All language subtitles for Running.On.Empty.2024.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.800MB.x264-GalaxyRG

Most of life seems
pointless and absurd to me.

Yet there are
moments of clarity
in the chaos and noise

that seem to matter
and make sense.

Death is unavoidable.

Got 'em!

Mort?

But then again,

so is life.

Front door.

It's beautiful,
Mortimer.

Smile.

Yeah.

Do you think there's any way
we could get them to come down?

There's no inventory.
It's a seller's market.

And I know they have at least
one other offer on the table.

Baby, I need this house.

I know, sweetheart. I just--

This is a little
over our budget.

All right, guys, look.

I know the other offer's
from a developer.

The couple selling this place

has lived here over 20 years.

They don't wanna hand
their first child off

to some soulless speculator.

In fact, they told me
specifically

that they wanna get
a young couple
or a family in here.

I just don't even think
we'd get approved
for a mortgage

on a place like this.

Uh, what about your LDCs?

We haven't gotten ours yet.

Seriously?

You guys, LDCs
can be a huge help,

if not the deciding factor
towards getting your dream home.

Uh, I mean, yes,
credit is important,

but right next to that are LDCs.

Please, babe?

We talked about this already.

You might lose the house.

We just wanted to stick

with the whole natural thing.

I thought you didn't wanna know.

I don't wanna know,
but if it'll help us

get the house...

I really want this house.

You know, this garden's great

for taking selfies.

The flowers really match
your eyes.

Here at Valley Medical,

we have the answer.

Life Day Count.

Ninety-seven point nine
percent accuracy.

Have you ever wondered
how much time you have left?

Now you can prepare you
and your loved ones

for your inevitable demise.

How do we do it?

It's science.

Okay, let's get started.

All of your tests have been
completed to get your LDCs,

or your Life Day Count,

and to determine
your death date,

what we do is we take
the results of your LDC,

we add it to your test date.
It's a very simple math.

You know, two plus two
equals four type of...

- Yes.
- Excuse me, um, Doctor.

How spot on is this testing?

Statistically speaking,
it's 97.9% accurate

within a week of said date.

Now of course,
this estimate is based

on your body's natural decline
from age or disease, okay?

What we cannot do here
is predict death

based on murder or suicide
or accidents, for example.

Of course. Um, but how exactly
do you figure this out?

We just do. It's science.

All right, are you ready
for your results?

As ready as we'll ever be.

Mortimer.

Nicole. So, you can read
your results on your own,

but I'm required to stay here
and go over any questions
with you, okay?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna die.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna die!

It's okay, it's okay.
What does it say?

21,490!

Nicole, that's almost
60 years from now.

It just feels really close!

Everyone
does react differently.

It's understandable.

What does yours say, babe?

Three hundred and forty-five.

Days?

That is not ideal.

No, it's not.

Young man, I am so sorry.

You know, though, anyone
who has less than a year,

they get a free Bible,
and I think I have one left.

And that was that,
you know? Just like that.

I mean, even after
all that mumbo jumbo

about being okay
with the results no matter what,

boom, Nicole dropped me
like a hot potato.

I know, I know. I...

I-I'm sure she's going
through a lot too.

I can't pretend to know
what it's like for her.

But it just sucks, you know?

But between you and I,

I kind of always knew
that she wasn't the one.

I mean, this definitely
proved it.

So maybe it was for the best.

Or maybe not, I don't know.

More importantly,
what do I do now, you know?

Do I start dating again?

It's not like I have much time
to build a future with someone,

even if I do find the one.

I don't know.

You know what, Mr. Addison?
God, that is not your shade.

Hey, Mort!

Hey, man, your uncle's trying
to see you before you jet, bro.

Okay, Sid.
Yeah, I'll be right there.

All right. Hey, stop talking

to the dead people, all right?
That shit ain't healthy.

Ooh!

Uh-huh.

Oh, so, she...
she never had a chance
to parasail in life, yeah.

- Uncle Barry, you wanted to see me?
- Yeah, yeah, uh--

Are you-- are you going
to your mom's house
for dinner tonight? Oh.

Well, we can definitely
hang her from a parasail.

Oh, I am truly sorry
for your loss.

This must be devastating,
but we hope to help you

through this process.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Good, 'cause, uh,
I've got a big date tonight,

and she's a looker.

I mean, I think.

Uh, it's hard to tell
from photos online.

- Online?
- Yeah, I've been doing
the online dating thing.

It's amazing. I mean,
it's so much cheaper
than prostitutes.

Okay, well, uh,
good luck on your date,
and I'll, I'll see you Monday.

See you Monday.
Oh!

Did you, um, say goodbye
to Mrs. Harrison?

She's going
on her final vacation.
Remember, we did the card.

- You signed the card, right?
- Yeah, I signed the card.

- Well, just say goodbye to her.
- Okay, I will.

Can I ask you something?

Yes, dear.

Are you still glad
that you know?

About my death date?

Mm.

I don't know if "glad"
would be the word I would use.

But I'm still okay with knowing.

When my husband died,
I figured, why not know?

Because when someone
you love is gone,

wouldn't you wanna know
how much longer it's going to be

before you get to be
with them again?

I made a conscious decision
to live the rest of my life

in the pursuit of what
and who makes me happy.

Mortimer? I want you
to promise me something.

I want you to promise me
that you won't live

what time you have left
in a rut, or unhappy,

because you still have time
to find someone

you love...

...and enjoy life
until it's over.

I promise.

Hey, Mortimer. How's life
treating you nowadays?

It's good, Sid.
How about you?

Good, can't complain.
I could, but you know

they wouldn't listen.
That's what my daddy always say.

So what you finna get
into tonight, man?

You finna go
to your mom's house,

get your grub on,
something like that?

Yep, just another crazy night.

Oh, okay.

So how you doing, man?

What do you mean?

I mean, your Uncle Barry
told me about your girl

kicking you to the curb
on account of you

finding out your death date
and all of that.

I'm sorry, man. That sucks, bro.

I found out my death date too
when I was 18.

