Original subtitles

"This dusty old chestnut has been Botoxed,

bedazzled, and brought back to life!"

Holy shit! Your mom poisoned me.

I'm telling the cops.

Your mom confessed to killing Ben.

I know.

But it wasn't her.

It was you at the elevator with Ben.

What'd you wish for?

Uh, that was Grey's New Orleans Family Burn Unit.

They say they're willing to wait for you.

Sazz!

Something I need to talk to you about when you get a sec, huh?

-It's a little sensitive? -Yeah, sure.

Since we're celebrating, I'm gonna go upstairs, and I'm gonna get a bottle

of 1966 Argentinian Malbec I've been saving.

Hey, what's taking her so long?

Sazz better not be drinking our Malbecita del Cielo without us.

Motion pictures were created over 100 years ago

and ever since then, we've had countless moving images

emblazoned in our memories.

And ever since then, we've had a chance to ask,

"Is that how I look when I run?"

Teacher said I gotta do it!

I'm gonna be crazy. You gotta help me over here.

You better, girl!

If you have old home movies of yourself,

it can be hard to relate to the person you're watching.

"Is that really me

"or just who I used to be?

And is that how I want to be remembered?"

But at least we have those images on screen.

In that way, Ben Glenroy lives on,

in his films, his TV shows,

and a Super Bowl commercial

where a baby stole his chili bowl.

Only hours ago, we solved his murder

and closed the curtain on not one,

but two criminal Broadway producers.

So, with that, friends in podcast land,

we conclude yet another season of

Only Murders in the Building.

Until next time,

I'm Charles-Ha-- Hm?

- What the hell?! - Jesus.

Power surge. That hasn't happened in a while.

Not since they banned the old incinerator.

Should I redo that last speech? Maybe just the end?

And we're back up.

I need a... you know.

And... action!

...den Savage!

You can just splice that onto the "Charles-Ha--"

Yeah, I'll get out the splicer.

What a night, huh?

Hey, why don't we head up to my place for a-a proper nightcap?

Maybe a, a little quick toast to the miracles we pulled off together.

I do like a sentimental moment, especially if the liquor is good.

-Ha! -I don't, but I like liquor.

And away we go.

Good.

I've been saving that Malbec.

Weird Sazz never came back with it.

Oh yeah, whatever happened to her?

Who knows? Typical Sazz. Here one minute, gone the next.

Hm.

Hey, did you guys see this email from a "Bev Melon" about our podcast?

Bev Melon? Must be tough to have a last name that's a fruit.

- Hm. - Fiona Apple. Darryl Strawberry.

Gilbert Grape.

Something was always eating him.

So, what's next, podcast-wise?

Charles, you mentioned a cold case?

Oh, please. If it was interesting, it wouldn't be cold.

No, what we need is a hot, fresh dead body,

preferably right here or very near to here.

It's true. We've been very lucky with people dying in our building.

Yeah, but it is kind of a flaw in our business model.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God! There she is!

- What? - Who?

Heh.

My Malbecita.

- So, Sazz never even made it up here? - That's odd.

Okay, watch this.

- Mm. - Wow, so cool.

Like stepping into a Sharper Image catalog.

See? And what's cool, the cork...

- I've got it. - Oh, my God.

-What a stupid-- -Oh shit!

I hope these spots don't stain.

Mabel, it's fine. Maybe a little time off is a good thing.

I mean, it's always a good thing when someone doesn't get murdered, right?

- Yeah, always. - Oh, absolutely.

But if someone had to get murdered,

let's all say who we hope it would be.

- That's in poor taste. - Oh, no, no, it's fine.

Count of three. One, two...

- Oliver. - Me?

Charles! Open up!

Charles!

Dead! They've closed us!

Death Rattle Dazzle, it's over!

- It's all over! - Help.

Yes, I crashed at Oliver's.

Yes, I'm still homeless. Yes, this is his least offensive robe.

I've been on the phone all morning.

Donna and Cliff have pulled their financing!

For "bail" and "defense attorneys,"

some stupid shit like that!

- What about our great reviews? - One!

One great review. Maxine. The rest were middling, at best.

-So we don't have to do it again? -Charles, not helping.

Last night, I was King of Broadway.

A-And now, I'm in God's toilet!

I wish I could drop dead right here!

Oh, oh, and get this.

I told my sweet Loretta the show's over,

she's already flying off to LA tonight.

She's got a TV gig lined up.

Didn't you tell her to take that?

I didn't think she would!

Oh, I'm dizzy.

