Original subtitles

♪ Love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard it's love ♪

[Caribbean music playing]

Oh, Julie, is everything ready for Mr. Banning

and the wine tasting competition?

Yes, sir, everything's ready.

Good.

Looking for someone?

Uh-huh, my aunt Sylvia.

Have you seen her yet?

Sorry, Julie.

I don't know your aunt Sylvia.

Believe me, if you saw her, you'd know her.

Well, in that case, I'll let you know when I see her.

[Continues]

Ah!

Take a look at that. Isn't that view great?

[Gopher] Yeah, it's great to see Saint Thomas again.

Saint Thomas must have been quite a guy

to have so pretty an island named after him.

In fact, he must have been a Saint.

Not even your jokes are gonna ruin this trip for me.

This is the kind of cruise you dream about.

Those sunny Caribbean days.

Beautiful days.

Those Caribbean warm nights.

Oh, I hear you, mate.

Hey, I'm talking about Saint Thomas.

Saint Thomas.

Curaçao, Aruba.

♪ Day-o ♪

Then, through the Panama canal.

You know, I kinda feel bad taking a paycheck for all this.

Fine, give it to me.

I don't feel that bad.

[Caribbean music continues]

Hi, welcome aboard. I'm gopher Smith.

I'm Isaac Washington.

Hi. We're the butlers.

Oh, and I'm the bartender and he's the purser.

I thought it was funny.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, all right. Okay.

Cabin 419, fiesta deck

is right through there.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Excuse me, didn't you used to be Annie Carlisle?

Didn't you used to be Jeff Thatcher?

I still am.

Hi, Jeff.

How are you? Wow!

Oh, Jeff, this is my husband, Kevin.

Kevin, this is my old flame from high school, Jeff Thatcher.

It's not the same Jeff Thatcher who drove his motorcycle

through the high school library?

Oh, I see Annie's told you about me.

Any old flame of Annie's is an old flame of mine.

Annie used to be the prettiest girl at Madison high,

and she hasn't changed a bit.

Jeff used to be the biggest bull artist

at Madison high, and he hasn't changed a bit.

I never expected to run into you here.

I'm here for the big wine tasting contest.

I'm entered.

Oh, that's terrific.

I'll bet you two are on this cruise for your honeymoon.

Not exactly.

We're on the ship for our divorce.

See ya later.

Hello there, I'm Allan Curtis.

Oh, hi.

Where do I go to pick up the $25,000

for winning the wine tasting competition?

Well, you sure are very confident, Mr. Curtis.

Where'd you learn about wine?

In la belle France.

Oh!

That's a little saloon up in Harlem.

Hi. I'm Marion Blake.

You won't be for long,

unless you want to keep your maiden name after we're married.

Where do I check in?

I can help you.

Miss Blake, oh, you're aloha 358.

By the way, my name is Allan Curtis.

I'll have to take your word for that.

I like her style. I also like her walk.

See you later.

Okay.

I'm Vincent Van durling.

I want to make sure my cabin is on the port side

because the prevailing wind is from the west,

and I don't want my palate confused by the salt air.

Well, Mr. Van durling, I'm not sure if that's possible.

Make it possible, my dear boy. Hmm?

"My dear boy."

Has your aunt Sylvia come on board yet?

No, not yet.

But my aunt Sylvia's a real southern belle.

And she's been late for everything her whole life.

I tell you, captain, my aunt Sylvia's

in a time zone all her own.

Julie!

Aunt Sylvia, oh!

Oh!

Come on, I want you to meet the captain.

The captain?

Aunt Sylvia, this is captain stubing.

Captain stubing, I hope you never have

to go down with your ship.

The world needs all the cute captains

it can get.

Oh, I'll be careful.

Please do, you hear now.

Aunt Sylvia, I booked this cruise for you and your friend miss boucher.

Isn't she coming with you?

Oh, yes, she's here. Now, where is she?

Oh, there she is now. Betsy, over here.

[Laughs]

Miss boucher? I'm Julie.

I'm Betsy.

Hi.

Betsy has been studying up on one of the world's richest men,

Mr. Elliott banning.

Oh, Mr. Banning is sponsoring

the wine tasting competition

on this ship.

I know. That's why we're here.

My plan is to meet Mr. Banning

and have Mr. Banning fall head over heels in love with me

and in no time at all, have Mr. Banning marry me

and make me one of the richest women in america.

Isn't that a foolproof plan?

Foolproof. Foolproof.

Ah!

[Banning] Captain stubing.

Yes?

I'm Elliott banning.

Oh, we've been expecting you.

Welcome aboard. Pleasure to meet you.

This is my daughter, Vicki.

[Vicki] Hi. How do you do?

Hello.

Mr. Banning is one of the world's largest importers

of fine wines and liquors.

He's the man who's sponsoring

this wine tasting competition.

I think it ought to be pretty exciting, don't you?

Well, it would be a little more exciting

if I were old enough to enter.

