All language subtitles for Shameless USA - S03E09 - Frank the Plumber

I don't really know what happened
on Shameless last week.

Call once you find out.

-I'm home now.
-Mandy.

I know you're seeing Lip.
Like I told him, I think it's great.

You knew Karen was in town, didn't you?

You got a problem with me being here,
just say so.

- Have a problem with you being here.
-What do you want?

Take your clothes off.

-Plumber's apprentice.
-You have experience?

- I fixed our toilet.
-You shook the handle. Here's one.

Barista at the Coffee Beanery.

Jimmy. Andy from med school.

You remember Adam Britt,
Nick St a this, Mark.

We're grabbing dinner tomorrow night.
You should join us.

TERRY: She's gonna fuck the faggot
out of you, kid.

And you're goddamn gonna watch.

SHEILA: Karen.
-Ah!

You told me you came home
to be with Hymie...

...but you told the Wongs
to come take Hymie.

Deadbolts, front and back.
Frank's not allowed in anymore.

Frank, I'm Chris.
Would you be my sponsor?

My previous sponsor moved out.

-What, he lived with you?
-Yeah.

I'm sorry, let me introduce myself properly.
Frank Gallagher.

-Good night, Frank.
-Good night, Christopher.

-What do you think?
-Great for a coke orgy, not for an office job.

-This is my nicest dress.
-No, I know. I didn't say it wasn't nice.

- I just said you can't wear it to an office.
-You said coke orgy.

You okay?

-Uh, yeah, just tired. Didn't sleep well.
-Take a nap later.

Ah, naps are for kids and college students.
I gotta go to work.

-Are you sure I can't--?
-Hundred percent sure.

-You got an extra one?
-You're gonna be late.

Got nothing to wear. Gonna see what 4 has.

-Is your new job at a strip club?
-Ha, ha.

-I wasn't kidding.
-It's a temp office job.

I don't know
how long the day's gonna be.

I expect all of you to help with dinner,
get your homework done...

-...and avoid setting the house on fire.
-Overcompensating.

She feels guilty
for turning us into latchkey kids.

What's a latchkey kid?

Hey. I left some stuff here that I need.

-Is it wrong if I just leave for school?
-Later.

All right.

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHING]

-What's funny?
-Garfield.

He's always so hungry.

-What are you reading?
-Bunch of queers claiming that...

...domestic-partnership rights
are not good enough.

They get offended
when you call them queers.

Calling people by their name is not,
nor should it ever be argued as, offensive.

God almighty.

CHRISTOPHER: You okay?
-No.

I'm a pauper
and somehow I got the king's disease.

Gonorrhea?

Kings don't screw whores,
they screw virgins or their nieces.

The king's disease is gout.

Big toe is throbbing like blue balls
that no blowjob can ever fix.

You got any Perce or Vikes or--?

No, but I could call my doctor,
see if she can fit you in.

She's super nice. Korean. Small fingers.

No, thank you. Doctors are crooks,
especially Korean ones.

Never trust a culture
that makes sausages from dogs.

Frank, I'm pretty sure that's racist.

Accurate is not racist.

Write that down in your AA journal.

-Hold on. You work for the city.
-Yeah?

We live together. You cook for me,
clean for me, shop for me.

That makes us family.

Oh, Frank. I'm touched.

We qualify
for domestic-partnership rights.

I can use your insurance, go to the doctor
with the small fingers for free.

No. No, no.
Those laws do not apply to us.

Why not?

Why should our heterosexual proclivities
prevent us from collecting our due?

That is hetero-phobia
and I won't stand for it.

-You won't?
-The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Write that down, Christopher.

Mean everything you said?

No.

Well, how much of it did you mean?

I don't know.
I mean, I meant a little bit of it.

You know, I think there's some things
that we could stand to talk about.

-But mostly I just--
-Was in Douche land?

Not my choice of words--

Why does Karen Jackson still have
pictures of you on her Facebook page?

- I have no fucking idea.
-If there's nothing going on between you--

I don't go onto Facebook because I don't
give a shit about whose pet just died...

...or who just checked in
at the fucking McDonald's.

She's a skanky, manipulative bitch.
You should unfriend her.

Also, you have an appointment this
afternoon with the alumni rep from MIT.

It's 3:30, here.

-What?
-It's a good thing.

It means you got past the first round.

Yeah, no, no, I know that,
but, um, I never applied for MIT.

Yeah, you did.

Also Carnegie Mellon, Northwestern,
Columbia, Stanford, and Penn.

Come on, I can't be late today.