The room is spinning.

This is it.

Th-The end of the road.

Mama?

Mama, I'm cold!

Hey, I'm sorry about all this, but it could be worse.

All morning, I have been hearing this whistling sound.

I might have a brain tumor!

Look, don't try to cheer me up.

Guess who got a new puppy!

Everybody, say hello to Gravey.

Gravy?

I just adopted her.

I went looking for a cat, and I came home with Gravey.

The shelter won't let me adopt any more cats.

Apparently, I'm on a list. I've hired a lawyer.

Anyway, Sevelyn loves her.

They sleep in the same bed right on top of each other.

So, Sevelyn's covered in Gravy?

Yes, and I eat 'em both up.

Don't I eat you up, Gravey?

Yes, I do! Yes, I do! I lap up all my Gravey!

You know, Mabel, Gravey is retired. She used to be a working girl.

- Really? What did she do? - They didn't tell me.

But it got me thinking, we should do a podcast about animals and their jobs.

A-Are you pitching me right now?

The world craves your content. You need to be thinking about this.

Uh, what I need is a place to live and a real job.

Oh! That's what it could be called. "Animal Jobs."

Oh my...

-Ah! -Uh, down! Down! Down, Gravey!

-I-I've never seen her like this. -In the two hours you've had her?

I-I'm gonna take her for a walk.

Mabel, think about that podcast.

I'm pretty sure I won't.

Come on, Gravey...

Come on, girl. You're a good girl.

I got another email from that Bev Melon.

- I did, too. - Do you think it's real?

-Is what real? -It looks kinda real.

Yeah, but, like, the Paramount Studios?

What are you talking about?

They wanna make a movie of our podcast.

They? Paramount? The pictures?

They wanna fly us all out to LA for some meeting next week.

Hoe-dee-doe, I am back, baby!

Fuck the theater!

-I-I don't think I can go. -What?

Well, I'm worried about Sazz.

Last night at the party, she had something "sensitive"

to discuss with me.

And I keep hearing this whistling noise.

Sazz is a whistler. Did I ever tell you that?

Sazz is a whistler? Wow, Charles.

How did you manage to keep that riveting morsel to yourself?

Hey.

It's from Sazz.

"Sorry, I had to jet off last minute

"to cover Bakula on set...

in LA."

Well, isn't that rich?

The best coast is calling all of us, Charles, clearly.

Pack your bags, bitches!

- We're going to Hollywood. - Oh no...

1989, that was the year

Eight for the kick, nine for the snare, parachute pants

Yo, yo, yo, taxi!

Hey! Come on! What's a guy gotta do, huh?

Hot dogs!

Knishes!

Polish sausage!

Anthony! You get your butt back in here, you!

Your grandpa needs your help with the microwave!

Ma, come on! I'm late already!

The Knicks can wait! Your grandpa needs his Anthony!

How can you not love New York?

I don't wanna know nobody who don't love New York City.

Look up.

Look up!

Cut!

You need to look up at the sky and pretend you see Godzilla.

- Boy, they really nailed New York. - Godzilla?

That lizard gets a lot of work.

Okay, let's not get our hopes up about this meeting.

Bev Melon probably got handed this project five minutes ago.

Some higher-up at the studio heard our podcast,

-and now they wanna hear a pitch. -Exactly.

You better let us take the lead on this, Mabel,

'cause we have experience of, you know, royalties and back-ends.

I once had a hot minute around Julie Andrews' backend.

Julie Andrews is a goddess.

I went too far.

And here they are!

Putting bodies to the voices in our AirPods.

I'm Bev Melon, your persistent emailing maven.

-So nice to meet all of you! -Hello.

Hi, I'm Monica Bernstein-D'Angelo, VP of Marketing.

Todd Shettinger, EVP International.

I love you guys.

Hey, Sal Snyder-Bernsdorf,

Prez of Social. Obsessed.

Okay, podcasters.

Let's... talk... movies!

This feels much further along than we thought.

When I see a hot piece of adaptable IP

getting circled by a bunch of horny rival studios,

I go in hard,

and I always finish first. Plus,

we just landed the most brilliant directing team.

Hot off their big Grand Prix win at Cannes

and their heart-wrenching,

deeply, deeply viral Walmart ad campaign,

I present to you the Brothers!

I'm s-- I'm sorry. You're brothers?

We're sisters.

Oh, I-I thought I heard brothers.

- We're the Brothers sisters. - Mm-hmm.

Trina and Tawny Brothers.

