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- [audience cheering] - [rock music plays]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- [music continues] - [cheering]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

Cameron Esposito!

[music, cheering continues]

Chicago, thank you so much for coming out!

[cheering]

You guys, thank you so much.

[cheering]

My hometown! I'm so happy to be here!

[cheering]

Please, be seated.

It is so nice to be here in Chicago.

Like I said, this is my hometown.

And I'm actually here in Chicago

for a very specific reason.

[cheering]

I'm here in Chicago because in two days

- I'm gonna get married. - [cheering]

Yes!

[cheering]

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Yeah, technically, you're at my bachelor party.

[cheering]

And it's just the kind of party I like.

You paid to hear me talk.

So I feel comfortable.

You guys, I can't believe that I'm at this place

in my life, that I'm about to get married.

I didn't ever know that I would end up here.

I never saw this for myself.

I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago.

I had no idea that I was a woman

who was going to end up marrying another woman.

I didn't know that was in the cards for me.

I didn't know what was going on for me.

There were no out gay people where I lived.

No out gay people where I lived.

And also...

if you are a little gay boy, if you're a little queer boy...

people will come up to you,

and they will say,

"You are a gay boy!"

If you're a little gay girl, if you're a little queer girl,

people will just be like, "I guess she likes overalls."

People don't always tell you what's going on.

I'm not saying it's great to yell at a child,

I'm just saying I was in no way clued in

as to what was going on with me.

In fact, when I was a little kid,

the only thing I ever heard, when I was a little kid,

people used to call me fat.

And you guys, I have always been-- this is my body--

this has always been-- I came out wearing this jacket.

So great style right away.

But I'm not a big person.

And I don't think that any child

should be body-shamed.

I don't think any child should be body-shamed.

[applause, cheering]

But I just never realized why people said that to me.

Until, like, two or three years ago, I was thinking about it,

I was like, "Oh, I think that no one in my community

knew the word 'dyke.'"

Like, I think that's what was happening.

They were all just like...

"What are you? Are you fat?

I think she's fat."

In high school,

I dated the captain of my high school football team.

That's true. He had four percent body fat.

He ran a four-four-40. He ran for 400 yards a game.

This is Chicago. You know what the fuck I'm talking about.

- He was a star! - [cheering]

You guys know a lot about football. You don't-- listen.

You don't win football. But you know--

you are aware of it conceptually.

And I went to Catholic school my whole life.

And I didn't really even get sex ed.

I didn't learn it there. I didn't get sex ed at all.

Well, that's not true.

In high school, one day in religion class,

we watched an abortion.

[audience groans]

Yeah, that was our sex ed.

We watched a videotape of an abortion.

And then a priest stood next to it and said,

like, uh, "And that's why you shouldn't have sex

with your boyfriend."

And then I was like,

"I-- I don't even want to.

So how holy am I, right?"

[cheering, applause]

Yeah, I was saving myself. It was difficult.

So, like, I had a boyfriend.

But I should have known

that something was going on.

'Cause I had that boyfriend,

but then I also had like a...

like a best friend.

You guys know what I'm talking about? Like a best friend? Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about.

You know how you, like, had a friend

and you guys are, like, such good friends with that person?

You know how sometimes you're a person

and then you have, like, a-- a person that you, like,

you have so much friendship with them?

It's like they're a girl-- you guys are girls,

and you're in high school, and you have such

a huge amount of friendship with each other?

That sometimes you put on your boyfriend's football uniform

and then you convince her

to put on her boyfriend's football uniform.

And then you tackle each other.

[cheering, applause]

Just for friendship.

Yeah, I had that-- I had that kind of best friend too. Cool.

We have that in common.

I didn't know what was going on. I just knew that I wanted--=

Hey, and my boyfriend was a nice dude.

But I just knew I wanted him to go home

and that I wanted to have the same haircut

as Willow on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Like, that's all I knew. I just knew those things,

and I didn't know they meant anything.

But I knew those things.

My best friend, she was the youngest of ten kids.

And she was from a very wealthy family.

And when we were friends, all of her older siblings

had already moved out of the house.

And there were nine empty bedrooms in her house

where they used to live.

Plus, two available guest bedrooms.

And still, every time I slept over at her house,

I insisted on sleeping in her bedroom,

in her bed with her.

And I remember one time, her mom was like about

to shut the door and say good night to us.

She looked at me and she was like,

"Uh... Cameron, are you sure...

that you want to stay... in here?

Because...

there are 11...

available...

empty bedrooms."

And I was like, "Shut the door!

Shut it!

Shut the door!"

She was like, "Why is this fat person yelling at me?"

Oh, to add insult to injury,

'cause I didn't know what was going on,

I was on... the swim team

with my best friend.

The swim team!

The most difficult of all of the teams

to be on with the best friend you don't realize

you're in love with.

And I will tell you why.

Women, we are never naked in a locker room.

There is no nudity in a women's locker room.

Because we can change our clothes

without ever being naked.

[cheering]

We could change from a regular bra into a sports bra

if we were Han Solo encased in carbonite.

Just like, "When am I gonna do it?

Well, it's actually already done.

