Original subtitles

(sirens and upbeat music)

- You have one tiny job, Spencer.

Restock the ambulances.

Gary is not your bloody assistant.

- Oh, no, no.

- My main character energy

is feeling very attacked right now.

Oh, you'll know when I'm attacking you, son.

I am a size eight, steel-cap boot

for rearranging your vital organs.

I'd rather deep fry my tits

than have this useless bastard in the depot.

Take him on a ride along, part of his training.

- What do you mean, ride along training?

That's not even a real thing.

- Get him out of the depot

before I punch him directly in the throat.

- That does sound like a real thing.

(upbeat music)

- I'm the only one who signs you off.

- Bang, bang!

- Fuck!?

- Loz, I'm on a call.

- Perhaps I should've used a silencer.

- Makes no difference, I've got hearing like an owl.

- Parents evening with June and the kid tonight.

(vocalises suspenseful music)

Yeah, I might wear a tie.

- Okay.

- With windmills on it.

Let me guess you think that's a big fat red flag, yeah?

- Er, I think all ties are a big fat red flag, Loz.

- I meant the parents evening.

- Err, no, sounds like you're in deep.

Good.

- Too deep, yeah?

Get your arm bands on, you tuna melt.

Loz is drowning in commitment.

- Happy for you and, what's her name, June.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Weird.

You said, when she got me that watch,

you said she was handcuffing me into the afterlife.

- Just banter, mate.

- Parents evening.

What's next, Loz?

You're gonna get the kid's name tattooed on your forehead?

- Okay, that impression of me,

drop it before I drop you.

- Fair enough.

- Oi!

Bell-end of the year.

You've been signing off my staff.

- You know, I had a dream last night

that we had a normal conversation.

Hi, how are you sort stuff.

It was so nice.

But, yes, yes.

Those members of staff I signed off

were completely burnt out.

- Yeah?

That's how I feel after every conversation with you, George.

- Do you need me to sign you off as well?

- I know you can't relate,

but my staff have an important job

and you cannot be signing them off willy nilly

because they have a headache.

- But I can sign them off.

And I will, if I have to, Jo.

Have a lovely day.

(upbeat music)

- Can I drive the ambulance?

- You don't have a licence, babe.

You failed your test, remember?

- Yeah, and we all know why that is.

Because I feel anxious when I'm being judged.

- Well with respect, duck, he was the examiner.

- Four five one papa kilo.

Cat two, welfare check.

- Copy that.

(siren)

- Ah, ahh, no!

No, sorry, can we not.

That's so annoying. - Oi!

Never ever touch my sirens again.

Yeah, certain men have died for less.

(siren) - Ah, ahh, no!

No, I hate it, sorry.

- Spencer, keep ramping with me.

I'll just ban you from South forever.

- How about, to keep the peace

between my two favourite mandems, we have them off?

We skip through the traffic with the lights alone?

- Wendy, I know how to make noodles in a kettle.

I'm not scared to go prison for deading your son.

(siren) - Oh!

Okay.

♪ You're gonna make me, make me love you. ♪

♪ Nothing at all. ♪ - Shut up!

♪ (upbeat music) ♪

- That's nice, that's good. - Yeah.

- Sorry to hear about your bracelet.

I've lost things.

- Yeah, we made them.

They keep us together.

- And what was it that you lost?

Maybe we could help you look.

- Karen, my wife.

But at least you never have to say goodbye

to lost things twice.

Remember that.

- I know where she is. She's in the cemetery.

(upbeat music)

- Give me that.

- A word of advice.

How about you actually thank the people

that peeled him off the pavement and saved his life.

- I'll drink that patient's bed pen

before I thank you for doing what you're paid to do.

- I'll choke Merry Seacole the fuck out.

- Keep me out of this.

There are only two things I'm scared of in this world.

Nurses and, no, actually just nurses.

- Gary, my dead Nan has more testosterone than you.

- Whoa.

- Luxury coffee, those little jelly beans.

No one gives paramedics diddly squat.

Oh no, Gary.

Yes, Gary.

Put them back.

- All right, Gollum, chill.

Nurses are like one step up from GP receptionist.

They do not deserve all this.

- Kareshma, you cannot say nurses don't deserve all this.

- Oh, we don't deserve gifts, do we?

God, no!

You're gonna need God after I finish with you.

You pick the right day to meet the wrong nurse.

- Couldn't you be the right nurse on the right day?