And they're identical twins, which is so neat.

And when these gals read

the fabulous script that Marshall Peepope wrote...

I-I was just trying to get you all down in the right way.

You know, just at least how I pictured you.

Oh, you are all so distinctive on the page.

Oliver, who we all want to strangle

and cuddle at the same time.

And Charles, everyone's un-fun uncle

with his grouchy, little turtle face.

And Mabel, with your traumatized, homeless,

jobless, mumbling millennial charm

stuck between these two old dudes.

It's so funny.

I don't need an algorithm to tell me that this is box office gold.

But our algorithm confirms

that it will be as long as it comes out before Christmas.

So, you're really making this film?

Oh yes. We have a soft greenlight,

and we're looking to harden that up today.

The cast that has come together for this film--

You have a cast already?

Oh, yes, ma'am. We have a fabulous cast,

and we'll get to that later tonight at a big party for you all.

But, first, I need you

to officially hop aboard with us. Guys?

We wanna start shooting in three weeks,

and your life rights are the last thing we need, so...

Gonna stop you right there, Bev.

I think we understand the situation. Uh, without us

and our life rights, there's no film.

So, what we need

is a number that is fair--

Oh, we don't need to do numbers.

You can just have your lawyers call business affairs.

Okay, there we go.

There we go, okay, there we go.

It's just a four.

- Four. - Four.

That's right. Four.

Four. Four...

Four what? Four...

thousand. Four...

Four hundred. Four hundred...

Four thousand...

hundred.

Forty-four hundred...

million?

Four million hundred?

Or...

Or five.

-Five-- -Guys, whatever the number,

we're gonna make it work.

Uh, I'm sorry, can you excuse me?

Wh-What's the matter, Mabel?

I think, um, I just need a moment.

-She may want a six. -Uh-huh.

Mabel?

Howdy!

There she is.

Hey, Mabel!

- Hey. - Are you okay?

Oh, uh, just a little overwhelmed.

This lot can do that, you know?

The magic. The genius.

I remember having a meeting right over there with the great Robert Evans.

He was filled with energy and ideas.

And also cocaine,

much of which was in a condom he'd swallowed

to get past airport security.

Uh, no, it's not that.

Just, did you hear how they described me in there?

Like, homeless, jobless, mumbling...

-Speak up, dear, I can't hear you. -I missed that last part.

I'm not saying it's completely inaccurate.

But, if they make a big movie about that Mabel,

what if...

I don't wanna be that person forever?

I know what you mean.

Bev Melon called me an un-fun turtle.

-Well-- -Un-fun. I mean,

I'm fun! Right?

Yeah.

Sure...

I mean, y-you're not fun for everyone,

-but you-- but you are to us. -No, no, no.

Uh-huh! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm... I'm not saying no.

I just, I need to think about this big movie deal.

Is that okay?

Whatever you decide, we'll stand behind you. Right, Oliver?

Uh-huh...

The studio is throwing us a huge party tonight.

I texted Loretta. She's coming.

I need this.

But, no pressure.

Oliver, you're crushing me.

-No pressure. -Okay.

I invited Sazz to the party,

but she's back to not responding, and she usually gets right back to me.

Oh Jesus, Charles,

enough with the boo-hoo-hoo, Mr. Un-fun.

Oh, look!

Hey, look, here comes fun!

This is Sidney. He was my driver during the old Brazzos days.

He's gonna give us a big tour of Hollywood.

Hey, Sidney!

Is Sidney alive?

Hey, if you're worried about Sazz,

why don't we just skip the tour and stop by her place?

Well, actually, Sazz's apartment complex

belongs on a Hollywood tour.

-Come on! -And, frankly,

the less stops for Sidney, the better.

You know, he looks like he's driving his own hearse.

Although, I do have one place I wanna go first.

Well, let's get in this gas guzzler.

Well, I'm goin' to California

To stay in New York, got to be right out your mind

Yes, I'm headin' for California

I'm leavin' 9-to-5 and all that jive behind

Ha! Come on!

Now, when I get to California

I'll see those cable cars

- And movie stars and such -Brazzos! Yeah!

They don't recognize you.

-Don't think they know you. -No, they don't know you.

Livin' in California

Because the sunny sky's a bigger prize

Than gold

The Sunset Swan. This place is legend.

...so nice in California

I lived here during season one of Brazzos,

before Sazz took over my lease.

This is the kind of place that can only exist in Hollywood.

Where celebrities take short-term leases

next door to eccentrics who've lived here for decades.

