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1
00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:09,160
This programme contains
strong language
and some scenes of a sexual nature.
2
00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:14,640
OK, Towerblock. Don't take it
personally but I'm going off comms.
3
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,120
RADIO: 'Boss.'
4
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:29,440
Hello.
5
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:34,840
GUNSHOTS
6
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:37,120
GUNSHOT
7
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,360
GUNSHOT
8
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:58,160
Bloody Hell!
9
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:04,400
ROCK MUSIC
10
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,960
COMPUTER GAME: 'Get down, soldier.
We need your help.'
11
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:35,040
Shoot him in the face!
12
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,800
'Nice shooting, private.'
13
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,480
He'll need that looked at.
14
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:42,120
Hey, guys. Ooh! So what's this?
15
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,600
Crisps.
16
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,200
Oh, the game? Metal Patrol III.
17
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,280
It's brilliant.
18
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,440
Right.
19
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,640
So what, you just run around
and shoot people?
20
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,160
No, more complicated than that.
21
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,800
You have to collect stuff.
22
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,960
Aye, it's running around shooting
people.
23
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,680
Looks pretty easy.
24
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,720
Just saying.
Uh...cos we're soldiers.
25
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,480
It's what we do.
26
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:15,640
So you're saying that
if someone were shit at this,
27
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,000
that'd mean they were a bad soldier?
28
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,760
No, no. You know,
marksmanship, reflexes...
29
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,120
There's got to be some link.
30
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:27,040
OK, Mr Reflexes.
Let's see what you're made of.
31
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,800
I don't want to cut in...
32
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,320
REME guy can wait.
33
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,320
Hey, I've got a name.
Sorry. Screwhole can wait.
34
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,720
Thank you.
And Rocket's banned. He's too good.
35
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:38,920
So...
36
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:42,480
All right!
37
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,440
You ready, skip?
38
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,800
Ooh, born ready.
Vigilant. Always.
39
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,040
It's started. Right. Shhh.
40
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,840
COMPUTER GAME: 'OK, let's get over
that ridge and kick some ass!'
Ooh wait, wait, wait.
41
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,240
Are we on the same team or
playing against each other?
42
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,360
'Mission failed!' What? No!
43
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,520
Against each other. He's Taliban.
44
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:03,040
Right. Fuck's sake. Go again!
45
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:07,800
'OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!'
Yeeeeeaaaah! Death or glory!
46
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,720
'Mission failed.'
47
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,480
Death. Screwhole's turn.
48
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,560
No, bollocks to him! Go on!
49
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:20,000
'OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!'
50
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,600
Nicholas Medhurst.
How are things with you?
51
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:31,520
Yeah, good. Nearly got shot.
Simon saved my life again.
52
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,000
No biggy. Wow! Are you OK?
53
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,480
Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing it.
Nick?
54
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,680
I know it's going to
come back to haunt my nightmares
55
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,360
in a year or two but I'm just going
to make light of it until then.
56
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,320
Nick, seriously, you don't sound OK.
57
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:50,080
No, I do have some residual tension.
Some unrelieved residual tension.
58
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,800
I'm not sure
I like where this is going.
59
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,280
Where do you think this is going?
60
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:58,680
I think you're probably going to
ask for a hand job or something.
61
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,200
Before I choose,
what's the something?
62
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,400
Do you know, I do actually
quite like my job.
63
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,400
So I'm not going to throw it away
so I can touch your penis.
64
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:10,640
OK, OK, I'm sorry.
65
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:15,560
OK? I did nearly die in a big
pipe this morning. OK.
66
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,600
How are you feeling?
67
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,560
I could really use a hand job.
68
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,720
You brought it up!
69
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,320
Oof! Oh!
70
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,280
What a lovely way to unwind
after some war.
71
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,520
Stupid, stupid game.
72
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,320
Do you fancy a brew?
73
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,240
Boss, if you want me to make
a brew for you, you can just ask,
74
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,200
instead of dressing it
up like a Rupert.
75
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:53,200
Cool! Brew please.
I'm off to the ammo store.
76
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,440
I am sick of being given
the run-around by officers.
77
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,720
I mean, how do Ruperts get you to
agree to do everything for 'em?
78
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:04,360
Intelligence? A winning smile?
The basic chain of command?
79
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,400
Courtesy of Towerblock.
80
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,000
I presume he spat in it.
81
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,480
Probably.
82
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,320
Oi. Oi. Oi, Bird, Bird.
