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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,040 This programme contains very strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,400 HELICOPTER WHIRS 3 00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,640 That'll be the Christmas turkey arriving. 4 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,560 Or something genetically modified to remind you of it. 5 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:14,320 It's also my new number two, sir. 6 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,360 Ah, yes. Corporal House. 7 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,560 I hear he came top in the High Threat course. 8 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,400 He's the best. That's why I chose him. 9 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,280 Thought we'd have a lot in common. 10 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,360 Best isn't always best. 11 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,360 I tend to favour "turns up on time and not a twat". 12 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,760 Don't worry, sir. I'll have him integrated into the team 13 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:32,120 faster than you can say, "Integrated into the team." 14 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:33,800 I admire your confidence. 15 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,200 And your diction. 16 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,320 Oh, and I hear your team's doing the Nativity play. Ah, yeah. 17 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:32,680 I did a trade with a mortar platoon commander back in September. 18 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,360 Didn't think I'd live long enough to actually have to do it. 19 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,200 My condolences on your survival. 20 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,640 Corporal House, sir. Ah! Captain Nick Medhurst. 21 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:43,880 And this is... 22 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,480 That WAS the CO. 23 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,640 Welcome to Bluestone 42. 24 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,200 Let me introduce you to my team. 25 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,200 Look, Corporal, I know this is your first tour, 26 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,600 but I'm sure you'll fit right in. 27 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,480 They're a tightknit, professional unit. 28 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,800 Here we go! 29 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,640 ALL: Ahhhhh! 30 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:07,800 Fuck's sake! 31 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,560 Team. 32 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:10,800 It's Corporal House. 33 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,440 Oh, welcome, welcome. Lance Corporal Lansley. 34 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,880 Oh! Grrr! 35 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,520 You catch us blowing off some steam. 36 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,360 It's called Fire Antlers. 37 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:25,080 The antlers are soaked in petrol. You have to set them alight. 38 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:28,680 Mac thought of it. You know, cos tomorrow it's Christmas. 39 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,560 And, you know, cos Mac is a keen arsonist. 40 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,040 This is Bird, our bleep. This is Rocket, this is Mac. 41 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,800 We used to play something like this back in Leeds when I were a kid. 42 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,000 But with rocks. 43 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,320 It were mint. Come on, then! 44 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,960 ALL: Oh! 45 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,400 Move over! 46 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,600 ALL EXCLAIM Hey? 47 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,800 ALL SHOUT AND LAUGH 48 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,960 Welcome to the team. 49 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,720 Yeah. You're pregnant. 50 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,280 Probably. How has this happened? 51 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,760 The usual way. Fucking. 52 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:38,440 I'm such a prick. They're going to send me home. 53 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:39,760 So, you were in Portsmouth. 54 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,880 Fucked a sailor whose name you have forgotten. 55 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,400 I didn't forget it. Just never found it out. 56 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,200 Well, you did forget that your contraceptive injection ran out 57 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,400 round about the 14th. 58 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,320 And now you're eight days late. 59 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,600 So...piss on that. 60 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,520 Thanks for the tip, cos I was going to dump on it. 61 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,840 # It's Christmas time 62 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,480 # There's no need to be afraid... # 63 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,800 Afraid. Afraid of what? I'm not afraid. 64 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,800 Oh, I was singing a jolly Christmas song. 65 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,280 Yeah. Cheery. 66 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,800 Do you know, I woke up this morning and I realised that 67 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:20,560 this will be the first Christmas without Charlotte in my adult life. 68 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,040 And do you know what I felt? 69 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,120 Relief? Relie... 70 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,200 Relief! Exactly. 71 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,480 I'm a free man! 72 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,000 She can't touch me any more. 73 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,080 She doesn't want to touch you any more. 74 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,480 She made that extremely clear by breaking off your engagement. 75 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:35,520 Yeah. 76 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,400 HE CHUCKLES 77 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:38,800 Yeah! 78 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,760 # There's a world outside your window... # 79 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,720 Ah, shite. Sorry, Skip. 80 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,480 What on earth do you think you're doing? 81 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,200 Deep-fried Milky Ways. It's the taste of Christmas. 82 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,680 With a Milky Way inside. 83 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:57,240 Look, your leave was delayed, you're missing Christmas at home... 84 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,840 so whatever you want do to cheer yourselves up is fine by me. 85 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,080 So, you don't mind the obvious safety implications? 86 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:07,920 Not even a little bit. Hm! Training in five minutes, you monkeys! 