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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,840
This programme contains strong
language.
2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,400
It's dangerous enough
without setting fire to the base.
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,920
What's the first rule?
Don't set fire to the base?
Don't set fire...exactly!
4
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:15,280
In fairness, sir,
there was no real harm done.
5
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,760
The paperwork's safe in the ISO,
and nobody's been hurt.
6
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,280
Oh, that is good news. It'd be awful
if Mac or Rocket had been singed.
7
00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,240
I presume they're to
blame for this debacle?
8
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,240
Well, I will be investigating the
cause of this fire vigorously, sir.
9
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:29,840
How is this going to look when
the Secretary of State for Defence
arrives tomorrow?
10
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,280
Is he? Or she?
11
00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,960
Five hours of standing around,
nodding, pointing...
12
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,360
Tell me about it.
13
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:39,320
Pretending to laugh at his stupid
jokes. HTEA. HTEA?
14
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,360
Having to explain acronyms. Awful.
Oh, and did I mention?
15
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,280
You'll be looking after him. What?!
As a favour to me.
16
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,080
Since this whole fire incident has
really brought us together.
17
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,760
No, but, sir, I am on call for...
18
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,200
Yes, yes, if there's a device,
you must go, but otherwise,
19
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,560
you're in charge of keeping this
prize-winning chump
20
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:57,760
out of harm's way. And out of my way.
Yes, sir.
21
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:02,560
Do that and I might overlook this
gigantic flaming cock-up.
22
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:03,680
Carry on.
23
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,120
Do you want your kebab now, boss?
Yes, I do.
24
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,760
Ah! Hot! Hot, hot!
25
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:45,840
OK, guys. Everything squared away?
Yes, boss.
26
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:49,920
And by everything, I mean a bunch
of fire-damaged kit and ashes.
27
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,000
Why, Gloria, why?
28
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,320
Get that thing thrown away.
29
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,040
Boss, the fire safety on this base
is a shambles.
30
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,440
What makes you say that?
31
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,680
I did try and warn you
about the dangers of barbecues but...
32
00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,320
Faruq got us a goat.
It needs eating.
33
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,480
I would like to volunteer to be the
fire safety officer for the base.
34
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:11,760
Fine. I'm ideal for the job
35
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,360
because I am used to pre-empting
danger with my hawk-like...
36
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,800
I said "fine", Simon.
Go and see the lieutenant colonel.
37
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,440
I'm sure he'll be just as excited as
I am. Yes, boss!
38
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,760
Boss, there's someone at the gate
asking for you.
39
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:26,280
Oh, that will be my Ocado order.
A bloke called Ahmed. Young-ish.
40
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,840
Friendly-ish. Bellend-ish.
41
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,600
Unfortunately he thinks he's on our
side, so we can't shoot him.
42
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,280
Did I mention he's an utter bellend?
Well, he seemed fine to me.
43
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,360
I bet you anything he's a bellend.
You can't prove someone's a bellend.
44
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:40,160
Ten dollars. Within 24 hours,
you'll be calling him a bellend.
45
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,680
You're on!
All right, Towerblock.
46
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,760
You can go and make your own
unbiased assessment
of his bellendery.
47
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,080
Oh, and he may have brought
an IED with him.
48
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,840
His hobby is digging them
out of the ground to show us.
49
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:54,040
Really? Yeah. It's weird. You know,
we have the same hobby and yet
50
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,600
I still don't like him.
51
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,320
Now, off you fuck.
52
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,080
Sorry, Ahmed. The captain's busy.
53
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,320
Well, this is OK. The two of us,
we can work together.
54
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:12,240
I wish to ensure the safe disposal
of these land mines.
55
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,360
OK...
56
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,680
Good, but we'd prefer it if you'd
just leave them where you...
57
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,680
Shit! Stop! Don't throw them around!
That is TNT coming out!
58
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,960
Chillax it, mate. They're old!
59
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,640
If they were going to go pop,
they would have gone by now.
60
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:30,760
Am I right?