Oh, and I changed back."

You know the only locker room that's not true?

Swim team locker room.

Swim team locker room is so naked!

Swim team locker room is all naked!

You gotta take all your clothes off.

All your undies! You gotta take your undies off!

You gotta take a little, teeny, Barbie-sized bathing suit.

You gotta try to jam your little budding

teenage body in it, pull it up, one inch at a time.

It's so small 'cause it cuts down on drag.

And you kind of pull it... you pull it up

as... a little bit at a time,

try and maintain eye contact with your best friend,

not notice what level of budding her beasts are at right now.

Try to stay focused on the English paper

she's talking to you about, not notice that there's

also 40 other naked women around you!

Various stages of pubic hair growth.

Figure out where you compare and contrast

in that cycle of things.

Try and get yourself amped so you can get in the pool

where, by the way, I was a breast stroke specialist.

[cheering]

And that is true. I was one of the best breast strokers

on the team.

And I feel like when I tell you guys that detail,

of that relationship,

some of you might wonder, "Wait a minute, Cameron!

Are you trying to tell me, like, that this was not great?

'Cause you're telling me that you were in an all-naked place,

that you were surrounded by people that you find attractive

and they were all naked?

Sounds like you were sitting on a gold mine, Esposito!"

You just think that...

because you are imagining yourself

as an adult in this situation.

You are imagining adult you

with all the skills and knowledge

that an adult has in this situation.

You are not remembering what it is like

to be a teenager when, like,

stuff is bumping out of your body in different places,

you don't even know what it's gonna become yet.

You're going to a school dance, you're, like,

kind of grinding on something, but you don't even know

what motion is this that I'm mimicking?

Like, you've never even...

You don't understand why you're sweating

even though you're naked.

"I'm not wearing clothes! How am I sweating?"

It's overwhelming, it's a sensory overload.

It's like gonna crash the servers for sure.

I think the best way, the best analogy

that I could really give you guys...

it's like, uh,

if you were diabetic,

you suddenly came to

in the middle of a pie shop.

You're just looking around, like...

"Can I eat any of this?"

[cheering]

And no, it turns out, not at the time. I couldn't.

Senior year. We're about to graduate.

Now, me and my best friend, we had these two other girls,

that was like our crew.

The four of us, that was like our crew.

We were all athletes, so we didn't drink.

But then this girl, her parents went out of town.

So we went over to her parents' house,

and we raided her parents' liquor cabinet.

And between the four of us, we split...

a bottle of Apple Pucker.

Yeah, and I do not know if there is alcohol in there.

But I will tell you, we were drunk!

And it was senior year, right before we were gonna graduate.

And we were all feeling these emotions.

And this girl, she turns to this girl and she goes,

"Uh, it's senior year.

And we're all gonna graduate soon.

And I just... I feel like we should do something...

to cement the friendship.

And get ready for college.

I think you and I should make out."

And I was like...

"Yes.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

I wanna be ready for college."

So these two girls start making out.

And I'm standing there just like, "Oh, man!

I wonder if I'm wearing the right amount of ChapStick!

I'm about to be next!"

- But that's not what happened. - [audience moans]

No, see, they got done making out.

Then this girl turns to my best friend, she's like,

"We should make out." They make out for--

My best friend turns to this girl, she's like,

"We should make out." They make out for a minute.

Then this girl goes... [yawns] "I am exhausted.

I think we should all go to bed."

- [audience moans] - It was like as if

they knew I was too-- like, I had false started

the race almost.

I was just like, "Put me in, Coach!

Put me in!"

And I've seen Rudy! They should have played me!

[applause, cheering]

I was giving my heart and soul out there!

I don't care if I'm little.

But they all went to bed.

And that whole night,

I lay awake,

and I tried to figure out

exactly how much noise I needed to make

to wake them up...

and make it seem like I wasn't what woke them up.

Just like, "What was that faraway--

What was that, a faraway gerbil?"

"Huh! Well, as long as you're awake,

how about that last game we were playing?

That was, like, a fun game, seemed relaxing almost.

Maybe, like, a good game to play to go back to sleep.

I don't know. I'm just--"

They never woke up.

No, I mean, like, they woke up, like...

Like, they woke up. I killed them!

No, I mean, they woke-- they just woke up in the morning.

They didn't wake up that night. They didn't wake-- can--

I couldn't rouse them!

I spent the whole night staring at the ceiling.

I didn't sleep a wink.

Like, the only other time I was at a sleepover,

and I didn't sleep for even one second,

was the night after I saw the movie Seven for the first time.

And actually, those two nights have a lot in common.

The night after I saw the movie Seven for the first time,

the night after all my best friends kissed each other,

and then went to bed, 'cause both nights,

as I was laying awake, I was just wondering

what the fuck was in that box?

[laughter, applause]

So we're getting married on Saturday.

[cheering]

Yeah, I am stoked!

I am stoked!

'Cause my fiancée is awesome.

She's got so many skills that I don't have.

I don't-- she can--

You guys, the other day,

she changed the headlight on my car,

and I didn't even know you could do that... with your hand.

I didn't know-- how can you-- what?