Looks like it's time to put your foolproof plan into effect.

Goodbye. See you later...

Vicki.

Vicki, of course, yes.

Bye-bye. Enjoy your cruise.

Bye-bye.

Here goes step one of the plan.

Mr. Banning is just ruining Betsy's foolproof plan.

Mr. Banning?

Mr. Banning, that very attractive lady

just dropped her handkerchief at your feet.

There you are. I'm sorry.

Incidentally, you're a very attractive young lady yourself.

Oh, thank you.

Perhaps we'll meet again during the trip sometime, huh?

Thank you, Mr. Banning, thank you.

What are you thanking him for?

He called us young.

[Ship horn blowing]

Ah, miss Blake, we meet again.

How lucky can a girl be?

Miss Blake, face facts.

It's obvious you're smitten with me

and are dying to get to know me better.

So give me one good reason why you won't go

into Curaçao with me tomorrow?

Because you're conceited, presumptuous and arrogant.

I only asked for one.

[Laughs] All right, Mr. Curtis. I'll go with you.

I know that when I go with you

I'll be able to think of many more reasons

why I shouldn't be going with you.

I could sit here for hours

listening to your compliments,

but I have to get ready for tonight.

I'll see you after the wine tasting competition.

Or during.

Hey, gopher, did you sort through the mail yet?

Sure did.

Anything for me?

Afraid not.

What'd you send away for, Vicki?

An autographed picture of my favorite person in the whole world.

Oh, you didn't have to send away. I'd be happy to give you--

wait a minute. She's not talking about you.

I guess I mean my favorite athlete in the whole world.

Pat haden of the Los Angeles rams.

I sent him a letter telling him all the places

the ship would stop so he'd be sure to find me.

Well, maybe there will be something waiting for you tomorrow in Curaçao.

Hey, I bet there will! Thanks, Isaac.

Sure.

How about these kids, Isaac?

Isn't it silly sending away for stuff like that?

Yeah.

If Vicki gets pat haden, I'm sending away for Terry bradshaw.

Don summers.

Hey, good choice.

All right.

Let's just move Mr. Banning a little closer.

Sylvia, listen to me.

Here, Sylvia.

Sylvia, when Mr. Banning comes out on deck,

I'm going to be reading this magazine,

which contains an article on wine written by Mr. Banning.

Right?

Right.

But if Mr. Banning

doesn't see me reading his article...

I want you to say to me, very loudly,

"Betsy, what article are you reading in that magazine?"

And then beat it.

"Betsy, what article are you reading in that magazine?"

And then beat it.

You are lucky I'm such a quick study. Here he comes now.

Pretend you don't see him.

Good day. Hello.

Oh, Betsy, tell me, Betsy,

whatever article are you reading in that magazine?

And then beat--

it's a fascinating article.

It's all about wine, written by a Mr. Elliott banning.

That's me. I'm Elliott banning.

I wrote that article you're reading.

Did you?

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Well, Betsy's the one to talk to.

She knows all about wine.

She's got one of those cultivated palates.

Really, is that so?

Oh, yes.

She is a real connoisseur.

Me, I don't know vin ordinaire from magnolia squirt.

[Laughs] That's the whole point of the article.

It's written for people just like you

who don't know anything about fine wines.

Look, may I see the magazine? I'll show you what I mean.

Wait, I missed a spot.

Ooh, that did hit the spot.

Oh, it's a tragedy what divorce will do to a couple.

How you doing, Jeff? Sit down. I'll buy you a drink.

Listen, uh... I know this is none of my business,

but you two look so much in love.

Why are you getting a divorce?

Twelve thousand dollars, that's why.

Annie and I both work, and we make a pretty good living.

So if we file our income tax returns as a married couple,

we pay a much higher rate than if we file as two single people.

They call it the marriage penalty.

So every year we get a quickie divorce.

And we get home, we file our tax returns, get married again.

And it saves us enough money to take a cruise with plenty left over.

You two are gonna be the richest couple in leavenworth.

Well, nobody's said anything so far,

and this is our sixth divorce.

Yeah. The nice thing about it, when you get married every year,

you're always newlyweds.

Right, honey?

Mm.

Jeff, you never got married?

Oh, no, no.

I never met anybody I liked

as much as Annie here.

Well, if you wait till tomorrow,

Annie will be single again.

[Laughs]

Well, hello, miss Blake.

I didn't think it was possible,

but you're looking even lovelier tonight

than you did this afternoon.

Why, thank you, Mr. Curtis.

And may I say you are absolutely right.

[Both laugh]

I wish I could stay and join you for dinner, but...

I've just eaten, and I have to clear my palate for the wine tasting.

Maybe I'll see you there.

Just tell them Allan Curtis sent you.

They'll give you the best seat in the house.

[Chuckles] I bet they will.

Just stay out of it, that's all.

Well, Betsy, this time I've come up with a wonderful plan

for getting you and Mr. Banning together.