But I mean, you know,
the grim reaper

ain't exactly looking for me
for another 80 years.

But if I found out that my date
was within a year,

that would suck balls, bro.

And then to have
my girlfriend leave me
on top of all of that?

Yeah, well, uh,
that's life, I guess.

Yeah, you right
about that, brother.
You right about that, bro.

So, anyway, me
and a couple of the boys

heading to the strip club
tonight, man.

You should definitely
come through.

My boy Hector's the manager.
Ain't no cover with that card.

There's women everywhere,
fly honeys everywhere.

We're talking about
ass ubiquitously,
you know what I mean?

And Hector hooks us up
with free drinks

when the owner's not around.

I don't know, Sid,
I-I'm not really...

I don't think strip clubs
are really my thing.

Bullshit, man.
Listen, unless you gay,

every man has a deep
biological urgency to see

hot, butt-naked women
wrapped around metal poles, bro.

That's science, bitch.
I ain't making this up.

But seriously though, man,
you look like you're way overdue

for some ass and titties
so, you know, you should...

You know, I'm just saying.

Maybe...

Maybe I'll come
one of these nights.

Okay. Okay, cool.

- Have a good one.
- A'ight. Later, Mortimer.

Would anyone like more wine?

No? Okay, great.

So, um, Mortimer,
how's work, honey?

Work's great, Mom.

It's good? Good.

Morty, my friend
was telling me the other day
that when you die,

your fingernails
and your toenails

and your hair just keep growing.

Is that true?
It's fucking freaky.

No, that's not true.
What happens

is that the dehydration
of the body after you die

causes the skin around
the nails and hair to recede,

making it looks like
it's continuing to grow.

No shit?

That's fucking disgusting.

- That's why I never went
into the family biz, babe.
- Mmm.

Honestly, I don't know
how you do it, bro.

If I had to put my hands
on a cold stiff every day,

- I'd puke my guts out.
- Okay.

You know what?
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey.

Can we change the conversation
for dinner tonight,

okay, and not talk
about these things,
these disgusting things?

- Death's a part of life, Mom.
- Oh, my God.

Mortimer, you sound
just like your father.

Jesus Christ, okay?
I get it, I know, it is.

Hey, Morty, remember when Dad
took us to the funeral home
for the first time?

Mrs. Harrison was downstairs
in the showroom

taking a nap
in one of the caskets,

and we thought she was dead,

and then when we walked up
to the casket, she woke up,

and she just, like...
screamed when she saw us.

Holy shit, right?

Morty didn't even flinch,
cool as a cucumber.

Man, I think I...
crapped my pants.

Why? Why are you
talking about this shit?

Crappy pants,
dead bodies.

You know how I feel
about that place.
You know how I feel!

- Take it easy.
- You take it easy!

- You little fucking whore.
- Mom!

Why couldn't it be
something nice,

like an ice skating rink
or something?

Like an animal hospital?

Guys, it's the family business.

It's not
my family business, honey.

If it weren't
for your Uncle Barry,

the whole shebang would've been
shut up after your dad died.

Well, you're not gonna have
to hear me talk about it
much longer.

- Not cool, man.
- Mom. I'm sorry, Mom.

Just don't!

I'm sorry, Mom.

Um, somebody's an asshole.

Morty, she's talking about you.
You're the asshole.

I'm-- I'm just
being honest, okay?

It's not gonna change anything,
whether we talk about it or not.

I don't see
what the big deal is.

Yeah, no, I'm like
so aware of that.

Thank you very much.
But you know how Mom
is about this.

Look, I'm the one
who's dying soon, okay?

Would you rather
I not tell you about it?

Well...

Thank you.

Hey, hey!

I got pie.

Ooh!

- What?
- Thought you had a hot date.

I did. We met at Corky's
on Van Nuys.

- And?
- And, uh...

we had a very pleasant
conversation.

I politely drank my coffee,

ate my slice of pie,
and got the hell out of there.

But good lord,
she had amazing legs.

Don't you think you're being
kind of judgmental?

Honey, I'm too desperate
to discriminate

against anyone willing to go
on a date with me.

- Where's your mother?
- Why don't you ask
your favorite nephew?

Did she start crying again?

Life is a very precious thing,

and when we lose
the ones we love,

it can be hardest
on those left behind.

Can we just leave it
at work, Uncle Barry?

Why don't you do
the online dating thing?

I mean, there are plenty
of ripe hotties out there.

Yeah, Barry, look at all
the dick you're getting.

Funny. No, I really think
you should think of it.

Yeah, well, we talked
about this, okay?
I don't see the point.

I remember hearing
about this dating service

that specializes in matching
people with early death dates.

That sounds depressing.

You're gonna die soon,
I'm gonna die soon.

- Let's go on a date.
- She had this crazy fetish

for sleeping with guys
who were gonna die soon.

A glowing review.

Hey, where you going?

I'm gonna go home,
and I'm gonna go to bed.

You're gonna go to bed?
It's 7:30.

I'm aware of that. Good night.

Is your old roommate
still single, or...?

Oh, shut up, Barry.

Look, I-I know this is
very difficult for you.

- I understand, I do.
- Barry, no you don't.

You don't.

That's a good point.

This is my karma
for killing my husband.

Oh, no, no, not this again.
Y-you didn't kill Rupert.

If I hadn't needed
a Humphrey's fix that night,

fucking froyo freak, pathetic.

- Elaine...
- He wouldn't have been killed.

Karma.

A drunk driver ran a red light.

That's what killed him.

It's tragic, but you had
nothing to do with it.

All right?

Life is like that sometimes.
It stinks.

I don't understand. I mean,
he's so young. He's so young.

It's just, you know,
you gotta look at it this way.

Mort was doomed
ever since he came out

of your, you know, vagina.

He was doomed. We all are.

I mean, we all didn't
come out of your vagina,

but, like, we're all
doomed, we're mortal.

- That's just how it works.
- Barry,

you know something?
You're not helping at all.

You're making it worse,
actually.

I'm sorry, I'm not
much of a comforter

when I'm not on script,

and I'm sorry to bring up
your vagina.

