All language subtitles for The.Drew.Carey.Show.S06E21.Whats.Wrong.With.This.Episode.IV.(Without.Corrections)-ing

Hey, I'm Drew Carey.
Welcome to the annual
April Fools Show

where we put a lot of mistakes
in the episode. Right, Lewis?

[Lewis] Oh, yeah.
Well over 50 of 'em.

Like this one. I'm talking,
but you're seeing Kate.

And whoever can find the most
mistakes on our official list

can win $200,000 and a trip
to LA, to bowl with Drew.

[Kate] And there's
lots more prizes

that everyone else
has a chance to win.

You can find all the rules
at ABC.com

You can enter through ABC.com
or send your list to an address

we'll be giving you
later on in the show.

So keep your eyes
open for mistakes

because the game
is starting right now.

Okay. I just have a couple
of standard questions

to ask you before I hire you.

Who's the greatest brother
in the world?

Drew is, for giving me
my wife's job

while she's on maternity leave.

Great. Now we know
the background story
for the whole episode.

I want you to sign it
right here.

And we'll get on
with this show.

Uh, let me show you over
to Mimi's desk.

This side is considered sacred.

Lot of people think
ugly was invented here.

Hey, my favorite person
in the whole world.

Hey, what are you doin' here?

You're not checkin' up on me,
are ya?

No. I just forgot few surprises

that I didn't
warn you about in my desk.

Like, do not push this button.

-[dings]
-See?

[beeping]

You know, this is why
we can't afford a DVD player.

[gobbling]

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Got it.

Mr. Wick, you've got a message.

Oh, oh.
It was... Is it the clinic?

That's what I call my bank.
I... I have to find out

why I have a burning sensation
when I make a deposit.

Uh-uh-uh.

You make people pay
for messages?

Oh, it's just a nominal fee.
Except for emergencies.

You'll be surprised what people
with a sick kid
will pay for a message.

Well, I'm gonna go
back to my dressing room

and make long distance calls
on ABC's dime. Bye-bye.

I think I'm gonna like
working in an office.

I feel like Steve Tyler, more.

Oh, Mr. Wick!

-Hey, Drew.
-Look, who's next.

Lewis dragged us downtown
for a sci-fi convention.

He bid on a red
Star Trekshirt.

-Oh, wow.
-Yeah. Somebody beat me to it.

I got distracted.

There was a girl
at the convention that weighed
under 200 pounds.

Oh, my God. There's the shirt.

Yes, it is. Mother and I
will be the talk
of the arcade tonight.

You know, Frank, that shirt
could be counterfeit.

There's only one way
to find out if it's authentic.

[squealing]

That's not it. But now it's
worthless. So, who cares.

You've ruined it.

[sniffles]

Permission to go home
and cry, Commander.

Make it so.

And the winner
of the Bastard of the Year
award goes to...

[imitates tearing envelope]

Lewis Kiniski.

I would just go with him.

You sit down. I wanna
talk to you for a second.

Listen, uh...

I know this is gonna
sound crazy but when
I was in my coma,

my heavenly guide told me that
you were gonna go to hell.

Hmm-mmm.

This heavenly guide,
was his name morphine?

Look. Even if I did
believe you,
I'm not going to hell.

I'm a good guy.
I work with animals.

You shoveled their dead
carcasses into a furnace.

I wish I had a shovel.
I have to use my bare hands.

It's kinda sad though.
All these rats.

Their faces covered with the
makeup we test on 'em.

It's like
they're goin' to a party.

A fiery, fiery party.

Wait a second.
DrugCo doesn't sell makeup.

Look, I'll not do
anything worse

than the average
guy does, all right?

So if you'll excuse me,

I have to accidentally
walk into the wrong bathroom.

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks
With he crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin
With a safety pin goin'♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[Drew]Ohio![echoes]

You guys really think
you have a chance
of getting Lewis into heaven?

You couldn't even get him
into Arby's last weekend.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Uh, sit down, Lewis. We got
somethin' we wanna show you.

Yeah, since you wouldn't
believe how bad you are,

to prove it to you,
we followed you around
with a video camera.