I've arranged with Julie for you and Mr. Banning

to sit at table 8,

and Julie and I will be way over at table 98.

I see. We'll be at table 8, and you'll be at table 98.

[Both laugh]

Hi, aunt Sylvia. Betsy.

Hi.

Now, Julie, did you make all the preparations just like I asked you to?

I certainly did.

And there's Mr. Banning

already seated at table 8.

Go get him, partner.

He won't get away this time.

Julie, where is our table 98?

Oh, right this way.

You know, aunt Sylvia, you never told me that

you and Betsy were old show business friends.

Oh, well, we used to sing and dance together in the follies.

'Course, I kicked much higher.

[Laughs]

But I am taller, don't you know.

Well, here we are.

Well, isn't this lovely!

Now, tell me, little Julie,

where are Betsy and Mr. Banning and table 8?

Here is table 8.

Hello, Sylvia.

Hello. Well, Betsy, you said yourself

that table 8 and table 98 were--

i mean, you are the mathematician.

Well, come on, girls, let me order some wine for all of us, huh?

Oh, I suppose so, Mr. Banning.

What would you like, Betsy?

Privacy!

Well, this isn't a very good year for privacy.

Is it, Mr. Banning?

[Laughs]

So now I know why Annie

burned her high school diary.

[Laughs] Oh, we were just kids then,

but I always did wonder something, Jeff.

Did you really run out of gas on prom night?

Hey, there was an energy crisis.

Not in the back seat, there wasn't.

[All laugh]

[Stubing] Ladies and gentlemen,

join us in the acapulco lounge for round one

of the international grand prix du vin.

[Chattering]

[Glass tinkling]

Ladies and gentlemen, if the contestants will take their places,

we will begin the first round of the $25,000 wine tasting competition.

Miss Blake, what are you doing up here?

I told them Allan Curtis sent me.

The enemy is getting prettier.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Elliott banning.

And welcome to the international grand prix du vin.

Tonight you will see experts from all over the world

in an exciting and extremely difficult test

of their knowledge of wine.

Now, for this first round,

each contestant has merely to identify the grape,

the country and the region in order to qualify for the next round,

which will be held tomorrow evening.

And so, to borrow a phrase from our friends in auto racing,

ladies and gentlemen, start your palates.

[Accordion music]

Not bad.

Insignificant.

[Slurps]

I like it.

Will the contestants please record their results?

Remember, the grape, the country and the region.

Not telling me you were in the contest was pretty sneaky.

But I still would like us to get better acquainted.

Thank you.

You have all the makings of a very good loser.

Thank you.

The answer is... The name of the grape was nebbiolo,

the country, Italy, and the region, barolo.

[Audience applauds]

And the vintage is 1971.

You're absolutely right, Mr. Van durling.

Now, five finalists qualifying for the next round.

They are miss Reed, Mr. Rand, Mr. Curtis,

Mr. Van durling and miss Blake.

[Audience applauds]

Nice going. I was afraid I was going to lose you.

Well, if you ever do, just look one jump ahead of you,

'cause that's where I'll be.

[Julie] Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Curaçao,

one of the most picturesque islands

in the Netherlands Antilles.

You can sign up for sightseeing launches in the purser's lobby.

Well?

Any mail for me?

Not yet.

I don't understand it.

Not only is pat haden a great quarterback,

but he seems like such a nice guy.

I mean, how could he do this to me,

the personal local president of the pat haden fan club.

Just a minute. This might be it!

Oh, I just knew he wouldn't let me down!

This is so exciting!

It's just an advertisement.

They're trying to sell me magazines.

Well, you could always buy one with pat haden's picture on the cover.

Maybe tomorrow.

Betsy, honey, are you still mad at me?

Of course I'm still mad at you.

So far, you've ruined every plan I've tried

to snag Mr. Elliott banning.

And don't tell me again,

"I didn't do any of it on purpose."

Because you can cause more damage by accident

than king Kong did when he was really trying.

I know what I'll do then.

I'll think of what king Kong would do

if he was trying to get you and Mr. Banning together.

And then, I'll do just exactly the opposite.

And I thought you weren't on the ball.

[Stubing] Attention, passengers.

Launches will be leaving from the port gangway

to take you to the main shopping district beginning in 15 minutes.

Be sure to see the famous walking bridge spanning the canal.

Or you may sign up in the purser's lobby

for our Curaçao luncheon tour.

Hello, ma'am. How are you?

Grab the handrail. Watch your step. Careful.

Excuse me. Good morning, you two.

Hey, Jeff, how are you?

Hi, Jeff.

I'm really sorry you didn't do better

in the wine tasting competition.

Ah, if you're gonna lose a contest,

i can't think of a better place of losing it

than the Caribbean.

I'm gonna take a tour of Curaçao.

You want to come along?

Sorry, Jeff.

Today's d-day.

Huh?

Divorce day.

Oh, you're getting it in Curaçao.

No.

Oh, no. It takes too long to get a divorce in Curaçao.

