Original subtitles

This is my town, but in reality it is a small town

that has nothing to envy other cities in our country.

We have a good level of industrial development,

we have a soccer team that, even if it plays in the C series,

is like a series A. We have six players disqualified for life!

Of this model town I am the first citizen.

Antonietta Pescucci, do you take Arturo Brambilloni as your husband?

I do!

Arturo Brambilloni, do you take Antonietta Pescucci as your wife?

I'd like you to think about it. Marriage is an important bond.

When for 30 years you find yourself in front of the same faces,

it gets tough. If you have a baby, do you throw him away?

All right. Arturo Brambilloni, do you take Antonietta Pescucci as your wife?

I do!

Since love blinds you,

in the name of the Italian Republic I declare you living freaks...

- Husband and wife. - Thank you, Mr. Mayor!

We go to lock ourselves in the room!

Bravo! Bravo!

- Did you celebrate, Mr. Mayor? - Yes, I committed a crime.

Everything here sucks, even the bride and groom.

Sign form 31.

Don't say that.

It is a great satisfaction to feel like a mayor, isn't it?

Here there are 200,000 citizens, that is, 200,000 pains in my butt.

Other than satisfaction!

Who made me do it

to be mayor?

I had my insurance job

with just as many concerns and just as many pains in my butt.

You have to call Mr. Perucchetti for his life insurance policy.

- Isn't he 95 years old? - 98.

Then you have to hurry up.

Listen, Cristina. I would like the phone here.

Here it is needed, there not.

Meucci invented it to put it there or here?

- To put it there. - Yes, here in front.

- Good morning, sir. - What did Giovannelli want?

He says if you can put in a word for the accident he caused.

No, Giovannelli will be treated like everybody else. Is that clear?

- Is there anything else? Go, go. - Good morning.

Good morning. I'll put the Novani file here.

Brufolini called, he said he is not coming.

He has a fever.

It's the third time. The third time in six years!

He is sick.

Do you know what this is?

Sure. It's the pyramid of the organization in the office.

This is me, this is Barilotti, this is you,

this is Cristina, your colleagues and Brufolini who has a fever.

It seems unimportant, but if I take it off...

Example of absenteeism catastrophe.

And it's nothing! Imagine if Mrs. Thatcher would know!

Brufolini, shame on you!

Sir, do you have a moment?

Arrigo Buccilli has forgotten to renew the car policy.

- Where does he have his head? - I wish I had it where he has it.

You're amazing.

Come on, Ghigo! My husband will be home in half an hour for lunch.

The most important revolution after the internal combustion engine

are the lay back seats.

You always make me be late. One day my husband will find out.

Please! He doesn't think about you, he only thinks about his job.

- Come on, Ghigo, hurry up! - Wait.

In the car I have a present for you.

Here we go!

Here, I fished it at a depth of 30 meters.

It's risky to snide a grouper, but for a woman like you

it's nice to risk. - You are so dear, Ghigo. Thank you.

It weighs 4 kilos!

Next time I'll catch an 8 kilos one. Bye.

Guys, here comes the master!

Give me that.

Hi, guys. Hi, Giovanni.

Hello, Mr. Ghigo. Also this time we have caught 5 nice groupers.

- They look like whales. - We always catch them big.

- They're about 4 kg each. - What do you do with so many fish?

- I do. Put them away for me. - Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

- Mr. Mayor. - Good morning, Baldini.

Your wife insists on parking in a no-parking zone,

but I, for respect to you, I turn a blind eye.

No, your duty is to make everyone respect the laws.

Yes, but I wanted to remind you that I asked you that courtesy

for that job at Town Hall for my cousin.

Since you don't give a ticket to my wife I should hire your cousin

and make him an alderman, mayor, then send him to Rome,

to the European Parliament, President of the Republic.

Let's make him Pope. What a blessing, a cousin Pope!

Swimming pools, travel... Baldini, keep your feet on the ground!

Make the fines, the City needs them, relatives included!

- Good morning. - Good morning, Mr. Mayor.

Good morning. Can I have the usual? Would you mind serving it outside?

- Tonight they came back. - The hooligans?

Yeah, they're from outside. They broke the tables and stole my chairs.

- They cut down the umbrellas! - Luckily you're insured.

Mr. Mayor, have you read the newspaper?

Incredible!

Who could imagine that Papetti was dishonest?

- What did he do? - My article is sensational.

"Fruit and Currency. Fraud on the state for hundreds of millions."

Papetti was selling fruit to Israel, but the fruit stayed here.

Then he bought it back through a Panamanian subsidiary.

- What proof do you have? - I have! All of it!

I spent two nights at the dock, the ship was never loaded.

I have phone records,

the photocopy of the deposit on a bank in Zurich

and color photos of Israel, Panama and Luxembourg!

Compared to you Lieutenant Sheridan is an asshole.

I don't miss anything. I sniff and I hit.

By the way, I have something for you.

Take a look at it.

- It's a compromising photograph. - You can keep it if you want.

I don't need it, I run after other leads.

- Gentlemen, good morning. - Good morning, Mr. Ghigo.

They say a lot of things about him...

Here at gossip no one is saved.

Here you always know everything about everyone. Look at that.

- Where should I look? - The phone.

Casanova is working.

I fished it at a depth of 30 meters.

It's hard to spot a grouper,

but for a woman like you is worth the risk.

It is beautiful.

Let's meet tomorrow. My husband has the morning shift at the pharmacy.

See you tomorrow morning at 11 under the overpass, as usual. Bye.

- Goodbye everyone! - Bye.

Our pharmacist is precise, at noon he flees home.

My wife makes me a nice lunch, today boiled grouper!

A delicacy!

My wife made this last night, but she made it roasted.

My wife made me eat grouper for three days in a row.

I don't know why my housekeeper never prepares grouper for me.