Then maybe get back on script,
say something nice.

Maybe something sympathetic.
Show some empathy, please.

Times like these, I...

I try to remember
to be philosophical,

and remember that...

life is unpredictable.

As much as we may try
to control the narrative,

the universe throws curveballs.

How was that?

Yeah.

Now Mort
has nothing to fear,

nothing to lose.

He can do whatever he wants.

Maybe that's the silver lining
in the whole thing.

Right?

Yeah.

Do you wanna get some froyo?

Um, you and me?

Yeah, yeah.

- Together?
- Thanks.

Well... It could be
like a date, right?

- No.
- I mean--

- No, not at all.
- So...

- Oh.
- Froyo.

Is that code
for, like, hookup, or--

- No.
- Well, on the internet,

- it means something different.
- Frozen yogurt?

On the internet,
it's butt sex.

"Have you ever been
engaged or married?"

Yes.

"Do you enjoy social settings?"

No.

"Do you like anal?"

Um...

Mortimer Mortenson?

- Yeah.
- Hi, I'm Kate.

I'll be doing
your video interview.

Oh, no, don't worry
about all that.

We can just go through it
in the interview,
if that's cool with you.

- Sure, yeah.
- Cool.

Oh, but would you like
to pick out a background first?

We have, er, city lights,

autumn leaves,
mountainous landscape,

some snowfall,
and my personal favorite,

lasers.

Yeah, I think-- I think
I'll go with the lasers.

- Good choice.
- Yeah.

Okay, Mortimer,

we are just going to ask you
some questions about yourself.

- Cool?
- Cool.

What is your username, age,
death date, and occupation?

- My username is--
- Oh, just look

right through the camera,
please.

My username
is MortInShermanOaks.

I'm 25.

Uh, my death day
is September 21st,

and I'm a mortician.

Whoa, that's cool.

Wait, so are you around
dead people?

Yeah, I'm around dead people.

- And what year?
- What year what?

What year is your death date?

Oh, this year.

Like, this year this year?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Um, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, it's fine.
Thank you, though.

So...

How would your best friend
describe you?

Right, um...

I think she would describe me
as...

funny, kind, honest,

a little bit boring,
maybe. Um...

I have a good relationship
with my family
for the most part.

I like dogs. You know.

Who is she? Your best friend?

Uh, that would be my ex-fiancee.

Mmm.

I'll tell you what, Mortimer.

Don't worry
about meeting anyone.

Don't worry about saying
the right thing. Just relax.

Pretend we're old friends
having a cup of coffee.

Just be yourself.

- Okay, I'll try.
- Okay.

Wait, so you're
a mortician, huh?

That's a very unusual job.

Yeah, um, I actually
prefer the term,

uh, post-mortem artist.

I see. Why is that?

Well, a few years ago,
I started reading about

how in other countries, uh,

they look at funerals
in a very different way.

You know, instead
of the whole wake
and casket thing,

they basically throw
the person a party.

Uh, you know, doing
something that they loved.

Like what?

Anything, really, uh...

Riding a motorcycle
in the middle of the party,

uh, or sitting
in their favorite chair,

leaning in the corner
with a drink in their hands.

Yeah, the possibilities
are endless.

And it took some convincing,

but I got my Uncle Barry
on board,

and we are now officially

the only adventure
funeral parlor

in Southern California.

Wait, do you have pictures?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Definitely zooming in on this.

Wow, that is...

That's the most beautiful
yet horrific thing
I've ever fucking seen.

You do all of that?

Yeah, I design, build,

paint, do the makeup.

I do the embalming, of course.

You really love what you do.
That's rare.

Yeah, I mean, I think
it's a privilege to take care
of people after they die.

I feel like I'm helping them
and their loved ones.

I find it strange that people
are so afraid of death,

because there's nothing
to be afraid of.

The way I look at it,
before you were born,

you were not alive,

and after you die,
you're not alive, so...

basically, it's just going back
to being not alive.

That's a very thoughtful way
of looking at it.

Do you like your job?

Yeah.

No.

No, actually. I...

started doing this as a temp gig
when I first moved out here,

and it's just slowly started

becoming more of a usual thing,
unfortunately.

Why unfortunately?

Enough about me.

So what kind of gal
are you looking for?

I'm Tilda Svensson,
and I like to start

every meeting as I end it,
with love.

What if someone has a death date
that's coming up

soon, within the year?

Do you think
you could find someone
with a similar death date?

Absolutely, no worries.
Of course, yes,

we do match people
based on their death dates,
but you, my friend,

I'm assuming it's you that's
going to kick it fairly soon?

You're in the driver's seat,
because there are
those individuals

with extended death dates
that don't want the commitment,

so they're just gonna look
at somebody like you

for, like, a nice little
boy toy, a little romp,

and then you'll be gone
and they can move on.

Isn't that exciting?

I pride myself
on my matching abilities,
Mortimer,

and I can just tell right now,
in this short conversation,

that I have many people
who would make you

very, very, very, very, very,

very happy.

All right? And we have
a money-back guarantee.

Nothing that you will be able
to take advantage of,
because you'll be dead,

but we can will it
to whomever you want,

so there's only an upside,
no downside.

Tell me you're in.
Come on, I wanna hear it.

- I'm in.
- Are you in, really?

- I'm in.
- Are you in?

- I'm in.
- Come on. Are you feeling it?

- I'm in.
- Can't work with you

if I don't feel the confidence.

I don't have a very loud voice,
but I'm in.

You're in.

It was really nice
meeting you, Mortimer.

We'll finish
compiling your files

and start working
on your matches right away.

You should be hearing
from us soon.

Thank you.

Um... goodbye.

So long.

Farewell.

Au revoir.

Come on, we're gonna
do this. Let's...

Let's go, okay.

- Hey, there.
- Thanks, but no thanks.

- I'm not interested.
- Not interested?

- Here, let me buy you a drink.
- Hey, I'm with someone.

Uh, who?

With him. This is my boyfriend.

Um... uh, Mortimer.

This is your boyfriend?