We're gonna take a short flight to where we can get a quick one.

We'll catch the ship tomorrow in Aruba.

That sounds like fun.

Why don't you meet us at that marketplace

in Aruba that Julie told us about. Say three o'clock?

Okay, it's a date. I'll see you then.

Next time you see us we'll be happily divorced.

Grab the handrail, ma'am.

Thank you.

Oop, sorry, sir, launch is full.

Yeah, but I'm with them.

I'm sorry.

They're with me.

We'll have the jaboulet vercherre beaujolais, 1979.

No, no, no, no, we'll have the napa valley zinfandel, 1978.

I resent that.

Hey, I happen to be the assistant manager

of the best winery in the napa valley.

And I happen to know as much about wine as you do.

You're right. You are a wine expert.

You're probably the second best wine expert at this table.

How would you like it if I got up

and you were the only wine expert at this table?

[Laughs] Don't be like that. I apologize.

Bad enough we have to compete with Van durling

without quibbling between ourselves.

So many things we could be doing that are more fun.

I agree.

Good.

[Sighs]

Now that we're friends again, let me explain to you about wine.

[Stubing] We hope you enjoyed your stay in lovely Curaçao.

Next stop, enchanting Aruba.

Ladies and gentlemen, we will be docking in a half hour.

Have a wonderful day exploring the island of Aruba

and its colorful open air markets.

[Laughs]

Ta-da!

Oh!

Oh, Kevin, it's beautiful.

Yeah. See that? Six shells. One for each of our divorces.

[Laughs]

Now, don't forget to read the card.

"Divorce is but a moment. Marriage is forever."

No, marriage just seems that way.

[Laughs]

Hey, when we get back to the ship,

what do you say we check out the casino?

Oh, Kevin, you promised you'd take me dancing tonight.

I'm sorry, Annie. Maybe Jeff will take you dancing.

I have a feeling that tonight is gonna be my lucky night.

That okay with you, Jeff?

Well, okay. As long as you promise

not to lose the money we save on taxes.

Oh.

[Stubing] Attention, please. The second round of our fabulous

wine tasting competition is now underway

in the acapulco lounge.

Now, in this second and more difficult round,

the contestants must not only know the grape,

the country and region of origin,

but they must also know the vintner.

Now, if everyone is ready, will you please taste the wine?

It's amazing how they can identify wine

from anywhere in the world with a single taste.

I'm kinda jealous.

I wish I could do that.

Now, now, Adam. No sour grapes.

As soon as we collect the results,

we will know which of our contestants is just one step closer

to the grand $25,000 prize.

Here we are, thank you.

Now the chosen wine this evening was a French gamay grape,

a burgundy from the beaujolais region,

and the vintner was Louis latour,

vintage 1979.

'79. Hmm.

Hmm.

Now, we have three who answered correctly.

Mr. Van durling, Mr. Curtis and miss Blake.

Our next competition will be tomorrow afternoon.

So until then, see you then.

That last wine was especially lovely.

I'll drink to that.

If you had the expertise of a true oenophile,

you would know that that wine was produced

from grapes that were grown too close to the road.

I like grapes that are grown too close to the road.

In fact, I like grapes that are grown in the middle of the road.

That way, they're already stomped.

That's very droll.

Well, I should love to continue this stellar conversation,

but regrettably, I have other plans for the evening.

[Sneezes]

She must be allergic to snobs.

[Stubing] We hope you enjoyed Aruba.

We will now be cruising towards the Panama canal.

[Dance music]

What do you mean?

I don't see what's wrong with going up

and asking the captain to dance.

Don't you think I should have done it

instead of you? [Laughs]

Jeff, you haven't changed a bit.

You're just as crazy as you were in high school.

That's ridiculous. I've grown up.

However...

I will now perform a trick previously attempted

only by the great wallenda.

Jeff, be careful.

Quit messing around, Jeff.

Fear not, I have everything under control.

[Screams]

Oh, no!

For my next trick, the great wallenda will now drown.

Come up out of there.

Whoo! Well, it's a nice night for a swim, anyway.

You are such a child. [Laughs]

No. No, no. You wouldn't.

I just wanna dance.

You wouldn't. No. You wouldn't.

Come on.

You would! You would!

Put me down, now. Come on. Please, don't throw me in the pool.

Annie, I wouldn't throw you in the pool.

Oh, no!

I will carry you into the pool.

No, Jeff. I'm gonna kill you. I'm really gonna kill you.

[Screams] No!

I think it looks better wet.

You're not as crazy as you were in high school!

You're crazier!

[Playing piano]

You know, Allan, when you play like that,

I like you more and more.

Thank you.

But I still think French wines

are far better than California wines.

You're wrong, and I can prove it to you.

How?

I've got a couple of bottles

of very delicate California wine

back in my cabin.

And if you don't like those,

i got a couple of bottles of bourbon.

Now Julie, are you absolutely positive

that everything is ready

for the midnight candlelight wine and dine

that I've arranged for Betsy and Mr. Banning?

