Original subtitles

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Terribly sorry, excuse me.

Gopher: Bye-bye.

Sorry.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

Uh, my name is Sidney willens.

I wonder if you could direct me to my cabin.

Yes, sir, Mr. Willens.

You're on fiesta deck, cabin 208.

Thank you. Ah!

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

I mean putting the pencil behind your ear like that.

Very dangerous. Uh, I should know.

That's my business -- I'm a safety inspector.

Oh, well, I'm sure you'll find this ship as safe as your own home.

Oh, I certainly hope not.

Do you realize that 33% of all accidents occur in the home?

I know. That's why I went to sea.

Teasing, just --

well, have a nice trip -- vacation, not...

I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me.

Uh, my name is Sidney willens.

What is it?

Uh, those shoes.

Oh, yes. Yes, I bought them especially for this cruise.

Uh, big mistake, big mistake.

Those are not good shoes to be wearing aboard a ship.

I mean, you should be wearing shoes that have rubber soles.

I mean, the legs are great, but the shoes are a big mistake.

Oh, thank you.

No trouble at all.

Kind of cute but very picky.

Mm-hmm.

Um, Alice Robbins.

Yes. Alice Robbins.

Julie: Hello, welcome aboard.

Mr. Kirby? I'm Julie McCoy.

Are you sailing with us?

I didn't see your name on the manifest.

No, miss McCoy, I'm looking for one of my executives

who's on this cruise.

Oh, does that mean that your corporation

is thinking of buying the line again?

It means I want to talk somebody out of resigning.

I'm not about to let my most valuable vice-president

quit like this.

Oh, that wouldn't be Lydia foster, would it?

I've read about you two in the papers.

Yes, it is Lydia foster.

But don't believe everything you read.

Our relationship has been strictly business.

Well, she looks just like her pictures.

Excuse me.

Sure.

Lydia.

I refuse to accept your resignation.

Please, Mr. Kirby, I'm late.

I have to get aboard.

Damn it, we're not sleeping together!

If you think I'm gonna let some other company snap you up...

Sir, I am grateful to maxitronics international

for the confidence you've placed in me, but I can't g--

excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but, Mr. Kirby, we're about to sail.

You'll have to go ashore.

Not without her.

I won't change my mind.

Miss McCoy, do you have an empty cabin?

I'll check.

Yes, sir, one, but it's small.

I'll take it.

I'd like an open telephone line to my corporate headquarters

and use of a telex.

Yes, sir.

You and I will meet at 2:00 this afternoon.

But I don't work for you anymore.

All right, make it 2:30.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, gopher.

What?

Have you seen doc yet?

No, I've been looking for him, but I haven't seen him.

Well, look, I mean,

you know when doc takes a two-week vacation,

he doesn't want it to be 10 seconds less than two weeks.

Well, I hope he remembered to pack his bathing suit

because if he's any later,

he's gonna have to swim out to meet us.

Gopher.

Sir.

Did you tell Dr. Bricker I wanted to see him

as soon as he got back?

He hasn't reported to me yet.

Well, that's because he hasn't come back to the ship yet, sir.

We're due to sail in 12 minutes.

Mm.

Well, there he is.

Hi, everybody.

Well, hi, doc, nice of you to drop by.

Hey, what is this,

the latest look in medical attire?

Hey, knock it off, you two.

I just haven't had time to change.

I'm sorry I'm late.

It must have been some vacation.

Oh, just the usual --

played a couple rounds of golf, saw some nice movies,

got married, uh, took a couple of tennis lessons --

whoa! What?!

Hey! Back up!

Tanya.

Gentlemen, and lady,

I'd like you to meet, as of, uh, 2 hours and 17 minutes ago,

the new Mrs. Adam bricker.

Well, hi.

Congratulations.

How are you doing? Nice to meet you.

Hey, doc, congratulations, man.

That's incredible.

