Original subtitles

JEREMY CLARKSON: On today's show...

How fast can a blind man get round our track?

How much Porsche can you buy for 1,500 quid?

And Britain's most successful recording artist ever,

is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

Hello, good evening and welcome to the original Mk1 Golf GTI.

Now this was cheap, practical, fun

and faster than most of the sports cars that were around at the time.

In fact, I voted for this as the greatest car of the 20th century.

Over the years, however, the Golf GTI got bigger and fatter.

And slower.

Think of it as Elvis Presley.

It started off all athletic and full of vigour,

and wound up on the lavatory,

an enormous, dribbling hulk.

The Mk IV GTI was slower from naught to 60

than a diesel-powered Skoda Octavia.

As a result, everyone who wanted a family car with a bit of style and a bit of presence

went off and bought a big, chunky off-roader.

But now, with the latest Golf, Volkswagen say,

"The true spirit of the GTI is back."

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

If that's true, if this turns out to be as good as the original,

then it will tempt people out of their gas-guzzling X5s and Porsche Cayennes.

And that would free up the cities and mend the hole in the ozone layer.

The icecaps, the Brazilian rainforest,

our baby children, they'd all be saved!

Quite literally then,

the future of the planet depends entirely on whether this car is any good.

If it is, we'll buy it. If it isn't, we'll carry on buying SUVs.

And the Earth will die.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

So, worthy stuff first.

You got a big boot, folding rear seats, lots of seat belts,

lots of air bags and lots of space.

So if you buy it with five doors, this £20,000 car will take just as many people

just as easily, as a £40,000 X5 BMW.

But unlike an X5, it doesn't use a gallon of fuel while you try to park,

it doesn't need a space five miles long

and the insurance isn't too bad either.

So what about style? This is critical.

You see, all the little sporting details on a GTI should be like,

great make-up, there, but not so as you'd notice.

I mean, look at the original.

Discreet mascara round the back window.

The wheels, the little stripe down the side.

And then at the front, subtle lip gloss around the mouth.

It's like Kelly McGillis in Witness. Amish and yet, somehow not.

They've pulled off the same trick with the new one.

It's a Golf, but because there are so many tiny little detailed changes,

somehow it's not.

I think it looks great.

And as a result, it's already having an effect on global warming.

This car is making rain,

it's nourishing crops, it's cleaning the air,

and bringing life to our parched and broken world.

Of course, because it's Golf, so many air bags and so many toys...

Look, it's even got a TV.

It weighs slightly more than South Africa.

Actually, at 1.3 tonnes, it weighs nearly twice as much as the original GTI.

But don't worry, because it has twice the power.

This two-litre turbo-charged engine

is an absolute peach.

There's torque everywhere, all over the rev-band.

Thirty miles an hour, sixth gear, foot down.

And we're off! There isn't even any turbo lag.

And, I have to say...

(ENGINE VROOMING)

It makes quite a good noise, as well.

Ooh, yes!

And it shifts.

If you order it with one of Audi's double-clutch gearboxes,

it will get from naught to 60 in 6.9 seconds,

and onwards to a 147.

You certainly can't go this fast in your Chelsea tractor, that's for sure.

So, it's fast, practical and if you avoid the garish red paint, stylish too.

It's doing well and it hasn't even played its Joker yet.

I took it out yesterday on Top Gear's secret road test route,

and it was fabulous.

It had the puppy dog enthusiasm that was completely missing from the last models.

And even here, on our soaking wet track, it feels effervescent and alive.

Joy of joys then!

Someone has put the fun back into the GTI.

This car does everything you could possibly want from a car.

I mean, you can take the children to school comfortably and safely and practically.

And then after you've dropped them off,

you can drive home like you've sat on a wasp.

This is the kind of unassuming car you can leave on the street

knowing it won't be vandalised.

And yet, you can take it to a five-star hotel

and the concierge will open the door for you.

It's like the original then.

It's all things to all men.

So, if you're looking for a sensible family car

that actually isn't sensible at all, forget off-roaders.

Save the world. Get one of these.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I agree, I agree. That is a cracking car.

But if you are thinking of getting out of a 4x4,

right now there are a lot of hot hatchets to choose from.

There's the new Citroen C4 VTS.

We've got the Seat Leon Cupra, then from Renault, there's the Megane 225.

The Mini Cooper S works, and the, I think, fantastic Honda Civic Type R.

Yeah, thing is though, they're all much of the muchness,

so what we did this morning, was we gave them all to The Stig,

and we asked him to find out how fast they go round our track.

Now, we've got the times here.

What we need to know at this point is where the Golf fits in.

So, we gave the GTI to the S-T-I...G!

(ENGINE ROARING)

Away he goes and a lot of wheel spin off the line.

-No surprise there. There is just so much torque. -(TYRES SQUEALING)

Okay, first corner, how'd it do?

Lots of tyre-squeal, but that is looking very, very tidy.

Oh, yes!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Stig beside himself with joy today,

'cause he's got a track off Cliff Richard's new album.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

That is very good, no real understeer at all.

But, of course, this is the test of front-wheel drive, it's the Hammerhead.

Cocking its rear wheel, and that's odd actually.

'Cause this GTI, unlike the original, which used to cock its wheel,

has independent suspension.

Okay, coming up to the Follow Through. He's looking quick.

Now, very quick.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

And, um...

Whoa, he's nearly off there.

That is unusual. I've never seen The Stig do that before.

First half, the Golf is on a par with the more powerful Megane 225.

Will it be able keep up?

Cutting the corner in Gambon a little bit.

