Original subtitles

(PHONE RINGS)

Hiya.

- Gav! What are you playin' at? - What?

You left this morning without having sex with me.

Yeah, I had to go to work. You were asleep.

Gav!! We have to have sex twice a day!

The one in the morning doesn't have to be anything special.

You can just get on with it. Even if I'm asleep, I won't mind.

In the night then, we'll do it properly with candles and masks and stuff.

- Masks? - Yeah, y'know that kind of thing...

Masks?

Look, you know what I mean.

But it's the only way I'm gonna get pregnant, doin' it that much, OK?

OK.

- And you won't complain? - I guarantee there will be no complaints.

Good.

And you may as well make the most of it, cos once we have a baby it all stops.

- Why? - It just does, Gav. It's what happens.

Anyway, I gotta get ready for my interview.

Oh, yeah, good luck, babes. You'll walk it.

Thanks. And I'll see you at half four at Nessa's then, at the caravan.

It's the one on the end by the hut?

Yeah, next to the Welsh nationalists. You can't miss it.

A lot of cars out there this morning, Gwen.

- Is there? - Yes.

Oh!

Bernie's going out. I think she's off to Morrisons.

Has she got her Bag For Life?

Yes.

And Brenda's out. She's taking Emily Rose.

And the dog?

Yes! She can't go anywhere without the dog, Gwen! She's registered blind.

Right, here we are!

I've tried something different this time, it's got yesterday's beef in it.

Oh, very exotic.

I don't know what it'll be like.

- Oh, hiya, love. - How do I look?

You look like someone who's about to get a job!

Oh, don't say that! I'm ever so nervous.

Why?

Cos I haven't had an interview since I was 1 7.

I didn't even interview for Marks. I just filled in a form.

I mean, what are they gonna ask me? What if...

Hey now, don't panic.

Why don't me and Bryn give you a little practice run?

Gwen, that's a crackin' idea.

Let me just get through this and we'll have a go!

All right, Neil?

All right, Dave. Where's Ness?

We been down the shower block for a wash, she's comin' now.

Ah, give him here a minute!

Let's have a little cwtch with your bampy, is it?

Oh, Dave. Don't just storm off like that...

Don't start, all right?

It's half a mile. I feel exposed dressed like this.

OK, I'm sorry. I didn't think. I had the baby, Neil.

All right, Dad? What's your plans for today?

I reckon I'll be movin' on, Ness.

Get from under your feet, you're not exactly blessed with space.

No, we're not.

And if truth be told, you've overstayed your welcome.

You'll come back for the wedding though, right?

Yeah. Just let me know the date, I'll be there.

It'll be sometime in June.

So, where to you headin' next?

I heard there's a bit of extra work on Midsomer Murders,

thought I'd head up there, show my face, see if I can get a few days on that.

Crackin'.

Tidy.

Send my love to John.

Who's John?

Nettles. Bergerac. Dirty boy.

Good job he can't see me like this, you'd have to put him on a leash.

That's great. And just one more?

Lovely. And one more?

Lovely stuff.

And just one more.

I think you're gonna like this one...

Owain, to be honest I'm not really bothered what I look like on the website.

- I just got to get on, really. - No problem.

Mm. Can we actually get one with you sat ...

Monday. I'm all yours Monday.

But today, I want to finish early cos I've got to get home...

Hey, if there's one thing they say about Owain Hughes,

he never gets in your way.

(MOBILE RINGS)

I'd better get that.

Smithster!!

- Ready, one, two... - Tell 'em wah gwan, blud!

don't...with me

- - Down, down

- - Now, now

- - Ow, ow

- - Now now

- -

Soon as you're blinkin

About this American rhymer.

Cos all my clothes designer?

And you thought he was cute before

Tell me he's broke

- -

- -

- -

- Yes! Brrrr!!! Brrrr!!! - That's the best we've done it!

- Boo! - Boo!

- Boo! Boo! - Boo! Boo!

Boo! Boo! What d'you think?

Very impressive! How long did it take you to learn all that?