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Gasps ]

Just checking the equipment.

Here you go.

Isaac Washington honeymoon specials.

Oh, wow.

Two sips, and you feel like you went over Niagara Falls.

Okay, doc and Tanya, tell us -- how did it happen?

Yeah, where'd you meet Tanya?

One night while I was on my vacation,

I decided to go to a concert to hear

an eastern-European touring symphony orchestra.

How come I never meet beautiful ladies

like Tanya at the symphony?

Because you never go to the symphony.

Good reason.

Purser Smith to the lido deck, please.

Ah, duty calls. You can see, Tanya,

I'm the only one around here that does any work.

Oh, will you take this back to the bar for me?

Anyway, back at the symphony...

Right.

Actually, Tanya wasn't in the audience.

She was onstage in the orchestra.

The world's most gorgeous cellist.

[ Eastern-European accent ] If it was up to Adam,

he'd have me listed in the program that way.

I would not. I'd have you listed as

the world's most gorgeous and talented cellist.

Anyway, I was so impressed,

I went backstage to compliment Tanya on her playing.

Well, she complimented me on my compliment,

one compliment led to another -- we got married.

Whoever said flattery gets you nowhere?

Ah, gopher.

I'm the one who had you paged.

There are some very serious safety hazards on this ship.

Mr. Willens, have you been working on your vacation?

First of all,

the carpeting in my cabin is 1/16 of an inch higher

than the carpeting in the passageway,

which means that someone could very easily trip

and break their neck just passing over the threshold.

I see -- lower the carpet in the cabin

or raise the carpet in the passageway.

Uh, excuse me, gopher.

Uh, hi.

Remember me? Sidney.

Oh, sure I remember you.

I'm Alice Robbins.

See? Rubber soles.

Oh, good, good. Very good.

Uh, I was standing across the deck watching you,

and I couldn't help notice your terrific tan.

Oh.

It's so dark and so deep.

Oh, yes, I've been working hard at it.

Do you have any idea how bad that is for your skin?

You mean you came all the way across here

just to tell me how unhealthy my tan is?

Well, I also couldn't help noticing your eyes.

Look, if they're hazardously close together, forget it.

I'm not going to move them.

Oh, no, I just wanted to say that I think they're beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, would you like to join me this afternoon?

Oh, well, thank you. Yes, I would very much.

Uh, what are you going to do?

Go skeet shooting.

Ah, skeet shoo--

skeet shooting?

Hey, isn't that a little dangerous?

I don't know. It's my first time.

First time.

Mr. Kirby.

Are you enjoying the cruise?

It's been absolutely marvelous.

I've acquired two new subsidiaries since we left port.

Not that German corporation?

Yes, and the Italian one, too.

And I couldn't have done it without your spadework.

Now, uh, as to this absurd idea you have about leaving us --

[ laughs ]

What's so funny?

Haven't you noticed that nobody else is wearing anything

that even vaguely resembles a three-piece business suit?

Yes. Now, to these rumors about you and I in the boardroom --

I really don't think you --

you really ought to buy more appropriate clothing.

Lydia, in the 20 years since I graduated

from the warton school of finance,

what I have on has always been appropriate.

For the warton school of finance.

[ Laughs ] I'm sorry, but if we're going to talk,

either I have to put on a business suit,

or you have to put on a bathing suit.

Well, I-I wouldn't want you to get suntan oil

all over your business suit.

Great. Then I'll help you pick out what you need.

I-I don't suppose they make three-piece bathing suits?

Maybe we could find a two-piece with a life vest.

Mmm, is that a great Martini.

Huh?

Is that a great Martini!

I still have the cotton in my ears from the skeet shooting.

Do you realize that gunshot noise

is one of the leading causes of ear damage, hmm?

Did you know that?

Isaac, I'd like to talk to you about this Martini.

Great, isn't it?

That is not the point.

The point of this toothpick is the point.