Everyone from Scarlett Johansson to the Black Dahlia.

If these walls could talk, wow.

Uh, when can I move in?

This is it, Sazz's apartment.

Sazz! Sazz!

You know, maybe she's just away, shooting on location with Bakula.

That's right.

No more worrying.

No more un-fun turtle.

Let's party.

Wow, they're laying it on thick.

Really trying to pressure you to take that deal.

- Dude, they're here! - Where?

Holy shit.

Eugene! Zach!

- Zach! - Eva, over here!

Pew!

Charles, Oliver, and Mabel,

this is, well,

Charles, Oliver, and Mabel!

I'm Eugene Levy?

I'm Eva Longoria.

Yeah.

I'm...

I wanna say Tim.

-I'm Jack Black. -Ah, that's it. Yeah.

I'm not Jack Black.

-Oliver, this is Zach Galifi-- -Oh, yes!

Zach Galifragilistic, of course.

Ha! I see what you're doing.

People do this. You're trying to Between Two Ferns me.

Uh, between the whats?

Okay, look. I might not be a Desperate Housewife

or Mr. Schitt's over here,

but I happen to have starred in the second-highest-grossing comedy

of all freaking time!

Are you the little boy from Home Alone? What did they do to you!?

I'm out. I'm done.

-That is... -What?

Listen, I will greenlight your dream project.

-Erin Brockovich, but it's me. -No.

-Legally Blonde, but it's me. -No.

-Spider-Man, but it's me. -Alright, fine.

-The Erin Brockovich one. -And I'm back.

So, what kind of big names were you hoping for?

Okay, I'll let you all get acquainted with one another.

And, Mabel, I am here to talk to you whenever you're ready.

But first, tell me about all these piercings! Oh, my gosh!

I got a thousand questions

-I would love to ask you. -Sure.

This is so flattering! I mean,

the fact that anybody would look at me

and think of Eva Longoria.

Can I just ask you a question though?

Oh, why they aged you up?

Yeah, is that 'cause I-I'm an old soul?

No. No, no. They did a focus group

on the age gap between you and the guys,

and the word that kept coming up was "creepy."

Plus, we're basically the same age. I mean, look at us.

And he was such an unpredictable spirit.

And you know who found him dead was Candy Bergen.

-Who's a chum, you know. -Can I run something by you?

I kind of have a risky take on your character.

I was thinking about maybe playing him

talented, successful,

completely aware that it's the year 2024.

Oh.

Well, I'm so excited.

This is gonna be an amazing project,

and I still can't believe I'm playing you.

-Yeah. -'Cause Brazzos was huge in Canada.

I actually dubbed your voice for the French version in Quebec.

You know-- You know what? I'm sorry. I'm a little bit distracted.

I haven't heard from a good friend in a few days,

and I'm a little worried.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted right now.

I haven't heard from a good friend of mine in a few days,

just a little worried. Nobody...

does "a little worried" like you.

Oh, no. That's not me.

I'm usually way more fun! I'm more like,

"Hey! I haven't heard from my good friend for a few days,

but you know what? Everything's gonna be totally fine! Woo!"

Well, at our age,

no one's ever really totally fine, are we?

You know what everyone's got now?

Sepsis.

Oh, excuse-- Oh, my God, there's my old friend

Bill.

My brain cannot get around what you are delaying about this for.

Why is this not the greatest opportunity in the world?

Woo-hoo!

Hi!

- Oh, my God. - Hi...

Hi.

- Look at you! - Hi. Oh.

You're a vision! Mwah! Oh, my God, I missed you. Look at you!

What a long cold winter it's been without you.

Oliver, it's been, like, five days.

And, you know, I texted you about five times in the last week.

Oh, yeah. I'm so sorry. I texted you twice,

-but I'm so sorry... -Well, I didn't get--

...because I've been just crazed, you know?

Okay, well, just tell me everything.

-Yeah. -How's work? How's life? How's...

the constant sunshine?

-Well, work is a dream, of course. -Yeah.

Because I love everybody at Gnorfbun so much.

-I'm sorry? What's Gnorfbun? -No--

That's what we call Grey's New Orleans Family Burn Unit for short.

- Oh, yeah. - Except we have to explain it

every time we say it.

But , they've all been so welcoming to me.

But tonight isn't about me!

Oh, my God, a film?

-Congratulations. -Yeah.

Who could've imagined, a week ago,

we would all be Hollywood-bound?

- Yeah. Isn't that wild, Mabel? - Yeah.