-And across the line in... -Yes?

One minute, 33.7.

So, it's faster than the big, powerful Renault,

faster than the Mini, and faster than the Citroen but not as fast as that Civic.

Yeah, I mean, can we just get this straight then.

The Honda Civic Type R is faster. It's the fastest.

-Oh, yes! -Right.

-And significantly cheaper? -Oh, much cheaper.

-Right, and you'll still say the Golf is the best, right? -Yes.

Because you see, if you buy a Honda, you end up with a Honda.

-There is that. Yes. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Whereas, if you buy Volkswagen, you don't.

Honestly, if you take everything into consideration,

not just performance, but everything,

this car is a sensation.

Back in the summer, the producers of Top Gear gave each of us £1,500.

They did, which was a nice gesture.

Very nice, but then they said, we each had to go out and spend our money

on a Porsche.

That meant going through eBay and auctions and so on

and buying a proper Porsche for less than 1,500 quid.

Yes, and we've done it,

we all had to meet up in the city of London with our Porsches

and we'd be set a series of challenges

to find out which one of us had got the best deal.

Here's what happened.

This is Exchange Square in the heart of Europe's biggest financial district.

It's the spiritual home of hedges, stocks, futures, and of course, Porsches.

Though probably not ones like this.

It's what I bought though, a 23-year-old 924.

The Porsche that was designed for everyone.

I didn't spend 1,500 quid on my 924.

I didn't even spend a grand.

750 quid for my Porsche. 750 quid!

And the lights pop up!

I was feeling pleased until I saw what James had bought.

(HAMMOND LAUGHING)

You've got a 944! In white!

This lady looks all right from, like, a really big distance.

What do you mean, "From a distance"?

It looks all right close-up, I think.

This has got a 2.5-litre, four-cylinder engine.

And it had a proper Porsche-developed engine.

Whereas, I think, your car has the engine from a VW van.

What's His Nibs going to have got?

Well, I'm expecting him to have got one of those, to be honest.

CLARKSON: In fact, His Nibs had been rather more ambitious.

HAMMOND: Oh, my... (LAUGHING) He's got a 928!

CLARKSON: Absolutely, a 928.

No everyman Porsche for me.

This one has a 4.7-litre V8.

MAY: I thought a 944 at most.

Gentlemen, I give you a timeless classic.

A proper Porsche.

Jeremy, you got a 928 on our budget?

Beneath this rather faded, ruined exterior

beats a heart of pure arthritis.

-HAMMOND: Ha! That cannot... -Come and have a look at this.

Come and have a look at this.

HAMMOND: It's even full of junk!

No, no, these are the water bottles, which are a little bit necessary...

Ah! Got ya!

...in order to make it, kind of, move.

Do you not think you may have overreached yourself a bit?

Well, I've seen one for more than this advertised as "Spares".

CLARKSON: Well, I'd love to have a look at what you've got.

-This looks quite good actually. -HAMMOND: From a distance.

Looks, it's... It's been in a canal at some point.

Hey, now! (CLEARS THROAT) Survey the magnificence.

CLARKSON: This one has the van engine.

-HAMMOND: It has a good, simple... -Van engine.

I don't know what that is.

HAMMOND: We got three Porsche's, that's the thing.

We did get three Porsches.

MAY: Pretty ropey. CLARKSON: Van.

That's scrap, mine looks pretty good.

Let's have a look at what the challenge is.

Can we have an envelope, please? Thank you very much.

-CLARKSON: Thank you. -Ah!

"Veteran cars can make it from London to Brighton, but can you?"

-No. -No. Absolutely...

-(ALL LAUGHING) -So that's out of... But why do it?

"Five points are lost for each time you have to open the bonnet en route."

Well, that's thousands for you.

-(LAUGHING) Oh, no! -Throw the bonnet away.

"Rendezvous on the seafront to receive your next challenge,

"assuming you make it... Jeremy."

-So Brighton, basically, from here in our Porsches. -How far is that?

-In miles... -CLARKSON: It's, uh, 70 miles.

MAY: I'm very confident.

Well, I'll see you in the seaside then, chaps.

No, you won't. But, all right, let's go!

I've got a wide range of warning lights on already.

HAMMOND: We are on the way... to Brighton

in our Porsches.

CLARKSON: This was a hugely advanced car when it first came out.

Polyurethane bumpers.

Um... First car ever to have passive, rear-wheel steering.

I've always, always...

Oh, my God! I've got steam.

Is Jeremy breaking down?

CLARKSON: Uh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.

Did he say, "I've got some speed" or "I've got some steam"?

CLARKSON: No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.

Garage!

Oh, there is a God.

-Look, it won't need all this. -No, no. Right.

Is it really coming out the bottom?

Yeah, it's coming out faster than you're putting it in.

Needs a bit more.

-Jeremy? -What?

It's leaking faster and faster now.

CLARKSON: Is there this much water in England?

MAY: And still it goes in.

Every single fluid is gushing out of it.

Can you go and see if they've got any eggs, Richard?

Jeremy and Richard have gone off inside to buy an egg,

in the hope that we can use that old trick of mixing the egg white

into the cooling system, and that will find and block...

This. This is Hammond's contribution.

He's bought himself a chocolate egg.

-Well, eggs work, this is the only one I could find. -Put it in.

Put it in, it can't do any harm.

Fifteen litres and it's full.

-Have you seen this? -Holy (BLEEP)!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

There's another puddle!

It's fine, it's just a little... Look, it's a dribble.

With all the water from the Thames Valley in my cooling system,

and a chocolate egg, we were back on the road.

