All language subtitles for Paternity (Steinberg, David 1981)_WEBRip

- Morning, Mr. Evans.
- Morning, Jim.

♪ Papa says Dada ♪

♪ Baby says Dada, too ♪

♪ Mama goes gaga ♪

♪ Baby goes goo-goo-goo ♪

♪ Now, that's hardly
fancy phraseology ♪

♪ And yet it's understood ♪

♪ Babies agree ♪

♪ A little baby talk
works real good ♪

♪ Papa waves bye-bye ♪

♪ Baby waves bye-bye, too ♪

♪ Mama says don't cry ♪

♪ Baby goes boo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ You could spend your life ♪

♪ In child psychology ♪

♪ You wouldn't find a clue ♪

♪ But plain as can be ♪

♪ A little baby talk
sees you through ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ If we eliminate
words that keep us apart ♪

♪ Then maybe ♪

♪ We could communicate
face to face ♪

♪ And heart-to-heart ♪

♪ Time to say night-night ♪

♪ Mama say night-night, too ♪

♪ Papa tells Mama ♪

♪ Baby, it's only me ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ Let's make nice-nice now ♪

♪ And let biology ♪

♪ Step in and save the day ♪

♪ Eventually, another baby
may come to stay ♪

♪ Obviously ♪

♪ A little baby talk
paved the way ♪

Forty-four and still going strong, huh?

- I feel almost 43.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- You look good. I'll tell you that.

- You tell Rudy... - The sign
was my idea. Do you like it?

- Take it down.
- I knew you'd like it.

I'll take it down.

Living alone all these years
has made you cranky.

You can't spend your birthday alone.

Why don't you let Betty
and I take you out tonight?

It's later than you think.

- Good morning, Mr. Evans.
- Morning, Jerry.

Forty-four, your age, is when it hit me.

- What hit ya?
- My mortality.

Your what? My mortality.
Hit me like a brick.

Hey, Mr. Evans, what's the
line-up of the game tonight?

- The Jets in two, Carlos.
- Great.

He used to be a fighter. Lightweight. Middle-weight.

Yeah, well, he's a good middleweight.

- Good middle-weight?
- He's 44.

I woke up one morning, I said,

"Kurt, stand up, look around you.

"The world is changing."

The pitcher's going out to the mound

in a God damn golf cart.

Yes, sir, a man has gotta have something

to leave behind him when
he goes, am I right?

Right.

Here you are, my best friend.

You manage Madison Square Garden,

you're popular, I used to feel inferior.

Then it dawned on me.
What dawned on you?

"Kurt," I said, "Hell,
you've got a beautiful home,

"you got one terrific family.

"What more could
a man want?"

A nice home, a nice family.

What do you got? You've got
an apartment and plants.

What kind of life is that?

Yesiree, I got one wonderful family.

By the way, if you see
my son this afternoon,

tell him I'm still alive.

Morning, Cindy.

Happy birthday,
Mr. Evans. Thank you.

A lot of people have nothing like you.

Hi, big guy.
Hi, little guy.

Happy birthday.
Oh, thank you.

Mail, phone calls,

and the network people are in your office.

Remember me?
I live with your mother.

"Dad," right?

I think that just about sums it up.

The film speaks for itself.

See? The sport's
wide-open.

I've got an
11:00 appointment.

If you've got any more questions,

Why don't you talk
to Kurt here? And, of course,

we can show slap shot for between periods.

You can run the film again.

Why don't we run the film again?

He has an 11:00
appointment, apparently.

Ross passes to Michelle,

Michelle crosses the blue line.

He shoots. He scores!

Well, there you are.

It's just not convincing.

And to be frank, it's Mr. Evans'
input we came here to get.

Well, I'll be frank with you, gentlemen.

Mr. Evans
is a very pressured man.

I mean, you're very lucky

he's fit you into his schedule like this.

Everybody's after his time,

politicians, religious
leaders, corporate giants.

Feed me, big guy.

All right. There we go.

Good shot. Go over there.

Feed me.

So, how old are you?

- Forty-four.
- Wow!

What do you mean, "Wow"?

Maybe you'd better sit down.

I'm in great shape.
What are you talking about?

I never knew anyone who was 44 before.

Your dad's got friends
that are 44 or older.

Yeah?

Maybe I'm missing something in life.

May I ask you a question?
Sure.

Do I seem, uh, incomplete to you?

I had a teacher,
Mr. Collins, he was 43.

Is he complete?
No. He's dead.

He died of a heart attack.

Went just like that, bingo.

Bingo.

- Evans?
- Right over there.

There. They're inside.
Come on.

♪ It's your birthday today ♪

♪ And everybody here's gotta say, hey ♪

♪ 'Cause it's your birthday today ♪

♪ So make a wish ♪

♪ Blow out the candles ♪

♪ Have a big piece of cake ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't have any love handles ♪

♪ It's your birthday today ♪

♪ And everybody here's gotta say ♪

♪ Hey, it's your birthday today ♪

Very nice.

♪ Your wife will make that special meal ♪

♪ Your kids will bring your slippers ♪

♪ What a lucky guy, what a family ♪

♪ Especially those little nippers ♪

- Very talented.
- Thank you very much.

♪ So sing and dance ♪

♪ Jump and shout, whoo! ♪

♪ It's your birthday today ♪

All right.
I'm not married.

Oh. Oh. Okay, uh...

So, uh...

♪ Go on out now and
find that wonderful girl ♪

♪ You're only 44 ♪

♪ Hey, you got
plenty of time ♪

♪ Hurry up! What are
you waiting for? ♪

♪ It's your birthday today ♪

♪ And everybody here's gotta say ♪

♪ Hey, that it's your birthday ♪

Come on, everybody!

♪ Talk about your birthday ♪

♪ It's your birthday ♪

Is anybody singing?
♪ To... ♪

Fine.

So what's bothering your Buddy?

He thinks he's getting old.

He's got nothing to leave behind

that says, "Buddy Evans
was here."

Oh. Pretty girl.

We don't say pretty anymore.
That's sexist.

Now we say she's got good bone structure.

