Original subtitles

CATHERINE: Air force officials

said documents were accidentally destroyed,

but a full inquiry is ongoing. Bill?

Thanks, Catherine.

9:35 on a Wednesday morning,

the 15th of November,

which is-- unless I'm mistaken--

A notoriously busy day on the expressways.

That's right?

Our own Catherine Duke's birthday.

Happy birthday, Cathy.

Thank you, Bill.

And speaking of traffic--

Not so fast, Cathy.

From all of us here at the station,

and everyone listening out there,

I'd just like to say...

best wishes.

Thank you.

Here's to 36 more wonderful years!

Major Deegan Expressway backed up--

The big 3-6. Wow.

Major Deegan Expressway backed up

due to an overturned big rig

just outside the Riverside Toll Plaza.

Also, steer clear of the West Side Highway.

This is Catherine Duke, WNYX Newsradio.

Ahem... Catherine--

No.

If you ever broadcast my age over the air again,

I will beat you to death with your own microphone.

You may be 36,

but you still have all the spark and sass

of a 35-year-old.

Catherine, can I--

Matthew, I'm in the middle of something here.

Now, how would you feel if everyone knew how old you are?

Hmm...

I can't say it would bother me.

Then how old are you?

I don't see how that's relevant to this conversation.

When's your birthday?

That's getting a little personal, isn't it?

Okay, Catherine--

What, Matthew?

What is it?

Oh, I'm sorry. If--if you're...

No, I'm sorry.

What is it that you want, sweetie?

Here's something that might cheer you up.

First of all...

and secondly...

Ahem...

Hap--

Good morning, Dave.

Oh, hey, Catherine, how are you doing?

Fine. And you?

What, uh, what can I do for you?

I was wondering if you could tell me

when Bill's birthday is.

Yeah, I should be able to do that.

Why do you need to know?

Oh, no special reason.

It's just that he's always

so super sweet to me on my birthday,

and I want to do something

super-duper sweet for him on his.

Oh... that's nice.

Let's see...

I got his W-2 here,

but, uh, the date of birth is blank.

Check his I-9.

No. Blank too.

Hey, Catherine, happy--

Happy New Year.

Just wanted to get that out of the way early.

Here, Dave, Lisa wanted me to give you this.

Okay. Just a sec--

Oh, Lisa...

Lis-- Lisa?

Lisa, I--

[SLAMS DOOR]

Did you and Lisa have a fight?

We had a little bit of a disagreement last night.

You mean a fight.

Okay, we had a fight.

Well, what happened?

We had a fight.

Get to the good part, Dave.

All right, it got a little bit heated,

and something popped out of my mouth.

You threw up on her?

No. I accidentally called her a name.

Which one?

It doesn't really matter, does it? But I regret it.

Which one?

The one that starts with "B".

Not the...

Yes, the "B" word.

Dave, you do not seem like the kind of guy

who would use the "B" word.

I'm not.

We are talking about "bitch," right?

Yeah, "bitch."

I'm sure she'll get over it,

unless she decides to be a total--

No, she's not going to get over it.

She asked for her apartment keys back.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?

Oh, no. No, no.

Just doing some work.

Um, I just wanted to ask--

What?

Are you and Lisa mad at each other?

No.

Because this morning,

when you and me and Lisa were riding up in the elevator,

there was this-- this icy silence.

I don't remember that.

Don't you? It was horrible. It was like...

Like that.

I'm thinking that...

maybe Lisa likes you.

Hmm?

Maybe you like Lisa too.

So there's all this sexual tension--

Get real, Matthew. They just work together.

I know. That's why there's the tension--

because it's taboo.

Think about it... Taboo.

Okay. Later on today...

Tell Matthew...

Tell Matthew that I'm a bit down because...

my taxes are being audited.

And say Lisa's down--

just make something up for Lisa, okay?

Okay, Dave, I will tell the lies,

but I will not make them up.

Okay. Try PMS.

All right, fine,

but that'll be the fifth time I've used it this month.

What? The keys to Lisa's apartment.

Oh, right.

What's in your hand?

What hand?

Your left hand. What are you hiding?

Wow. Secret keys.

Okay, later in the day, tell Bill

that I was giving you the keys because...

I don't know.

All right. I can't do this anymore.

Because... I'm watering the plants in your apartment.

Jeez, I'm starting to feel like I work for Keyser Soze.

Who?

Here are your keys, by the way.

What was that?

What was what?

Beth gave you something,

then you tried to hide it from me. What was it?

A girl thing.

Okay.

So...

How you doing today, bitch?

He told you?

Well, I had to drag it out of him, but yes.

It's not funny.

What happened?

We went to the movies last night,

and Dave bumped into Joe in the bathroom.

Since Dave couldn't tell Joe that he was there with me,

he watched the rest of the movie with Joe,

then went to a bar with him afterwards.

I had no idea where he was,

then he finally called me at 2:00 in the morning.

Did it ever occur to you that would be a lot easier if you and Dave would just--

Tell the staff we're dating. I know.

But that's not going to be possible--

At this point in time.