- Fine, you picked the right nurse on the wrong day for you.

A stormy Tuesday.

- Look, there's been some terrible misunderstanding,

um, Bev.

- I'm sick of paramedics like you.

Thinking they're better than us.

Don't forget, you lot are basically just delivery drivers.

- That's a bit steep, don't you think?

Look, I'm gonna get my tea and get out of your hair.

- I think not.

Us nurses, we connect with our patients.

That's why we get gifts.

You barely even know if they're male or female.

- Objection!

That is a big fat lie.

- Oh, is that right?

(sniffs)

Don't fuck with me.

I can smell your fear.

And you're being seconds away

from pissing your tight little y-fronts.

- I'm wearing a hybrid pant, actually.

The length of a boxer, the support of a y-front.

- Fight back, Gary, you got this.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna say two rude words now.

One beginning with S, the other ending in T.

- Is this foreplay?

'Cause if so, I'm dry as a Ryvita.

If you don't mind, I'm going to the bathroom.

(sucks her teeth)

(upbeat music)

- Oh, Jo.

Jo, someone's made an anonymous complaint against me.

Against you? - M-hm.

- Oh.

Shall I put the kettle on?

Maybe one of your rank teas'll make everything better.

- Apparently I'm offering

happy endings to my clients after sessions.

- Don't you have like five sessions a day?

That's a lot of elbow grease, George.

- I don't do happy endings, Jo.

- I see you every single day.

You've never offered me one.

I'm feeling a bit left out.

- Did you know they record these complaint calls?

Which means I'll be able to find out

who made these anonymous allegations.

- Oh yeah?

- The high ups, oh, they think that a person

must have to be in a pretty dark place

to make a prank complaint like that.

- Mm...

Disagree.

Sounds like a legend.

- Any idea who it might be, Jo?

- Your mum?

- Okay.

(upbeat music)

- Found his burner in his pocket.

Enough coke to take down the Wolf of Wall Street.

- What's this bent yute doing?

You're here to help us.

- I'm helping the collective us, Maleek, okay.

The dealer's a person of colour

and you know better than anyone else

how the police treats them.

- Oh, please.

It's not like he's the police's target audience.

You know they prefer a much more darker hue.

- What are you saying?

I'm not an ethnic minority?

- No, my brother, you're a G.

I'm just saying that it's-

- In the minority Olympics, are you top of the middle table?

Disgusting.

- You really can't talk

outside of your lived experience, Maleek.

And that's coming from me.

A cis, pan, leisure and tourism grad.

- Look, I'm just saying, in the police eyes,

yeah, I'm more of a bruda brother.

And you are more of a, you're a bruh.

- Na, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna accept that either.

The Met has done a closed internal investigation

and we have come to the conclusion that we are not racist.

- Oh, well I guess that solves everything then.

- Right, enough.

Spencer, go and get the oxygen and the gurney please.

- Not now, Mum.

I'm busy using my white privilege for good.

You should try it sometime.

- I'd have never spoke to my dad like that.

- Maleek, I'm a builder parent, not a breaker parent.

- Well you need to break your kids before other people do.

Spare the rod, you spoil the child.

Watch.

Spencer, go and get oxygen now!

Told you.

(upbeat music)

(horn blaring)

- That wouldn't have happened

if I had my bloody friendship bracelet.

- Bro, you need to let it go.

You're almost mowed down a pensioner.

- At least then I'd feel something.

I'm numb.

- It's just a bracelet.

- Why don't you shut your god damn mouth

before I drive this ambulance through Taco Bell.

When I go back to Australia,

how am I gonna feel connected to you without it?

- Nothing can break our connection.

You know, I'm getting rid of this bracelet.

I'm taking it off. - How dare you?

What are you doing?

No bracelet, no friendship.

No friendship, no lifelong memories

lulling me as I go to sleep.

That's when the fire takes over, the brimstone,

the demons emerge and enter my mind.

I go crazy.

They locked me up.

I escape.

I start selling illegal DVDs down by the docks.

They try to arrest me.

I end up killing two policemen, good guys!

They're family men!

- I'll keep the bracelet.

(upbeat music)

- Oh!

My arm.

(handcuffs click)

- Oh, come on, treat him like a person first.

- Right, let's go.

- Spencer, do you want to play the wait in the van game

whilst we get our bags?

- Are you absolutely bonkers and also mental?