We're off.

Well, that was a complete farce.

Where did this car pass its MOT?

Iran, perhaps?

Our progress was good, for, ooh, it must have been another two miles

and then it was James's turn to grind the convoy to a halt, with a puncture.

Guys, who thought of this was a sensible idea?

To buy three Porsches, we've done four miles.

MAY: No, no, you could have had a puncture in any car.

-But you didn't! -(ALL LAUGH)

You can't open the boot, 'cause that...

(CLARKSON SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

CLARKSON: Luckily, we were able to hot-wire the remains of the remote boot release.

MAY: Anything?

Yes!

There you go, James.

Unfortunately, the spare was flat and bald.

So we had to take the original punctured tyre up the road to get it fixed.

-Mine's working perfectly now. -MAY: No, it's not.

It is.

-I'll race you to Brighton. -All right.

How many points off is this? And where's my eclair?

He only gave me two.

Unfortunately, while I was gorging myself on chocolate,

down the road, my car was emptying itself of yet more fluids.

Ooh, my God!

-Is that petrol? -Yeah.

So, it's leaking petrol out of the back...

-Should we stand some distance from it? -And, uh...

There's steam coming out of the front.

It's still leaking.

CLARKSON: That might explain the rather poor fuel consumption I got

coming to London last night.

And the trail of fire following you.

CLARKSON: Happily, the brave men of Brixton helped us fix it.

You're a superstar.

And once again, we were under way.

Although, a little behind schedule.

In fact, we had set off six hours earlier.

And we were still in South London

and things were still going wrong.

(LAUGHING) What's this?

While I was laughing at James though, my car went wrong again.

Oh, you're not gonna believe it.

My coolant warning light has come on.

It's going to break.

CLARKSON: The question we'd asked ourselves this morning

was whether you could buy a decent Porsche for less than £1,500.

The answer was becoming obvious.

(CLARKSON AND HAMMOND LAUGH)

It's all hanging off in the wind!

Hey, hey, hey, that's five points!

-I'm sorry. It's overheating again. -How many points is that.

Well, that's five points, then.

CLARKSON: It's boiled 15 litres of water.

My kettle couldn't boil them in three miles.

HAMMOND: Well, this is bigger than your kettle.

This time, we're gonna go more than three miles without having to stop, okay?

HAMMOND: So, this is it, the long run.

Brighton, here we come.

We're going by Porsche power!

At last, the open road to Brighton.

CLARKSON: Hey, I'll tell you something interesting.

As I speak to you now, all is well.

Yes, we were on our way.

Nothing could stop us now.

(CLATTERING)

-(ENGINE STOPS) -HAMMOND: Once again, I see through the traffic ahead,

what appears to be a small... No, make that a large fire.

Oh, dear, Jeremy's car does appear to be genuinely broken.

(LAUGHING) It's... I can't see anything!

CLARKSON: I've had steam from the front, water from underneath

and now I've got smoke from the back.

When will I get to Brighton?

Uh, steam from the front.

Finally, seven hours and six breakdowns after we started, we hit the motorway.

Where, apart from its structural weaknesses,

James's 944 was going well.

And surprisingly, mine wasn't holding up too badly either.

For the first time today,

I have no warning light on the dashboard.

All is well.

Apart from, you know, the rear window screen wiper,

and the electric window, and the electric door mirrors, and the stereo and the clock,

and the air conditioning, and the speedometer, and the milometer,

and the piston ring that's eating the engine,

and the big smoke coming out of the back...

Everything's fine.

Hammond's lowly 924, though, was the star of the show.

See, I'm cruising on the motorway...

Oh, rather taking on the motorway

in my Porsche for 750 quid.

It's fantastic!

An hour later, we were just outside Brighton.

And guess what's missing from this picture.

Probably should go back and look for him.

That would be the caring thing to do. But...

He wouldn't do it for me.

We're at... This is Brighton!

I mean, I knew we'd make it, obviously.

I knew I'd get here. Yes!

Apart from losing Jeremy, the only problem we had was James's enormous new spoiler.

MAY: (MUMBLES) Three, two, one...

HAMMOND: 1,500 quid Porsches, I'm not sure.

Our rendezvous point was the seafront,

where there was still no sign of Clarkson.

MAY: I think he'll still turn up.

Why don't we have a look at the next challenge?

Work out whether or not he's likely to be in it.

-You have our challenge, man? Thank you very much. -Thank you.

Okay.

"Challenge two, it's max Porsche time.

"You must use the change from your 1,500 budget

"to modify your car and generally improve it.

"Reconvene at the Top Gear base

"where an independent adjudicator from the Porsche Owners Club

"will judge your work."

The change, have you got any change? I've got a bit of change.

A bit of change, yeah.

I'm very confident Jeremy hasn't got any change.

Oh, I really doubt it.

And speaking of the devil...

That's the fastest your car's been all day.

But it's still using more fuel than mine even sitting on there.

What have you got to say about your car?

The bonnet hasn't been up.

Yeah, well... Has it welded itself shut with all the heat?

Well, apart from the other times, I didn't lift it.

There was such a big bang.

-You don't know about the next challenge, do you? -How much?

-We've already... We've already revealed. -Oh, yes!

-Yes! -What is the next challenge?

Well, you gotta spend the change from your 1,500 quid budget...

-Yeah. -Yeah...

And with that, you've got to improve your car as much as possible,

and have it judged by an independent adjudicator

who's from the Porsche Owners Club.

-Yup. -So, you can spend all of the money

from your 1,500 quid that you didn't spend on your car, on your car.