You should know.
You're a doctor.

I think the problem is he
has nothing to leave behind.

There's nothing to say,
"Buddy Evans was here."

Doesn't look too good either. Why don't
you come in? I'll give you a physical.

I came in last week.
You did?

Yeah. You said I looked
fine, fit as a fiddle.

"Fit as a fiddle?" I never
said "Fit as a fiddle" in my life.

You ever hear me "Fit as a fiddle"?

Maybe he didn't say that.
He said I looked fine.

All right. So what's
he worried about?

You know something? I've
got nothing to leave behind.

Nothing to say that Buddy Evans was here.

That's a good point.
Yeah.

Maybe the problem is he's
basically a cold person.

He's not really a cold person.

Kids like him. Yeah,
kids like me, don't they?

My kid likes you.
So what's missing?

Maybe he should get married,
like the rest of us.

Married? Buddy? No way.
I'm not gonna get married.

He can't live with anyone.

He could try.
Buddy, look, look.

Of all the guys I know,

you're the one guy who has everything.

No wife, no kids, no house, no mortgage.

What else could you ask for?

I don't know.
I envy you.

Just relax. Take two aspirin.
Call me in the morning.

Take the rest of the day off.

Hi. I like your bone structure.

There's a $2 minimum.

What, David? No, no,
that's not an alligator.

Now, you see, there's
the daddy bird up there.

And there's the mommy
bird in the nest there.

She sits on the eggs until they hatch.

Some animals, boys and girls,
like the earthworm,

can either be a mommy or a
daddy, depending on who they meet.

Just like my uncle Barry.

It takes all kinds.

That's for sure.

Some wild animals, boys and girls,

have interesting mating habits.

For instance, when we go back to the zoo,

you'll see the emu bird.

Now, the emu is a fascinating bird,

because the mommy just lays the eggs.

And she leaves them there
for the daddy to hatch,

and raise, all by himself.

Now, does anyone know what we call

a kind of mommy that
just produces offspring

and leaves them for someone else to raise?

I'd call her lucky.
And smart.

We call that mother a surrogate mother.

All right, now just follow me here.

You? A son?

Oh, come on.

That's the whole point.

I want to have a child, an heir, you know.

And who will you get to play
the mother in this little comedy?

Don't you read the papers?

I'm the most eligible bachelor in town.

As a bachelor, you might be eligible,

but, as a husband...

I don't know.

I don't think anybody's ever
gonna stay married to you.

Well, I'm not getting married.

I'm hiring a surrogate mother.

I'll raise the child myself, like the emu.

Say what?

That's a bird,

and the male raises the offspring.

You can't live with anyone,
child, woman or emu.

You are the original
Mr. Perfection.

Pencils on the desk, books on the shelf,

Socks in the right-hand
side of the drawer.

Well, I admit that I am
perfect in some ways,

but there's something missing in my life.

I mean, when I leave, what's to say

that Buddy Evans was here?

Oh...

What's the matter with that plant?

It's dying.

$500 plants don't die.

Then we'll just say it's passing away.

Celia?

I love children.

Somebody else's.

Who don't?

Besides, you a cold fish.

You mean 'cause I don't go around

hugging people all the time?

That's exactly what I mean.

I have inner warmth.

You could have fooled me.

Hello, baby.

Hello, my little baby.

You see, this one is healthy.

You're gonna raise this kid all alone?

It's now. It's contemporary.
Can't you see that?

I can see legal problems.
That's what I can see.

Why don't you just adopt?

Because I want a kid of my own, thank you.

It's not gonna work.
Of course, it's gonna work.

You just draw up the contract,
you spell everything out.

Let's talk about her qualifications.

She's got to be perfect, that's all.

Beautiful, intelligent, clean.

Who's going to find this mystery lady?

We are.
"We"?

Come on, buddy, no woman is gonna do this.

A woman will do this.

We just have to find her, that's all.

Miss, excuse me.
You have a minute?

Me and my colleagues here
are having an argument.

We need a female opinion.
An honest opinion.

We have this friend...

Distant friend.
Distant friend.

Who would like to have a son.

But he doesn't want to get married.

Why not? Is he gay?

No, he's not gay.
He's not gay.

See, the question is,
do you feel, as a woman,

you feel, as a woman, that
you could carry the child

of a man who wasn't your husband?

Why not? Having a baby's
just a biological function.

See? There you are.

A rational young lady.

Let's get back to the
qualifications, right? Okay.

She shouldn't be too short.

Oh, Celia says she should
have healthy breasts.

I agree with Celia.

Maggie! Up here!

I've been waiting for you.

You've got a letter from France.

Here. Wait here.
Don't go away.

Just wait right there.

I can't open it.
Open it.

Oh, no, I can't open it.

Open it.

So?

I got it.

You got it?
Yeah.

Oh, Maggie, that's wonderful!
You've been accepted.

She's going to Paris
and studying with Devereux.

I can't go.

He's the best brass teacher in the world.

I can't go.
When do you go?

Cathy, I can't go.

What do you mean, you can't go?

Where am I gonna get this kind of money?

We're talking big money here.

I've got to get there.
I've got to pay tuition.

There's living expenses. I
couldn't work if I'm studying.

I don't think I have this kind of money.

How much do you need?
More than I've got.

What about the job at the restaurant?

You can't go to France on tips.

I'd have to give lessons
to every brat in the city.

But you can do it.
I know you.

If anyone can do it, you can do it.

I've got a class.
I gotta go.

Hey!

Oh.

Au revoir.

You can do it.

Hi.

Diane Cassabello?
In there.

Hey, you. You can't
go in there like that.

Why not?
You gotta wear a coat.

I can't wear this.

Sorry, pal. It's state law.

For hygiene.

Diane Cassabello around?

Coming through.

Thanks, Mario.

Diane?
Buddy!

Hi.
Hi! How are you?

Fine. You working
here now?

Yeah. Just for
a couple of days.

Thatcher's Temporary Service sent me here.

Tomorrow I work at Tiffany's.

What are you
doing here? Um, well...

I came to see you.
Me?

Oh, Buddy, this is Mario.