Aunt Sylvia, don't worry about anything.

I've taken care of the whole thing.

Ah.

And I'll be sure they have the champagne in your cabin

at 10:30 exactly.

Oh, thank you, Isaac.

When Betsy marries Mr. Banning and becomes one

of the richest women in the world,

remind me to remind her

to give you a big tip.

All right!

[All laugh]

[Laughing]

Well, now I know why I don't do those crazy things anymore.

Because you get cold and wet.

Well, believe it or not,

I've had a wonderful time,

but I've gotta go. Good night, Jeff.

Where are you going?

I gotta find Kevin. He's got the key to our cabin.

Oh, no. You're not running around the ship in those wet clothes.

You're going to my cabin. We can call Kevin.

Oh. Okay. That sounds like a good idea.

[Both shivering]

Julie, I can't tell you how I appreciate you helping me

to set up this intimate midnight candlelight wine and dine

for Betsy and Mr. Banning.

Nothing has worked out according to Betsy's foolproof plan

to snare that cute Mr. Banning, and Betsy blames me.

But everything isn't always my fault.

I mean, look, when Grant took Richmond, we lost the war.

And I wasn't even in the neighborhood.

[Knocking]

That's Mr. Banning!

Betsy, Mr. Banning is here!

So stop being mad in the bathroom and come out

and enjoy your nice intimate midnight candlelight wine and dine.

Julie, would you please let Mr. Banning in?

Sure.

Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

Now, Betsy, you just come and sit down right over here

because you are the guest of honor.

Mr. Banning.

Surely you know my dear, sweet friend

miss Betsy boucher.

[Banning] Nice to see you again, miss boucher.

Sit down, Mr. Banning, please.

Oh, now, please, please, please call me Elliott.

Oh, no, Elliott.

I think it much wiser if I call you Mr. Banning.

As you like.

Now you two just have a wonderful time together.

Let's go, Julie.

[Knocking]

Now, whoever could that be?

Hi! [Chuckles]

You don't remember us?

We're the Norman axelrods.

You invited us for drinks.

Great balls of fire!

That was before I had this intimate midnight candlelight wine and dine idea.

Well, come in for a quick, quick drink.

What'll you both have? What'll you all have?

Anything.

Anything for me too.

Julie, honey, would you please give them two anythings.

[Knocking]

Who could that be?

Hi. We're the Alexanders.

Line up over there.

With this many people I'm surprised you didn't get a bartender.

[Knocking]

Sorry I'm late.

There are only four people. They can play bridge.

Here you are. This'll keep you warm.

Thank you. Any luck finding Kevin?

No, no. I called all over, he just wasn't anywhere.

Well, we'll just have to keep trying.

Oh, hey, thanks for lending me your shirt.

I couldn't have stood another minute in that wet dress.

Believe me. The pleasure is all mine.

[Annie laughs]

Kevin.

I thought I'd find you here.

Hey, Kevin, you missed all the fun.

Yeah, I'll bet I did.

Hey, wait a minute, Kevin, you don't think that--

think? I don't have to think!

I can see with my own two eyes!

Boy, am I glad we got that divorce.

Kevin!

[Sighs]

[Chattering]

I've been to the most wonderful party.

And I want to give my best thanks to the hostess.

Oh, Mr. Banning, you could sweep a girl right off her feet.

That is if she wasn't already off her feet.

[Both laugh]

Kevin? What time did you make it in last night?

What do you care?

I came right back here and waited for you.

I wanted to explain about last night.

It wasn't what you thought.

There's no need to explain.

Kevin...

You have to believe me. Nothing happened

between Jeff and me.

I know what I saw, and what I saw wasn't nothing.

Oh, honey, we fell in the pool.

We were in his cabin drying off.

[Scoffs] With a "do not disturb" sign hung on the door?

Right.

What?

Now, look, don't play dumb with me.

And don't expect me to believe a...

Dumb story like that.

Well, it's not a dumb story. It's the truth.

And I do expect you to believe me.

I'm your wife, remember?

I remember.

You're the one who forgot last night.

You really don't believe me, do you?

You bet I don't.

You think that after all these years of marriage

i would have a sleazy affair behind your back?

You didn't even have the courtesy to do it behind my back.

There's no reason to continue this conversation.

Marriage is nothing without trust. If you don't trust me,

i don't want to be married to you anymore.

[Door slams]

Well, that's fine with me!

[Yells] Oh!

[Stubing] Well, passengers, this is it,

the highlight of our cruise, the Panama canal.

What a wondrous sight.

The Panama canal is 50 miles long

and 110 feet wide in the locks.

This monument to mankind's ingenuity

and determination took more than ten years to build.

The canal is a man-made shortcut

that takes 8,000 miles off our journey

from the Caribbean to the pacific,

allowing us to travel in eight hours

what once took three weeks.

On October 18, 1903, under president Theodore Roosevelt,

the United States and Panama signed the Panama canal treaty

authorizing the construction of this engineering marvel.