83
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:19,960
I want to talk to you about Mary.
84
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,360
Do you mean you're going to
crap on about Mary
85
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:23,720
while I pretend to listen?
86
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:28,320
She basically offered me a hand job,
and then didn't give me a hand job.
87
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,920
Yeah, I expect that's exactly
what happened.
88
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,160
I still haven't had sexual
intercourse with her.
89
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,200
What am I going to do?
90
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,400
Mmm. OK. New idea. Try...
91
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,640
Stop fucking going on about it!
92
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,040
What? "Oh, Mary won't sleep with me.
93
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,280
"Do you think she likes me?
94
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:46,240
"Was she checking me out
when I had my top off?"
95
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,720
Boss. Please. Fuck her, or fuck off!
96
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,560
Well, in fairness, I am trying to.
97
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,200
Corporal House.
98
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,560
Sir. How's the new Land Rover?
That's the 1.5, isn't it?
99
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,800
Yes. It's a classic.
100
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,520
Shame it's not wired for sound
but you can't have everything.
101
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,600
It gets me from A to...just next to
A.
102
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,640
So I don't really need,
say...an iPod dock.
103
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,680
Well, you could easily fit one.
Really? Yeah.
104
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,800
It's the sort of thing that REME'd
say is beyond their capability
105
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,400
but you know what they're like.
No. No, I won't hear of it,
I'm sure you're far too busy.
106
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,520
Honestly, sir. Two-hour job tops.
107
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:33,880
Well. If you're absolutely
determined... Carry on!
108
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,840
# I'm wired for sound... #
109
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,680
KNOCK ON DOOR
110
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,520
Afternoon, Padre.
Everything all right?
111
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,760
Hi, Bird. Fine. Yeah, and you?
112
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:47,280
Can I ask you a question?
About the Bible.
113
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:48,640
Go on.
114
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,120
What does the Bible
teach about hand jobs?
115
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,360
What!
Ah, OK, you've been talking to Nick.
116
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,520
When do you think he's going to stop
trying to have sex with me?
117
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,840
Directly after you've had
sex with him.
118
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:02,000
That's very funny. Right, Nick's
permanent hard-on for you is
119
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,840
because of your unavailability.
120
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,720
So it's not because of my looks
or my personality? Doubt it.
121
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:10,720
So, why don't you just cut to the
chase, and fuck him.
122
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,440
I'm not going to...er,
have sex with him,
123
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,560
just to stop him
trying to have sex with me.
124
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,040
What,
so you don't fancy Nick at all?
125
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:20,960
I wouldn't say not at all.
126
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,120
I fancy him a little bit.
127
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:27,120
Really? God. I am genuinely shocked.
128
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,320
A very little bit
and I'm not going there.
129
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:33,440
OK, to be honest, if you
were to come on to Nick in any way,
130
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,720
he would probably run a mile.
Seriously.
131
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:37,800
No. Really?
132
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,280
Mmm-hmm. Do you think?
But then what if he doesn't?
133
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,680
Because I don't know
if I could do that.
134
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,760
But then if it worked.... Surely
it's not that simple. Or is it?
135
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,120
Maybe it is. Do you know the term
"internal monologue"?
136
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,600
What? Oh! Yes, sorry!
137
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,240
DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC
138
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:05,160
Whoop! For the streets, for the
kids, for the crew! Towerblock.
139
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,600
What? Fancy
a game of Metal Patrol III?
140
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,760
You're never going to beat Mac.
And I'm busy anyway.
141
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,800
What are you doing? Just allying up
the Colonel's Land Rover.
142
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,960
We've all been there. You what?
143
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,360
Let me guess,
he didn't actually ask you outright.
144
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:22,840
No, but I...I like messing
around with cars.
145
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,920
Oh, bloody hell!
146
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,720
I've been given the run-around
again? Yes. He knows everyone's weak
spot.
147
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,880
He had me making goat's cheese.
148
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,880
Right, well, in that case,
this can all come out again.
149
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,680
Yeah, that's what happened to the
goat's cheese.
150
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,800
KNOCK ON DOOR
151
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:50,840
Hi, Nick.
152
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,000
Hot, isn't it?
153
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,880
Quite mild, actually.
154
00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,040
Well. I think it's almost, um,
too hot.
155
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,640
Ooh, hello.
156
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,680
Mary, are you... Shhhhhh!
157
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,600
You don't talk. I talk.