Hi, Mario.

Is there somewhere we can we go
and talk, where it's a little quieter?

Buddy, I can't.
I'm working.

But I have something
very important to tell you.

Didn't we have a wonderful time together?

Us?
Yes.

We had a terrible time together.

Sure, at the end of the relationship, yes.

But, in the beginning, it was wonderful.

It was only a week.

Yeah, but Monday and
Tuesday were terrific.

Buddy?
Yes.

What do you want?

I want you to have my baby! I
want you to be the mother of my son!

Me?

You want to marry me?

No.
Oh.

I don't want to marry you. I just
want you to be a surrogate mother.

I mean, Buddy, I mean,
you're the most el...

Eligible bachelor in the city.

You could have anybody.

Of course, but...
Of course,

I don't want a chorus girl
for the mother of my baby.

Well, why me? You're
the first person I thought of

when I thought about having a baby.

You're gentle, and you're sensitive,

And you're the most vulnerable person...

God, that's disgusting!

Buddy... I'm sorry.

I mean, I think that you're a great guy.

And I think that you have
a fabulous sense of humor.

And I'm sure that somebody is
gonna wanna have a baby for you.

But it's not me.
Oh.

Maybe we should go...

It was great seeing you again, Buddy.

Great seeing you again.

Bye.
Bye.

Here. So Diane's the lucky woman, eh?

Diane's involved with a butcher.

But, Connie, that's the
woman I'm seeing tonight.

She's, uh, she's something.

I mean, absolutely gorgeous, and...

She's gonna relate to what I'm asking.

So Connie's the lucky woman, eh?

Connie's not as serious as she used to be,

but, Emily, the one
I'm seeing this afternoon...

I tell ya, I got a hunch about her.

So when do we get to meet Emily?

Emily's, uh, thinking about it.

But, Veronica, she's the one

that's coming over to
the office this afternoon.

God, I haven't seen her in six years.

But I'll tell you something, Kurt.

It would be a lot of fun
having a baby with her.

She's got a body that doesn't quit!

Come in. It's open.

I tell you, Kurt, I am so nervous.

It's 10:00 in the morning, and
I'm having a vodka and tonic.

When's the last time you knew me to have
a vodka and tonic at 10:00 in the morning?

Uh, anyway, the two you're
gonna see this afternoon

are the cream of the crop.

Uh, the first one is Miss Werner.

She's outside now, waiting for me.

Yeah, you'll like her.

But, the second one, Miss Jacqueline...

Now, this is a class act.

I know what was wrong before.

I was too aggressive.

I have a very good feeling
about these two ladies.

I hope so, Buddy, because this is it.

I'm a lawyer, not a pimp.

Right.

Kurt...

Listen to this.

Quinby.

What?

Quinby.

"Quinby"?

It's a Scandinavian name.

It's from Scandinavia.

Kurt?

Quinby?

Hi.

It's Daddy. I'm home.

Laurie.

Tell Miss, uh, Werner to come in, please.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hello.

I'd like to make this
as pleasant as possible.

Wonderful.

Um, sit down.
Thank you.

Oh, I was just looking at this book here

Of children's names.

Quinby.

How do you like that?

Quinby.

It sucks.

What are those?

What are what?
Those things on your teeth.

They're braces.

I know they're braces.
But do you have to wear them?

No. They're the latest
in costume jewelry.

Of course I have to wear them.

I see.

Well, it's just that...

I don't want my son to look like Jaws 2.

Well, he could end up with your forehead.

What's wrong with my forehead?

Look at those lines.
What lines?

Looks like it's suffering from erosion.

As long as we're talking about looks,

your nose isn't exactly classic.

Has anyone ever suggested

that you plant corn in your eyebrows?

My eyebrows are fine.

Sure. If you're
into wildlife.

That's very amusing.

Thank you.

As long as we're talking about hair,

about that mat on your head...

What about it?

Well, do you shampoo it,

or do you have it crop-dusted?

That is the rudest man I have ever met.

Please, forgive him.

This is very important to him.

I can understand about my braces.

But there is nothing wrong with my nose.

It's a terrific nose.
I'm Miss Lofton,

I'm the interior decorator
that Mr. Evans hired,

to do a room in his apartment.

I don't have an appointment,
but, um, what if I...

Oh, well, there's his
secretary, there. Laurie!

Yes. Hi. I'm Jenny Lofton,
the decorator.

Hi. Do you have
an appointment?

No. But he called me last
week about doing a room

in his apartment, and
I think I better meet him.

I had a few minutes, that was it.

I'm sorry. I can't let you in
without an appointment.

Why don't you just
let me just pop in, okay?

Okay.

Quinby sucks!

Mr. Evans?
Whoa.

Hi. I'm Jenny.
I know.

I mean, I know who you are.
I've been expecting you.

You have?

Yeah.

Make yourself at home.

Thank you.

Is that Fordham?
Yeah.

Listen, I'm sorry if this
seems a little rushed,

but I'm suppose to be
meeting my aunt downtown.

She's getting a big award
from her union today.

They're going around
Manhattan on this boat.

The Circle Line.

You did go to Fordham.
I went to Columbia.

Good. That's very good.
I like that.

I liked it, too.

Quinby.

Quinby.

No, thanks. I never
drink on the job.

It's not a drink.
It's a boy's name.

Quinby.
Huh.

Hmm.

You know what it means?

"From the woman's womb."
It's Scandinavian.

That makes sense.
Yeah.

Let's not get all fouled up
In this sexual mystique.

It's a business transaction, cut and dry.

Boy, am I glad you said that.

I can't tell you how many
men take it for granted...

Just throw those thoughts
right out of your head. Thank you.

You come here, you do
a service, I pay you for it.

Right.

Completely unemotional.
Completely.

May I see your breasts?

What?

It's without any sexual
stimulation. No emotion.

We're talking about tools of the trade.

When you look at my...

Oh, God.

I want to be completely open about this.

When you look at my genitals,

you're not looking at my genitals.

Think of them as a potato peeler.

Maybe not a potato peeler.

Don't forget
your 2:00 meeting.

Mr. Evans!