CLARKSON: How much have you got left?

Um, I spent 750 quid on my car,

so I have got 750 quid to spend on improving it.

And I spent 900 quid on my car,

which gives me 600 quid to spend improving it.

How much did you spend on your car?

-(MUTTERS) 1,500. -Sorry?

-1,500. -HAMMOND: (LAUGHS) You've got 1,500...

So you've got nothing to spend on improving.

-It's not improving it, it's getting it going! -(ALL LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CLARKSON: Why are they applauding?

Well, back to business.

The scores. So, after that Brighton run,

I'd like to point out, I didn't open my bonnet once.

So I don't lose any points. So that's a zero in there.

James, you had one breakdown, we agreed.

That counts, so that's minus five for you.

Jeremy, you had seven. So that's minus...

No, I didn't, I didn't, I had six break...

-Six! -BOTH: That's seven.

Look, the AA man came, right, and I said to him,

"Don't open the bonnet I'll lose five points."

-He was a bit confused. -(ALL LAUGH)

But I said that, the thing is is that you know the 928's got no cylinder liners,

so the broken piston ring is going (MIMICS) just chewing the engine to pieces.

So I said, "You're not gonna be able to fix that at the side of the A23, so..."

And how is that not a breakdown, mate?

-The engine's falling out. -Come on.

-You must... Is that... Does that count? -ALL: Yes!

It's a breakdown.

It's a breakdown. As I was saying... Minus 35.

Great start!

Right, after that, we had to address the issue of fuel economy.

Now the target here was 25 miles to the gallon on the trip to Brighton.

I did exactly 25 miles to the gallon.

So that means, I scored no points, but I don't lose any point either,

-more to the point. -Yep.

-You Hammond, you did 27 miles to the gallon. -Right.

-Which gives you plus 10 points, two mpg over... -Oh, yes, yes!

-That's good. -Uh, Jeremy, you did seven.

-(ALL LAUGHING) -No, no!

Again, no, I put the petrol into the tank, it went straight out.

It didn't go anywhere near the engine.

And it didn't go back in the pump either. It went into your car!

-Come on! You're not gonna... It's not seven... -Well, this is pathetic!

-AUDIENCE: No! -Thank you. So, as we were saying, minus 90.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Minus... Oh, for God's sake! -HAMMOND: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, anyway, we have a chance, when we came back,

I had the chance to make up some ground.

Because, um, we were given another challenge, which I have here.

Let me read it out for you, okay?

"The reason why middle-aged men such as you", that would be us, "buy Porsches

"is because they're having a midlife crisis.

"Each of you must place an ad in a lonely hearts column

"and you'll refer to the car you've bought.

"Five points for each reply."

So, James...

Why don't you read out your advertisement that you placed, genuinely, in wherever it was.

"41-year-old man with sensitive hair..."

(ALL LAUGHING)

"41-year-old man with sensitive hair, drives Porsche 944 Lux,

"seeks brewery heiress or similar,

"must have liberal attitude to motorcycle components in the bath."

-And how many replies did you get? -Well, three, actually.

Three replies, so that's 15 points.

-Okay, there you go. -Okay. Uh, Hammond?

Uh, well, my advert went like this.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) "Porsche 924 owner..." Got it in first.

"...Good-looking, mild-mannered, snappy dresser, 5'11", would like to..."

-CLARKSON: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! -(ALL LAUGH)

-5'11"? -Mild-mannered?

It's a lonely hearts ad. If I put "angry, short bloke," I won't get any replies.

Big it up, talk it up.

-So how many replies did you get? -None.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So that would be a big, fat naught for you.

-What about you? -My ad.

Uh, "Porsche 928 driver, that's the V8 one,

-"Tall..." -Did you actually put "That's the V8 one"?

-Yeah, look, there. "That's the V8 one". -That's the one. Okay.

"Tall, slim hips, likes books with speedboats on the cover,

"would like to meet someone for friendship. Maybe more."

Can I just point out... Do you know where he put that advert?

He put that ad in the "Men Seeking Men" column.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Frankly, a moment of genius that,

'cause I recognised that men would like the V8 thing.

-But did they? -Yeah. I got two replies.

So, look! Plus 10 for me!

Okay, right. We have to move on now.

We'll come back to the Porsche film later on.

But now, time to meet a guest.

He is basically a national institution.

And like Kylie and Elvis, he is known by his first name alone.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Harry Webb!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

How are you?

Nice to see you.

-Have a seat. -Thank you.

Hello. Hi!

Wow.

This is stunning 'cause up-close, you're even younger than you are

-from far away! -No!

I'd better get closer... If I look younger.

This is unbelievable. Have you ever seen... How old are you now?

-Uh, 44. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That's kind of a lie. You a pensioner yet?

-Did you make pension wage? -I think I got my bus pass,

and I think I could actually collect heating allowance.

-Heating allowance? -Yes.

Yeah, but that's not gonna be necessary because...

Well, that's no good to me. How can you heat eight houses with?

With £100 a week? No, it's 100, £100. What is it?

-You look like the sort of... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT SPEAKING)

-It's £109. £109 a what? A minute? -A week.

A week?

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

But things are going very well for you because I've been doing some checking up

-and as it turns out... -Yeah.

Your Christmas calendar is outselling David Beckham's.

-What, again? -(ALL LAUGHING)

That's stunning! I find that amazing!

'Cause what's the great statistic of yours, which is you've had a number one

-in the '50s, '60s, '70s, '80s and '90s. -Yes.

The Noughties is gonna be really difficult.

The competition is much greater.

There's less help. You have to do all the work yourself.