It is dangerously sharp.

Oh, well, we tried the ones with the rounded ends,

but they don't seem to Pierce the olive.

Have you tried softer olives?

No, but I'll bring that up at the next olive meeting.

They have olive meetings here?

Oh, Sidney, you are so cute!

Do you have any idea

how many germs there are in a single kiss?

Excuse me, I hate to interrupt you two lovebirds,

but the captain has something to tell you.

I just want to say that since you two snuck off

and got married without any of us being there,

we want to have a wedding party for you tonight

at the captain's table -- just our family.

That will be very nice.

Thank you, merrill.

In the meantime,

I think it's best if we let you and your pretty young bride

have a little privacy.

Right, sir, I think I just saw them hang up

their "do not disturb" sign.

Adam, your friends are wonderful.

The way they welcomed me with open arms.

Yeah, they're a pretty terrific group.

And, uh, speaking of open arms...

[ Knock on door ]

Alice, wow, that's the most fantastic-looking dress

I've ever seen.

Well, don't tell me it's dangerous

because it's supposed to be.

Could you, uh, do me up?

Oh, can I?

I mean, certainly.

Are we ready?

Uh, all ready.

Uh, wait a minute.

Room key.

I knew there was something I forgot.

[ Laughter ]

Vicki: Is it time yet, dad?

I think so. Isaac, gopher.

Ahem, would you excuse us, please?

Hey, what's going on here?

Well, doc, in honor of this very special occasion,

we've had the chef work overtime.

I think you'll be happy with the results.

[ Isaac imitates fanfare ]

Ta-da!

Oh, you guys.

And look, doc, the little groom looks just like you.

Oh, Adam, it's beautiful.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To Adam, our dear friend.

To Tanya, who became Adam's bride

and so becomes our friend, also.

I wish you both years of love and happiness.

Hear! Hear!

Hear! Hear!

Hear! Hear!

No, here.

Isaac: Hey.

Uh, I'm not sure of the rules of etiquette

concerning proposing a toast to oneself,

but I'm gonna do it anyway.

To the luckiest man in the world

and to the woman who makes him feel that way...

For showing him how to love again.

Thank you.

Well, here's to a day spent buying me clothes

and sitting by the pool.

To help you relax.

I am relaxed.

Now, let's get down to business.

Lydia, you and I know that our relationship

has been purely as one executive to another.

That's all that matters.

Not when people are whispering that I got promotions

only because we were having an affair.

Damn it, I don't sleep with my vice-presidents --

they ought to know that.

It is rather difficult to imagine a hard-nosed businessman

like yourself being involved with anybody.

Exactly.

All right, maybe I'm not the most romantic man in the world.

And I've never been married

because it didn't seem worth the trouble.

But that's all the more reason for you to ignore those lies.

You've gotta be tough, Lydia,

if you want to survive in the corporate world.

I was losing my effectiveness.

People resent taking orders

from somebody they think is the boss' mistress.

Petty, envious bigots.

Are you gonna let people like that drive you out?

It wasn't just me being hurt, you know?

Wh-- am I supposed to have another girlfriend?

I mean you, Mr. Kirby.

Your effectiveness was suffering, too.

It wasn't a good arrangement for either of us.

Woman's logic.

And you're no woman, Lydia. You're a top-notch manager.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, come on, you know what I mean.

Yes, I suppose I do.

You were giving me the highest compliment you could think of.

Would you prefer I said something silly like, uh,

"I love the way you look in your bikini"?

Do you?

Will you come back if I tell you?

No.

Then I won't tell you.

Sidney, whatever inspired you to become a safety inspector?

Oh.

Well, it all started when I was a very young boy of 13.

I remember it was a cold, wintry day

and I was sitting at the window looking out.

My brother was shoveling snow in the front yard,

and I was trying to figure out what to do with my life.

And, all of a sudden, it hit me.

The inspiration?

No, the shovel.