Back at 2:00!

Hi, folks.

Bank and Hudson.
Follow that cab.

Bank and Hudson.
Will you follow the cab.

Bank and Hudson.
It's an emergency.

I'm not getting out.
Fine. I'll drop you off.

Hey, folks, I'll follow that cab.

Step on it!

I'm going as fast as the law permits, sir.

I won the Auto Company Award

for most courteous cabdriver in the city.

Three years running.

No kidding.

I really appreciate this.

As soon as we can catch that cab,

drop me off.
Go where you wanna go

and I'll pay for it.

No, I have three students waiting.

It's $20 per half hour.

I'll pay for everything.

Red light.

It's not a red light.
That's a yellow light.

Look, they're all
running it. You run it.

I can't break the law, sir.

I've never had a moving violation.

Of course you've never
had a moving violation.

You can't get a moving
violation. Unless you're moving!

It's green.
Here we go.

We're losing it.
We're losing the taxi.

Who are we losing?

We're losing mother of my future child.

Hey. Don't I know you
from someplace?

Yeah. The coffee shop, Woodson's.

I'm Maggie.

Hi, Maggie.
I'm Randy.

Who cares?

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,

today, before we go out
on our annual outing...

Those people are walking faster than us.

There's an old lady just ran right by us.

You just sit back, relax
and enjoy the view.

Hold it!
Make a U-turn.

She said she was going to the circle line.

♪ I love New York ♪

♪ I love New York ♪

Red light!

I would like to present

the award for lifelong service

to Ethel Lofton.

After I started in ladies' undergarments

way back,

my mother, God rest her soul,

had only one thing to say to me,

"Why?"

Thank you, Ethel.

Uh, ladies, um...

You're paying for this boat by the hour.

So enough talk.
Let's get a move on.

Can you go a little faster?

Just a little faster?

I never exceed 35 miles per hour.

It's the law.

What law?
This is New York.

Jenny!

Am I glad to see you.

There's a crazy man following me.

Where?
In a taxi.

He's been following me all day.

Ethel, I don't think
we ought to stand here.

Come on. Get on the boat.

No one on without a button.

What a terrific day.

I really enjoy meeting new people.

Curb side is the safe side.

Give me a break, Raymond.

Thank you for not slamming the door.

Have a nice day.

Hey, he took my horn!

All aboard for this
once-in-a-lifetime tour

around glorious Manhattan island.

Jenny!

You're what?

Okay, ladies, we're almost on our way.

Step lively!

Hey, where's your button?

I lost it.

Jenny!

Jenny! Jenny!

Jenny! Jenny! I'm getting off the boat.

I didn't mean the crack about the breasts!

There you are!

You've got my horn.

Mr. Evans!

We're not talking about

tone-deaf children from Westchester.

Tuffy Daniels has promise.

Now, Joey has a slight embouchure problem.

You know, the muscles that form the mouth.

That Darby kid is a little screwed up,

but today is the first
lesson that I've missed.

I... I can't afford this.

Mr. Evans, I just
can't afford this.

I want you to look right over there.

There. See?
Beth Israel Hospital.

I had my gallbladder out there in '62.

Terrific hospital.

Fantastic nurses.

Clean.

Food...

It's kind of atrocious,

but it's better than over in Jersey.

Never get sick in Jersey.

Hospitals in Jersey...
They stink.

You really love her, don't you?

Who?

Jenny.

Jenny who?

The Jenny we've been
chasing all afternoon.

I don't even know her.

But you said she was
the mother of your child.

Supposed to be.

I don't get this.

She's a surrogate mother.

Oh. Oh, you mean she's
going to have your baby.

Not anymore.

I'm not gonna have a baby
with a woman like that.

Too temperamental.

Just mention the word breasts,

she goes bananas.

What's your name, again?
Maggie.

That's right. Maggie.
Right.

Why don't you just get married?

I don't want a wife.

I want a son.

What for?

For me.

For history. You know.

And I want something that says,

"Buddy Evans was here."

Well, there's a whole boatload of people

that will remember you forever.

You wouldn't understand.
You're too young.

Age has nothing to do with it.

I can understand your
wanting to have a child.

A lot of people want that experience

sometime in their lives,

even me.

But...

I don't wanna get married

or have anything to do with kids really.

I... I can't
handle children.

Okay, now we're coming up

on the United Nations

where they do all that world stuff,

but first, I want you to look over there

to the Bellevue Hospital.

I had a herniated disc fixed up there.

Top-class doctors.
Top-class.

I got lucky.
I had an oriental.

Take my advice.
You got a herniated disc,

get yourself an oriental.

Okay, that's $60 for the students,

$20 for Mrs. Darby,
$23 for the cab,

including the tip,

and then $25,000 to have your child.

Do you think $25,000 is a lot of money?

Yes.

Yes. $25,000 is an
enormous amount of money.

It's not an enormous amount, but...

$50,000 is an enormous amount of money.

Now, folks, you can't see it,

but way over there to the west

is Roosevelt Hospital.

That's where my brother-in-law

had his nasal polyps removed.

Now, Roosevelt Hospital
is okay in my book.

And if the west side hospitals

are not quite up to
the east side hospitals,

they're still not as bad

as the hospitals over in Jersey.

I can't emphasize strongly
enough that there'll be

no emotional involvement whatsoever.

Whoa!

Gonna eat that?

It's full of preservatives.

Do you know how many
preservatives are in here? Huh?

Put this on the railing.

Come back 23 years from now.

The boat will be gone.

That'll still be sitting
there, ready to eat.

That's how many
preservatives are in there.

Do I have to live with you?

You don't have to live in the
same bedroom or anything.

I got a room.

I've redone it and everything.

I don't anticipate any real problem.

It's a very simple contract.

It's more of a rider, really.

I've laid it out.

When you talk to Maggie,

I want you to talk very slowly.

She's naive about contracts.

I don't wanna be pushy
with her, all right?

Carlos!
Yo.

I want the circus in 11 hours!

Evans, we can do it in ten.

You can do it in nine!

Ah. Okay, you got it.

Remember, she's inexperienced,

So don't be too assertive.

