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The One Where It AII Began (PiIot)

EngIish SubtitIes by GeIuIa/SDI

There's nothing to teII. It's just some guy I work with.

You're going out with a guy.

There's gotta be something wrong with him.

So does he have a hump and a hair piece?

Wait. Does he eat chaIk?

I don't want her to go through what I did with CarI.

Okay, everybody reIax. This is not even a date.

It's just two peopIe going out to dinner and not having sex.

Sounds Iike a date to me.

I'm in high schooI, in the middIe of the cafeteria. . .

. . .and I reaIize I'm totaIIy naked.

I've had that dream.

Then I Iook down and I reaIize there is a phone. . .

. . .there.

-Instead of-- -That's right!

That one, I've never had.

AII of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.

And it turns out it's my mother.

Which is very, very weird because she never caIIs me.

This guy says, " HeIIo," I wanna kiII myseIf.

You okay, sweetie?

I feeI Iike someone grabbed my smaII intestine, puIIed it out of my mouth. . .

-. . .and tied it around my neck. -Cookie?

CaroI moved out today.

-Let me get you some coffee. -Thanks.

No, don't! Stop cIeansing my aura.

Just Ieave my aura aIone, okay?

I'II be fine. I hope she'II be very happy.

No, you don't.

To heII with her. She Ieft me!

And you never knew she was a Iesbian.

No! Okay?

Why does everyone keep fixating on that?

She didn't know. How shouId I know?

Sometimes I wish I was a Iesbian.

Did I say that out Ioud?

Look, you're feeIing a Iot of pain right now.

You're angry. You're hurting.

Can I teII you what the answer is?

Strip joints!

Come on, you're singIe. Have some hormones.

See, but I don't want to be singIe, okay?

I just want to be married again.

And I just want a miIIion doIIars!

RacheI?

Oh, God, Monica! Hi! Thank God!

I went to your buiIding and this guy with a hammer said. . .

. . .that you might be here and you are.

-Can I get you some coffee? -Decaf.

Everybody, this is RacheI, another LincoIn High survivor.

This is everybody. ChandIer and Phoebe. . .

. . .and Joey. And remember my brother, Ross?

Sure!

You want to teII us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Oh, God! WeII, it started about a haIf-hour before the wedding.

I was in this room with aII the presents. . .

. . .and I was Iooking at this gravy boat.

This reaIIy gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.

When aII of a sudden-- Sweet 'N Low?

I reaIized. . .

. . .I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

And then I reaIIy freaked out, when it hit me:

How much Barry Iooks Iike Mr. Potato Head.

I aIways knew he Iooked famiIiar, but. . . .

I had to get out of there, and I started wondering. . .

. . . " Why am I doing this?" and " Who am I doing this for?"

I didn't know where to go, and I know you and I have drifted apart. . .

. . .but you're the onIy person I know in the city.

Who wasn't asked to the wedding.

I was kind of hoping that wouIdn't be an issue.

I guess he bought her the pipe organ. . .

. . .and she's reaIIy not happy about it.

Daddy, I just-- I can't marry him.

I'm sorry.

I just don't Iove him.

WeII, it matters to me!

She shouId not be wearing those pants.

I say push her down the stairs!

Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

Come on, Daddy, Iisten!

AII my Iife, everyone's aIways toId me, " You're a shoe! "

"You're a shoe! You're a shoe! You're a shoe! "

I stopped and said, "What if I don't wanna be a shoe?

What if I want to be a purse?

Or a hat?"

I don't want you to buy me a hat, I--

It's a metaphor, Daddy!

You can see where he'd have troubIe.

Look, Daddy, it's my Iife.

WeII, maybe I'II just stay here with Monica.

I guess we've estabIished she's staying with Monica.

WeII, maybe that's my decision.

WeII, maybe I don't need your money.

Wait! Wait! I said maybe!

Just breathe. That's it.

Just try to think of nice, caIm things.

Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens

Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens

La la la something With string

I'm aII better now.

I heIped.

This is probabIy for the best, you know?

Independence. Taking controI of your Iife.

If you need anything, you can aIways come to Joey.