Wait, wait, hang on.
You applied to all those schools for me?

-A few fallbacks too, just in case.
-No. No, wait.

-This is perfect. Where'd you get this?
VERONICA: Used to do the sexy-librarian thing.

Glasses, hair bun, the whole bit.

But you need hose.
Those offices pump in the AC.

No, I'm warm-blooded. I'll be good.

Kev, do guys get PMS?

You asking if I bleed from my nuts
once a month?

I'm asking if guys get their own version...

-...of hormonal bullshit.
-Nope.

-Yes, he does.
KEVIN: Do not.

You broke the TV remote last month
for no reason.

-It wouldn't work. That's a good reason.
VERONICA: We get weepy. They get angry.

Jimmy doesn't seem angry exactly.
He seems quiet.

Oh, God. Stop.
Would you stop right there?

We get quiet for one minute and you think
we're obsessing about the relationship.

All we're thinking is,
"I wonder if there's more cheese."

We make you smarter than you are?

No, no, you make us more interested
in you than we are.

Don't mind him.

He's mad because somebody cut off
the tip of his penis when he was young.

-4, don't start that shit.
-What are we talking about?

Whether or not to circumcise our baby.

-Are you--? Wait. Is your Mom--?
KEVIN: No, no one's pregnant.

And if somebody were pregnant,
it may not even be a boy.

-But if it is a boy--
-If it is a boy you gotta circumcise.

Have you ever seen one uncut?
You don't know what's going on.

It does not make you wanna go downtown.
You want your kid to get head, right?

Thank you.

Or not?

Crap. Sorry.

Thanks for the suit. Gotta go. Bye.

Love you. Okay.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

JODY: Morning.
DEBBIE: Morning, Jody.

Fiona said you guys
were gonna watch Liam today.

Uh, I gotta work.
But it'll be good for Sheila to watch him.

Sheila, Debbie's here.

I gotta go, babe. Sit up.

Sitting up's a real good start.

[, uh... I gotta go.

Sheila, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Of course, I'm fine.

Um, Fiona said you were gonna
watch Liam today.

Yes. That's-- That's fine.

It'll be nice to have a baby.

Morning, Mom.

[GROANS]

DEBBIE: Hi, Karen.
KAREN: Hey.

Have you had any breakfast?

Yo, chief,
I asked for a bone-dry cappuccino.

This isn't bone-dry.

You're talking about
bone that's been left out in the sun?

Living bones are 35 percent water
and bleed when you break them.

Are you freaking kidding me?
No, not you, man, sorry.

Coffee-shop boy is giving me lip.
Hang on.

Dude, when I spend as much
for a cup of coffee as a gallon of gas...

...get it how I want it.
Remake it bone dry, dirt dry...

...fucking desert dry, okay? Do it now.

Very sorry, Sir.
We'll take care of that right away.

Just do it.

MAN: Thank you.
WOMAN: Come again.

You really don't get why
I have a problem with this?

-No.
-Really?

-No.
-lan, do you get why?

-Not getting in the middle.
-Why are you being such a dick?

Those applications are 90 pages long.
It took me forever to fill them out.

Walk the fuck away.

LIP: Wow, you're--
-What? I'm what?

You're not my mother.

You're not in charge of who I talk to,
who has a picture of me on Facebook...

...and you're sure as shit
not in charge of if I go to college.

Think he's right?

Men are never right.

That's why women were invented,
to think for you assholes.

I mean, look at Mickey,
marrying some whore he knocked up.

-What?
MANDY: Men are weak and stupid.

Even the good ones.
Especially the good ones.

I'm not gonna watch Lip fuck up his life
the way that Mickey's fucking up his.

Hey, Sheila?

I made you some cinnamon toast
and coffee.

Cinnamon toast and coffee always
makes me feel a little better when I'm down.

It's just you have to sit up to eat it.

[SHEILA SOBBING]

Come on, Sheila. Sit up.
You'll feel better, I promise.

CONNIE:
You the temp?

Yeah. Hi. Yes. Fiona Gallagher.

Nice to meet you, Fiona. I'm Connie.
We're all on a first-name basis here.

It's a family-run company,
real friendly place.

-Okay, great. Thanks.
-Follow me. You'll be covering for Maria.

She's a cold caller
in our Marketing Department.

Last week Friday she was having cramps
but it wasn't her time of the month.

I told her not to ignore it, but did she listen?
Appendicitis.

She barely made it there in time.

Honest, it was about to burst
and then who knows?

-Wow, that's, uh--
-If you're having cramps on your left side...