87 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,440 Whoo! 88 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:12,640 Simon's happy. 89 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,280 This must change. 90 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,880 SHE SIGHS 91 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,240 SHE PUFFS 92 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,800 Fuck me if that is not all the kit in the world, ever. 93 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,280 It's all there for a reason. 94 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,720 Your ATO, then. 95 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,200 Everyone at HQ reckons he's a right typical Rupert. 96 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,280 Rupert? Nah. His name's Nick. 97 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,120 I think it's short for Nicholas. 98 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,120 Rupert as in officer. 99 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,080 As in posh twat who only got put in charge 100 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,480 cos he's got a silver spoon wedged up his jacksie. 101 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,280 Hm. Interesting, Corporal. 102 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,800 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT No offence. 103 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,000 Some taken. So, Gordon House. 104 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,760 You sound like a tower block. 105 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,120 And you look like Prince William. You related? 106 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,520 Yeah, I'm his real brother. 107 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:20,280 Does that make you more or less inbred? Ooh. Only kidding. 108 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,840 You know, Towerblock might be quite a good name for you, 109 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,880 given as you were probably brought up in one. 110 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,200 Is that the sort of thing a typical Rupert would say? 111 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,600 Wouldn't want to disappoint. 112 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,920 I'm just putting it out there, sir. We do that in Leeds. 113 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,320 You'll get used to it. 114 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,160 And what a fun process that's going to be(!) 115 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:36,760 Happy Christmas Eve, guys! 116 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,320 I thought I'd come and say hi. Mary Greenstock. Padre. 117 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,360 Gordon House. Cheeky Northern bastard. 118 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,520 Ma'am. 119 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:46,080 We'll get used to it, apparently. He's from Leeds. 120 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,280 # Ding dong merrily on high In heaven the bells are... # 121 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:50,840 Ringing? 122 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,880 Padre, do you have the script for the Nativity play? 123 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,280 Yes, because last year at Catterick, we did one... 124 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,240 That's not still happening, is it? It'll be fun! Treading the boards! 125 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,040 And it's great for morale on the base. 126 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,240 If a padre can't raise morale at Christmas, 127 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:04,440 what's the point of her? 128 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:05,600 I've often wondered that. 129 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,560 Boss, tell OIC Mortars we're not doing this stupid play. 130 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,600 Yeah, but then I'd have to give him his delicious Cuban cigars back. 131 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,320 And that's going to be...tricky. 132 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:19,080 So, you sold out your team for a box of posh cigars? 133 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,480 Classic Rupert. 134 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:25,440 I had no choice. They were Cubans. Right, training. 135 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,520 Lesson one... Oh, my God! 136 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:32,000 Well, I never use that, that, that... any of that. 137 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,520 The gantry... is no use to man or beast. 138 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,280 And this - this can go in the bin. 139 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,560 But the brass is non-magnetic, for digging round the device. 140 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,400 Yes... In training, we always used to... 141 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,440 Yeah, well, we're 3,500 miles away from training now, aren't we? 142 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,080 So, just... get all of this squared away. 143 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,000 Captain. As you were. Everything all right? 144 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,440 Integrated as promised? 145 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,200 Fully, sir. 146 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,680 Good, because one of my patrol has found an IED in Yellow Three. 147 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,440 SAT says you're not ready to deploy yet 148 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,000 but you seemed confident earlier. 149 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,040 Yeah. 150 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:09,520 We're ready. 151 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:14,080 Right, Bluestone 42... 152 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:15,600 Off we fuck. 153 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,760 So, if Nick's short for Nicholas, 154 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,720 is Mac short for Macholas? 155 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,640 HORN TOOTS 156 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,160 At the risk of sounding like a Rupert, can you fetch my bags? 157 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,840 Thanks, Towerblock. 158 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,040 That name sticking, is it? Seems to be. 159 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,200 Where's Faruq? 160 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,720 You want goose? 161 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,400 No, Faruq! I want to talk to witnesses. 162 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,440 Christmas dinner! Very tasty. 163 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,320 Ten dollars. It is agreed. 164 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,880 I'm going to dispense with the robot. But shouldn't we at least...? 165 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,960 Bad atmospherics. We need to restore normality ASAP. 166 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,320 Get rid of it. 167 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,920 You just can't get the staff these days. 168 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,880 Typical Rupert. 169 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:48,040 You do all that training but at the end of the day, 170 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,240 it's, "Do what you're told." Yeah? Well... 171 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,960 NORTHERN ACCENT: ..do what you're told 172 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,800 and you might make it out of this tour alive. 