- Been workin' on it two or three weeks. - It's good, isn't it?

- So, what you doin'? - Nothing. Just picked Rudi up from work.

You must be so bored.

I am, mate. I am completely bored. I am a border collie.

He's Carole Borderman. He ain't got you in his life any more, has he?

So what time you coming home? Back to your land? Back to your people?

We'll be at my parents' about half nine.

Or d'you want us to come yours? Drop Neil the Baby off?

Oh, no, Mum's got her group thing, her meeting, her single parents thing,

they'll all be cryin' in the front room.

I'll just see you at your mum and dad's. Is Nessa comin', or...?

Yes, she is. Oh, what time we teein' off tomorrow?

I dunno. Pete's organisin' it, P Diddly.

- What, it's all booked? - Yeah, it's done.

It's Romeo done. (HONKING)

Listen, mate, I gotta go, I'm parked in a disabled space. I'll call you back.

- You shouldn't be parking there. - All right, mate!

- You're parked in a disabled space. - I am actually, I'm severely overweight.

- That is a disability. - Look at the size of him.

It's actually difficult for me to walk.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Have a seat.

(STACEY GIGGLES)

Thanks.

- Is something funny? - No, I just...

Let me introduce myself.

My name is Declan.

McPartlan.

And this is my colleague, Sandra.

Sandra...

Toksvig.

Pleased to meet you, I'm Stacey Shipman.

Now I see from your CV that you recently returned to the area.

What made you go in the first place?

Well, what it was, I married a boy from Essex

and we moved up there but he got a job down here so we moved back.

So are you prone to changing your mind?

No, I just wanted...

Cos we want someone who's committed,

we want someone who's prepared to give 1 00%.

I am committed.

What about relationships, are you committed to them?

Yes! I'm married.

Well, a little birdie told me

you were engaged five times before you met your current husband.

They wouldn't say that in an interview, Uncle Bryn!

- Who wouldn't? - Who's Uncle Bryn?

Oh, Mum, tell him!

Look at her! Calling for her mother at the first sign of trouble.

Your generation make me sick.

You flounce in here and expect it all to be handed to you on a plate...

Declan...

Well, I'll tell you what, Little Miss Five Engagements,

I love this company with all of my heart

and I will not stand by and see it treated in the same way you treated Leighton,

and Hywel, the other two, even Achmed.

I've seen it built from nothing.

Do not presume to think you can raze it to the ground...

Mr McPartlan!

No, Sandra, this is something I feel very strongly about...

Mrs Shipman, I'm afraid you're not what we're looking for. Good day.

Good day, Mrs Shipman!

Next!

Hiya. I'm here for a job interview. Stacey Shipman?

- Can you make tea? - Yes.

- Coffee? - Yes!

When can you start?

And he offered me the job there and then.

He didn't ask me any of the questions you asked me.

I didn't ask you any questions, Stace. It was Declan.

I know for a fact, he was only doing it to give you a worst case scenario.

This is them, isn't it?

Yeah.

Hey! Be' dy'chi'n neud?

Lle parcio fi yw e!

Rydw i'n hoffi coffi.

- What did she say? - No idea.

All right, Bryn? Stace, how's it goin'? All right?

- Very good, very well. - Hiya!

If you wanna see Ness, you'll have to wait a minute. She's doin' a reading.

How's it doin'? How's the new business?

It's a bit slow. The problem is Bryn, we don't get any passin' trade down here.

That was a tough one.

What was it, palm?

No. Tarot.

I had to skirt around the facts if truth be told.

- He looked very upset. - I make a lot of it up. You have to.

If even half of what I told him turns out to be true, he's in for a very bad year.

I'll get changed.

(NEIL CRIES)

I'll put him down now.

Can I get anyone a drink? Tea? Coffee? Mojito?

Not for me, David.

I'll have a cider. Stace, you want a cider?

Aye, go on then.

Actually, no I won't. I'm tryin' not to drink.

- Why? - Health reasons.

Don't be a twat, Stace.

Sorry.

I do like it in here, David.

I like what you've done with the place.