- She doesn't like fish. - Goodbye everyone.

Lia! Can't you stop leaving the car in the no parking zone?

- Why bother? - The policeman bothers me.

Why do you buy those newspapers? Want to know if Carolina of Monaco

is hiding a sweet secret in her womb? - Don't joke, I read them.

You have no idea how many I sell, not to mention the others.

- Which ones? - Those in a covered envelope.

Do we live in a city of dirty people?

- Excuse me! Did "Grazia" come out? - Yes.

- I should pull your ears. - Why?

You forgot to renew your car insurance policy.

- If you have an accident? - Good thing you think of everything.

You take care of it. If you get in trouble, I'll end up in trouble too.

- Take care. Finished? - Yes.

- Who is that? - He deals in fish, a playboy.

Park well. We live in the square, at least put it under the house.

Write your name and phone number, it always works.

It raises curiosity. 50% of women throw away the card,

but the other 50% call and then they're pretty stuck!

- Good evening. Bye, Ghigo. - Bye.

- Hurry up, it's time to close. - It's barely 9 o'clock!

At this hour people are locked in their houses.

What has this city become? Like there's a curfew!

- People are scared. - Do I sleep with chickens?

You can't have it all in life. You choose to be a bachelor.

If you had a wife, you'd go back to your family now.

Yes, according to you those with family have fun!

I also have to check projects as well.

Look, I was getting ripped off 25 meters.

We're doing good! We're doing just fine!

Does it bother you if I write? Does the noise of the pencil bother you?

Turn down the television, I can't concentrate!

Every night the same story!

Work, always closed in here with work!

I can't take it anymore!

You control the projects of social housing,

the municipal budget, you choose the bins for the milk plant,

the daily withdrawal of drinking water?

Like every night at 9:32 I'll tell you...

- Judas Pig! - No, tonight I say fuck! 9:33.

Nice! And to think I married you because you weren't vulgar.

I'm vulgar? Shall we talk about it?

Let's have a debate about our family nights.

It is always you and I. I'd like to talk to other people too.

If people have lost the habit of meeting each other, is it my fault?

We have lost that habit, or rather, it's you.

Is it me? Come.

Window exam. Come.

I want to raze the city! Violence! Violence!

Let's tear it all down! Come on, raze it to the ground!

See? They come from outside, the city is in their hands.

With them around Robert Mitchum wouldn't come out either.

Like 90% of the citizens, I'm locked up at home busting my balls!

Excuse me, Lorenzo.

Sometimes it is difficult, but I still love you.

I love you too. I have plans for the evening.

- Me too. - Is it the same one?

- Same. - Come!

You didn't have to deal with the municipal budget

and the milk cans? - Tonight to hell with work!

- Did you do the "ding"? - I didn't.

Who can be between 9:37 and 9:38?

- Actually it's 9:40. - 9:40?

It will be the thieves who check if we're home. I'll take care of it.

Hello? We're home and armed!

Millozzi, I am your president!

- Mr. President! - I'm calling from Milan.

I have an urgent assignment, there's no time to lose.

To go out at night you have to arm yourself like Buffalo Bill.

- Lia, bring me the hair dryer. - Here it is!

- Where was work going tonight? - Let's not start again.

Help me pack, I'm in a hurry.

We can't go to the cinema in the evening,

but for your damn job you're in a hurry to get out!

Tonight Gruber arrives at the airport of Linate, I have to go.

Hours of driving to go and meet... What is his name? Gruber?

Yes, Gruber, one of the most powerful Swiss bankers.

Management sends me, it's an honor.

No, you are the only guy who accepts to go to Linate at this hour!

Tonight at Linate there will be at least 4 other freaks like me

that work for other companies that want to take our business.

- When are you coming back? - I don't know, tomorrow, or later.

I must be at the complete disposal of the Swiss.

Bring your fur coat, if you have to come back this winter!

Holy crap! Where is all this humor coming from?

Did you babysit Woody Allen?

What's the line like? Winter fur?

There is also a summer version, August and tank top.

- When you do that, you're a real... - What?

- Nothing, but you can imagine it. - Yeah, but don't you dare or I'll...

Me what? You want to slap me?

No, I'm democratic, but don't push me too hard.

That jerk! She did everything to offend me.

He has yet to be born who abuses me. I'll break your face...

Whose face do you smash? Whose face will you smash?

No, sorry. I wasn't talking to you.

No, no, I heard very well.

You said to me and they are all witnesses, all of them.

- All of them? - Absolutely.

I would never allow myself, I'm a meek guy.

Look that tonight fate has been mocking you.

- Do you know who you ran into? - No, I don't have the pleasure.

With the one who pulls the strings of the night, I am the puppet master.

I run the night.

I was talking to my wife. Maybe I'm a bit of a ventriloquist.

We are a sect thirsty for blood.

We make human sacrifices.

Do you want to be smart the last time before you die?

Do you want to see if you have become intelligent?

Guess who we're sacrificing tonight.

Can I help you? You!

- Listen, asshole. - Asshole...

- Yes, asshole! - Asshole...

Let's see if you talk any more nonsense in front of this one!

Do you want to shoot me some curlers?

Shoot me the comb, Ramon! Ramon, aim the comb at me!

Shoot me a tremendously hot wave back here!

Is he running away? Let's go after him!

Let's go running in the night! Catch him!

- Good night, madam. - Good night, Marcellina.

Hello? This is Ghigo, who is this?

- This is Mrs. Millozzi. - What a pleasure to hear from you!

- I'm excited, I really am. - Don't get excited.

I call you to tell you that you shouldn't dare to do that

one step away from my husband! - You call me just to tell me this?

Sure, what else?

If my husband noticed, it could have been a tragedy.

I imagine... you are calling me from your room. Is your husband there?

- No, my husband has left. - Left?

Yes, that's why I called you, to clarify the situation. Good night!