...and it's not your time of the month,
you shouldn't ignore it or you could die.

-It's good to know.
-Isn't it?

-Drop your bag and I'll show you around.
-Okay.

That's the copy room, the warehouse,
the kitchen, treadmill, water cooler.

The fridge. Anything with a label belongs
to somebody else. Except the yogurts.

Margie never labels them because
everyone knows she's on a diet.

-So if you know what's good for you--
-Stay away from the yogurt.

-But the donuts on the table are fair game.
-Fair game as in free?

We all take turns buying a box.
You can just have one.

That's the bathroom. Women's room.

Once you get settled in
you'll be making calls from this list...

...and you'll read from this script.
It's simple. Start here.

And if they say this, you say this.
If they say this, you say this.

Get the idea? You're calling customers
who haven't placed an order for a while.

If you get a bite, you transfer them straight
away to Sales by pressing this button.

They'll close the deal.

So, uh... So I'm the fluff er
and they're the happy ending?

Sorry. Uh...

-I have a lot of brothers.
-All right.

Uh, I'll be over there
if you have any questions.

What do you mean
living together for a year?

What kind of a rule is that?

-We call that rule a law.
-Well, it just so happens, I was mistaken.

Christopher and I have been living together
for a year. Well over a year.

If you let me explain--

Just because my name
isn't on the utility bill...

...that is no reason to deny me
my basic civil rights.

-Sir, I'm just trying to explain to you--
-My partner has been working hard...

...killing dogs for this city
for close to a decade.

-You kill dogs?
-Animal control.

I know my rights.

Sir, I cannot award you
domestic-partnership status...

...unless you have proof
that you are and have been...

...financially and emotionally
interdependent partners for over a year.

Joint-tenancy documents
verifying partners have lived together--

- I know my rights.
-Do you not understand...

...that I get 150 of you people
in here a day...

-You people?
-...spouting this shit?

-What can that mean?
-We're not like that.

-Not like what?
-We are not the kind of people...

...you can push around
with your homophobic rhetoric.

Where are you going? I'm still talking.

I'm going on break. That's my civil right.

Fucking-- Let's go.

Hi, this is Fiona from Worldwide Cup.

We've noticed you haven't renewed
your order in a while.

I was wondering if I could transfer you
to our Sales De--?

Oh, no? Huh.

Well, that's really shitty.

Yeah, no, I get it.
I had a mailman at home like that.

Real seedy, looked like he was casing the
joint every time he dropped off a package.

I got so fed up I called the post office
and had them take him off my route.

Now we have this great lady, Josephine.
Really nice.

I bet if you call they'll switch him for you.
But either way, they'll wanna hear about it.

Great. Yes, I will transfer you now.

Good luck.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey. They had a rude delivery guy,
so I told--

I heard. It's just--

If they say this, you say this.
If they say this, you say this.

-You stick to the script.
- I got it. Sorry.

-It won't happen again.
-Okay.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

What?

Oh, yes, Debbie is home sick
from school today.

Thank you.

MAN: Let me put you through.
WOMAN: Good afternoon.

-All right. you ready?
KEVIN: I'm just not into this set up. I look weak.

It's gimp porn, babe.
You're supposed to look weak.

-Am I supposed to look fat?
-Jeez, you sound like a woman.

Maybe it's because someone cut off part
of your manhood when you were young.

- I just don't wanna do the gimp thing.
-You know how expensive a kid is?

Sack it up.

KEVIN:
Shit.

[PHONE RINGS]

-Hey, Fi.
-Can you pop over to the house...

...and see if Debbie's there?
I don't know if she's sick or skipping.

All right, I'll go check on her
but you have to go to www.dontcutitoff.org.

-What?
-I'm serious, Fiona. Go to that website...

...and see if you stand by your "I want
my son to get his share of head" argument.

Do not do it, Fiona.

dontcutitoff.org. Promise. Promise.

-Okay, okay, okay, I'll do it.
-All right. Bye.

[GASPS]

FIONA:
Jesus.

Oh.

Hi, this is Fiona from Worldwide Cup.

Vote Paul Lashmet for a better Chicago.
Hope I can count on your vote.

[BABY CRYING]

Can't you shut the baby up?

I could shove her up your ass.

-You need to learn respect for elders.
-You need to learn to not be a total dickwad.

LASHMET:
I have a plan to put Chicago back to work.

Hey. Hey, over here.

I know you can hear me,
Mr. Give Me Your Vote.

You wanna know what's wrong
with this city?

Wanna know what doesn't work?

My wife and I got married
after three weeks of dating.

