Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

OK, Towerblock. Don't take it personally but I'm going off comms.

RADIO: 'Boss.'

Hello.

GUNSHOTS

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

Bloody Hell!

ROCK MUSIC

COMPUTER GAME: 'Get down, soldier. We need your help.'

Shoot him in the face!

'Nice shooting, private.'

He'll need that looked at.

Hey, guys. Ooh! So what's this?

Crisps.

Oh, the game? Metal Patrol III.

It's brilliant.

Right.

So what, you just run around and shoot people?

No, more complicated than that.

You have to collect stuff.

Aye, it's running around shooting people.

Looks pretty easy.

Just saying. Uh...cos we're soldiers.

It's what we do.

So you're saying that if someone were shit at this,

that'd mean they were a bad soldier?

No, no. You know, marksmanship, reflexes...

There's got to be some link.

OK, Mr Reflexes. Let's see what you're made of.

I don't want to cut in...

REME guy can wait.

Hey, I've got a name. Sorry. Screwhole can wait.

Thank you. And Rocket's banned. He's too good.

So...

All right!

You ready, skip?

Ooh, born ready. Vigilant. Always.

It's started. Right. Shhh.

COMPUTER GAME: 'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!' Ooh wait, wait, wait.

Are we on the same team or playing against each other?

'Mission failed!' What? No!

Against each other. He's Taliban.

Right. Fuck's sake. Go again!

'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!' Yeeeeeaaaah! Death or glory!

'Mission failed.'

Death. Screwhole's turn.

No, bollocks to him! Go on!

'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!'

Nicholas Medhurst. How are things with you?

Yeah, good. Nearly got shot. Simon saved my life again.

No biggy. Wow! Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing it. Nick?

I know it's going to come back to haunt my nightmares

in a year or two but I'm just going to make light of it until then.

Nick, seriously, you don't sound OK.

No, I do have some residual tension. Some unrelieved residual tension.

I'm not sure I like where this is going.

Where do you think this is going?

I think you're probably going to ask for a hand job or something.

Before I choose, what's the something?

Do you know, I do actually quite like my job.

So I'm not going to throw it away so I can touch your penis.

OK, OK, I'm sorry.

OK? I did nearly die in a big pipe this morning. OK.

How are you feeling?

I could really use a hand job.

You brought it up!

Oof! Oh!

What a lovely way to unwind after some war.

Stupid, stupid game.

Do you fancy a brew?

Boss, if you want me to make a brew for you, you can just ask,

instead of dressing it up like a Rupert.

Cool! Brew please. I'm off to the ammo store.

I am sick of being given the run-around by officers.

I mean, how do Ruperts get you to agree to do everything for 'em?

Intelligence? A winning smile? The basic chain of command?

Courtesy of Towerblock.

I presume he spat in it.

Probably.

Oi. Oi. Oi, Bird, Bird.

I want to talk to you about Mary.

Do you mean you're going to crap on about Mary

while I pretend to listen?

She basically offered me a hand job, and then didn't give me a hand job.

Yeah, I expect that's exactly what happened.

I still haven't had sexual intercourse with her.

What am I going to do?

Mmm. OK. New idea. Try...

Stop fucking going on about it!

What? "Oh, Mary won't sleep with me.

"Do you think she likes me?

"Was she checking me out when I had my top off?"

Boss. Please. Fuck her, or fuck off!

Well, in fairness, I am trying to.

Corporal House.

Sir. How's the new Land Rover? That's the 1.5, isn't it?

Yes. It's a classic.

Shame it's not wired for sound but you can't have everything.

It gets me from A to...just next to A.

So I don't really need, say...an iPod dock.

Well, you could easily fit one. Really? Yeah.

It's the sort of thing that REME'd say is beyond their capability

but you know what they're like. No. No, I won't hear of it, I'm sure you're far too busy.

Honestly, sir. Two-hour job tops.

Well. If you're absolutely determined... Carry on!

# I'm wired for sound... #

KNOCK ON DOOR

Afternoon, Padre. Everything all right?

Hi, Bird. Fine. Yeah, and you?

Can I ask you a question? About the Bible.

Go on.

What does the Bible teach about hand jobs?

What! Ah, OK, you've been talking to Nick.

When do you think he's going to stop trying to have sex with me?

Directly after you've had sex with him.

That's very funny. Right, Nick's permanent hard-on for you is

because of your unavailability.

So it's not because of my looks or my personality? Doubt it.