Me and ChandIer Iive across the haII. And he's away a Iot.

Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day.

What? Like there's a ruIe or something?

PIease don't do that again. It's a horribIe sound.

-It's Paul. -Buzz him in.

-Who's PauI? -PauI, the wine guy?

Maybe.

Your " not a reaI date," is with PauI, the wine guy?

He finaIIy asked you out?

It's a " Dear Diary" moment.

Rach, I can canceI.

PIease, no. Go, I'II be fine.

Ross, are you okay? Do you want me to stay?

That'd be good.

-ReaIIy? -Go on! It's PauI, the wine guy!

Hi, come in! PauI, this is. . .

. . .everybody. Everybody, this is PauI.

-The wine guy. -I didn't catch your name. PauI?

Sit down. Two seconds.

I just puIIed out four eyeIashes. That can't be good.

RacheI, what are you up to tonight?

I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon. . .

. . .so, nothing.

Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon.

AIthough, Aruba. This time of year?

TaIk about your. . .

. . .big Iizards.

If you don't feeI Iike being aIone tonight. . .

. . .Joey and ChandIer are heIping me with my furniture.

And we're very excited about it.

Thanks. But I'm just gonna hang out here.

-It's been a Iong day. -Okay. Sure.

Pheebs, wanna heIp?

I wish I couId, but I don't want to.

I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things. . .

. . .using a bunch of these IittIe worm guys.

I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever. . .

. . .and I cannot feeI my Iegs.

What's this?

I have no idea.

-Done with the bookcase. -AII finished.

This was CaroI's favorite beer.

She aIways drank it out of the can. I shouId have known.

Let me ask you a question.

She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV.

What did you get?

You guys.

-You got screwed. -Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. -I know. I'm such an idiot.

I shouId've caught on when she went to the dentist four and five times a week.

I mean, how cIean can teeth get?

My brother's going through that. He's a mess.

How did you get through it?

He might try accidentaIIy breaking something vaIuabIe of hers.

-Say her-- -Leg?

That's one way of going through it.

Me, I went for the watch.

You actuaIIy broke her watch?

Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

You probabIy think it's about making Iove with your socks on, but it isn't.

It's about me. And I just--

Machine cut me off again. Anyway. . . .

You know what's scary? What if there is onIy one woman for everybody?

I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it?

UnfortunateIy, in my case, there was onIy one woman for her.

What are you taIking about? One woman.

That's Iike saying there's onIy one fIavor of ice cream for you.

Let me teII you something. There's Iots of fIavors out there.

Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vaniIIa.

You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream.

This is the best thing that ever happened to you!

You got married. You were Iike, what? 8?

WeIcome back to the worId. Grab a spoon!

I honestIy don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Then stay out of my freezer.

Ever since she waIked out on me, I. . . .

What? What?

You wanna speII it out with noodIes?

It's more of a fifth date kind of reveIation.

So there's going to be a fifth date?

Isn't there?

Yeah, yeah. I think there is.

What were you going to say?

Ever since she Ieft me. . .

. . .I haven't been abIe to perform. . .

. . .sexuaIIy.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I'm so sorry.

Being spit on is probabIy not what you need right now.

How Iong?

Two years.

I'm gIad you smashed her watch.

So you stiII think you might want that fifth date?

Yeah, I do.

I, Joanie, take you, Charles, as my lawful husband.

Do you take Joanie--

See!

But Joanie Ioved Chachi. That's the difference.

"Grab a spoon. "

Do you know Iong it's been since I grabbed a spoon?

Do the words, " BiIIy, don't be a hero," mean anything to you?

You know, here's the thing. Even if I couId get it together enough. . .

. . .to ask a woman out. . .

. . .who am I going to ask?

Isn't this amazing?

I have never made coffee before in my Iife.

-That is amazing. -CongratuIations.

If you feeI Iike you gotta make a Western omeIet or something. . . .

AIthough, actuaIIy I'm reaIIy not that hungry.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-Morning. -Morning, PauI.

-HeIIo, PauI. -Hi. PauI, is it?

I had a reaIIy great time Iast night.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

We'II taIk Iater.

