Original subtitles

CLARKSON: On today's show,

Richard wets himself in a small hatchback.

We play Conkers with caravans.

And a clash of the Titans

as Ferrari meets Aston on our track.

Hello and welcome to the incredible Pagani Zonda,

which is now available with added excellent-ness.

Richard Hammond said he wanted to drive this new version

but was insistent that he had to get in the mood first,

which he said meant that he had to go to the south of France.

HAMMOND: Welcome to the coolest thing in the entire world.

A boat.

It's called the Wally 118.

And despite the underwhelming name,

it's the most radical and futuristic yacht ever built.

If Darth Vader was a pirate, this would be his ship.

It costs 14 million pounds,

but the money hasn't gone on gold chandeliers.

Forget your gin palaces with drinks' clubs, this is 2004.

These window frames, carbon fibre.

The dining table, that's carbon fibre.

Everything is carbon fibre.

Yeah.

It actually is.

That's because this boat is as much about speed

as it is about luxury.

It was shaped in the Ferrari wind tunnel.

Its gas turbine engines give out 17,000 horsepower.

And even though it's 118 feet long, and weighs 95 tonnes,

it can still do 70 miles an hour.

The trouble is, though, after this, any transport on dry land just seems so shabby.

What on Earth do you pop to the cash point in?

This isn't a bad start.

The Pagani Zonda roadster.

Your Wally yacht owner will feel right at home here,

with the futuristic cabin.

And the swathes of carbon fibre.

Now, when we drove the hard-top version of this a while back, we loved it.

But the first question is,

is it still as quick now that they've taken the roof off?

Yes, it is still fast.

Naught to sixty, about three seconds.

Top speed, 218 miles an hour.

You see, usually, when you take the top off a car,

it actually has to get heavier

because you have to put big girders and oak trees in to make it stronger.

But here, the technicians have been skilful.

The weight has only gone up by 30 kilograms.

In fact, the whole car is a third of a tonne lighter

than a Lamborghini Murcielago roadster.

But the best thing is, with the roof down,

there's nowhere to hide from the V12 bellow.

Let me take you somewhere rather special.

There are demons in here,

and I'm driving one.

This is my new home.

In fact, I would sell my house, buy one of these and live in a tunnel.

Actually you'd have to sell your house because the price,

415,000 pounds.

Welcome to the dark side.

This is like nothing I have ever, ever experienced.

This is life changing.

I shall emerge a different man.

That's exciting.

If you're 10 and you're watching this right now,

it's exactly as good as you think it is.

It is actually that good.

Having found that the Zonda was still fast in a straight line,

I headed for the foothills of the Alps

to see if it was still good at going around corners.

This is incredible.

To drive, it feels lithe and nimble.

Which is weird words to use

when you're talking about a 7.3 litre, V12-engined mega-car.

I just want to drive.

I don't want to stop doing this at all, ever.

But the weather changed its mind.

Which meant I had to pull over and put the fingernail-busting roof up.

Lift.

Ooh.

Engine.

Brilliant, isn't it? Buy a Peugeot for a few grand

and it's one button.

Supercars are a bit more fiddly.

I think this has gone well.

See the glamour?

I've...

It's gone.

Okay. This is suddenly a very different experience.

555 brake horse power in the wet.

Only 40 of these will ever exist.

I really didn't want to make it 39.

Somebody else's hyper-car... No pressure.

I needn't have worried, though, because, even in the wet,

it's still so useable.

Yes, I'm conscious of the rain.

I'm conscious the big, fat tyres can aqua-plane.

And it doesn't seem to make much difference.

The only thing that will cause us to go over the edge now

is me getting a bit over-zealous with my right shoe.

I wasn't scared.

I love this car.

It's got all the weapons-grade engineering underneath,

and yet it's still outrageous enough,

still just vulgar enough,

to be the perfect playboy's wheels out here on the Riviera.

And wherever that amazing yacht is,

it knows it's got a soul mate on dry land.

If I may just have a moment here.

-Oh, no, it can't. -What?

It cannot do, as you claimed in the film,

naught to 60 in about three seconds.

Oh, Well, all right, 3.7 if you want to be precise.

That is about four seconds.

Well, look, either way, Mr Pedantic,

however you look at it, it is a glorious car.

I adore the Roadster Zonda, I do.

I mean, okay, the Ferrari Enzo or maybe the Porsche Carrera GT

are technically better cars,

but for a sense of theatre, and almost pantomime, it is impossibly glamorous.

Honestly, I thought I'd feel silly in a car that didn't have a top,

but I felt brilliant.

And then when I went into the tunnel the...

This is bad news, ladies. Very bad news.

Little Richard has fallen in love

with a tonne and a bit of Kevlar and wires.

-Yeah, I have visibly... -It'll all come down here...

No, they're all come down with bare midriffs

and Richard and Hammond written on their... Like that.

And it's no good, he's gone.

I love it. I think this is the big one.

Now, we're gonna have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um...

-Oh, yeah. So let's do that.

And the news is that we are for sale.

On eBay, there is a signed picture of the three of us.

-Really? -All our signatures on it.