Yes, so you better beat it
before he kicks your ass.

Your loss.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

What can I get you, doll?

The usual,
and whatever he's having.

Uh, I'll have
a blueberry daiquiri, please.

Okey-dokey.

Thanks, Larry.

Dammit.

Do you have a cigarette?
I am all out.

Um, no, sorry. I don't smoke.

Figures.

Ah, there they are.

- Here you go, sweet cheeks.
- Thank you.

I was talking to her.

Right.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. I got it.

If you keep staring at them,
I'm gonna expect a tip.

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to,

- you know--
- I'm just joking.

That's why I got them.

Do you wanna feel 'em?

Feel them?

You're-- you're kidding?

Nah, you seem like a nice guy,

and not like most
of the douchebags around here,

so... go ahead.

Thanks but, uh, no thanks.

What, you don't like them?

That's... that's not it.

Are you gay?

I don't think so.

Ah, okay, okay.
You're taken, I get it.

No, I... I'm actually not, so...

Jesus, you trying to give me
a complex here?

No, uh, sorry.

I-I'm just in a weird
headspace, and...

But you know, if, if--

if it would make you
feel better, I...

I could.

Yeah?

Okay.

- Okay, just...
- Yeah.

Feel better?

I do, actually.

They're magic.

I agree.

Do you wanna do it again?

Why not? I guess, you know.

Brother! What do you think
you're doing?

- What kind of place
you think this is?
- I didn't--

She... She...

- Um...
- I'm just pulling your leg,
man. Carry on.

You're such
a fucking comedian, Larry.

I am, Rita. Thank you.

Hey, do you wanna get
out of here?

Sure, yeah.

Okay, come on.

Sorry, I'm just a little...
That was scary.

I'm really kind of...

- Mm.
- Heart's beating.

- Larry wouldn't hurt a fly.
- Okay.

Find anything
interesting?

Um... Holy shit.

Do you like my outfit?

Yeah, um...

Yeah, yeah. I... I do.

Good. This is going to be fun.

Okay.

So are you paying me
with cash or credit?

Come again?

Are you paying me
with cash or credit?

Oh.

Oh, okay. I-- At the bar,
all that stuff, I just...

I just thought
you kind of liked me.

Oh, Mortimer,
you're very likable,

but I'm a working girl.

Oh, hon. You really
didn't know, did you?

This has never happened
to me before, um,

because most guys
usually pick up on it

when I let them cop a feel.

No, yeah, uh,
I'm just an idiot.

Uh, so, it was really nice
meeting you.

Wait. I'm not supposed
to do this.

You can't take it with you
anyway, so how about a freebie?

Freebie? Um...

I've just, uh, never had sex
with a prostitute before.

- Professional escort.
- Sorry. I--

I've never had sex with
a professional escort before.

When I said freebie,
I meant a blow job.

My hesitation has nothing
to do with you. Um...

Okay. I...

Yeah, let's... let's do that.

Okay, then.

Sit back, relax,
and enjoy the ride.

Let's lose the jacket.

Wow, you really are
very professional.

Wow, that's cold!

Mmm. What's in here?

Rita?

Rita?

Are... are you okay?

Oh, God, oh God.

Oh, oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

You got your LDC done.

Today's the day.

Why didn't you say anything?

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit!

Who the fuck are you?

- Mortimer.
- What you doing up
in Rita's crib, Mortimer?

She, uh, she invited me up here.

I know, I'm just
fucking with you.

How was it? She do you right?

Yeah, um, I just--
I do have to go, though.

- I'm in kind of a hurry.
- Just hold up.

Let me just check with Rita,
make sure it's copacetic.

- What's taking so long, boo?
- Baby, I told you
to wait in the car.

I'm not waiting in no car
in this sketchy-ass hood.

Can you just let me handle
my fucking business?

Let me handle my business.

Rita!

Rita.

She pass out on you?

Is she okay?

Rita, stop meditating.
Hey, wake up.

Wake up!

Hey, Rita...

Oh, shit.

- Shit? Shit what?
- You're a dead, man!

- Is she dead?
- You just let him leave?

You said you was
handling business!
I didn't wanna interfere!

Go get the shotgun
from the bedroom!

Fuck!

You shitbag killed
my bottom bitch! Shitbag!

No, no, no, no, no! I, I--
I didn't do anything to her!

She-she wanted to give me
a blow job, and then she died,

and I-I checked her ID,
it was her death day.

Look, I would never hurt anyone.
Just-just check her ID.

You should check her ID.

You know, you right
about that death date.

That crazy bitch
was on her last legs.

We should get her body,
put it in the trunk of your car,
and go dump it.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

Get the--
Get up. Get up.

So are we... are we good here?

No, no. You still owe me
for Rita's services.

But... but she said
it was a freebie.

This ain't Trader Joe's, bitch.
I ain't handing out
free pussy samples

to dudes off the street.
I'm running a professional
escort service.

You get a hummer, you pay.
You owe me 500 bucks.

- Five hundred dollars
for a blow job?
- Yeah.

Sir, I... I can't afford that.
No, I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm not trying
to be difficult,
but I don't have that money.

- Give me your keys.
- What? No, no!

Come on, give me
your fucking keys,
you little fuck!

Now I got 'em.
Now your car's collateral

till you pay me
what you fucking owe me.

What? You can't do that!

I just did, fucker.

Do you know how hard it is
to run in heels?

- Fuck, take the shotty.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you--

Shit!

Oops.

Here, sweetie,
you forgot your jacket.

Hold on, let me see here.

Oh, look at this.

That's a nice photo
of you. Look.

Mortimer Mortenson,
Sherman Oaks.

- You better have my money.
- Can we go already?

911,
what's your emergency?

Hi, I was just attacked
by a pimp who stole my car.

Are you injured? Do you need
any medical services?

No, I just really want
my car back.

You said your attacker
was a pimp?

Yeah, yeah, he runs
a professional escort service.

They were less than
professional.

Uh, it's kind of complicated,
but the escort,

you know, uh,
died of natural causes.

It was her death date.
And then he showed up.

