Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Oh, Victor, I'm so happy

you're gonna help us with the show.

It's my pleasure, roz.

But are you aware of my reputation?

I'm a perfectionist.

I work all hours with my cast,

especially the leading lady.

Is that so?

You can bet on it.

[ All warming up indistinctly ]

Come on, girls, come on, come on, come on, now.

Let's get the rehearsal started.

How can we start the rehearsal?

Mr. Moncrief is not here.

Well, he's been delayed for a few minutes.

He put me in charge.

Terrific -- the inmate's taking over the asylum.

Let's get going with the rehearsal.

Sylvia, would you like to go first?

Yes, I would!

Then go ahead.

Sylvia, where are you going?! The rehearsal is here!

You said would I like to go first,

and that exactly what I'm doing.

I am gonna go first to phone my husband!

Oh, the first day of rehearsal of "my fair lady"

was nothing like this.

Millie, would you like to sing first?

It's okay with me, but the pianist isn't here yet.

Oh, I'll play.

I didn't know you played the piano.

Oh, sure. It's just like tap dancing with your fingers.

Do you read music?

With my eyes closed!

Well, read this, and don't make it too fancy.

Well?

You told me to read -- I'm reading.

Just fake it -- right here.

Say, can we get this rehearsal started

sometime before the cruise ends?

All right, all right!

[ Plays introduction ]

Wait a minute.

You just give me the beat, and I'll do the rest.

Okay, sister, you got it.

[ Plays mid-tempo melody unevenly ]

Are you trying to sabotage my number?

Oh, honey, you could do that all by yourself.

I'm playing, I'm playing!

[ Off-key ] ♪ you were meant for me ♪

♪ I was -- ♪ wait just a minute!

I know what you're doing. I'm hip to your game.

What's the matter, dear -- forgotten the words?

♪ I was meant for you ♪

I'm gonna kill her!

No, no!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

♪ You were meant for me ♪

All right, girls, all right!

All right, girls, that's enough for today!

That's enough for today. I think you're all terrific.

Remember when I told you how much fun show business can be?

Yes, I remember.

Well, don't listen to me. I enjoyed world war ii.

♪ I was meant for you ♪

Oh, no, thanks, Isaac.

Well, if we're gonna have a show tomorrow,

i better put in some work on those new routines.

Mr. Moncrief, we really appreciate you helping us with the show.

It's great working with a professional.

A professional who never should have retired

in the first place.

Now, roz, I told you, I don't need the hassle.

I owe you for that tip again, Isaac.

Oh, that's all right, Mr. Moncrief.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Poor guy.

What do you mean, "poor guy"?

My uncle works for an auction company,

and he told me a couple of months ago

that Mr. Moncrief had to sell his house

and all his paintings and stuff because of taxes.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.

When was the last time

you heard the internal revenue cracking jokes?

My, my. I can't decide which is prettier --

you or that moonlight.

Lionel, when are you gonna stop bugging me

with this silly talk?

Oh, I'm a romantic devil.

You'll find out on our honeymoon.

Honeymoon?!

Lionel, when they were giving out brains,

you thought they said "trains," and you missed yours.

When will you get it through that thick skull of yours

that I do not --

i repeat, I do not -- want to marry you?!

No, wait, wait!

Aren't you being a little unreasonable?

What about Isaac?

What about him?

Oh, I've had my eyes on that young man

ever since I've been on the ship.

There's a lot of potential there.

And?

Well, naturally, after we're married,

I've have him to come to work for me.

Work for you?

In an executive capacity, of course.

Maybe I'd better have another look at that ring.

Hmm.

It is not a bad ring, Lionel --

not at all a bad ring.

Aunt Sylvia, what are you doing up so late?

I can't sleep.

I just remembered a television show I saw once

in which a man who looked just like your uncle Elliot

was mistaken for the head of a crime syndicate,

and the other gang kidnapped him.

[ Laughs ]

I'm going home and find him.

Aunt Sylvia, do you actually believe

that uncle Elliot was kidnapped by a gang of criminals?

Well, if he wasn't, then where is he?

I've called a hundred times.

Why don't you get some sleep? You'll feel better.

Maybe I'll feel better after I finish writing him this note.

Well, that's a good idea.