She turned out to be a bipolar
drug addict-- Easy.

--Who left me alone with six kids to raise.

While my domestic partner,
Mr. Christopher Collier...

...Is a clean and sober hardworking
citizen of this country.

I think he deserves the same rights as
a woman who would abandon her children.

Thank you, sir,
and I will consider your situation.

Don't you turn your back on me.

-Don't you worry--
-I'm a citizen of this country.

I live in this city,
my partner works for this city...

...but because we're not married...

...which the law doesn't even allow,
I might add...

...I'm not allowed
to share in his insurance benefits.

Which means for me,
it's stand in line at the free clinic or suffer.

That's not only unfair and un-Christian,
it's flat-out un-American.

I'm a citizen. Where are my equal rights?

Fix that, Mr. I Wanna Be Mayor.

MAN 1: What's your name, buddy?
MAN 2: Yeah.

MAN 3: Hey, sir.
-Fuck.

Thank you so much, I'll transfer you now.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[FIONA SIGHS]

DEBBIE:
I like this color.

It kind of cheers you up
just looking at it, right?

It does.

Sometimes
when you're feeling really bad...

...If you make yourself look better
on the outside, you feel better on the inside.

My mom calls it
taking it from the outside in.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, here.

Jackson residence.

You were just supposed
to drop Liam there.

[OVER PHONE]
Why aren't you at school? Are you sick?

-Code pink.
-Monica's home?

DEBBIE:
No, no, no.

Code pink at Sheila's.
I'll explain later, okay?

FIONA: Fine, explain later,
but you're in big trouble.

[SIGHS]

What's code pink?

It's nothing. I was just trying to explain
to Fiona why I'm not at school.

It's like a code word we have.

Oh, no, what time is it?

Are you skipping school because of me?

I didn't wanna go anyway.

All anyone ever does is try to copy off me,
but no one wants to sit with me at lunch.

Everybody's mean. Middle school's stupid.
Mean girls suck.

My daughter's a mean girl.

I don't know how it happened.

It's not your fault.

But I'm her mother.

If how we turn out is all about how our
mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?

[GRUNTING]

[KAREN GIGGLING]

-What? What's funny?
-It's just, she applied to colleges for you.

Wow, I'm so glad my cock thrust up inside
you is, uh, keeping your attention so well.

-That's really nice for me.
-Sorry, just I don't get it.

Why don't you just dump her?

Less talking, more riding.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Is Mickey seriously getting married?

Yeah, like in a couple weeks.

Jesus. To who?
I didn't even know he was seeing anyone.

Well, I don't think he was seeing her
so much as he was doing her.

-So why's he marrying her?
-She's knocked up.

So?

I don't get it. Is your dad making him?

I don't know. Why do you give a shit?

FRANK [ON VIDEO I]:
Don't you turn your back on me.

LASHMET: Don't you worry--
FRANK: I'm a citizen of this country.

My partner works for this city,
but because we're not married...

...which the law doesn't even allow,
I might add...

...I'm not allowed
to share in his insurance benefits.

Which means for me,
it's stand in line at the free clinic or suffer.

That's not only unfair and un-Christian...

-Holy shit. Frank.
-...it's flat-out un-American.

-Do you know him?
FRANK: Where are my equal rights?

You could say that. He's my dad.

I... Wow, that speech.

Your father--

I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
Oh, my God, I wish I could turn back time.

-Turn back time, why?
-Some of the office bitches...

...may have narc'd on you about the porn
at your desk and the personal phone calls.

-And by office bitches, I might mean myself.
-Porn at my desk?

-Oh, shit.
-Fiona. Hi.

So Mr. Pratt is asking
for a word with you.

-Let me guess. He's the boss?
CONNIE: No, no, he's one of the cousins.

Not the big boss,
but he is a supervisor, yes.

Really, very sorry.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes?

Hi. Fiona Gallagher.

The temp.

Oh, Fiona. Yeah.
Um, go ahead and have a seat.

Yeah. That's good. That's good.

Go ahead. Sorry. Sorry. Ahem.

So, um, I've had some complaints
about your language. Um...

-A few personal calls--
- I have five kids.

They're my siblings but I raise them,
and one of them skipped school.

I'm sorry about the calls
but it was only a couple minutes.

-I'm happy to clock out early and work late.
-You don't have to do that.

-Ah, there were some photos--
-The porn at my desk, it wasn't really porn.

It was pictures of penises,
but from a circumcision website.

Friends of mine are trying for a baby,
and I said a thing about...

