Original subtitles

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- THE REASON I DECIDED TO DO THE SPECIAL HERE

UH, WAS BECAUSE IT IS FREE TO PERFORM IN YOUR OWN HOME.

- WE ARE AT THE MARIA BAMFORD SPECIAL!

ARE YOU GUYS PSYCHED? ARE WE ALL PSYCHED?

- UH, SURE, I'VE DONE TELEVISION SHOWS.

I'VE BEEN IN A FEW SECONDS OF CERTAIN MOVIES,

BUT THE PEOPLE I'M REALLY CREATING THINGS FOR

ARE JOEL AND MARILYN BAMFORD, MY PARENTS.

I DO KNOW THEIR NAMES, JOEL...

AND MARILYN BAMFORD.

- IT'S MARIA BAMFORD,

PERFORMING LIVE IN HER OWN LIVING ROOM

IN EAGLE ROCK, CALIFORNIA.

IT'S THE SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL!

TONIGHT'S ONLY AUDIENCE MEMBERS,

MARIA'S PARENTS.

- IT'S GONNA BE A SPECIAL, SPECIAL SPECIAL.

MY CURLING IRON'S PRETTY HOT.

THESE CURLS ARE GONNA BE TIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT, AND WE'RE READY.

LET'S HEAR YOU LAUGH. LET'S HEAR YOU LAUGH.

AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE READY TO BEGIN.

WAYNE, LET'S GET SOME MUSIC GOING, GET MARIA OUT HERE.

YOU KNOW HER FROM BIRTH.

YOU'VE KNOWN HER FOR A LONG TIME,

SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING.

LET'S HAVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE,

A BIG EAGLE ROCK WELCOME FOR MARIA BAMFORD.

- JACKIE KASHIAN, WAYNE FEDERMAN.

WHOA! BOOM!

YEAH.

YEAH, EAGLE ROCK!

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING, MOM AND DAD.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'M REALLY PRETTY CONCERNED ABOUT CELEBRITY CHEF PAULA DEEN,

BECAUSE NOW HER RECIPES REALLY READ LIKE A SUICIDE NOTE.

YOU KNOW, WE GONNA BE MAKING

SOME SWEET CREAMS,

LITTLE BALLS OF BUTTER CHURNED IN CRISCO,

FATBACK CRACKLINGS, BLUBBER,

MARGARINE, MAYONNAISE, EACH DAY I WAKE TO A FRESH NIGHTMARE.

THE PAIN IS TOO GREAT.

ROLL THAT IN SOME GRANULATED SUGAR,

POWDERED SUGAR, CANDY,

CANDY COAT, GUMMY SNACKS, MELBA TOAST, CUPCAKES...

SOME NERDS.

DON'T LOOK FOR ME.

I'VE MADE A PLAN, AND I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT.

DRESS THAT IN SOME FUDGE.

HEAVY CREAM, WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM,

ICE CREAM, CAKE BATTER, PEANUT BUTTER,

FRENCH-FRIED STUFF, MARSHMALLOW FLUFF, WAFFLE.

AN EGG.

BON APETIT, AND GOOD-BYE."

SHE'LL BE FINE.

I'M TRYING TO LEARN TO COOK.

EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAYS HOW EASY IT IS TO COOK,

BUT IT IS NOT ANY EASIER THAN NOT COOKING.

OH, JUST GET A REALLY GOOD VIRGIN OLIVE OIL.

UH, GIRL SCOUT COOKIE WRAPPED IN MEAT?

OH, NO, JUST SLICE UP A COUPLE OF VEGETABLES,

SQUEEZY CHEESE ON FINGER, CAN OF WINE.

NO, JUST...

PREHEAT THE OVEN TO-- AAH!

HOT POWER BAR FROM GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

OOH, DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO.

FRESH FROM THE OVEN.

SO, UM...

I WISH THEY'D PROVIDE RECIPES FOR FOOD

THAT YOU CAN GET AT THE GAS STATION.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GAS STATION TUNA FISH SANDWICH?

OH, MY GOSH. SO GOOD, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO TUNA IT.

IT'S JUST A SCRUMPTIOUS FISHY NOUGAT.

OR A GAS STATION MUFFIN--

YOU'D HAVE TO START WITH THE COLOR YELLOW.

THOSE BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN GIANTS,

HOW DO THEY MAKE THEM SEEM SO REAL?

I ALWAYS WANT TO CALL UP

ONE OF THOSE PUBLIC-RADIO COOKING SHOWS,

AND ASK, "HI, MY HUSBAND AND I-- WE LOVE THE SHOW.

"GUESTS ARE COMING IN AT 6:00.

"I'M GONNA PICK UP THE SLURPEES AT 5:45.

"THE CORN-DOG TAQUITO ROLLERS--

IN ORDER TO KEEP THEM WARM, DO I JUST SIT ON THEM?"

"I'LL TAKE MY ANSWER OFF THE AIR."

I HAVE SOME FRIENDS WHO ARE HEALTH ORIENTED,

AND THEY SAY THINGS LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU LOVE CARROT CAKE.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS JUST PUT A CARROT IN A CAKE PAN."

OH, YOU MEAN INSTEAD OF HAVING SOMETHING THAT I REALLY LIKE,

HAVE A LOT OF SOMETHING THAT I REALLY HATE?

IN THAT VEIN, I HAVE, UH...

EXCHANGED MY AFTERNOON M&M SNACK

WITH A LONG WALK THROUGH THE TUNNELS OF THE L.A. RIVER,

AND I LISTEN TO MYSELF MAKING THIS NOISE.

IT'S ALMOST A LITTLE TOO RICH.

A LITTLE TOO SWEET.

I WOULD LIKE TO BE A VEGETARIAN,

BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT I'D BE AN OSKAR SCHINDLER

IN THE FACE OF A SYSTEMATIC GENOCIDE,

BUT APPARENTLY, FIRST, THEY CAME FOR THE CHEESEBURGERS,

AND I SAID NOTHING 'CAUSE I WAS NOT A CHEESEBURGER.

OKAY.

NOT COOL.

NOT COOL.

OKAY.

AH, HA HA!

COOKIES. COOKIES!

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL.

HEY, RIGHT?

ANYBODY?

OOH, AH. COOKIES, HERE YOU GO.

HERE YOU GO. PLEASE.

- WOW. - PLEASE TAKE ONE OR--

- WELL, YEAH--

WELL, OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE TWO.

WE GOT TO MAKE SURE THERE'S ENOUGH

FOR EVERYBODY IN THE CREW.

GOT TO MAKE SURE.

WOULD YOU LIKE A COOKIE?

YES.

♪ ♪

YES.

OH, SOUND FRIEND?

WE'LL HAVE TO KEEP...

- HERE, I'LL TAKE THE TRAY.

- OH, OKAY. OH, GREAT, GREAT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OKAY.

VERY NICE. VERY NICE.

NOW, I SEE THERE'S A LOVING COUPLE

IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

I MYSELF HAVE NOT HAD A LOT OF CONFIDENCE.

