Original subtitles

LOL: LAST ONE LAUGHING POLAND

Watch out. It's hot. Someone wanted coffee.

Holy Mother, man, you scared me.

Here comes a card.

If it's for me because you scared me, that's not fair.

I wonder, who is it.

Jeez!

It might be me.

-He scared me. -No.

Quiet. It's Czarek.

-With him, it's not gonna... -No comments, Jerzy.

-Excuse me... -Quiet.

Dear friends...

In a moment you will see the crime scene recording.

Here you go.

They went all the way there to laugh? Come on, guys...

-Who? Both of them? -Both.

-Both gentlemen. -No...

-Seriously? -Jerzy, see? You are fu... laughing.

Man.

-Man! -Jerzy?

Yellow card. Maciej? Yellow card.

He said something. I don't even recall. A silly joke.

Something about garlic perhaps? That I should add garlic to coffee.

It made me laugh. And it wasn't even funny.

It was a brief moment.

That was enough.

You lose focus, get distracted... It just takes a second.

-Jerzy? -She is sly.

-Sonia sent you to get coffee, right? -Yep. You see... It was on purpose.

So, if we want something to drink, we should ask you.

Sure. Water, coffee, tea. Now tea.

-There is some juice as well. -Listen.

We've got to watch her. She sent him.

"Bring me coffee." And the two of them...

-You get it? -Well...

-Man... -But did he use the signal already?

There was no ringing. Or was there?

And we'll go with the green.

Jeez, here it comes.

-Attaboy. Congratulations. -Thanks a lot.

It was before his time... Here he comes with a drink.

Zosia, you are getting closer, darling.

-And what are you doing? -I'm cooking, see?

Guacamole?

I went to the kitchen to take a look,

there was garlic, stinky, and guacamole.

And for a moment I thought

that kitchen is a natural habitat of Master Chef Magda Gessler.

-That's not how you make guacamole. -Really?

Maciej makes this face...

Trying not to smile.

I've been in many Spanish restaurants

and I know exactly

how real guacamole should be made.

-What you need to do is tap. -My Granny...

-Something fell from your nose. -From my...

Sometimes I do have a runny nose.

Excuse me.

I had similar stuff in my knickers when I woke up today.

No...

-Cool, it's sexy. -Sexy?

Yeah, I've got that.

I like you. The way you are.

Sonia, you've got a problem.

Jerzy was very serious.

Scowled.

Whittled his stick all the time.

Whittled and scowled.

"It's not funny at all.

"What the hell am I doing here?"

Look at him. A supposedly adult man...

and he behaves like a scout?

The stick is involved in a situation

which goes back to long before the war.

I whittle the stick.

Right?

And you can ask me now, "Why do you whittle the stick?"

-Why do you whittle the stick? -Right. And I answer.

You see, I whittle the stick,

because if i die tomorrow, you'll say,

"And just yesterday he was whittling his stick."

-That's why I do it. -It's so deep.

See.

I was under the impression that it was a funny show. Perhaps I was wrong.

It just got very serious. Still funny.

Oh, a performance by the actor,

Piotr Stramowski.

He is getting ready.

-Good, bravo! -Let's go.

Come everybody, let's see it!

-Come on! -No!

-Hi. -Hey.

Here it comes. Listen.

-In general, I... -Can you hand it to me?

I'd like to read you an autobiography.

-At last. -So simple.

-Oh, mummy. -Let's begin with...

Here you go. I Am Not Mister Blot by Piotr Fronczewski.

Jeez.

Autobiography.

"I'm telling her, I want raspberry tomatoes

"and four pickled cucumbers,

"and this lovely lady tells me

"that I've got a voice like Piotr Fronczewski.

"I smiled,

"and I told her that I actually am King Bruce Lee Karate Master."

All right!

-Well, mister... -Huge talent.

This tree will bring forth fruit.

-Kasia, what do you think? -Some plums, definitely.

-Bogusław Linda. -Linda, wait, Linda!

Fasten your belts.

Adam doesn't seem ready for this.

I Don't Feel Like Writing This.

Oh, no.

-It's gonna be rough. -"On the movie set, the director asks me,

"'What are we going to call it? The title was supposed to be Cats.'

"But I told him, 'What cats? It's about cops, let's call it Pigs.'"

Bravo!

Not funny at all.

For me, it was extremely hard to survive.

And listen, I've got this... Michael Jackson.

-No! -Billie Jean...

-Don't do it. -...Is Not My Love.

And?

Bravo!

Brilliant!

Piotr is a funny guy, I did not know that.

-Cool, I could not read it so well. -Bravo.

