Original subtitles

Yeah, so anyway, you know, if I move the phone at all

or jostle it in any way, the line cuts out.

So I'm pretty sure the jack is broken.

Well, if it's broken, I can fix it.

Well, take my word for it. The jack is definitely broken.

Then I can fix it.

Okay, what's wrong with it?

It's broken.

And you can fix it?

Yeah. I got some spare parts lying around.

I can probably rig up something for you by noon.

No, no, no. No rigging. No.

Aw, come on.

No. No. Just splurge.

Go down to the hardware store

and spend 25 cents for a new jack.

Uh-uh, I have never and will never use

any of that machine-made, mass-produced garbage.

I don't play that game.

Well, that's very... Neo-Luddite of you.

That's very neo... Unnecessary-big-word of you.

Hey, don't knock it, dude.

Remember when I fixed the hard drive on your computer?

Just these two hands, a soldering iron,

some parts from an old clock.

Yeah. That was very impressive.

Hey, is that why my old clock doesn't work anymore?

Yes.

Excuse me, Dave. I was just wondering--

I'm sorry. This is a bad time.

What do you want?

It doesn't seem important now, whatever it was,

so frankly, my mind is drawing a blank.

I assume this means you and Lisa aren't dating anymore?

Okay, Bill, we get the joke. Very funny.

Thank you.

I need Joe to give me a hand with something.

I'm busy.

There's 20 bucks in it for you.

You know, Dave, at this point

I'm just pushing wires around down here, so...

Joe...

Joe!

I was hoping you could tell me

where to get one of these.

Uh, a newsstand?

Not the magazine. This.

An electronic voice modulator.

What do you want one of those for?

I think your fake radio voice sounds great.

Thank you. But I want it to be a little more...

Bass?

And a tad more...

Like Rush Limbaugh?

No. I mean just a little more...

Like Robin Quivers?

No. More resonance.

Look, pick up one of these for me

and I'll give you 20 bucks to install it.

You don't want to buy one of those.

Come on. I could rig it up for you on the mixing board.

Joe, no rigging.

Come on. We've been through this before.

Turn up the pitch a little,

give you a little reverb... Sit, sit, sit.

All right, fine.

But don't take apart my clock again.

Ahem. I'm Bill McNeal.

I'm Bill McNeal.

What's your name?

I'm Bill McNeal.

Heh. Okay, ready?

HIGH PITCHED: I'm Bill McNeal.

I'm Bill McNeal.

You know what?

I think I can look up a store in the yellow pages myself.

No, no, no, no. That's not what I'm about.

Come on, just give me a second to tune it up here.

All right. Hold on. Wait a second.

Patch me into the intercom and turn the volume way up.

Hang on... Hang on...

Okay.

Now.

HIGH PITCHED: Matthew!

Ho, ho, ho.

Close. Close, Bill. Good...

But no cigar.

You're going to have to wake up pretty early--

Hey, do you have the time? Yes.

[♪]

Okay, and finally,

I'm afraid the station is no longer going to reimburse you

for cab rides home.

What? What?

Wait a minute. What if we work past 8:00 p.m.?

I'm sorry. Not anymore.

Well, that's not fair.

That's just punishing people who stay at work late.

Well, it's one thing if you're here till midnight working.

It's another if you wait till 8:01

so you can get the free cab,

pick up six of your friends, each from a different borough

and can go club-hopping all night.

Beth.

What are you talking about, Dave?

Um, actually, that was me.

A friend of mine had a bachelor party,

and we didn't know where to go,

so I asked the cab driver

to drop us off "where the action is."

Where'd you end up, big guy?

Airport.

Regardless, though, any inappropriate expenditures

will be deducted from your salary in the future.

That is going too far.

No, taking a cab to New Jersey and back

is going too far.

That was radio-related business.

There are plenty of places in Manhattan

to buy a radio.

Dave, it was a 43% off sale.

Apparently, the guy who owned the place

went crazy

and was slashing prices.

Well, I may go crazy and slash paychecks

if I see another receipt like that.

Okay, meeting adjourned. Thank you.

Here you go, dude. Check it out.