I work harder now as a 44-year-old than I did when I was 18.

Promoting an album and things, it's really difficult.

You have to go from one... From pillar to post every day, all day till Christmas.

Get on one of those X Factor shows.

Bish, bash, bosh. Job done, number one.

And then into the jungle and...

(ALL LAUGHING)

-And then back out again. -Jeremy, would you do the jungle?

Are you allowed to take a luxury in there?

You will not say... I'd take gaffer tape to shut Janet Street-Porter.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) -(ALL CHEERING)

"Shut up!"

Anyway, when you began, of course you were the kind of British Elvis.

And this was reflected I guess in the cars that you were buying.

'Cause you went for American stuff, didn't you?

Yes, it wasn't just Elvis. The whole American scene, you know...

The rock and roll was car-driving music.

You know, Chuck Berry wrote...

* No particular place to go... *

And it was all... The cars were the romantic image of rock and roll.

So, yeah. The first car I ever had was a Sunbeam Alpine,

which was a really nice, top off and all that.

But then my next car was a Cadillac Fleetwood.

And then the one after that was a Ford Thunderbird, then a Corvette Stingray.

And I went for that American look, and when you think about it...

Can you imagine pulling up alongside a Ford Anglia in a Cadillac?

-It was three times longer. -Mmm-hmm.

I must've been... I must've looked like a real flash berk.

(LAUGHING)

But I didn't care. It was rock and roll.

You could've had a Zephyr.

Well, they were the British rock and roll car, I have to say,

but I had no desire for that.

I really went for the comfort.

I mean, the Cadillac funnily enough, the Cadillac still...

The engine motored really well.

But a chrome, I could hear chrome falling off.

(MIMICS CLATTERING) "Oh, there goes the bumper!"

-Yeah. -They do... They had a built-in obsolescence.

I guess because they were relatively cheap when you think about it.

-In America, particularly. -Well, they were. They still are.

I mean, American cars now, you know, they're only £3.50.

And then you start the engine for the first time, you find out why.

-(ALL LAUGHING) -It just all disintegrated!

Now, can I bring this up?

You see, you're a Christian man, we know this.

Now, James May

has this theory that if you drive in a Christian fashion through London,

you go just as fast as people like me,

-who drive like our hair's on fire. -(LAUGHS)

Would you subscribe to that? If you let people out of side turnings...

I would. I think that sometimes when people see that you let people out,

you get let through yourself.

And then miraculously you get to the M25

and, oh, my goodness, it's clear. Thank you!

-You see, I don't do that. -(LAUGHS)

I just shout at the person in front, flash my lights until they pull over.

"Get out of the way, old bag!" Not you.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Get out of the way, for crying out loud!

On the whole, (CHUCKLES)

with the traffic the way it is, it seems to me that if you can...

-If you gain two minutes you're lucky. -Yeah.

No matter how you drive really.

I've got a very difficult road to come out of, my estate that I live in.

I come out to a fairly main road.

And usually, like a week before Christmas, people slow down to go...

They go like that. And so, I've often gone...

It's so difficult to believe that they actually let you out.

-But at Christmastime people do become rather nice. -Really?

-Oh, yeah. -Hmm... Then again,

-500 horsepower, get out of the way! -(LAUGHING)

Speaking of this estate, that you live in...

-It's St George's Hill, isn't it? -Yeah.

Which is in Weybridge.

Now, I'm guessing that you've got kind of monogrammed electric gates.

-Am I right? -(STUTTERING)

-'Cause mine just break all the time. -Don't buy cheap gates!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-That is a good theory 'cause... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

That's a good theory.

Mine were made in France and only one opens.

So I can only go home in like, really narrow cars,

to sneak through the one gate that opens.

Mine's been really good actually.

Obviously, you have to have them serviced regularly,

but they just happen to have "C" on them by chance

because the house name begins with C.

Oh, right, yeah! I believe that! I absolutely believe that!

Oh, right. So, your lap. How was it out there?

Well, do you know, the most terrifying part of it,

forgive me, The Stig, was when he drove me around.

I'm looking at this bunch of tyres coming at me at 78 mph.

I'm thinking... (GASPS LOUDLY)

-Like this. -(ALL LAUGHING)

And of course he knows, he's gonna brake, make the turn...

I think it's really hard. We all must need a week to practise it,

-and then drive the lap. -Yes! That's true.

Because we do have some footage of one of your practices.

-(LAUGHS) -Who'd like to see that?

-AUDIENCE: Yes! -Let's put it on the TV.

I know the bit you're gonna show.

-CLARKSON: Second to last corner again. -(TYRES SQUEALING)

-Ooh! Like it! -(WEBB LAUGHING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-Very good. -Yeah.

Ah, goodness me!

After this spin, we had, uh...

Well, we had the lap, didn't we?

Yeah, well, I tried a couple of times and I...

It got... For me, it got better, but I have to say, I...

It's a new insight as to what I look at

when you see cars that are racing about 150 miles an hour.

-You're not in that, frankly. -Not in this apparently.

The Liana...

-You're struggling to top 80 coming up that back straight. -I know. Yes.

-Okay. -I did 90 on that last straight.

-90! -9...

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

I wanna see this lap. Who'd like to see it?

-AUDIENCE: Yes! -I think it's... Let's put it on.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

-Good start, Cliff. -I love that.

CLARKSON: Good start. Would you describe yourself as a keen driver?

SIR CLIFF: I like driving. I'm not sure I would like to do this forever.

You know, I find this is really difficult. I mean...

-Driving I like. -That's not half bad.