Flew out of my brother's hands

and conked me right on the skull.

From that day on, I decided that I was gonna devote my life

to making this world a safer place for people to live in.

Oh, Sidney, that's admirable.

Let's celebrate your dedication with a bottle of champagne.

Champagne?

Are you kidding?

And take the risk of knocking someone's eye out with the cork?

No way.

No, you're right.

Let's order a bottle of wine.

Or is wine too dangerous, too?

Well.

How about grapes?

Grapes?

Seedless.

Are you putting me on?

Maybe just a little.

Alice, don't you care about safety at all?

No...

Just safety inspectors.

[ Slow dance music plays ]

Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me.

May I have your attention, please?

I'm pleased to present our very own

Dr. Adam bricker and his beautiful bride, Tanya,

in their first dance together as husband and wife.

Please, everybody, won't you join us?

Oh, Tanya, if I'd done nothing else my whole life

but dance with you,

I wouldn't feel that I'd wasted a moment.

I'm making up for lost time, too.

You know, when I was growing up in my country,

all the girls were dancing -- I was practicing my cello.

I was quite old before I ever even kissed a man.

Well, you may not have practiced your kissing

as much as you practiced your cello,

but I'm here to tell you, you're not only first cellist,

you're also first kisser.

That's because you're a marvelous conductor.

Ooh.

[ Clears throat ]

Excuse me, I hate to interrupt,

but there's a passenger in fiesta 117

that needs to see you.

Anything serious?

No, just a cold.

Won't keep you away from your lovely bride too long.

I'm sorry, darling.

Merrill, would you finish this dance for me?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

May I, Mrs. Bricker?

Tanya bricker.

I think I'm going to like saying that name.

That's because he can't pronounce "czeslovinska."

Lydia, I have transatlantic calls to place.

Not until you do something else first.

You're right -- I almost forgot.

Check gold futures in Zurich and pork bellies in Chicago.

And the dance floor in the acapulco lounge.

Shall we?

I'm not very good.

I don't dance much.

How often?

Every two years

at the international monetary fund gala.

That's it?

Well, the inauguration, of course.

I don't remember you going to Washington.

It was Truman's inauguration.

I danced with my mother.

All things considered, I'd say you're a pretty good dancer.

You know, I think I'm enjoying this.

Well, it sure beats pork bellies, doesn't it?

Do you know, Sidney,

there are things more important than safety --

like love.

Love?! Love?! Are you kidding?

Do you have any idea how dangerous love could be?

Dangerous?

Of course, look at history.

It was Napoleon's love for Josephine

that clouded his mind and led to his defeat at Waterloo.

Sidney.

It was Antony's love for Cleopatra

that sent his barge up the river.

Sidney.

How about Samson and Delilah? She got --

Sidney, if you and I work at it,

we might make the world safe for romance.

Come on.

Ah, where are we going?

To your place.

We'll, uh, put on some soft music and, uh,

dim the lights and --

dim the lights? Dim the lights?!

Oh, no, we can't do that. That could be very dangerous.

We might trip over something in the dark and fall.

Yes, but imagine where we might land.

Hi, guys. Where's doc?

Uh, he's treating a passenger with a cold.

On his wedding night? Poor guy.

Yeah, but when he gets back, we got a little surprise for him.

Since doc never gave us

a chance to throw him a bachelor party,

we figure that the least that we could do

would be to escort him to his bridal suite.

Here he comes. Don't say anything.

Okay, back to my honeymoon.

Where's Tanya?

Sorry, doc. We can't tell you that.

What?

We can't tell you, but we can show you.

Come on, doc.

Come on.

If I'm not back in a week,

don't you dare send a search party!

Come on, doc.

♪ ...don't rent his room ♪

Fellas, keep it down.

♪ Here comes the groom ♪

♪ don't rent his room ♪

[ French accent ] Adieu, Dr. Bricker.