Your island Princess has now been raised 85 feet

as we continue our southeasterly course

through this modern wonder of American initiative and ingenuity.

Hi, Vicki.

Hi.

Make sure the captain sees these, will you?

Oh, yeah, sure.

What are you doing in here?

Why aren't you out looking at the Panama canal?

I'll see it later.

Right now I'm looking in this sports magazine

to see if I can find myself a new hero

to replace you-know-who.

Oh, pat haden's getting the old ax-a-Rooney, huh?

Please! Don't mention that name in my presence.

Because as far as I'm concerned, there is no pat haden.

Well, if there isn't, the rams are in a lot of trouble this year.

[Stubing] We are now entering gatun lake,

a man-made marvel almost 24 miles long.

It marks the halfway point through the canal.

[Julie] The semifinals of the wine tasting competition

are now underway on the starlight deck.

What you see here is a feat of incredible concentration.

Now, these people have devoted their lives

to understanding the most subtle nuances of bouquet and flavor.

[Sneezes, clears throat]

Well, now we will collect the results and find out who our finalists are, hmm?

Thank you. Thank you.

Ah, let's see now.

Two of our contestants have answered correctly.

Uh... miss Marion Blake!

And Mr. Allan Curtis!

[Sneezing]

Brave try, Mr. Van durling.

It all tasted like insect repellent.

That's right! But what year?

Well, looks like it's you and me, babe.

No, it's you against me, babe.

Well, this Panama canal is the most amazing thing that I have ever seen.

Stop changing the subject.

Betsy, I told you before, in all honesty,

that finding your best friend down on her hands and knees

being kissed by the man that you hope to trap into marriage,

who's also down on his hands and knees, was not what it seemed to be.

What was it, then?

Let me put it this way,

if a grown man and a grown woman

are both down on their hands and knees,

there's not a great deal for them to do down there

except look for somebody's contact lens.

Or to, so to speak, as you might say, kiss.

And since nobody had lost a contact lens...

Exactly!

Betsy, as your former follies partner, I swear, scout's honor,

that if Mr. Banning so much as says a mumbling word

to me this afternoon,

I will get myself up

and throw myself overboard.

Well, here's your chance.

Hello, everybody.

Excuse me,

but half of "everybody" is leaving right now.

Won't you join me for lunch, Mr. Banning?

I was just about to order.

Hmm?

Oh, thanks.

You know, Julie tells me that Sylvia

has been in many Broadway musical comedies.

Of course she has.

As my understudy.

Oh, you sing too, do you?

[Laughs] Oh, yes.

If you like singers,

I might arrange to sing a chorus or two

this evening in the acapulco lounge.

Would you like that?

Yes. Of course.

[Stubing] Passengers, don't miss the sunset at gatun locks.

It's a sight to remember.

[Knocking]

I got your message.

Come on in.

I just wanted to make sure

that our competing wouldn't hurt our friendship.

Don't worry, it won't.

Something wrong?

No. No. Nothing.

Come on, you can tell me. We just said we'd be friends.

[Crying] I just got off the phone with my father.

He's all right, isn't he?

Oh, he's fine. But mom's in bad shape.

She's been ill for some time, but we didn't think it'd get this bad.

And now she needs an operation.

Your mother?

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it's not the kind of thing

you go around telling everybody.

I guess I'll just have to win the contest,

so I can help my father pay for the surgery.

[Knocking]

Radiogram for you, Mr. Curtis.

Thanks, gopher.

I'm afraid it's bad news, sir. I was there when it came in.

I was expecting it. Thank you, gopher.

Oh, Allan, what is it?

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Really. Just a delayed bon voyage.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Look, I have some things to take care of.

I'll see you on deck later.

[Stubing] In one hour we'll complete our journey through the Panama canal.

This is your last chance to glimpse this wondrous sight.

Betsy, you're gonna look just gorgeous in that dress

when you're singing in the show tonight.

Julie has arranged everything.

I do look gorgeous, don't I?

And I'll be in the spotlight all by myself.

Mr. Banning won't be able to look at anybody but me.

And don't you wear anything while I'm singing

that'll make you look gorgeous.

Betsy, I won't even come to the show.

I'll stay right here in our cabin

where I can't do anything wrong.

No, you better come to the show.

You can do too many things wrong when you're someplace

where you can't do anything wrong.

You're right.

I'll go someplace

where I know I can't do anything wrong,

where I'm absolutely certain I can't do anything wrong.

Where's that?

Well, I don't know. I thought you'd know.

Come to the show.

[Laughs]

Oh, gopher, I can't get over Allan's terrible news.

Oh, yeah.

The news in that telegram was terrible, wasn't it?

Well... Well, actually maybe not, if he gets a good lawyer.

That's right. A lawyer who specializes in, uh...

Well, foreclosure.

Right, foreclosure.

Boy, Mr. Curtis is taking it awfully well, though.

I don't think I'd take it that well if I lost my home.