So, why don't you just cut to the chase, and fuck him.

I'm not going to...er, have sex with him,

just to stop him trying to have sex with me.

What, so you don't fancy Nick at all?

I wouldn't say not at all.

I fancy him a little bit.

Really? God. I am genuinely shocked.

A very little bit and I'm not going there.

OK, to be honest, if you were to come on to Nick in any way,

he would probably run a mile. Seriously.

No. Really?

Mmm-hmm. Do you think? But then what if he doesn't?

Because I don't know if I could do that.

But then if it worked.... Surely it's not that simple. Or is it?

Maybe it is. Do you know the term "internal monologue"?

What? Oh! Yes, sorry!

DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC

Whoop! For the streets, for the kids, for the crew! Towerblock.

What? Fancy a game of Metal Patrol III?

You're never going to beat Mac. And I'm busy anyway.

What are you doing? Just allying up the Colonel's Land Rover.

We've all been there. You what?

Let me guess, he didn't actually ask you outright.

No, but I...I like messing around with cars.

Oh, bloody hell!

I've been given the run-around again? Yes. He knows everyone's weak spot.

He had me making goat's cheese.

Right, well, in that case, this can all come out again.

Yeah, that's what happened to the goat's cheese.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, Nick.

Hot, isn't it?

Quite mild, actually.

Well. I think it's almost, um, too hot.

Ooh, hello.

Mary, are you... Shhhhhh!

You don't talk. I talk.

There's something I want from you, Nick.

Something I've wanted for a long time.

I'm not coming to church.

I don't want you to come to church, Nick.

Well, I do want you to come to church, just not now.

I'm a woman. You're a man.

Looking at a woman.

Who's looking at a man. Mmm.

So you're saying that we're looking at each other.

Yes.

Yeah.

Do you like what you see?

I do.

Then take me, Nick. Take me now.

I'm all yours.

Really?

Yeah. You and me. Sexy times. Right here. Right now.

Come on. Sexy times?

Chop, chop! Chop chop?

Let's have the sex you keep going on about.

Yeah, I'm going to go back to "really"?

Come on, Mary, what is it about this whole scenario

that doesn't quite ring true?

Uh...

Oh, yeah, I know what it is. The whole scenario.

After the way you've described me. To my face.

Sex pest.

Just forget about all that.

Walking erection. Yes, all right.

Spurting jizz monkey.

Nope, you're right. That was Bird.

But you know the first thing they teach you at ATO school?

It's to look for the presence of the abnormal.

And there is nothing more abnormal than YOU

doing this.

So if you don't mind - no, thanks.

You are kidding, right?

I just don't like the atmospherics.

Fine. Well, you had your chance.

I'm not sure I did.

Yes, come on. Die you little fucker!

Shit, shit, shit... Yes!

'Nice shooting, private.'

Rocket launcher... oh!

A rocket launcher at that range? The blast'll kill you.

Sir? Up late, Corporal. Not like you to be playing silly games.

The, er, game...will develop...skills?

Whatever. Let's shoot some grunts.

Sir. Er, the Allies, er, or the Taliban?

Ooh, Taliban!

And, er, away we go.

'Clear the village and head up the valley.'

'The village is full of Taliban. Be on guard!'

'Mission failed!'

So. Turns out you CAN use a rocket launcher from that range.

Ah, well.

Search team nearly done, boss.

Thank you, Sergeant Hogg. Oi, Simon. You all right?

You look fucked. Yeah, I'm all right. OK.

Have you been up all night?

Maybe. Although, I did finally complete the bomb factory level.

The big bomb factory in the city?

There's a city? What?

Ha-ha! He knows nothing.

Yeah, well, we'll see how much I know when I fuck you up.

In the game. Sorry.

Oi, Bird. A word.

You know Mary...

She's being very weird.

Seriously. Last night, she threw herself at me.

She came into my quarters and she demanded "sexy times".

I mean, what does she want, Bird? Presumably she wants...sexy times.

Oh, come on.

I'm the editor of the Sexy Times.

I think if she was interested, she would have subscribed by now.

Well, she did finally admit she fancies you. What?

OK, all yours, boss.

Wait! When was this? Yesterday. And you didn't tell me immediately?

Well, it's not like you need extra encouragement to pester her for a shag, is it?

So last night...that was my chance?

Shit!

Fuck!

Boss? All right!

If I get blown up down there having not shagged Mary, I'm going to be...

..really annoyed.