...how they should circumcise the baby
so girls would be more likely to wanna--

Uh, with their mouths--

-Not on the baby, of course.
-Right.

I mean, when he's a grown up.

Shit.

Am I fired?

No, you're-- Ahem. Sorry. My silence here
is not so much about disapproval...

...as it is trying to find a way
to participate in this conversation...

...that won't leave me vulnerable
to a lawsuit.

Because I would like to say that
I am a little shocked to learn that, um...

...you know, circumcision or lack thereof...

...would affect
a woman's willingness to... Ahem.

I can't say that.
I can't say anything, really.

I've said too much already.

-I'm sorry. Please don't sue me.
-I'm sorry. Please don't fire me.

Deal. But I'm putting my foot down.

No more naked body parts at your desk
for any reason.

-Ha, ha. Shit. Sorry.
-Watch your language like you're in Church.

-Got it.
-And also, you're doing a great job.

-Heh. I'm what?
- I got a call from one of our sales reps.

You convinced a high-volume customer
we thought we'd lost, to re-up.

Something about a delivery man?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.

Well, anyway, uh, great work and keep it up.

Do me a favor.
Don't go out there smiling.

Help me maintain that reputation
as a hard-ass.

You have a reputation as a hard-ass?

No. I really want one though.

[LAUGHS]

Hey. Uh-uh.

-What's this?
-Pay day.

Oh, sweet.

-It's $218.
-Mm-hm.

I worked 40 hours at $10 an hour,
that's $400.

Yeah, minus taxes.

And, uh, minus the free refills
you've been giving your boyfriend.

My what? No, that's my--
I barely know him.

He's here when you're here and not when
you're not, and you give him free refills.

You think I don't see? I see.

Phillip?

Scott Walker, MIT alumni rep.

We had an appointment at 3:30.
It's nearly 4.

Look, I'm sorry you came and waited
but I'm not interested.

-You're not interested? In MIT?
-Nope.

That's too bad. I was really curious
to interview the kid with the 4.6 GPA...

...who so blatantly plagiarized
his application essay.

Whoa, hold on.
I didn't plagiarize anything.

She plagiarized Nelson Mandela. Jesus.

-She?
-Yeah, my girlfriend, um, wrote this application.

I'm guessing she Googled "good speeches”
and picked one that sounded smart.

I'm surprised she didn't go with
"I have a dream."

Sure you don't wanna do the interview?
I'm already here.

No thanks. I hate Boston. Red Sox suck.

Okay. It's unlikely
you could have gotten in anyway.

What is that, reverse psychology?

Let me guess, you minored in psych...

...thinking it would give you a leg up
in business negotiations.

You may have a 4.6, but you also required
a three-semester senior year due to truancy.

Competition is pretty intense
if you require a full scholarship...

...which I'm guessing that you do.

Why don't you just call me white trash?

Competition's tougher at this level,
that's all.

"At this level." Jesus.
Give me a fucking pen.

CHRISTOPHER:
Frank?

Frank. Frank, why?

Why would you? Why?

My co-workers teased me so much
I had to pretend that I was sick.

Then my mother called. She almost had
a cardiac episode she was so upset.

I only convinced her last year
that I'm not gay.

It took me years, Frank. Years.

Why would you do this?
Why, Frank? Why?

-What the fuck are you talking about?
-You told the world we're gay.

It's all over Twitter. It's all over Facebook.

-It was on the 12:00 news.
-What?

You're famous for being gay, Frank.

Are you gay? Are you, really?

[PHONE RINGING]

I am whatever I need to be
at the time I need to be it.

Christ, write that down.

Mom. No.

Yes, Mom, I'm talking to him.

No, Mom, I am not--

Mom.

Mom.

Mom. Mom.

Mom.

MAN 1: I'm telling you, this is my car.
MAN 2: It has a kid seat in it.

MAN 1:
I don't give a shit. Look at that chip.

That diamond-shaped scratch,
I did that the night we had Jagerbombs.

Hell, I still got the keys, man.

[ALARM BEEPS THEN MAN 1 LAUGHS]

- I found my stolen car, bitch.
MAN 2: What are you waiting for? Call the cops.

I wouldn't do that. Sorry, passing by,
couldn't help but overhear.

I'd just take it home.
Cops will keep it in evidence for a year.

You're right. He's right, man.

Plus insurance already covered it,
so this is like found money, bitch.

-Why is that man driving your car?
-Because it's stolen.

BETO: You let him steal it?
-No, Beto. I stole it...

...back when life was fun
and the world had meaning.

You gonna punish me for it?