I HAVE NOT HAD THE GIFT OF, "YEAH, WE BOTH MET,

AND WE BOTH JUST KIND OF KNEW."

OH, OH, SO YOU GUYS NEVER FIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING?

"OH...

HE DOESN'T LIKE ONIONS."

OH, SO YOU NEVER HAD ANY ISSUES YOU HAD TO WORK THROUGH

WITH, LIKE, A FUCKING WORKBOOK?

"YOU KNOW, IF WERE YOU, I'D JUST WATCH OUT FOR RED FLAGS."

OH, OKAY.

BUT WHAT IF I'M, LIKE, A FLAG FACTORY

THAT ONLY MANUFACTURES GIANT RED FLAGS.

"MAYBE YOU NEED TO LEARN TO BE THE ONE

BEFORE YOU MEET THE ONE."

OH, IS THAT BOB DYLAN?

HE'S SO FUNNY.

"HEY, GOOD LUCK."

YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, MERLIN,

THE MAGICIAN WITH YOUR BOOK OF SPELLS AND POTIONS.

UH...

I HEARD A D.J. SAY ON THE RAH-DIO,

"YEAH, IF A WOMAN'S OVER 40 AND SHE'S NEVER BEEN MARRIED,

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER."

OH, NO!

OH, NO! OH, NO! OH, NO! OH, NO!

OH, NO! OH, NO! OH, NO! OH, NO!

OH, NO! OH, NO!

OH, NO!

"YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB."

OH, WHO'S THAT? "YOUR SELF-ESTEEM."

AWESOME.

YEAH, CERTAINLY,

UM, THERE'S THE POSSIBILITY OF DYING ALONE,

UH, BUT I'M FUN.

PRETTY SOON THEY'RE GONNA WHEEL YOUR WHEELCHAIR INTO A WALL

AND FORGET ABOUT YOU FOR FIVE HOURS.

"MISS BAMFORD, WE'D WONDERED WHERE YOU'D GONE."

OH, I WAS JUST WORKING OUT

THIS PUZZLE IN THE AIR.

I FINISHED THE OLD MILL,

AND NOW I'M FINDING PIECES OF SKY.

"YOU GONNA SPEND TIME

WITH MR. PETERSON LATER THIS AFTERNOON?"

OH, NO, WE'RE JUST KEEPING IT CASUAL.

IF YOU, UM...

EVER GET IN A TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP--

SOMETIMES THAT CAN HAPPEN. YOU MAKE A MISTAKE.

MY LAST BOYFRIEND--HE SAID, "SOMETIMES I GET ARRESTED

'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE ICE IN MY DRINKS."

AND I SAID, "OH, MY GOD, THAT'S GREAT,

"BECAUSE I CRY AT EVERYTHING.

LET'S HELP EACH OTHER."

ALSO, IF YOUR SWEET PEA SAYS SOMETHING LIKE,

"HEY, BABE, I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,

I WOULD NEVER HIT YOU."

OOH, YOU'RE GONNA BE GETTING A BEATDOWN, YEP, RIGHT QUICK.

BRACE FOR IMPACT.

PAPA'S COMING HOME.

AND I KNOW THE SIGNS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN IN AN OFF-AND-ON,

POTENTIALLY VOLATILE RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF.

UM, I KNOW I SEEM REALLY CHARMING WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,

BUT I'LL KEEP IT DOWN, 'CAUSE I HAVE A BIT OF A TEMPER.

WHENEVER IT'S JUST ME, ALL OF A SUDDEN--

I CAN'T PREDICT IT--

FOR NO REASON AT ALL, I'LL START YELLING AT MYSELF.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE GYM, AND HAVE A BABY?

BUT THEN I CAN BE SO SWEET.

I MEAN, LATER, I'LL MAKE IT UP TO MYSELF,

AND I'LL BUY MYSELF A HERMIT CRAB

AND PAINT THE SHELL MY FAVORITE NFL TEAM COLORS--

PURPLE PEOPLE-EATERS.

IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THAT SIDE OF ME.

I'M SO SWEET, SO SWEET.

YEAH, THE GREAT THING ABOUT GETTING OLDER

IS I STOPPED LYING TO GET INTO RELATIONSHIPS.

YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS YOU,

"HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE?"

YES.

IT'S GOO--NOT.

I HAVEN'T-- I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.

I JUST WANT TO CONNECT.

I WANT US TO KEEP BEING TOGETHER.

ON THE, UH--

I WAS ON EHARMONY, AS WELL AS ATTACH.GLOM,

AND...

THOSE ONES WERE, UH...

I CAST A WIDE NET.

I SAID I WAS A LITTLE MORE ACTIVE

AND FLEXIBLE THAN I TRULY AM, YOU KNOW.

HEY, GUYS, I CAN PULL ON A SPARKLY GOWN

AND GO TO THE STEAK HOUSE,

OR I CAN...

STRAP US BOTH TO A BOXCAR AND RIDE THE RAILS.

NO, I WORK HARD. I PLAY HARDER.

I'LL REST WHEN I'M DEAD, AND I'M NEVER GONNA DIE.

GOT YOUR PASSPORT? LET'S GO PARASAIL-CLIMB-BIKING.

MY CURRENT AD READS,

"I CAN WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT FOR FIVE DAYS,

"OR I CAN CROUCH NAKED IN THE SHOWER

AND GET REAL SMALL."

I SLEEP HARD. I DREAM HARDER.

I'M ON A ROLLER COASTER WITH MY DOGS AND BEYONCE.

I WILL WAKE UP WHEN IT'S TIME.

GOT YOUR LIBRARY CARD?

LET'S GO PAY OFF SOME OF MY FINES,

'CAUSE I DO NOT BORROW BOOKS.

I LEASE.

I LIKE THERE TO BE A PUBLIC RECORD

OF ME STEALING SOMETHING.

MOM, DAD, I HATE TO STOP THE SHOW,

BUT I HAVE TO GIVE BURT HIS EYE MEDS.

- IT'S OKAY, HONEY. - AW, IT'S OKAY.

- OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

[upbeat fun music, applause]

BURT, WE GOT TO PUT IN YOUR EYE MEDS IN.

YEAH, YEAH, MY BUD.

WE NEED TO PUT A LITTLE BIT IN HERE.

IT'S SO IMPORTANT

TO PUT IN THE MOISTURIZERS,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE A HARDWORKING PUG,

THINGS CAN GET DRY.

IT'S THE SAME FOR PEOPLE AS WELL.

AND BURT'S BASICALLY A PERSON.

HE DESIGNS MENSWEAR.

HE'S NOT GAY, BUT, YOU KNOW, HE'S OPEN TO--

HE LOVES BEING A MAN.

OKAY, BURT, LET'S GO DO THE SHOW.

YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GUY IN THE WORLD.

♪ ♪

OKAY.

♪ ♪

I STARTED MENTORING KIDS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE.

"YOU'RE WEIRD."

YOU'RE WEIRD.

"MY MOM'S GONNA KILL YOU."