One moment!

Left.

Road interrupted.

Sly fugitive, but he has found bread and cheese for his teeth.

There's the car, he must be there too. On it!

Look in the bins too. He must be somewhere.

Look inside the garbage cans.

I become a beast! He was here, he couldn't have flown away.

We swipe the keys. I make him regret his birthday!

He does not know that we are a gang of unprecedented intelligence.

He is very skilled, but he will not escape. Let's find him!

Let's search everywhere.

Let's be loud with the cars! We have to find him!

- Mr. Mayor, good evening. - Good evening, Madam.

What're you doing?

I changed the light bulb, I also do these jobs.

- Do you need to change many more? - Five.

- Five? Good job. - Thank you.

- Good night, Mr. Mayor. - Good night...

- Who is it? - It's Lorenzo.

I forgot some cards and the keys, open up, quick.

You? But...

Pardon. I was afraid you wouldn't open, I had to.

- Why did you come? - Your phone call.

- I thought it was an invitation. - You misunderstood. I said no.

Are you sure? Look, I brought you a gift.

I fished it myself, at a depth of 30 meters.

It's risky to snare a grouper,

but for a woman like you is worth the risk.

Go away, someone can see us!

Are you afraid only of this or of being happy?

Go away!

My nose...

- Oh my God! My nose... Look. - I'm sorry.

It's nothing, I just need some cotton and alcohol.

I wouldn't want to get a hemorrhage.

Tell the truth, you put the grouper's blood on your nose.

- Yes, I admit it. - You misunderstood, Mr. Buccilli.

I may have misunderstood, but call me Ghigo.

Please, I don't think we should be less formal.

- You are very stubborn. - It's my strength.

It's good to take risks when it's worth it.

Arrive on site unannounced and zack!

I'm a paratrooper and a psychologist.

You did not call me tonight to scold me about the note.

- What do you mean? - You could have phoned me tomorrow.

Then why would I have called?

Because you were lonely.

Was I lonely?

How about you? Was I lonely this evening?

Don't mess around.

Excuse me, maybe I drank a little too much tonight.

It is time to go to bed.

In what sense?

You go back to your house like a good little boy.

- Are you quite sure? - Yes.

I would rather not.

I feel like I've been clear.

Yes.

Anyway, thank you for the evening.

The child is leaving. Good night.

To you, Mr. Buccilli.

You teased me with the phone. Now I'll show you the baby.

You'll see what the baby does to you!

Good thing I met you, don Eusebio.

There's Ghigo Buccilli's car. I can tell that he's on patrol.

He goes around being stupid and he forgets to pay the insurance.

- Thank you for the ride. - You're welcome.

Those scoundrels have stolen my keys.

I take my wife's car and get back on the road.

Maybe she'll complain that I woke her up. Don't get married!

Don't joke on the subject, I'm against ecclesiastical celibacy.

I'd like a nice little wife. But go and explain it to Wojtyla!

- Good night. - Good night.

- Lorenzo, what's going on? - Shut up, bitch, I'll kill you!

I'll kill you both! First I'll kill him and then you!

First you and then him and then I'll kill myself too, maybe!

I didn't know he was here!

You didn't know? This morning you even pretended not to know him!

- I'm going to kill you! - No, let me explain!

- No, I'll kill you! - That one there is not...

Oh God, look at him!

Calm down, eh?

But. He has drool, what happened?

- He got scared. - Of course, with the mess I made.

- Was he sick at heart? - I don't know.

- Heart patient, a hypertensive? - I don't know!

How do you not know? I'll kill you!

You cheat on me with a man whose health you don't know? Slut!

- What happened? - I think he died.

- Dead? - You killed him!

But... I didn’t even shut.

Maybe he tried to commit suicide.

He's alive. The pig is still alive.

Gigliola!

Finally! How did it go at the hospital?

Twelve consults and four surgeries. Everyone got sick today.

I made you a nice dinner. Boiled grouper with mayonnaise.

- You made it the other day too. - Yes, but you enjoyed it so much.

Let's not overdo it. If I keep on eating grouper, I'll grow fins.

I'm not there for anyone.

Hello? Yes, hello, it's Gigliola.

Yes.

It's your brother, something serious must have happened.

Yes? What?

If you want, I'll come. What's the matter? Are you sick?

Lorenzo, what did you do?

- Yes, I'll be right there! Jerk! - What happened?

Lia with Ghigo Buccilli, can you imagine? He found them in bed!

- Lia in bed with Buccilli? - That wretch!

- What did he tell you? - Buccilli had a stroke.

My God! A stroke...

How can you say heart attack?

- Are you sure it's a heart attack? - Heart attack, yes.

- What now? - Nothing.

Tomorrow I will run some tests on him.

You mustn't fret, the first moments are the most dangerous

and if he makes it, he'll be fine, but it will take some time.

Holy crap! We'll have to call an ambulance.

- What ambulance! - How do you want to transport him?

- We can't move him. - We can't?

We can't move him, he absolutely must not move.

If you move it, it dies. It has to stay where it is.

It has to stay where it is? Here? I can't keep a pig in my bed.

- If he dies, you killed him. - Me? What do I have to do with it?

Let's be clear. Suppose it's transportable and it's not.

Imagine the ambulance coming in here to take away on a stretcher,

from the mayor's house, Ghigo Buccilli, with the fame he has!

That would be a great humiliation.

Buccilli in your bed is like a prickly pear, you touch it and it stings you.

Think of the party. What a shit figure!

- How long will he stay at my house? - Three or four...

- Days? - Weeks!

Weeks?

Did you hear that? Because of you he'll stay here for weeks!

I went out and you two went straight to bed!

I'll say it again. He put the ticket in my purse.

He imitated your voice to come up, he's a devil, he bleeds on command.

Instead of flowers he brought me a fish and while I was in the bathroom,

he hid in bed. Do you believe it? - No, I don't believe it!