He demanded money
that I didn't have,
and he got pissed off.

Sir, you are aware
that soliciting a prostitute
is a crime, right?

You know what? Um,
never mind, actually.

Thank you so much for your time.
Have a-- have a nice evening.

I don't know how I let you
sucker me into this, man.

I'm a driver. I don't do this.

I know, I know.
Just one more second.

Just need to...

- Okay. It's good.
Yeah, she's secure.
- Let go?

- All right. I can let go?
- Yeah.

Okay.

You know what we should do?

We should tie some strings
to her, right,

and then we should just,
like, reenact that video.

- You know what I mean?
- When they were like...

- You know what I mean?
- We're not allowed to do that.

Why not? She ain't gonna
tell nobody, look at her.

Thank you, Sid.
I appreciate it a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

Got a black man
hanging a white woman.

Boy, how the times have changed.

Actually feels kind of good,
I ain't gonna lie.

I feel good, deep
in my ancestrial spirit.

I feel like a thousand slaves
are just patting me
on the back right now,

you know what I'm saying?

Whew!

All right, so, gotcha, man.

- Thank you.
- No doubt.

- Hey.
- What up, Barry?

Mort.

Oh, wow.

You...

You are an artist.

Thank you.

I really believe Mr. Telemacher

is gonna love
seeing her off like this.

Wow.

She's sexy, right?

Maybe that's just me.

Hey, let me ask you. Um...

I've been talking
to this new woman online,

and it turns out

she has a sister
who's also single.

And?

And, maybe we could do
some double dating.

I don't know.

What-what is she, like, 60?

She's not 60.

Well, she is the older sister.

I really wish you'd get back
out there, Mort.

I am, actually.

I just joined
this dating service

that matches you with people
based on death dates.

I mean, I'm a little nervous,
but, uh, who knows?

That is awesome.

You're-- you're getting back
in the saddle.

That's so great.

After the way
Nicole humiliated you

and started sleeping with
that really good-looking guy,

I mean... I mean, believe me,
she was beautiful and, like,

her body is really, really hot,
you know what I mean?

And, you know, I remember
when I would see her at dinner,

I'd be like, "Oh my God,
I'd love to do her."

But, you know, I wouldn't,
because of you.

Unless you were into it.
Like, you could've watched.
You know what I mean?

Some people are into that.
Weirdos.

Anyway, but now,

you're going back out there,
and you're...

I'm proud of you.

Anyway, I'm proud of you.

- Hello?
- Mortimer?

Hi, this is he.

Hi, it's Tilda Svensson

from Till Death Do Us Part.

Oh, hi.

I've got some exciting news.

Based on your video,
we've already gotten

several requests for matches.

Really?

That's amazing,
I mean, that was so fast.

Well, we are a professional
dating service, Mortimer.

Check your email inbox
for all the details

- regarding each match.
- Okay, uh, thank you.

Congratulations, Mortimer.
I'm so happy for you.

Happy dating! And remember,

till death do you part!

All right, love you--
Um, yeah, uh, thank you, bye.

- Yes.
- Please don't hurt me!

Yo, relax, relax.
Just wanna talk.

You surprised to see me?
You didn't think

I'd track you down?
I told you I would.

Is that where you work
back there? What d'you do?

Prepare bodies
for final viewing.

So you, like, prepare bodies
for final viewing
at, like, a funeral?

You put makeup on dead people.

That's a perfect job
for a freak like you.

You ever get any cute
dead girls up in there?

I don't know.

You ever think about
fucking one of them

hot dead girls?

- No, that's disgusting!
- I'm just playing.

Come on, hold up.

Yeah, I'm playing.
But I do know some guys
who'd be into that shit.

Could make a little money
on the side, if you want.

So where's my money, man?
You got it?

I get paid today, okay?
So after work,
I'll give you the $500,

you give me the car back,
and we can move on
with our lives.

Five hundred dollars?
It's $1,000, motherfucker.

No, you said it was 500
for Rita's services.

Yeah, but that was
if you would've paid me then.
But now it's 1,000.

This is turning into
the most expensive blow job
in human history.

And look,
I don't have that, okay?

- I have to pay my rent!
- You think I'm fucking stupid?

I've seen you, fucking
Mortenson Funeral Home.

That's your name.
I know you're rolling in dough.

No, it's my family's business,
okay? I just work there.

Well, maybe I should go talk
to your family, tell them

- you're trying
to slip out paying...
- No!

...for your professional
blow job, Morty.

Okay, I'll give you $1,000.
Just please don't involve
my family in this.

- Can we go already?
I'm bored as fuck.
- Morty, I like you though, man.

Shut the fuck up
for two minutes, bitch!

Who the fuck
are you calling a bitch?

I warned you about
calling me that.

I'm gonna call Big Rey,
and he's gonna beat your ass.

Hey, baby. Come on, man,
you know what I mean by that.

You know I don't mean it
like that, baby.

I'll come by your house later.
You better have it.

Mortimer?

Nicole.

Wow, what a crazy coincidence,
running into you here.

Not really. I mean, we used
to shop here all the time
on Saturdays.

It's a been a while.
Like, how long has it been?

A month.

Um, this is Nathaniel,
my fiance. This is Mortimer.

Fiance.

Well, we met right after
you and I broke up.

It was kind of
love at first sight.

- It's been a real whirlwind.
- Yes, it has.

Bro, Mortimer,
so glad to finally meet you.

I'm so sorry about
your whole death day news.

Oh, my God, yeah.
How are you doing?

Are you in pain?

Um, no, no, no.
I'm good, I feel fine.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling fine. I feel fine.

Good. How are you feeling?

Like a stallion.

Hey, babe, I'm gonna go
grab the tabouli.

I'll meet you
at the checkout, okay?

Mortimer, I'm just glad
we had a chance

to finally meet before...

You know.

Be well, my friend. Godspeed.

Don't forget, LDC
can make great party events.

Well, he seems, uh...

Wow, engaged again already.

Actually, we met here
in the Valley
at a dating service

called Till Death Do Us Part.