You are a brave man to volunteer for this assignment.

Merci!

[ French accent ] This is above and beyond the call of duty.

À bientôt.

À bientôt.

♪ There goes the groom ♪

♪ don't rent his room ♪

[ Singing indistinctly ]

Ready or not, here I come.

I guess she's not ready.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Very.

If anyone had told me two days ago

I'd be aboard a cruise ship today --

and that you'd dance the night away?

I did, didn't I?

And that you'd even like it.

I did, Lydia.

But the real world still exists out there,

and you can't let it beat you.

Ah, the secret to the Kirby success --

you never forget what you're after and you never give up.

Exactly.

And I don't want you to give up, either.

What do you say?

Will you come back to us?

You want me to be a fighter, huh?

We need you.

You and I know that everything between us is on the up-and-up.

Nothing else matters.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, Ralph.

To hell with all the lies and rumors.

Tear up my resignation.

That's great!

Well, I feel like a kid

with his first subscription to fortune magazine.

Welcome back aboard, Lydia.

Good night, Ralph.

Well, here we are.

Yes, uh, here we are.

Do you smell something burning?

Oh, it's passion.

It's smoke.

And it's coming from my cabin.

Nothing to worry about, folks, just a handkerchief.

Oh, no. I don't believe it.

Yeah, Mr. Willens, I'm afraid you left your iron plugged in.

Well, that's terrible.

How could I do a thing like that?

Well, sir, you of all people should know --

better safe than sorry.

Try to be more careful next time, okay?

Yes. Yes, I will.

Oh, Sidney... Accidents do happen.

Not with me they don't.

I'm sorry, Alice, but I think we better call it a night.

Good night.

[ Sighs ]

Doc. What are you doing here?

I seem to have misplaced my wife.

You haven't seen her, have you?

No. Well, maybe she went out on deck.

You know, the moonlight is very romantic tonight.

I like how you women think.

Tanya: Darling.

[ Laughing ]

Hi, guys. Either of you seen doc?

Are you kidding me?!

This is a man's honeymoon morning.

He won't be out till 3:00.

The day after tomorrow.

My, how time flies.

Hey.

Hey.

Doc, we didn't expect to see you

unless it was a state of emergency, man.

What happened? You run out of vitamins?

Doc, is there anything wrong?

I'm just a little tired.

Ah, he's just a little tired.

Yeah, looks like you didn't sleep a wink all night long.

I-I didn't.

Ha ha! You devil.

This is a sad day for the single women of the world.

Speaking of women, where's Tanya this morning?

On cloud nine if my buddy doc's living up to his old reputation.

I don't know where she is.

Oh, good morning, Sidney.

You know, I was looking through this schedule here,

and, uh, I thought it might be fun to --

no, I don't think so.

What's wrong, Sidney?

What's wrong? What's wrong?

I'll tell you what's wrong.

That fire in there last night was caused by my carelessness.

Who cares? Everybody makes mistakes.

And do you know why I was so careless?

Because I was thinking of you.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

I have dedicated my entire life to safety.

Then you come along, and I become a pyromaniac!

That's ridiculous.

No, it is not ridiculous.

Do you realize what could have happened

in that room last night?

I do.

Ah. Yes, well, uh, I didn't mean that.

What I meant is, uh, don't you care about safety at all?

I care more about you.

At least I did.

Hello, Ralph.

What are you doing back in your old pinstripe?

Oh, Lydia.

I'm sorry about last night. I really botched things up.

Oh, come on, I --

no. No, I took advantage of you.

You took advantage of --

yes, and I admit it freely.

You're too good of an executive to be treated that way.

Now, hold on, Ralph.

I, uh, I think it might be wiser if we went back to "Mr. Kirby."

I promise you last night will never happen again.

Oh, you do?

Now, then, uh, if you'll change into something

a little more business-like, uh,

I'd like you to analyze a couple of offers I've roughed out.