You okay? Is everything--

- I'm gonna go to the bar. - Oh.

You know, if you have trouble deciding what you want,

uh, just remember my life depends on it.

Um, I'll have a--

We'll have two tequilas on ice,

hold the lime, and put some of those cute, tiny umbrellas in.

So, studio says you're holding out.

Oh... No, I just needed some time

to think about the whole life rights thing. I'm sorry.

Don't apologize.

The script makes you sound like a sad sack,

and here you are, squeezing the studio.

I'm just trying to learn your character.

Believe me, so am I.

Anyway, I don't even know what I've done

to become a character in a movie.

Look, honey, when I was your age,

a couple years ago,

I found myself at a crossroads.

You know, I was making great money acting,

but I knew I wanted to do more.

I wanted to produce, I wanted to direct,

I wanted to sell skin cream, and ice cream,

and underwear, and sportswear,

beer, computers, tequila,

and gin.

And I did.

I'm not telling you to sell your life rights. But, if you do,

ask them for a shit-ton of money

and then build something with it.

Just not tequila 'cause that's mine.

So sorry about Death Rattle.

Oh, Broadway.

Stupid racket.

Now, Hollywood...

Hollywood has never let me down.

Except for the time when they removed

my star from the Walk of Fame

because they said I had no right to just put it there, you know.

- Yeah. - Bastards, yeah.

Sazz?

Since the podcast is on hiatus,

and the musical is...

well, dead,

would you consider maybe coming... out here?

- Um-- -Uh, I mean...

- No, I mean-- -But, honestly, with my hours,

we'd probably hardly ever see each other, so...

No, no, no, I would. I would. I-I could definitely consider that. I-I--

I ju--

I just feel like I'm...

watching you...

take off and fly away, and I just...

I hope I can keep up with you.

Oh. I'm so in love with you.

Oliver...

Loretta, will you...

Will what? Would I what?

Just give me time to think about...

LA? Coming to LA? I just--

-Oh, sure. -I-It's a huge decision.

-Yeah, of course. Yeah. -But, I-I'm-- I'm not against it.

-You know, I'm just-- just-- I'm just-- -Well, I mean, we have loads of time.

-Yeah, yeah. So, just... -So...

Yeah, we'll figure something out.

And I love you, too.

Do you have a minute?

Ah!

I have been waiting to have a minute with you all day!

Do you-- Do you mind if I observe?

Research. I'm just-- I'm just a fly on the wall.

Look, I know you thought you could wow me

with your presentation and your stars,

and I would just agree to whatever deal you put in front of me,

but that's not how I do things.

Jesus, that's going in the script.

Shit, sorry. Fly, wall.

What's it gonna take, Mabel?

Oh, fuck.

Hey, Sazz!

Oh.

Bakula.

Hey, Charles.

Congratulations.

It was nice to see another white-haired white guy beat the odds.

Well, thanks. I mean, kind of.

- Um, hey, how's Joy? - Great.

She actually just sent me a photo,

and--

But I can't show it to you.

Hey, uh, Scott, I'm glad you're here.

Have you seen Sazz?

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

She was supposed to double me on this pilot

we shot last week, but she never showed.

That's not like her.

No pressure!

Oh, thank God.

I never doubted you for a second.

Let's go find Charles.

I have some news.

Not the fun kind.

Sazz?

Sazz?

Don't hit the--

Hey, what are these?

Sazz's pride and joy.

It's a shrine to all the bones she's broken on the job.

"My First Big Break."

She's had so many joints replaced by metal.

Apparently, the best ones come from Bulgaria.

- She only gets 'em from there. - Bulgaria.

I once spent a week in Bulgaria with Twiggy and Tommy Tune.

I've never felt both so fat and short.

Sazz!

You there?

It's Howard.

The hell? What's all this?

"Looking at Charles."

Where is she?

Yeah?

Hey, Charles, it's Lester.

I got your note here about changing out your glass.

But, I-I couldn't get it done today. First thing tomorrow.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What note? - A note.

I got it today at the desk,

saying you need your kitchen window replaced.

Maybe a bird hit it

or something left a little hole.

Hear that whistling?

Hold on. How small was that hole?

Like a bullet hole?

Nah, i-it can't be.

Well...

Lester, don't touch that window.

Ah!

-Oh, my God, you guys. -What?

We need to get back to New York.

A great movie moment can live in your head forever.

The opening of Once Upon a Time in the West

is seven minutes of nothing but sounds and images.

But once you see it,

you never forget it.