-Great. -Thanks, I'll see you around.

-Bravo! -Thank you very much.

Wow.

The man has it all, right?

Look. He is funny and handsome. Please.

It's some exotic mix.

I had this intuition with whom I could horse around,

and whom I could crack up.

Zosia for sure was on my target list.

-Zosia? -Don't talk to me.

Can you help me in the kitchen?

Come, we'll slice some onions together.

I like onions. I definitely like onions.

A lot. Onions are...

-Zosia... -Maciej is extremely dangerous.

Extremely.

It's like he's smiling without moving his mouth.

A very tough contender.

-Are you going to eat it? -Yep.

-Just warming it up. -Pity.

Oh, mother.

Is there anything a human wouldn't do to make another human laugh?

I am interested in you for tonight.

-It's her color. -One second.

-I'll be back. -I thought about sucking.

-I'd get ready, you know. -I'll be right back.

-Zosia... -Okay.

Interesting. Zosia's in the changing room. She seems to run on fumes.

Fine.

Stop! Come back.

What's you name? Drac, come here.

Drac, come to mamma.

-Come, I am talking to you. -Look!

Aspen stick?

-Vampire al dente. -Michał...

It wasn't supposed to be a vampire, it was supposed to be a walrus.

You know, a huge seal.

I have no idea why I went with the vampire. No idea at all.

Do not laugh.

Don't do it, girl.

There are cobwebs on my holes

In my veins a virginal current flows

A pinhead electrician Wanted something to do

And installed me here That's a huge mistake

I'm ready for some voltage

But no one seems to fit in

Although there are many Who want to plug in

I think I am going to cry.

Is it a dream or is it really happening?

Andrzej Wrona, in private Zosia's husband.

Andrzej in a speed skater costume.

-You want to finish me off. -A riot.

Hundreds of sockets I have seen in my life

But there was none Who would give me a charge

Virginal Plugin they call me all day

I'll end up alone

In a drawer, okay

What a handsome fellow, and how very long

She is white as a snowflake I ask who she is

Suddenly really it occurred to me

He will be my husband, oh yes

With her, I can stay Till my warranty ends

-Oh, no! -I can't believe it.

I mourn and I cry As I sing this song

My pin has proven a little too long

What now?

Wait.

Well, it's not the end. They still don't fit.

Please, I don't want to see him plugging it in...

Will we pass this test of true love?

To deal with a disaster, for you

I'll use an adapter

It's so silly!

Yet, so funny.

The perfect fit, integrity

We will blow breakers in the whole city.

This number almost got me.

A perfect stage song for the festival in Wrocław. When? Tomorrow. Fine.

-That was great. -Yes.

It will be shown in schools

during sex ed.

Why an adapter?

This is for Polish schools in Canada, in the US...

-They have English there. -That's why you need an adapter.

You need an adapter to get anywhere.

But isn't the adapter an allusion to contraception?

Exactly.

Do not use the "c" word. We don't need...

Bravo!

-Cunning woman. She brought a husband. -Where is the adapter-man?

-Adam? -Yes?

-Did you like it? -Listen. The thing is, I...

-I'll tell you... -Zosia, are you Zosia?

Listen, I am a movie producer. I'm gonna shoot this movie.

Adam's hair, when you touch it, it is like a dream.

-Zosia, I have to... -Can I suck your earlobe?

No.

I'm sorry, Andrzej.

We don't do this.

Am I talking to an actor? I've got a movie to shoot.

Everybody fondles Adam.

You are an actress, too. You can be in the movie. Or I'll take your sister.

-I'll tell you something, Zosia. -Calm down.

Move along.

-It's boiling. -Hello!

-I can, you know... -Hello! Whose pasta is this?

-Some Italian guy's, surely. -Your pasta is boiling over.

-Can I sit here too? -Yes.

I know, I am a movie producer

-and everybody wants to be in my movie. -You are the producer?

Adam was supposed to be the producer.

No, I will not engage at all.

Don't you get it? I wanted to talk to an actor.

-Not necessarily. -Are you an actress too?

What do you sing? I don't know.

Like a small family.

I think that we have overdone it...

Adam?

-Do you need help? -No.

-Now, Jerzy? -I have to offer you this role.

Give me this man for a moment.

-Let the man go when they ask for him. -I'll be right back, girls.

I'll wipe it.

I am good at wiping. I see right away if it's wet or dry.

I look now and I know. It's wet.

I just came upon one of the most beautiful love poems.

And you want...

I want you to read it, but please give it all you've got.

Good.

-You did learn poetry in school? -I did.

-You did go to school? -Yep.