158
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,320
There's something
I want from you, Nick.
159
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,080
Something I've
wanted for a long time.
160
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,840
I'm not coming to church.
161
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,000
I don't want you to come to church,
Nick.
162
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,400
Well, I do want you to come to
church, just not now.
163
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:29,440
I'm a woman. You're a man.
164
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,080
Looking at a woman.
165
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,800
Who's looking at a man. Mmm.
166
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,280
So you're saying that
we're looking at each other.
167
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:39,480
Yes.
168
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,440
Yeah.
169
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,520
Do you like what you see?
170
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,360
I do.
171
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,680
Then take me, Nick. Take me now.
172
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,720
I'm all yours.
173
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:51,760
Really?
174
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:56,240
Yeah. You and me.
Sexy times. Right here. Right now.
175
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,800
Come on. Sexy times?
176
00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,440
Chop, chop! Chop chop?
177
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,200
Let's have the sex you keep
going on about.
178
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,920
Yeah, I'm going to go back to
"really"?
179
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,600
Come on, Mary, what is it about this
whole scenario
180
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,240
that doesn't quite ring true?
181
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,320
Uh...
182
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,320
Oh, yeah, I know what it is.
The whole scenario.
183
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,840
After the way you've described me.
To my face.
184
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,040
Sex pest.
185
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,520
Just forget about all that.
186
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,360
Walking erection. Yes, all right.
187
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,440
Spurting jizz monkey.
188
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,040
Nope, you're right. That was Bird.
189
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,800
But you know the first thing
they teach you at ATO school?
190
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,000
It's to look for the presence
of the abnormal.
191
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,920
And there is nothing more abnormal
than YOU
192
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,320
doing this.
193
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,880
So if you don't mind - no, thanks.
194
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,480
You are kidding, right?
195
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,520
I just don't like the atmospherics.
196
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:51,320
Fine. Well, you had your chance.
197
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,080
I'm not sure I did.
198
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:09,000
Yes, come on.
Die you little fucker!
199
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,600
Shit, shit, shit... Yes!
200
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,200
'Nice shooting, private.'
201
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,480
Rocket launcher... oh!
202
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,960
A rocket launcher at that range?
The blast'll kill you.
203
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:22,680
Sir? Up late, Corporal. Not like you
to be playing silly games.
204
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:27,200
The, er, game...will
develop...skills?
205
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,480
Whatever. Let's shoot some grunts.
206
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:34,160
Sir. Er, the Allies, er,
or the Taliban?
207
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,280
Ooh, Taliban!
208
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,720
And, er, away we go.
209
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:45,200
'Clear the village
and head up the valley.'
210
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,720
'The village is full of Taliban.
Be on guard!'
211
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:53,720
'Mission failed!'
212
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:59,360
So. Turns out you CAN use a rocket
launcher from that range.
213
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:02,200
Ah, well.
214
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,040
Search team nearly done, boss.
215
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,600
Thank you, Sergeant Hogg.
Oi, Simon. You all right?
216
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,520
You look fucked.
Yeah, I'm all right. OK.
217
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,680
Have you been up all night?
218
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:26,240
Maybe. Although, I did finally
complete the bomb factory level.
219
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,200
The big bomb factory in the city?
220
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,840
There's a city? What?
221
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,080
Ha-ha! He knows nothing.
222
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:37,480
Yeah, well, we'll see how much
I know when I fuck you up.
223
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,440
In the game. Sorry.
224
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,560
Oi, Bird. A word.
225
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,000
You know Mary...
226
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,880
She's being very weird.
227
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:57,400
Seriously. Last night,
she threw herself at me.
228
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,560
She came into my quarters
and she demanded "sexy times".
229
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:04,440
I mean, what does she want, Bird?
Presumably she wants...sexy times.
230
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,560
Oh, come on.
231
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,520
I'm the editor of the Sexy Times.
232
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,360
I think if she was interested,
she would have subscribed by now.
233
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:14,400
Well, she did finally admit
she fancies you. What?
234
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,280
OK, all yours, boss.
235
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:20,440
Wait! When was this? Yesterday.
And you didn't tell me immediately?
236
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,800
Well, it's not like you need extra
encouragement to pester her for a
shag, is it?
237
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,360
So last night...that was my chance?
238
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,680
Shit!
239
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,560
Fuck!
240
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,000
Boss? All right!
241
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:42,320
If I get blown up down there having
not shagged Mary, I'm going to be...
