Original subtitles

We are the army in an ambulance.

-One, two, three, HART! -[Diana] Having fun?

Would it be wrong to say shit loads?

[George] You stole a memorial bench...

-Yeah. -...to get back at a dead woman

for cock blocking you.

-[cheers] -What are you doing?

I don't want to sit in a pub acting all matey

just so you don't have to feel bad

about rejecting me on New Year's.

I can't sleep.

I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning.

[Diana] Next week we've got a taster course for potential HART recruits.

You don't like it, you can come back to the granny lifters.

[alarm buzzing]

[action music playing]

-[pants] -Fastest time yet.

I inject it!

You hear that, you slow bastards?

I am a beast! A beast!

-Are you done? -Sorry, done now.

-Whoo! -[opening theme music plays]

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Morning, campers! So, uh, Gary here.

I'm in charge while, uh, whilst Jo's away.

And I just want to quickly congratulate Darrell

who's been presented with a bravery award

for apprehending a dangerous criminal.

[applause]

Someone give him a big pat on the back from me.

[groans] What the hell, Kareshma?

-That was from Gary. -You're bang out of order, Gary.

-[Darrell] How dare you. -[Gary] Sorry.

I'm here to serve you...

you, you, you...

Uh, you only pointed at the white staff.

Racist.

God, no. You, uh, you, you... uh, you...

-What about the gays? -I'm here for them as well.

-[Wendy] Oh, dear. -Yeah, fuck this.

Uh, well, definitely you...

[indistinct chatter]

Well, we're all a little bit gay, aren't we?

Uh, you... you, maybe. You?

[Wendy] Ready?

Ta-da!

Who made this dead primary school sign?

I did. Do you love it?

-It's whack, fem. -Yeah, it's whack!

[chuckles]

-Sorry, is that a good thing? -No.

How have the sessions been going with George?

It's all right, you know. You know, I used to think

therapy was some white people's shit,

-like crumpet. -And now what do you think?

Well, I still think it's rich white people's shit like crumpets

however, I like both.

Well, today, I want you to have a nice easy shift back

after your little breakdown.

Hey! It wasn't a little breakdown, man.

You better not be telling the streets that you saw a man crying.

I don't even know how to get in touch with the streets.

-[radio beeps] -[radio controller] ...two collapse at funeral,

Heaven and Earth Church, Lewisham.

I'm gonna try and divert this.

You cried not at a funeral, what will you be like at a funeral?

-[radio beeps] -Four-five-ten responding.

Please, Wendy, I love funerals. They're actually my favourite.

That sounds like something someone would say after having a little break...

Sorry.

[upbeat music playing]

[ambulance siren wailing]

[Maleek] Hello, aunty. Hi, you all right?

Oh, oh. Hello, aunty.

Wait, are all these women your aunty?

No, it's a sign of respect, they're my elders, remember?

I don't know every black person. Hey, yo.

Well, who's that person you're waving at?

Oh, that's my cousin.

And I know them, but... it's besides the point.

What's happening, brudda? You all right, aunty? Hello, mate.

[Wendy] Can you tell us what's happened, duck?

[music playing]

[door knocks]

Hi, uh, quick one.

I just want to know how long Jo's gone for?

I really need to talk to her.

Well, she's in Essex

at the HART training for at least a week.

-Ah. -[George] Have you heard of texting?

Yeah, or... or a phone call?

I love picking up unknown numbers.

No, I need to speak to her face to face.

Uh, Essex... [sighs]

I need to take the day off today, um...

sick leave? Yeah, I'm feeling sick.

[coughs] It's just, come on.

Oh, Lawrence, do you want a soother or...

No, I just need to go and lie down in a dark room.

Okay, Gary, as depot lead, he needs to ask your permission now.

Oh.

Gary, can I have a day off sick?

Of course, I'm not a dictator.

[Lawrence] Thank you.

[fake coughs, clears throat]

-[door closes] -Well, that went very well.

[upbeat music playing]

Gary!

[Darrell] You two-faced monster.

You think it's jiggy to split up me and my bro on our last shift?

-It's not jiggy. -[stammers] I want everything to be jiggy.

-Put us back together, or we'll strike! -We'll bite you!