I'm not waiting in there with a drug dealer.

One time at a festival I bought weed.

Okay, they gave me a full bag of thyme,

I vaped the whole thing,

and I'm not being dramatic, I nearly died.

- Oh, he's a person first, remember.

- Spencer, the winner of the waiting the van game

gets a new iPad case.

See?

Creative parenting really does work.

- And, while we are waiting for our escort to the hospital,

I want an apology.

Accusing me and my colleagues of being racist.

- Yeah, I want an apology from you and your colleagues

for being racist.

Check mates.

- Defund the police!

(laughing)

- He'd be running faster if he was a bruda brother.

- Us paramedics, we don't ask for much.

We get paid even less.

We're out here peeling bodies off the pavement.

We literally put our lives on the line, day in, day out.

We're the unsung heroes of the NHS.

And what do we ask for?

A cuppa and a bickie at the end of each job.

- Yeah. - But what do we get?

- Well, we get our six weeks- - It was rhetoric question.

Don't ruin my flow. - Sorry.

- We get a punch in the face, Gary.

- We do, yes. - Spat at.

- I have been many times all the time.

- Abused!

- All the time. - Well not today!

- No, no. - No more, Satan.

We rise.

- Yes, we rise.

- You need to stand to that nurse, Gary,

and you need to do it soon!

(upbeat music)

- What the fuck is he...

- Look at the son of Lucifer.

- This is why I told you to give him licks.

- To be honest,

it's the closest I've ever been to licking is bottom.

- What?

- A lick means slap, no?

- Yeah, but, Wendy, the way you just said it,

it sounded a little bit mogudu, I'm not gonna lie.

- Spencer, I don't think you realise how serious this.

If this guy doesn't get the treatment he needs,

he could lose his arm.

- Exactly, he won't be able to play PlayStation again.

That's a death sentence.

- Do you know, I'm surprised at you, Maleek.

I thought you would've understood.

- Why is that?

- Well, I presumed, as a bruda,

you would've been pro the liberation of a POC

by the corrupt arms of the law.

- Yo, he was a drug dealer who,

high on his own supply, crashed the car.

He's lucky he didn't kill anyone.

All you needed to do was watch him, you fool.

- I did watch him.

And after getting to know him, I was able to look past

the label that society had put on his head as dealer.

- Spencer, I am really struggling

to deal with you right now.

- Oh, dry your white woman tears, Mum.

I don't regret anything.

I guess, for you, Maleek, not all skin folk are kin folk.

- Bruv, he was flippin' Asian!

- And here we go with the Asian hate.

Do y'know,

your voice is starting to sound like those sirens, ne-naw!

No thank you.

- Hey, Wendy, I'm sorry, but I gotta fuck up your son.

(thump) - Oh!

- Yeah, ne-naw, ne-now!

I'm gonna beat you like your mum didn't.

- Yeah, come on then, big boy.

- What's he doing?

- Yeah, bitch.

Come on.

- You need to get your son.

(thump) - Ah!

You fucking scratched my eye, you little prick!

(yelling)

(thump)

- Scratch time, baby!

(thump)

- How'd you like that, bitch?

- Oh!

- Your mama.

(upbeat music)

- So which one you want to keep, the left or the right?

- I'm sorry?

- Testicle.

'Cause I'm now about to rip one out with my teeth

and shove it down your partner's throat.

- I'm vegetarian.

Gary, let's just make your tea and go.

- No.

You can't rush a brew.

And you've taught me that you can't rush freedom.

- Nobody touch me kettle.

- You think you're gonna get the last laugh?

Well, think again Missy,

because I will not surrender.

Oh, delicious.

(gargling)

Milk!

Kareshma, get milk!

(gargling scream)

(upbeat music)

- Ow, man!

I swear that youth's got the fingernails of a pimp.

- He's had them since he was born.

It was like breastfeeding Edward Scissorhands.

If you saw the state of my boobs

you'd think I was a self harmer?

- Oh, please.

Gonna need hypnosis from George

to get that dirty image out my head.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, Maleek.

He man handled you.

I couldn't watch.

Threw you around like a rag doll.

- Are you tapped?

Brother boxed your youth left, right, up, down,

all the way across the Irish Sea, fam.

- Now your lips bleeding. - Ah!

Well at least you can agree

that you need to be tough on him.

You gotta tell him

that his behaviour was completely unacceptable.