242
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,680
..really annoyed.
243
00:13:54,800 --> 00:14:00,040
Right, I've got some serious
pastoral...shagging to discuss.
244
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,400
S'later.
245
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,040
Yes, boss.
And hope you get "past oral".
246
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:08,080
So. Metal Patrol? Are you ready?
247
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,560
Or do you need a few more
weeks' practice?
248
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:15,600
Oh, I am as ready...as...
an oven-ready chicken.
249
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,880
Plucked, giblets out.
250
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,280
And this isn't giving the effect
I was going for. Let's go!
251
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,400
Corporal.
252
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:30,480
Sir.
253
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:33,280
So the iPod dock was a no-no,
then? Shame.
254
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,680
Yeah, well I'm sorry, sir. I've just
had enough of being given...
255
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,400
I mean, I er...
I didn't have enough time.
256
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,960
Mmm. Probably for the best.
257
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,520
REME were livid about you pissing
on their patch, to be honest.
258
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:45,560
Well, with respect sir,
259
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,920
I wouldn't let those
nut fuckers near my lawn mower.
260
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,600
They reckon a decent stereo
system's impossible, anyway.
261
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,640
REME said that?
262
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,400
Honestly, sir, that is just typical
of those utter...
263
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,640
But they are keen to install
a few safety features.
264
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,640
Roll-bars. That sort of thing.
265
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,440
Reckon they can do them
within a fortnight.
266
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,560
A fortnight?
You could do that in an afternoon.
267
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,400
Well, REME don't seem to think so.
268
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,440
You must have a gift for this
sort of thing.
269
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:13,320
Such a shame you don't have the
time. Oh, well.
270
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:14,360
Carry on.
271
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,120
Oh, hi, Nick. Hi, Mary.
So, how was the...
272
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,080
Wait! Hang on,
this isn't what I wanted!
273
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,880
Isn't it? No! A little bird tell me
it IS what you want.
274
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,760
Actually, Bird tells me
it's what you want.
275
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,560
Yes, because I want it to stop!
276
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:33,680
Do you fancy me or not?
277
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,920
Of course I fancy you!
You're hot, you're tall,
you look good in uniform
278
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:40,600
and you're incredibly brave.
Wow! I fancy me now.
Oh, you've always fancied you.
279
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,800
Well, I'm sure I can find room in my
heart for both of us. No! Stop.
280
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,880
Bird said if I came on to you you'd
run a mile! She what?
281
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,400
She's trying to push us together!
282
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,000
Well, good old Bird, eh?
283
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,760
No. Bad. Bad old Bird.
284
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,600
Are you sure?
Because I thought that this bit...
285
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,920
..was very nice indeed.
286
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,360
Stop that. Where is she?
287
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,080
I'm going to give her a serious
talking to.
288
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,520
Like she'll give a shit.
Look, we should actually do
something to get back at her.
289
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,680
Ger our revenge properly.
Keep talking.
290
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,400
OK. So what would piss
Bird off more than anything else?
291
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,040
I've often wondered that.
292
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,040
We should actually sleep together.
293
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,080
No. We need to teach her a lesson.
294
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,480
Yes, by actually sleeping together!
295
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,240
Look, Nick. I promise
you that is not on the table.
296
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:29,840
OK. We won't do it on a table.
297
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,440
What if we act all
lovey-dovey in front of her?
298
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,480
She'll hate that.
299
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,440
Hmm. S'pose. Let's do it.
300
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,240
By "it",
I hope you mean sexy times?
301
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,480
Again, no.
302
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,240
OK. Well, if you change your mind.
303
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:48,200
I'm hot, tall, look good in uniform
and I'm incredibly brave.
304
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,600
Show yourself, you bastard!
305
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:57,720
Come and get me! Yoo-hoo!
306
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,960
Wow! You's been playing
that for two hours.
307
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,760
Who are you, my mum?
308
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,080
Keep it covered!
309
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,920
Die, fuck face!
310
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:09,960
Daaaar!
311
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,720
Yes!
312
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,840
'Nice shooting, private!'
313
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,720
You snooze, you lose. Woooah!
314
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,560
So who's the best
at Metal Patrol III, eh?
315
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,400
I am.
316
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,840
Er, skip. Rocket's still the best.
317
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,320
If you want to be the best,
you gotta beat him.
318
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:32,400
Well, I'll need a kip first,
but after that...