[stammers] There must have been a terrible mix up.

Ooh, work together. Please, please.

[Darryl] Mate that was so intimidating, the way you just...

-[Darrell] I plunged him. -[Gary] Oh, God.

[sighs]

-I swapped the rotas. -What?

Well, it's hard being at the top, Gary.

And today, I'm gonna make it harder.

Well, I'm already taking pills for that at the moment, so, good luck.

TMI, Gary.

That's way too much information.

So, we've been thinking about your assertion that Jo's

at the root of the pastoral care failings

at South Hill and, um... [inhales]

...well, are you familiar with the concept

of an HR shit sandwich?

That you take a slice of good news,

hide the shit in the middle and top it off with more good news?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly.

So, we thought we'd move her onto a quieter depot.

Co-lead, something like that.

Actually, Roger, would you mind leaving this with me for now?

I think I have a solution that would benefit everyone.

Yeah, yeah, sure, be my guest.

Between us, um...

I'm actually a bit scared of her.

[music playing]

Look who's turned up.

Daddy Longlegs has brought your lunch?

-[motor engine stops] -If so, he better have cut off my crusts.

[laughs] No, only joking, I bloody love crusts.

Fiber, you know. One sec.

-Loz. -Hi, um, could I have a word?

I knew I should never have left a boy to do a man's job.

Did Gary burn down the depot? Tell me he has at least perished in the fire?

Ah, no, everything's fine with the depot,

and, um, Gary's actually a very positive leader.

Oh, all right, well, why don't you marry him then?

[Lawrence] Um...

What?

I actually wrote what I was gonna say

on the palm of my hand, but the gloves, the bike,

sweat glands and cheap biro, it's turned into a blurry mess.

-[chuckles] Um, but, it's all up here. -Okay.

[Diana] Spit it out, you lanky twat.

Five minutes to the next exercise.

Come on!

Ah...

what I wanted to say was...

um... [clicks tongue]

...I heard you were low on patient volunteers, maybe I could, um...

What? Loz, we've got dummies for that.

I need to get ready for the next exercise.

Right, yeah, yeah. You do that.

I'll just hang here with these legends.

That didn't pan out the way I thought it would.

[music playing]

[Pastor Olofemi] No need to panic, great people, God will protect this man.

Amen to that. Hey, what's your name, my friend?

Just call me Pastor Olofemi.

He was talking to the patient. His name is Lazarus, help him.

[Pastor Olofemi] In the scriptures,

Lazarus will rise from the dead.

In the scriptures, was Lazarus diabetic with high cholesterol?

[Aunty Funke] Pastor, please, we have to let the medics focus.

He's unconscious. He's barely breathing.

[Wendy] Twelve breathes a minute.

Is everything all right, Maleek?

Is he reminding you of your dad?

No, he wasn't. Well, he is now. Thanks very much, Wendy.

[Wendy] Well, think happy thoughts.

You like crumpets. Think about crumpets.

I'm trying to think of how to save this brother's life.

Right, Wendy, do his blood pressure,

O2 sats and sugar levels. I'm gonna set up the CCG.

Oh, duck, this is traumatic for you.

I don't want you to have another little breakdown.

Hey! Wendy! Stop.

Just do your job now, man.

[music playing]

[Darryl] So, have you written a speech for later?

-[Darrell] Have I? -[Darryl] Yeah, have you?

-Ooh, have I. -Bro, have you or haven't you?

-Have I. -Just answer the question.

Have you written a speech or not?

No, I have. That's why I'm saying "have I".

It's one of the best speeches ever.

Oh, see when you're saying "have I",

I didn't know if you've written it or not.

No, I have, that's why I said "have I" because I have.

So, did you restock the truck for later?

Did I.

-"I did", that's all! -[stutters] I did it, I--

-Just be clear! -Did... I did!

I did.

Go, go, go, you're P1.

You're P2, you're P3, you're P4. P1, get them out!

-It's not looking great for him. -It's not meant to look good for you either, mate.

Did you read your patient card? You're supposed to be coughing and struggling for breath.

I thought that was a bit on the nose.

I'm going for something a bit more nuanced.

[Lawrence] Jo, I sometimes struggle to say how I feel.