How much do you think that's going for?

-A million pounds. -No, not a... 20,000 pounds.

-MAN: Five quid. -Five quid?

-Somebody said five quid. -HAMMOND: Oh, thank you.

MAY: They say five quid? Any advance on five quid?

-Four pounds, 20. -HAMMOND: What?

-BOTH: Four pounds, 20. -Oh.

-You can sell anything on eBay these days. -Really?

Yeah, I sold a part-used box of cigarettes a while back.

-HAMMOND: What? -A what?

A part-used box of cigarettes that I found in my house.

-A builder left them, a painter. -Yeah?

Two had been smoked,

and obviously I don't smoke, so I took a picture and stuck them on eBay.

-Somebody buy them? -Six pounds, 50.

What was the list of things you'd done before you got down to auctioning off

partly-used packets of cigarette?

I made six pounds, 50, which is more...

That's more than is being made out of a signature with your bloody face on.

-You have a point. -I'm staggered.

I'm just staggered. eBay bores the pants off me.

Right. Can I talk about some new cars, just briefly.

Two quite interesting ones. Firstly, this Chrysler Crossfire roadster.

This is the Roadster version of the Crossfire Coupe.

It's about 28,000 pounds, 700 quid more than the Coupe.

Naught to 60 in six and a half seconds. Top speed, 150.

And another one, this Nissan 350Z Roadster,

about 28 grand, 1,500 more than the Coupe.

Six seconds to 60, 155 miles an hour.

They're both available now, they've just gone on sale.

The problem is, though, that there's so much choice in that market.

We've got an Audi TT convertible.

-BMW Z4. -Porsche Boxter.

S2000, SLK.

There's loads before you even have to start thinking about that sort of stuff.

I know, it's a busy part of the market.

But I think that one, actually, the 350, looks pretty good.

There is a fundamental flaw with it.

-What, you can tell from the picture? -Easily.

Okay let's just say you get one, you're at a drinks party,

somebody comes up, says, "So, Richard, what are you driving now?"

"Nissan." You're right. I don't want it.

Yeah, you don't just go out saying you've got a Nissan. All your street credit gone.

Now, have you seen these specs?

Speed cameras, the new ones.

They measure your average speed between two given points.

So I was going through Northampton the other day, okay?

There is a 50 mile an hour speed limit, about two miles.

Now when you have got to maintain an average speed of 50,

it means the only thing that you can look at is the speedometer.

So you drive like that.

You can hear the wheelchairs going under the wheels, and the babies and old ladies.

I'm not looking at them. I swear to God, they are going to kill people. Trust me.

They're forward-facing though, am I right?

Yeah, the cameras, they take the pictures as you go towards them.

-Yeah, I approve of those. -CLARKSON: Why?

-Because I'm a motorcyclist. -Yeah, that's true.

What's that got to do with it?

There's no number plate on the front of a bike.

It's true.

It's a fair point. I never thought... Why? Why is that?

Yeah, but the thing is I've been through Northampton on the bike.

Why is there no number plate?

I believe, they were actually made illegal in the early '70s.

Well, because it used to be up right on the front mud guard.

Yeah, so if you had a crash,

it was like somebody just put a meat cleaver in your head, essentially.

Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling I will concede,

but there's a disadvantage,

because, I was talking to a surgeon just last week,

and he was telling me...

You know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank

-in front of the saddle? -Yeah, a lot of sports bikes do.

Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident?

-Your testes torn off.

-Oh, no! -CLARKSON: You know, it's a fact. It's a fact.

So you can do that to a speed camera, but next thing you know...

This surgeon was telling me he now spends most of his life

sewing testicles on people.

Which is annoying if you're a woman.

"Why have you done that? They were my boyfriends'

"and now look what you've done!"

I'd love to be... I'd sew them on someone's ears.

Serves you right for being a biker. Now you've got earrings.

I'd sew them on their shoulders so the next time somebody says,

"Well done, mate."

Now, you may have heard recently

that the ancient schoolyard game of Conkers has been under threat

because those loonies at Health & Safety got their hands on it

and they decided that they would make school children

wear goggles when they're playing it.

So that's exactly what we did.

HAMMOND: Today, we'll be using this huge airfield as our playground.

We're staying pretty faithful to the game you know and love.

But we've just gone a bit more ambitious.

Now, instead of string, we've got these huge cranes that we can hang stuff from,

and then swing it about with gay abandon.

All we need now is some conkers.

HAMMOND: And here they are. Six ripe beauties

that fell from the old fibreglass chestnut tree.

MAY: And the rules are really child's play.

First, we choose three conkers each.

See, I was gonna go for this bright Musketeer for one of mine.

Oh, look, a Monza!

This has got a galvanised chassis, which yours hasn't.

HAMMOND: Sturdy stuff, that.

Now, in real Conkers, the skill is in the choosing of your conker.

You might have a three-er, but the other bloke could pull out a niner.

And it's the same here today, but different.

The skill is in the choice of caravan.

MAY: I, for example, have gone for this 1983 Eccles Amethyst two-berth,

with flip down sink, Porta Potty, and an all-up weight of 530 kilograms.