Does it occur to you that I had something to do with last night?

You know, Ralph, we're equals.

You are not chairman of the board for this love affair.

Love affair?!

It was just a thing in the moonlight.

As the man, you decide, of course.

Well, I've got news for you -- you weren't out there

kissing the back of your hand.

There was a female person involved.

I don't think I like hearing that tone from you, miss foster.

Is this what you learned at the Harvard school of business?

No, Mr. Kirby, but I did learn

that there's more than one party to a contract --

even oral contracts made in the moonlight.

Lydia.

Need some help?

Oh, thank you.

I can't seem to get it open.

Sometimes I'm so macho, it scares me.

Hi, Isaac.

Hi.

Uh, let me have an orange blossom.

Okay.

Oh, gopher.

There is a spot right back here

that I don't seem to be able to reach.

Would you mind?

I thought you'd never ask.

You know, it's important to protect your skin.

Yeah.

At least, that's what an expert once told me.

Mr. Willens?

Mr. Willens?

Oh, Mr. Willens, would you like me

to help you back up on your stool?

No, thanks. I don't want to do that trick again.

You should really be more careful.

[ Knock on door ]

Who is it?

Tanya: It's Tanya.

Come in.

Adam, I've been looking for you.

Why did you leave?

It was our wedding night.

Well, I didn't realize it meant so much to you.

I don't understand. Was it something I said?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it was.

As I recall, you promised to love, honor, and Cherish,

but maybe what we have here is a language barrier.

Apparently those words don't carry the same meaning

in your native tongue.

Adam, I wish you'd explain what you're --

no, I think you're the one that owes the explanation.

Tanya...

Tanya, how am I supposed to feel?

Last night was the most wonderful night of my life

until I walked out on deck looking for

the woman I planned to spend the rest of my life with

and found her with another man?

Oh, no!

Oh, Adam, I had no idea you saw.

Oh, that's a wonderful excuse.

I feel much better now.

I don't know what to tell you.

Well, for starters, how about who the hell was that guy

and what were you doing kissing him?

I wish I could answer you, Adam.

But I can't.

[ Door closes ]

Now, look, Roger, I don't want us to lose that company.

It's too important.

You draft a letter to their stockholders

outlining our offer.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in. Make those points about

their lousy management good and strong,

clear it with legal, and get it out.

Hello.

You wanted my analysis of some offers, I believe.

Look, uh, about this morning.

Please, Mr. Kirby, that was very unprofessional of me.

In retrospect, I can only admire

your management skills in dealing with the matter.

Now, about those offers.

Oh, uh...

Well, actually, I polished those off myself.

Uh, but I would like you to look at a cable

from our, uh, ionosphere components division.

It's here somewhere.

West coast marketing division. International monetary fund.

I'm sure they'll all notice how much better you dance

at their next gala.

Secretary of commerce.

I love the way your hair smells.

Thank you.

My shampoo is made by our syntheco-chemical subsidiary.

Ah, here we are. Ionosphere components.

I'd like to get a reaction from you.

Uh, on the offer.

Excuse me.

Yes, I see what you mean.

The prospects here look quite attractive.

I think you should make a move.

You're right, Lydia.

Mr. Kirby!

What?

Now, about that cable from the I.M.F. --

damn it, let's forget about the I.M.F.

You're right, we can put that off.

It's much more important I get right to work on this ionosphere bid.

Lydia!

And, please, it's "miss foster" from now on.

[ Telephone rings ]

What?!

There you are.

Thanks, Isaac.

You know what I've been thinking?

You want a seat belt for your bar stool.

By the way, how are things going?

Oh, I don't know, Isaac.

So far, so good, I guess.

"So far, so good."

You know, the way you say that reminds me of a story.

What story?

Well, it's about a guy who jumped off a 20-story building,

and as he passed the 10th floor, someone heard him say,

"so far, so good."