Speaking as Lawrence or the patient?

[Lawrence] I see a lot of my emotions as colours, actually.

Grays, darker grays, midnight grays.

All right, Mr. Farrar on ball ache.

What I'm trying to say is I love you.

-What? -I love you!

[walla]

Again...

Lawrence or the patient?

As Lawrence.

-You are a jellyfish. -What?

Just randomly floating along with your dangling tentacles

paying no mind to the people swimming around you

and then you sting them.

And they just have to find someone else

to piss all over them and make them feel better.

Have you found somebody else to... piss on you?

I have found something that makes me feel better.

This. HART.

I mean... [scoffs] what?

You turn up with your graying mustache

and little sad bear eyes and just expect--

-I didn't expect. -No, Lawrence, no.

I'm sorry. You blew it.

You're right. If me going will make you happy, then I'll just go.

Can you unbuckle me, please?

[music playing]

[Lazarus] Don't touch me. What's happening?

Get off me, get off me now.

-Get off me now. -[Aunty Funke] It's okay, darling.

-You're in the hands of-- -God.

-Uh, I was going to say the paramedics. -[grunts]

Right, look, everyone just needs to focus.

Mate, I need you to hold him down.

I can't find a vein to get the line in.

Right, give it here, I'll try. Can't have him decline again,

he might go into arrest. Hold him down.

Please, let me help with my anointing oils.

Pastor, please be my guest. This man needs all the help we can get.

You do the God thing, I'll do the science.

-What about me? -Just do whatever it is you do.

Ooh, they smell lovely. Are they from Habitat?

-Yes. -Which store?

The one in [unclear]

Look, hold him down. Please.

[Maleek] There we go.

[Pastor Olofemi] My oils worked.

-In God's name. -[Maleek] Amen.

Science did chip in though. But we did it.

Do your job now, man.

[Gary over speaker] I just want you all to know how proud I am

that you're part of Gary's team.

I'd like to take this opportunity

to thank my wife Trish,

Trish was making my egg mayo this morn...

Yes, well, carry on, everyone, carry on.

Hi, hey.

I, uh, saw that this was overflowing

and I thought you might like to have a little read.

The feedback form box.

Yeah, if you can't trust the feedback of your colleagues,

what can you trust?

-My thoughts exactly. -Yeah.

The sheer venom.

I've only been in charge for a day,

how could I have offended so many people?

"Gary is the dictionary definition of a chocolate teapot."

Oh, no, that says more about the person who wrote it than you, Gary.

-"Gary is a shithouse." -It's not even constructive.

I'm not even going to read that one out loud.

Oh, come on here, look, I'll do it.

[George] No, I'll have a look.

Thank you, Gary.

Oh, would you look at that.

They're all in the same handwriting.

Isn't that interesting, Kareshma?

Okay, Gary, we're just gonna take some air.

No, don't look her in the eye. Don't talk.

Oh... come on.

[laughs] Come on, this is gold.

I know right now you're thinking maybe I should bow down in the face of greatness.

But don't.

I'm just a normal guy, a normal regular bloke

who opened a door that hit a bad guy.

Really, that door could have hit anyone.

An innocent old lady or a small child.

Before I finish, there's one person in particular

that I'd like to thank.

His name is Darryl.

He means everything to me. Without him, I'd be nothing.

Just a heap of skin lying on the ground,

no bones, just with maybe clothes I guess.

No, oh. I'm only doing a photo for the Twitter feed.

-Oh, right. -[camera clicks]

-Hey, George. -Nice tux.

Thanks. I just picked up my bravery award.

At least now I have a memento of the London Ambulance Service to take back to Australia.

That and my jar of Darryl's beard hair.

You're leaving?

That's a crying shame to lose such an outstanding team member.

Especially considering the current staffing crisis.

My visa expired. I'd do anything to stay.

Even murder.

[Gary] Well, why didn't you come and see me sooner?

I'm your union rep, I'm gonna get onto this.

See if we can't resolve the situation.

You don't think he'd really want me to do a murder?

-[upbeat music playing] -[ambulance siren wailing]

You have got to work harder, you have got to work faster,

you are in the game of saving lives.

Do I see harder? Do I see faster?