You wanna break another finger?
How about a toe?

Maybe cut off a couple earlobes?
Stick a fork in my eye?

[ALL CHEERING]

KATE: Saw you on the news.
About time you came out.

Yeah, have your fun,
just pour me a goddamn drink.

-Don't do it, we don't need his AIDS germs.
-Screw you, Tommy.

-You wish.
-You really gay now, Frank?

What is gay, Kermit?
Gay is a state of mind, it is a mood.

Gay is when you part the ass cheeks of
a man and use your dick as a divining rod.

Well, by that definition,
no, then I'm not gay.

Then what are you doing going on the news
talking about gay rights?

I was trying to get insurance coverage.

Hey, Frank, how do you fit three homos
on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.

[ALL LAUGH]

Kate, I leave it to you to rise above
this homophobic rhetoric...

...and offer me recompense
in the form of whiskey.

It's homophobia when they're afraid of you,
I'm pretty sure they just don't like you.

-Just give me a drink.
-You maxed out your tab.

What does one gay say to another one
going on vacation?

Can I help you pack your shit?

[ALL LAUGH]

That joke is so hackneyed,
you owe me a drink.

What's the difference between
a refrigerator and a fag?

The fridge doesn't fart
when you pull the meat out.

MAN 1: Oh, God.
MAN 2: I have to.

MAN 3:
Don't go telling your boyfriend, Frank.

[LIP CLEARS THROAT]

LIP: Your insipid essay question asks me
to tell you in 250 words...

...about my most significant challenge in life.
Honestly, it's hard to pick one.

My guess is you wanna hear about
my alcoholic father and my runaway mom.

You would eat that shit up tooth and nail.

But those aren't my greatest
challenges in life.

--An education system
that pretends to be a meritocracy...

...but doesn't seek a way
or consider the other foreign...

What would you wanna study at MIT?

Provided you could get past
my "well-meaning oblivion"...

...and the proximity of the Red Sox.

Robotics. But none of that
undergrad-filler bullshit.

No 200-seat lectures taught by TA's.
I just want the shit out in front of me.

-The shit?
-Yeah, the tools.

The toys. The stuff I can't get access to
in my ghetto high school.

Why?

Because I'd like to hang out
with C-3PO in my lifetime...

...and at the rate you're going,
that's not gonna happen.

I'm not following. You don't wanna go to
classes, you just wanna play in a lab?

I don't wanna sit in a lecture
that teaches me how to modify algorithms...

...instead of think for myself.

And?

Okay, the people working the weaving
machines in the 17th century...

...they didn't see
the steam engine coming.

One invention, industrial revolution.

Encyclopedia Britannica didn't see
Wikipedia coming.

Great things don't happen
in tiny little increments.

You know, they happen when someone
thinks completely differently.

And all you geniuses, you're just...

You're just modifying algorithms.

C-3PO, huh?

That dude's a badass. You know he's fluent
in over 6 million forms of communication?

-Give me the money.
JIMMY: What the fuck?

-Give me your money.
-Is that a toy gun?

[SCREAMS]

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

[HORN HONKS]

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

[YELLING]

Get in. We drink.

Fuck off, goddamn it.

[BETO SPEAKS
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MAN:
Hey, faggot.

I am not a faggot.

And I could sue you
for the use of the word.

Whoa, Nellie. I'm on your side.

Come on in. Let us buy you a drink.

Come on. I'm not gonna bite,
unless you ask me to.

LIP:
What's with him?

No idea. He's been weird all day.

You, um... You plagiarized Nelson Mandela.

-Who?
-The MIT application essay.

Well, you think I should have
wrote it myself?

No, I think you shouldn't have applied
to colleges for me without asking me.

I did ask you.

I asked you a hundred times to get
the applications in, you ignored me.

-For a reason.
-What, that you're an idiot?

You wanna waste your life laying around
this shithole neighborhood forever?

You have any idea how much stuff I had to
steal and sell to pay those application fees?

It was a huge pain in the ass,
and I did it for you.

So you could be a little nicer about it.

You know,
you might even wanna say thank you.

Thank you.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

May I transfer you to Sales?

Thank you so much
and you have a Worldwide day!

-Hey, Fiona, you okay?
-Huh?

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

Mike's not a bad guy
once you get to know him.

Um, Maria got an infection in the hospital,
she's gonna be out for a couple weeks.

I was thinking of requesting you,
if you're available.

Easier than training a new girl every day.

That'd be great.

Only thing is, um, Mr. Pratt Sr.,
Uncle Matt, we call him...