And I mean, you've got it all here at your fingertips?

They're a bit hit and miss, them showers, aren't they?

All right, Bryn! Stace!

Hiya!

Hello, Neil. Mr Film Star!

Hey, I saw you the other day.

Lark Rise to Candleford! You were in the background.

Oh, yeah, with the geese!

I mean, it says something about that programme

that I was actually watching you.

That show, in my opinion,

is all about the dresses, the hats, the bonnets and what have you.

I don't care what anyone says, it's not the same without Dawn French.

I know. We watch it all the time.

I don't really understand what they're sayin' to be honest.

What you still doin' here anyway? I thought you'd gone.

Yeah, well, I'll be headin' off now in a minute.

Hey, Ness, if it's nice tomorrow we could have a little barbecue.

- What d'you reckon? - Well, I won't be here, will I?

I'm goin' up Essex with Stace, takin' the baby Neil, to see his father.

It's the first I've heard of it.

- I told you the other night. - No, you never.

Oh, Dave, I told you Tuesday night.

- When? - When you were asleep.

Well, thanks very much for the invite(!)

No, that's the thing. You're not invited.

- I was being sarcastic. - He was being sarcastic.

What it is, we're goin' to a spa, we are,

and all the boys are playin' golf and Pete and Dawn arranged it.

Yes, and the last time you saw Pete, you called him Scrappy Doo

and he punched you in the face.

Great. So I'm all on my own then, am I?

No, you're all right, Dave.

Look, I tell you what, I'll stay down here with you.

We'll have the whole weekend together, go the club house, couple of cans,

I got some porn in the back of the cart, it'll be crackin'.

(HONKS)

Hiya!

Hiya. All right?

Look at you, Little Miss Cafe Marco! Congratulations!

Thanks, babe.

- All right, Gav? - All right.

Gav! Keep it down, will you?

Sorry, is the baby sleepin'?

It's not that, it's them lot. The Welshies.

They get a sniff of an English accent on the site,

they'll come out and lynch you.

Nice.

Right, you'll take care of my little boy now, won't you, Gav?

Course I will. His dad's my best mate.

Right, I'll give you a ring when we get there, OK?

Oh, Dave, I got DVD, VHS or some lovely stuff on Betamax if you fancy.

I know! I've seen one! I've seen it! It's got like a... Like a...

A man with a flute on the front. Riding an elephant.

Try the messy drawer.

I've looked in the messy drawer.

We keep ours by the Yellow Pages.

That's it! That's the pony.

The Yellow Pages. Pete, stand down your troops.

The search is over. A menu has been found.

The delights of Bombay Spice shall grace our table tonight!

I don't know why they keep sending those Yellow Pages.

Our last three are still in the plastic.

We just use the internet now if we wanna find anything.

Yeah, I'll tell you what we've started using, AQA.

What's that?

Any Question Answer.

Yeah, you can ask it anything and it'll give you the answer.

You know, like what's the weather gonna be like tomorrow?

What's the football score...

Yeah! What was it you asked them the other night?

Should I divorce you?

That was it.

No! What did it say?

I'll tell you what it said, I've got it here.

Right, here we go, I asked it, ''Should Pete divorce Dawn?''

And quick as a flash they came back with,

''Yes, Pete should divorce Dawn

''if he is not happy with her and feels the relationship is not going anywhere.

''But they should try working at things first

''and divorce should be a last resort.''

- So that's we're doin'. - That's what we're gonna do.

It's ever so good. We're even thinkin of renewin' our vows.

Oh, that'll be nice!

Right, I got it. What do we fancy?

Lamb pasanda. Can we get lamb pasanda?

Yeah, I already got that.

And how we gonna do it? Havin' our own or shall we all...

Yeah, I think so, let's. And then we can all just...

Yeah. And we should ring Gavin and check with them,

cos I'm not havin' what happened last time.

What's that?

- He ordered all the hot things... - It wasn't that hot!

Michael, people were in tears, their noses were streamin', it was awful.

He's got the chillies, the extra chillies, the jalapenos...

- And Smithy... - He likes them hot!