Oh, great.

Can't wait to see what
my ass looks like from behind.

[narrator]
Lewis Kiniski is hell bound!

[footsteps]

Uh, sorry.

Please don't get up.
I lost all feelin' in my hand

when I was wounded in the war.

Please. Sit back down.

The doctors at the VA hospital
say warmth is good for it.

Ugh!

You just broke my
purple heart, baby.

Has that ever worked?

Are you watchin'
the same video?
It worked right there.

Uh, see. I could have thrown
that gum on the ground.
But, no.

I'm a little more considerate
of other people than that.

Now, they're
the mashed potatoes

that four out of five
dentists recommend.

Hmm.

Hey, how'd you
get me at DrugCo?

All right, remember when I
delivered a package to the lab?

It was in there.

Hey, Lewis.

Chad.

Hey, look.

You're not still mad about me
takin' that last line

of Jell-O cube
in the cafeteria, are ya?

No problem, man.
It's just Jell-O.

[beeping]

Jell-O with bananas.

You exposed that guy
to radiation.
He could have died.

[scoffs] Oh,
so you're tellin' me
you buy into that whole

radiation is bad for you,
mumbo-jumbo?

Well, how 'bout what you did
the other night

when we were
babysittin' King Gus.

Hey, uh, I'm gonna get us
couple of beers.

-Why don't you keep an eye
on the baby.
-Okay.

Hello. What are you suckin'
on there, little guy, huh?

Well, hello.

[baby crying]

Cry all you want.
It's mine now.

[chimpanzee screeching]

Hey, that baby
had it comin', all right.

Earlier in the day, he...

[sighs] What am I sayin'?

I am a monster.
I'm goin' to hell.

Duh!

You know what?

I'm gonna start changin'
my life around right now

and nobody
better get in my way.

I'll get to heaven if I have to
ride there on a river of blood.

Oh, don't you hear that?

An angel just got its wings.

[Steve]
Beautiful day. Isn't it?

Here's your dry cleaning,
Mr. Wick.

[Wick] What? I only gave it
to you two days ago.

Mimi says it takes a month
because I'm English,

and by law, my dry cleaning
must be sent to England.

[Drew] That's right. You put
the pants out of the fire
in World War II,

we're not gonna clean 'em.

[Mimi] Hi, honey. So has
the place been the same
without me?

[kissing]

[Wick] Well, how do I say this
without hurting your feelings?

I want you to die
so that I can keep Steve.

[Mimi] What the hell
have you done, pig?
You've turned Wick against me.

[Drew] Why are you
takin' it out on me?

I just gave your husband a job,
so he could pay for the food

to put in your baby's mouth

and keep a roof over your
ungrateful head.

[Mimi] You sneaky bastard.

[both grunting]

[Steve] Mimi, Drew, stop it.

My fun graph is too red.

I'm gonna go home
and play the piano.

[Drew] Mimi,
I don't have time for this.
Go bother Mr. Wick.

Tag-tag.

What're you guys doin' here?

[Oswald]
We drove over with Lewis.

He wants to apologize to
everyone he's been mean to.

[Lewis] Hello, everyone.
I've come to confess my sins.

Now if you all cooperate,
I think we can
get outta here by 5:00.

I want crimes of the flesh
over here.

Ugly people I've made
fun of over here.

-Kiniski.
-Frank.

[Lewis] I wanna apologize
for my behavior.

So I bought you this
new shirt.

[Frank] Oh! Thank you.

By the way, I'm having
a party this Saturday

at the Babylon Two Station.
That's my house.

Kate, you wanna come?

[Kate] Oh, I'd love to
but I have to...

Please don't make me
think of something.

[Drew] Phew. That was close.

[players grunting]

Hey, Lewis.
Glad you apologized to Frank

and bought him a new
Star Trekshirt.

Now he has three friends.

And I'm not
just stoppin' there.
I'm goin' on a fast.

Lewis, uh, I wouldn't worry
about that stuff.

I mean, it's great you're
tryin' to get to heaven and all

but you don't have
to be skinny.
I mean, nobody's perfect.