I just hope his kidnappers will let him read it.

Good night.

♪ I'm not a poet ♪

♪ how well I know it ♪

♪ I've never been a raver ♪

♪ but when I look at you ♪

♪ I rave a bit, it's true ♪

♪ I'm wild about you ♪

♪ can't live without you ♪

♪ you give my life its flavor ♪

♪ what sugar does for tea ♪

♪ that's what you do for m-e-e-e ♪

♪ you're the cream in my coffee ♪

♪ you're the salt in my stew ♪

♪ you will always be my necessity ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ you're the sail on my love boat ♪

♪ you're the captain and crew ♪

♪ you will always be my necessity ♪

♪ I'd be lost without yo-o-o-o-u ♪

Oh -- "p.S."

♪ You don't know how I've prayed ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, I'm afraid ♪

♪ something's gonna happen to you ♪

♪ listen, honey ♪

♪ forgive your worried brow ♪

♪ I would die if I should lose you now ♪

♪ button up your overcoat ♪

♪ when the wind is free ♪

♪ take good care of yourself ♪

♪ you belong to me ♪

♪ eat an apple every day ♪

♪ be in bed by three ♪

♪ take good care of yourself ♪

♪ you belong to me ♪

♪ be careful crossing streets ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ don't eat meat ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ cut out sweets ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ you'll get a pain and ruin your tum-tum ♪

♪ keep away from bootleg hooch ♪

♪ when you're on a spree ♪

♪ take good care of yourself ♪

♪ you belong to me ♪

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Take good care of yourself ♪

♪ save a share of yourself ♪

♪ take good care of yourself ♪

[ Deep voice ] ♪ you belong to m-e-e-e-e-e ♪

Come on, Adam, this fight between you and gopher

has gone on long enough.

Time you guys made up.

You're right. I've been acting like a fool.

Stop knocking yourself. You're a great actor.

Well -- hmm?

[ Laughs ]

You and doc have been friends for years.

Won't you just stop all this foolishness?

For me?

Well, I guess if you put it like that,

I don't see how I can say no.

And besides, you're basically right.

I guess somebody's got to be the first one to apologize.

Well, well, look who's here!

We were just looking for you, gopher, weren't we, doc?

Well, isn't that funny? We were on our way to see you.

Gopher has something to say.

Yeah, uh, well, doc, um... What we've been doing is silly,

and it takes a big man to apologize, so --

you're right, and that's exactly why

I'm going to be the first one to apologize --

wait a minute! I was talking about me.

I'm going to be the first one to apologize.

You can't, because I already said I'm sorry.

And if anybody's gonna be a big man around here, it's gonna be me.

No way! I won't even accept your apology

unless you accept my apology first!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I was thinking of apologizing before you were even sorry!

Well, I was sorry a lot longer than you!

I was sorry the day I met you!

You see? What did I tell you?

You can't even talk to him!

Well, at least we're making progress.

You call that progress?

Yeah -- first, they weren't even talking.

Now at least they're yelling.

♪ Let's get the show on right, let's get the show on right ♪

♪ let's get the show on right here ♪

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, come in.

The inventory report you wanted, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Something funny I should know about?

Just the inventory report, sir -- a lot of funny stuff,

like, um... A gross of lobster forks.

[ Chuckles ]

Why would a lobster want a fork?

[ Snaps fingers ]

Morning, mom.

Good morning, darling. How are you?

Fine. Listen, we have some nice hot rolls here, if you want some.

Oh, they do look good, don't they?

Yeah.

Uh, don't you notice anything different?

You didn't change your hair, did you?

No!

I didn't think so. You want some coffee?

I'll fix it.

Mom, how many?

3 1/2 carats.

Oh, an engagement ring!

Oh, yeah, that. I forgot I had it on.

Where'd you get that?

Well, Lionel proposed to me, and I accepted.

Congratulations!

Wait a minute.

Didn't you say that you thought he was an obnoxious pest?

Well, nobody's perfect, honey.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

Morning, captain.

Morning.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, no.

Well, I'll be brief.

I told you a little white lie the other day.

My check bouncing had nothing to do with a computer error.

The check was made of rubber all the way.

But, captain, I don't have to lie to you anymore,

because working with your crew on their show

has given me confidence again.