Then you're right, he's been my lover since the day we got married.

The first night he hid under the bed.

Every night he takes me in the closet when you are asleep.

- But I... Do I sleep that much? - You know what I add?

After we come to the kitchen and have orgies with the waitress.

Marcellina?

Marcellina!

If she finds the pig in the bed, there'll be a mess.

Adriano Celentano is here, he wants an autograph from you.

Thank goodness that she didn't notice anything!

Wake up, Marcellina! Wake up!

What do you want? Don't be stupid, sir.

What are you thinking? Get up, hurry up.

- Why? Is it late? - No, it's early and you're fired.

- Fired? - Yes.

- On the spot! - Fired? But...

- Go. - What have I done?

You sleep, the house is full of dust, there are fish around.

- Fish? - Grouper!

- Here, buy whatever you want. - But what?

- I don't know, a boat. - Where do I go this late?

Wherever you want, but get the hell out!

Go to the Philippines, is full of cleaning ladies there!

- What are you doing? - I'm leaving!

Convenient, huh? You leave me in trouble with your dying lover.

You have to stay or we'll end up in the everyone's mouth!

So what am I supposed to do? Stay here and take your insults?

You wanted this situation, so you stay here to be the servant!

Marcellina's room is free. Whose is this?

You found it! It's the note that that idiot put in my bag.

That idiot or some other idiot? I want to see who answers!

My eyes were opened tonight, I became a fox!

The cat's in the bag...

Let's see who answers this number.

"Good evening. This is Ghigo Buccilli, I repeat Ghigo Buccilli"

"speaking from his answering machine."

"I am momentarily away from home,"

"but if tonight you need an urgent grouper"

"you can call me at 24279."

- That's my number! - "I repeat, 24279."

- That's my number... - "Where I'll be staying all night."

The criminal left our number on the answering machine.

- What? - He knew he'd spend the night here.

- You knew it too! - That guy is crazy!

Now I have to run to his house to erase the tape!

If someone calls him, he understands that he's here and it'll be crap!

- Where does the pig live? - I don't know.

I'll find it myself, I'm becoming a fox anyway.

Here. The keys to the house. Driver's license. "Via Paganini 3."

- Where are you going? - I'm going to the service room.

- Give me the keys to the car. - It's out of gas.

As usual! I'll use your lover's.

Filthy beast, you stunk up my house!

You will come to the end you deserve.

I'll throw you on the sidewalk amidst cigarette butts and spit.

Go away, you've finished busting my balls!

A fish in the face threw me?

No. It wasn't me.

He is mocking me as well! What an outrage!

Gotta get you, you beasts!

- Hello! - Love, is that you? It's Gigliola.

I've been calling all evening. What's happened to you?

Sorry, but... I'm sleeping. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

My sister-in-law! Nice family of cuckolds.

"This is Ghigo Buccilli, I'm momentarily out of the house, but..."

"This is Francesca, looking forward to you and your grouper."

"Ghigo, my husband has left for Florence. Come with the grouper."

You stupid man!

There's the reptile machine! Stop!

We've got him! We have done encircling maneuver.

Bring him to me dead or alive, this time I'll drink his blood.

- It's not here! - He must be somewhere!

It can't escape, it has to be... When I catch him, I'll skin him!

Bravo, smash everything violently!

Beat like you would beat your mother, violently!

We are the gang of the apocalypse.

Where we pass the grass no longer grows. Smash!

Stop, everybody stop! That's enough for this time.

A nice little job on the car. Let's go!

We can afford some entertainment.

Let's go to the station to play Russian roulette

with the heads of tramps, useless individuals to exterminate!

Screech!

How disgusting! One night of hell.

Lord, I beg you, make him heal. I'll kill him later.

Make way, make way. Excuse me.

Stand back, clear.

It's Ghigo, it's really Ghigo!

In the mayor's house!

He was in bed with Mrs. Millozzi!

Sexual heart attack, accident at work!

I already have the title, "The Horned Mayor".

Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold!

Pee... Pee...

Pee...

- What is it? Do you have to pee? - Yes...

- You can't move. - I need to pee...

Holy crap! I'm going to see what can be done.

- Not easy though, huh? - Hurry!

We don't have anything else, make do with this.

I can't make it...

Hurry! Hurry!

Holy cow! What a drill!

Slut!

What are you doing? Are you leaving me alone?

If you look at me, you block me.

Excuse me? Can you do...

Louder.

- I'm done. - I saw.

You filled up the tank. Water and oil all right?

Forgiveness... Forgiveness...

You disgust me!

I'm so sick...

I thought I was going to die, or rather, I thought so, you know?

- Now I die. - Sure, with a heart attack.

- What? - Heart attack! Heart attack!

Heart attack?

Lorenzo, stop it! You know he can't get worked up.

Hey you, away from the drill. What are you doing?

- We have to treat him, don't we? - I'll take care of it, get that off.

- What is it? - An anti-cheat device.

- Safety reasons. - I don't want it, I want a doctor...

- My brother treats you. - I want my own doctor.

So the whole town will know that you had a heart attack

while you were in bed with my wife!

Mr. Mayor, I have never been in bed with your wife.

- Do you believe us now? - Yes, you're bullshitting me.

- I want my doctor... - Don't name names, huh?

- Hello? - Millozzi, is that you?

- President! - I'm pissed off.

You didn't meet with Gruber. Do you understand what you did?

We lost a deal of millions, of billions!

You are an incapable, an idiot, an imbecile!

Millozzi, you are a slacker!

What are you still doing home? It is 9 and a half! Go to work!

The night instead of partying, go to bed!

Because of him I also lose my job!

Mainly because of you!

Your wife is not to blame. Nothing happened between us.

- Don't bother, he doesn't believe. - I don't believe you.