Listen, I'll tell you. I am a movie producer, I am shooting a movie.

The movie's title is Golden-haired Warsaw.

-Something for me, really. -I was just thinking that.

What scenes would I have?

-Quite simple, you know. -Adult content?

No. Just a bareback horse ride.

You ride a horse. Bareback.

Naked.

That's the first scene. The second...

It's in Warsaw, so you are in the Palace of Culture,

and you jump from the top floor with a parachute.

Quiet, please!

He seems nervous.

Where will you be comfortable? Better come here, you know...

Not on the stage. Come here, it will be more intimate.

-You stand, okay? -I'm scared.

-When will you be ready? -I am ready now.

Poem by Adam Asnyk. Read by Adam...

May I present you?

Adam Woronowicz. Adam Asnyk.

Bravo.

Adam Asnyk.

There Was Nothing Between Us.

Right.

"There was nothing between us No confessions, no professions"

A little slower.

-I'm sorry, I... -Let him start over again.

Perfect. The actor interprets, and he goes, "A little slower."

Slower.

He started too fast, and lost all the rhythm.

I mean it to be...

I beg you.

Adam did go to school. You did, you told me so, right?

Adam did go to school.

Adam Woronowicz. Adam Asnyk.

There Was Nothing... I'll say the title.

-There Was Nothing... -Wait!

You wait!

Adam Woronowicz. Adam Asnyk.

There Was Nothing Between Us.

-We knew it already. -Between who?

You two.

If there was nothing, you wouldn't repeat it so many times.

"There was

"nothing between us"

Bravo.

"No confessions...

"No...

"professions

"We really have shared nothing

"Perhaps just in the spring

"There were some false dreams"

Adam is up the creek without a paddle now. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.

Can you start from the beginning? The damn thing is out of tune.

Okay.

One more time, listen up.

-But you have to present it again. -Adam Woronowicz. Adam Asnyk. Come on...

Let's do this project, okay.

Michał, you've got one yellow card.

I felt it from my head, somewhere inside that...

Now.

"There was nothing between us

"No confessions, no professions

"We really have shared nothing

"Perhaps just in the spring There were some false dreams"

It came up that Jerzy was born to play the recorder.

Kind of funny, because Jerzy does not strike me as a recorder player.

When you look up close, perhaps you can feel the breath of a recorder player,

but from a distance, I could never tell.

"Perhaps this clear creek

"From which our hearts could drink"

-Is it much longer? -Almost finished.

"Perhaps those primroses, moonflowers

-"There was nothing between us" -There was nothing...

-Beautiful, stirring. -Powerful!

I have this author in high regard.

Adam Asnyk-Woronowicz. High regard.

-Someone is cooking pasta? -Someone.

Without the timer... Is it going to be overcooked?

-Jeez. -Jesus.

Got you.

-Hi, Czarek. -It's going to be a woman.

No, don't do it...

-What do you think? -Simple.

-No! -Yellow or red?

-Yellow! -Yellow!

-Quiet! -Wait.

Czarek, do you have to?

You'll see what not to do in this show and you will remember.

You still have a few more hours.

Would you care to watch?

-Yes. -Ladies and gentlemen, just for you.

He's got a problem with me again?

See.

Man!

When I saw the recording, my first thought was,

"Boy, what a huge double chin I've got."

I never noticed his smile. I was surprised

that he got the yellow card.

-Obvious. -It was obvious.

I knew I did it.

We've got five thousand cameras here.

At least one had to catch it, especially that it was so...

They are so a nice. I pity them.

The cards... Perhaps I'll throw them away? And we'll stay here all night.

You know what's best? Sonia first sent you there for coffee

and you got caught, and I went there for her pasta.

-She'll finish off us all. -Yep.

Exactly, with trifles like that.

You've got to have fun. You've got to confront people.

Back to the game.

Jesus, already. Fine.

You actually cannot smile.

Today one noodle did it.

He had a noodle in his hand. He smiled. And that was it.

Exactly.

Sonia is preparing for her performance. Bah!

No. Holy moly.

Oh snap.

She did her homework.

It's gonna be huge.

Merino!

-It's the same merino... -Merino, as sure as gun.

Then I noticed...

that trees were not moving.

Thank you and good bye.

Excuse me, guys.

She needs adapter.

Okay, one more time in a bit.

-Good. -Forgive me, okay?

-Excuse me, the curtain! -The curtain!

Cool sheep. Short story, but cool.

That was very funny. Listen to me, very funny.

-This is not the end, I think. -This is the end.

-That's what she'd prepared? -Might be bait.