And I'm certain that when I get back,

I'll be able to cover my check somehow.

Mr. Moncrief, I'm very happy that you feel so well.

But you don't owe us a cent.

Captain, I just told you the check was no good.

I know.

But your ticket has been paid for

by one of the passengers.

One of the passengers?

Who paid for me, captain? I want to know.

Never mind. I think I know who it was.

Thank you, captain.

Hi.

Hi.

[ Sighs ] I just came from the captain's office.

Thanks for paying my ticket.

He wasn't supposed to tell you.

He didn't, but who else could it have been?

Roz, I'll pay you back, I promise.

I've got a couple of movie deals cooking -- big ones!

And maybe even a TV series.

Then there's this big Broadway producer --

oh, Victor, please! For once, just tell me the truth!

That's all I've ever wanted from you!

Trust me, roz -- I love you.

You haven't changed, Victor.

After all these years,

you're still handsome and charming and talented

and completely irresponsible!

Oh, roz --

I don't blame you, Victor. I haven't changed either.

I was still foolish enough to believe you again.

Well! If it isn't my son-to-be.

That's right.

I guess congratulations are in order, Mr. Bigelow.

Oh, none of that. Now, we're going to be family.

Call me "dad."

Okay, uh...Dad.

That's the stuff.

But remember -- call me "dad" around the house,

but when you come to work for me, call me "boss."

When I come to work for you?

Yeah. Didn't your mama tell you?

I promised to give you a job just as soon as we got married.

You did?!

Yes.

Now, we'll have a fine time, son --

a fine time.

Good morning, and welcome to acapulco.

Attention, please. Land tours will be leaving in 10 minutes

from the coral deck gangway.

We hope you enjoy your day.

[ Crying ]

Oh, cheer up, aunt Sylvia.

Cheer up?!

I still haven't heard a word from your uncle Elliot.

For all I know, he could be dead --

or worse than dead.

He could have run off with the upstairs maid!

I wonder why we've got an upstairs maid.

We only have a one-level house.

Mom...

Oh, hi, honey, how are you?

Fine, fine.

Did I ever tell you how lucky I feel to have you for a mom?

You sure did, every time you wanted a dime

for an ice-cream cone.

[ Laughs ]

Well, you know, you're always doing things for me.

You remember the time that you got a night job

to make the payments on the piano you bought for me?

Oh, Isaac, I used that piano more than you did.

Well, you know, there are a lot of things I remember,

like the time that I got sick and couldn't do my paper route,

so you got on my bike and delivered my papers for me.

You know, I really needed some exercise then.

Yeah, well, you were always taking care of me.

Well, it worked out just wonderfully,

'cause you're a fine man, honey.

Thank you, mom.

But, you know, I want you to stop thinking about me

and start thinking about you.

You know... I had a talk with Lionel,

and he offered me a job.

Well, honey, you have to understand about Lionel --

now, wait a minute, mom. Mom, let me do the talking, okay?

Because...well, if you're marrying Lionel

because you love him

and you want to spend the rest of your life with him,

I'm all for it.

But if you're marrying him to help me out, forget it.

I love my job here.

And there's only one thing that I love more.

That's you.

You are a fine man, honey.

♪ And even when I'm old and gray ♪

You'll never be old.

♪ I'm gonna feel the way I do today ♪

♪ 'cause ♪

♪ you make me feel so young ♪

I love you, baby.

I love you, mom.

Oh, honey.

Hi, girls!

Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Hey, Millie, you better get dressed. We're on soon.

I am dressed. This is what I'm wearing.

In the show or for Halloween?

Well, look who's talking. You look like an 8x10 glossy.

Well, at least my picture came out!

Well, find a hammer, and I'm gonna break your hair!

Oh, I think I need a little exercise.

I'll try jogging around you.

Try jogging around this.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Girls, stop fighting! Why can't you two get along?!

You don't hear us two fighting.

You never hear me saying anything

about that thing she's wearing --

my dear, what is that thing that you're wearing?

What do you mean "thing"? This is not a "thing."

Have you ever looked in a mirror?

You look like you lost a bet!

Well, I have quiet, conservative, ladylike taste.

You wouldn't understand that.

Taste?! Your taste is in your mouth!