-CLARKSON: That's a good line through that corner. -Is it?

CLARKSON: Yep.

-This one... Yes. -(TYRES SQUEALING)

Now, you see, Christian Slater the other day, he nearly hit the cameraman doing that.

Far too aggressive. Now you...

SIR CLIFF: (LAUGHING) This is... look at...

CLARKSON: That's a look of determination there!

Oh, yes!

Too fast through there, that's cost you a second.

SIR CLIFF: Now, this is the one...

This is the one where you could pick up the speed.

-I love that bend. -CLARKSON: Yeah, that's really good.

SIR CLIFF: Once The Stig had said to me,

"Don't worry, just keep going. Keep your foot flat down."

-There! That's the bit... That's the bit I loved. -CLARKSON: Whoa!

CLARKSON: So you do it to 90 before that or is it...

SIR CLIFF: One of them. I don't know whether they...

I think it was the last one I did 90.

CLARKSON: And across the line! There we are.

That looks like a pretty good lap.

So...

-That was tough stuff, I have to say. -Where do you think?

-Where do you think I might fit? -Where do you think?

We've got some pretty useless people down here.

And there we got Jimmy Carr and Simon Cowell sitting up there at the top.

I think probably I should be below Wogan.

That will stop him talking about it.

Actually he's not the bottom one. I see the...

-No, Richard Whiteley is! -Richard!

Richard Whiteley, where he was blinded by his jacket!

Oh, my God. Well, I don't think I was much faster than that, was I? If I was...

You did it in one minute...

-...and 50 seconds. -No!

-You are well up here. -(SCREAMS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-An exclusive club! -Fantastic!

The same as Lionel Richie, the same as Patrick Stewart,

same as Jamie Oliver, same as Gordon Ramsay...

The same, I'm ashamed to say it, as me!

Well, I have to say... (LAUGHS)

-What a claim to fame. -I am thrilled.

I'm the same speed as Cliff Richard!

What about that?

It's been an absolute pleasure having you here. Very well done.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Cliff Richard! -Thank you.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -Thank you. Thank you.

Hey! I love that!

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Now, we get loads of letters every week from punters

saying they wanna come here and drive round our track.

And we put them all in the bin.

Anyhow, we got one the other day from a chap who said

that he could come here and drive our Reasonably Priced Car round the track,

faster than Richard Whiteley.

Now, Richard Whiteley, as I'm sure you know, is sitting at the bottom here,

so you might think, "No big deal."

But we read on and discovered that the chap who'd written the letter

was blind, so obviously we had to get him down here. We have.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Baxter!

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -Hi, Billy.

-How are you, mate? -Hello, Jeremy.

Now...

How...

How blind are you?

Well, on a scale of 1 to 10, Jeremy, um, blind as a bat.

I can't actually see nothing. I'm totally black blind.

If people close their eyes tight shut, that is what I actually see, Jeremy.

That's how blind, okay.

Now presumably, you must have had sight at some point in your life,

to have learned to drive a car.

Uh, I did indeed. I was a soldier. I served with the British Army,

with 1 RHA for just short of 21 years.

I lost my sight while serving in Bosnia in 1997.

I contracted a very rare eye disease that ate both my optic nerves.

Well, I think it was a very brave thing to write to us

and say that you could do this.

Um, okay, so we got Billy down and we gave him some practise

with me obviously in the passenger seat saying,

"Left a bit, right a bit, we got a bit of a code going between us."

So, who would like to see the result?

-Yes? -AUDIENCE: Yes!

Okay, let's play the tape.

(TYRE SCREECHING)

Straight. Keep it straight. Keep it straight. This is good.

And strike the right click. Right click. And straighten.

And left!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Left, left, left, left, left.

Straighten. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left. And right!

Right, hard. You're in Chicago now. So, right.

And straighten.

And go!

Okay, coming up to the Hammerhead in about 500 yards. Right click.

Right click.

Nice. Right, right, right!

And straighten. And go!

Go, go, go!

Right!

Go left. Sorry. And that's right, my fault!

You okay?

Cool! I'm not! (CHUCKLES)

Right click. And left!

-Okay, you got it? There's the bump. -Yeah.

Ready... Left!

No, no, right. Left.

That's nice. That is nice. And straighten. And left click.

Last corner. Doing good. And left!

And you're across the line!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

Now... You wanna know the time, don't you?

I have no idea. I think it took us about five hours, didn't it?

It felt like five hours.

-That first corner... -Literally, I put my life in your hands.

-To be fair... -(ALL LAUGHING)

The screaming worked well in the end, didn't it?

No, it was just that. When I said to you... 'Cause I was so relieved

-when you got round the first corner... -So was I!

I went... I'd gone, "Left!" and I thought, "All right, he's done it."

And then thought, "Oh, my God, he's still going left! No! Right! Right!

"The other left! Other left!" And the tyres are coming towards...

-Anyway, I've got your time. -Oh, crikey.

You wanted to beat Richard Whiteley, two minutes six.

-Yeah. -You did it,

-two minutes, two seconds! -Yes!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

You've not only beaten... You've not only beaten Richard Whiteley,

you've beaten Terry Wogan as well!

Wogan has been beaten by a blind man!

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Was it fun from where you were? -It was absolutely terrifying.

It's like, my driving test but 10 times worse.

It was an amazing experience. It just shows what can be done.

Yeah, well, I think you're a fantastic person.

Absolutely brilliant! Thanks for coming down. Billy Baxter!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

-That was pretty remarkable. -Absolutely Incredible. Yeah.

Anyway, we must get on with our Porsche story.