319
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:35,800
Chicken! Cluck, cluck, cluck!
320
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,400
Fine! Fine! Fine. Come on!
321
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,600
Want another square of chocolate,
big bear?
322
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,560
I'd love one, snugglebums.
323
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:51,560
Mmm. Mmm.
324
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,240
Hey,
so what - are you two together now?
325
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,520
Yep. Is that really so hard to
believe?
326
00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:00,160
Well, A: he's way out
of your league.
327
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:04,160
Thanks, Bird. And B: I'm supposed to
believe that this is how you,
328
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,000
Nick Medhurst, behave
when you're in a relationship?
329
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,040
Yeah, it is.
330
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,240
When I'm with my...
331
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,080
..schnookums.
332
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:18,400
Ah! You two are rubbish at this.
So unconvincing.
333
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:19,840
All right, see you later.
334
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:22,760
Rubbish.
335
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,440
Well, we tried.
336
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,320
She's gone. Sorry.
337
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:53,280
COMPUTER GAME GUNFIRE
338
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,760
'Mission accomplished, soldier.'
339
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:04,040
Yes! Yes! Yes!
In your stupid Scottish face!
340
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,680
Aye, well played, skip. Good game.
341
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,120
You said I couldn't win!
342
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:13,040
Well, fuck you, Mac,
fuck you, Rocket,
343
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,680
and fuck all those guys over there.
344
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:17,960
Sh!
345
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,080
I think I need to sit down.
346
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,120
Rest the eyes.
347
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,800
Not today, thank you.
348
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,520
I thought I was pretty convincing.
349
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,280
You totally over-egged it.
Schnookums?
350
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,120
You called me big bear.
Well, you're extremely tall!
I was working with what I got.
351
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,640
What are we going to do about
our revenge for being messed about?
What about that?
352
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,560
She's only going to believe it
if she walks in on us. OK, OK.
So we get someone to send her over
353
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,400
and then we're
snogging as she walks in.
354
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,200
No. It's not enough.
355
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,280
She has to walk in on us having sex.
356
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,720
Nick...
Pretending to have sex. Obviously.
357
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,440
I don't think that's
a brilliant idea.
358
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:07,520
OK. Look. She finds us over here,
right? But she can't quite see what's
going on properly
359
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,080
because of the mosquito nets.
No, that's not believable.
360
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:14,200
Eh? Well, the bed's not strong
enough. Think about the repeated
up-and-down motion.
361
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,600
Or...we could, you know,
362
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:21,440
go at it more gently,
you know, like a kind of slow...
363
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:25,560
Yeah, but we're trying to convince
her that we're in the early
stages of our relationship, right?
364
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:30,320
So we'd go at it pretty fast and
hard, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah,
that's...probably more believable.
365
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,400
Yeah, I mean REALLY go to
town on each other.
366
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,920
Mmm.
I don't even think we'd use the bed.
367
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,520
This is solid, right?
368
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:42,000
Ooh.
There's only one way to find out.
369
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,320
Go on, lift me up.
Or do you need a diagram?
370
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:47,360
Ooh! Ah.
371
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,160
Is that...is that believable?
372
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,560
Feels pretty believable to me.
373
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:55,600
Yeah, I think that works. Yup.
374
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,440
It doesn't give you much movement,
though. Probably enough.
375
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:02,040
Yeah, but she'd expect you to
be more in control.
376
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,280
Wouldn't you just...
377
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,800
..bend me over the desk?
378
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,480
I might be too tall.
379
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:11,760
Have you got any heels?
380
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:15,480
Uh, bit dressy for Afghan, I find.
Come on!
381
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,920
Mmm.
382
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,760
Ah...yep.
383
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,880
Mmmm. Nick.
384
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:43,360
Careful, Rocket. Careful!
385
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,560
It's like Buckaroo.
I loved Buckaroo.
386
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:47,880
And Hungry Hippos.
387
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,760
Let's put plastic
balls in his mouth.
388
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,720
Or real ones.
389
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:55,800
Where's Nick?
390
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,000
Reports just came back from the
WISWO on that device. WISWO! Sh!
391
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,800
Nice job! Cheers. I think Nick
went to see the Padre.
392
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,080
Course he did.
393
00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:09,160
God, I wish they'd just fuck
each other and get it over with.
394
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,120
It's too painful.
395
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,280
LUSTFUL PANTING
396
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,000
Oh!
397
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:35,360
Ah!