Right, I've got some serious pastoral...shagging to discuss.

S'later.

Yes, boss. And hope you get "past oral".

So. Metal Patrol? Are you ready?

Or do you need a few more weeks' practice?

Oh, I am as ready...as... an oven-ready chicken.

Plucked, giblets out.

And this isn't giving the effect I was going for. Let's go!

Corporal.

Sir.

So the iPod dock was a no-no, then? Shame.

Yeah, well I'm sorry, sir. I've just had enough of being given...

I mean, I er... I didn't have enough time.

Mmm. Probably for the best.

REME were livid about you pissing on their patch, to be honest.

Well, with respect sir,

I wouldn't let those nut fuckers near my lawn mower.

They reckon a decent stereo system's impossible, anyway.

REME said that?

Honestly, sir, that is just typical of those utter...

But they are keen to install a few safety features.

Roll-bars. That sort of thing.

Reckon they can do them within a fortnight.

A fortnight? You could do that in an afternoon.

Well, REME don't seem to think so.

You must have a gift for this sort of thing.

Such a shame you don't have the time. Oh, well.

Carry on.

Oh, hi, Nick. Hi, Mary. So, how was the...

Wait! Hang on, this isn't what I wanted!

Isn't it? No! A little bird tell me it IS what you want.

Actually, Bird tells me it's what you want.

Yes, because I want it to stop!

Do you fancy me or not?

Of course I fancy you! You're hot, you're tall, you look good in uniform

and you're incredibly brave. Wow! I fancy me now. Oh, you've always fancied you.

Well, I'm sure I can find room in my heart for both of us. No! Stop.

Bird said if I came on to you you'd run a mile! She what?

She's trying to push us together!

Well, good old Bird, eh?

No. Bad. Bad old Bird.

Are you sure? Because I thought that this bit...

..was very nice indeed.

Stop that. Where is she?

I'm going to give her a serious talking to.

Like she'll give a shit. Look, we should actually do something to get back at her.

Ger our revenge properly. Keep talking.

OK. So what would piss Bird off more than anything else?

I've often wondered that.

We should actually sleep together.

No. We need to teach her a lesson.

Yes, by actually sleeping together!

Look, Nick. I promise you that is not on the table.

OK. We won't do it on a table.

What if we act all lovey-dovey in front of her?

She'll hate that.

Hmm. S'pose. Let's do it.

By "it", I hope you mean sexy times?

Again, no.

OK. Well, if you change your mind.

I'm hot, tall, look good in uniform and I'm incredibly brave.

Show yourself, you bastard!

Come and get me! Yoo-hoo!

Wow! You's been playing that for two hours.

Who are you, my mum?

Keep it covered!

Die, fuck face!

Daaaar!

Yes!

'Nice shooting, private!'

You snooze, you lose. Woooah!

So who's the best at Metal Patrol III, eh?

I am.

Er, skip. Rocket's still the best.

If you want to be the best, you gotta beat him.

Well, I'll need a kip first, but after that...

Chicken! Cluck, cluck, cluck!

Fine! Fine! Fine. Come on!

Want another square of chocolate, big bear?

I'd love one, snugglebums.

Mmm. Mmm.

Hey, so what - are you two together now?

Yep. Is that really so hard to believe?

Well, A: he's way out of your league.

Thanks, Bird. And B: I'm supposed to believe that this is how you,

Nick Medhurst, behave when you're in a relationship?

Yeah, it is.

When I'm with my...

..schnookums.

Ah! You two are rubbish at this. So unconvincing.

All right, see you later.

Rubbish.

Well, we tried.

She's gone. Sorry.

COMPUTER GAME GUNFIRE

'Mission accomplished, soldier.'

Yes! Yes! Yes! In your stupid Scottish face!

Aye, well played, skip. Good game.

You said I couldn't win!

Well, fuck you, Mac, fuck you, Rocket,

and fuck all those guys over there.

Sh!

I think I need to sit down.

Rest the eyes.

Not today, thank you.

I thought I was pretty convincing.

You totally over-egged it. Schnookums?

You called me big bear. Well, you're extremely tall! I was working with what I got.

What are we going to do about our revenge for being messed about? What about that?

She's only going to believe it if she walks in on us. OK, OK. So we get someone to send her over

and then we're snogging as she walks in.

No. It's not enough.

She has to walk in on us having sex.

Nick... Pretending to have sex. Obviously.

I don't think that's a brilliant idea.