MY MOM GONNA KILL YOU.

"I'M GONNA TELL MY MOM

YOU'VE BEEN SWEARING IN FRONT OF US."

OH, GOD DAMN YOU.

I ALREADY FUCKING TOLD MY MOM, SOME OF THE SHIT YOU SAID TO ME.

"YOU'RE THE ONLY WHITE PERSON

ON OUR BLOCK."

I KNOW!

"WHY DID YOU MOVE HERE?"

"'CAUSE IT'S MEXICAN-- I'M A MEXICAN."

OKAY, THAT'S RACIS-CIS-CISTA.

"NO, I CAN SAY I'M MEXICAN

BECAUSE I'M MEXICAN.

LA MAESTRA BECOMES EL ESTUDIANTE.

- OH.

"MY DAD SAID YOU'RE A COMEDIAN."

YEAH.

"TELL ME A JOKE."

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

"HOW CAN YOU BE A COMEDIAN

IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JOKES?"

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

CALL MY MANAGER. HE'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

UH...

I'M NOT SAVING ALL THE LOVE IN MY HEART ANYMORE

FOR ROMANCE, YOU KNOW?

WHY NOT PUT ALL THAT POOR BOUNDARIES

AND HIGH EXPECTATIONS TOWARDS EVERYONE IN MY LIFE?

I STARTED CALLING MY PARENTS.

"DAD, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"WHAT?" "YOU SAID YOU'D CALL."

"I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY."

"YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OVER."

"OKAY, I'LL GET YOUR MOTHER."

I'VE STARTED TO LISTEN TO THE EMOTIONS

BEHIND THE WORDS OF MY LIQUOR-STORE CLERK.

"JUST THE DIET COKE?"

YEAH. YOU SOUND FRUSTRATED.

"NO, I'M FINE."

OKAY, JUST--

I WOULD NEVER WANT TO UPSET YOU.

YOU'D LET ME KNOW IF YOU FELT-- FELT ANGRY AT ME.

"DID YOU JUST WANT THE DIET COKE?"

WELL, I JUST-- YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME.

WHERE ELSE AM I GONNA GET

FREEZER-BURNT HAAGEN DAZS FOR $9,

SOAP THAT DOESN'T WORK,

DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET AT FOUR IDENTICAL LIQUOR STORES?

I DON'T KNOW IF THESE MEN'S SLIPPERS THAT I BOUGHT HERE

WILL CARRY ME THAT FAR.

"YOU'RE TRYING TO FIX IT.

I JUST NEED A WITNESS TO MY EXPERIENCE."

I'M TRYING TO LEARN, UH...

SOME OF THE LANGUAGES AROUND MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

I'VE LEARNED A LITTLE PRETEND SPANISH.

OH, OH.

TURNS OUT, I'M QUITE PROFICIENT AT PRETEND LANGUAGES.

OF COURSE, I HAVE SOME PRETEND SWAHILI I'M WORKING ON.

TRYING TO LOSE MY ACCENT.

PRETTY MUCH A NATIVE SPEAKER IN PRETEND TIGER.

OH, YOU GUYS DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT?

SORRY.

'CAUSE IT'S IN FUCKING TIGER.

I HAVE A HARD TIME OPENING UP, CONNECTING IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,

SAYING "HI" TO PEOPLE,

AND, UM...

I DO HAVE A GIFT, THOUGH, FOR...

SEEMING AWKWARD,

AND I'M A LITTLE SHY,

SO, UH...

SOMETIMES I, UH, DON'T SAY MUCH.

AND, UH...

THAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT

WHEN I WAS WITH MY FRIEND AND HER FRIENDS.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW ME.

ALL I SAID THE WHOLE NIGHT WAS,

"I'M WEARING MY ROOSTER DRESS,"

WHICH I WAS, UH...

BUT THEY THOUGHT THAT I MIGHT BE DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED.

THEN I READ THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE MENTALLY RETARDED

OFTEN BRING ENTIRE COMMUNITIES TOGETHER

BECAUSE THEY LACK THE SOCIAL AWARENESS

THAT MAKES LONELINESS POSSIBLE.

THEY'RE SO STUPID.

SO I'M TAKING A PAGE FROM THAT BOOK OF MOSTLY PICTURES,

GOING TO MY LOCAL CAFE,

AND REALLY BEING MORE MYSELF.

HI!

HI. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME, HIPSTER. YOU GOT YOUR EAR BUDS IN!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

"UH, MY NAME'S STEVE."

HI, DAVE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON YOUR LAB

"JUST WORKING ON SOMETHING FOR MY BAND."

DAVE'S IN A BAND, EVERYBODY!

DAVE PLAYS MUSIC.

DAVE... DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE,

I'M WRITING A BOOK ABOUT HAWKS.

IT'S CALLED HAWK BOOK,

CAN I GO POUR MYSELF A GRANDE OF FREE HALF

BECAUSE IT IS FREE.

AND PEOPLE BEGIN TO CONNECT.

"OH, YOU KNOW, MARIA-- SHE'S SO SWEET.

"WE, UH-- YOUR NAME'S DAVE?

"I'M IN MUSIC TOO. YEAH, THAT'S COOL.

MARIA, DO YOU WANT THE CRUMBS FROM THE BAKERY CASE?"

YES, I DO, CARMEN!

WEAVING TOGETHER A STRONG SOCIAL NETWORK

IS THE DUMB-DUMB.

OKAY, THERE ARE NOW 37 POT CLINICS ON MY BLOCK.

UH, WENT INSIDE THE HUMMINGBIRD COLLECTIVE,

AND I SAID, "WOULD YOU MIND IF I OPENED A POT CLINIC,

"LIKE, INSIDE OF A POT CLINIC?

"LIKE, A LITTLE TINY, TINY,

"LIKE, INSIDE OF A TINY, SUPER-TINY POT CLINIC,

BUT INSIDE OF, LIKE, THIS POT CLINIC?"

'CAUSE I DON'T NEED A PRESCRIPTION TO HAVE FUN.

OH, THERE'S A NEW BUILDING IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, AND, UM...

HAVE YOU EVER HAD THAT HAPPEN, WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS?

AND IT SAYS "VINEYARD OUTREACH" OR "OASIS"

OR MY NEIGHBORHOOD, IT WAS CALLED "THE ROCK,"

AND THERE'S A GUY HANDING OUT SOME FLYERS.

"YOU COMING ON DOWN TO THE ROCK THIS WEEKEND?

WE GOT LIVE MUSIC, FOOD, DRINKS, STUFF FOR THE KIDS."

UH... THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHURCH.

"NO, IT'S A TEEN CENTER

"WITH COMMUNITY-BASED HEALTH INITIATIVES

AND A PREGNANCY COUNSELING-- YEAH, IT'S CHURCH."

I WOULDN'T GET MAD,

BUT THEY HAVE GENUINELY TRIED TO TRICK ME.

"WANT TO COME TO A SHOW?"

YEAH, WHERE'S IT AT?