His home, huh? Thanks, gopher.

[Stubing] I hope you enjoyed your voyage

through the magnificent Panama canal.

Now enjoy an evening of dining and dancing under the stars.

[Upbeat music]

Hey there, Annie.

You and Kevin get everything straightened out last night?

What's the matter?

You didn't get everything straightened out, did you?

Oh, that's terrible.

What's the big idea of putting the "do not disturb" sign on the door?

[Sighs]

I guess seeing you again after all these years

stirred up a lot

of old feelings.

Boy, I'm really sorry.

I don't suppose there's anything I can do to make it up to you.

Well, not unless you could find me a place to stay tonight.

There's not an empty cabin on the ship.

And I can't stay with Kevin.

Well, why don't you stay in my cabin?

You gotta be kidding.

No. I mean it. I won't be using it.

I've got a heavy date tonight. I swear, honest.

Well, I guess I don't have much choice, do I?

Thanks.

Okay, here's the key to my cabin.

Now I have to go do something.

But I'll see you tomorrow.

Please, don't worry.

Everything's gonna work out.

You'll see.

[Julie] Attention, please. The last round for the wine tasting competition

is now underway in the acapulco lounge.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it all comes down

to the fifth and final wine.

I can't place this one.

[Audience groans]

Well, I'm afraid Mr. Curtis

is out of the competition.

Well, now, miss Blake,

if you can correctly identify this wine,

you will win the grand prix du vin

and the $25,000.

[Audience murmuring]

Châteauneuf-du-pape!

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, the correct answer is château lafite.

[Audience groans, applauds]

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever

in the $25,000 grand prix du vin,

there is no winner!

You mean we don't get to split the prize?

Sorry.

[Audience applauds]

Kevin?

You!

Don't hit. Don't.

I just came by to tell you how sorry I am

about what happened to you and Annie.

I'll bet.

No, I mean it.

I feel terrible about what happened.

I just wondered if there was anything I could do.

You know, if you needed someone to talk to

or drink with

or if you need a place to stay tonight.

You gotta be kidding.

No, I mean it.

Well... come to think of it, I can't go back to that cabin.

Listen, here's my key.

You can stay in my cabin.

And I want you to take the bed.

I'll sleep on the couch.

Now, look, i--

I insist.

Come on. It's the least I can do.

See you later?

Hang in there, Kevin.

[Gopher] Now, ladies and gentlemen,

for your late night entertainment,

it's showtime in the acapulco lounge.

[Piano playing]

I see you wore something to throw the spotlight on me.

It was the simplest thing I could find.

A girl will have to make do.

Sylvia, I haven't sung in so long.

I am nervous!

Now, Betsy,

you have absolutely no right to be nervous.

But so much depends on Mr. Banning liking me

and my singing.

Oh, well, if you put it that way,

I guess you have every right

to be very nervous.

Thank you very much.

What is that?

Oh, this is a glass

of my own aunt sissy's secret potion.

I drink it whenever I get nervous.

I got butterflies hoping so that you would do well in the show tonight,

so I made a little for myself.

What's in it?

Oh, it's a little grenadine,

a half a cup of buttermilk,

the moisture from a magnolia petal and a Georgia peach pit.

Excuse me, Betsy,

you ready to be introduced?

[Sighs] I guess so. I am nervous.

Now, you go ahead and introduce her, Julie.

She'll be fine.

[Band plays fanfare]

[Audience applauds]

Give me some of that.

Tonight we have a very special surprise for you.

A singer who's done many Broadway musicals,

miss Betsy boucher.

Go on, Betsy.

[Band repeats fanfare]

Betsy, go on.

[Hiccups]

Go out.

[Band repeats fanfare]

[Hiccups]

Great balls of fire!

[Indistinct]

Jeff, if you think I'm getting in that bed with you,

you're out of your mind.

You've already broken up my marriage with Kevin

because he thinks something happened last night.

Now I know why you wanted me to stay here.

Just another one of your stupid stunts.

Well, your last stunt cost me the man I love.

I'm getting out of here.

Annie, wait.

Kevin? What are you doing here?

I didn't think you'd want me staying with you,

so Jeff said I could use his cabin.

Well, that's the same thing he told me.

[Sighs]

Sweetheart, I was wrong.

I never should have mistrusted you.

Well, I-I guess things did look a little suspicious.

Just a little.

Can you forgive me?

Of course I can.

I promise from now on I'll always trust you.

I know you will.

Let's go back to our cabin.

It's a lot easier to trust you there.

[Laughs]

There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

I thought you said you knew about wine.

I do.

Then your palate must have been completely out to lunch

for that last round.

I don't remember you doing any better.

I was trying to let you win so you'd have money

for your mother's operation.

Don't be silly, Allan. My mother's fine.

Right now she's water skiing in Florida.

You mean you were conning me?

I'm so ashamed.

I played on your sympathy so that you'd throw the contest.

But when I learned about your house I realized that

what I was doing was just not right.