- I'm going to work, don't move. - How? I have a heart attack.

Exactly! You stand in front at the living room window,

so I can watch you from my office. Don't take any initiatives!

What are you doing? Are you signing the table?

Yes. If tomorrow I get transferred, at least you know whose this is.

- What is it? - It's Buccilli's file.

I'll take care of it.

About Buccilli, I've heard good things about him.

Yesterday afternoon they saw him making out in the car

with the lawyer's wife. When a husband gets distracted...

- Mr. Mayor, what's going on? - I forgot my glasses!

Lia! Why aren't you at the window? What are you doing?

What are you yelling about? I'm doing the electrocardiogram.

You watch your lover? Shame on you! Go away!

Mr. Mayor, at your age you shouldn't be running up and down stairs.

Are you mocking? Your life hangs by a thread that I can cut!

Stop it! Can't you see he's sick?

- How bad? - You can't get out of bed.

Don't get agitated. You must take two cardiotonics a day.

Be sure to go on an light diet, no salt and no fat.

Did you get that, scullery maid? No salt and no fat.

The atmosphere in the house must be serene, for the good of all.

Let's make it like Christmas! Baby Jesus has arrived.

Stay calm! I demand that the patient to be respected.

Don't make a scene for him.

If he dies in your home, it would be a big mess.

I am making this gesture, to scare death away.

This is frozen fish, it doesn't taste like anything.

Why did you throw away my grouper? It was very fresh.

I would have rather thrown you out, but we can't move you.

He is right, this fish sucks. Is there nothing else to eat?

- Your brother said light diet! - For him.

For everyone! We're not in a restaurant.

Don't answer me or I'll put my hands on you. I'll break your face!

Why are you shouting with your lady? She's so pretty.

I demand that the patient to be respected.

Don't make a scene. If he dies at home, it would be a big mess.

What are you doing with that bottle?

I wanted to offer you a glass of white. If you like...

Without label?

With fish I'm used to drinking champagne.

Clean my apple.

Is apple okay or would you prefer avocado, mango, papaya?

Actually I would like wild strawberries.

At least, Little Red Riding Hood made it for her grandmother!

- Mr. Mayor, there is to sign. - All that stuff?

You've been missing from City Hall for a week.

- Hello? - They want to talk to the mayor.

It's me. Excuse me, they want to speak with the mayor.

Bring this stuff on my desk, then I'll come sign.

- Hello? - Good morning, mayor, I’m Ghigo.

- What now? - Since I’m bored

and your wife is gone... - Everything is under control.

I would like you to bring me something to read.

Mickey Mouse, Intrepid and especially some particular magazine.

- Automobilism? - No, the more...

- Motorcycling. - No, adult magazines.

I like them a lot.

Does it seem to you that the mayor can buy pornographic newspapers?

- Don't talk nonsense. - Please don't contradict me.

I feel agitated already, if you contradict me, I'll be sick,

my vein bursts. Please!

- Did you disembark last night? - Thirty days of sailing.

Give me Playman, Playboy, anything pornographic you've got.

Yes, I hide them because that asshole mayor is a moralist.

Don't offend authority, huh?

What do you want to do to me?

It had crossed my mind...

To try to... To shave you.

Think that today I had to be in Rome

to get funding from the Ministry and buy two fishing boats.

Instead I'm stuck in bed and goodbye funding!

All things considered, what do I care? I'm insured.

- With whom, if I may? - With you.

I have the unexpected policy with your insurance company.

At this point you must reimburse me the financing.

How much is it, sorry?

300 million.

Here we are talking about 300 million!

- Who had the heart attack? - Well... A heart patient.

This pain in the ass patient wants 300 million.

Headquarters must send a trusted doctor.

- On-site? - On-site.

- Good morning. - Good morning. Mr. Buccilli's house?

I am the doctor of Assicurissima.

Professor, you are expected. Please.

No doubt about it.

We are in front of a heart attack provoked, probably,

by an excess of work. - Yes, work!

Yes, work. Evidently Mr. Buccilli has overworked.

- He worked too much. - What are you prying about?

Be respectful, you pain in the ass!

Those two assholes gave me a heart attack.

Especially him. He's awful! When I'm better, I'll fire him.

- I'll keep her. - Excuse me...

- I would like to wash my hands. - Please, the bathroom is over there.

Idiot, accompany the professor! Idiot!

Mr. Mayor? Did I do my part right?

- I'll kill you! I'll strangle you! - Lorenzo! Lorenzo!

- Doctor! - What's going on?

I don't know, I felt sick. I don't remember anything anymore.

Maybe the glitter?

- Here. - Good morning.

Doctor, thank you for everything. Goodbye.

Thank you, dear. Please, do not make him upset.

- Did you see how vulgar he is? - You are better.

These patients are particularly excitable if they're not working.

Mr. Mayor, what are you doing dressed as a waiter?

We were trying on carnival costumes.

Mrs. Lia too! But it's eight months away.

Tailors take forever to try on a dress.

- Where will you go for Carnival? - We have to...

A friend of ours has to come to visit us... from Cuba, I think.

- From Cuba? - Yeah, I mean...

He was in Cuba, but with the excuse of the cigars he was around

and then his mother sent him to Rio.

From Rio de Janeiro he comes to spend Carnival here?

So he said, he also wrote a telegram.

Then a setback can happen, planes, strikes.

Mr. Bazzetti, mind your own fucking business.

Good evening. Guests of our round table

are the honorable Bardini and Michelozzi

to discuss the most burning aspects of political life.

The shift to the right of the government coalition

is the interesting fact that emerges from the post congress analysis...

- What is it? - On channel 2 there is the game.

- Who cares! - Don't you like soccer?

- I'm interested in this debate. - It's a pain in the ass.

It's going to be a pain in the ass night.

You're exaggerating! The pee, the poop, the beard, the hair...