61
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,640
Listen, you total bell...
62
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:39,000
You totally believe...
63
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:43,320
that you're doing the right thing,
but it's probably best if we just
64
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:48,480
place them carefully in the pit
while trying to keep them level.
65
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:49,760
OK? OK.
66
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,200
Shit! Best of both worlds, mate.
67
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,640
I throw them to you, you place them
carefully in the pit!
68
00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:58,760
OK?
69
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,040
KNOCKING
70
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,520
Mary,
you look more fragrant than ever.
71
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,960
I'm not showing the minister around.
Oh, come on, Mary!
72
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,040
I've got 1,023 more important things
to do than babysit a PONTI for
73
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,400
the next five hours.
74
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,280
So have I... What did you call him?
PONTI?
75
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,040
P-O-N-T-I.
Person Of No Tactical Importance.
76
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,640
Well, that's about right.
Because if I have to look after him,
77
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,640
I'll end up punching the Tory
twat in his stupid Tory face.
78
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:27,360
Wow! Did not see that one coming!
Bloody Tories, cutting benefits,
79
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,920
cutting taxes for the rich
and cutting the Army.
80
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,680
And taking the Lib Dems down
with them.
81
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,800
Well, You're foxy when you're cross.
We should talk politics more often.
82
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,320
Let's have a steamy night in
and talk about foreign policy.
83
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,040
Nick! This does actually matter.
Sure it does. It does!
84
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,240
No, I'm agreeing.
85
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,760
No, you're not.
Anyway, who do you vote for?
86
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,360
You do vote, right? Yeah, I vote.
87
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,360
I voted for...
Who was the hot girl on X Factor?
88
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,760
HELICOPTER APPROACHES
89
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,360
Bye, Nick.
90
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,880
Sir, in view of recent events,
91
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,800
I would like to volunteer to be the
fire safety officer for the base.
92
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:11,960
Fine.
93
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,960
I'm ideal for the job because I'm
used to pre-empting danger with...
94
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,640
I said "fine". Talk to CQMS.
He might have some equipment...
95
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,720
Sir. ..or a special hat.
96
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,280
Why do ministers
insist on visiting Afghanistan?
97
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,520
Why don't they just watch
Ross Kemp, like everyone else?
98
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:42,200
And they always drive off the heli
in a natty little Land Rover.
99
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:46,040
I'm a lieutenant colonel and I don't
have a natty little Land Rover.
100
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,440
Are you saying
you want a Land Rover, sir?
101
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,320
What's the first rule?
Get a Land Rover.
102
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,200
See?
103
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,720
Good morning, Colonel.
I'm the minister.
104
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,320
Don't take the fucking piss, mate.
105
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,640
I think I know who the
Secretary of State for Defence is.
106
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,880
Uh, I'm the Minister
for the Armed Forces? Colin Walters?
107
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,560
Welcome to the base, sir.
Please excuse my earlier comments.
108
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,240
Don't worry, it happens
all the time. I'm new!
109
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,680
Lieutenant Colonel Smith.
This is Captain Medhurst,
110
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,040
who has generously volunteered to
look after you for
111
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,680
the few hours that we're
delighted you could spend with us.
112
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,160
Much obliged. Ooh, Tim,
write these names down, please.
113
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,760
Uh, this is Corporal House, sir.
Sir. House.
114
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,240
And Corporal Bird, sir. Bird.
115
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:43,120
Lance Corporal Simon Lansley.
Fire safety officer.
116
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,440
Which as you can see is going
very well.
117
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,240
Minister, can I get you a brew?
118
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,440
Yes, a brew would be lovely.
Thank you.
119
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:04,560
So, Jenny got moved to Transport,
Neil got done for expenses,
120
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,600
and the next thing was,
121
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,960
I got a call saying, "Fancy being
Minister for the Armed Forces?"
122
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,000
What an inspiring story.
123
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,160
It's quite funny
when you think about it.
124
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,320
I wasn't even a Cub Scout.
125
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,320
And it's all one big
game of Cubs out here.