He could barely see! He was sweatin' like a horse! Everyone was!

And the next day, everyone was pumping and trumping!

It was terrible!

(LAUGHTER)

Here, look. Pass me the phone. I'll ring Gav.

Aw, he's really starting to look like Smithy, isn't he!

- Yeah, I thought that, around the mouth. - Around the chin.

Ness, is it weird when you see Smithy?

Like do you think ''Oh, my God! I've had sex with him?''

Stace, if I thought that every time I saw a man I'd had sex with,

I'd never get anything done.

(MOBILE RINGS)

It's dad. Will you talk to him? I haven't got the bluetooth.

Hello?

Who's that? Is that you, Ness?

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. What's it to you?

Oh, sorry. Look, is Gav there? It's his dad.

Oh, all right, Mick? What's occurrin'?

Hiya! I thought it was you. We're just orderin' this Indian

and we wondered what everyone wanted.

They're orderin' a curry. Who wants what?

Oh, can I have a korma? Is a korma borin'? I know it's boring.

Gav, will you laugh at me if I have a korma?

Course I won't. I think I'm gonna have...

Hang on, is mum gettin' a pasanda?

Is mum gettin' a pasanda?

- Yeah, lamb. - Yes. Lamb.

Right, in that case I'll have a king prawn balti.

OK, I got that. What about you, Ness?

If they got it, I'll have a Jamdhani Haash.

- I'll see if they've got it on the menu. - Jamdhani haash?!

- I've never heard of that, what is it? - Duck, it is, Gav. Cooked in honey.

And limes. Immense.

- Yeah? It's OK. I've got that. - What about naan bread?

- Smithy'll want a keema naan. - I want a bhaji. Can I have a bhaji?

Oh, Mick, what's the situation with poppadums, bhajis, naans?

Yeah, hang on a minute.

What we doin' about bhajis and things, you know, poppadums and naan breads?

We'll just put that in the middle. I don't want bread but I'll have a bhaji.

We'll each help ourselves.

I get the picture. It's sorted.

And tell him not to get all that hot stuff.

Gav said don't get the hot stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, Mick, I'm gonna go, this is borin' me.

We forgot the sag aloo. Text mum and say, 'sag aloo'.

Right, let's see where we're up to. What've got so far?

We have lamb pasanda, beef Madras, chicken jalfrezi, no tomatoes.

- No tomatoes. - Gavin wants a king prawn balti.

Hello, Smithy.

Bonjour, mes amis. Comment allez-vous? Je m'appelle Smithez.

- What's that, French? - Your instincts serve you well, Peter.

Or should I say Pierre?

What you on about? What's with the lingo?

Lucy's penfriend's over from the Dordogne,

can't speak a word of English so I'm throwin' it in whenever I can.

Or in other words, Dawn, quelle est la date de ton anniversaire?

We're gettin' an Indian. What d'you fancy?

Chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna,

prawn bhuna, mushroom rice, bag of chips, keema nan and nine poppadums.

- We'll just stick it on the table and... - Whoah. Right. OK.

What is it about a group of people orderin' an Indian or Chinese

that it's somehow unexpectable to eat your own food that you order yourself.

Like why do we have to...? Why do we all just...?

Well, because it's nice.

No, it's not for me. Because I guarantee someone, probably Stacey,

will have ordered a korma. Am I wrong, Mick? Am I wrong?

No, she has actually...

Exactly. And in my book a korma's pointless, it's futile.

I won't touch it. But I can guarantee

Pete's already eyeing up my bhunas? Am I wrong?

Pete, have you thought about my bhunas?

- Well, yes, I probably have... - But they're my bhunas.

- That's why I've ordered two bhunas. - Three actually.

- Calm down. - No. I've had enough of it.

Last week, had a Chinese with Chinese and his missus, they were dippin' in mine

goin', ''Yours is really nice!'' I'm like, ''Yes, it is! That's why I ordered it!''

Forget it, I want no part of it, I'll order mine, eat it in the car. I'm out.

(PHONE BLEEPS)

Sag aloo. Sag aloo!