If you weren't watching earlier,

each of us was given £1,500 and told to go off and buy a Porsche.

We were then told to drive them to Brighton.

And when we got there, we were told we had to spend the change

from our 1,500 quid on doing the cars up.

Well, that was gonna be a bit of a problem for Jeremy,

because he'd blown all 1,500 quid on his rubbish 928,

and he had arrived in Brighton on the back of a low loader,

which meant he was gonna have to get it going first and then do it up.

On a budget of... Well, nothing.

Tall order!

Well, there are three shapes there

so presumably Jeremy's car made it

but let's start by seeing what changes James has made.

It looks exactly the same.

-Is this putty? -No, it's bathroom sealant.

(LAUGHING)

-HAMMOND: Look at the door handle. -I can't open it!

It's an old cabinet! (LAUGHING)

MAY: I'd run out of money!

MAY: Okay, so the interior was a Homebase bodge job,

but my secret weapon was the gleaming condition of my engine bay.

-How did you clean it? -With a man.

He's just spent his money on a man.

You think that the Porsche judge man coming down

is just gonna be interested in concourse, aren't you?

-Yeah. -I'd forgotten it was a Porsche judge.

You'll be down at the old Pringle, probably.

I've been thinking ahead, here.

-Right. -You haven't done that.

MAY: In fact Hammond had given his 924 sporting credentials it didn't deserve.

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -Look at that!

-It's the flames! -I did those with a bit a help from an art college friend.

You see, they're the Golf racing colours.

I've just seen the gear knob.

HAMMOND: Yes. That's quite a nice addition, I like that.

Can I just explain? I spent my money in the pursuit of performance

so it's been lowered, it's on new springs, new suspension.

It's on lower profile tyres. It's a track car!

-James! -HAMMOND: Well...

MAY: Oh, no. HAMMOND: I found it...

CLARKSON: You put a turbo on it!

HAMMOND: Not actually, no. CLARKSON: Is this the turbo?

No, that's the... No, no. None of those are the turbos.

-Well, well done. -MAY: Good job you fitted the air intake.

MAY: Right. Let's see what Jeremy has achieved with no money.

-(LAUGHING) Blackboard paint? -Jeremy, you clot.

You're supposed to put the underseal on the bottom of the car.

-You know those old Capris? The black bonnets? -That's what I was going for.

-I thought I'd copy it. -Right.

Only I went over a bit, so I just kept going.

HAMMOND: Whereas this looks much better, obviously!

-How many cylinders has it got these days? -Six and three-quarters.

HAMMOND: I'm less worried having seen yours.

CLARKSON: But laughing at each other was not a scientific measure.

Our efforts had to be judged by the chairman of the judges of the famously fastidious,

Porsche Owners Club of Great Britain.

-MAN: Good morning, gentlemen. -May. M-A-Y.

M-A-Y.

-And the registration, please, Mr May. -I don't know.

Could you open the tailgate for me? Is it possible?

I'll have a go.

Don't break it!

The original door pull was missing from the car,

and it's a very, very difficult component to get a hold of these days,

so I substituted the kitchen unit drop handle.

And that, as you can see from the shape is the rear windscreen wiper.

Hmm. It's just that it all looks like Tipp-Ex to me.

Yeah that's... Well, I think that's because it is Tipp-Ex.

Oh, really?

CLARKSON: And now for the big moment.

Come and see this, gentlemen.

CLARKSON: James' sparkling engine bay.

MAN: All original fittings?

All original, simply cleaned and polished.

No fancy tricks, just...

-Elbow grease. -That's what we like to see.

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

I'm a bit worried about the originality of the colour.

No, it's not an original colour.

Have you seen the Blackbird, the SR-71?

Yes. Yup. There you go!

So not original, better!

Could we just have a peak? Can you just flick the bonnet up for us? Thanks.

There you go.

-Ah! Yes, that's... Yeah. -That's rather vulgar.

I think bling.

Really can't give you any points for the seats.

But you can't knock many off,

because there's nothing wrong with if they're not there.

True.

Original stickers.

-Yes, they are. -They are real.

-Are they? -One point for that then.

Right.

-Probably the most valuable bit... -Yes.

...of the car.

That's not real, obviously.

-MAN: What does that do? -Nothing.

CLARKSON: While the judges retired to do their scoring,

we dived into the next challenge.

"All your cars have a sporting pedigree.

"Each Porsche must set a lap time in the hands of The Stig.

"You will gain a point for every second under one minute, 35,

"lose a point for every second over.

-(ENGINE STALLING) -(HAMMOND SNORTS)

-(ENGINE STARTS) -There, it started. See the black smoke.

HAMMOND: Look at all the smoke!

That is just mist on a lovely, lovely morning. There's a little bit of mist.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Look at that! No!

It's gassing everything down there.

-It's stopping. -It's not stopping.

It's going round the corner, James.

-Look at it, look at it. -MAY: Smoked during the braking as well.

CLARKSON: Let's just ease back a bit.

HAMMOND: More than that!

-HAMMOND: More than that! -Oh-ho-ho!

CLARKSON: What was the time? What was the time? HAMMOND: 1:45.

What a machine, what a machine.

-MAY: What a stink. -Let's see what yours can do then!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Those second-hand tyres are really holding!

It's already several seconds ahead.

CLARKSON: I wonder if James's grout will hold as he hits...

HAMMOND: That's a very good point!

CLARKSON: Little bit of smoke there, James!

It was what?

Yeah. Well, it was lighter. You only had two cylinders less,

-so it's gonna be bit lighter one. -So it did it?