126
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,760
Aye. Dib, dib, dib.
Step, step, bang!
127
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:25,600
Oh, sorry... No, I... Look, I really
need to see the full picture.
128
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,600
I need to see the grit.
The muck. The danger.
129
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,560
Sir, I've been tasked with keeping
you out of harm's way so I...
130
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,680
No, no, no...
I want to be in harm's way.
131
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,160
Yeah, it's just I hear that
getting your legs blown off
132
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,120
isn't quite as fun as you'd first
imagine.
133
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,160
What I meant was...
134
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,320
I just want to see something go
bang, but you're right.
135
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:49,840
What I'm really here for is to find
out what you guys want from us. Tim?
136
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,640
Better food. Yes.
137
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:55,160
Oh, more food. Relocation of the
entire war to Tuscany.
138
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,560
Ha! That's good, that's good.
Don't write that down, Tim.
139
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,960
Maybe you could show me
around the base, hmm,
140
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,600
and then we'll see where we get to?
141
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,560
We'll just get to a different
bit of the base?
142
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,240
Ooh, ah, boss.
143
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,360
Permission to deliver a fire safety
lecture at a suitable time...
144
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,680
Denied.
145
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,080
"In case of emergency shout, 'Fire,
fire, fire.' " Sounds reasonable.
146
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,840
Except in a war zone, where we
all have weapons.
147
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,120
Oh, yes! Good point.
148
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,360
Thank you, Fire Officer Lansley.
149
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:25,240
THEY LAUGH
150
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:28,920
Who took...? No.
151
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,080
Oh, hi, Mary.
152
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,200
I literally had no idea
you'd be in here.
153
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,520
Ah, the padre in the chapel -
what are the chances(?)
154
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,640
Look, if it's about that Tory twat
again, I've already told you... Oh!
155
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,640
Gosh! Hello! Hello!
156
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,480
Rev Mary Greenstock.
Nice to meet you. I'm Colin Wal...
157
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,480
Walters, yes, I know, yes,
Lib Dem member for Croydon West.
158
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:52,080
What's all this? You know him, then?
Oi-oi!
159
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,800
No, no, no, not personally.
Well, I wish!
160
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:59,440
No, I mean, I know your work.
I know your work.
161
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:03,560
He's a Methodist lay preacher and
tireless social justice campaigner.
162
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:07,440
Good news, Minister, we appear to
have flushed out your stalker.
163
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,920
Oh! Stalker!
164
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,800
By the way, the photo on your website
doesn't do you justice.
165
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,120
Seriously?
166
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:21,280
Oh, well, I'm sure that if the
chaplains' department wanted someone
167
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:25,680
to put on their, er, website, they
couldn't do better than you, Padre.
168
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:32,000
Minister... Look,
why don't I show the minister around?
169
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,920
Because I think Nick must
have 1,023 things to do.
170
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,680
No, actually, no.
171
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,400
Boss, we've got a shout on
suspected IED in Yellow 15.
172
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,560
1,024 now. You must go.
173
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,080
No hurry.
The bomb'll still be there.
174
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,800
But what if somebody steps on it?
175
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,080
Then it won't be there.
Problem solved.
176
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,480
Fine... I'll do the bomb.
177
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,920
Ooh! When we get back,
let's eat the rest of that meat.
178
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:14,520
No more barbecues! That's an order
from the fire safety officer.
179
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,240
But we've still got
three-quarters of our goat left,
180
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,600
and it's no' that nice raw.
I don't care! No more barbecues!
181
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,000
What if...we didn't cook
it on a barbecue...
182
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,760
You want tandoor?
183
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,480
What's a tandoor?
184
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,600
A clay oven. Very hot fire.
Bury it in the ground.
185
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,320
Kebabs - delicious.
186
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,720
We should get that.
I find one for you. We shall agree.
187
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,080
100 dollars.
I'll give you 20. Done.
188
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,160
What was that?
What were you selling him?
189
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,440
BOTH: Porn.