Good morning.
I just said that.

Did you?

Be serious.

Don't smile at them.

Keep your hands like this.

No, don't keep them...

Morning, Maggie.

This is Ms. Kursahn,
my lawyer.

Lawyer.

You're six minutes
late, Mr. Evans.

I trust in the future

you'll act in a more professional manner.

I'll try.

We've prepared a psychological profile.

A psychological profile.

Just certain questions

for the purpose of protecting my client.

Well, I have nothing to hide.

Any history of homosexuality,

sado-masochism, necrophilia?

Any history of insanity in your family?

Of course not.

Why are you asking these questions?

You asked me.

I didn't know you.

Well, I don't know you either.

I have an office.
I have a secretary.

I'm sure lots of necrophiliacs
have secretaries.

That's true.

Now, we would like to determine

the number of impregnation attempts

before charging additionally.

Charged for what?

In case you fail.

Fail?

In case I fail.

Well, there are certain possibilities.

Such as?

Um...
Sterility.

Premature ejaculation.

Uh, impotence.

Oh.

Over the course of history,

it has been known
to happen, Mr. Evans.

Not over the course of my history.

May we continue?

The next thing you know,

they're gonna be asking me
to take my pants down.

Oh. Not yet.

I think it's good to get
these things out in the open.

This stuff is fascinating.

"In some countries,

"its still widely believed

"that a bath in baking-soda,

"prior to the act of lovemaking,

"will promote the birth
of a male offspring."

Did you know that?

What are you doing to these plants?

This is incredible.

"If you want to assure a male child,

"you make love
standing up."

What's all the carrying on about?

Why don't you just jump in the sack

and make yourselves a baby?

Jump in the sack?

We're talking about creating a baby here,

not just jumping in the sack
as you so elegantly put it.

This is a scientific venture.

Scientific venture?

Boy, you sure are a cold fish.

Don't you call me that.

Come in here. I wanna show you something.

This stuff is fascinating.

Did you know that,
"Wearing of loose underwear

"increases the chances
of conception?"

So does the wearing of no underwear.

Also, "The pain of childbirth

"is no longer a medical matter.

"It's a scientific fact."

You see,

you can't even get your
guppies to fool around.

They're young.
Give them a chance.

Are you changing my tie again?

Yes.

This is fascinating
reading. Hear this.

If you wanna be positive

that you're gonna have a male child,

you have to make love standing up.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

You wanna know
the reason why? No.

I'll tell you the reason.

The reason being that,

"the sperm carrying the male sex factor

"is stronger at first

"than the sperm carrying
the female sex factor."

The only factor I know about

is when you hold a baby up

and there's a factor hanging down,

it's a boy.

If there isn't, it's a girl.

Cute.

"It's a scientific fact

"that the male sperm swims faster

"than the female sperm."

Oh?
Mmm-hmm.

What do they do,

have a race?

Hello, babies!

Hello, my little babies.

Hello, my little...

Baby?

I never knew anybody

who got pregnant on purpose before.

You think I'm crazy, don't you?

No. It's a lot of money.

I can't tell whether I'm undecided or not.

The deadline's next week.

I mean, I guess it's no big deal.

He seems really straight.

He's got a lawyer and a
contract and everything.

We won't get all hot and heavy.

And, it's gonna be

totally unemotional.

The last thing I need right now

is to get involved with some guy.

It's the last thing I need.

What is that?

It's the sounds of nature

during the time of conception.

It makes all the difference in the world.

You're kidding?

It's the sound of the blue whale in love.

My favorite.

Listen. I wanna
make something

very clear to you.

This is a business transaction.

Nothing emotional involved.

Check.

Mmm.

It's freezing.

It's the mirror.

They're made that way.

Are you ready?

Check.

Stop saying check!

Oh...

It's just lying there.

Well, give me a minute.

I think it's dead.

Well, I know it's not dancing, but...

I know it's not dead.

Oh, no. Your fish...

My fish?

No. Your fish
in the tank.

I think that fish is dead.

Oh, my God, it's my koi.

I brought him over from Hawaii.

He'd had to be over 100 years old.

I mean, they're supposed to be good luck!

Do you ever go to Hawaii,
and stay at the Hilton?

Mr. Evans,

why don't we just get this over with?

Well, let's try to concentrate
on what we're doing, all right?

Now, you know why the two of us are here.

You see, the problem is...

It's not clinical enough.

The problem is, it's too clinical.

Do you have any fantasies?

I don't need fantasies.

Everybody has some fantasies.

Oh, I have some.

Like what?

I'm not gonna tell you.

If I tell you,

then they're stories,
they're not fantasies.

I keep to myself.
They're my fantasies.

I have one.

I don't want to hear about it.

I'm sitting all alone in a bar...

Smoke-filled atmosphere...

Suddenly,

across the room,

the most...

Attractive,

sultry,

sexy woman I've ever seen.

Well...

I walk in...

Someplace classy,

like the oak room in the Plaza Hotel.

I walk towards her.

I notice that she has a beauty mark.

Oh, right there.

I say...

"Can I buy you
a drink?"

She says,

"No.

"A drink is not
what I want."

I say, "What do
you want?"

She says,

"You...

"Now."

Then she gets up

and goes.

Where are you going?

Meet me at the Plaza in one hour.

Where?

The oak bar, one hour.

Well, let's try.

You're really going to do it?

Yeah.

I know how it's done in New York.

You gonna do it?

Hi, pretty lady.

That's a lovely fragrance
you're wearing, darling.

What's it called?

Estrogen.

Oh, French, huh?

I don't speak English.

Psst!

You're supposed to say,
"Would you like a drink?"

Would you like a drink?

No.

A drink is not what I want.

What is that, a mole?

A beauty mark.

I like that.

What do you want?

I want you...

Now.

Like to make a baby?

The room number's on the key.

The room number's on the key.

You wanna tell him or should I?

I guess I should.

He'll be
very touched. I hope so.

You know, Maggie,

pregnancy changes things in a woman.

I'm not just talking about physically.

What...
What do you mean?