The Voice-Mo-Tron 10,000.

I'm assuming you crafted this with your own hands.

What makes you say that?

The liberal use of paper clips and duct tape

was sort of a tip-off.

Duct tape. That stuff's a rip-off.

I make my own tape.

Come on, we'll go in the booth.

I'll hook it up for you.

We'll be back with traffic and weather

at the top of the hour.

Let me get hooked up here.

Okay, give it a shot.

VERY LOW VOICE: Hello. I'm Bill McNeal.

I don't think this is right.

It's good. Your voice sounds deeper.

Shut it off. Hang on. Wait a second.

Barry White coming at you with the power of love, baby.

MALE VOICE: Why do you want to change-- Joe!

Sorry.

Thank you.

Whoa.

Don't worry, folks. Stay calm.

Happens in my apartment every day.

Ad sales, please.

Hi. Jerry? Hi. Dave Nelson. Yeah.

I was going over our records, And-- Jerry?

Jerry?

Beth?

Okay, you win, Dave.

Now I'll go hide, and you can try to find me.

Shouldn't you be getting to your dentist appointment?

Right. Yeah. When is that?

That is today at... Ten minutes ago, Dave.

Well, thanks for the reminder. Okay.

Okay, and would you get Joe to fix my phone, please?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Sounds like he fixed it.

Hello? Oh, hi, Jerry. Yeah, we got cut off.

Yeah, yeah, because I was going over our records and--

Jerry?

MATTHEW: David?

BETH: He's at the dentist.

Dentist?

I wonder who's going to be paying for that cab trip.

No free cab rides. What a ripoff.

I'll tell you what, though.

From now on, I'm going to take the bus,

and I will be charging the station.

You can count on that.

That'll show him.

What about the mug today?

Was he out of control with that thing, or what?

"Okay, people, meeting.

"First, let me have a quick sip--

"No, I think I'll put it down here--

"No. No more cab rides, Matthew.

"No, I can't actually put my mug down

or I'll lose all my magic powers."

Hey, what was the final score today

on his coffee mug gymnastics?

Oh, actually, I counted seven trade-offs

from right hand to left

and at least nine

"almost puts the mug down

but then picks it up before it touches the tables."

Well, from the booth,

I counted 17 fully executed coffee cup maneuvers.

Aha. I thought I smelled Dave's burning flesh.

This is a new twist, though:

bitch session in the office of the bitchee himself.

Well, it's more exciting because it's taboo.

Taboo...

Hey, Lisa, tell us the truth.

Dave buys his suits in the little boys' department,

doesn't he?

He did look like a 14-year-old, didn't he?

Oh, hey, Dave,

I thought you were still at the dentist.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just been burned.

Oh, Beth!

That is so negative.

Anyway, I think Dave looks cute in that suit.

Oh, yeah. Almost just like a real grown-up.

No. He really does.

He looks like

he just stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting.

"First day at Bible college."

I think he looks more like, uh...

A very handsome young executive.

And you guys have gone way, way over the line here.

What? What?

Okay, the coffee mug thing, okay, I know that's just a joke,

but making fun of a man's suit, well, that's just wrong!

Oh, okay, see, um...

in the black community, it's considered--

To make fun of somebody's clothing is--

CATHERINE: Oh, Matthew, shut up.

I'm ready.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

Presenting...

Dave, The Insane Maniac,

a play in one act, by Beth and Bill.

Hello, Dave.

HIGH VOICE: Hello, employee.

You look miserable and depressed.

Oh, I am. I can no longer take cab rides home

from the office.

Excellent. That's good news to me.

You see, I'm from Wis-cahn-sin...

where taxicabs are feared,

and hunted for the delicious meat

under their hoods.

Comedy?

Or tragedy?

You be the judge. You be the judge.

The end.

Bravo, bravo.

And brava.

Thank you very much.

Actually, we had this one part

where Bill plays with the mug--

Yeah, but I like to stay away

from the broad, physical stuff.

No offense, Matthew.

How do you guys manage

to come up with a new play every day?

I consider it a gift.

Hello, Mom?

Ouch, chihuahua, that's got to hurt.