HAMMOND: I've gone for this four-berth Piper 415.

At 700 kilos, it's a biggun.

MAY: Unfortunately, Health & Safety have found out about our Conker game

and have stepped in with some precautions.

There you go. I now feel perfectly happy about being hit in the face by a caravan.

The conkers are a splendid 50 feet apart and Richard will take first swing.

Hammond is expecting victory with the much-heavier Piper.

HAMMOND: Right, here we go. Our first Conker of the season.

Three, two, one.

-MAY: Whoa...

MAY: That's lovely. HAMMOND: Oh, no!

-No, it's mine. -Yes!

MAY: At first it looked as though David had felled Goliath,

but then the two-berth Amethyst crumbled.

-I've still got one wall left. -What do you mean...

Look, it's not over yet. Look.

HAMMOND: They're still conking.

One, nil.

-HAMMOND: James, we are grown men. -Is that right?

HAMMOND: Playing Conkers with caravans.

MAY: That's okay. It's better than working in a bank.

MAY: Round two. It's my turn to swing and Richard has gone for a Monza.

Against it, I'm going to pitch the Sprite Musketeer, 630 kilograms.

Six-ninety for the Monza. It's lighter. You've had it.

The Monza is weakened.

HAMMOND: Victory!

-MAY: That's got it. -No, my Monza!

MAY: Yes, look.

Yes, yes! That's magnificent.

Right, I won that one.

HAMMOND: So, as is the way in television,

the scores are level as we go into final round.

It's James' turn to swing again, but I am noisily confident.

Let me just tell you what you're going up against here.

-Yeah? -That's an Abby GT, 754 kilos,

it's the heaviest one we've had.

It's got hot and cold running water, a separate bathroom.

It's the most modern. It's a winner. You've had it.

MAY: You think I'm worried?

One for all and all for one, mate.

HAMMOND: James' Musketeer is battered but defiant.

MAY: Three, two, one. Die.

HAMMOND: Oh, look, just give up.

HAMMOND: Yes! MAY: Oh, no!

HAMMOND: I'm sorry, mate, the Musketeer bought the farm!

You are the winner of caravan Conkers.

Yes! A lifelong ambition achieved.

It's tough.

This is the one, then? This is the winner.

That's it, that's the very one.

-A wooden caravan. -This really is a Top Gear top tip.

Let's be honest. Because if you're going to play Conkers with your caravan,

which is better than hitching it up to the back of the car

and getting in everyone's way, let's be honest,

um, this is the one to go for. What is this?

-This is an Abby GT. -Four-berth.

-Yes. -With separate shower cubicle.

CLARKSON: Okay, okay. There you have it.

Now it's time to meet our guest.

He was described recently by one newspaper

as being "The Rolls-Royce of comedians,"

which, presumably, means he's 18 feet long and half German.

Let's find out. Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Carr.

-How are you? Have a seat. -Good.

-A big welcome. -Well, thanks very much.

Now let's just canter through your early life, shall we? Cambridge educated.

Mmm-hmm.

Yes, I was. A lot of people tell you that the wrong way.

A lot of people think if you're Cambridge-educated

you may be a bit pompous and up yourself. Not true.

The only reason I went to Cambridge is because I got four As at A-Level.

Well, after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.

-Yes. Shell. -Middle management?

Yeah, I was in marketing for oil.

-Okay. -Which is technically the easiest job on the planet.

Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?

-Yeah. -Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?

-Yeah. -Buy some petrol.

-CARR: Job done.

'Cause, I mean... I've got this big thing going at the moment.

You know how... "Ooh, crude oil,

-"so bad"? -Ooh.

It's not bad at all. Crude oil is magnificent stuff.

It should be called magnificent oil.

And then people would not get so worried when it crashes all over a beach in Wales.

You think a rebrand is needed?

Well, yes, because what have you got, a couple of sticky guillemots?

That sounds painful.

-It's a bird. -It's a bird?

It's a bird and they get a bit oily, and then you wash them down

and it's fine. Everything's absolutely fine after that.

But, "Ooh, those oil companies, they are so bad."

How much are they now contributing to the Exchequer?

They make 800,000 pounds an hour profit, Shell.

-An hour? -An hour.

That's more than I make in a week.

But then you've got a Cambridge education, so you know, it's fair dues.

Anyway, you're a success now.

-Uh, yeah, if you like. Why not? -Huge success.

Your own TV show, very successful tour film radio show, the lot.

And you've got a Rover 75.

I know. I've done well.

I thought I'd treat myself.

Well, what happened is, earlier in the year I was thinking about buying a car,

maybe some kind of CL Merc and I had a chat with my girlfriend

about what new car to get.

And, you know, after a couple of hours we both decided

that the best thing to do was to get new curtains.

Very happy with that decision.

So you've wound up still with a Rover 75, which, let's be honest,

-is a dreadful car, really. -Well, I won't have that said.

But this one is significantly better than the last one I had.

-You've had two? -Yeah, I had...

So you bought one, and then sold it and then bought another one?

Not quite. What actually happened was,

the first one blew up twice at high speed,

and then they sold me another one.