190
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:54,840
Right, Towerblock,
this device is very unstable,
191
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,040
so I think we're going to have to
blow it in situ.
192
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,600
But what about collecting evidence
for forensics?
193
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,080
Fine, if we have to.
194
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:06,800
But gotta work fast cos we're
losing the light.
195
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:11,880
Yeah, good point. It does always
get dark around noon(!)
196
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,680
At least I think is says noon.
197
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:16,240
The sun's so blindingly bright
I can't quite...
198
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,480
Yes, all right.
199
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,920
I have to get back to get
that PONTI away from Mary.
200
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,400
Ah. Probably too late.
201
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,720
He'll be bending her over the altar
as we speak.
202
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,840
I'm saying they're fucking.
Yes, all right!
203
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,400
Boss, I see movement.
Something is happening.
204
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,600
Glad we're paying extra for detail.
205
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,280
GUNSHOTS
206
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,520
Do not engage until we PID.
207
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,040
Do not engage until PID.
208
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,120
Diamond 21,
this is Bluestone 42.
209
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,280
Contact. Wait out.
210
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,080
Who the fuck is that?
211
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:53,040
Do not engage! It's Ahmed!
I thought he...?
212
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,200
Oh, fucking hell!
213
00:11:55,200 --> 00:12:00,120
Ahmed,
stop shooting your fucking gun!
214
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,440
Taliban!
215
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,960
HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC
216
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,360
He says the Taliban can
lick his balls!
217
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,880
I can see them.
The Taliban - not his balls.
218
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,720
Tree line - two o'clock.
219
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,920
Ahmed, you have to stop doing this!
220
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:33,480
But, Bluestoners, I came to
help my new friend, Towerblock!
221
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,520
We make an awesome team.
222
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:39,680
There we go, Towerblock.
Some training on handling locals.
223
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,120
Why don't you outline
the rules of engagement to Ahmed
224
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,840
so I don't have to punch him
in the face?
225
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:51,280
Er, OK, Ahmed, if you want to get
involved, you need to join the ANA.
226
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,400
Ahmed,
why don't you share your views
227
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,120
on the Afghan National Army with
Towerblock here?
228
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,320
They can lick my balls!
229
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,680
He seems really keen on people
licking his balls.
230
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,720
Maybe he doesn't have a shower.
231
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:06,840
What you're doing fucks up
the rules of engagement.
232
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,280
We need positive
ID before we return fire.
233
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:14,840
This is what I like about the
British. They are all about jokes!
234
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,200
My most favourite comedian is
Michael McIntyre.
235
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,200
And what's our favourite
joke of his?
236
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,400
Oh! The first time I heard him,
I thought, yes!
237
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,360
I, too, have man drawer!
238
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,480
And...what do you keep in it?
239
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,160
Grenades.
240
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,560
Course you do!
241
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:35,720
See? A massive end of a
gigantic bell.
242
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,920
Sir! Hi, Nick. Padre.
243
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,040
Sir, if I could peel
you off Mary for just one moment.
244
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,200
I'm about to conduct a logistical
demolition and I wondered if you
245
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,400
would like to spend your last hour
with us watching something go bang?
246
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,640
Ooh. That sounds good.
Mary, do you mind?
247
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,920
No, of course not.
No, no, no... You're the boss.
248
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,520
Literally. Sorry.
249
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,160
No, I'm just
the Minister for the Armed Forces.
250
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,880
I can't even start a war.
251
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,480
Well, that's something. Shall we?
252
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,760
Ah, Private, could you hop out
so I can borrow this vehicle?
253
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,720
Er...no, sir.
254
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:29,280
I beg your pardon?
255
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,120
This vehicle is for the exclusive
use of the minster, sir.
256
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,520
The minister's not here, is he?
257
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,640
So, be a good chap and hop out,
Private.
258
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,120
Sorry, sir.
Specific orders from Brigade HQ.
259
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,720
Well, I'm a lieutenant colonel, so
just...
260
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,880
put those orders to one side.
Temporarily. Sorry, sir.