Mouth?! Have you looked in the mirror?!

Yes, and I look fine!

Well, you must have been looking in my mirror!

[ All arguing indistinctly ]

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Let's not forget what we're here for.

We're not here to argue.

We're here because our loved ones are proud of us

and they want us to help them.

Yes, and we have to be real troupers

and do the very best we can for them.

That's right!

All for one, and one for all!

That's the way we do it on Broadway!

That's right -- I forget who told me

that you were really a big, big Broadway star.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, yeah, I remember who told me! You did.

I never did any such thing!

Oh, yes, you did -- every 10 minutes.

Never!

Incessantly.

Continuously.

Always.

Did you put those flowers in your hair,

or did they grow there?

You look like a potted plant.

Don't pick on me!

[ All arguing indistinctly ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the first edition of "the love boat follies."

Thank you.

Uh, we're having a few small technical difficulties backstage,

but if you'll just bear with us,

the show will begin in just a few moments.

Thank you.

Technical difficulties? I knew it.

[ All arguing indistinctly ]

Excuse me, has Victor shown up yet?

No. Maybe he's ill.

No, he's all right. He just won't open his door.

Why?!

Why?!

Why?! What's wrong?

Maybe we'll have to cut his number.

No!

No!

No!

No!

Wait, wait! Maybe I should go down and talk to him.

No, you have to go on. You're in the opening number.

Oh, right. You better get out there right now.

Come on, girls, let's go!

That's right, go on, ladies. Yes!

Have a good show!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪ I'm the grrrreatest star ♪

♪ I am by far ♪

♪ but no one knows it! ♪

Wait, they're going to hear a voice.

A silver flute.

Ha ha ha ha!

They'll cheer each toot.

♪ When I expose it ♪

♪ can't you see to look at me ♪

♪ that I'm a natural Camille? ♪

♪ As Camille, I just feel I've so much to offer ♪

♪ no, I'm the one who'll be divine ♪

♪ 'cause I'm a natural cougher ♪

[ Coughs lightly ]

♪ Some ain't got it, not a lump ♪

♪ I'm a great big clump of talent ♪

Laugh, honey, they're gonna bend in half.

Did you hear the one about the traveling salesman?

♪ A thousand laughs ♪

Stick around for the jokes.

♪ A thousand faces ♪

I reiterate --

♪ when you're gifted, then you're gifted ♪

♪ these are facts, I've got no ax to grind ♪

♪ hey, what are they, blind? ♪

♪ In all of the world so far, I'm the greatest star ♪

♪ who is the pip with pizzazz? ♪

♪ Who is all ginger and jazz? ♪

♪ Who is as glamorous as? ♪

♪ Who's an American beauty Rose ♪

♪ with an American beauty nose ♪

♪ and ten American beauty toes? ♪

♪ Eyes on the target, and wham! ♪

♪ One shot, one gunshot, and bam! ♪

♪ Hey, captain stubing ♪

♪ here I am ♪

♪ i'm, i'm, i'm, i'm, I'm the greatest star ♪

♪ I am by far ♪

♪ but no one knows it ♪

♪ who's the best yet? Have you guessed yet? ♪

♪ If you ain't, I'll tell you one more time ♪

♪ you bet your last dime ♪

♪ in all of the world so far ♪

♪ I'm the greatest, greatest sta-a-a-a-a-r ♪

Oh, you were wonderful!

Thank you!

Any word from Victor?

Not, not yet.

But you've been closest to him. What's wrong?

Oh, it's a long story.

I've got to go down to his cabin and talk to him.

He has to go on.

Well, Mrs. Smith, it's our cruise show.

It's probably not that important to him.

Oh, yes, it is.

This is the most important show that Victor will ever do.

Let's see -- gopher and doc.

You were magnificent!

Oh, thanks, doc. I'm glad you liked it.

What a number!

Oh, it was fun!

Come on. Gopher, doc, you guys are on.

I am not going on with you!

The reason you're not going on with me

is because I'm not going on with you.

Oh, come on. You two are acting like children!

You're right. We are acting like children.

But I'm acting like a sensible child.

He's acting like a spoiled, stupid child.

[ Introduction plays ]

Guys, that's your music!

All right. I will sing with you and I will dance with you.