398
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:42,920
Wait. Weren't we meant to get Bird
to walk in on us?
399
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,320
Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
400
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,840
Oh, Nick. This was not a good idea.
401
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,960
Knock, knock! Wait! Wait!
402
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,120
Right, if you two are going to try
and convince me of something,
403
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,880
it has to be plausible.
404
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:13,160
So what, you just had sexy times on
the desk in the middle of the
afternoon?
405
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,760
Anyway, WIS report.
406
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:20,200
Aw, look, you've chucked
books on the floor and everything.
407
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,720
All that effort wasted.
408
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,840
Yeah, I can't believe
we thought that would work.
409
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,600
No. Yeah. Totally unbelievable.
410
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,800
Better luck next time, losers.
411
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,200
RUBBISH!
412
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,520
HE MUMBLES
413
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,120
Har-har!
414
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:22,800
Tank! Tank!
Shotgun, rifle, launcher!
415
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,880
Taaa-pow!
416
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,240
Ah! Game over!
417
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,440
LAUGHTER
418
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,080
Ah, mate! Classic!
419
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,520
What! I need ammo,
I need ammo for the er...
420
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,320
It's a hockey thing.
421
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,640
You were sleepwalking, mate.
422
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,800
You snooze, you lose!
423
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,080
No, I wasn't!
424
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,080
Rematch later? Fuck off!
425
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,840
Ah. Roll-bar. iPod dock.
426
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:05,400
Cocktail holder!
427
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,720
Coffee holder, sir.
428
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,280
Of course.
429
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,200
DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC
430
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:15,240
Marvellous.
431
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,720
You, my friend,
have just been played.
432
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,240
No, no, no.
433
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:32,440
The Colonel THINKS that he's played
me. But actually, I have played him.
434
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:35,200
You see, I did all that
so I could get one over on REME.
435
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,120
And I fuckin' owned those guys.
436
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:38,320
Oh, yeah?
437
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:39,920
Oi! Screwhole!
438
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,760
What? You said it couldn't be done.
439
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,320
Said what couldn't be done?
440
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,280
The roll-bar, the iPod dock,
all that.
441
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,920
What are you talking about?
442
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,880
Well, didn't the...
the Colonel, he...
443
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:59,400
Oh, fucking hell! Been given
the run-around by a Rupert again.
444
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,840
Oh! Poor innocent Towerblock.
445
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:08,520
Sometimes, you need to learn to see
what is in front of your own eyes.
446
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:12,440
Holy shit!
447
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,040
KNOCK ON DOOR
448
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,640
So, nice try, Nick.
449
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:21,920
Good plan.
450
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,000
Yeah. It's ridiculous,
though, you know.
451
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,960
Me and Mary, totes unbelievable.
452
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:31,320
One thing, though. If the plan
was for me to walk in on you,
453
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:34,880
then, why did no-one come
and get me?
454
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:37,280
I mean, I just happened to come
in with that report.
455
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:41,760
So either you two were standing
around all afternoon,
456
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,720
looking surprised,
fumbling with your trousers, or...
457
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,720
No, we didn't.
458
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,920
Yes, you did!
459
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:54,400
I know what people look like... No,
I know what Nick Medhurst looks like
460
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:55,480
when he's just had sex.
461
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:57,640
Yes, but Mary wouldn't, would she?
462
00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:02,920
Because she would
lose her job if anyone found out.
463
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:03,960
So?
464
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:06,800
What's it worth?
465
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:10,120
Name your price.
This cannot get out.
466
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,520
OK. I won't tell anyone,
467
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:16,200
as long as you stop fucking
going on about Mary.
468
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,000
Yep, all right, Bird. The thing is,
I do need your advice, OK,
469
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,080
cos I'm not quite sure how to...
Zip!
470
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,520
Bird, you're the only person... Zip!
471
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,160
All right.
472
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:35,080
I promise to never, ever discuss Mary
with you ever again,
473
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,240
starting from now, OK?
474
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,360
There. You got what you wanted.
475
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:41,160
And you got what YOU wanted.
476
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,600
Yeah, I suppose but.
477
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:47,680
But...what? Was it...bad?
478
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,760
Was she bad?
479
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:52,680
Oh, Nick! You've got to
tell me everything. Not allowed.
480
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:57,600
I promised to never, ever, ever
discuss Mary with you, ever again.
481
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,280
Oh, Nick! Zip. Really? Zip!
482
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:01,400
Bastard!
36115
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