That's madness.

What happened was it was an LPG car. Someone had converted it to LPG.

A fellow with a pipe and a beard had gone,

"Yeah, I could do that. Easy."

And he put the wrong kind of fuel manifold on it, if that's not too technical.

He put a few plastic fuel manifold, I think, made out of straw or something.

And it needed a metal one.

So I was doing 80 down the motorway with my girlfriend beside me

and it blew up.

The engine, the brakes, everything. Shh! Gone.

-The brakes? -Yeah. Everything just went. The engine just imploded.

I thought, "Right, that's a bad situation to be in."

My first thought, of course, was not for my own...

Well, it was for my own safety but it was,

"Don't tell Caroline."

"She'll go mental."

And then I think that's, you know, the great thing about

buying a British car. I didn't go and sue them like an American would have.

"You put my life in danger." None of that nonsense.

I said, "Could you sell me another one?"

How much time do you spend on the road?

A lot. I mean not quite as much as I used to, but, I mean, I used to spend...

I used to do the clubs, basically.

And then you're basically like a rep.

You might as well be. You're up and down the motorways, the M1, the M6, and whatever,

going to different clubs around the place and driving around.

So I used to do about 30,000 miles a year.

-That is a lot. -It is.

My only peeve on driving is, I drive an awful lot very, very late at night.

Because I go and I'm on stage at 9:00 or whatever

And I'm coming back and it's often 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning.

And the speed limits are the same.

I can't understand that. Why is it 70 miles an hour speed limit

at 3:00 in the morning? There's no one else around.

You could just... Why not make it an Autobahn at night?

There are people like you on it, that's why.

I'd be fine. I think if there's children playing on the motorway

at 3:00 in the morning,

my driving is sort of the least of their worries.

Is this something that would meet with popular approval here?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah. -Would you like to see...

How fast do we think, in the middle of the night?

-A hundred and twenty? -I think Autobahn. You do what you want.

A hundred and twenty minimum, I would suggest. Yeah.

A minimum speed limit, that's what we need.

Yeah, a minimum of 120,

with police marksmen on the bridges picking off those who can't make it.

Yes, it's part of your dream of a "police state."

You in your Rover.

Yes, a police state but working for us rather than against us.

Because the other thing, as well, that I find these days,

is we talk a fair bit on this programme about there being too many signposts.

-But... -On... On cars?

-No, there's none on cars. -Right, good.

See, now, at the side of the road telling you how to walk to the library.

But the amount of towns that don't signpost are the towns from them.

-Drives you mental. -You know you're lost around Great Britain when it says

"Town centre," and you go, "What town?"

-That's not helping. -It isn't.

My favourite sign of all time is "Falling rocks."

You know, the red triangle, "Falling rocks"?

What am I meant to do with that information?

They may as well just have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead."

"Life's a lottery, be lucky."

Um, okay, fine.

The time has come to see how you got on in our reasonably-priced car.

How was it out there?

It was surprisingly fun. I didn't think I was gonna take it seriously.

And then I got out there and I thought, "This is brilliant."

-It's amazing. -'Cause, the Stig...

The Stig did say that he's never met anyone who, I think he put it,

"dicks about" as much as you.

-We had a laugh. -Yeah, he...

I mean, it was fun. We spun out a couple of times. It was kind of fun. And it was good.

-Anyone want to see one of those spins? -AUDIENCE: Yes.

Let's see, because I think we may have just captured one here.

Let's have a look at this.

-Oh, second to last corner, as is usual and... -CARR: Here we go.

Perfect. Perfect racing line. Yeah.

There you go. Whoa! Yeah, there you go!

-That was my fastest time. -I'm really, really sorry, Jeremy.

I'm so sorry, but can I have a go in the Aston Martin, please?

-No. -Please?

Thing about that, Jeremy...

The thing about that is my little face in a crash helmet.

It looks like a fat kid that's been shut in a lift.

Well, what I loved was the camera crews. They're all on the radios going,

"Would it be all right if we stood a bit further back than usual?"

Because there was this sense of dicking about at enormous speed.

It sounds like you're quite brave behind the wheel of a car.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, you could have rolled it over.

-What now? -No, no, you could have done in that shot there.

There's a moment when it just hops. Michael Gambon had a similar problem.

Now you would want to get Health & Safety on that, mate.

You don't want to let me out there in one of those again.

Who'd like to see Jimmy's lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Okay, let's play it.

Did the clutch survive that?

Who cares?

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre. Lovely.

CLARKSON: Let's have a look.

CARR: What's the matter with that? That's fine.

CLARKSON: No, you're right. I can find nothing wrong with that first corner.

Let me tell you, when they're not your tyres, it's much easier to do.

CLARKSON: Oh, now this is... That's...

That's a whole new approach, that.

We are actually going to die.

CLARKSON: Did you brake?

CARR: I didn't brake much, no.

That squeaky noise, that's the braking.

That's the tyres being torn from the rims.

This is aggressive, I can see what the guys were on about out there.

I don't think it's aggressive. It's playful.

CLARKSON: Did you lift off going through there at all?