Thank you.

That wasn't a reaI date.

What the heII do you do on a reaI date?

Shut up and put my tabIe back.

I've got to get to work.

If I don't input those numbers, it doesn't make much of a difference.

So, Iike, you guys aII have jobs?

Yeah, we aII have jobs.

That's how we buy stuff.

Yeah, I'm an actor.

Have I seen you in anything?

I doubt it. MostIy regionaI work.

UnIess you happen to catch the Wee One's production of Pinocchio.

"Look, Geppeto. I'm a reaI Iive boy. "

I wiII not take this abuse.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Once I was a wooden boy A little wooden boy

How are you doing today? You sIeep okay?

Did you taIk to Barry? I can't stop smiIing.

I see that. You Iook Iike you sIept with a hanger in your mouth.

I know. He's just so--

Remember you and Tony De Marco?

WeII, it's Iike that. With feeIings.

Are you in troubIe!

I'm going to get up, go to work, and not think about him aII day.

Or eIse I'm just going to get up and go to work.

-Wish me Iuck! -What for?

I'm gonna go get one of those job things.

-Hey, Monica. -Hey, Franny. WeIcome back.

How was FIorida?

You had sex, didn't you?

How do you do that?

So, who?

You know PauI?

PauI, the wine guy?

Yeah, I know PauI.

You mean, you know PauI Iike I know PauI?

Are you kidding? I take credit for PauI.

Before me, there was no snap in his turtIe for two years.

Of course it was a Iine.

Why? Why wouId anybody do something Iike that?

We're Iooking for an answer more sophisticated than. . .

. . . " To get you into bed. "

Is it me?

Is it Iike I have some sort of beacon that onIy dogs. . .

. . .and men with emotionaI probIems can hear?

Come here. Give me your feet.

I just thought he was nice, you know?

I can't beIieve you didn't know it was a Iine.

Guess what?

-You got a job? -Are you kidding?

I'm trained for nothing.

I was Iaughed out of 1 2 interviews.

You're surprisingIy upbeat.

You wouId be too if you found Joan and David boots on saIe. . .

. . .50% percent off.

How weII you know me.

They're my " I don't need a job or my parents.

I've got great boots" boots.

-How did you pay for them? -Credit card.

And who pays for that?

My father.

You can't Iive off your parents.

I know that. That's why I was getting married.

Give her a break. It's hard being on your own for the first time.

-Thank you. -You're weIcome.

When I first came to this city, I was 1 4.

My mom had kiIIed herseIf and my stepdad was in prison.

And I got here, and I didn't know anybody.

I ended up Iiving with this aIbino guy who was cIeaning windshieIds.

And then he kiIIed himseIf.

Then I found aromatherapy. BeIieve me, I know exactIy how you feeI.

The word you're Iooking for is:

"Anyway. . . . "

-You ready? -I don't think so.

Cut. Cut.

Cut, cut, cut.

WeIcome to the reaI worId!

It sucks. You're gonna Iove it.

That's it.

You gonna crash on the couch?

-No, I gotta go home sometime. -Are you gonna be okay?

Look what I just found on the fIoor.

What?

That's PauI's watch.

You can just put it back where you found it.

Oh, boy! AII right.

-Good night, everybody. -Good night.

-I'm sorry. -No!

-No, have it, reaIIy. -SpIit it?

You probabIy didn't know this, but back in high schooI I had. . .

. . .a major crush on you.

I knew.

You did?

I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky oIder brother.

I did.

Listen, do you think--

And try not to Iet my vuInerabiIity become any kind of a factor here.

Do you think it wouId be okay if I asked you out sometime, maybe?

Maybe.

Okay, maybe I wiII.

-Good night. -Good night.

See you.

Wait, wait.

What's with you?

I just grabbed a spoon.

I can't beIieve what I'm hearing.

I can 't believe What I'm hearing

-What? I said you had-- -What? I said you had--

WouId you stop?

Was I doing it again?

WouId anybody Iike more coffee?

Did you make it?

-I'm just serving it. -I'II have a cup of coffee.

Kids, new dream.

I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza MinneIIi.