They know you overheard them?

No, no, you're the first person I've spoken to.

Well, except my mom.

What did she say?

"Come home, pumpkin."

That's sweet. Sweet.

So your mom's still married to that guy--

My dad? Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Well, you'll let me know if--

Oh, sure. Yeah. All right.

You know, I just can't help but feel--

Unloved?

No, it's... Well, yeah.

Aw, pumpkin...

You know that I love you, don't you?

Oh, that's not necessary, sir.

But I do, I do. I really love you.

WAITER: I'll come back a little later

to get the gentlemen's dessert orders.

That-- That was a little bit embarrassing.

No, no, no.

There's nothing wrong

with two drunk men loving each other.

I don't-- I don't care who knows it.

Hey!

Hey!

I love this guy right here!

I love him!

Hey, Ted.

Ted Turner. Great, uh, great guy.

My regards to, uh--

Jane.

Yeah, Jane.

You tell me exactly what they said

made you feel so bad.

Well, they said I looked

like a 14-year-old in a business suit.

Well...

Okay, all right.

They also said that I make ridiculous gestures

with my coffee mug.

Oh, that's really something that pierces a man's soul, huh?

Well, it's not the specifics of what they said.

It's the fact they said it behind my back.

Dave, Dave, you're the boss.

You supposed to be thick-skinned.

I'm plenty thick-skinned.

Oh, yeah. I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding.

Here, check this out.

Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.

You want to know the secret?

Wild guess. Thick skin?

Metaphysically, yes.

Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times,

it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

I see.

But you know-- But sometimes I just feel like--

Sir, it's starting to smell funny.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thanks.

Dave...

You're just not going to be comfortable

until you confront them,

so maybe, uh...

maybe you're just not thick-skinned enough.

I'm plenty thick-skinned.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You know...

You're drunk, that's what you are.

No, I'm not. I'm fine.

You've had more to drink than I have.

Well, yeah,

but I don't have the body of a 14-year-old.

I-- I couldn't resist that.

It doesn't bother me at all. See? It just rolls off my back.

Attaboy.

Hey! Mike!

Mike! Mike Eisner!

That's Mike Eisner. He's a great guy, great guy.

He's got skin like a rhino.

I think that's Mike Ovitz.

Doesn't matter. They're all the same.

Mike!

Yeah, Mike!

Yeah! No, you come over here!

Yeah. No, you come over here!

I got a young man right here that I happen to love!

Okay, here we go.

Now, I want you to go in there and control the situation.

Take the bull by the horns. You know I'll be right behind you.

I will. How's your hand?

Oh, it's great. No sensation at all.

Hey, everyone?

Hello.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

Does anyone here have any problems

with the way I run the station?

Yeah!

You do?

No. I was being supportive.

Just go ahead. Do it again.

Does anyone have any problems with the way I run this station?

Amen!

You know, sir, I think this might ago a little quicker

without your support.

Okay, I got you, pumpkin.

Well?

Oh, no, Dave.

No. No.

Are you sure? Because you know what?

I was a little concerned

that maybe I was coming off as... I don't know...

An insane Norman Rockwell Bible school boy maniac.

Did you tell Dave?

No, no...

I don't need anybody to tell me anything, all right,

because...

I happened to be hiding under the desk the whole time.

You were eavesdropping on us, Dave?

I don't believe this.

Look, look, look, people, people,

it doesn't matter whether, um...

Hang on. Dave, you were hiding under the desk the whole time?

You didn't tell me that.

It was kind of unintentional.

Oh, I see. Okay.

Look, people, people, it doesn't matter whether, uh...

You know what, Dave? I think this is really pathetic.

I have to distance myself from you.

I'll see you later.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Fine.

I'm just resting up for that big sale at... Baby Gap.

Come on... We didn't mean anything.

Mm-hmm.

No. We were just kidding around.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

We just...

Dave, now that's what employees do.

Mm-hmm. Is that what girlfriends do?

Well... I said you looked cute.

You know, I just keep trying to figure it out in my head.

I mean, "Does she really love me,

"or is it just the thrill of possibly being picked up

on charges of corrupting a minor?"