-1:43. -1:43. That's faster than Jeremy's. (LAUGHS)

-It was only two seconds! -(ENGINE REVVING)

This is kind of everything for me.

-It is. You need this to work. -MAN: Three, two...

The wheels are smaller because I've put it on lower profile tyres, so the...

CLARKSON: Yeah, you have better acceleration.

HAMMOND: Exactly, better acceleration.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It was making a bit of a grinding noise as it set off.

HAMMOND: Well, now, there is a wheel-bearing issue.

And I had a choice, replace the wheel bearing or do the suspension,

so the wheel may come off.

CLARKSON: The wheel may come off and kill The Stig.

-So? -MAY: Oh, he looks good.

-All of that effort... -Yes.

All of those low-profile tyres...

Yes.

Slower than his.

Yes, but if I'd left it standard,

it would've been a lot slower than a 944!

(HAMMOND AND CLARKSON LAUGHING)

It's not funny!

All he had was a clean engine!

-MAY: Have you finished? -Yep, that'll do.

MAY: Now, get your hand off me bonnet.

(LAUGHING)

The next challenge is called "Elevenses."

"Each driver must use his Porsche to see who can create

"the longest number 11 skid mark on the track."

-This should be a well-oiled attempt, this. -Yeah.

There's no shortage of oil under the bonnet.

-(LAUGHING) -Right, let's see what he does then.

Okay, James!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

-Not bad. -Actually, it isn't.

It isn't bad, I know. He did quite well there.

Hang on, the tape measure. Grab this.

-(CLEARS THROAT) -Should I go down?

HAMMOND: I've never seen him do anything that lairy!

-That is 31 feet. -Not bad.

Don't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate.

-Well done. -Did you get that?

-That's four inches? -MAY: That's quite good.

Yeah. That was me the other day in a Bentley.

Go!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

CLARKSON: Amazing.

MAY: All right. Give me the end.

It is 35 feet, he's beaten you.

It can do something!

However, my V6 and three-quarters is coming now.

To be honest...

To be brutally honest, my car with its V6 and three-quarter engine

and an automatic gearbox, can't do smoking starts.

So I'll have to be ingenious.

The life remaining in that car can now be calculated in yards.

Yeah, right. Three, two, one... Let her rip.

(BOTH LAUGH)

He's just driven away!

MAY: Let's give him an inch. HAMMOND: Okay, it's an inch.

-Guys... -That's an inch.

-Yeah? -That wasn't my best start.

(BOTH TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

I've had a great idea. Stand back.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Imagine what he was like as a child!

If you were from the region of China just near Tibet...

And you're a mile in the sky!

...you'd look and you go, (IN ASIAN ACCENT) "Oh, someone write 11!"

This is all just rubbish! That's not an 11, is it?

...39, 40, 41, 42 yards!

HAMMOND: The judges would have to decide on Jeremy's Asian number 11,

but in the meantime, we had our final challenge to think about.

"We hope you enjoyed owning your Porsches."

(CHUCKLING) "Each of you must now sell your cars,

"and points will be awarded

"for the money you make over the £1,500 you originally spent."

That's not in good shape.

Yours isn't in good shape.

-Mine's got my name on it. -But we're better off.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I've got my name on it.

I'm gonna have to find a short bloke called Richard Hammond

who wants a car with no carpet.

-Who's going to buy it from me? -Nobody!

Right. Now, the scores. The scores. Here we go.

So after all of that, after the elevenses

and his Tibetan squiggle was disqualified, no points there.

-Predictable. -This is where we stand with the scores.

James and I are separated by just two points on 27 and 29.

Then there's a bit of a gap.

(ALL LAUGHING)

He's struggling! Minus 122!

Everything to play for here.

And really it kinda depends on how much we got when we sold the cars.

So, James, how much did you sell your 944 for?

-£1,400! -Well done.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

So you lost £100 so that's 100 points off there.

So that puts you on minus 73.

CLARKSON: Minus 73, so what about you?

-Aah! -(ALL LAUGHING)

I haven't really... I haven't sold it.

-Haven't or couldn't? -Bit of both, I suspect.

Nobody would buy it from you, so...

Well, the point is, I think I'm about to lose 1,500 points.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So that's not good.

-CLARKSON: Oh, I'm sweating. -1,500...

-So that's minus 1,471. -This a great moment.

I think that means I'm probably out of it. (LAUGHS)

Well, no.

The only consolation is you're coming second.

I sold mine for £1,800!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Nobody bought that heap of junk!

I'm sorry, I don't believe you.

I'm the winner, thanks to my genius.

Because I realised I couldn't actually sell the car as a car

'cause technically it sort of wasn't any more,

-so I sold it in bits. -What?

I sold it as spares. I got £1,200 for the wings and the doors.

And I was a bit short so what I did...

What I did... Well, you're not gonna believe it, okay?

-Are you ready for this? Ready? -Yes.

And I've sold these already at a pre-sale, 600 quid.

Look!

You've turned your car... You've turned your car into a living room!

-Yes! -What?

-Oh, no! -The engine.

My engine, my ruined engine, is now a coffee table.

The seats, which are nice and kitsch.

I've mounted, I've turned them kind of into chairs

and I've left the electric motors in there, so...

-I can slide backwards and forwards. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Took them down the market, bloke gave me 600 quid, for the lot.

-I am gutted. -You bet you are.

And so on that bombshell of me coming up from behind,

we have to end.

Now, next week, unfortunately some sportsmen are pretending they've got personality

so we're going out at 7:00.

We'll see you then. Good night!