261
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,720
Can't I just have a tiny go in it?
262
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,360
A tiny, tiny go?
263
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,080
Please? Come on, please?
Superior office, please?
264
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,600
You've made yourself a powerful
enemy, Private.
265
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,560
That should do it.
266
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,760
Boss, the colonel said to keep
him out of harm's way.
267
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:36,680
This is out of harm's way...ish.
And it's out of Mary's way.
268
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,360
I saw how much serviceable
explosive you used.
269
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,360
They're going to hear this in Kabul.
Fuck it!
270
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,760
I've got to stop him slithering
into Mary's affections
271
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,080
like some kind of tiresome,
parasitic worm.
272
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,920
Right. Time for some fireworks.
273
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,360
I mean the safe disposal of ordnance
in a controlled environment.
274
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,520
Can I press the button?!
Can I press the button?!
275
00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:59,760
Towerblock, we have guests!
276
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,680
Sorry. Sir,
would you like to press the button?
277
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:04,960
Yes, please!
278
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,880
Everyone in cover!
279
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:11,680
Stand by. Controlled explosion in
seconds one zero.
280
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,000
Ten... Sir, if you just wait for the
countdown...
281
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,520
..nine... ..then push those two
together. ..eight,
282
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,840
seven, six, five...
Should have a bit of a kick.
283
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,680
I bumped up the donor charges
by 10%.
284
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,960
..four, three, two...
285
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,600
But I already did that.
286
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,360
..one.
BOTH: Oh, shit Firing!
287
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,200
Oh, yes!
288
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,400
HE CHEERS
289
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,960
Woo-hoo! So, Minister, this is what
we do.
290
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,600
Wow! Fantastic.
Shame you can't stay any longer.
291
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,600
We could've taken you
out in the field with us.
292
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,960
Do you really mean that? Course!
293
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:54,240
Tim,
cancel my meetings for tomorrow.
294
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,160
I'm staying with Bluestone 42.
295
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,800
Oops.
296
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,240
And how long does he think he's
staying for? A week? A lunar month?
297
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,880
Well, I hope it's... Shut up!
298
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:11,240
Medhurst, you are without doubt one
of the least professional officers
299
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,320
I've ever had the misfortune to meet.
300
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,600
And I've been on joint ops
with the French!
301
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,880
Sir, he did specifically request
to see a controlled demolition.
302
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,280
Oh, then since you're in a generous
mood, I'm specifically requesting
303
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,240
that you baby-sit that tiresome clot
until he leaves, at which point,
304
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,080
you will be on shit-burning duty for
the next six months. Sir.
305
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,080
Now, if you'd be so kind as to shut
the door
306
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:31,840
as you get the fuck out of my office?
307
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,560
Is it ready yet?
308
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,120
We've got to keep it at 400 degrees.
309
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,520
Wood.
310
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,440
Paraffin.
311
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,320
Can I smell burning?
312
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,560
Cookhouse, Skip.
313
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,280
It smells like a barbecue.
314
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,480
Aye, aye! It does a bit, doesn't it?
315
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:28,040
I cannae see a barbecue, though,
Skip.
316
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,520
Must just be the cookhouse.
317
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,560
Fuck!
318
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:36,800
Why is the ground on fire?! Fire!
319
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:41,200
Watch out! No, no, no.
That's paraffin!
320
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,720
Ow, ow. Right, get that put out.
321
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,760
I'm going to seek medical advice.
322
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,000
Right. I'm up to my chin in shit
with the colonel.
323
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,600
That shit is rapidly rising.
324
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,320
If we can't get rid of this PONTI,
325
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,360
the shit's going to go above my head
326
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,480
and I'm going to be swimming
in shit.
327
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,920
Towerblock, I need you to
call your bezza, Ahmed.
328
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,640
He's not my bezza.
He's a bellend. You'll see.
329
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,840
Whatever.
At least he's reliably deranged.
330
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,800
What you've got to do is, you've got
to tell him to bring in something
331
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:15,040
that looks like a massive device,
so the PONTI is evacuated.