But I will not talk with you!

All right, doc, go out there and break a leg!

I'll do better than that. I'll break both his legs!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ I don't care where I'm going ♪

♪ just as long as I'm with you ♪

♪ put it there, pal ♪

♪ put it there ♪

♪ I'll be just like your ex-wives ♪

♪ and I'll stick to you like glue ♪

♪ put it there, pal ♪

♪ put it there ♪

♪ since you became the purser ♪

♪ captain stubing lost his hair ♪

♪ each time you treat a passenger ♪

♪ the captain says a prayer ♪

♪ when you were jailed in Curaçao ♪

♪ I shoulda left you there ♪!

♪ You're faithful and you're fair ♪

♪ put it th-e-e-e-e-ere ♪

♪ you went and changed my stateroom ♪

♪ to a cabin in the hold ♪

♪ put it there, pal ♪

♪ put it there ♪

♪ you took out my appendix ♪

♪ when I only had a cold! ♪

♪ Put it there, pal ♪

♪ put it there ♪

♪ your face could make a fortune ♪

♪ just your nose should make a lot ♪

♪ I like the way you wear those gaudy-colored shirts you got ♪

Thanks.

♪ The only time a rainbow ever covered up a pot ♪

♪ we make a perfect pair ♪

♪ put it there ♪

My shipmate!

My crony!

My Bo's'n!

My gob!

Old shellback!

Old sea dog!

Old skipper!

Old slob!

♪ Like pacific and Atlantic ♪

♪ like iceberg and Titanic ♪

♪ don't put it in the paper ♪

♪ don't put it on the air ♪

♪ don't put it on the shelf ♪

♪ put it th-e-e-e-e-e-e-ere ♪

I got to change for my number. Wish me luck, dad.

You don't need luck. You've got everything.

[ Knock on door ]

Victor, I'm not leaving until you speak to me!

Open the door!

[ Sighs ] Well, well, a member of my adoring public.

Sorry, no autographs today.

Oh, please, Victor, I want to talk to you.

I know -- you've come to sober up the star

in time to save the show.

Ah, they don't make movies like that anymore...

For which we're all very grateful.

But they're waiting for you onstage!

Ah, come on, roz, haven't you heard?

I'm a has-been, a failure.

Well, what are you gonna do, just turn away and quit?

Haven't you got that backwards?

They quit me.

"Victor moncrief? I thought he was dead."

"Only in show business."

When are you going to stop feeling sorry for yourself?!

Probably never.

And why does that concern you?

Because you're the first man I ever really loved.

And in spite of everything... I probably always will.

Oh, roz.

Oh, Victor, forget the past. You can't change it.

But you can shape the future.

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ a dream about you, baby ♪

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ it's gonna come true ♪

♪ they think that we're through ♪

♪ but, baby ♪

♪ you'll...be...swell ♪

♪ you'll be great ♪

♪ gonna have the whole world on a plate ♪

♪ startin' here, startin' now ♪

♪ honey, everything's comin' up roses ♪

♪ clear the decks, clear the tracks ♪

♪ you got nothin' to do but relax ♪

♪ blow a kiss, take a bow ♪

♪ honey, everything's comin' up roses ♪

♪ now's your inning ♪

♪ stand the world on its ear ♪

♪ set it spinning ♪

♪ that'll be just the beginning ♪

♪ curtain up, light the lights ♪

♪ you've got nothin' to hit but the heights ♪

♪ you'll be swell, you'll be great ♪

♪ I can tell, just you wait ♪

♪ that lucky star I talk about is du-u-u-u-e ♪

♪ honey, everything's coming up roses and daffodils ♪

♪ everything's coming up sunshine and Santa claus ♪

♪ everything's gotta be bright lights and lollipops ♪

♪ everything's coming up roses ♪

♪ for me ♪

♪ and for yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-u ♪

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the love boat's very own sweethearts,

Vicki stubing and Julie McCoy!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Passengers come, passengers go ♪