I'd like a sag aloo as well, please, Mick.

Gav, listen, I've been thinkin' about it

and I reckon we should try and do it once, maybe twice before the food arrives.

- Eh? - Look, you're havin' a curry

which means you'll drink beer and get drunk and then you'll have problems.

- But two? They've already ordered! - Don't flatter yourself, Gav.

Oh! I thought it was you, Dad thought it might've been the food. Hiya, Ness!

- Ah, hello, Neil! - All right, Pam, how's it goin'?

And there he is, my little Prince of Wales...and the Princess.

Oh, come here, you two, I've missed you.

Phew, Mum, are you drunk?

Not drunk drunk, but I've had some wines.

Hey, there's my little boy. Hiya!

You all right?

- Yeah. You? - Yeah.

- Gavlar! - How are you, all right?

- I'm good. It's nice to see you. - You too, mate.

- Come on in, it's freezing out here. - Yeah, come on, Gav.

There he is.

- Hiya, Mick. - How are you, darlin'?

Hello, son, good to have you back.

Gav, I'm just gonna go and... y'know...do that thing...

- OK, I'll be there now. - Gavin! Darling, come here.

- You look so different. - Yeah, you do.

- You've grown. How are you, son? - I'm really good!

How's the job going, you settled in?

Er, yeah, yeah, really enjoying it. I just need to...

Oh, I've missed you! Haven't I, Pete?

Yeah! We've both been surprised by how much we've missed you!

Come on, let's get you a drink. Come on.

Yeah, you got a bit of catchin' up to do.

- Gav? - I'll just take these bags upstairs.

- No, leave that till later. - Nah, I'll do it now.

Come and have a drink.

- We got Kingfishers for the curry. - Nice!

I'm sorry, babe, it's just...

Right. I'm gonna go the toilet. You give it ten seconds then follow me,

and do a funny knock or something so I know it's you.

I'm not doin' it in the downstairs toilet. Why can't we wait till later?

No, Gav! We've already missed one chance today, I'm not missin' another.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

There's the food.

MICK: That'll be the curry. Whoo-hoo!

Right, Dawn, jalfrezi, no tomatoes.

Lamb pasanda, I haven't got my lamb pasanda.

There you go, there you go.

(LAUGHING)

- More wine? - Here's yours, darlin'.

You all right there, mate? You're all sorted, you got yours(?)

It's the lowest form of wit, Gav.

Oh, this looks lush!

Oh, you got changed, darlin'.

Yeah, comfier for the curry.

Anyone sitting 'ere?

No, I don't think so.

What you got there?

Jamdhani Haash.

Yeah, I'm gonna try a bit of that later.

- Oh, you ordered the same thing, Mick? - No, but I...

Look, this is my dish. I ordered it. End of. I'm eatin' it.

Thank you! At last, somebody talking sense! See, it isn't just me.

Right, how are we for drinks?

I'll have a white wine.

Uno baguette, don biero, please.

No, I'm sticking to pop, I'm looking after Neil tonight,

give Nessa a break.

Cheers, Stace, I appreciates it.

By rights, none of us should be drinking,

not with us having detox facials tomorrow.

- I can't wait. - That's the point!

I haven't washed my face for a week just so's I can feel the benefit.

Oh, I meant to say, has anybody got a spare glove?

- I can't find mine anywhere. - Yeah, I got one.

- Is yours the white Calloway one? - That's the one.

- Yeah, it's in my bag! - Is it?

- Pete, show 'em your new hat! - Yeah, I got a new hat!

I got him his hat off the internet.

It's personalised - got his little name on it

Oh, that's nice!

Yeah, it's ever so good, they do all sorts, t-shirts, hats...

Well, it's just hats and t-shirts really.

I can't wait to get out there tomorrow,

I ain't played a full 1 8 in months!

Do they play golf in Wales?

Yeah! And tennis. Ian Woosnam's Welsh.

No!

Do you want a little knife and fork, darling?

No. When I lived in Mumbai I ate like this mornin', noon and dinner.