So Nathaniel and I
have a death day

that's like two weeks
apart from each other.

Um...

How are you doing?
Have you met anyone?

- Met anyone?
- You know, despite
what you might think,

I want you to be happy,
Mortimer.

I am happy, and, uh,
and, yeah, I met someone. Rita.

Rita?

What does Rita do?

She was in the service industry.

Was?

She's taking some time off.

She has a master's in poetry.

Um, she's really big
on words, so...

Um, I'm happy that you met
someone that likes words.

I'm really happy that you met
Mr. Tabouli Stallion.

Well, I should go.

It really was good to see you.

I'm glad you're doing okay.

Dying soon?

Don't forget the chips and dip.

Visit our funeral specials
in aisle seven,

and check out these savings
before your LDC runs out.

Three matches.

Hmm.

She seems nice.

Who is it?

Guess who.

I want my 5,000 bucks.

Open the door.

Five thousand?
You said it was 1,000 for--

Yeah, that was this morning,
then you made me wait
till tonight.

You wasted a lot
of my time, Morty boy.

I want my money. Open up.

I-I don't have it.

You're-you're just trying
to take advantage of me.

I know you got paid today.

Open the fucking door.

You see this?

Don't make me use it.

Go on, then.
I don't even care.

I-I've got a death date
that's due in less than a year,

so I'm gonna die anyway.

Fuck! Fuck!

Motherfucker! Fuck! Fuck!

I got your car, you idiot!

Keep it.

I'm not gonna need it anyway

and, you know,

I've actually learned
that I enjoy riding a bike

instead of sitting
in LA traffic.

You stupid dumbass!

I'm gonna make you wish
you were dead!

Fuck you!

Yo.

You got our money?

Yeah, got our money, bitch?

I didn't get it 'cause
he wouldn't open the door.

Oh.

Oh, you don't gotta get up.

Rey, please,
don't-don't stand up.

He wouldn't open the door?

Then why didn't you
just break it in, then?

Yeah, I tried, I tried,
but he had a club on it.

- Looks like he had the club.
- What the fuck
was this for, then, huh?

I was gonna, uh, well, uh...

- Mm, no...
- Shut the fuck up!

The time to pay up
is running out.

Ticktock, motherfucker!
Ticktock.

I tried to warn you.

Tick tock, boo.

Let's go.

All right.

Drive safe, drive safe.

Yeah, it's crazy out there, Rey.

Heard this place

has the best gnocchi
in the Valley.

- Gnocchi?
- You look lovely.

- Aw, thank you.
- Guh-notchy?

Love the suit.
You know what they say.

Black is the new black.

Do you come here often?

No, I-I never have, actually.

But I saw on your profile
that you like food.

You're really trying
to impress me, aren't you?

I think we need some drinks.

- I like drinks.
- Me too.

My death date is coming up.

- I'm so sorry.
- Don't be.

I hate it when people
act sorry for me.

- I don't even know you.
- Okay.

- I'm cold.
- Here.

Organic cotton?
I have to go to the bathroom.

We just gotta keep our chins up

and try to make the most
of the time we have left.

That's just asinine.

There is no God, no heaven,

- no justice.
- You guys ready to order?

Eating is just
an elaborate farce
to prolong the inevitable.

I prefer to let my body
waste away to dust.

Yeah, I'll have
the vegan burger.

- Do you dance salsa?
- Me?

Uh... no.

- Why not?
- It seems complicated.

It's easy. It's just like sex.

It's all about moving your hips.

I'm not terrible at the whole
hip-moving thing.

I bet not.

Well, that was, um...

interesting.

You hate me.

This date has been

a total fucking disaster.

I guess this is where
we say good night.

Good night.

Aren't you gonna give me
a good night kiss?

Your continued refusal
to face reality

irritates me to the bone.

Uh...

Yeah, sure.

Well, on that pleasant note...

I hope you have
a pleasant evening.

- Is that okay to say?
- Fuck off.

Excuse me. Uh,
have you seen the woman
that I came in here with?

The one with the cool jacket?
I think she left.

You know,
if you're not doing
anything on Saturday night,

maybe we could go see a movie
at Hollywood Forever.

I'd love to,
but, Mortimer,

can I be totally
honest with you?

I'm not really
into commitment right now.

You kind of just left
the restaurant

without saying anything.
Is everything all right?

Yeah, no, um, I'm good,
I was just really tired,

so... I bounced.

That's why I only date guys
with early death dates.

You know, there's just
less strings attached.

You left with my jacket
and my wallet's in the pocket,

so I'm gonna need
to get those back.

Are you saying that I stole
your jacket and wallet?

No, no, I'm not saying that.
I just want my stuff back.

Oh, huh.

Oh, don't be down on yourself.
You were wonderful.

I had such a great time.

Let's just start over, okay?

You can keep the jacket.
I just need the wallet.

First, you try to give me
your jacket to, like,
make me like you,

and then you accuse me
of stealing it,

and now you're asking me
to meet you
in the middle of the night?

What am I, a lady of the night?

Just, please. Hello?

Hello?

Open up, you crooks!
I know you're in there!

Mortimer?

Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- Where's Tilda?

I need to speak to someone
in charge immediately.

No one's around.
We're closed on the weekends.

I just came by to grab
my check. What's up?

What's up is that
on this professional date,

my date took my wallet
and refuses to give it
back to me.

Oh, my God,
that's really fucked up.

I can't say I'm surprised.

Oh, oh, does this happen a lot
with you people?

- I, like--
- I'm sorry, okay? Really, I am.

You seem like a sweet,
gentle human being,

and you have every right
to be pissed off.

- You're darn right I do.
- And for the record,

I just shoot videos
for these dipwads.

I don't screen their clientele.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I, uh...
I'm just having a rough morning.

I've had a lot of those
lately, so...

It's gonna be okay,
I promise.

Hey, I have a brilliant idea.

Why don't you let me
take you to breakfast?

- You don't have to do that.
- No, I insist.

It's the least I could do
after all the bullshit

we put you through.

Okay.

Great.

I like your ride.