I mean look at us.
We all drink a little.

A little? Hell, we are drunks.

How 'bout Kate?

Sure she sleeps around
but does she hurt anybody?

Not unless you ask her to.
[laughs]

And least I'm not Oswald.

He drinks so much, he doesn't
have a blood alcohol level,

he has an alcohol blood level.

And what about Drew?

There's only
two man-made things
you could see from space.

The Great Wall of China
and Drew's porn collection.

Hey, Drew. For some reason
my pig won't mate.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

I don't know.
I guess he doesn't
find me attractive.

[laughs]

Oh, my God.
You know what this means?

I'm goin' to heaven.

But you guys are goin' to hell!

No. You don't understand, see.

You don't have to be perfect
to get into heaven.

God wants you to get in.

He's like one of those
hippie teachers.

All you gotta do is
show up and try.

No. No.

I am gonna make it my personal
mission to save you all.

Now, let's start off
with a prayer.

Everybody get down
on their knees.

Uh, except you, Kate.

You seem to get in trouble
in that position.

This week,The Drew Carey Show
salutes my hometown

of Cumbernauld, Scotland.
Population, 48,800.

[all] Salute.

Good evening, Kate.

Lewis, what are you doing here?

Oh, I was just
in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd drop by and say hi.

Hey, while I'm here,
why don't I just, uh,
save your soul?

Oh, who's your friend?

Or do you even know
this one's name?

Lewis, could you please leave?

It's our first date.
It's kind of a special night.

Kate, who is this guy?

Uh, he's nobody.

[scoffs] Nobody? I'm only
God's voice on this earth.

Oh, come on.

I am so sorry about that.

So, tell me more
about your career.

It must be exciting to feel
the wind in your hair

as you stand on the side
of the garbage truck.

[telephone ringing]

-You know what? I'm gonna
let the machine pick it up.
-[answering machine beeps]

[Kate]Hi, this is Brenda.
Leave a message.

[beep]

[Lewis]Oh, you can't just
lock me out.

It's time to take the Kate
out of fornicate.

And if you're gonna lie into
the machine, don't worry...

[Lewis on loudspeaker]
I have other ways
to save your soul.

Please bless
and forgive this whore.

I'll chant it
from the mountain top.

Bless this whore.

Bless this whore.

Bless this whore.

Hey, the Independent
Film Channel has a 15 hour

Harvey Keitel's naked
butt marathon.

[music playing on TV]

-Where's myPiano?
-[flips channel]

Where's myBad Lieutenant?

Well, I took the liberty
of canceling all of our

cable channels,
except for the Family Channel,

Pax TV and The Bible Network.

I want the mean old Lewis back.

Hey, let's get some
leaf blowers
and go down to the park

and see if we can blow
the towels off the women
that are breast feeding.

Hey, you really wanna have fun?

-Sure.
-Let's rap about the Lord.

♪ Michael, row the boat ashore
Hallelujah ♪

♪ Michael, row the goat ashore
Hallelujah ♪

Yeah, well, Michael can row
right up to my ass and kiss it.

Hey, what happened
to all the beer?

♪ I replaced the beer with milk
Hallelujah ♪

-Hi, Pig.
-Hey, Drew.

I just came to tell you that
you won't be

seein' me
around the office anymore.

Steve's gonna keep
doin' my old job.

I'm gonna
be a stay-at-home mom.

This'd be a good chance for me
to spend more time
with my baby.

I'll be his best friend.

Uh, didn't hurt Norman Bates.

Yeah. I'll buy a minivan
and pal around
with the other girls

in the neighborhood.

And we'll trade baby clothes.

I got the baby
some math flash cards
and some language tapes

and he'll be the most
perfect baby.

He better be or else
my whole life would have
been for nothin'!

[crying loudly]

I can't stand to see her
like this.

I'd quit. But...

I... she's got too much pride
for that. You gotta fire me.

I'm not gonna fire you.
You're doin' a great job.

Besides, with her gone,
there's no more night sweats.

I sleep great.
Look at my hands.
It's like a surgeon.

I put my dirty underwear
on your head,
spit in your mouth

when you were asleep, made you
drink aquarium water.