CARR: I don't think I... No, I didn't lift off for a second.

CLARKSON: Here we go, into the second to last corner

which is where things went wrong here.

A little bit on the grass and up to the last corner, yes, just about there.

And there he is.

Thanks very much.

I got the time.

I've just been told.

How embarrassing is it?

-What do you think? Anywhere... -Is it... Is it...

Well, I'm hoping to not be at the bottom.

CLARKSON: Well, no, that's impossible.

The car was moving. We could see that.

Yeah, I did go the right way round.

You went the right way round. You didn't do

what Jonathan Ross did and get lost.

Well, Jonathan's way down. It would be good to beat him.

Jonathan Ross? Oh, yeah, you've beaten him.

It'd be nice to beat Steve Coogan.

Coogan was in the wet, so don't worry you beat him.

-Bill Bailey, he's a funny bloke. I liked him. -He is funny.

You beat him, was in the wet there as well.

You had a dry track. So you can forget these ones down at the bottom.

Is that Kielty? Did Kielty do that well?

CLARKSON: Kielty?

Oh, up at 1.48. He did do that well.

I'm not sure I'm, you know...

Happy in mid-table, I would have thought.

Happy in mid-table.

Well, you did it, actually, in 1.46.9.

Jimmy Carr, you're the fastest man to ever go round the Top Gear test track!

Unbelievable!

-Is that a wind-up? -It's not a wind-up.

Are you joking? Are you joking?

Hand on heart.

-Hand on heart. -Where's Jeremy Beadle?

That's... It... It can't be.

Hand on heart, that, despite the look of it,

was the fastest time ever.

You've taken Cowell off the top.

Well, Jeremy, thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Carr!

Let's talk about smarts.

Now, for the last few years, they've been making kind of cheap,

plastic city run-arounds,

like this City Coupe and this Roadster.

But now they've gone all mainstream,

which, for some reason, prompted James and Richard

to throw darts at a German's face.

HAMMOND: This is Hartmut Sinkwitz.

And this is the new car he's designed.

The Smart Forfour.

Now he's done a nice job.

We've no arguments with its looks.

What ticks us off is the brochure.

It says here that the interior has been designed

around the concept of a lounge.

Not four seats and a wheel, oh, that's not good enough. A lounge.

You see, these seats can fold flat,

so you can slob out,

and this central arm rest can do stuff.

See, a lounge!

So, Top gear decided that the only way to test out this claim

was for us to spend 24 hours in the car.

That's 24 hours imprisoned in the car. We can't get out.

Thank you, Herr Sinkwitz. Thank you so much.

So that's it. This is our home until 9:00 tomorrow morning.

MAY: Now the two previous Smarts, the City Coupe and the Roadster,

are kind of out there on their own, with no real rivals.

But this Forfour is more of a conventional super-mini

with lots of competition.

So, it can't just be a bit wacky and a bit funky,

it's got to be good.

The other reason it has to be good is the price.

This version may come with a 1.5 litre engine,

air-con, alloys and a CD player,

but it's 12,500 pounds.

And those fancy lounge seats cost even more.

Now, think about it. A top spec Micra or Jazz is about 11,000.

This is a lot.

It's what my mother would call "a bit dear."

HAMMOND : After two hours meandering around Kent,

we decided to kill a couple more

by testing the Forfour on the motorway.

This car does naught to 60 in 9.8 seconds

and a top speed of 118 miles an hour.

Sadly though, it does make a meal of it.

MAY: It is a bit noisy.

It's a bit choppy.

It's a hard ride. It's quite bumpy.

And in a long motorway journey,

-you're gonna know you've done a long motorway journey. -Yeah.

HAMMOND: And the monotony of the motorway

reminded us that we still had 20 hours to go.

-I'm really bored already.

Do you know what? I'm trying not to look at too many things.

I'm sort of rationing myself.

Like, there's a sticker above my head about the air bag.

And I don't want to read it. I'm saving it.

MAY: By now, it was lunch time and we were peckish,

but we weren't allowed to get out of the car.

So we were relying on the Forfour's head turning looks to help us get fed.

Excuse me. Excuse me, madam.

Um, I was gonna ask you if you could buy me a Cornish pasty.

-There's lots of money, bring us the change. -Do you mind...

We've just made that poor woman join the back of a huge queue.

Thank you very much and you brought the change.

You're really kind. Thank you.

I want a drink.

MAY: Could you get us a cup of tea?

Hello! Oh, you're really, really kind.

-If you went there... -Yep.

...could you get us a copy of The Telegraph?

-Not bad cup of tea, that. -It's all right.

HAMMOND: So by early afternoon, we'd learned that

the Forfour is expensive and tiring on motorways.

But on the plus side, its looks could charm the birds from the trees.

Now it was time to test the handling,

and where better than sneaking a few cheeky laps around an empty go-kart track?

MAY: That was terrible bit of driving.

It wasn't. I used the kerbs, that's what you do.

In truth, we had no idea how the car would perform.

Because whilst the Smart Roadster is one of the best handling cars around,

the tiny Smart City car is one of the worst.