Something on my car is broken, I usually just abandon it.

I've lost two, three cars that way.

We walked into our friends' house the other day,

she, like, out of the corner of her eye,

she just eyeballs their doorknobs,

and she goes, "Oh, those are on backwards."

What--

But then our friends go, "Oh, yeah, our doors don't close."

So...

my fiancée went to our house and she got her toolkit

and she came back and she fixed the doors.

And I was left with a bunch of burning questions.

Number one: uh...

what do you mean doorknobs can be on backwards?

'Cause... what do you-- I thought it was the same--

I thought it was like a Tegan and Sara situation.

[cheering]

And then, number two, I guess, like,

the second biggest question I have is just, uh,

how relaxed are our friends?

They're just like, "Our doors don't close.

But, like, it hasn't really come up as, like,

we're not worried about it."

Two years, that's how long it took...

my fiancée and I to set a date,

from the day we got engaged, two years!

That whole time we were just stalemating,

trying to figure out which one us would step up,

and be the wife and plan the damn thing!

And I'm not learning shit about cupcakes, Chicago!

Turns out neither is she.

So we're throwing all convention out the window.

We're gonna slip and slide down the aisle

to the sounds of the Furious 7 soundtrack.

[cheering, applause]

It's gonna be a great wedding!

Actually, let me be-- this is 100 percent real.

And I haven't said this onstage before.

This is real.

Two days ago, we went to get our marriage license,

and... I'm feeling better now.

Thank you guys so much for asking.

I'm feeling better now, but I had a touch

of the stomach flu, and so we went in

to the Cook County... recorder of vital deeds, I believe

is what that person is called.

And applied for a marriage license.

And the wave of nausea that hit me

was perfectly timed

so that the person at the counter

had all of my information

and was about to give us our marriage license,

and then I was like, "I'm so sorry!"

[mumbles] And I had to run...

out of the room and also shed clothes,

'cause, like, when you're in that zone,

like, any amount-- it's just too hot!

So I was, like, tearing my clothes off,

running out of there, going, like,

covering my mouth.

Which I think is not what you're...

how you're supposed to look...

at that blissful moment.

[mumbling]

"Oh, this..."

But here's the best thing.

Like, I had stripped down to, like, basically a t-shirt.

And I was, like, leaned over a trash can

right outside the Daley Center.

You know I'm not gonna puke in the Daley Center.

And my fiancée was, like, comforting me

and holding a marr-- a visible marriage license.

So, like, what had-- like, no-- this is a whole tableau.

And then a dude walks by and he goes, like,

"Do you know where the Washington L platform is?"

My fiancée was like, "I don't know! No!"

But meanwhile, we do. It just wasn't a great time.

But I want to know what was up in that guy's, like, how...

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be a dude,

'cause I feel like sometimes if you're a dude,

you didn't-- your noticing skills...

didn't develop all the way.

You put the seeds on the Chia, but you forgot to water them.

'Cause this guy's just walking by

a vomiting naked person,

and somebody, like, trying to get that person

to marry them!

And he's like, "Oh, these lesbians will know."

Like, you know, it's...

Like, I get that we're a helpful people,

but there is a limit.

Social work, nursing, those are our typical jobs.

But not always!

Sometimes you gotta take care of yourself, dudes.

[applause, cheering]

I just want to know, like, who he had asked

right before us,

and who he asked right after us.

'Cause you have to walk past family court

in order to get to where I was barfing.

So was he just like, "Oh, what's this?

A child being taken away from its parents?

I'll ask the child." You know, like, it's...

Or then he, like, walked past us,

"Well, those ladies were of no help!

I'll ask the Old Navy preacher." You know?

You guys, the Old Navy preacher, how's he doing?

- [cheering] - He stands outside of Old Navy

and he yells about how I'm going to hell.

But now the Old Navy's a Gap, so what? You know?

It's like, did he move with the Old Navy?

Or is he now the Gap preacher? 'Cause I can't adjust to that.

So that's some local stuff for you guys.

[cheering, applause]

I think one thing that impresses me so much

about my fiancée, I can't believe she can do it,

she can put music...

on her phone.

What? What are you saying to me?

Like, you remember-- you remember how to do that?

And then you also remember to do it?

Like, with what part of your brain?

Do you remember, like, "Oh, I should probably put music

on my phone." Like, what are you talking about?

It does make airplane rides great with her.

She put a little headphone splitter in if I ask

and then she'll play a song.

If I ask her to put a song in there,

maybe she'll remember it, and then if I get my wish,

then we'll listen to Taylor Swift's "Wildest Dreams"

- eight times in a row. - [cheering]

'Cause the seventh time, you're like,

"Yeah, let's hear it again." You know what I mean?

That's how I live my life.

I don't-- I don't have anything. I got nothing on my phone.

I got nothing on my phone.

Actually, that's not true.

I have one thing...

on my phone.

And it is my own standup comedy album.

[laughter, cheering]

Yeah.

Solid gold decision, and I'll tell you why.

Not too long ago, I was getting picked up

at the airport by a stranger, that person had their car

set to Bluetooth mode, and I had my phone

set to Bluetooth mode, and I don't know

if you've ever gotten into somebody's car

when their car is set to Bluetooth mode

and your phone is set to Bluetooth mode.