"COOL NEW COFFEE SHOP."

OH, YEAH, WHAT'S IT CALLED?

"CROSSROADS."

NO!

STOP LURKING BEHIND YOUR JIMI HENDRIX FONT.

IF YOU WANT TO GET THE NUMBERS IN, DO THE SWITCHEROO.

JUST CALL IT SOMETHING EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO.

"YOU COMING ON DOWN TO SEX HOLE?"

YES!

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO ADVERTISE SEX HOLE.

EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO SEX HO-O-O-LE.

WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE?

"WELL, YOU GOT TO COME ON IN TO FIND OUT."

OH!

THAT--

MM.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHURCH.

I WILL NOT BE ATTENDING.

HEY, ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?

DO YOU HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, GO TO THE--THE POD,

THE POWDER ROOM?

MY DAD, UM...

HAD PROSTATE SURGERY, AND, UM...

SO NOW, UM, HE HAS A BAG.

♪ ♪

YEAH.

YEAH.

UH, I HOPE NOBODY HERE IS DEEPLY RELIGIOUS.

IF YOU ARE, PLEASE JUST REST IN THE GLORY THAT I AM WRONG.

UH, I AM TRYING TO BE MORE SPIRITUAL--

I MEAN MORE SELF-RIGHTEOUS.

I GET THOSE CONFUSED.

I-I WISH THAT SCIENCE--

IF THERE IS A SCIENCE--

WOULD COME UP WITH A BRAIN RIDE,

WHERE YOU COULD TAKE A RIDE IN SOMEONE'S BRAIN

AND SEE ALL THEIR THOUGHTS AND THEIR MEMORIES

AND THEIR FEELINGS

AND WHY THEY DO THE THINGS THEY DO

AND WHY THEY FEEL THE WAY THEY DO.

AND I KNOW THERE'S A LOW-TECH VERSION JUST CALLED "LISTENING,"

BUT I WANT A RIDE!

I WANT A RIDE.

UM...

I WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING.

I'VE HEARD IT IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD.

THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINE IT FEELS LIKE TO BELIEVE IN GOD.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN A THIRD-WORLD SHANTYTOWN

AT MIDNIGHT

AND YOU'RE TERRIFIED,

BUT THEN OFF IN THE DISTANCE,

YOU SEE THE GLOWING LOGO OF AN INTERNATIONAL CONGLOMERATE,

AND YOU JUST FEEL LIKE...

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY!

OH, SOMEONE'S LOOKING OUT FOR ME.

MAYBE IT'S TIME I SEEK THE EXXON WITHIN.

MY MOM, UH, SAYS, UH,

"HONEY, WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIME,

THAT IS WHAT YOU WORSHIP."

OH.

IF THAT'S THE CASE,

I'D LIKE EVERYONE TO POP OPEN THEIR DIET COKE CANS,

SURROUND THEMSELVES WITH OBESE HOUSE PETS,

TURN TO PAGE 37 IN THEIR PEOPLE MAGAZINES.

THIS HOLY SCRIPTURE--WE READ THE PARABLE OF MISS KIRSTIE ALLEY.

ONCE ON TELEVISION, THEN LOST FROM POP CULTURE.

NOW WELCOME BACK INTO THE ZEITGEIST AGAIN,

AND THE WORST DRESSED SHALL BE THE BEST DRESSED,

AND THE BEST DRESSED SHALL BE THE WORST DRESSED.

I FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT,

THAT I WORSHIP CELEBRITIES,

BUT THEIR MOODS CREATE WEATHER.

OF COURSE, I'M A TINY, FRIGHTENED ANIMAL.

I'M GONNA LOOK TOWARDS THE MOST POWERFUL- AND FERTILE-APPEARING

OF OUR SPECIES FOR INFORMATION ON HOW TO SURVIVE.

NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT THAT JENNIFER ANISTON IS DOING.

SHE'S A STRONG, SEXY MONKEY.

SHE'S GONNA TELL US WHERE ALL THE BANANAS ARE LOCATED.

SHE WAS QUOTED AS SAYING, "I ALWAYS SAY,

'DON'T MAKE PLANS, MAKE OPTIONS.'"

SO YOU DON'T MAKE PLANS.

YOU MAKE, LIKE, A SHITLOAD OF PLANS, AND THEN YOU DON'T--

ANYWAYS, THAT IS A PRETTY BIG PIECE OF PHILOSOPHICAL FRUIT.

I AM GOING TO BE GNAWING ON THAT RIND OF TONGEWITTED POETRY

FOR AT LEAST A COUPLE OF YEARS.

OR MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE LOOKING

TOWARDS PROFESSIONAL ACTORS FOR GUIDANCE.

HEY, UM...

SO, UH, YEAH,

MY MOM BELIEVES THAT YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PRAY FOR PEOPLE,

'CAUSE MAYBE GOD WILL DO SOMETHING FOR THEM.

MY SISTER BELIEVES

THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BLAST SOMEONE WITH ENERGY,

UNLESS THEY KNOW THEY'RE BEING BLASTED,

BECAUSE WHAT IF THEY WANT TO DIE SLOWLY OF LOU GEHRIG'S DISEASE?

AND YOU'RE GONNA SCREW THAT ALL UP.

I BELIEVE

THAT IT'S ALL A COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL DISTORTION

THAT HELPS COMPARTMENTALIZE CHAOS.

ANYWAY, IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT CHRISTMAS.

UM...

YEAH, UH, A LOT OF MY FRIENDS DO HAVE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS,

AND I WILL QUESTION THEM.

HEY, WHY'D THAT HORRIBLE THING HAPPEN?

"OH, IT WAS GOD'S WILL."

WHY'D THAT AWESOME THING HAPPEN?

"IT'S GOD'S WILL."

YOU CAN'T JUST ANSWER THE SAME ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION.

IT JUST SHOWS YOU DIDN'T STUDY.

"OR MAYBE THAT'S GOD'S WILL."

THE ONE ANSWER THEY ALWAYS SAY IS,

"WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. IT'S A MYSTERY.

"GOD'S JUST SO MUCH SMARTER THAN US.

YES, WE CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. IT'S A MYSTERY."

WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE,

'CAUSE ALL OF GOD'S MYSTERIES START WITH A HORRENDOUS MURDER

WITH NO DISCERNIBLE MOTIVE.

IT WAS MUHAMMAD

IN MANHATTAN WITH A HAMMER.

I LONG FOR THE CONTENTMENT AND PEACE OF MIND

THAT RELIGIOUS AND SPIRITUAL PEOPLE HAVE,

BUT WITHOUT ALL THE HOCUS POCUS, SO I'VE CREATED A NEW GOD.

UH, HE'S ABOUT THE SIZE OF THIS ROOM.

HE'S SORT OF UNDULATING REPTILIAN FLESH,

AND HE JUST HAS A MOUTH.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S SAYING,

BUT IT'S REALLY WORKING.