♪ faces that blend in the crowd ♪

♪ searching for fun and romance ♪

♪ but nobody gives us a glance ♪

♪ cruising's a joy ♪

♪ if there's a boy ♪

♪ sharing the pleasures at sea ♪

♪ but all of the guys we behold ♪

♪ are either too young ♪

♪ or too o-o-o-old ♪

♪ to ho-o-o-o-o-ld ♪

♪ I am just a little girl who's looking for a little boy ♪

♪ who's looking for a girl to love ♪

♪ tell me, please, where can he be? ♪

♪ The loving he will bring to me ♪

♪ the Harmony I'm dreaming of ♪

♪ it will be goodbye, I know ♪

♪ to my tale of woe ♪

♪ when he says hello ♪

♪ so ♪

♪ I am just a little girl who's looking for a little boy ♪

♪ who's looking for a girl to love ♪

♪ to us, romance is a fable ♪

♪ we're ready, willing, and able ♪

♪ and not very fussy, it's true ♪

♪ but as long as he's breathing ♪

♪ and no longer teething, he'll do ♪

♪ he'll d-o-o-o-o-o ♪

♪ so, I am just a little girl ♪

♪ who is looking for a little boy ♪

♪ who is looking for a girl ♪

♪ an extra-special girl ♪

♪ who's looking for a girl to lo-o-o-o-o-ve ♪

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Now what are we gonna do? It's time for Victor's number.

Looks like we're gonna have to cut the number.

Oh, we can't do that. Nobody's ready for the finale yet.

Why the delay?! What's the problem?!

Well, sir, Victor says he won't do the show.

That's terrible! That'll ruin the entire show!

I know.

Where are we gonna find someone that knows the lyrics to all the songs, all the dance steps?!

Especially that tricky little turn in the last eight bars.

I think we've found our new star!

No! No!

Sir, I have heard you practicing ever since we left Los Angeles.

Gopher!

It's only fair, sir, that if this show is a flop,

the captain goes down with his ship.

[ All shouting indistinctly ]

Come on, captain, you can do it!

You're going out there a captain,

but you're coming back a star!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Once, my clothes were shabby ♪

♪ tailors called me "cabby" ♪

♪ so I took the vow ♪

♪ said, "this bum will be Beau brummell" ♪

♪ now I'm smooth and snappy ♪

♪ now my tailor's happy ♪

♪ I'm the cat's meow ♪

♪ my wardrobe is a wow! ♪

♪ Got my tweed pressed ♪

♪ got my best vest ♪

♪ all I need now is the girl ♪

♪ got my striped tie ♪

♪ got my hopes high ♪

♪ got the time and the place, and I got rhythm ♪

♪ now all I need's the girl to go with them ♪

♪ if she'll just appear ♪

♪ we'll take this big town for a whirl ♪

♪ and if she'll say ♪

♪ my darling, I'm yours ♪

♪ I'll throw away my striped tie ♪

♪ and my best pressed tweed ♪

♪ all I really need is the girl! ♪

♪ If you'll just say ♪

♪ my darling, I'm yours ♪

♪ I'll throw away my socks, my shirt, my tie, my vest ♪

♪ my bvds and all the rest ♪

♪ 'cause all I need to follow my lead ♪

♪ all I need is the gi-i-i-i-rl ♪

I couldn't have written it better.

You didn't.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for the applause.

But the man who deserves the credit

is the one who pulled this whole show together,

Mr. Victor moncrief!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you. I could listen to your applause all night.

But our grand finale is coming up.

Captain, would you join us?

Absolutely.

And now for our grand finale!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Want to sing a show tune ♪

♪ good old Broadway show tune ♪

♪ nothing that has no tune ♪

♪ something that has heart ♪

♪ you gotta have heart ♪

♪ something you can strum or can hum by the hour ♪

♪ lots of heart ♪

♪ something kind of light that's as bright as a flower ♪

♪ miles of heart ♪

♪ something with a tune you can croon in the shower ♪

♪ to help the day start ♪

And now, ladies and gentlemen, in recognition

of the fabulous ports of call the love boat travels to,

here are four glamorous envoys of goodwill.

First, may I present to you

the enchanting queen of the Caribbean!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Hats off, here they come, those beautiful girls ♪

♪ that's what you've been waiting for ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

And now, to melt your heart,

meet the hottest attraction from the frozen north.