But the car will automatically start playing

the first track of the first album on your phone,

and my album, the only album,

begins with... "Ladies and gentlemen...

Cameron Esposito."

[cheering]

So I got into a car...

and then the car introduced me.

[cheering, applause]

And it feels like we are very close

to the end of time when I have to hear stupid nonsense

about how awesome this thing is in my life.

And how happy I am to be doing it.

I'm so ready to get the other side of hearing stupid nonsense,

stupid nonsense like people being like,

"Eh! Eh! Eh! Nope!

No, gay people can't get married.

If gay people get married, more people will become gay.

Okay? So gay marriage is going to make everyone gay.

And so I would please like you to not do it."

That's stupid nonsense.

Stupid.

Straight marriage has been legal for the entirety of my life.

And still this is my haircut.

Straight marriage didn't make me straight.

And that's because sexuality isn't contagious.

You are thinking of zombieism.

I'm not gonna bite you!

Unless you ask me to.

And in that case, you're gonna like it.

You're gonna have a good time. Yeah.

Only thing you'll be catching is the fever!

You're gonna do all right. You're gonna like it.

It'll be cool.

Actually, most queer people were raised in straight families.

And most queer families actually end up raising straight kids.

So...

if you wanted to cut down

on the number of gay people being created...

you would have to actually outlaw straight marriage.

Which, by the way, I'm not in favor of.

I'm an ally.

I just bring up that point because if you hear somebody

be like, "Where are the gays coming from?"

You could be like, "The call is coming from inside the house."

[cheering, applause]

Straight people are gay people factories!

You want to stop churning us out,

you gotta shut down production, that's all I'm saying.

And of course, I don't want that to happen.

I'm the product of a straight marriage.

My parents are still-- they've been together

for more than 40 years.

And I don't wanna split them up. I want them to slip and slide

me down the aisle at my wedding.

And that's because I believe that love is real.

I believe that love is real.

And I believe that love is real...

because I am scared...

of everything.

But I'm scared of being murdered

the most.

I brush my teeth standing up, looking straight in the mirror.

And I spit down onto my own shirt.

You know you can't bend over and spit.

That's when somebody shows up in the mirror behind you...

to fucking kill you!

And yeah, that's one way I might get murdered.

But you know how I'll probably get murdered?

By a murderer.

At night.

While I'm sleeping.

In my bed!

That's what I always told my high school best friend.

Like, we gotta stay together.

For safety.

Where would the murderer be hiding

before he murders me?

In the visible corners of my bedroom.

Is apparently what I think.

'Cause every night of my life before I've gone to sleep,

I've checked the visible corners of my bedroom.

I don't know what I'm expecting to see there.

Just, like, Kevin Spacey, like, "Oh, you got me!"

And I'm like, "Well, you should have hidden yourself

behind something." And he's like, "But excuse me,

you don't even have any drapes or nothing."

I'm like, "Oh, you're looking for drapes?

Well, perhaps you should relocate to the UK

where that's a larger part of their interior design scheme."

And I'm basing my understanding of interior design in the UK

on a television program called Peter Pan Live.

That I watched, 'cause that Allison Williams

really peters my pan.

[cheering]

Yeah, she's all right. She's all right. She's cool.

Cool, cool. Cool shorts, cool shorts, Allison.

Cool shorts.

Because I have always been afraid of being murdered

in the night, I have developed systems

that allow me to get some amount of sleep.

I sleep with a pillow on my chest,

and I sleep with a very sharp knife

in my side table drawer.

'Cause I figure when the murderer comes in

to try and stab me, they'll get stuck in my pillow

just long enough, I can reach for my knife,

and I will stab them before they stab me!

And if you're like, "Uh, excuse me, Cameron,

I'm not really sure that a pillow

will prevent a knife wound,"

well, am I not still alive?

Clearly, this works as a strategy.

I was in Texas not too long ago.

I had brought up my pillow defense strategy.

This dude in the audience yells out,

"Ha! Naw, Cameron.

This is Texas.

You gotta lose that knife.

Get a gun."

And I will not be getting a gun, Chicago.

- I will not be getting a gun. - [cheering]

I don't think we're doing a great job

with the ones we already have.

It's not great. We don't need more guns.

We do not. There is no good reason,

I believe, to get a gun.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand why anybody has one.

I really don't. Like, I don't... why?

[applause, cheering]

And if you do own one, if you do own one,

you should be supporting people asking this question.

You should be supporting better backgrounds checks,

and you should be supporting less nuts out there with guns.

[cheering]

Because until we do, when people say "gun owners,"

we include you.

And if you think that it is righteous to have a gun,

you should want those crazy people out of there.

You should want-- and when I say crazy people,

I don't mean people that struggle with mental illness.

Because people struggle with mental illness every day.

[cheering]

I'm talking about people that feel righteous

harming other people for, like,

the things that they don't understand.

And I don't-- I don't get that.

Like, I don't get owning a gun because you're a hunter.

Oh, you're a hunter? Oh, you're a hunter?

