know, you guys are always talking about it,

and I just wanted to, you know, join the gang.

Listen to me. How did you do?

I lost every single bet I placed.

Welcome to the club.

Oh yeah. Back in the early '70s,

I had the worst losing streak of my life.

Really?

Sure. Hell, yeah.

I even lost the games I fixed.

I know. That's exactly how it was for me today.

Well, there you go.

Stuff like that happens

to us gambler types.

Yeah, yeah, that does happen to us gamblers.

All right.

Like today, Joe bet me

I couldn't guess which hand the pencil was in,

and I guessed the wrong one,

even though the pencil was sticking way out.

You don't say.

[♪]