It's a little
on the she/her side, though.

Yeah, no, that's because
it's my ex's.

My car was stolen
by this crazy pimp named Simon

who thinks that I accepted
a freebie blow job

from one of his
professional escorts.

- Did you?
- Did I what?

Receive a freebie blow job
from a professional escort?

Oh, no, no, it was just a--
just a misunderstanding.

You've been through a lot.

Biking's great, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, just drop it in
through the mail slot,

and then we won't have
to involve the authorities.

Yeah, okay, great.
Thank you so much.

Okay, psycho girl
is going to drop your wallet

in the next few hours.

Thank you so much.
I really appreciate
you helping me out.

No worries.

This burrito is incredible.

I know, right?

Once you go food truck,
you never go back.

Are you from LA?

No, upstate New York.

I came out here
to be a great director,
or great actor.

Or something, I don't know.
Something really great.

That must be depressing.

Filming losers like me
instead of pursuing your dreams.

Maybe this is my dream.
I just haven't realized it yet.

And you're not a loser,
Mortimer. Okay?

You're just going through
a rough time.

There's no shame in that.

- Can I ask you something?
- Mm-hmm.

Do you have any things
you'd like to do

on your bucket list
before your death date hits?

I guess there's one thing
that's pretty random.

I don't know, you may laugh.

I promise.
I promise I won't laugh.

Unless it's, like,
running buck naked

through the LA Marathon
or something.

Okay, I've never told
anyone this,

but, uh, I want to climb
Mount Fuji.

Really?

Why? Why Mount Fuji?

That's the thing.
There's no real reason.

I just, uh, I mean,
it looks beautiful and serene

and, uh, you know,
I've read that you can have

a spiritual experience
if you climb to the top.

I'm not religious
but, uh, it just seems
like a fun adventure.

- You should do it.
- It's too far.

Oh, well,
there's this new thing.

It's called an airplane.

Yeah, it can take you
to Japan in 12, 13 hours.

Yeah, I've heard of these...

These airplanes, um...

Here you go. Make sure
everything's in there first.

Yep, it's all here.

Good.

Hey, thanks again for breakfast.

No problem.

So anyway, I'm gonna go, but...

I'd love to hang out
with you again.

I'd love to hang out
with you too.

Great.

Goodbye.

So long.

Farewell.

Au revoir.

Hello? Nicole?

Hi.

I just wanted to see
what you've been doing.

How was your day?

I'm doing fine.

Really?

Absolutely.

You still hanging out
with that Rita chick?

How are you guys doing?

Uh...

No, we broke up, actually.

Oh, I'm devastated
for you, babe.

Shit happens.

How are things
with Mr. Tabouli Stallion?

He's such a sweetheart,

but I was wondering
if...

...if you're doing
anything later today.

Uh, no, not really.

Can you come over?

There's something I wanted
to talk to you about.

Hi, sailor.

Hi.

How's the old gal treating you?

Oh, uh, the bike.

Pretty good, I've been
riding it all over
for the past couple weeks.

Good for you.
You look fantastic.

Thank you.

Come in. I'm by the pool.

Have a seat.

Do you want some wine?

Um, sure.

Cheers.

So, what did you
wanna talk about?

I have a confession.

I've been thinking
about you a lot lately.

I miss you.

You know, your timing sucks.

I know, and I'm sorry.

I abandoned you.

But I was scared
when we found out
your death date,

and it's only because
I'm so terrified

of going through losing you,

because I love you.

What about Nathaniel?

I mean, he's...
he's amazing,

but, you know, I had a dream
about us last night.

- I came in my sleep.
- Nicole...

Don't you miss me?
I love you.

Honey, I'm home.

We're out here.

Hey, babe. Mort!
Buddy, how the hell are you?

I... am good.

Good.

We're just catching up.

Is that so?

You know, I... I actually--

- I have to go, so...
- No, no, no, no.

Don't be silly. You--

I'll be right back.
Where do you have to go?

Stay, enjoy.

Yep. Yep, I do,
I have to go, it's--

Have a seat, Mortimer.

Relax.

You look really tense.

Tense? No, I'm not...

Not tense. I'm, uh,
loose, if anything.

W-what are you--
what are you doing?

I'm just trying to take away
that mountain of stress

that's been crushing you.

Poor guy, you're so wound up.

Relax.

Just go with it, okay?

Can I ask you
a personal question?

Why not? Why not?

When you and Nicole were dating,

did you guys ever try pegging?

Pegging? What is that,
like, cribbage?

Wait, oh, my God,
you don't know what pegging is?

Oh. Mortimer, pegging's
when a girl puts on a dildo

and bangs the shit out of a guy.

It's really something. Just--

Nicole, she...
she's a fucking natural.

Really knows
how to hit my G-spot.

Goddamn!

I'm gonna get into
some deep body work
and open up those chakras.

I... I gotta go.

Are you boys playing nice?

Hello?

Hello, Mortimer. It's Kate.

Kate, hi.

Are you free tomorrow?

Yes. Um...

I think so. Let me see.

Yes, I happen to be
free tomorrow.

Great. I was...

thinking that I could get you
out of the Valley.

Could do a little exploring.
How does that sound?

That sounds wonderful.

Awesome.

I'll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Life is a very precious thing.

And when we lose
the ones we love,

it can be hardest
on those left behind.

I guess in times like these,
I try and be philosophical

and remember that...

life is unpredictable.

As much as we try
and control the narrative,

that universe keeps
throwing us curveballs.

We might as well just treat it
like a roller coaster.

Buckle up and see
where the ride takes us.

She looks good.

Very good.

Coming.

- Hello there. Oh, hi.
- I'm looking
for Mort the pervert.

- What?
- Is he here?

No, sorry. Get out of my--

Shh.

I'm not gonna hurt you.
Or maybe I am, I don't know.

But this ain't about you.
It's about your lame-ass
man friend, Mortimer.

You know he received
an unauthorized blow job

from one of my professional
escorts, and now
he's trying to screw me?

And that girl is gone.
She is gone.

She's gone to heaven.