But as it turns out, the Forfour is actually rather good.

-What do you reckon from that... From that side of the wheels.

From this side, it just feels like I'm being driven around by an amateur.

It's good, isn't it? It feels quite perky.

HAMMOND: It's not bad, is it?

It's got real gears which must make a difference, actually.

HAMMOND: Yeah. This is the first smart car ever to have a proper gearbox, isn't it?

MAY: After that spirited drive, it was time for a tea break at the seaside,

where we could check out some of the car's comfort features.

MAY: You know, we've been sitting here, I've drunk my tea now.

We've been holding these cups and I've just remembered that this arm rest...

-It actually... -Yeah, it rotates.

Yes, it does and it's got...

- A cup holder.

HAMMOND: I think that's quite clever. I mean it's not brilliant.

MAY: I think it's another example of cup holder one-upmanship.

This is all right, though, this panoramic roof job.

Yeah, actually, it illuminates the crossword like no other car.

-Mate. -Yeah?

I'm gonna have to go.

I am, I'm sorry.

It's not so bad, though, because I brought these.

What is that?

Wee bags.

It's for... You have a pee in it.

Oh, my God, that's hideous.

No, you... So you wee in that end,

and then it's full of special crystals that turn into a gel,

and they absorb your pee.

-I'll get in the back. -Yeah, would you?

Can I have the radio on or something?

HAMMOND: It should be fine.

MAY: Oh, God!

MAY: It was time to head to our overnight spot, Pluckley,

the most haunted village in England.

If we could sleep in the Forfour here, we could sleep in it anywhere.

MAY: This little village has got 12 ghosts, apparently.

HAMMOND: Has it really?

MAY: The coach and horses, the colonel, the highwayman,

the miller, the monk, the schoolmaster, a screaming man.

HAMMOND: Wouldn't think there was room, would you?

Where are we anyway?

Ah. We are in The Screaming Woods.

Nice!

Hi! Hello, can I order some pizza, please?

Yes, to take away.

Sorry, do you deliver?

You do, good, okay.

It's, um...

Well, do you know The Screaming Woods?

Yes, opposite Fright Woods.

Um... That's where we are.

Okay? Um... Good luck.

-Cheers. Bye.

Don't take the Mickey.

Imagine...

He's gonna have to go past the highwayman,

-the brickworks where the other screaming bloke is... -Screaming man, yeah.

...and the schoolmaster, who was found hanging from the tree by his pupils.

-All sorts of stuff. -Ooh! Hanging by his pupils!

That's got to hurt.

-No, not hanging by his pupils. -Oh.

-He was found by his pupils... -By his pupils.

...hanging from the tree.

It could turn out to be a totally ghostly pizza.

"When they opened the box, there was nothing there!"

-It's the pizza. -It's the pizza.

-MAN: Hi, mate. -I suppose you're the headless pizza boy

of the apocalypse, are you?

Ooh, yes.

HAMMOND: See, look,

it's more like a lounge already.

MAY: Well, it's more like a lounge now that it's got a pizza in it.

-This works. And you got tables. -Yeah.

This back seat slides back and forth, so you pull the lever.

You move it back and forth and you can put your feet up on there.

But what I don't like is, why do they have to call it "lounge concept"?

-Why didn't they call it "folding seats"? -Folding seats.

HAMMOND: The interior of the Forfour is actually a nice place to be.

We'd been cooped up in it for 16 hours now,

and we hadn't murdered each other yet.

But maybe something else would take care of that job.

MAY: What's that?

HAMMOND: Foxes, mate.

MAY: You sure?

MAY: What's that? HAMMOND: Don't know, mate.

MAY: Something falling out of a tree, isn't it?

HAMMOND: With just a few hours to go,

would we make it through the night to deliver our verdict?

Or would Pluckley be gaining a couple more ghosts?

So, obviously, you weren't eaten by Nearly Headless Nick.

-No, no, no, we made it. -No. We nearly hadn't.

But I do have a question, which is,

did you really genuinely spend 24 hours in the car?

-Yes, we did. -Yes.

You never got out?

-No. No, we didn't. -No.

Hand on hearts?

-Yeah, absolutely. -Twenty-four hours.

So, you've extensively tested the car and the verdict is...

-Would you buy one? -BOTH: No.

It's too expensive for what it is.

'Cause basically, underneath, it's just a Mitsubishi colt, isn't it?

It is, and actually, the Colt, you get more for your money,

it's slightly roomier and it's less overall.

It's about 1,000 quid cheaper.

-Really? -Yeah.

-So, would you buy the Colt? -BOTH: No.

Okay, well, this leads us on to an idea we've had.

It's the Top Gear Down to Earth Board.

You see, the problem is, is we get a lot of criticisms,

uh, from viewers who say that we spend far too much time

talking about Zondas and Ferraris and Aston Martins,

and not enough time giving advice,

uh, you know, sensible buying advice to, uh,

to people in cardigans.

So, what we've got here are all the small cars.

There's the little smart. There's the Mitsubishi Colt, on which it's based.

And now we've driven all of these

and we think that, if you're gonna buy such a thing,

go for either the Honda Jazz

or the Toyota Yaris.