So you take, like, a giant, almost like a tank-sized thing,

and you put it in a truck and you drive out to the woods

dressed as a bush, and then you go hide in a bush,

dressed as a bush, and you take a telescope

and you look through the telescope,

you kill a deer that's like five to 100 football fields

away from you? A little deer that's just like,

"Huh! Nobody's around at all." Boom!

Like, that's what you think a hunter is?

No, I wanna see you running through that forest!

I wanna see you kill that deer with your teeth!

[cheering]

That is a hunter!

And if your answer is for self-defense,

if that's why you carry a gun,

I will just let you know that we are not...

nailing it with that.

I was gonna say "killing it with that,"

but that would be incorrect.

You see, you so rarely hear stories about people

accidentally killing themselves with their own knives.

Never hear about that. You never hear about,

"Oh, no! It's facing the wrong way!"

"Did you hear about Alan? He was cleaning his knife,

and it went off in his face."

I'm furious about this.

I believe we should all be furious about this.

- I'm furious! - [cheering]

And I don't wanna hear anybody else's story,

and I don't wanna see an interview with their mother.

Like, I just want it to stop, and I want it to change.

And that's it. I'm done. I'm fucking done.

[cheering]

And like I said, I have yet to hear even one good argument

for any reason anybody would need to own a gun.

Part of that might be because I have never

had anybody tell me that they own a gun

because they wanna look as much as possible

like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2.

If I heard that just one time,

I would be like, "All right, all right, all right.

Cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool.

But, like, straight up, I still don't agree with you,

but I get your aesthetic.

I feel like you could work on these guns, right?

She's got great arms.

But I believe that love is real.

And I believe that love is real...

because you heard me talk about the way that I sleep.

And still, I am going to marry...

a sleepwalker.

[audience laughs, groans]

Yeah, that's... that's true.

That's true. Actually, I should be more specific with you.

It's like sleep-stander, or sleep-lurker.

She doesn't really go anywhere, she kind of gets up

and hangs around.

Which is actually more terrifying.

Imagine it, imagine it. You wake up at night,

there's a blurring object, "What was that?

Oh, well, back to bed."

Or just waking up to, like, bah! Like, a looming shadow.

One time, I woke up,

she was on my side of the bed,

leaning over me,

tucking me in!

I don't know if you've ever seen a sleepwalker.

They're just all dead-eyed. I just woke up to, like...

Like the Crypt Keeper would have been more welcoming.

'Cause, like, that's definitely the last thing you see

before you leave this world, right?

Just like, "Nighty-night! Get ready for the big sleep!"

Like, awful! Awful shit!

But still...

in my half-sleep unconscious before I really even realize

who that is leaning over me,

I do not reach for my knife.

Somewhere in my heart, I know that I love her.

Somewhere in my body, I know I need to protect her.

I do not stab and murder her! Love is real!

[cheering, applause]

I will wake up and she will be

standing in the corner...

my worst spot,

facing the corner.

I'm living the end of Blair Witch.

And all I can think to say is, "Sweetheart,

come back to bed."

If there is a greater argument for marriage equality,

I do not know what it is.

[applause, cheering]

I mean, I don't wanna, like, oversell my importance

in the movement, but, like, we did turn in videotape

of our sleep to the Supreme Court

and I'm pretty sure that's what did it.

I was just like, "Your Honors, I do not kill her at night!

I rest my case!"

Actually...

this is a really great side tangent.

That's not a pocket.

[audience laughs]

"Yo, how was Cameron's show?"

"It was pretty good. She, like...

She does this thing where she kind of like...

she just grazes her right hip up and down.

It's just like a... it's like when she's had

a really good joke, she's just, like, sweet.

Like it's just..."

"Oh, cool, yeah, I've seen that move.

That's a cool move, yeah. Yeah, yeah, cool move.

Cool, cool, cool move."

I've only had to testify in front of a judge one time.

I was hit by a car

when I was riding my bicycle when I lived here in Chicago.

And I had to go to court to get my medical bills paid for.

And the woman completely admitted it was her fault.

But I still had to testify.

And my lawyer said to me, before I went into court,

"Cameron, listen.

When they say 'jury of your peers,'

they do not necessarily mean

jury of your peers."

He was like, "You look very punk rock.

And we need these people to believe you.

And I'm wondering if you would wear your hair in a ponytail

when you testify in court."

And I said, "If you think that it is important,

I will do it.

But you've never seen my hair in a ponytail."

[cheering, applause]

Because when I wear my hair in a ponytail,

it doesn't so much look like

I am a serious businesswoman...

[cheering]

as it does like I'm fighting in the Revolutionary War.

[applause, cheering]

But I won that case 'cause what judge

is gonna rule against one of our founding fathers?

[cheering]

Here's a thing...

that I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I've been thinking about The Blair Witch Project.

I just talked about it, why wouldn't I be thinking about it?

I put it in a joke of mine.

Yes, that's why I was thinking about it.

Great point, the audience.

I was thinking about that movie 'cause we'll never get to have

that movie again, do you realize that?

We'll never get to have that movie again.