MY SISTER, SARAH, WHO YOU KNOW,

IS A LIFE COACH,

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO MY BEST TO CHALLENGE HER

WITH MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

"HMM. MARIA, YOU GOT ONE FOR ME?"

SURE, I'M WORRIED I'M TOO OLD TO BE IN SHOW BUSINESS.

"BETTY WHITE, DAME JUDI DENCH, JOAN RIVERS.

YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH. HIT ME."

FEAR I'LL NEVER BE IN A LOVING, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.

"OOF. I DON'T KNOW. PASS. PASS.

I'LL GO BACK. I'LL GO BACK."

OKAY, FEAR OF THIS SCENARIO.

YOU LOSE EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOUR MIND,

EXCEPT THE PART OF YOUR MIND THAT KNOWS

THAT YOU LOST EVERYTHING.

SOMEHOW YOU END UP IN THE PHILIPPINES

WALKING THE STREETS OF MANILA

IN A BUNCH OF ITCHY, FILTHY SWEATER REMNANTS,

PLUCKING A ONE-STRING BANJO.

[imitates plucking banjo string]

"MM.

"NO BAGGAGE. HITTING BOTTOM IS A JUMPING OFF POINT.

WHAT A GIFT."

"HEY, MARIA, WHY DON'T YOU TELL A JOKE ABOUT BEING HAPPY, HUH?

"WHY DON'T YOU CHALLENGE YOURSELF, OKAY?

"YOU HAVE A HOUSE. YOU HAVE FRIENDS.

"YOU LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL A JOKE ABOUT BEING HAPPY?"

UM...

SO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FILLED WITH A DEEP CONTENTMENT

AND WAVES OF JOY KEEP CRASHING INTO YOU

AND YOU DON'T THINK IT CAN GET ANY BETTER,

BUT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM IS SO HIGH

THAT YOU'RE JUST FUCKING BUOYED?

I DO. I TOTALLY DO.

I USED TO BE LIKE YOU.

I USED TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG,

BUT THEN I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES, AND I LOST TEN POUNDS,

'CAUSE THEY TAKE AWAY THE FOOD BEFORE YOU'RE DONE.

"YOU'RE DONE."

I HAD THE STOMACH FLU FOR A MONTH,

AND A DOZEN PEOPLE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID,

"YOU LOOK AMAZING."

I KNOW. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT

ABOUT HOW THIN WE'LL BE WHEN WE'RE DEAD?

I WAS AT MY GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, AND I WAS LIKE,

"THANK GOODNESS IT'S OPEN CASKET,

"'CAUSE YOU GOT THIS, GIRL.

YOU FINALLY GOT THIS."

UH...

I, UH...

MY MANAGER SUGGESTED IT MIGHT BE TIME FOR ME TO GET SOME BOTOX.

I SAID...

"I'M KIND OF STILL EXPLORING MY FACE.

"IS--IS

IS THIS NO LONGER RELEVANT?"

UH...

UM, YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.

I USED TO BE LIKE YOU, LIVING IN A HIPPIE COOPERATIVE,

GOING TO SLEEP TO THE CLICK-CLACKETY-CLACK

OF A LOOM OPERATED BY A MAN NAMED OCEAN...

MAKING AN ILL-FITTING WOOL HAT

LATER TO BE SOLD FOR FAIR-TRADE PRICES.

I HAVE PROTESTED EVERY WAR.

GULF WAR--I PUT WHAT I THOUGHT WERE PEACE SIGNS ON MY FACE.

TURNED OUT TO BE A MERCEDES-BENZ LOGO.

A FORESHADOWING.

I'VE BUSKED FOR CHANGE ON THE STREET

WHILE PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT POORLY.

"OH, DO YOU PLAY ANY TCHAIKOVSKY?"

YOU GOT A DOLLAR?

"SURE"

"THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE TCHAIKOVSKY."

WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S TRYING TO BUY

THEIR CLASSICAL MUSIC ON THE STREET!

YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES. UM...

YOU, UH--YOU NEED HEALTH BENEFITS, YOU KNOW,

SO YOU START WORKING FOR THE MAN.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST TYPING OUT WHAT HE HAD TO SAY, YOU KNOW.

I FELT LIKE I WAS TAKING BACK THE NIGHT

FROM INSIDE THE MACHINE,

'CAUSE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE TO THIS STARFISH.

AND...

THEN, UH...

YOU KNOW, YOU GET A PROMOTION.

AND MY EGO SAYS, "I WANT TO BE ON TV,"

AND IT TURNS OUT THE MAN OWNS THAT,

AND HE JUST WANTS TO MAKE YOU DO A COUPLE CHANGES TO YOUR JOKES,

SO AS NOT TO UPSET HIS BUDDIES/CORPORATE ENTITIES.

AND I MADE THOSE CHANGES, AND THEN THE MAN SAID,

"I'LL GIVE YOU A BIG BAG OF MONEY

IF YOU JUST SAY EXACTLY WHAT I WANT YOU TO SAY."

AND I TOOK THAT BIG BAG OF MONEY,

AND I SAID EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED ME TO SAY.

NOW I'M REDECORATING MY HOUSE IN SHADES OF GRAY...

NOT THE POPULAR BOOK,

THE ACTUAL ETHICAL CONUNDRUM.

OH, OH, PIZZA!

PIZZA!

- YES. LET'S GET THE PIZZA.

- I LOVE PIZZA.

♪ ♪

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

PIZZA!

CAN I GIVE YOU A SLICE?

IF YOU CONTINUE BEING GOOD,

YOU CAN HAVE A SECOND PIECE.

- OH, YEAH.

♪ ♪

- OKAY.

OKAY.

PERFECT.

THIS IS GOOD, BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO GET DARK.

UM...

I HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOURS FEELS LIKE.

HERE'S WHAT MINE FEELS LIKE.

YOU'RE AT A PARTY,

AND IT'S JUST A REGULAR FUN PARTY,

AND THEN SOMEONE SHOWS UP

IN A REALLY PRETTY FRIGHTENINGLY REALISTIC GORILLA COSTUME,

EXCEPT YOU CAN SEE THEIR EYEBALLS INSIDE,

AND YOU KNOW IT'S JUST FUCKING STEVE BENAQUIST,

AND EVERYONE SAYS, "OH, YEAH, STEVE BENAQUIST."

BUT HE WON'T SAY HE'S STEVE BENAQUIST,

AND THEN HE STARTS CHASING YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I FEEL LIKE ALL THE TIME.

MY MOM HAS ANXIETY.

SHE COULD NOT FIND ME IN THE HOUSE.

AN OBJECT AT REST STAYS AT REST.

I'M IN A CORNER CURLED WITH MY BRISTLES TO THE OUTSIDE.

I'M ASLEEP SOMEWHERE.

SHE CALLED MY SISTER IN A PANIC AND SAID,

"MARIA HAS DISAPPEARED,

"AND I'M WORRIED SHE'S KILLED HERSELF,

AND I HAVE A HAIR APPOINTMENT IN TOWN."