Well, I guess that's me, Isaac.

I don't know why I'm so unhappy.

Just this morning I rededicated my whole life to safety.

And now I'm miserable.

I don't know what went wrong.

Mr. Willens, playing it safe is fine

if it keeps you from getting hurt.

But sometimes it keeps you from doing

the things you really want to do.

Like seeing Alice?

Exactly.

Now, maybe you should learn to take a chance

every once in a while.

What's the worst that could happen?

Well, I could break an arm or a leg.

Is that any worse than a broken heart?

I guess not.

What good is being safe if you have no one to be safe with?

You know something?

You're right, Isaac.

Where are you going?

To do something I really want to do.

Break a leg!

Hello, Mr. Kirby.

Miss McCoy.

You look lost. Can I help you?

Oh, no. I'm fine, thank you.

Tell me something, miss McCoy.

Why are you women so hard to figure out?

Oh, probably because you can't punch us up

on one of your adding machines.

The problem is people don't look at things analytically,

balancing fact against fact.

It's the only way to reach a decision

that makes everybody happy.

Well, maybe that works in the business world, but --

no, it works anywhere.

Including right here. Excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

Are you sure we can talk here, Mr. Kirby?

It's not a very business-like environment.

Okay, I know when I'm licked.

Oh, if you're talking about our setback

in the central-American mines deal --

I'm talking about us.

Us?

Oh, yes, U.S. -- unified smelting.

I haven't finished that analysis yet.

I am not talking about smelting.

I am talking about the fact that I care for you...

And that I handled the situation stupidly.

You really see that?

[ Sighs ]

I don't know how I could have ever been so blind.

But now I've had time to think it through.

Obviously, if an imaginary romance

hurt our business reputations, a real one would be worse.

So there's only one ideal solution.

Ralph, are you asking me --

I'm firing you.

What?!

With my help, you'll have no trouble

getting an even higher position in any one of a number of firms,

leaving us free to be in love.

Now kiss me.

I'll get it, darling.

Consider yourself kissed, Mr. Kirby!

Kissed off!

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Merrill, can I talk to you?

Of course.

What's the matter?

It's Tanya.

What happened?

Well, I spent my wedding night alone sleeping in --

or rather not sleeping in -- my examining room.

Adam, I don't understand.

You have a charming, lovely, new bride.

You should be the happiest man in the world.

I was.

Until I walked out on deck last night...

Merrill, I saw her... Kissing another man.

Oh.

I don't know who he was or where he came from.

Merrill, she was... Kissing him.

Adam, I hate to say this,

but you only met Tanya two weeks ago.

What do you really know about her?

All I know is that I love her.

Then maybe you should give her a chance to explain.

She won't talk to me about it.

I'm sure she will when she's ready.

What's important is that she knows you'll be there to listen.

Thanks, merrill.

Good evening, folks.

What is Mr. Willens doing on your skateboard?!

I don't know, but I sure hope that lady has insurance!

Mr. Willens!

Mr. Willens, are you all right? Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Okay. All right.

This is just a warning.

Next time I'm going to have to give you a ticket.

I couldn't find the brakes.

Are you crazy -- skateboarding on deck?

Oh, that was nothing.

You should have seen me going down the stairs.

If you're trying to kill yourself,

I'd appreciate it if you go and do it someplace else.

Wait a minute, Alice. You don't understand.

I'm doing this for you. Don't you get it?

No more safe Sidney willens.

For once in my life, i'm willing to risk getting hurt.

Well, then you and your little skateboard

should be very happy together.

Wait a minute, Alice. I don't care about skateboards.

I don't care about ironing boards.

I don't care about bald tires.

Well, bald tires -- maybe just a little bit.

Alice, there's only one thing in this world that can hurt me.

And that's you.

And I'm gonna give you the opportunity.

Alice...i love you.

Me, I said that.

I said that?

I said it.

I love you, Alice.