332
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,280
You know, like a couple of palm oil
containers,
333
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,200
flour sacks taped together in the
back of his car, bit of old wire.
334
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,800
That's a terrible idea.
335
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,160
The gate guards won't just let him
drive it in.
336
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,200
Everyone watched
Zero Dark Thirty last week
337
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,000
and that's exactly what
happened in that.
338
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,600
Is it? Which bit?
339
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:35,000
The bit where they drive the car
bomb into the base.
340
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,240
Oh. Yeah. That's my favourite bit.
341
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,600
I never saw it. Was it any good?
342
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,000
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
343
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,960
Erm, can we just focus here, please?
344
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,400
We will tell the gate guards that
he's just been cleared
345
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,160
as a locally employed civilian.
346
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,240
You will then pretend to check
the car then wave him through.
347
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,080
OK, boss, if you're sure. Yeah!
348
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,120
Just tell him we need something that
looks just like a massive device.
349
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,320
Massive device, but not real.
Obviously not real.
350
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:07,080
Holy fucking shit!
Are you fucking insane?
351
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,880
I asked for a fake device.
352
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,200
I know, but I found a real one, mate,
so brought you that instead.
353
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,760
And you didn't think to tell us that
354
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,040
before we let you drive
the fucking thing in here?!
355
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:22,640
I could drive it out again?
It's not safe!
356
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,080
It might be?
357
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,720
Everything all right.
Looks good, doesn't it?
358
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,160
There's a reason for that.
359
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,520
Oh, shit!
360
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,440
I thought you searched the car?
361
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,000
I pretended to search the car.
362
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,040
Yes, but while you were pretending
to search the car, I thought that
363
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,000
you might have noticed...
Doesn't matter, it's too late now.
364
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:45,720
Get my kit.
365
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,280
We'll set up an ICP over there
and evacuate to the perimeter
366
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:53,480
and we'll just tell everyone there's
a suspicious-looking device
367
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:58,440
in the car. OK? Yeah, OK.
368
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,480
What am I going to do?
369
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,600
Not smoke! Bellend!
370
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,680
So, are we on? Yes. Slight
development. The bomb is real.
371
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,600
It's a real bomb. ALL: What?!
372
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,920
I thought it was a fake bomb.
373
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,880
Yeah. So did I.
Turns out it's a real one. Hang on.
374
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,640
If the bomb that was meant to be fake
is actually real,
375
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:22,840
then nothing's changed.
376
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,240
There's no trouble.
We still evacuate him.
377
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,320
Everything's OK.
378
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,320
Yes, Simon - everything's OK,
apart from the socking great bomb,
379
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,040
right there, that could flatten out
most of the base.
380
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,160
Oh, yeah. Good morning, chaps!
Has anyone seen the padre?
381
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:38,560
Nope.
382
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,960
I hope I didn't frighten her off!
Is everything all right?
383
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,240
This some sort of drill?
384
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,960
Funny story, Minister. That is
385
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,920
if you like stories that end with,
386
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,320
"There's a bomb in that car!"
387
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:54,960
A bomb?
388
00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:00,360
Is it going to go off?
No. Milk goes off. Cheese goes off.
389
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:05,000
Bombs function,
detonate or destroy the entire base.
390
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,680
But what is it even doing in
the base?
391
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,520
Haven't you seen Zero Dark Thirty?
Aye. It was shite.
392
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,720
THEY CHATTER
393
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,960
Yes, all right! To sum up -
it's a firm three stars.
394
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:18,080
I'm sorry, Minister, but I'm afraid
we're going to have to get you
in a heli while I do a render safe.
395
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,200
I already took the liberty
of ordering you one.
396
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,160
It's the Afghan Air Force, so
good luck. Shall we wait over here?
397
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:26,760
Right.
398
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,040
Let's hope I can sort this quickly
before the colonel finds out.
399
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,560
Oh.
400
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:35,000
Might just be me, but it seems this
whole area is being evacuated.
401
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,920
Sir, if I can explain? That car...