I would appreciate it if you would just give Dave back

the stuff he left in my apartment.

What was that?

What was what?

A white sock in a plastic bag. Oh.

Okay.

Listen, if Bill asks later, just tell him-- tell him--

Hey, Dave.

Lisa, can we talk a second?

Come on, Lisa, please.

Dave, you know, I think she's well on her way to getting over this one.

You really think so?

Look, she packed you a lunch.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Ahh.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Mr. James.

Something troubling you?

Yeah.

Work related? No.

Girl? Yeah.

Lisa? Yes.

Between you and me? Yeah.

Yes.

Problem? Big fight.

Issue? Temper.

Hers? Mine.

Hit her? No.

Throw something? No.

Call her a name? Yes.

What? "B" word.

Bitch? Yes.

Oh, now you're talking.

You know what you need to do...

Apologize?

No. That's not going to make her feel any better.

What she needs is to see you suffer.

Well, how do I arrange that?

Lisa will think of something. She always does.

Besides, she'll probably

just tell all her friends what you did,

and you will feel very, very ashamed.

Yeah, except none of our friends even know we're dating,

so she can't really tell anyone.

Oh. Then you're screwed.

She give you this sock back?

Yeah.

Ohh-ho-ho.

Listen, we should at least sing "Happy Birthday" to her.

No.

Come on, you guys. What do you think? Lisa?

I don't care.

Dave? Ditto.

What's the creepy vibes from you two?

Did you guys get drunk and make out

at the Christmas party or something?

No. No.

Um, actually, I think what's happening is

that Lisa's down about her tax audit,

and Dave's mom's sick,

which-- but their two bad moods are completely unrelated.

Wait, you told me

Dave was getting audited,

and you had female disorders.

No, I-- I'm sorry. Lisa's fine menstrually.

I just get...

I got mixed up. I don't know what I was saying.

Sorry about your mom, man.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

What's she have? Hmm?

What's the matter with her?

Beth, what's wrong with my mom?

MATTHEW: You don't even remember?

No. It has a very technical name--

She has a cold.

And, uh, what was your problem again?

Mm, tax audit.

Which is really bad because she cheated--

I don't cheat on my taxes.

You know what?

I don't want to do this anymore.

You guys figure it out yourselves.

I'm really sorry, you guys. I just can't take it anymore.

I'm starting to hate myself.

Hate yourself for what?

For lying to my closest friends on a daily basis.

I mean, I know it's for a good cause and everything, but--

So I'm standing there, and the usher goes,

"Do you have the ticket?"

And I did have ticket, right?

But I couldn't tell him I had the ticket,

so I'm just standing there, right,

with this date from hell, with these tickets,

not knowing exactly what to say--

Oh, my God, I can't take the pressure!

Oh, God, Beth. Beth, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Beth,

Look, you know, this isn't easy on us either.

Exactly. Which is why you should just tell the staff you're dating.

Beth, we will tell everyone.

Yes, eventually.

When the time's right.

La-la-la-la-la.

Let me tell you something, the time better get right real soon,

because I'm going to crack,

and I'm going to blurt your little secret out to the whole staff.

Oh, no, you won't.

Oh, yes, I did.

No, You mean, "Yes, I will."

Yeah, first person singular. Future tense.

I mean, "Yes, I did." Past tense. Last week.

They're just pretending not to know.

Third person plural. Period. Class dismissed.

Bill...

Honey, I'm sorry I got angry at you

about announcing my birthday.

That's okay.

You're a Scorpio.

I've become accustomed to your sting.

Well, I'm really sorry.

No hard feelings?

None at all.

Oh, and by the way,

if the reason you just picked my pocket

was to get my birth date off my driver's license...

I don't keep it in my wallet.

Where is it?

It's somewhere safe, my dear.

Somewhere safe.

Everyone... Uh, everybody...

Could you come here a second?

What up?

TOGETHER: Um...

Well, uh...

Dave and I would just like to apologize to you...

For lying...

About our affair here.

Our romance.

Our re...lationship.

Wh... what relationship?

Wait a minute, you guys are doing it?

Beth, can we see you in my office for a minute?

LISA: Now!

Oh, my, this is delicious.

Hey, what's up, you guys?

[SIGHS]

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

But I really do think it's going to be better

for both of you.

Beth, you lied to us.

I know, and I couldn't have pulled it off as well as I did

if I hadn't had so much good practice from you,

and I want to thank you for that.

You know, I actually feel better.

I do, I do.

Now, you know, every time I walk in here,

people are going to think that we're making out.

That's because you usually are.

Except now you don't have to hide it, right?

No more sneaking around, no more lying.

Don't you feel good?

Hmm?

Yeah, come on. Let's go for lunch.

Okay, go ahead. I'll meet you down there in 10 minutes.

No, no, no. Come on, let's go together.

We can do that now.

No, I know, I know.

It might feel strange, even dirty, right,

but just give it a whirl.

Oh, this is so excruciating.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I know. I know.

Dave, maybe you hold Lisa's hand, right,

because now you're allowed to do that.

Ah...

That looks really queer.