Sidney, I love you, too.

You know something?

I could have killed myself on that stupid thing.

[ Sighs ]

You sure do know how to hurt a guy's ego...

Not to mention his tailbone.

And you sure do know how to ask for it.

If I was wrong to fire you, then you were wrong to quit.

Are we even on that score?

I'm not keeping score.

Look, I'm not used to talking to people I'm in love with.

Because it never happened before.

You gotta give me a break.

What do you want from me, Ralph?

I want to marry you.

So I can stay home and take care of the house

for you and all the little acquisitions?

Now, wouldn't that be a terrible waste of woman power?

We'll both keep our old jobs

and let all the tongue-waggers say what they want.

Well?

I'll vote for that merger 100%.

Adam.

Tanya. Tanya, where have you been?

I've been thinking, Adam...

About what I've done to you.

Tanya, before you say anything, I want you to know

no matter what the problem is, we can work it out --

as long as we stay together.

You make it so hard for me to say what I have to say.

Adam, we shouldn't be married.

I know we rushed into it, but as long as we love each other --

I care for you very deeply, Adam, but...

God forgive me, I've never loved you.

Not in that way.

Then why did you marry me?

Misha.

This is why.

Adam, meet mikhail shakopovic.

Mikhail shakopovic?

The political dissident?

Tanya, I don't understand.

Tanya and I were engaged to be married three years ago.

Then the communists forced me to seek asylum in your country.

Without each other we were miserable.

Then I got a chance to come to america with the orchestra.

For six months we were together again.

When it came time to go back, I couldn't bear to leave him.

Marrying me would have done no good

since I'm not yet a citizen.

So you married me instead to stay in the country.

I'm truly sorry, Adam.

I was desperate.

I never meant to hurt you.

I just didn't realize what a selfish thing I was doing.

The party leaders knew she was seeing me over here.

If she went back, she would have been put in prison.

I see.

I would have sought asylum like mikhail did,

but in order to come to your country,

i had to sign documents swearing allegiance to state.

I was afraid your government would not approve of this.

I knew I shouldn't have followed Tanya on the ship.

But I just couldn't help but follow her.

So what happens now?

Tomorrow when we dock, I'll see lawyer about annulment.

Tanya and I will have to work this out on our own.

I'm sorry this had to happen.

So am I.

Adam.

Adam, I would give anything not to put you through this.

I just hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

So, Mr. Kirby,

I see the chairman of the board and his vice-president

have resolved their differences.

Completely. She's coming back to work...

As Mrs. Kirby.

I beg your pardon?

Whoops, um, I mean Mrs. Lydia foster-Kirby.

So that gossip won't be a problem anymore?

Right. You might say we've put those rumors to bed.

Ah, well, it looks like love really does conquer all.

It sure does.

Isaac, I don't know how to thank you.

You're a very wise man.

I am? Well, thank you very much.

It's all in the line of duty.

Oh, Mr. Willens, I'm glad I found you.

I wanted you to have this.

Oh. Well, thank you very much.

But don't you want it?

Are you kidding? Those things are dangerous.

No, thank you.

Well, so long, Isaac.

So long.

Doc, how are you holding up?

Well, aside from the fact that my heart feels like

it's been run over by a bulldozer, I'm doing okay.

Here comes the wrecking crew now.

Adam, I will remember you always.

Well, this is an experience I won't easily forget, either.

I want you to know I'll take care of annulment

before I leave country.

You may not be leaving the country.

The captain has something to say to you.

Tanya, at Adam's request,

I called a friend of mine in Washington last night.

After explaining your situation,

he's arranged for a hearing to discuss giving you

political asylum here in the United States.

Oh, captain, I don't know what to say.

Thank you, Adam.

You're a beautiful man.

I wish you every happiness in the world.

Both of you.

Thank you, Adam.

What could I ever do to repay you?

Just make sure her next marriage lasts forever.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.