...he's kind of conservative.
He's a deacon at First Baptist.

I'm sure that outfit would have been great
at your last office, but...

Shit, really? Shit. Fuck. Sorry.

It's okay. Just button up a little bit
and it'll all be all right.

Please tell your father I'm a big fan.

BETO: It's truth, you see?
JIMMY: What's truth?

-That you are no good for Fiona.
-What the hell do you know?

I know you're not meant for this life.

You're rich boy, born with a silver spoon.
It's okay not to be ashamed.

I am from the favela, okay. And now
I have silver spoon. You can go that way.

But the other way?

That way is just misery.
Bitter. Resent. Miserable.

It's better you should go now.

-Before Fiona and the kids get more--
-Attached.

Attached to you.

Or before you and Fiona
make a baby together.

Because after a baby...

...then is misery, bitter, resent forever.

Men, we need space to think.

So walk, think.

This time, I'll not follow you.

Thanks, man.

Hey. But if you break any laws,
I will chop off both your hands.

Got it.

You use that Mandela speech
in all the applications?

No.

I mixed it up a little bit.

Couple of dead presidents
and some guy called Gandhi.

"Gandhi"?

I don't get why you'd want me
to go to MIT.

You know, Boston's pretty far away.

I thought maybe you'd take me with you.

But...

But what?

No one's ever been as good to me
as you have.

You're better than this neighborhood.

You're better than anyone I've ever met
and you deserve to get out.

Even if you don't take me with you...

...which I never really thought
you would anyway.

So is it true? You're getting married?

So, uh, who is it? Is it, uh, Angie Zahgo?

Or some other piece of trash you screw
so you can pretend I don't matter to you?

Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?

IAN:
He speaks.

So that's it, we're over?

You're dad beats the shit out of us...

...and you're just gonna get married,
no conversation? Nothing?

-Hey--
-Get the fuck off me.

Oh, you wanna fag bash?
That make you feel like a man?

Come on. Go ahead. Do it!

[GROANS]

Fuck.

IAN:
You love me.

And you're gay.

Just admit it.

Just this once, fucking admit it.

[COUGHS]

You feel better now?

Feel like a man?

[IAN GRUNTS]

I feel better now.

-Oh! Just the man I was hoping to run into.
-I can't see you anymore.

I'm with Mandy now.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have
started up with you again.

You're not serious.

She's good for me and you're not.

And, uh...

Yeah. That's all.

SHEILA:
What about boys?

-What about them?
-Well, do you like any?

None that like me.

I'm not pretty like Fiona. My teeth
are messed up and my chest is flat.

Do you know they have
special bras for that?

[DOOR SLAMS]

KAREN: Hey.
-Hey, Karen.

KAREN:
Um, is there anything to eat?

Mom.

Jesus. What-fucking-ever.

What did she do that's so bad
that you won't talk to her?

She wrote the Wongs
and told them to take Hymie away.

She told them I was crazy...

...and that I had
obsessive-compulsive disorder...

...and that I was bad for the baby.

I do have
obsessive-compulsive disorder...

...but I've been working really hard to treat it
and my meds have been really working.

And I am a little crazy...

...but I'm not bad for that baby,
that part's just not true.

DEBBIE: Sheila?
-Yeah, honey?

I've seen crazy,
and I've seen bad for kids...

...you aren't either of those things.

You're super nice.

I made a lot of mistakes.

Then say you're sorry.

Because if Monica came back,
said she was sorry and stayed...

...I'd forgive her.

I would forgive her for everything
because she's my mom.

I'm so...

...sorry your mom left you.

But you know it's not your fault, right?

Do you know that? It's not your fault.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE]

-Who's this?
-Hey, Mandy. It's Karen Jackson.

I just wanted to call and thank you
for applying to colleges for Lip.

-What?
-My mom kind of sucks these days...

...s0 it'll be awesome
to have somewhere new to go.

And all I have to do is poke one hole in a
condom and he'll do whatever I say, forever.

I mean, we learned that from last time.

Fuck you.

You mean, like, all three of us?
Yeah, I could be down for that.

Do you want me to ask Lip
next time we do it?

FRANK [SINGING]: One who tried to hurt me
When you said goodbye

Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I
I will survive

[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Oh, yeah.

[SINGING] Oh, as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive, I will survive
Hey, hey

[CROWD CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Yeah.

FRANK:
Jesus.

Whoa! Ha, ha.

What's an Adam's apple matter
if you can blow like that?

Hey. Hey, you want a blowjob?

I'll give you a blowjob for $10.