And you won't do
one bad thing to me?

Thank you very much,
Sally Selfish.

I'll take the spare bedroom.
You take the couch.

What the hell's goin' on?

We're movin' in.
Lewis is makin'
our life a livin' hell.

He threw out everything
in our apartment

that has any alcohol in it.
Even the cookin' wine.

Now how am I gonna
marinate anything?

Well, he may go
a little overboard.

But it's better than him
goin' to hell.

Oh, so you don't mind
that Lewis has spread
your pornography

all over the front lawn?

[Drew] What are those kids
doin' out there?

Hey, Timmy. You drop
that magazine right now.

[children shouting]

Well, it was kinda cute
to see a fleet of red wagons

loaded down with pornography.

We're not gonna see kids
playing in the street
for years.

Hello, my children.

You threw out all my pornos,
you creep.

Those weren't just women.

They were... those were my
special naked friends.

If you wanna get into heaven,

you're going to have to make
some sacrifices, people.

Uh, it's all right, Drew.
You have the backup porn
in the garage.

Come on, Lewis. It's just
a little hardcore porn.
It'll never hurt anybody.

Get back whore,
sloth and pervert.

I'm doing God's work.

If he doesn't like it,
let him stop me.

[screaming]

All right. I'm sure
that was just a coincidence.

[screaming]

If it happens the third time,
it's not a coincidence.

[screaming]

Okay, damn it.

[screaming]

I said dang.

Quick. You gotta hide me
from God.

He's gone out of his mind.
He's really PO'd.

All right.

Okay, you win.

I'll smoke. I'll drink.
I'll masturbate.

If somebody helps me,
I'll do 'em all at once.

Mr. Wick.

Mr. Wick.

Yes, Steve. Can I help you?

[exhales]

Good lord.
You smell like a brewery.

That's right.
I'm drunk at work.

I guess you're gonna
have to fire me, huh?

Why? Good lord.
You're a secretary,
not a surgeon.

Okay. Okay.
Well, look at what I'm wearing.

[laughs]

You copycat. Look.

Fine.

Let's get back to work.

You got a... appointment
with the chairman of the board

to talk about his ideas
on your marketing proposal.

-What? He read it?
-Uh-huh.

You sent it? You're not meant
to send it. Mimi never sent it.

Well, maybe he
likes your proposal.

I wrote out "Mary Had
a Little Lamb" 70 times!

What'd you think
he's gonna make of it?

You're fired!

Ooh! Thank you.

I'm gonna go home.

Hey, I'm a drunk guy
wearin' a bra.

Wish me luck on the bus.

-Hey, Drew.
-Hey, Steve.

Lewis.

How you feelin'?

Great. I just got
struck by lightnin'.

And I've never felt better.

Uh, there's my watch.
And my old retainer.

Hey, we got you a present.

Lewis felt bad about all your
Playboysbeing destroyed.

So he wrote a letter
to Hugh Hefner.

And Mr. Hefner replaced
your entire collection.

He says with all the money that
you spent onPlayboy

over the years, no playmate
should ever have to suffer

the shame of a B-cup again.

Hey, pig.

Remember me? I'm back.

Well, at least I'll get
my minimum daily
requirement of ugly.

Kiss my bricks.

Is that her catchphrase?
'Cause I don't watch this show.

When he now becomes,
uh, the righteous one, uh,

who thinks he has to
stand outside

and point out
everybody else's sins

as if somehow, this was making
him acceptable and good.

He is absolutely convinced that
he now possesses the totality

of all that is true.

And he is going to be
convincing now

everyone else to follow
just that same way.

Yeah, but, uh, I don't know.
Lewis is a pretty major creep.

I don't know what kind of
redemption is possible for him.

-Well, seems--
-For a final analysis.

It seems to me,
he doubly sinned.

He not only was a jerk
to begin with,

and then became a
self-righteous jerk

and decided to go back
to his old ways.

-So, I just--
-He became a religious jerk.

-That's right.
-Yeah. Yeah.

So, so, I... you know,
I felt there needs...

still needs to be some
repentance I think.