Those are the two, okay?

Right. Now, Aston Martin...

When I drove the DB9 earlier this year,

I remember thinking, "Why would anyone buy the Vanquish?"

I mean, they're the same size, they look pretty much the same,

they have the same engines, same power, same top speed.

And yet the Vanquish is 60,000 pounds more expensive.

It just seemed potty.

But now, Aston Martin have said

that this has been made a lot, lot better.

CLARKSON: This is the result, the Vanquish S.

The idea is that you buy a DB9 if you want to lope across Europe.

And then one of these if you want a bare-knuckle, pedal-to-the-metal thrash,

on a Sunday morning.

-Ooh! Hey, hey, hey!

So how then have they created this new sportiness?

It looks the same as the old car from the outside

and the interior is pretty similar as well.

So, you're all probably expecting

the engine to be some kind of nitroglycerine fuelled rocket.

Let's have a look.

Nope.

They've fiddled with it a bit

but, in essence, it's the same six-litre V12 you get in the DB9.

Sounds pretty much the same as before

and at 174,000 pounds, it also costs pretty much the same as well.

So at this point, you're probably wondering

"Have they actually done anything significant at all?"

Well, they've lowered the ride height,

stiffened the suspension and quickened up the steering.

But the simple answer is, no.

However, if you really concentrate,

you can tell that all those little changes add up

to make a big difference.

I mean, watch this.

It's a bit like looking at yourself in the mirror

after you've been on a heavy diet.

You think, "It's still me,

"but a kind of leaner, fitter version of me."

They may have only fiddled with the engine,

but the result is 520 brake horse power.

That's 60 more than before.

Flat out, you'll be doing more than 200 miles an hour.

And it stops better too,

because it now has brakes

which aren't made from old biscuit barrels.

But what about the stupid flappy paddle gearbox?

Well, they say they've corrected it with the Vanquish S,

so let's find out.

Let's just stop,

put it into first.

Now, if I'd put my foot down in the old car,

I'd just get a lot of smoke from the clutch.

Let's just try this.

Yeah, that's okay.

Up changes are still ludicrously jerky, though.

And...

It's still one change down

when I want it to...

Come on, I want second! Now, now, now!

I paid for the car!

I want to choose when to change gear, not you!

I know best.

I have to say though,

that, apart from the gearbox,

this is way better than it was before.

It feels faster, tauter and harder.

So there is no doubt that they have moved it away from the DB9.

Unfortunately, however, that means

they've moved it right into the firing line

of one of the biggest names in the business.

What we have here is a Ferrari 575.

Like the Aston, it's a big two-seater,

no compromise sports coupe

with a V12 engine at the front,

a flappy paddle gearbox in the middle,

and rear wheel drive at the back.

And like the Aston, it has recently been given a thorough going-over,

to make it a bit more of a brute.

When the 575 first came out,

it was a soft, quiet, rather wallowy old hector.

Now, they've fixed that quite quickly

and now they've fixed the fix

with what they're calling the "GTC Handling Pack."

For an extra 16,000 pounds, you get thicker anti-roll bars,

stiffer suspension, fatter tyres and ceramic brakes.

You also get a new exhaust, so it sounds like a Ferrari should.

I have to say, the changes have really sharpened this thing up.

This has got a much, much better gearbox

than the one in the Aston.

Still flappy paddles, but less jerky on the way up,

and faster on the way down.

Better still, if you're a serious driver,

you can have a proper manual with a clutch pedal.

This is really designed for, you know, posers.

People who have got carpet warehouses in Huddersfield.

Just want to show off to the mayors at golf club.

"Hey, I've got one of them gearboxes like Michael Schumacher!"

So, what do we reckon?

On paper, these two cars are incredibly similar.

They both cost about the same,

they both produce more than 500 brake horsepower,

and they'll both crack 200 miles an hour.

To decide which is best, we need to do some back-to-back tests

and that means I need another driver for the other car.

There's only one man for the job, Rowan Atkinson.

Sadly, Rowan was busy, so I called an old mate of mine.

He's a big petrol head,

Steve Coogan.

The first test we have is a simple drag race.

Yes.

Well, I've got five more brake horsepower than Coogan in the Ferrari,

but I'm carrying an extra 100 kilograms

and it's the weight that's costing me this race.

Next, we did a braking test

and, once again, the Ferrari was the winner.

But the big deciding factor is how these cars make you feel.

I can't multitask!

I can drive or talk, I can't do both.

Fu...

Oh, hey, hey, hey!

There was no doubt that the Aston made the better noise,

but what about everything else?

Well, to decide, we pulled over for a little chat.

In terms of, like, drivability, this is just,

uh, it just gives you loads of information

when you're driving, through your fingertips,

you can feel back end going.

-I mean, this is brilliant. -Oh!

It's just that's super-brilliant.

I wouldn't feel upset if someone gave me that.

No, I wouldn't feel upset if I'd bought one.

I'd think I've got a really good car, but...

I would after about 12 months

when I looked at the depreciation.

But if I didn't have to worry about that,

if my first name was Sheikh,

then I would probably go for that.