MUCH LIKE OUR NATION'S AIRPORTS,

MY MOM IS ALWAYS AT LEVEL ORANGE

AND CANNOT DISCERN BETWEEN A 12-OUNCE BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO

AND AN EXPLOSIVE DEVICE.

"WELL, SARAH,

"I WOULD DREDGE THE SHALLOWS FOR YOUR SISTER'S BODY,

"BUT WE'RE OUT OF GINGER SNAPS,

"AND YOUR FATHER LOVES GINGER SNAPS,

"BUT HE WOULD NEVER TELL YOU GIRLS.

OH, HE WOULD NEVER TELL YOU GIRLS."

UH, IS ANYONE THINKING OF SUICIDE?

OH, DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT.

PEOPLE WILL BE SO MAD AT YOU IF YOU DO THAT.

THEY WILL BE SO MAD AT YOU.

IT'S NOT THE SEASON FOR IT.

EARLY SPRING. EARLY SPRING.

MOST PEOPLE DON'T THINK OF SUICIDE

DURING THEIR LIFETIME, JUST IN TERMS OF,

"OH, THE STEWARDESS WON'T GIVE ME THE WHOLE CAN.

"OH, TURBULENCE. I WANT TO LIVE."

I GET VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS TOPIC,

'CAUSE OVER 7,000 U.S. VETERANS DIE OF SUICIDE EVERY YEAR,

WHICH IS FUNNY, 'CAUSE YOU'D THINK THEY DIE OVER THERE,

BUT THEY COME HOME, RIGHT?

EVERYONE'S ALWAYS, LIKE, WORRIED WE GOT TO PROTECT THEM

WHEN THEY'RE OVER THERE, BUT THEN, LIKE, NOBODY...

THAT MUST BE FUNNY,

'CAUSE NO ONE WAS TAKING IT THAT SERIOUSLY.

THE REASON PEOPLE DON'T GO FOR HELP

IS BECAUSE THERE'S STILL STIGMA,

'CAUSE PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESSES

THE WAY THEY DO OTHER ILLNESSES.

WELL, APPARENTLY STEVE HAS CANCER.

IT'S LIKE, FUCK OFF.

WE ALL HAVE CANCER, RIGHT?

I HAVE CANCER PRETTY BAD RIGHT NOW,

BUT I GO TO CHEMOTHERAPY.

I GET IT TAKEN CARE OF.

I GET BACK TO WORK.

YEAH, I WAS DATING THIS CHICK ALL THIS TIME.

APPARENTLY SHE LET ME KNOW SHE'S BEEN WEARING CONTACT LENSES.

I SAID, "WHOA.

"YOU KNOW, DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO,

"BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN ALL THAT WESTERN-MEDICINE SHIT.

"YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO SEE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE,

"IT'S ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE.

YOU GOT TO WANT IT."

YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO STOP VOMITING

FOR ME AND THE KIDS.

UM, ANYWAYS, I MYSELF

WENT THROUGH A TERRIBLE TIME,

AND I STARTED HAVING SOME PLANS,

SOME REPETITIVELY SHIT IDEAS,

'CAUSE THINGS WERE UNBEARABLE.

"OH, I SHOULD KILL MYSELF.

OH, I SHOULD KILL MYSELF. OH, I SHOULD--"

THEN I REALIZED, "WAIT A MINUTE.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF REPETITIVELY SHIT IDEAS."

I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT IT'D BE A GREAT IDEA

TO BUY DAY-OLD RAISIN BREAD IN BULK

AND THEN FREEZE IT.

I'M NOT GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT!

I'VE ALSO THOUGHT MANY TIMES

IT'D BE A GREAT IDEA TO GO ON VACATION WITH MY FAMILY.

THEY ARE MY MORTAL ENEMIES.

I WILL FIGHT THEM TO THE VERY LAST.

"HONEY, WE'RE GOING TO MICHIGAN. IT'S GONNA BE FUN."

GET THEE BEHIND ME.

"SWEETIE, IT'S WITH YOUR COUSINS.

WE'RE GOING CAMPING."

I WILL NOT BE DASHED UPON THE ROCKS

BY YOUR SIREN SONG!

UH, YOU KNOW, BUT YOU'RE FEELING BAD,

SO YOU START THINKING,

"OH, WHAT A WASTE OF SPACE, AND I'M A BURDEN."

YOU FORGET THAT ALSO DESCRIBES THE GRAND CANYON.

WATCH HOW FRIENDS AND FAMILY TAKE PICTURES OF YOU

FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.

REVEL IN YOUR MAJESTIC PROFILE.

OH, BUT I OWE PEOPLE A LOT OF MONEY,

AND EVERYBODY HATES ME.

HELLO, EUROPE.

OH, BUT I KILLED SOMEONE.

SO, ONION RINGS, FIRECRACKERS.

WHO GIVES A SHIT?

OH, BUT I'VE DONE

SOME OTHER HORRIBLE, UNFORGIVABLE, UNSPEAKABLE THING.

THERE'S 79 BILLION OF US NOW.

UH, GOOGLE IT.

SOMEONE HAS DONE EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE DONE OR WORSE

AND IS CURRENTLY ON A BOOK TOUR.

YOU'RE NEVER ALONE!

AND AS EVIDENCE OF THAT,

I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND BY ACCIDENT--

BLOSSOM THE AWESOME PUG.

SHE WOULD'VE FORGIVEN ME.

"LISTEN, I HAD A GREAT LIFE.

"I DIED AS I LIVED--

"NUDE, YOU KNOW, SUNBATHING WITH A LIGHT HARNESS.

"I GREW UP IN BERLIN IN THE '30s.

"YOU KNOW, WE COULD PISS AND SHIT

"ON EACH OTHER WITH IMPUNITY.

"IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

"NOW YOU GO TO A DOG PARK, YOU LIFT A LEG,

"EVERYBODY'S UP IN ARMS, YOU KNOW.

"BUT, YOU KNOW,

"HAD I SHOT YOU WITH MY LADY BERETTA,

"YOU KNOW, IF THE SAFETY HAD BEEN OFF OR SOMETHING,

"JUST KNOW THAT WITHIN SIX TO EIGHT HOURS,

"AND IT'S BEEN DOCUMENTED ABOUT PUGS,

I WOULD'VE EATEN YOU."

UH...

SO, ANYWAYS, BUT I TYPED IN "I KILLED MY LOVED ONE"

INTO AN INTERNET SEARCH ENGINE,

AND UP CAME A CHAT ROOM

WHERE A WOMAN TALKED TO ME FOR AN HOUR

WHO HAD LEFT HER BABY IN A HOT CAR.

"WE'RE ALL DOING THE BEST WE CAN,

AND SOMETIMES IT IS NOT THAT GOOD."

THIS IS A HOMEOPATHIC REMEDY FOR DEPRESSION .

IF YOU'RE EVER FEELING TERRIBLE

AND YOU DON'T HAVE INSURANCE, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU TAKE A BLUE OR BLACK PEN.

YOU DRAW A RABBIT'S FACE ATOP YOUR OWN FACE.