We'll never get to experience the joy

that was seeing that movie 'cause we saw that movie

at a time when, like, the Internet didn't really exist

and smartphones were not a thing at all.

And so everybody left that movie and was like,

"Was that real? Well, we have no way to check.

I guess so." And we all thought it was real!

And here's the thing, like, if that movie came out today,

we'd be leaving, we'd just pull out, like,

"Is..." And it would just auto-populate, like,

"The Blair Witch Project real?" No, it's not.

"Are witches real?" No. I mean, witches are real,

but not that kind. They don't have stick piles.

It would say that whole thing.

And I miss some of that, you know?

I miss some of the things that that movie

taught us about ourselves.

Like, as a culture.

You see, that movie taught us that, like,

we believe...

as a culture...

that somebody, an archeologist or, like, a wayward woodsman...

guy dressed as a bush about to shoot a deer...

somebody found a videotape in the woods

of children being murdered,

and what we decided to do about it,

as a culture,

was release it in theaters.

[applause]

That's who we think we are.

"How bad do the kids get killed?" "Oh, very bad."

"Oh, that's gonna move popcorn." Like, that's...

that's who we think we are.

And speaking of changes...

it's not just a change in culture,

I'm finding that I'm going through some changes lately.

They were things I was unprepared for.

Every night at 11 p.m., if I am still awake,

I find that I would like to have a baby.

What now? What?

I mean, they don't even make maternity tuxedo jackets.

Like...

What would I wear?

I've never thought I would want to have.

I never thought I would want to, like, beep! You know--

I mean, I always knew-- I always knew I wanted to parent,

but I thought I would buy or steal kids.

I didn't know I would ever...

consider growing a baby in my body,

because when babies are born, they come out with the full...

head of hair, which means if you reverse that process,

before that baby was born, that mom had a full head

of somebody else's hair inside of her body.

And I don't feel comfortable with that.

I don't think any of us feel comfortable with that.

We will throw away soup if it has one hair...

in it that is not our own.

But an entire head of hair,

and it's already inside of you,

because it grew in there?

Oh, no thank you.

Plus, whenever I imagine child birth, I just imagine,

like, one little arm pops out of my vagina,

and then it unzips me.

I don't actually think I'm that off-base.

Of course, if we decided to do this,

we would have to, you know, get, um...

uh... takeout.

'Cause we don't have all the raw materials for a baby

in our kitchen.

It's like definitely a delivery and not a DiGiorno situation.

Which is fine because I do not like a rising crust,

as it turns out. Yeah.

[applause]

That's an erection joke. I made an erection joke.

And I say that, but I don't want anyone here who gets an erection

to feel shamed, how could I ever do that to you?

How could I ever shame you for having something

that I have at home in a drawer?

I would never do that to you. I would never feel comfortable

being like, "Oh, that is gross.

Hang on, I gotta step in to this." And...

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah. That's true-- yeah.

Yes. Yeah, that's how you-- yep. That's how you--

And actually, just so you guys know,

I'm working to get that changed. I'm working to get that changed.

Strap-ons... no. Step-ins.

Call your congressperson.

Sometimes when people talk about... sperm donors...

You know, like, you're on the train or something

and you hear somebody...

Just, like the conversations are so similar

when you hear people talk about sperm donors.

Like, everybody always be like, "Oh, I got the best one.

Yeah, we got a book,

and there was a lot of baby pictures in there,

we picked a really hot baby.

And then we were like, wait, is this baby also smart?

And yeah, it turns out, hot, smart baby.

So amazing, plus we figured out the rest of our baby's life,

like, how cool that person became as an adult.

It's just like, well, they were a political organizer,

they were a senator, and now they're the president

of the United States." You're like, "Wait.

Barack Obama is your sperm donor?"

And they're like, "Well, we can neither confirm nor deny.

But look at the child's ears."

That's not gonna be me, I'm not gonna...

I'm not gonna follow that strategy.

I think it's the wrong one.

I don't want the best sperm donor in the book.

I want the worst... worst guy in the book.

The guy who was, like, picked up for loitering a lot.

He's irresponsible.

Sometimes you're at a party and you send him out

to get more Doritos, and then he eats all the Doritos

on the way back to the party!

What a selfish guy!

I want that guy

to be my sperm donor.

'Cause then later, when my wife and I are raising our child,

and our child fucks up, because all children fuck up,

then I can turn to her and be like,

"Well, that wasn't us.

That is old Dorito Fingers for sure."

And then if you imagine that, don't you hope

that it's not Cool Ranch?

'Cause, like...

If it's... and if he's a sperm-- he would-- anyway...

I just feel like it would be too spicy.

If we decide to do this, I'm pretty excited about one aspect.

Which is, like, during the time you're trying to brew,

kind of steep a baby in your body,

you watch your cycle, you watch your cycle.

Then you test for, like, mucus and stuff.

And you get really to figure out when you're gonna--

And this is awesome, because...

at least, during that time, for once in my goddamn life,

my period would not be

completely fucking useless to me.

[cheering]

Because I have never had a pregnancy scare.

So it has never been a relief to get it.

[cheering, applause]

And I love to say the word "period" onstage.

I love it.