I bought you the record player, I moved your bed this way,

the phone is there. My life is becoming hell!

- I'm interested in politics tonight. - You want me to get upset.

- Do whatever you want to do. - I'll call your brother

and tell him I'm getting nervous. - Don't be a jerk!

I feel palpitations, a vein hurts. Oh my god, I'm shaking!

Alright, I got it!

Juventus-Inter, a mouth-watering match.

Let's make an ass out of Inter.

Let's not confuse rags with silk.

I hate Inter fans. Come on, Causio!

Let's make four goals!

Goal! Goal!

- Nice butt shot! - Nice header, not ass!

- He'll never score a goal again. - It's the story of all time.

Shot from the right, header, chastised the goalkeeper.

Go Juve! Come on, Causio! Come on, Bettega!

You have a hard time with us, you have never won anything.

And the three goals that we gave you in Turin?

The gentlemen are served and all anthology goals!

- Anthology of luck! - You don't understand soccer!

One who has 30% of the weight in the drill, can understand sports?

What about you, Inter fan? Go Juve!

Block him! Block him!

Goal! Goal!

Oh my god, I feel sick... I feel sick...

- Take it easy! Don't do that. - I feel sick...

Holy crap! It's a sport, a game, we're here to have fun.

Don't feel bad, come on!

Juve is a very good team, my grandfather was a Juventus fan.

- I feel like dying... - Don't die...

- I feel like dying... - No, don't die, come on!

- He wants to die, run, help! - Help...

- Calm down, don't do this. - I feel like dying...

If you die here, you get me in trouble. Be understanding.

Go Juve? Go Juve?

Can you tell what's going on?

But. Lia! Shameless!

What are you doing? Cover yourself! Get out of here! Get out!

Don't look! Out!

- Imbecile! - Imbecile to me?

You're the imbecile! What have you found in that kind of minotaur?

You're asking me? It's logical.

I brought him home because he's a great lover.

I'm going to fix the great lover now.

Silence! Silence!

- Can't you hear that I'm working? - Can't you see that I'm resting?

Weren't you supposed to go to the office this morning?

Instead I am here to disturb you

and apply sophisticated anti-cheat equipment.

I'll be able to rest at night too.

I point out that I have installed some cameras.

From this moment every move you make is controlled, recorded,

minute by minute, 24 hours out of 34! - Have you gone mad?

Yes, I have gone insane.

All of this happened because I've gone mad.

Do you mind?

When did you realize that the car was like this?

I'm a doorman on number 3, I noticed it this morning.

Mr. Buccilli doesn't leave the car outside, he puts it in the garage.

The strangest thing is that I haven't seen him in a few days.

Yet I'm always in the porter's lodge.

This is blood.

There was a fight or even something more serious,

given the traces of blood in the car.

- You are the doorman. - Yes, Mr. Commissioner.

- Have you heard anything suspicious? - No, I sleep at night.

Yet the fight was violent.

In my opinion down here there's something sensational.

What happened? I can see you being upset.

We are in a mess. Don Eusebio is telling everyone

that the pharmacist heard that the police went to your house.

- The police? - They're looking for you everywhere.

- Your car is covered in blood. - Grouper blood!

Damn grouper, always between the balls!

"This is Ghigo Buccilli speaking, I am momentarily absent..."

Someone has deleted the message.

- Hello? - This is Buccilli.

It's Buccilli!

- Is that you, Buccilli? - Yes, it's me, Ghigo Buccilli.

I hear you're looking for me.

Well, actually... Where are you?

- Where am I... I'm in a cafe. - A cappuccino!

- Do you hear that? - Here's the espresso!

Mineral water, neither still nor sparkling.

Where are you calling me from?

From where?

From Taormina.

- Sicily, Taormina! - Don Corleone, another granita?

- Mizzeca! - What are you doing with the lupara?

- Water and lemon! - It's very funny here.

- You're fine. - We're all happy here!

- Do you hear how we laugh? - The hot water for the beard.

Don't worry, commissioner. I'm fine. I'm with some friends.

He's talking to the police, they've found the car covered in blood.

Blood?

Help! Help!

What have you done? You fool!

He's being tortured, the mafia is involved here.

Let's get in touch with Patanè in Messina!

Mayor, why did you convene this extraordinary council?

Our city lacks everything, housing, hospitals, roads, everything!

We already knew that, didn't we?

It seems not to me because you are committed only to finding Buccilli!

What does Ghigo Buccilli mean for our city? He is a parasite.

Commissioner, there is delinquency here.

We can't leave our house at night and you are looking for Buccilli?

Mr. Mayor, I opened the case Buccilli

behind regular reporting... - Of a doorman!

If we go on like this, we'll listen to the intercoms too.

On the car of the missing person, there were traces of blood.

- Fish blood, fish blood! - What do you mean?

- Are you questioning my words? - The phone call from Taormina?

- There's something fishy here. - As you look for the scoop,

that one is in Taormina having fun. This case is closed, closed!

Mr. Mayor, shall we play a game of cards?

At least we kill some time. What do you say?

- Where did you get them? - They were in the glove box.

You think I'd play cards with you? Let's not go overboard.

- Are you afraid to play with me? - Afraid of what?

They all know that I have a way with these.

I'm good with those too. And a lot!

- I had heard... - What?

- At the cafe they say many things. - A lot of things are said!

You know what they call you? "Scientific Loser."

You have to admit, it's good.

It must have been the tobacconist, that cuckhold.

- Eleven or twenty-one? - Eleven.

So then explain to that cuckold, if I can play or not.

I'll put this in the garage, if you don't mind.

- All right. - They call me Modiano.

- You're good. - But you are lucky.

Six and one, seven, and I put it in the bank.

I put the two in the safe.

- I'm going to give this to you. - You don't give it to me, I take it.

- The tobacconist is not a cuckold. - Well, you know better.