I want you to feel free

I want you to feel free to
come in here anytime you want

and talk to me.

Oh, great. Sure.

I like you. I don't want
you to think of me as

the other side.

Thanks, Larry.

Any news yet?

I've been waiting an hour.

Excuse me. She's been waiting an hour.

Hi, Buddy.

Oh, hi.
Arlene.

Arlene. Right.

It's nice
to see you. You, too.

Do you still do the moose routine?

Mr. Evans...
Hmm?

It worked, didn't it?

Tell me it worked!
Tell me it worked!

What do you mean, it worked?

Look at that rosy cheek,

look at that glow in your face.

It worked, huh?

Tell me it worked.

Maggie's pregnant.

Hot damn! The rabbit died! I knew it!

I knew it!
The rabbit died!

Good work, Larry.

"Erasmus."

I wonder what that means.

It means your son won't have any friends.

That's what that means.

Who asked you?

"Salisbury."

Sounds like a steak.

Don't say that word.

You know that means? It
means, "From the guarded palace."

No, no, no.

Just a little piece.
Come on!

You've had your
high-protein group for the day.

What?
What?

A hard-boiled egg.

One egg?

You call that a group?

It's part of the deal.

I'm wasting away.

I smell gas!

Oh! What's
happening here?

Oh! Oh,
I smell gas!

You don't smell gas.

We have an electric range.

We have an electric oven.

So... I don't
smell gas.

I'm cutting up your steak
for you into little pieces.

I thought you'd like it that way.

That's how I would like it,

But I don't want it.

Dr. Carlucci says

up until the fourth month,

running is good for the fetus.

Fetal osmosis is the theory,

that every experiences
encountered by the mother

is directly or indirectly
transmitted to the fetus.

Great.

You'll have the only baby
ever born with shin splints.

Here.

It's good for you.

Have you had anything
from the bread group today?

Yes!
What?

Bread.

Est-ce que vous etes musicien?

Oui, je suis musicien.

Musicienne? Mus...

Entrez.

What?
Come in.

Hi. I brought...

Oh.

Oh, your plants are
doing great, aren't they?

Oh, thanks.

I give mine vitamins...

And plant food.

Every day.

From Central America.

Sometimes I think it's
better just to water them

and leave them alone.

Yeah.

Four times a day.

This is probably a better room for plants.

Is this gonna be a problem for lighting?

No, angle it a little more.

But is it clear?

Yeah.
Okay.

Coming through.

Now string them up.

Lower. Slowly.

How much longer, Derek?

Oh, about a half
hour, Chief.Yeah.

What'll I do with number three?

Square that off.
You're not square.

You're five, ten degrees off.

Tighter.
Make it tighter.

Who do you like tonight?

Martinez is going to whip
that Cuban's butt.

Probably.

Hold. Hold it.
That's fine.

Wait, let me check the sight line there.

Bill! Bill!

Yeah? How are we in the back?

Drop it a little more.

Drop it.

Hold it.
That's it.

Move that
one over. Okay.

Is this going to be
a problem for lighting?

Sophia.

Hi, Buddy.

What you been doing?

Well, uh...

I got married.

That's good.

No, that's bad,

'cause I got divorced.

Oh, that's bad.

Maybe that's good.

I got happy.

Mmm.

And as many of you ladies
will soon find out,

your abdominal cavity will expand

to make room for the swelling uterus.

Does anybody have a little boy doll?

I think I should have a little boy.

Maggie, it's only a doll.

It's not forever.

Oh.
As I was saying,

this expanding skin may
mean for many of you

the dreaded stretch marks.

Oh!
Oh!

No!
Yuck.

Now, these may not be inevitable.

A lot of couples have found

that a nightly application of, say,

cocoa butter

can help avoid the stretch marks

and as a shared pastime,

can be very, uh, pleasant.

Hello, Buddy!

It's me.

I just bought these
great maternity dresses!

I think they're really beautiful.

And I think I can take them in

after the big event.

Buddy!

Buddy! Buddy, you've
got to see them.

No. There! No...
A little higher.

I thought I remembered that spot.

- Gotcha!
- You got it?

What's going on?

They're playing our song.

Buddy, do you have a cat?

A whale.

A big one.

Whoo!

Here we go!
Here we go!

Okay, Jerry, hit it out of here!

Hit it out of here, Jerry!

Here you go, Jere!

Who's up next?
You are, big guy.

Ha! They're gonna name
a candy bar after me.

There you go, Jerry, all the way!

She's a remarkable young lady.

Hit it out of here,
Jerry! Hit it out of here!

Come on, Jere!

There's something really special about...

Ball two!

Hit it out of there, Jerry!

You need a pregnant lady in there.

Here we go, Jerry, all the way!

All right, Jere!

Hit it all the way to Queens.

I don't think you're fully aware

of the emotions that enter
into a situation like this.

I understand.
I understand.

We got two guys on,

it's the bottom of the ninth, one out.

There you go, Jerry, all the way!

I'm puttin' her in.

Who?
Maggie.

For who?

For you.
For me?

But it's the bottom of
then ninth. It's my turn.

You're oh-for-four.
I'm due.

Give her a chance.
Everybody wants her to play.

Come on, Mario.
I'm due.

All for four.
It's my turn!

Right. This is it.
You can do it.

Get out there!

It's my turn!

Have a little respect!
It's a mother, here!

You can do it, baby!

Get your arms up.

Up a little more.

My arms are up.

Strike!

Put your body into it.

My body's into it.

Your whole body.

My body's into it!

Not my whole body.

Stop twisting around like that.

Ready? It's zen.

You're throwing too hard!

Have a little patience.

It's nothing.
It's just a ball game.

Hold up on first!

Hold up!

Hold up!
You got a triple!

Hold up! Hold up!

Safe!

Let's go!

Well, how'd I do?

You're getting the hang of it.

Give me that candy bar!

Are you crazy?

I can't stand this anymore.

Can't stand what?

Everything.
The exercises, diets,

the noise you have piped into my room.

What noise?
That's the ocean.

I don't want the ocean in my room.

It's called fetal relaxation.

Dr. Krasner says it's
essential for having a baby.