I love to listen right after,

as all the air goes out of the room.

As it's sucked into all the dudes' buttholes.

[laughter, applause]

"Wait, what?!

Female comic onstage talking about her period!

Oh, no, female comic, turn the microphone

into a dick so we can relax!" No.

I wanna talk about having a period

because female comics aren't supposed to.

It's supposed to be-- oh, it's hack. Don't talk about it.

Oh, so nobody else is supposed-- Don't talk about it!

Don't talk about it! It's gross, don't talk about it.

You know, 51 percent of the U.S. population gets a period.

Did you know that? More of us do than don't.

You could say the sentence, "Like most Americans,

I bleed once a month..."

[cheering, applause]

and that would be true!

We are the majority!

This happens to us, and we don't talk about it.

And it's not because we're grossed out by bodily fluids.

It's not that, because semen is a major plot point

in the movie There's Something About Mary.

And I saw that movie with my parents!

It's because it's a woman's body, right?

We don't wanna talk about women's bodies.

Women's bodies are supposed to-- they're tight and young

and they never age and they never die

and nothing ever goes out of place.

Like, women are supposed to be like a womb with makeup on it.

That's what we're supposed to be.

And we need to talk about this.

Because I wake up in the night...

and I am bleeding...

a crime scene...

into my bed.

A crime scene that then I have to get up and deal with!

I gotta take the sheets and bag them

and send it to the lab for processing!

Find out who did it, it's always me!

I am the victim and the perpetrator every time!

And it's not like a clear...

pourable substance.

And it is not blue.

Chunks.

[laughter, applause]

Chunks of my body...

chunks of my body are crushed

out of my body...

by my body.

Sometimes, the chunks are so large,

the only logical response is to pick it up.

Hold it in my hand and marvel at it.

Well, will you look at that?

That is the size of a strawberry.

That is the size of a non-organic,

pesticide-ridden grocery story strawberry.

A piece of my body in my hand,

and I'm still alive.

[cheering, applause]

I'm still alive,

and I'm holding my body in my hand,

and I'm sitting next to a dude

making 70 cents on his motherfucking dollar.

[cheering]

See, and that's why I do not believe

that periods are disgusting.

Because every month is like Wolverine's origin story,

that we somehow survive.

Our periods are what make us heroes.

Heroes!

- Heroes. - [cheering, applause]

And if you didn't laugh or clap at any of that,

then I just hope...

at the very least...

that I have ruined...

strawberry jelly donuts.

[cheering, applause]

For you forever.

Boy, we've covered a lot, haven't we?

Love and guns and strawberries. We've really...

We've really covered some stuff.

There's one more topic I wanna cover with you guys,

and I'll send you on your way.

- I wanna talk about pot. - [cheering]

And I love that little moment when a couple people go, "Whoo!"

And then other people are like, "Wait, who is 'whooing'?

Do I work with that person? Drug test that person!"

I assume that about the people that don't "whoo,"

but maybe it's the other way.

Maybe they like pot so much that they're sitting there

just like, "Wait, what did she just say?

Why are you making noise?

So don't, actually, do that."

See, I believe that in the next couple of years,

pot is gonna be legalized nationwide.

- I believe that's true. - [cheering]

And I'm not trying to change your mind about it

to get your onboard, I think we are not yet

prepared to deal with this responsibly.

'Cause alcohol has been legal for such a long time,

that we all kind of know how it affects us. Right?

It's like you know about the percentage

and you know how much you can have.

You can have five shots and a beer

and then go to work in the morning.

I know how you drink, Chicago. I know how you fucking drink.

[cheering]

Only place I've ever lived

where somebody gave me a hard time for leaving

before the end of the five a.m. bar.

Like, everybody's like, "Oh, you're leaving at 4:30?

Are you kidding? We get another round and then go get burritos.

What is wrong with you?"

But pot, we don't always know how it affects us.

And also, different strains or different strengths

and, like, sometimes you get a brownie

and it's a huge brownie, but it has almost no pot in it.

Sometimes you get like teeny-weenie brownie

and it's just universes of pot,

folding in on each other like a whole string theory of pot...

that you are exploring as a physicist

in that moment.

"Pot so strong, it makes you a physicist"

is a great... tagline.

I don't think we're always ready for that.

I was in-- I was in Telluride, Colorado

the same week that pot was legalized in Colorado.

And when I first got there,

I noticed the front of their newspaper...

Telluride is a teeny little ski town.

How small? Well, their newspaper is called The Daily Planet

and they don't know that's the name of any other thing.

I was, like, standing in front of it,

take my glasses off, put them back, like...

Look, I'm two guys! No?

Never heard of Superman? Okay.

Now, the front page of the newspaper when I landed

was this big headline, and it just said,

"Seniors OD on pot epidemic."

So I was like, "I have to read this newspaper."

Here's what was going on in town.

People in their sixties and seventies

that had never smoked or eaten weed,

they were going to dispensaries, they were getting a brownie,

they were eating the whole brownie,

and then they were getting so high

that they had to go to the hospital.

But also Telluride does not have

a 24-hour regular, like, full hospital.

It has, like, a little hut that you go to

if you ski into a tree or if you're a horse.