Good one, I know better!

You, bring two schnapps. When you play, it stimulates.

This is a "scopa"!

No, there's a limit to everything!

Me to gnaw my liver and they play and order too!

- We're at the coffee shop? - Are you raising your voice?

If anyone here can raise their voice... it's just me!

- Right. - Shut up!

One evening I find a way to play a good game in peace in my house,

and you break my balls? - Cards are played somewhere else.

Coffee bars close at dusk, everyone stays indoors.

- Are there any clubs open at night? - Inferno Rock. It's a hell!

Good morning. Everyone is looking for you, I don't know what to say.

- A lot of work has accumulated. - Leave me alone, I'm nervous.

- It's you, Don Eusebio! - Sorry, there's the Easter blessing.

- I guess the mayor is not there. - I don't know, I just woke up now.

Excuse me, I'm going to go slip on a robe.

Please.

- Mr. Ghigo! - Don Eusebio!

Are you staying here?

They seek you by sea and land.

Here... I just got back from Taormina and...

- Didn't have his house keys and... - He sleeps in the mayor's bed.

I bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.

- Don Eusebio. - Good morning, Mr. Mayor.

Happy Easter to you as well. I blessed the whole house.

- Thank you. Have a seat. - I'm actually busy.

- Well, a cigarette... Please. - Maybe I'll smoke it later, huh?

You noticed something new.

- When there's news, it shows. - Sure.

- Have you seen the new TV? - The new TV...

- The new record player? - The record player, yes.

What else is in there? I don't know... Toaster?

Mr. Mayor, I have blessed all the rooms.

- All of them? - All of them and the guests too.

- I couldn't block it. - Moron, you're just making a mess!

In five minutes the whole town will know!

Lawyer, gather all your friends. I have great news to tell you!

A sensational, explosive thing, I can't wait to tell you everything!

- I'll take off my vest and come back. - I'm going.

- Don Eusebio. - Mr. Mayor, you here?

I need to make a confession.

- At this hour? - Yes, at this hour.

I have urgent things to do.

They are waiting for you for some important communications,

but here I have a burden from which I must free myself.

- Right now? - Right now.

Then let us free ourselves. When one must free himself... Let us do.

But, Mr. Mayor, sorry, isn't it better to do it on Sundays?

The church is festively lit, full of flowers,

there is a sung mass, the choir. It's a whole different atmosphere.

- No, I'd rather go to confession now. - De gustibus...

I'm listening.

Is the secret of confession always valid?

Absolutely.

If I tell you something, it is not that you can report it.

No, I can't report it.

- Then I confess everything. - Everything?

Everything you can think of. You went to my house.

You'll think I'm a cuckold, consenting, voyeur.

Put also that I am a little queer.

If you can think of anything else, consider that I confessed it.

I can't take it anymore, doing this life anymore!

- Where is my wife? - She went out, she gave me this.

- "Dear Lorenzo..." - It's for me.

"While you'll read these lines, I will already be far away."

"Imbecile." It says there. "I've had it up to here with you."

Of your accusations, of your controls.

I'm tired of not being believed and being a servant

waiting for the judge to deign to give a sentence. I'm leaving you.

- Mr. Mayor? - Leave me alone, huh?

I don't know where my wife is, I have a lot of work to catch up on!

My head is spinning like a helix, in a while I'm taking off!

I get it. Anyway I just wanted to give you some advice.

Buccilli, don't exaggerate. Do you want to give me advice too?

- As not said. - There, better!

What advice did you want to give me?

I wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up, you have to fight back.

Talk to someone, phone some friends.

They're all pissed off, messed up, full of problems.

Do you have a friend you can turn to in case of need?

No, it is always more difficult to find a friend.

- I'm living the life of an asshole. - At least you're having fun.

I have a stupid time, talking to stupid women

who listen to my nonsense.

I've been playing the grouper game for eight years and nine months.

The flower in the mouth, the fish under arm, hiding under the bed.

A life as a guerrilla.

I too would like to talk to a friend and put the fish aside.

Friends only show up for business.

They come to City Hall, ask for favors, no one calls for a drink.

A friend? Maybe.

- Hello? - Millozzi, this is your president.

- Mr. President! - Have you read the papers?

- No. What newspapers? - Old fox!

I knew I could trust you. Listen to this.

"Arrested the well-known Swiss banker Gruber."

"Along with him were arrested Italian officials"

"of well-known insurance institutions."

"The charge is currency trafficking."

Millozzi, you are a genius.

If you met Gruber, it would have been catastrophe.

To tell you the truth... I smelled something rotten.

Bravo, Millozzi! Miraculous intuition!

That's my job!

Millozzi, I am going to propose you for a promotion.

What would you say of the position of general manager?

General... manager? I think I'm mature, that's it.

Then congratulations, dear General Manager!

You've moved up in the world, you old fox!

- See you soon, goodbye. - See you soon, thank you.

- Congratulations, Mr. Mayor. - General Manager.

- General Manager. - I also owe it to you.

If I didn't find you in my bed I'd have gone to Linate and now I'd be...

- In jail. - Exactly!

Instead, here you are, promoted to general manager.

Congratulations. Shall we have a drink?

- Grappa or amaro? - Let's uncork!

Let's throw a bottle of champagne, you and me.

- Shall we be less formal? - Yes, call me Lorenzo, or Lory.

You should have slapped him when he put the ticket in your bag!

A tragedy would have happened.

A good duel, but honor was saved.

Honor? Mom, you're the classic...

Bourgeois, I know, but I think of your husband without you.

He's suffering like crazy!

Superman! Superman! Super, super, Superman!

I'm the drill superman!

- I am general manager! - The mayor! The Mayor!

Mayor, you nailed it!

Super general manager, cheers!

You and I are going to make a great company.

Fishing and insurance, octopus and policies.

We will also insure the Arab Sheiks.