Was it supposed to be like that or not at all?

Holy smoke. Sonia said she had those extra gigs.

She was proud of them.

-It was cool, really. -Super. Cool sheep.

You know what's awesome? Now we want something.

-Want something. -Anything.

Now do a horizontal cartwheel.

-Very good. -I hit the floor hard.

Extremely painful.

Adam is getting ready.

He's a cosmonaut.

-Oh my. -Oh.

-No. -Oh no.

No.

Welcome. Hello.

Go away, Adam. Please.

Let's focus, really.

Hi, Adam.

He is dangerous and should be avoided,

but we are not allowed to avoid performances.

I won this casting.

-For terminator. -All I can tell

it's a sequel.

I will not tell you what movie. Takes place in outer space.

Nightmare. I'm finished.

The costume is not much, but it's a Polish movie, and it cost 70,000.

I brought the costume here to get the feel of it.

Great costume, great role.

Great engagement. I envy him the role in such a great movie.

But, most importantly.

I need Maciej and Piotr here

-for coordination. -Yes, sir.

They tell me that in this costume,

I'll penetrate walls.

Cool.

This button here. Top notch electronics.

They brought it here by sea.

-From America. -From China.

I have to learn to do everything in this costume. Run, walk.

-How about sex? -Fight.

I have to practice it all. Now, I want to check if I will penetrate a wall.

Ambitious.

I must practice. Straight from here I am going to the movie set.

-Sure. -How can I help?

You know how to practice. If something goes wrong

-you just catch me. -Okay.

He had madness in his eyes,

which he needed to relieve. I knew he was going to get physical.

-I penetrate metal. -Do you?

-Got to believe it. -What about your lamps?

I should go through into the elevator.

What if it doesn't work?

Hold. Careful with the costume!

-Watch out. -Don't wreck it. Put me on the floor!

Don't wreck...

We mustn't wreck the costume!

Don't wreck the costume!

Don't wreck it!

It's okay, Adam.

Not bad at all.

Adam, hold my sausage!

-Wait. -I've got it.

I tried to look the other way. I struggled not to see it.

And it went on forever.

It was the longest five seconds in my life.

Adam, quick, the sausage. You must regain strength.

-...it's wrecked. -They'll patch it up, Adam.

Don't think about it now.

I only ask who's gonna call Kubrick and tell him it's wrecked.

Take a bite, Adam. Really, don't worry.

-I'm sorry, Adam. -You will get this role.

Bring some glue.

I think Adam won't get a role in Poland ever again.

The costume is all wrecked. Never mind.

Thanks for your fu... help.

Relax, really.

-Please. -I know, the emotions. But Adam...

Bummer.

You know what's impressive? He never let the sausage go.

-Who? -Adam.

-He fell, and someone held out a sausage. -Yes, it was Paweł.

-Bravo, Paweł. -But he...

It didn't help. What, "Bravo"? It didn't help.

Did it happen to you? You gave someone a sausage, and it helped?

Happens to me every other day.

It's time for a heavy blow. Figuratively and literally.

Something they never expected.

-In tune. -Pumping.

-Who is this? -Who's this?

Joanna Jędrzejczyk, MMA, Muay Thai,

kick boxing and boxing champion.

I wonder whom she will knock out today.

-Ms. Halina. -Ms. Joanna. I watched all your fights.

Well, maybe not all, they are usually late at night,

but I watched whenever I could.

Did she come out of the fridge?

-Yes. -She must be training there.

Fridge toughens you up.

She doesn't hear us.

-She's in another dimension. -Hello?

-She doesn't hear us. -Hello?

See? She's behind seven walls.

Damn, you know what's there?

Yep. You shouldn't steal sausages.

It's difficult to stay serious like that.

Thank you!

Excuse me, it is not how you use it.

She will mix it, drink it and then she will beat us up.

Is this guacamole?

-Off she went. -With the green stuff.

We don't know if it was Michał Szpak or Joanna Jędrzejczyk,

-they look similar. -They are siblings.

What? Who is?

Szpak and Joanna.

-They look alike. -They are siblings?

-Regular siblings... -Yes.

They are from the same town. They don't know about this miller guy.

No, you are making this up.

Don't you see, they look alike.

And now Joanna Jędrzejczyk on stage.

-Attention! -Yes.

-It's for us, I guess. -Let us welcome...

-the legendary... -Zosia, help me.

Joanna

Jędrzejczyk!

LOL: LAST ONE LAUGHING POLAND

This will be the time of your lives...

IN NEXT EPISODES

This appeals to me.

-Preserve my dignity. -We've got a problem.

You are the chosen ones!