Original subtitles

Hey, I'm Drew Carey. Welcome to the annual April Fools Show

where we put a lot of mistakes in the episode. Right, Lewis?

[Lewis] Oh, yeah. Well over 50 of 'em.

Like this one. I'm talking, but you're seeing Kate.

And whoever can find the most mistakes on our official list

can win $200,000 and a trip to LA, to bowl with Drew.

[Kate] And there's lots more prizes

that everyone else has a chance to win.

You can find all the rules at ABC.com

You can enter through ABC.com or send your list to an address

we'll be giving you later on in the show.

So keep your eyes open for mistakes

because the game is starting right now.

Okay. I just have a couple of standard questions

to ask you before I hire you.

Who's the greatest brother in the world?

Drew is, for giving me my wife's job

while she's on maternity leave.

Great. Now we know the background story for the whole episode.

I want you to sign it right here.

And we'll get on with this show.

Uh, let me show you over to Mimi's desk.

This side is considered sacred.

Lot of people think ugly was invented here.

Hey, my favorite person in the whole world.

Hey, what are you doin' here?

You're not checkin' up on me, are ya?

No. I just forgot few surprises

that I didn't warn you about in my desk.

Like, do not push this button.

-[dings] -See?

[beeping]

You know, this is why we can't afford a DVD player.

[gobbling]

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Got it.

Mr. Wick, you've got a message.

Oh, oh. It was... Is it the clinic?

That's what I call my bank. I... I have to find out

why I have a burning sensation when I make a deposit.

Uh-uh-uh.

You make people pay for messages?

Oh, it's just a nominal fee. Except for emergencies.

You'll be surprised what people with a sick kid will pay for a message.

Well, I'm gonna go back to my dressing room

and make long distance calls on ABC's dime. Bye-bye.

I think I'm gonna like working in an office.

I feel like Steve Tyler, more.

Oh, Mr. Wick!

-Hey, Drew. -Look, who's next.

Lewis dragged us downtown for a sci-fi convention.

He bid on a red Star Trekshirt.

-Oh, wow. -Yeah. Somebody beat me to it.

I got distracted.

There was a girl at the convention that weighed under 200 pounds.

Oh, my God. There's the shirt.

Yes, it is. Mother and I will be the talk of the arcade tonight.

You know, Frank, that shirt could be counterfeit.

There's only one way to find out if it's authentic.

[squealing]

That's not it. But now it's worthless. So, who cares.

You've ruined it.

[sniffles]

Permission to go home and cry, Commander.

Make it so.

And the winner of the Bastard of the Year award goes to...

[imitates tearing envelope]

Lewis Kiniski.

I would just go with him.

You sit down. I wanna talk to you for a second.

Listen, uh...

I know this is gonna sound crazy but when I was in my coma,

my heavenly guide told me that you were gonna go to hell.

Hmm-mmm.

This heavenly guide, was his name morphine?

Look. Even if I did believe you, I'm not going to hell.

I'm a good guy. I work with animals.

You shoveled their dead carcasses into a furnace.

I wish I had a shovel. I have to use my bare hands.

It's kinda sad though. All these rats.

Their faces covered with the makeup we test on 'em.

It's like they're goin' to a party.

A fiery, fiery party.

Wait a second. DrugCo doesn't sell makeup.

Look, I'll not do anything worse

than the average guy does, all right?

So if you'll excuse me,

I have to accidentally walk into the wrong bathroom.

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks With he crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin With a safety pin goin'♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[Drew]Ohio![echoes]

You guys really think you have a chance of getting Lewis into heaven?

You couldn't even get him into Arby's last weekend.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Uh, sit down, Lewis. We got somethin' we wanna show you.

Yeah, since you wouldn't believe how bad you are,

to prove it to you, we followed you around with a video camera.

Oh, great.

Can't wait to see what my ass looks like from behind.

[narrator] Lewis Kiniski is hell bound!

[footsteps]

Uh, sorry.

Please don't get up. I lost all feelin' in my hand

when I was wounded in the war.

Please. Sit back down.

The doctors at the VA hospital say warmth is good for it.

Ugh!

You just broke my purple heart, baby.

Has that ever worked?

Are you watchin' the same video? It worked right there.

Uh, see. I could have thrown that gum on the ground. But, no.

I'm a little more considerate of other people than that.

Now, they're the mashed potatoes

that four out of five dentists recommend.

Hmm.

Hey, how'd you get me at DrugCo?

All right, remember when I delivered a package to the lab?

It was in there.

Hey, Lewis.

Chad.

Hey, look.

You're not still mad about me takin' that last line

of Jell-O cube in the cafeteria, are ya?

No problem, man. It's just Jell-O.

[beeping]

Jell-O with bananas.

You exposed that guy to radiation. He could have died.

[scoffs] Oh, so you're tellin' me you buy into that whole

radiation is bad for you, mumbo-jumbo?

Well, how 'bout what you did the other night

when we were babysittin' King Gus.

Hey, uh, I'm gonna get us couple of beers.

-Why don't you keep an eye on the baby. -Okay.

Hello. What are you suckin' on there, little guy, huh?

Well, hello.