Also, you'd better tell him that if I catch him in South

he's leaving in an air ambulance, bruv.

- I'm gonna think of something

that's gonna really teach him a lesson.

Something even your dead dad up in heaven'd be hollering,

"Go, Wendy, go, Wendy, go, Wendy."

- Yo!

Don't put words in my dead dad's mouth ever.

Excuse me.

(upbeat music)

- Gather round, please, bell ends.

Ah, okay.

I have received an anonymous tip off,

which led me to investigate a locker.

To my shock and disappointment, and total joy,

I have discovered a bag of sniff.

Spencer.

It was your looker.

- Drug dealer.

- Alongside this ugly bracelet.

- I think I'm gonna come.

- Jo, I swear on my Twitter account it's not my drugs.

- Never had you down as a coke head, Spencer,

more of a glue sniffer, so I'm actually impressed.

- Does that mean I'm not fired?

Double check it's not thyme.

- You have got five minutes to get out of my depot

before I call the filth.

- Mum, we can fight this.

Remortgage the house, sell all your belongings,

assemble a legal team, please.

- We all make mistakes, darling.

- But I didn't!

- You don't need to lie to me.

I've already forgiven you.

Spencer, this is so, so sad for me.

Well take this moment, go back to Nottingham,

and find out what you really want in life.

- You're right.

- You're right.

- Wowser.

(chatting)

Oh, sorry, I actually,

I need the keys to the flat now I think about it.

- There you go, go on.

- Oh, and my official Apple charger.

If I get too far from it, my throat starts to itch.

Can anyone give me a lift? - Fuck off.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, before you go,

I got the recording of those complaints.

You might recognise the voice.

- [Deep Voice] I was just telling her

about my dead mum

and then she offered me a happy ending.

- It's terrible, isn't it?

- [Bad Scottish Accent] She just would not stop

thrashing me in my session.

I just wanted to talk.

Now I'm scarred.

- I anonymously withdrew those anonymous complaints.

- Oh, why, Jo?

I was having such fun guessing.

It was between you and Gary and Gary was edging it.

- Stop signing off my staff

and I will stop implying you're a sex pest.

Easy peasy

- Just because you don't understand

doesn't mean it isn't so.

Take on just some of my methods

and I can stop signing people off.

- I've got a better idea.

You get the hell outta my depot.

I'd understand that.

- [Radio] Three five eight lima charlie,

PRU driver Lawrence Kerr has had a road traffic accident.

He's on blues to South Field A&E.

- Lozer, shit!

(siren)

(crying)

(ragged breathing)

(screams)

- Ow, oh!

What you doing.

- Loz!

Shit!

I thought you were fucking dead!

- I'm just slightly winded

and a possible cracked rib now, thank you.

Loz, what are you doing

playing silly boards under the covers.

- Just trying to get some kip.

The curtains here are practically transparent.

- What?

Which is why at home I've invested in Gothic shutters.

A hundred percent blackout made from rare Lithuanian pine.

(laughing) - Oh, Loz.

- What?

Why are you laughing?

- You gave me a proper fright, you knobhead.

- Just twisted my ankle.

I fell off my bike.

A few minor bruises,

but they gave me some very nice painkillers.

The doctor said I was the luckiest man in Lewisham

Which is a possible contradiction in terms.

(Jo laughs)

- So what's June doing out there ugly crying?

Shall I tell her to go and pull herself together?

- Oh, we just parted ways on the river of destiny.

- Oh, mate.

(exhales)

Having a proper stinker, huh?

- Well, it wasn't my decision.

- Oh yeah?

Well what happened, Loz?

- Well, I mean, we had moments of happiness together.

- Well not many.

- But when we were together I just wished I was alone.

- Oh course, course, Loz,

don't want that albatross round your neck, do you?

- Yeah.

New beginnings.

- Yeah.

- The harvest is coming.

- Yeah.

♪ Sew the seeds, young lad ♪

♪ Sew the seeds, young lass ♪

♪ Sew the corn ♪

♪ Sew the body ♪

- We'll blame that on all the morphine you're on, hey?

(chuckles) - Yeah.

Well, I don't wanna keep you

if you've got some important you need to...

- No, Loz!

Always got time for you, you dingbat.

Budge up.

- Ow! - Oh, bad leg?

You hungry?

- Um...

- Got chicken fingers.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

- Hey?

- They don't look that bad.

You got me, Loz.

(upbeat music)