OK. Look. She finds us over here, right? But she can't quite see what's going on properly

because of the mosquito nets. No, that's not believable.

Eh? Well, the bed's not strong enough. Think about the repeated up-and-down motion.

Or...we could, you know,

go at it more gently, you know, like a kind of slow...

Yeah, but we're trying to convince her that we're in the early stages of our relationship, right?

So we'd go at it pretty fast and hard, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, that's...probably more believable.

Yeah, I mean REALLY go to town on each other.

Mmm. I don't even think we'd use the bed.

This is solid, right?

Ooh. There's only one way to find out.

Go on, lift me up. Or do you need a diagram?

Ooh! Ah.

Is that...is that believable?

Feels pretty believable to me.

Yeah, I think that works. Yup.

It doesn't give you much movement, though. Probably enough.

Yeah, but she'd expect you to be more in control.

Wouldn't you just...

..bend me over the desk?

I might be too tall.

Have you got any heels?

Uh, bit dressy for Afghan, I find. Come on!

Mmm.

Ah...yep.

Mmmm. Nick.

Careful, Rocket. Careful!

It's like Buckaroo. I loved Buckaroo.

And Hungry Hippos.

Let's put plastic balls in his mouth.

Or real ones.

Where's Nick?

Reports just came back from the WISWO on that device. WISWO! Sh!

Nice job! Cheers. I think Nick went to see the Padre.

Course he did.

God, I wish they'd just fuck each other and get it over with.

It's too painful.

LUSTFUL PANTING

Oh!

Ah!

Wait. Weren't we meant to get Bird to walk in on us?

Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, Nick. This was not a good idea.

Knock, knock! Wait! Wait!

Right, if you two are going to try and convince me of something,

it has to be plausible.

So what, you just had sexy times on the desk in the middle of the afternoon?

Anyway, WIS report.

Aw, look, you've chucked books on the floor and everything.

All that effort wasted.

Yeah, I can't believe we thought that would work.

No. Yeah. Totally unbelievable.

Better luck next time, losers.

RUBBISH!

HE MUMBLES

Har-har!

Tank! Tank! Shotgun, rifle, launcher!

Taaa-pow!

Ah! Game over!

LAUGHTER

Ah, mate! Classic!

What! I need ammo, I need ammo for the er...

It's a hockey thing.

You were sleepwalking, mate.

You snooze, you lose!

No, I wasn't!

Rematch later? Fuck off!

Ah. Roll-bar. iPod dock.

Cocktail holder!

Coffee holder, sir.

Of course.

DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC

Marvellous.

You, my friend, have just been played.

No, no, no.

The Colonel THINKS that he's played me. But actually, I have played him.

You see, I did all that so I could get one over on REME.

And I fuckin' owned those guys.

Oh, yeah?

Oi! Screwhole!

What? You said it couldn't be done.

Said what couldn't be done?

The roll-bar, the iPod dock, all that.

What are you talking about?

Well, didn't the... the Colonel, he...

Oh, fucking hell! Been given the run-around by a Rupert again.

Oh! Poor innocent Towerblock.

Sometimes, you need to learn to see what is in front of your own eyes.

Holy shit!

KNOCK ON DOOR

So, nice try, Nick.

Good plan.

Yeah. It's ridiculous, though, you know.

Me and Mary, totes unbelievable.

One thing, though. If the plan was for me to walk in on you,

then, why did no-one come and get me?

I mean, I just happened to come in with that report.

So either you two were standing around all afternoon,

looking surprised, fumbling with your trousers, or...

No, we didn't.

Yes, you did!

I know what people look like... No, I know what Nick Medhurst looks like

when he's just had sex.

Yes, but Mary wouldn't, would she?

Because she would lose her job if anyone found out.

So?

What's it worth?

Name your price. This cannot get out.

OK. I won't tell anyone,

as long as you stop fucking going on about Mary.

Yep, all right, Bird. The thing is, I do need your advice, OK,

cos I'm not quite sure how to... Zip!

Bird, you're the only person... Zip!

All right.

I promise to never, ever discuss Mary with you ever again,

starting from now, OK?

There. You got what you wanted.

And you got what YOU wanted.

Yeah, I suppose but.

But...what? Was it...bad?

Was she bad?

Oh, Nick! You've got to tell me everything. Not allowed.

I promised to never, ever, ever discuss Mary with you, ever again.

Oh, Nick! Zip. Really? Zip!

Bastard!