Okay....

let's just go one day at a time on that.

Hey, where are you two off to?

I'm going to lunch. Me too.

Yes, Dave and I are going to lunch together.

Okay? All right?

Okay, okay, big whoop.

[CATCALLS AND CHEERING]

What was that?

It was nothing, It was just a sign.

What'd it say?

"If this office is rockin', don't come a-knockin'."

Oh.

Hi, Mr. James.

Hey, kids. The office wasn't a-rockin',

so I let myself in.

Have a seat.

So, so, so, so.

It's all out in the open, huh?

Yes, sir.

Good. Which one of you's going to quit first?

Well, sir, with all due respect,

you can't really ask either of us to quit

just because we're dating.

Of course not, and I'd hate to lose either one of you.

But if you think keeping a secret was hard,

wait till you feel the pressure

of the entire staff scrutinizing your every move.

I give it about three months.

Mr. James, I really don't think

the staff cares as much about this

as you think they do.

Maybe not.

Make that two months.

So all we're asking for is a little respect, okay?

Yeah, we're just asking you guys as friends

to please give us some privacy.

Yeah. Because this is very hard for us.

I think we hear what you're saying.

You'd like us to leave the room

so you can do it right now?

Aw, come on, you guys.

Now, let's take it seriously,

because Dave and Lisa have been honest,

and I think we should respect that.

Thank you, Beth.

I mean, this is a really, really rocky time

in their relationship.

Thank you, Beth.

Why is it so rocky?

Well, they had a terrible argument last night.

About what?

Lisa got--

Beth, I really think that this is something

we'd rather keep between the two of us.

Oh, actually, Dave,

I think that this

should be dealt with openly and honestly.

Beth?

Good point.

As I was saying,

Dave called Lisa a name.

What name?

Well, what name really isn't important.

I mean, the relevant issue here is that it's hard enough for us

without being under your constant scrutiny,

so if you could just help us out a little, we'd appreciate it.

What name?

Dave...

Mm-hmm.

I think Bill deserves

an honest answer to his question.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, all right, look.

All that happened was we had a fight.

Things got a little heated, and I called her a bitch.

I just--

I called her a bitch. I mean...

[WHISTLES]

Sorry. I was just joking.

I didn't know things were going so bad between you two.

If you need to talk, I'm here.

Look, here's the number of a therapist.

He specializes in rage management.

I got this from a friend, but I hear he's very good.

My friend told me.

You know, I really like this new honesty policy.

Mm-hmm. Me too.

I'm thinking of a word right now.

Can either of you guess what it is?

Does it start with a "B"?

No. I think we're a little beyond that at this point.

Okay, everybody, listen up. When Catherine comes out of the booth,

I want everybody to yell "Surprise."

Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

Why are you so obsessed with her birthday?

Because last week it was my birthday.

Nobody remembered, and it really hurt.

Okay, this is going to be fun. Here comes Catherine.

Surprise! Go to hell.

Okay, but first, don't you want to open your present?

No.

Catherine, you're going to want to. Come on.

Please, open it.

Open it, open it, open it,

Open it, open it, ope--

Seriously, though, open it.

I put a lot of work into this.

Look, you just have to--

Fine. Fine, fine.

I love this trick.

Where is it? Hah-hah.

She thought it was something big,

but it's really...

Oh, my God.

How did you...

What is it? What is it?

It's a copy of Bill McNeal's birth certificate.

Even his mom wouldn't give me his birth date or place,

but I found out what hospital he was born at,

and then the rest was easy.

Oh, thank you, Matthew. Thank you, thank you.

You're welcome.

This is going to come in very handy on a...

"June 19th."

And if you'll see,

Bill's actually the middle name.

His first name is...

See it right there?

Oh, my God!

Everybody, drinks are on me tonight!

Drinks on you? Excellent.

Where are we going?

[SINISTER LAUGH]

Oh, this is so weird.

What's weird, Matthew?

Well, seeing you two together like this,

like a couple.

Just keep wondering...

Did you guys ever do it on my desk?

Very funny, Matthew.

Thanks.

But, seriously, did you?

No, Matthew, we never did it on your desk.

LISA: Okay, does anybody else have any questions

about our dirty little affair?

because now would be the time.

We could just get it all out. Go ahead.

Well, I don't know about anybody else,

but I don't really care what you guys do.

We do have our own lives.

Today, we just needed a chance to, you know...

Shake out the sillies.

Please don't finish my sentences for me.

You know, it is getting kind of late.

Yeah. I'm kind of tired too.

Yes, we are leaving...

Mm-hmm.

Dave and I, together.

We're going back to my--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Anyone see the Cowboys/Bears game last night?

Oh, I missed the fourth quarter. What happened?

Oh, you missed that interception in the first half?

Oh, it was unbelievable.

Okay, they're gone.

Why'd he call her that?

Maybe she called him a name first.

Even if she did, there are certain lines you just don't cross.

It's just a word. Words can't hurt.

What if I called you a name?

Go ahead. Who cares?

Okay, Evelyn.

First of all, it's pronounced "Eve-lyn."

[♪]