MAKE SOME RABBIT EARS OUT OF PAPER PLATES, COTTON BALLS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE.

YOU MAKE SOME FUDGE,

WHICH IS VERY EASY TO MAKE, FROM WHAT I HAVE READ.

YOU GO OUT ON YOUR FRONT PORCH.

YOU OPEN UP YOUR WINDOW, AND YOU START YELLING AT PEOPLE.

HEY, JACKASS!

WANT SOME FUDGE?

HEY, HEY, PRETTY LADY!

IS THAT--OH, IT'S A GUY. SORRY, SORRY.

WANT SOME FUDGE?

HI. HOW YOU DOING?

WANT SOME FUDGE?

IT GETS YOU OUT AND ABOUT IN YOUR COMMUNITY,

AND IT SHOWS EVERYONE THAT YOU NEED HELP.

OH, IT'S COOL.

I'LL BE BACK.

WHAT IS THIS?

THERE'S TOO MUCH HAPPENING.

OH.

YOU CAN'T HAVE THE AIR CONDITIONER ON

WHEN YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS ON.

IF YOU STAY ALIVE FOR NO REASON AT ALL,

PLEASE, DO IT FOR SPITE.

THERE IS A TREND OF PEOPLE BLAMING OTHERS WHEN THEY'RE ILL.

OH, I HAVE A BIT OF A-- I THINK I HAVE A BIT OF A COLD.

"OH, THAT'S INTERESTING.

"YOU KNOW, WHENEVER I'M STUFFED UP,

"IT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT LETTING GO OF STUFF.

"YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF THAT I'M NOT DEALING WITH.

"YOU KNOW, OR I'M SICK.

IF I'M SICK, IT'S LIKE I'M SICK OF SOMETHING IN MY LIFE."

OH, RIGHT, THAT MAKES SENSE,

'CAUSE AS SOON AS WE STARTED TALKING,

I STARTED TO GET THIS DULL ACHE IN MY TAILBONE.

IT'S YOU. YOU'RE A PAIN IN MY ASS.

IF YOU'RE FEELING BAD

AND YOU HAVE A PLAN, DO WHAT I DID.

WRAP A LITTLE BLANKET BURRITO AROUND YOUR MEATS AND CHEESES.

PUT A LITTLE FEED BAG

OF MICROWAVE POPCORN AROUND YOUR NECK,

'CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE A 12-HOUR WAIT AT THE E.R.,

AND HAVE THE COAST GUARD TAKE YOU TO "LOST AT SEA" HOSPITAL,

BECAUSE YOU ARE LOST AT SEA,

AND THERE YOU'LL WALK FOR 72 HOURS

WITH A SCHIZOPHRENIC MAN WITH NO TEETH AND NO PANTS,

KEEPS SAYING STUFF LIKE...

"IT GETS BETTER."

I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU,

BUT YOU'RE VERY SWEET.

AND YOU'LL BE ALIVE.

AND, UH...

BUT I DID HAVE A FRIEND COME VISIT ME

IN THE HOOSEGOW, IN A PSYCH WARD,

WHICH IS A GREAT THING.

THAT IS AMAZING FOR SOMEBODY TO COME VISIT.

VERY GRATEFUL.

BUT THEY GAVE ME A REAL TALKING-TO.

"YOU KNOW, I JUST FEEL LIKE...

"THIS PLACE IS SO NEGATIVE.

IT'S GOT A LOT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY."

I KNOW.

MY BRAIN IS KIND OF GOING OFF LIKE AN UNTETHERED JACKHAMMER,

BUT I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN,

IN TERMS OF THAT GUY SCREAMING INTO THE WALL.

I DON'T KNOW. HE SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE SOMETIMES TOO.

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO? IS GET OUT INTO NATURE.

YOU KNOW, GET OUT IN THE WOODS."

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

LIKE, I CAN GET MYSELF ON A TREE,

YOU KNOW, HANG MYSELF THERE.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE, GET INTO A COLD BODY OF WATER

AND JUST, LIKE, FLOAT AWAY, RIGHT?

BUT THEY TOOK AWAY MY SHOELACES.

"I JUST TALKED TO MY SPIRITUAL ADVISER,

"AND HE SAID THAT PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE--

"SOMETIMES IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO GO,

"THAT THEY JUST NEED TO MOVE TO THE NEXT DIMENSION,

"AND I JUST-- I WANT TO GIVE YOU PERMISSION.

I LET YOU GO."

OKAY, UH, YOU'RE HORRIBLE,

AND PLEASE COME VISIT ME TOMORROW,

AND YOU'RE HORRIBLE, AND PLEASE COME VISIT.

IF YOU COULD ME BRING ME A 20-OUNCE DIET COKE,

BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET US HAVE CANS.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU BRING THAT LITTLE RAY OF SUNSHINE

OVER TO THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL?

"YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO MAKE A WISH IF YOU BELIEVED."

OH, YOU KNOW THERE'S STILL STIGMA AGAINST MENTALS,

BECAUSE PEOPLE USE IT AS A WAY TO MAKE FUN OF SOMEBODY.

THEY GO--LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER MADE SOMETHING SUBLIME?

LIKE, YOU MAKE A-- IT JUST COMES OUT OF YOU.

YOU MAKE A HAT OF YOUR MOTHER'S HAIR,

OR YOU MAKE A PAINTING OF THE SEASIDE ALL IN BLACK,

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING SEE IT, MAN,

AND SOMEBODY MAKES FUN OF YOU.

THEY GO, "OH, CUCKOO, CUCKOO."

THAT'S A VERY VAGUE DIAGNOSIS, BY THE WAY.

HOPEFULLY THAT WILL BE ADDED TO THE D.S.M.,

ALONG WITH "I'M AFRAID YOUR SON IS A PSYCHO MOTHERFUCKER

WITH ELEMENTS OF, 'HEY, STOP THAT.'"

I WAS ON A RADIO ESTACION IN CLEVELAND, O,

AND THE DEEJ SAID IN RESPONSE TO THE PROMOTION OF MY WARES,

"WELL, I DON'T GET IT.

"APPARENTLY SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

I JUST THINK SHE'S SCHIZOPHRENIC."

WELL, CLEARLY, THAT IS NOT MY MENTAL ILLNESS.

SCHIZOPHRENIA IS, OF COURSE, HEARING VOICES,

NOT DOING VOICES.

I AM BIPOLAR II,

WHICH IS THE NEW GLADIATOR SANDAL.

I AM TRYING TO EDUCATE PEOPLE WITH A NEW ANIMATED SERIES.

"I'M SID, THE SCHIZOPHRENIC SQUID.

"SAY HELLO.

"WELL, I MIGHT SAY HI BACK,

"IF I WASN'T DISTRACTED BY THE CACOPHONY

"OF SENSORY HALLUCINATIONS THAT BOMBARD ME AT EVERY TURN.

OH, SHUT UP, CHARLTON HESTON, MY FEET ARE ON FIRE!"

IT'S A HILARIOUS DISEASE.