Have the baby
with Dr. Krasner.

I can't.
He's dead.

You're going against
the spirit of the contract.

You're starving me to death.

I think we're acting ridiculous.

I'm sorry I yelled at you at the game.

I won't ever yell at you again, okay?

Want a nice falafel?

Yeah. Two, please.

Don't get one.

Please.
No.

I'll give you each two falafel.

Everybody will be happy.
This one's for you.

I'll get your license revoked.

I don't have a license.
No license.

Don't eat that.

This stems from the need
to rebel against authority.

Very common.

Are you a falafel therapist?

He's right.

Thank you very much.

I feel smothered.

Is there someone else in your life?

There's no one else in my life.

There's not even me in my life.

You have a lot to learn about women.

That'll be $2.00
for the falafel.

The advice is free.

That's what it's worth.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

You ever played professional sports?

That's awful personal, but no.

Why not?

I wasn't good enough.

I wasn't good enough
to play professional anyway.

Besides, you couldn't become
a sports star in my family.

My father used to say, "You
can do anything you want to do

"as long as you
go to law school."

So that's why you want a son.

To become a lawyer?

No, to become a sports star.

Want to sit down?

Sure.

I don't care what he does,

as long as he's happy.

You hear that?

Know what the guys at the Garden say?

"The sound of a crowd cheering

"is the most beautiful
sound in the world."

Know what I think the
most beautiful sound is?

What?

When I hear a kid laughing,

I want to tape it, play it every
morning. It's really something.

There's a playground next to my apartment.

I go by every day on my way to the Garden.

There's this one little boy.

He can do anything on his bicycle.

He totally defies the laws of physics.

He can get this far off
the ground and not fall over

and ride right along the top of a fence

and not fall over.

He never falls.

You know the day he's going to fall over?

The day he learns about gravity.

The day that some schmuck
tells him about gravity.

That's why I want a son.

So I can be there the day
he learns about gravity.

You always make each day special day

by just your being you.

There's only one person
in this world like you.

You know people will like you...

8:00, tomorrow night.

Don't forget.
What?

8:00, tomorrow night.
You won't forget?

I won't forget.

Forget what?

The prenatal clinic.

It's the father's first night.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'll be there.

What are you watching?

Mister Rogers.
Know why I like him?

No. Why?

Because he likes me just the way I am.

Larry, I'm sorry to be
dragging you down here.

Fathers are supposed to be here tonight.

Where is he?

Don't worry about it.
Be a lot of fun.

Buddy's making me go through this.

Buddy should be here.

He's probably in a meeting.

This is it.

Faster than Sugar Ray, prettier than Ali,

the world middleweight champion...

Buddy Evans!

Do my favorite.

The big one?

Bambi's daddy.

I was saving him for tonight.

Please?

Okay.

Is today Tuesday?

Yeah.

Hmm.

I forgot something.

Tonight we'll start by learning
how to breathe together,

breathing in and out,

matching each other's rhythm.

Let's try it. In...

Out.

Be sure you exhale completely.

To guarantee that, hum as you exhale.

Let's do it. In...

Out.

Let's hear it. In...

Out.

No humming, just the breathing.

In...

Maggie.

Maggie.

Shh!

Excuse me. I'm just
looking for somebody.

Just go on with what you're doing.

Maggie.

Maggie.

Maggie!

Buddy.
Over here.

Ow!

Do you mind?

Sir, do you mind?

Quiet.

I'm with that couple over there.

Please.

Hi.

Sir, we have a very delicate
atmosphere in here.

Just pretend I'm not here.

The class is waiting.

Do I have to sit on the floor?

I've come here five months now.

It's the least you could do.

Sit!

We'll resume the breathing

with the humming on the exhaling.

Everybody.

In.

Out.

In. Louder. In.

Everybody.

Out.

In.

Out.

Very good.

In.

Out.

Everybody.

Now, without the humming,

we'll continue to breathe in rhythm.

Yoo-hoo! Buddy!

Buddy!
Where are you?

Buddy.

I'm hungry.

There you are!

Shh!

You mind taking her home
for me? I'd really appreciate it.

Not at all.
Be a pleasure.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

May I help you?

I'm with him.

Is this your wife?

I'm not married.
Then who's she?

I'm just he mother of his child.

I'm his date.

I'm a friend of the family.

And as we exhale,
let's feel all the tensions

going out through our fingertips.

In.

Out.

In.

I thought so.

Buddy, it's Gloria.

Oh, Jesus.

It's been ages.

This is my husband Bill.

This is Buddy, an old lover of mine.

Now, let's
settle down. In...

I thought you were taking me to dinner.

I'm taking you to dinner, darling.

First, I thought we'd have a...

Drink? I'm dying
for one.

That, too.

What are you doing here?

Gestating.

I thought you had a class.

It was canceled.

My friend's here.

She's very old-fashioned.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't
mention our arrangement.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Thank you.

You expecting company?

Mmm.

Okay, we're going out to dinner.

I thought we were having our drinks.

Hi.

Well, hi.

This is my...
His au pair.

My au pair.

How soon are you having that baby?

Not soon enough.

Maggie, take the evening off.

And leave you all alone?

Yes. Leave us
all alone.

We're going out to dinner.

Who's the proud father?

There's no father.

A virgin birth?

Well, she's Catholic.

Bonsoir, Maggie.

And Alain Delon to you.

My little Texas taco.

My little Dixie-

Come on, Buddy, who's the father?

I was raped.

Raped?

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tommy Kroeger.

Tommy Kroeger.

I see that name in every elevator.

He must have been the inspector

in every elevator in New York.

First I was molested,

Then I was raped.

Even in Madison Square Garden,

you see Tommy Kroeger in the elevator.

You weren't molested or raped.

The father was killed.

Killed?

In the war.

Oh. What war?
What war?

A man's paying me to have his child.

That's barbaric.

I wouldn't go that far. He
could've been a nice fellow.

See you, Maggie.

Monsieur?

Chateaubriand.

For two?

For four.

You're right.
I am a slave.

It just sounds so medieval.

What kind of man would do this?