402
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:39,600
Don't drive a fucking car bomb
into the fucking base!
403
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:43,160
That's not even the first rule,
it's so fucking obvious.
404
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,560
Sir.
Deal with that, then come and see me.
405
00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:48,040
I'm going to personally make sure
that you are moved to
406
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,880
the shittiest desk job in the Army,
407
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,560
where even the desk is made of shit.
408
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,040
Awkward!
409
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,560
How long until the chopper
gets here?
410
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,760
I really want to say goodbye to
Mary before I leave.
411
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,520
Oh, feel free to pop out, sir,
and find her. Oh, really?
412
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,600
Yeah,
just take a left at the car bomb.
413
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,680
Hey, Bluestoners!
414
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,840
No cigarettes in here!
This is live ammunition.
415
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,000
Would a joint be OK?
I feel kinda tense.
416
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,600
RADIO CHATTER
417
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,720
Roger that. Taxi for the minister.
418
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,280
Thank God!
419
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,440
I can't take any positive action
while the heli's there.
420
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,800
Tell him he's clear to land.
Boss.
421
00:23:58,320 --> 00:23:59,760
Are we safe here?
422
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,680
How d'ye mean, safe?
423
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,600
If the bomb were to detonate,
what would happen?
424
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,680
What, here? Yeah.
425
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,440
We'd die.
426
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,400
Aye. Definitely.
427
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,840
Die.
428
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,800
Shit!
429
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,400
Let's do this.
430
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,600
OK, Towerblock, you can sound
the all clear.
431
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,880
ALARM BLARES
432
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:19,120
Nick, this wasn't all just to
get that PONTI away from me, was it?
433
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,280
No? So, you normally let car bombs
onto the base, do you?
434
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,480
One showing of Zero Dark Thirty
and suddenly everyone's an expert!
435
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,280
Well, if it was to get rid of him,
you needn't have bothered.
436
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:31,160
Last night he told me
he's about to defect to the Tories,
437
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:34,000
just to keep his majority
at the next election.
438
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,920
I thought he had principles.
439
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,320
It's just another
Greenstock hope dashed. Sorry.
440
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,000
No, you're not. No, you're right.
441
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,400
So you didn't shag him, then?
442
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,000
All done?
443
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,240
Yeah. Look, as much fun as this
has been, I think I'm going to be
444
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,400
back in the UK before the minister.
445
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,800
The colonel wants to make
a bag-for-life out of my arse.
446
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,120
That's odd,
447
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,800
because you may have noticed
that the minister was evacuated
448
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,800
in a heli rather smaller than
the one that brought him in here.
449
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,840
Too small, in fact,
to fit that in it.
450
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,840
No, oh, no, no! This is not safe!
Get this all cleared up!
451
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:24,240
Aw, come on. We're having our
morning shish! Where is he?
452
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,360
Sir?
453
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:28,320
That utterly useless
soon-to-be-Lieutenant Medhurst.
He seems...
454
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,880
CAR HORN BEEPS
Sir.
455
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,400
What, erm... It's a Land Rover.
456
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:37,560
So it is, sir.
457
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,160
So it is.
458
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,480
Thank you, Captain Medhurst,
I knew I could rely on you
459
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,680
and Bluestone 42. Carry on.
460
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:54,640
Yumbles.
461
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:58,960
You know what, Towerblock,
462
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,560
you should really have
searched that car better.
463
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:03,760
I'd left all these
grenades in the glove box.
464
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:06,920
Right.
465
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,120
Give 'em here - I'll put them
in the pit by the gate.
466
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,840
No. It's OK, mate.
467
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:14,480
I'll put them in the pit
by the gate.
468
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:17,760
No, not in the pit by the gate.
469
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,200
In the pit by the gate.
470
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:21,920
Sure. Funny.
471
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,600
Ahmed, you fucking bellend,
just do what I...
472
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,080
Thank you!
473
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,800
Not by the grenades!
474
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:46,480
Fire! Fire! Fire!
38133
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