You lived in India?

Yeah.

I was personal assistant to Om Puri.

Oh, I like him! And I don't normally go for, you know...

Yeah, he's a great man.

Some say the best in Bollywood. But he had to fire me.

I did the one thing he asked me not to do.

What?

I made it sexual, Pam.

I was only there three months, between us we directed over 200 films.

Now all I've got to remind me of Om is this Jamdhani Haash

and a VHS copy of East Is East.

Da-dah!

(CHEERING)

''Peter Sutcliffe loves golf!''

Chug! Chug!

Come on, Gavin! Come on, Gavin!

Come on, Gavin!

Go on! Go on!

Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh!

Bloody hell, Mum, I'm not even nearly finished!

Well, you shouldn't challenge me then.

Gavin, you are the loser!

Therefore you must pay the penalty.

Down in one, please.

Oh, Smith, rack me up one of them while your at it, will you?

- A pleasure, Miss Jenkins. Anyone else? - Tidy.

PM, Dawn. There we go.

Right, I'm gonna see if Neil will go back down now, OK?

Gav, you gonna come with me?

- Nah, you're all right. - Gav?!

Oh, yeah. Yes! Of course.

- Nah, give him here, I'll do it. - No, it's OK.

- No, I wanna put my son to bed. - Oh, right...

- Come on, you. Let's go to bed. - Gav, you comin' for a fag?

- Yeah go on, then. - Where you goin'?

For a smoke.

Oh, I might fancy a fag.

Pam!

Come on, Dawn, let's have a ciggie.

What you on going about?! You don't smoke!

You haven't smoked since 1 981 .

- I know, but I just fancy it. - Go on, then.

I think I might have a fag, actually.

- Yeah, and me. - I've never seen you smoke, Pete!

There's a lot you don't know about me, Michael.

I think there's a lot I don't want to know, mate.

I could tell you a few things about him.

Oh, my Christ. Dawn, you all right?

I'm fine! I'm fine!

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

- I think we all need to slow down a bit. - Chill out, Granddad.

- Oh, it is disgusting, mind. - Exactly!

I'm quite enjoying it, to be honest.

Mind you, I have had a couple recently.

I had one with Japanese Margaret at work last week.

- Menthols. - Ah!

Pete, what are you doing?

What?

(ALL HOWL WITH LAUGHTER)

Oh, yeah!

Doughnut!

I hardly ever smoke these days, do I, Gav?

No, you don't. It don't suit you, really.

He's right, Stace. Some people were just born to smoke.

You...you look a fool!

(LAUGHS)

Pam! You're smoking! What the hell's going on?

I know, mate. The whole night, it's turned.

Yes, it has.

Can I remind everyone, we are all supposed to be playing golf tomorrow morning!

- Oh, give it a rest! - Boring!

Oh, stuff the lot of you! Come on, let me have a puff of that.

(HE SPLUTTERS)

Ah-hoo-hoo!

Pam, you got any vodka?

Smithy darling, let's do some shots!

Shots!

(ALL CHEER)

(THEY SING Do The Conga by Black Lace)

(LAUGHTER)

(

(THEY WHOOP AND LAUGH)

now I've come of age

now temptation's on his way

Oh, can you keep it down a bit? Not for me, for Neil.

Don't worry, Stace. He's like his dad! When he sleeps, he sleeps.

Yeah, don't worry about it, Stace.

He lives in a caravan. He's used to all sorts.

Gav, can I have a word with you for a minute?

- Yeah, hang on, let me just finish... - No, now!

(SHE CHUCKLES)

Oh! I'm the man! Wey-hey!

God, I love you, I really, really love you.

You don't have to be romantic, all right? We just got to do it quiet cos of Neil.

Yeah, come on, let's do it, let's make a baby.

I'm just checking a minute.

Yeah, he's fine.

Right...

(SIGHS)

(BEEPING)

Oh, my God.

stay

Stay!

Oh, my God!

(PHONE VIBRATES AND BEEPS)

All right?

Morning.

(SHE SIGHS)

l'll wait by the window for you

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