[baby crying]

Cry all you want. It's mine now.

[chimpanzee screeching]

Hey, that baby had it comin', all right.

Earlier in the day, he...

[sighs] What am I sayin'?

I am a monster. I'm goin' to hell.

Duh!

You know what?

I'm gonna start changin' my life around right now

and nobody better get in my way.

I'll get to heaven if I have to ride there on a river of blood.

Oh, don't you hear that?

An angel just got its wings.

[Steve] Beautiful day. Isn't it?

Here's your dry cleaning, Mr. Wick.

[Wick] What? I only gave it to you two days ago.

Mimi says it takes a month because I'm English,

and by law, my dry cleaning must be sent to England.

[Drew] That's right. You put the pants out of the fire in World War II,

we're not gonna clean 'em.

[Mimi] Hi, honey. So has the place been the same without me?

[kissing]

[Wick] Well, how do I say this without hurting your feelings?

I want you to die so that I can keep Steve.

[Mimi] What the hell have you done, pig? You've turned Wick against me.

[Drew] Why are you takin' it out on me?

I just gave your husband a job, so he could pay for the food

to put in your baby's mouth

and keep a roof over your ungrateful head.

[Mimi] You sneaky bastard.

[both grunting]

[Steve] Mimi, Drew, stop it.

My fun graph is too red.

I'm gonna go home and play the piano.

[Drew] Mimi, I don't have time for this. Go bother Mr. Wick.

Tag-tag.

What're you guys doin' here?

[Oswald] We drove over with Lewis.

He wants to apologize to everyone he's been mean to.

[Lewis] Hello, everyone. I've come to confess my sins.

Now if you all cooperate, I think we can get outta here by 5:00.

I want crimes of the flesh over here.

Ugly people I've made fun of over here.

-Kiniski. -Frank.

[Lewis] I wanna apologize for my behavior.

So I bought you this new shirt.

[Frank] Oh! Thank you.

By the way, I'm having a party this Saturday

at the Babylon Two Station. That's my house.

Kate, you wanna come?

[Kate] Oh, I'd love to but I have to...

Please don't make me think of something.

[Drew] Phew. That was close.

[players grunting]

Hey, Lewis. Glad you apologized to Frank

and bought him a new Star Trekshirt.

Now he has three friends.

And I'm not just stoppin' there. I'm goin' on a fast.

Lewis, uh, I wouldn't worry about that stuff.

I mean, it's great you're tryin' to get to heaven and all

but you don't have to be skinny. I mean, nobody's perfect.

I mean look at us. We all drink a little.

A little? Hell, we are drunks.

How 'bout Kate?

Sure she sleeps around but does she hurt anybody?

Not unless you ask her to. [laughs]

And least I'm not Oswald.

He drinks so much, he doesn't have a blood alcohol level,

he has an alcohol blood level.

And what about Drew?

There's only two man-made things you could see from space.

The Great Wall of China and Drew's porn collection.

Hey, Drew. For some reason my pig won't mate.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

I don't know. I guess he doesn't find me attractive.

[laughs]

Oh, my God. You know what this means?

I'm goin' to heaven.

But you guys are goin' to hell!

No. You don't understand, see.

You don't have to be perfect to get into heaven.

God wants you to get in.

He's like one of those hippie teachers.

All you gotta do is show up and try.

No. No.

I am gonna make it my personal mission to save you all.

Now, let's start off with a prayer.

Everybody get down on their knees.

Uh, except you, Kate.

You seem to get in trouble in that position.

This week,The Drew Carey Show salutes my hometown

of Cumbernauld, Scotland. Population, 48,800.

[all] Salute.

Good evening, Kate.

Lewis, what are you doing here?

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd drop by and say hi.

Hey, while I'm here, why don't I just, uh, save your soul?

Oh, who's your friend?

Or do you even know this one's name?

Lewis, could you please leave?

It's our first date. It's kind of a special night.

Kate, who is this guy?

Uh, he's nobody.

[scoffs] Nobody? I'm only God's voice on this earth.

Oh, come on.

I am so sorry about that.

So, tell me more about your career.

It must be exciting to feel the wind in your hair

as you stand on the side of the garbage truck.

[telephone ringing]

-You know what? I'm gonna let the machine pick it up. -[answering machine beeps]

[Kate]Hi, this is Brenda. Leave a message.

[beep]

[Lewis]Oh, you can't just lock me out.

It's time to take the Kate out of fornicate.

And if you're gonna lie into the machine, don't worry...

[Lewis on loudspeaker] I have other ways to save your soul.

Please bless and forgive this whore.

I'll chant it from the mountain top.

Bless this whore.

Bless this whore.

Bless this whore.

Hey, the Independent Film Channel has a 15 hour

Harvey Keitel's naked butt marathon.

[music playing on TV]

-Where's myPiano? -[flips channel]

Where's myBad Lieutenant?

Well, I took the liberty of canceling all of our

cable channels, except for the Family Channel,

Pax TV and The Bible Network.

I want the mean old Lewis back.

Hey, let's get some leaf blowers and go down to the park

and see if we can blow the towels off the women that are breast feeding.