Now, I want you to tell Mort
the next time you see him,

would you give him
a message for me?

Yeah.

You tell him Simon says
he better have my money in full

by midnight tomorrow,
or my next visit

ain't gonna be
so fucking pleasant.

You hear me, sweetheart? Okay?

- Yeah, yeah.
- You got it? Okay.

I like this.
You're really talented.

Have a nice day.

Hello? Kate?

Oh, God. Are you all right?

A guy named Simon came by.
He said to give you a message.

You have until tomorrow night
to pay him,

or he's going to hurt me.

Son of a bitch.

He strangled me.

I'm so sorry, Kate.

I had no idea
that he would do this.

He said you owed him
for an unauthorized blow job?

That was true?
Wait, you were serious?

I just thought you had,
like, a really fucked up
sense of humor.

No. I mean, not really.

Kind of.

I met this woman at a bar,

and she invited me back
to her place for a drink.

And turns out,
it was her death day,
that same day.

This pimp,
this shakedown artist arrives,

and he tells me that I owe him
all this money

for an unauthorized blow job
that I did not receive.

And so he took my car
as collateral,

and I've just been basically
avoiding him since then.

No, you need to call
the police, Mortimer.

- No, no, no, I can't.
- Mort, he's crazy!

He just attacked me!
He stole your car.

- I know, I know.
- Okay, then call the cops.

And then what?
He gets out on bail

and he comes after you again,
or my family?

I just have to pay him.
I need to finish this
once and for all.

You don't need to do that.

Yeah, I do.

You must think
I'm the biggest scumbag
in the world right now.

No, I... I don't.

All right, let's see
what we have here.

Mrs. Harrison.

What's the matter, Mortimer?

You knew you were gonna
see me here sooner

rather than later.

Yeah, but it's still a shock.

Hm, that's life, Mortimer.

So what's the matter?

That crazy pimp
still getting you down?

Yeah, I have to go after work
to pay him off

so that he'll leave me and my...

My friend Kate alone.

I'm just so pissed right now.

Well, if you want my advice,

I would run off
with that nice girl
and do something fun,

like climb Mount Fuji.

I wish I could, but I have
to deal with this first.

My life has just been
so crazy recently.

I mean, between
the pimp situation,

and I finally meet a girl
that I really like.

It's called living, Mortimer.

Well, not for long.
My death date's coming up.

But how do you feel now?

I don't know. Angry, afraid,

happy, excited,
all at the same time.

I've just been
so emotional recently.

Like you've actually
started living?

Yeah.

Well,
let's get you ready.

Today's a big day.
There's a lot of people
coming to see you.

Goodbye, Mrs. Harrison.

Oh, look who it is.
Walking dead man.

Don't you ever disobey me again,
you hear me?

You got my money?

Show me.

How much is in there?

Six grand, way more
than you asked for,

'cause I knew you were gonna
ask for more anyway.

So there you go.
It's yours, have it, okay?

We're good here.
Just leave us alone.

- One more thing.
- Enough with this shit.

No, you're fucking done
when I say you're done.

And Simon says you're gonna
pay me a thousand dollars

every week from now on.

Yeah? Well, Mortimer says

go fuck yourself.

You--

You fucking...

Yeah, motherfucker!

Fuck! Fuck!

I think I'll go over
to your little girlfriend's
house, huh?

Give her what she really want.

You hear me, asshole?

What you think about that?

Fuck! Now you're really starting
to piss me off.

Morty. Hey, Mort!

Make me look good!

Oh, my God. Come here.

You hurt?

A little, yeah.

Come on.

Yeah, no, it's fine, Mom.

I'm just gonna be gone
for-for two weeks.

I'm sure Uncle Barry
will be fine without me.

Okay, yeah, no, I'll...

I'll be careful on the ascent.

Yeah, no, I--
I love you too.

Okay, bye.

Got you something.

- Got me something?
- Yeah.

What is this?

Just a little something
to help you pass the time

on the long flight to Tokyo.

- A box?
- Mmm.

Not just any box, my friend.

This is a Japanese puzzle box.

There's a secret inside,
but you can only get to it

by doing a series
of complex moves.

They say it takes hours
to solve.

Thank you so much.
This is great.

What's wrong?

Just wish I met you sooner.

It's better late
than never, right?

Yeah.

- How are we doing on time?
- We're good.

We have everything?
We have passports,

the cash, hotel info?

Relax. Everything's
all taken care of.

The tickets!
We forgot the tickets!

They're in your bag.

Shit.

Got 'em!

Mort?

Just hold on, okay?

Just stay still, okay?
Stay still.

We were so close.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Okay, don't try to talk. Just...

Help is on the way.

Thank you for everything.

This has been the best time
of my life.

Me too, Mort. Me too.

Please, please just hang on.
Hang on.

We're going to climb
Mount Fuji, remember?

Kate, goodbye.

No!

Goodbye.

So long.

Farewell.

Au revoir.

If you could do it over,

would you still
wanna know your LDC?

Yeah, of course.

Why?

Well, knowing isn't easy.

I lost someone I cared about,
and now I'm here.

It set me on a different path
than the one I was on,

for better or worse,

and it forces me to think
about not just my life,

but the meaning of life
in general.

Guess I'm around death so much,
I kind of forgot about living.

After finding out my death day,

every day seems to matter more.

Every encounter
seems more important.

I've only just begun to realize
how important it is to be loved

and to love others.

Not just the romantic
kind of love, but all love.

I've started to notice
that people come into your life

for a reason.

They touch you in some way.
You touch them back.

It's strange, but...

it seems like everyone's
connected in some way,

like a tapestry
of personalities.

Death is unavoidable.

But then again, so is life.

Hey, my name's, uh,
Barnabas Mortenson.

Uh, my friends know me
as Barry. Uh, Hairy Barry.

I mean, I don't have
a lot of hair but, like,

that was just a nickname
in high school.

And I'm a freewheeling guy.
I have my own business
here in Sherman Oaks,

and I enjoy popcorn
and margaritas.

So long.

Farewell.

Au revoir.