-[inhales] Ooh, it's a shame. -Oh, shit, what did I get wrong?

If you let me finish, it's a shame...

no one's gonna do it better than you've just done.

-Thanks. -Oh, I was expecting another,

"I am a beast!"

[chuckles] Um, no, I'm just...

ah, cream crackered.

You know, if you complete the course, Jo,

there's a place for you on the HART team.

Be good to see you at the table of the gods.

This is what you want, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just with the depot and, um...

Are you sure this isn't about motorbike man?

It's not about that helmet headcase, and even if it sort of was,

he doesn't know what he wants, so...

You know, a little bird told me he does know what he wants. He wants you.

And you strike me as a woman who knows what she wants.

So all you've got to do now is go and get what you want.

But he messed up.

And then I extra messed up some more, and anyway, he's offskis.

Well then, go and stop him.

That's an order.

-Loz, stop! [emotional music playing]

I love your 'tache and teddy bear eyes.

I love your weird Victorian socks that creep me out

and turn me on at the same time.

Loz, I love that you chew soup!

I love that you're the only person I can be myself around.

I want to give us a go, Loz. I love you, too.

-[music stops playing] -What?

-Did you hear any of... -No, I had my helmet on.

Are you gonna shout at me through a megaphone?

Whilst I probably deserve it, I just want to let you know...

I do have very sensitive ears.

I had grommets as a child.

[emotional music continues]

Let's get out of here, Daddy Longlegs.

Wow.

[emotional music fades]

Yeah.

-[clears throat] -Jesus, Gary.

What... you doing, creeping up on me like that?

This is my office.

Well, that's one way to speak

to your good friend who's made you a cup of tea.

Mm, I'm not sure I want to defecate out my organs today, thank you.

Excuse me?

Well, you've put enough eye drops in there to clean out a horse.

-[fake chuckles] -Enough with the pranks.

You won.

But I do have something to show you.

Come with me.

-Pranking you is totally shit. -Why?

[clicks tongue] You take it all so well.

I've been making your day a living hell

for shits and giggles and then you go and do

one of the nicest things you could ever have done for me.

Oh, well, I'm... I'm so glad you like it.

My thumb's hanging on by a thread.

[emotional music playing]

Ah.

-[gulps] -[music stops]

Uh, you... you do know we can't actually drive around like that. Right, man?

Yes, [stammers] I did realise that afterwards.

I'll come in early tomorrow, [stammers] and cover it over.

Oh, mate, I'm so sorry about your locker.

Why?

You're gonna need to get it professionally cleaned.

And did you eat your lunch?

Yes, I did.

Well, I'm... I'm sorry about that as well,

but, uh, hey, let's put that all behind us.

I'm gonna take you for a pint. Yeah?

We'll go somewhere with good toilet access.

All right? Me and you out on the town.

-[upbeat music playing] -[ambulance siren wailing]

[laughing]

-Oh, that looks like good news. -Yeah.

-[Aunty Funke] The oba is here. -What does oba mean?

It means king, but who's she talking to?

-[Aunty Funke] Oba! -It's you, puff-puff.

-Hello, aunty. -You saved my husband.

-He's alive! Praise be! -Praise be!

-No, honestly, it was an honour. -Such a good boy.

A medic. I wish my son was a medic.

He's an actor.

-A terrible waste. -Oh.

You are the sort of boy who would make his father proud.

Aw. I bet your dad's up in heaven

eating his ocean pie, cheering you on.

[African accent] Go, Maleek, go my son.

Why'd you have to kill such a beautiful moment

with that dead accent?

And thank you also, white lady.

[normal accent] Oh, it's just my job, duck.

I would like to officially elevate you to aunty status.

Well, from one aunty to another,

that's an absolute honour. [chuckles]

Is there a WhatsApp group I could join or shall I set one up?

I could set one up. "Aunties Anonymous".

[giggles] Oh, sorry, I'm just so excited.

-All right, Wendy, let's get you back to the ambo-- -[coughs]

[clears throat] Sorry.

Let's get you back to the ambulance, Aunty Wendy.

-Take care. -Bye, aunty.

-See you, aunties. -Bye, aunties, bye, aunties.

-[Maleek] Come on. -[music playing]

[closing theme music plays]