And it doesn't have a full-time staff of doctors.

It has, like, one little doctor live on top of a mountain

with a rotary phone, go like, "What'd you say?"

Grabs a leather bag, gets on a toboggan, goes to work.

So they were unprepared for this epidemic!

I was kind of chuckling to myself,

just imagining just, like, tons of whiskey dogs lined up

and then tons of seniors just sitting on their backs.

Just staring at nothing and waiting for it to pass.

'Cause that's the other thing.

Right? There's no real treatment for when somebody's too high.

Medically, there's nothing you can do.

You just have to be like, "You're okay. You're all right.

You're okay. You're okay. You're okay.

You're all right.

Actually, let me ask you a question.

Do you need music or no music?

As a doctor, I would like to prescribe you

two hours of Adult Swim, like..."

That's all you can do.

I was having a little chuckle imagining this scenario,

and I think the fates came back to get me.

Because that night I was performing

and I was in a venue not unlike this.

It was an opera house with a second-floor balcony,

low railing.

And I'd been onstage for about five minutes,

when I heard somebody in the audience yell out,

"He jumped!"

Now, I'm in a venue with a second-floor balcony.

And I am onstage going, "Oh, my God.

I hope nobody is hurt.

[exhales] Please don't let anybody be hurt."

Also, a little bit, because I'm an arrogant asshole,

I'm going, "How badly was this going?"

That five minutes into my set somebody was like,

"I can't take it!"

Stop the show and I had them turn the lights on.

That's when I saw what had happened.

There was a dude, he was in the middle seat, middle row.

He's probably 21, he'd never smoked or eaten pot in his life.

He went to a store that day, he went to a dispensary,

he got a brownie.

He ate the whole brownie.

Then he came to a standup show

and I was the final comic on that night.

And by the time I was on, he was... all the way high.

He was so high that he knew he needed to get out of there.

But he could no longer remember how to do that.

He came up with a plan, but it was not foolproof.

'Cause what he decided to do was to stand up on his chair,

and then jump two rows forward,

and land on a woman that he did not know.

And it was that woman's friend who had yelled, "He jumped!"

And I get it. I get it.

Nobody's ever looking at their friend and expects to see them

get hit from behind by a full man.

I get it.

But I will say, as the performer in this situation,

if this ever happens to any of you guys out there,

I would recommend maybe instead of yelling, "He jumped,"

if there's a second, maybe you could just say,

"He... propelled himself forward,

but remains at the same level."

[applause, cheering]

That would have helped me out.

As it was, this poor little sweetie...

he couldn't even get down.

He was so high, he was just up there, just turtling.

And we had to call the police

and the police had to call an ambulance,

and EMTs had to come in with a backboard.

They had to bring a stretcher and they had to take that guy

and strap him down, put his neck in a brace

and carry him out of there.

And the whole way he was being carried out of there,

he was yelling one sentence again and again.

And it is a sentence that I did not believe at the time,

and I still don't believe it.

It is a sentence so legendary

that when I returned to Telluride,

I was given breakfast goods,

baked treats of the non-pot variety,

croissants and such, by other people in the town

who remembered this day.

Because what this guy was yelling...

over and over again...

was, "I am Saddam Hussein!"

[laughter]

He was so high,

that he could no longer remember

if he was a hated and deceased dictator...

or Saddam Hussein is alive,

he's in Telluride, he's had plastic surgery,

and he loves standup.

[applause, cheering]

You guys, I tell you this story because I want to protect you.

If you would like...

to have a brownie,

like a whole brownie, if you're just like,

"I really want a brownie,"

then I want you to go to a bakery.

I want you to go to the grocery store.

And I want you to get a brownie.

A regular brownie.

And if you're like, "I'm feeling like I would like

to get an appropriate, pre-Hussein level of high..."

then I would like to recommend that if you get an edible,

it's just like one little pinch, wait 45 minutes,

then maybe you could have a second pinch.

I don't know how you live your life.

Or...

you could take that little pinch of that edible,

kind of roll it between your fingers,

go on that regular brownie, kind of go towards the middle

with that pot brownie, kind of sprinkle some of that in there,

roll it up, it's an edible joint.

And so that's kind of fun, as a craft.

But I have thought of that young man

so many times since.

I have thought of him...

because not only did he have to be carried out of there,

not only do people still offer me breakfast pastries...

because they remember him,

but also he had to be arrested that night.

And when he was arrested,

they had to call his mom.

[audience] Aww!

Can you even imagine...

how that phone call went?

Like, "Ma'am, I'm so sorry.

But your son has gone Hussein."

[laughter, applause]

And then she was just like, "Well, for the first time,

I believe I should never have gone with Dorito Fingers!"

[cheering, laughter]

But at the end, she wrapped up the call optimistically.

Like, "All right. I'm pretty bummed about my son.

But tell me the honest truth.

Since such a terrible thing happened to him,

do you have it on videotape?

I believe it would do very well in theaters."

You guys, I'm Cameron Esposito. Thank you so much...

- [cheering] - for coming out tonight!

- [cheering] - [rock music plays]

[rock music continues]