Hey, you really wanna have fun?

-Sure. -Let's rap about the Lord.

♪ Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah ♪

♪ Michael, row the goat ashore Hallelujah ♪

Yeah, well, Michael can row right up to my ass and kiss it.

Hey, what happened to all the beer?

♪ I replaced the beer with milk Hallelujah ♪

-Hi, Pig. -Hey, Drew.

I just came to tell you that you won't be

seein' me around the office anymore.

Steve's gonna keep doin' my old job.

I'm gonna be a stay-at-home mom.

This'd be a good chance for me to spend more time with my baby.

I'll be his best friend.

Uh, didn't hurt Norman Bates.

Yeah. I'll buy a minivan and pal around with the other girls

in the neighborhood.

And we'll trade baby clothes.

I got the baby some math flash cards and some language tapes

and he'll be the most perfect baby.

He better be or else my whole life would have been for nothin'!

[crying loudly]

I can't stand to see her like this.

I'd quit. But...

I... she's got too much pride for that. You gotta fire me.

I'm not gonna fire you. You're doin' a great job.

Besides, with her gone, there's no more night sweats.

I sleep great. Look at my hands. It's like a surgeon.

I put my dirty underwear on your head, spit in your mouth

when you were asleep, made you drink aquarium water.

And you won't do one bad thing to me?

Thank you very much, Sally Selfish.

I'll take the spare bedroom. You take the couch.

What the hell's goin' on?

We're movin' in. Lewis is makin' our life a livin' hell.

He threw out everything in our apartment

that has any alcohol in it. Even the cookin' wine.

Now how am I gonna marinate anything?

Well, he may go a little overboard.

But it's better than him goin' to hell.

Oh, so you don't mind that Lewis has spread your pornography

all over the front lawn?

[Drew] What are those kids doin' out there?

Hey, Timmy. You drop that magazine right now.

[children shouting]

Well, it was kinda cute to see a fleet of red wagons

loaded down with pornography.

We're not gonna see kids playing in the street for years.

Hello, my children.

You threw out all my pornos, you creep.

Those weren't just women.

They were... those were my special naked friends.

If you wanna get into heaven,

you're going to have to make some sacrifices, people.

Uh, it's all right, Drew. You have the backup porn in the garage.

Come on, Lewis. It's just a little hardcore porn. It'll never hurt anybody.

Get back whore, sloth and pervert.

I'm doing God's work.

If he doesn't like it, let him stop me.

[screaming]

All right. I'm sure that was just a coincidence.

[screaming]

If it happens the third time, it's not a coincidence.

[screaming]

Okay, damn it.

[screaming]

I said dang.

Quick. You gotta hide me from God.

He's gone out of his mind. He's really PO'd.

All right.

Okay, you win.

I'll smoke. I'll drink. I'll masturbate.

If somebody helps me, I'll do 'em all at once.

Mr. Wick.

Mr. Wick.

Yes, Steve. Can I help you?

[exhales]

Good lord. You smell like a brewery.

That's right. I'm drunk at work.

I guess you're gonna have to fire me, huh?

Why? Good lord. You're a secretary, not a surgeon.

Okay. Okay. Well, look at what I'm wearing.

[laughs]

You copycat. Look.

Fine.

Let's get back to work.

You got a... appointment with the chairman of the board

to talk about his ideas on your marketing proposal.

-What? He read it? -Uh-huh.

You sent it? You're not meant to send it. Mimi never sent it.

Well, maybe he likes your proposal.

I wrote out "Mary Had a Little Lamb" 70 times!

What'd you think he's gonna make of it?

You're fired!

Ooh! Thank you.

I'm gonna go home.

Hey, I'm a drunk guy wearin' a bra.

Wish me luck on the bus.

-Hey, Drew. -Hey, Steve.

Lewis.

How you feelin'?

Great. I just got struck by lightnin'.

And I've never felt better.

Uh, there's my watch. And my old retainer.

Hey, we got you a present.

Lewis felt bad about all your Playboysbeing destroyed.

So he wrote a letter to Hugh Hefner.

And Mr. Hefner replaced your entire collection.

He says with all the money that you spent onPlayboy

over the years, no playmate should ever have to suffer

the shame of a B-cup again.

Hey, pig.

Remember me? I'm back.

Well, at least I'll get my minimum daily requirement of ugly.

Kiss my bricks.

Is that her catchphrase? 'Cause I don't watch this show.

When he now becomes, uh, the righteous one, uh,

who thinks he has to stand outside

and point out everybody else's sins

as if somehow, this was making him acceptable and good.

He is absolutely convinced that he now possesses the totality

of all that is true.

And he is going to be convincing now

everyone else to follow just that same way.

Yeah, but, uh, I don't know. Lewis is a pretty major creep.

I don't know what kind of redemption is possible for him.

-Well, seems-- -For a final analysis.

It seems to me, he doubly sinned.

He not only was a jerk to begin with,

and then became a self-righteous jerk

and decided to go back to his old ways.

-So, I just-- -He became a religious jerk.

-That's right. -Yeah. Yeah.

So, so, I... you know, I felt there needs...

still needs to be some repentance I think.