- The sheiks? - Yes.

You are turning me on. You make me feel the lack of women.

I'm going to get the women... Put on the music...

- Are women there? - I'll bring you the odalisques...

Here's the music... Out with the harem! Out...

I bring so many of those women...

Ghigo, look!

The girls are here!

You're hot! You are beautiful!

You are beautiful! Let me feel your little golden boobs.

Your little golden tits!

Baby, take it easy, you make me sick, I'm having a heart attack.

- You get me too excited. - I have the medicine for you.

- A bomb, I'll go get it. - Go get the bomb.

A bottle of Nocino that my aunt made!

I keep it hidden around here for big occasions.

Mrs. Lia.

Champagne, lobster, good!

Taking advantage of my absence there was a party.

What party? We had a simple dinner.

We celebrated a good news.

There was an orgy, other than a dinner!

That's your stuff and this is your husband's breasts.

My stuff? Where is my husband? Answer!

Did he go to take back home the whores?

You entered here and went into my bed under false pretenses.

- Yes, I admit it. - Now you give women to my husband!

- You're a monster! - Maybe, I don't know.

When I see certain stuff, I lose my head and anything can happen.

- Not with me, Mr. Buccilli. - In fact, it stays here.

- What? - That nothing happened with you.

- You're here! - Yes, I'm here.

- I heard everything, I forgive you. - Too late, my dear!

Look what you look like, in your orgy uniform!

There were no women...

You know what? I'm going to go have an orgy too!

I'm going to have fun!

Lia, come back home, I forgive you!

- I told you, it's too late! - Please come home!

Stop! Turn down the music, now we're going to have a fat laugh!

You came out! So you crawled out of your worm hole.

Have you seen that with human bait the fish are biting?

- Show them what you can do! - Show me.

What a physique!

Are you getting ready for the fight?

- But... - Don't worry about it.

He's agile, but my beasts outside will definitely catch him.

You have desecrated the temple of the warriors of the night,

of the Teddy Bobs, dear.

You will be sacrificed to our one god, Little Tony.

Your groin will be injured. I will cut your balls off!

The balls no! Balls no! Balls no! The balls...

Are you hurt?

Why am I dressed as a woman? I don't feel good...

- Did I get the period? - What are you saying?

My hand hurts... What a blow! What a blow!

What a blow, Mr. Commissioner! Listen to the super witness.

So, yes. I was asleep and he for no reason fired me

in the middle of the night.

- I came out all crumbly... - No, dazed.

I didn't remember to give him the keys I had in my purse.

I had forgotten some things I had washed,

so three days ago I went back to Mr. Mayor's house.

I walk into the living room and see a door all encrusted.

No, bolted, armored.

With lots of deadbolts and a peephole.

I approach the peephole, I look inside

and what do I see in bed, as pale as a dead man?

Ghigo Buccilli.

That's why Mr. Mayor tried to divert the investigation.

Bravo!

Come, commissioner, we must surprise them. Don't make noises.

Lanzarotti, I don't have a search warrant.

If the witness is a mythomaniac?

Trust me, Mr. Commissioner. I have an infallible nose.

Yes, like this. Like this, slowly.

- Do I go harder? - No, no...

Is this okay?

- Good evening, Mr. Mayor. - Good evening.

There, closer. A kiss for the camera.

Bravo. Stop!

And now... The breasts, Mr. Mayor. Show your breasts, sexier.

Let's not overdo it.

Mr. Mayor, I allowed myself...

I came for the disappearance of Mr. Buccilli.

Now... I've got it all figured out.

Excuse me, for me the case is closed. Everything is clear.

- Clear in what sense? - In the sense that it is clear.

- No, you are insinuating. - Shouldn't we?

The kidnapped man in bed with the mayor... I don't know!

Yes, in bed with my husband. What does that mean?

The consenting wife, big stuff.

You men always see the rot everywhere because you are rotten inside!

Rotten, perverted, depraved, vicious! What do you photograph?

This is hot stuff!

- Are you interested in hot stuff? - Yes, do you have any?

Ghigo fears no comparison with anyone.

Always cheerful and always ready.

There is no trick, you will all be amazed.

Here it is, check it out! A beautiful camera.

But this is nothing, there's more. Hot stuff.

Nude women with grouper, voila!

Look, it's the stationmaster's wife.

Everyone with grouper!

Mr. Commissioner, this is your lady.

Did you see how well she turned out?

Are you laughing? Your lady is there, too.

This one. Do you see her? Dressed for her First Communion.

Here are the hot photos.

So, special correspondent, will you write the article?

- Please, leave. - Sure, I'll lead the way.

Did you see that?

But... But you got up!

So I'm cured, I'm better.

- So what? - So... So I'm going to leave.

It's a shame, I was fine in your house.

If you want to stay, there's a bed for you.

- Mr. Mayor! Did you see who's back? - Coming back from Trinacria!

You could have sent a postcard, everyone was looking for you.

- Were you worried? - I had days of hell.

The fault was with the crime lab,

they can't tell the difference between fish blood and human blood.

- How did it go in Taormina? - Good, I had a rest.

I was in bed the whole time.

It's one o'clock, I run home. Today my wife made me

a beautiful partridge!

- I have a stewed partridge. - I have a roast partridge.

- Have you switched animals? - Yes, just in case.

Partridge works, you know?

"I got it for you in the mountains, I shot it on the edge of an abyss."

Always on top, huh? I've got some good news for you.

My insurance company has instructed to pay the 300 million.

As general manager I solved the file in a flash.

Thank you. The Ministry would have never given me that money.

You know what I do with it? I buy a nice big toy for both of us.

So from a story of betrayals, love, heart attacks and of groupers,

a great friendship was born.

How do you become friends with one who wanted to drill your wife?

It can happen. Gentlemen, look around you

and keep your eyes wide open!