Or a rock. Do you have a rock?
I give really good blowjobs.

Are you sure you don't want one?

Know how many nerve-endings
are in the foreskin?

I don't think a guy
wishes he had more nerves.

What if our son wants to be a transsexual?
They will need that skin to make a vagina.

-Why is that even a question?
-The gays brought the gift baskets, Kevin.

Look at the gift baskets.
I'm saying it's a possibility.

-What's this?
-Frank told the world he's gay.

And the gay world responded
with chocolate and cheese.

-And good wine.
-Wow.

Debs, school. Why didn't you go?

Sheila was depressed. Bad depressed.

-Monica depressed.
-Code Pink.

-I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
-Is Frank really gay?

No. Carl, it's a scam.
It's always some kind of a scam.

This scam tastes awesome.

-Is this dinner? Where's Jimmy?
LIP: Here you go.

Think he's still wondering
if there's any more cheese?

DEBBIE: Try the moldy one.
CARL: I like the one with the holes.

FIONA: Hey, put it down.
KEVIN: Wipe your mouth afterwards.

FIONA: Wipe your mouth.
VERONICA: Ha, ha.

FIONA:
What's that in your mouth?

Oh, what's that in your mouth?

Okay, you ready?

-Okay, you guys.
VERONICA: Go again.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hi. Honey, hi.

Mom, I am not in the mood right now.

I'm sorry I was so crazy
when you were little.

I'm...

I'm sorry it's taken me so long
to get my meds balanced...

...and I'm sorry that I missed
so many of your school events...

...because I couldn't leave the house.

And I'm...

I'm sorry that I took up
with your husband.

Even if you didn't want him, it's just a...

Well, it's just a terrible thing
for a mother to do.

There-- There--

There are so many ways I wish
I could've been a better mother to you.

I...

I hope you can forgive me, Karen.

I hope we can start over.

Because |I...

I love you so very much.

I love you so much.

KAREN:

[PHONE RINGS]

Okay, I'm sorry, Mom, it's Lip.

He wants to meet at the park.

Oh, are you...?

-Are you seeing Lip again?
- I hope so.

Okay.

MAN:
Fuck you too. Stupid bitch.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

FRANK:
Christopher.

-Christopher!
-Go away, Frank.

You're drunk. You need a meeting.
Go away.

Christopher, why?
It was so good between us.

I'm sorry, Frank.
Mom says this is how it has to be.

No, Chris. Wait, wait. Chris-- Oh!

-You like emergency medicine, right?
-Hours suck, but I love it.

-It's a shorter track than surgery, right?
-Barely.

Incoming ambulance, serious head trauma,
two minutes out.

All right.

-How's the money?
-The money's good.

-Saving people's lives is great too.
-You mean the adrenaline rush?

What's going on, man?
Thinking about going back to school?

I thought I hated med school,
but U of M's looking great right now.

MAN 1: Hit and run.
-Cracked skull and a thready pulse.

Ran two large bores of saline en route.

Uh, hey. Bright.

Mr. Gallagher, when you're ready to rise,
we'd like to buy you a meal and have a chat.

-What'd you hit?
-A girl at school.

Don't forget to check for hair
behind the grille.

Call Manny about the windshield.

We've looked into your records, Frank.
You're an alcoholic.

A derelict.

Not the kind of man
we usually want on our side.

But you, my friend,
have stumbled ass over tea kettle...

...into the most significant moment
in the history of the gay-rights movement.

We both know that
we're not second-class citizens...

...but there are a lot of people
in this country who still need convincing...

...and you are the missing piece
in our puzzle.

You're blue-collar, working-class,
Irish-Catholic.

You have the ears of the people
whose minds most need changing.

You also have dog shit on your face
and no place to live.

But we can fix that
if you agree to work with us.

You've got my attention, Mr...?

Paige. Abraham Paige.

We'll clean you up. We'll house you.
We'll coach you.

-Do you remember Joe the Plumber?
-Heard of him? He's a personal hero of mine.

Well, you are gay Joe.

-Frank the Plumber?
-No.

Frank the father...

...Frank the son, Frank the neighbor...

...Frank the face
of the gay-rights movement.

Oh, jeez.

Take it. Take it.

- I need to sit up.
-There.

-Ow.
-Take it, you little gimp.

Turn over.
Mama's gonna give you an exam.

[KEVIN GROANS]

-Take it. Take it.
-Ow. Ow.

Don't you shit on my hand, you hear me?
Yeah.

-Take it. Yeah.
-Aah!

[KEVIN SCREAMS]

[KEVIN HUMMING]