The radiogram was a hoax.

I don't deserve your forgiveness.

I let the thought of winning just get to me, and...

The radiogram was a hoax?

Yeah.

I sent it to myself.

But when you told me about your mother,

I couldn't go through with it.

You! I could have won that contest!

I knew every one of those wines!

You knew those wines? [Scoffs]

Two of them were from my winery.

[Both laugh]

Oh, that money.

I guess we were so busy being unselfish

that we wound up hurting each other.

And ourselves.

Well, right now, I'm going to do the most selfish thing I can possibly think of.

I'm going to take you in my arms and kiss you.

Mm. You just keep right on being selfish.

Sylvia, I cannot tell you how pleased I am

that you asked me to walk around the deck with you.

This is the first chance I've had to be alone with you.

Oh, well, Mr. Banning, just so you don't start getting any wrong ideas,

there are still three of us here.

Oh?

Well, I knew I was getting older, but I didn't know I was losing my eyesight.

What I mean, Mr. Banning, is that Betsy had this really foolproof plan,

and I have been just messing and messing and messing it up.

What was this foolproof plan of Betsy's?

Well, Betsy and I agreed that the first part

of her foolproof plan was that you and she

fall madly, passionately in love with each other.

You and Betsy, that is. Together.

Well, somebody certainly messed up that plan,

because I just haven't fallen in love with Betsy.

Well, she's a nice gal, but I haven't fallen in love with her.

Betsy's right. It's all my fault.

What was the rest of Betsy's plan?

Then... please, help me, Mr. Banning,

to make this clear.

Part two of Betsy's foolproof plan

was that after you and Betsy fell madly and passionately in love

that she could become one of the richest women in america.

So, Mr. Banning, even if part one of Betsy's foolproof plan

about you two falling madly, passionately in love

didn't work out,

what can we do

about getting her married

to you and making her one of the richest women in america?

I'm a good sport. I'd be prepared to consider helping out,

except for one thing.

It's always something, isn't it, Mr. Banning?

Are you so inclined to tell me what that one little thing might be?

I'm already getting married.

[Laughs] Well...

That's the trouble with foolproof plans, isn't it, Mr. Banning?

Other people have other plans.

Will you marry me?

Mr. Banning, I have never been so shocked in all my life.

Is that big stone a real diamond?

[Laughs] Yes, it's a real diamond.

Well, that being the case, Mr. Banning,

after I get over my initial shock, I shall be even more shocked if I don't say yes.

In the meantime, you better put it on my finger so you don't misplace it.

[Both laugh]

Goodbye, doc. Thank you for everything.

I'm just sorry that after all those rounds

of wine tasting, nobody won.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Goodbye, Mr. Van durling.

[Sneezes]

It's too bad he had to lose by default.

Default?

De fault of that cold she gave him.

Well, you two look well rested.

It must have been a relaxing cruise.

Well, let's just say it was quite an experience.

Boy, that's for sure.

[All laugh]

Thanks for everything.

Sure.

Thanks, Isaac.

Bye-bye.

There you are.

[Kevin] Hey, Jeff.

Looks like you two got everything worked out.

Yes. Your little scheme worked.

In fact, we're on our way to get married right now.

I thought you were going to wait

until after you filed your taxes.

You were gonna save all that money.

We're all through with divorces.

We're not taking any more chances on losing each other again.

Bye, Jeff.

Uh--

Goodbye. I hope you had a nice time.

Vicki. Something just came for you in the mail.

Oh, probably just another ad for a magazine.

Oh, golly, I don't think so. It's from the Los Angeles rams.

It's pat haden! He wrote me! He sent me a picture!

Oh, I knew he would! I just knew he would!

What's the matter?

He didn't autograph it.

Well, that's because I didn't know how you wanted me to sign it.

It's pat haden!

I kept trying to send you my picture,

but you move around so fast,

it kept getting returned.

Here.

"To Vicki, my girl in every port."

Wow! Thanks!

Oh, sure. Listen, I've got to hurry back now.

Halftime is almost over.

Bye.

Bye.

Later, big guy.

So, Vicki, pat haden your hero again?

I'll say.

But I hope his wife doesn't find out he kissed me.

Come see us again.

Thank you for sailing with us.

Oh, aunt Sylvia!

Oh.

Elliott. Don't you two forget to invite me to the wedding.

Oh, of course you're invited to the wedding,

as my maid of honor.

And you are invited, too, captain.

I'd be delighted to come.

After all, I'd never even have met Elliott

if it hadn't been for your cruise.

And my plan.

Oh, Betsy.

Oh, Julie, don't feel sorry for me.

Mr. Banning is going to set me up in a chain of boutiques.

Well, that's the least I could do, isn't it,

for a nice lady whose plan--

foolproof plan!

Foolproof plan brought me your aunt Sylvia.

And guess what? For our honeymoon, Elliott is taking me

for a trip around the world.

Really?

I'm so excited.

I've never been there.