I just thought that that was tauter

and more muscular,

and it is a little bit faster and it does stop a lot better.

The gearbox is better and I just thought

it was the better car. However...

However, I'm bored with Ferrari.

Well, I just... I don't... Styling-wise, I mean, there's no contest.

That's a much more attractive car.

Oh, it's a nicer place to sit.

Nicer place to sit.

I was thinking, really, if you are going to buy a really expensive car,

-how would you feel sitting in a traffic jam in the car? -Mmm.

I once did own a red Ferrari,

it was like... It was the Magnum one.

Did you have a...

Did I have a moustache? I had a stick on one

I just took out of the glove box

and stuck on when I went driving.

And I got stuck in a traffic jam in Camden.

And I remember people walking past going,

"Ha, there's Steve Coogan in his Ferrari."

I was going, "Hi. Yeah, yeah, I've got one of these, yeah."

So what we're saying then is that for a thrashing round on a test track,

the Ferrari's the better car.

Yeah. Definitely, yeah.

But we think it's a bit flash and a bit boring now.

Yeah. And also, mainly it's the styling's...

You know, the last nice Ferrari, the 355 is nice,

But all those Daytonas and Dinos had real style

and there's something just a bit...

I don't think these will age well.

Given the choice, I'd have one of those.

Yeah. So, um, shall we arm-wrestle for it?

CLARKSON: We both agreed the Ferrari was the better car,

but because of that, we both agreed we'd rather have the underdog.

The Menardi, the Tim Henman, the Bolton Wanderer.

The Aston Martin Vanquish is not quite good enough to win this test,

but precisely because of that,

it does win your heart.

So you both agreed you'd have the Vanquish.

Do you know what?

I would actually save the 60,000 pounds and have the DB9, still.

-Really? -I really would. The problem with this is its gearbox.

-It's just... -Still that bad?

Oh, no, bad... Robert Mugabe is bad.

This is just in a way different league of badness.

-That's very bad. -It's appalling. Now, I mean,

the thing is, after I finished with it, gave it to the Stig,

halfway around the lap, it stopped selecting third.

Went back to the factory, got fixed, came down,

he set off again, it stopped selecting all gears.

Back to the factory again.

So did it ever actually manage a complete lap?

Yeah. Finally, three weeks after it first set off,

it finally managed to do a lap.

And we've got it for you now.

Oh, slow off the line, obviously trying to keep the gearbox

in one piece before he gets to the first corner,

which he is approaching now.

That's quite tidy through there.

Yeah, that's not bad.

Right, and into Chicago here.

Oops, bit of a lurch going on there.

A bit of over steer on the way out.

Still, the gearbox has worked all the way down to Hammerhead.

So, that's not bad!

He's going round... He's got an awful lot of under steer there.

My God!

Of course, it is quite a heavy car, you have to remember that.

Into the Follow Through. He's going to have to slow down a wee bit for this.

That's very... It may be heavy but it's very fast!

-Listen to that noise.

Whoa!

It is one of the greatest noises in the world that that thing makes.

Here he is, second-to-last corner,

kissing the apex perfectly.

And round the last corner and across the line.

-And the time is 1.27.1.

Which goes... Um, well...

HAMMOND: How does it compare to the old one though?

-Well, that was 1.36.2. -Ooh, it's down there, look.

-That was wet. -It was the wettest day we've ever had here.

So, you can't really do anything about that.

I'll tell you what you might be interested in hearing, though.

We timed a DB9 round here.

Do you know what time it did?

Vanquish S, 1.27.1.

DB9, 1.27.1.

Oh, really? Sixty thousand pound difference, same time.

Exactly the same speed. And it's this gearbox.

'Cause it wouldn't give the Stig the gear he wanted.

It was driving him nuts. He kept saying, "But you changed it! Argh!"

Aston, please stop it!

Just stop it! Offer a proper gearbox for proper drivers, you know?

'Cause it's such a great car and they ruin it.

They ruin it with that stupid gearbox.

Anyway, while they're changing that,

let's see how the Ferrari got on.

Moving off the line, he's leaving a huge fat number 11,

because, of course, the gearbox in that can take the power.

Through the first corner... Look how flat that's cornering.

It looks just so much more nimble than the Aston.

There he is, round Chicago.

You see, that's looking better controlled than the Aston as well.

Right, Hammerhead. Here he is.

See, none of that under steer that we got from the Aston Martin.

He just held the line.

Little bit of power over steer on the way out.

Heading down now to the follow through.

Good, he'll have to lift... He has to lift through the tyre wall.

Of course, the paddle gearbox is better in this than it is in the Aston,

but that is like saying rabies is better than botulism,

as he comes round the last corner and across the line.

And the time is 1.26.8.

-So... -So, it is quicker.

CLARKSON: It's actually only 0.3 of a second faster than the Vanquish.

Only 0.3 of a second faster than the DB9.

I was expecting more than that, I must be honest.

Nevertheless, Ferrari has won a race!

Good Lord!

Isn't that amazing!

In fact, on that bombshell, we have to end.

See you again next week. Goodnight!