AND, UH...

I ALWAYS WANT TO GO BACK AND TELL THAT GUY,

"LIKE, IT TAKES TENACITY AND COURAGE TO USE A GLUE GUN,

"YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUT THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD

TO CRITICIZE STUFF."

CLICK. DON'T LIKE. BOO.

YOU KNOW, IF I HAD THE COURAGE...

AND I DON'T,

I'D GO BACK AND TELL THAT GUY,

"HEY, COWARD...

"IF SOMEBODY SINGS OUT THEIR BATMAN POETRY

"TO A LARGELY HOSTILE BARNES & NOBLE CROWD

"OR IF YOU CRANK OUT A RAW, UNEDITED SKULL

"OUT OF A GRANNY SMITH APPLE,

"POP THAT ON A BRATZ DOLL TORSO,

"UPLOAD THAT TO ETSY, PRICE IT HIGH.

"IF YOU THINK OF DOING A NUDE CLOWN OPERA,

"YOU WRITE IT, YOU CAST IT, YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING DO IT,

"THAT DOESN'T SHOW YOUR INSANE.

"IT SHOWS THE SYMPTOMS OF BEING HARDWORKING

"AND A HUGE SIXTH SENSE.

"NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GET BACK TO LA QUINTA,

BECAUSE I HAVE FACES TO MAKE IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR."

LITTLE BIT I'M WORKING ON.

SO I WANTED TO TEACH YOU GUYS HOW TO PLAY A NEW GAME--

SOMETHING ME AND MY FAMILY PLAY.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. YOU ARE MY FAMILY.

UH, I, UH...

AND PROBABLY OTHER PEOPLE PLAY IT,

BUT WE CALL IT "JOY WHACK-A-MOLE."

WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT SOMEBODY BRINGS UP SOMETHING

THAT THEY'RE REALLY HAPPY ABOUT,

AND THEN THE OTHER PERSON TRIES TO SLAM IT DOWN

BEFORE THEY EVER FEEL TOO GOOD

ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THEIR LIVES.

I PLAYED WITH MY DAD RECENTLY.

DAD, CHECK OUT THIS NEW JACKET.

"OOH, THAT'S VERY NICE."

YEAH, GUESS HOW MUCH.

"I DON'T KNOW. 100 BUCKS."

NO, TEN.

"OH!

JEEZ, THAT'S A GOOD DEAL."

YEAH, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

IT'S LIKE, TEN BUCKS-- HOW DO THEY DO IT?

"OH, I WAS READING ABOUT THAT.

"SLAVERY.

"YEAH...

"THEY PUT THE MANUFACTURING OUT OF THESE PEOPLE.

"THERE'S NO LABOR LAWS,

"HUMAN-RIGHTS VIOLATIONS, AND NO ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION,

AND THEN THEY PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU."

IT'S A PRETTY SWEET JACKET, THOUGH, DAD.

MY SISTER AND I PLAY OCCASIONALLY.

SARAH, I THINK I MET SOMEBODY.

"MM. THAT'S GREAT. GOOD FOR YOU. AWESOME."

YEAH, I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

"THAT'S GREAT.

"ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVEN'T PROJECTED A FANTASY

"ON A TRISEXUAL STRANGER

"YOU MET ON PETFINDER.UK?

YOU LIKE 'EM GAY AND OUT OF TOWN."

THAT HAPPENED, LIKE, TWICE. THAT'S NOT EVEN A PATTERN.

MY MOM IS THE KING OF THIS GAME, THOUGH.

MOM, AMY HAD HER BABY.

"OH, THAT IS GREAT NEWS, HONEY.

"I MEAN, IT'S NOT THE GREATEST NEWS

"FOR THE 600,000 KIDS IN FOSTER CARE,

"BUT IF SHE WANTS A FRESH ONE...

"OH, JEEZ. EVERYBODY WANTS ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THEM.

IT'S SO SELFISH."

MOM, I'M DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.

"SWEETIE, I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU.

"A FRIEND OF MINE-- SHE'S SO FUNNY.

"SHE SAID YOU COULD USE IT. SHE--

"COINCIDENTALLY, SHE WAS IN FOSTER CARE.

"SHE HAD BEEN AIRLIFTED OUT OF THE SUDAN IN THE LATE '90s,

"'CAUSE SHE HAD BEEN BE-ARMED, AND BE-LEGGED

"BY THE JANJAWEED-- THE HORSEBACK MILITIA.

"SHE'D LOVE TO DO STAND-UP,

"BUT SHE CAN'T...

"AND IT'S REALLY A HOSPICE SITUATION.

"IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

"BUT THE PRIEST COMES IN, AND HE ASKS HER,

"'WOULD YOU LIKE US TO LIGHT A CANDLE FOR YOU IN THE CHAPEL?'

"SHE SAYS, SASSY AS YOU PLEASE,

"TELETYPING THROUGH HER EYELIDS,

"'WELL, HOW MANY CANDLES YOU GOT?'

"BECAUSE SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO HER

"AND KEEP HAPPENING.

"SWEETIE, HAVE A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.

WHAT YOU DO IS SO IMPORTANT."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANKS, EVERYBODY. THANKS, EAGLE ROCK.

ALL RIGHT! THANKS, GUYS!

THANKS, GUYS!

- GREAT JOB. - I'M HAPPY!

HAPPY! - OKAY.

- THAT WAS A GREAT SHOW.

- THANKS. - YEAH.

AND YOU DID THAT JUST FOR US. - I DID.

- OH, I LOVE DOING IT IN THE HOUSE.

I MEAN, I HAVE TO SAY, OTHER THAN A PARTY,

I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE IN MARIA'S HOUSE,

- I THOUGHT THAT WAS A GREAT SHOW.

- THAT WAS GREAT. - YEAH.

I MISSED THE LARGER AUDIENCE.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE THE THING THAT I MISSED,

AND I WOULD HAVE WANTED TO HIDE AWAY A LITTLE BIT,

NOT BE THE ONLY AUDIENCE.

- THE PAULA DEEN ROUTINE, I THINK, IS JUST HYSTERICAL,

BUT THEN I SORT OF BEGIN TO FEEL CODEPENDENTLY SAD

FOR PAULA DEEN, BECAUSE I THINK, "OH, POOR, PAULA DEEN.

"SHE'S LOST 25 POUNDS NOW, I JUST READ IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE,

"AND I THINK SHE'S CHANGED A LITTLE BIT.

MARIA SHOULD GIVE HER CREDIT."

- I LIKE TO SEE MYSELF IN THE ROUTINES.

- WE LOVE THE SHOW, AND WE LOVE MARIA.

SHE'S THE BEST.

- AND WE LOVE ALL HER, YOU KNOW, ABILITY,

THE THOUGHTFULNESS THAT SHE HAS

AND KINDNESS SHE HAS TO OTHER PEOPLE AND TO HER PARENTS.

SHE'S BEEN GOOD TO HER PARENTS.

- INDEED.

- GOOD JOB. THANK YOU, GUYS.