Oh, Dave. Come on.

You know how sexy I think you are.

Wait a sec. Wait a sec, wait a sec.

Okay, okay, now say it.

Okay, now you're being a jerk.

Oh, deja vu.

I turn my back and you start to badmouth me.

All right, I can't be around you when you're like this.

What, I don't remind you of a Norman Rockwell painting

anymore?

No, I don't think he painted one called "Pissy Wisconsin Jerk."

You ready?

Joe, please, can't we just give up?

Did Thomas Edison give up?

Thomas Edison wasn't trying to invent something

that was readily available

at a variety of stores near his home.

Yeah, well, I'm not giving up. Come on, man.

RICH VOICE: I'm Bill McNeal.

WNYX news time: 4:00.

It works!

The eagle has landed.

Joe, it sounds exquisite.

I'll say. Thanks, buddy.

Sorry, corporate America.

It seems the common man triumphs once again.

The Unabomber would be very proud.

Well, I can't believe he did it.

He didn't.

What are you talking about?

RICH VOICE: I'm Bill McNeal. I'm Bill McNeal.

How are you doing that?

I think I somehow use the inside of my skull

as a sounding chamber.

I don't pretend to understand the physics of it.

Bill, honey, why didn't you just do this from the start

instead of making Joe build you a machine?

Because when I do it this way,

I suffer from intense headaches and blackouts.

Yeah, come on in, Joe.

Thanks for coming, everybody.

Hey, where's Lisa?

Oh, actually, she and Dave had a little fight moment

and she left early.

Yeah, which is why I asked you all here.

Now, folks, what we have here is an office divided.

You know, it's like some kind of civil war,

and we all know what happens in a civil war, right, Beth?

Yeah. Brother fights against brother?

No. Some nutjob actor pops the president in the head

while he's trying to watch the show.

He was hiding under his desk.

Look, Jimmy, we were wrong, okay,

but Dave shouldn't have been eavesdropping on us.

From under his desk!

It's totally bogus.

He pulled a desk job on us, Jim!

All right, fine. Fine.

Okay, I'll start looking for a new news director tomorrow.

What? You heard me.

I'm replacing Dave.

You people have spoken, I have listened.

Thanks for the time.

If you fire Dave, I quit.

Who's with me?

Look, people fight all the time. It doesn't mean anything.

One Christmas,

my brother hit me over the head with a frying pan

to see if it'd change shape,

they way they do in the cartoons?

It doesn't mean he didn't love me.

I said, who's with me?

I'm sorry, folks. Dave's out.

Jimmy, Dave is quite simply the best news director

I've ever worked with.

But?

What? No, I really mean it.

Well...

Bill McNeal shows a little compassion and sincerity.

Remarkable.

Those dimensions are there. They're just unexplored.

Okay, so what you're saying is,

you want Dave to stay?

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

All right, you're with me. I'm up.

All right, but you'll stop bitching

about the way he does his job?

Ah... That's...

All right, you'll be more careful

about where you hold your bitch sessions?

That's for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, I'll see you folks later.

Okay, well... Thank you.

So did it change shape?

The frying pan stayed the same. What about your head?

I don't remember.

Thanks again, folks. Yeah.

Thanks, Bill. Always nice to see you.

You get all that, pumpkin?

Wow.

See? They don't hate you. I mean, quite the contrary.

Wow.

Okay, all right, Dave. You know what you need?

Good night's sleep.

Definitely, but first...

A little hair of the dog that bit you.

Come on. No.

Just one? Okay.

All right. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What about Lisa? What are you going to do about Lisa?

You know, I don't know what's going to happen with that.

I mean, I'm okay with the rest,

but you know, what Lisa did really hurts.

Well, yeah, but I mean, you two can patch it up, huh?

I don't know. I don't know this time.

All right. You know what? I got to get my wallet.

I'll be right out there. I'll be right with you.

Sorry about that.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't.

Yeah.

That's all right. He'll get over it.

I have my ways.

Yeah.

You know what? Call him "pumpkin."

He likes that.

That's what his mother calls him.

Yeah, but his mom's really hot.

[♪]