Here is the dazzling miss Alaska!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Nature never fashioned a flower so fair ♪

♪ no Rose can compare ♪

♪ nothing respectable, half so delectable ♪

And next, from south of the border,

a lady who is everybody's good neighbor,

the radiant miss acapulco!

♪ Caution, on your guard with beautiful girls ♪

♪ flawless charmers, every one ♪

[ Latin music plays ]

Last, through the locks of the Panama canal

comes the beautiful symbol of tropical paradise,

the exquisite miss Panama canal!

♪ This is how Samson was shorn ♪

♪ each in her style of Delilah reborn ♪

♪ each a gem, a beautiful ♪

♪ diadem of beautiful ♪

♪ welcome them, the beautiful gi-i-i-i-i-rls ♪

♪ you can keep those rock songs ♪

♪ I don't need those schlock songs ♪

♪ only summer stock songs ♪

♪ set me tappin' my toe ♪

♪ how we love to sing a ditty that's witty and styling ♪

♪ something just finessed for a rest or enjoyment ♪

♪ want to sing a show tune ♪

♪ a lerner and a lowe tune ♪

♪ gotta sing a show tune ♪

♪ from a Broadway sho-o-o-o-w ♪

I'm sure everything is all right with uncle Elliot.

No. Something happened to him. I can feel it.

Excuse me. We're looking for a Mrs. Banning.

I'm Mrs. Banning.

The wife of Mr. Elliot banning?

I knew it. Something horrible has happened to Elliot.

I knew it!

Mrs. Banning, I've been instructed to deliver this to you.

Oh, my goodness, what's happened to him?!

Aunt Sylvia, it looks like a present.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my!

It's so gaudy!

I just love it!

Oh, listen.

"My dearest darling, I'm sorry I've been out of touch,

"but I had to go to Africa

"to buy the world's largest diamond mine.

"And as a token of my love for you,

I'm naming it the Sylvia."

Isn't that touching?

My own diamond mine.

Now instead of having to keep bothering

those poor, dear, overworked Tiffany's salesmen,

I can go right into my own diamond mine

and shovel out what I need.

Oh, gee!

Julie: Bye.

[ Laughs ]

Mom, it's been great to see you.

You were so fantastic in the show.

Well, let's face it -- the others were fantastic, too.

I think they all tied for second place.

[ Laughs ]

Uh-oh.

Oh.

Goodbye, Isaac.

Goodbye, Mr. Bigelow.

Goodbye, Millie.

You broke my heart.

Oh, Lionel! You'll get over it.

And we're gonna be friends -- I mean really good friends.

But remember, this is not a friendship ring.

Ooh!

Bye-bye, baby.

See you, honey.

Bye-bye.

Millie, Millie!

Connie, Trish, it was so good seeing you again.

I hope you had a good time.

Oh, it was a lot of fun, but it was a lot of work.

This is the first time

I've ever left a cruise ship needing a vacation!

Trish! Just wanted to say goodbye.

And I hope I'll see a lot more of you when this cruise is over.

Hey, I just wanted to say,

if you two would like to continue your romance,

you have my blessing.

Oh, gee, thanks, doc.

That sounds like a lot of fun,

but I don't think my boyfriend back home is gonna like it.

Boyfriend?!

Boyfriend?!

Well, how come --

you never asked.

Come on, Trish. [ Laughs ]

Are you just gonna stand there with your mouth open,

or are you gonna kiss your mother goodbye?

Oh! Bye, mom.

Hope you can come back for next year's show.

I will, but only if I get one thing.

What's that?

An invitation.

Ah.

Goodbye, doc.

Goodbye, roz.

Oh, e-excuse me.

Goodbye, son.

Bye.

Victor... I've been looking for you.

I didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye.

Roz, I couldn't leave without saying goodbye,

because we're never going to say goodbye.

Come on.

Well, Vicki, our crew has some really terrific relatives --

mothers, aunts, mothers-in-law.

And a really great father, too.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Oh, captain stubing, thank you so much

for letting us put on the show.

We're sorry if it took too much time away from our jobs.

♪ I knew we could do it ♪

♪ there was nothin' to it ♪

♪ we ought to do one every year ♪

Right!

Right!

Right!

Right!

♪ We gave it a go, and what do you know? ♪

♪ We put the show on ♪

♪ right he-e-e-e-e-re ♪