Why don't we change the subject?

Tell me something.

Was he brutal?

Ooh, soup!
I love soup!

Would you like some soup?

No. He was gentle.

Gentle. Oh.

Sounds like a hell of a guy.

What is the soup du jour?

Soup of the day.

It was so good of you

taking her into your home.

Oh, yes.

He's been just like a
father to me and my child.

I wouldn't say father.

I'd say, just a regular guy.

Where you going?
I'm not hungry.

Where you going?

To the powder room.

Talk about the vegetables.

It's important to know
what vegetables you want.

Don't you ever correct me again.

Do you have children?

I got three.

Two boys, one girl.

They're in Texas with my ex.

You look fantastic.

You've had three children?

Yeah, thank you.

Did you gain much weight
when you were pregnant?

Of course.
I was huge.

I couldn't walk across the floor.

I was monstrous.

I dreamt last night I was
the Port Authority building.

Port Authority building?

But it's fun.

I feel everything.

All sorts of tingles and twitches.

Sometimes I think I even hear

the blood running through my veins.

Especially at night when I'm lying down.

Hmm.

Live it up.

At first, I didn't really care.

But now I really love this child.

And I pray that he's healthy,

that he has 10 toes and 10 fingers.

He will.
He'll be fine.

I know that.

Want to know how I know?

Okay. When
my first baby,

my little boy, was born...

He came out with this real flat head.

It was strange.

The doctor said not to worry.

He was certain his head
wouldn't stay that way.

You know why he was so certain?

No. How'd he know that?

He said he'd never seen a grown-up person

with a head like that.

Buddy's the father, isn't he?

Well, are you in love with him?

I don't know.

Sometimes I think I am...

But then sometimes I think
it's just because of this one.

Buddy's a tough nut to crack,

but underneath all that stuff...

That's a good man.

Do you really think so?

I know it.
I know it.

So, tell me,

how do you like having big tits?

Where have you been?

With Sophia.
She's terrific.

I know.
Where is she?

She had to go.

Go? Where?

Home, I guess.

She said, don't worry, she'll be in touch.

Yeah, that's right.

She'll probably call me later.

That's a strange thing for her to do.

I really like her.

She's one of the nicest
people I've ever met.

Don't eat that.
It's bad for you.

Why'd you tell her those
terrible stories about me?

What stories?

That I was medieval, a slave driver.

Buddy, what will you tell him
about his mother?

Whose?

Your son.

What will you tell him about me?

He probably won't ask.

He'll notice he doesn't have a mother.

I'll tell him we're divorced.

Suppose he wants to meet me?

I'll stall him.

All his life?
All mine.

Sounds cruel.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I know. I'll tell him she died.

Where you going
with my child? Out.

I'm going to French class with our child.

We have a contract.

Possession is 9/10 of the law.

Maggie!

Maggie!

Maggie, I got an apology to make!

Nice shot, big guy.

Thank you.

What's the matter, Buddy?

Nothing.

My dad says you're upset

'cause Maggie left you.

Your dad doesn't know everything.

That's true.

Besides, she didn't leave me.

She left the apartment.

You going to marry her?

Me? Marry her?

What are you, crazy?

You think I should?

Yeah.

Why?

Then maybe you'll sink
one of those suckers.

Kurt, this is buddy.

I know. This is the third time
you called me this weekend.

I know, but I've got an important question.

You know anything about plants?

No. But Betty does.

Ask her what she does

when the leaves turn brown and fall off.

Hold on.

She throws them away.

That's what I do.

Buddy, you want to come for dinner?

No, thanks. I got a lot to do.

Hello?
Sophia, this is Buddy.

Buddy, honey, how are you?

How's our little mother?

Maggie... She left.

With the baby?

Uh...

Let me think.

Yeah.

Yeah, she left with the baby.

Buddy, I'm so sorry.

Has she been in touch with you?

No, but if I hear...

Don't tell her I called.

I'm just anxious to know how she is.

- Hello?
- Larry, I need a physical.

I've given you two this week.

But I'm losing weight.

Eat.
I can't.

All I think about is Maggie.

I went to his office.

I'll find that contract and
rip it into in a million pieces.

See? I told him not
to water them so much.

Just end this little game

and tell him you love him.

Because I don't love him.

Oh, yes, you do.

I do love him.

Or at least I did.

I have this dream

that Buddy and I do love each other.

Is that the dumbest
dream you've ever heard?

Those are the ones that come true,

the dumb ones.

Go right now.

He's out of town today.

I miss you, Celia.

Take care of yourself, baby.

I don't know how to find her.

When I do find her I don't
know what the hell to say.

For God's sakes. Why
don't you just tell her?

Tell her what?

Tell her you love her.

Tell Maggie I love her?

It's not that hard.
Try it, one word at a time.

I... Love...

Maggie.

Give me a break.

Maggie!

Wait a minute!

Don't come any closer to me!

I want to talk to you.

There's nothing to talk about.

I'm keeping this baby.

It's my baby, too.

I realize that. I'm willing to compromise.

Compromise?

You can have visiting rights once a month,

two weeks in the summertime,

New Year's Day...

Your birthday.

Maggie!

Hit the lights!

What do you want from me?

I want you to come home and have the baby.

Why do you want this baby?

Because I love it.

You can't love anything.

I love you.

Five minutes ago, when I smiled,

it was the first time since you left.

Boy, this is terrific.

I feel like God.

So what do you say?
You want to get married?

Are you serious?

Of course, I'm serious.
You want to get married?

Yes, Buddy, I'll marry you.

As soon as this is all over.

We can't wait that long.

When?

Now!

Now?

No son of mine is going to
be born fatherless.

This is Reverend Williams.

How are you?
Fine.

Let's get with it.
Do you have a ring?

I forgot it!
I got one.

We need a maid of honor!

That's me!

We are gathered here...

Skip all that.
Get to the good stuff.

Do you... Buddy, take...
"Buddy."

"Maggie." Oh, yeah!
Do you take Maggie...

Will you help me out?

Pronounce us man and wife.

Of course I will.
That's why I'm here.

- Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!

Hallelujah for everyone!