173 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,960 I know how to do my job, all right? Just drop the bravado and do what... 174 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,440 Bravado? I'm not scared. 175 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,000 No? Well, you should be. 176 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,880 Half the people round here want to kill us. 177 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,840 And the other half couldn't give a shit if we died right here and now. 178 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,960 Luckily, there are three or four people who think we're ace. Yeah? 179 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,040 Which ones are they? 180 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,880 No idea. But that's what makes it so exciting! 181 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:18,920 Right. 182 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,440 I'm going down there. 183 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,720 Man-bag and disrupter. 184 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,840 Still reckon you'll be better off with the robot. 185 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,720 Yeah, let's waste time discussing a decision I've already taken. 186 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:38,680 Tatty-bye. 187 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,440 Boss on the move. 188 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,400 'OK, Towerblock, the disruptor's ready to go 189 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,920 'and I've bunged some Thermite on the main charge. 190 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,280 'That way we can burn it off and avoid any big bangs.' 191 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,920 If we'd brought the gantry, we could hook and line it out. 192 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,080 I'm a demon with the old hook and line, me. 193 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,120 'I'm sure you're amazing, but we're burning it.' 194 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,840 Cover, everyone. 195 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,680 Stand by for disruptor. Firing. 196 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,840 OK, now hit the Thermite. 197 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,720 Firing Thermite. Stand by. 198 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,640 Firing. 199 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:29,920 FIZZING 200 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,320 Still reckon we could have used the gantry. Pull it out. 201 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,160 Incorrect. This causes less disruption and if we need to go, 202 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,760 we can leave it burning. But what...? Look, Towerblock. 203 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,560 When it comes to IEDs, I do know what I'm talking about... 204 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:53,520 Oh, dear. 205 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,120 There was a second charge underneath on an anti-lift switch, OK? 206 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,880 When enough weight burnt off... woomph! 207 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,560 Like a...bottle of champagne. 208 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:07,680 Champagne? It's kind of fizzy wine. 209 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,440 Do you have that "oop North"? 210 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,560 No. In Armley we mainly drink chip fat. 211 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,360 # God rest ye, merry gentlemen... # Shut up, Simon! 212 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,680 Oh. Boss, when we get back, 213 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,240 we really need to sort out the parts for the Nativity play. 214 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,320 Oh! Can I be the caterpillar? 215 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,840 When we did the Nativity in primary, I was a brilliant caterpillar. 216 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,880 I want to play Herod and slaughter all the wee kiddies. 217 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,880 I'm not sure that... And I'm not playing the Virgin fucking Mary. 218 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,480 I'm no' fucking surprised! Imagine that, Bird a virgin. 219 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,440 THEY LAUGH 220 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,120 Bird being a virgin! 221 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,400 Yes, that would be quite the acting role. 222 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,680 "Mary, turns out you're not a slag." 223 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,000 Padre, did you really write this? 224 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,280 Er, yes, I did! 225 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,480 Not all padres are humourless, uptight... 226 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,160 Actually, that line was written by a private in Catterick. 227 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,560 OK, let's keep this moving. 228 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:07,320 "In a dream I was told that you got pregnant from an angel." 229 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,280 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 230 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,680 "From an angel caterpillar." 231 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,280 That is fucking ridiculous! 232 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,080 Yeah, cos the rest of the Christmas story definitely happened(!) 233 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,560 All right, don't ruin the magic! 234 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,400 Towerblock, Towerblock, Towerblock. 235 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:23,760 Right, just... Intensity! Yeah? Projection! Go! 236 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,240 Oh, I see what's happened. 237 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:29,080 I made the mistake of training for combat, not the fucking West End! 238 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,320 Simon, I'm ready for my close-up... 239 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,000 You'll be on soon, boss. And Mary says... 240 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,240 We must away to Bethlehem 241 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,720 so I can make baby Jesus come out of my foo-foo. 242 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,480 Er, Bird, that's not... 243 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,120 Boop. Let's hit pause that there. OK, Bird. Bird. 244 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,520 Think. 245 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,120 She's pregnant. Hormonal. 246 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,080 Moody. Yeah, I'm doing it fucking moody. 247 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,080 Um, and in the script... Jesus! 248 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,600 Imagine how moody Bird would be if she really was pregnant! 249 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,400 Ha-ha-ha! But which is funnier? 250 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,440 Bird being pregnant or Bird being a virgin? 251 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,440 Seriously... Team! You are on in two hours. 252 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,480 Yeah. OK. You. Ma'am. 253 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,680 I want to talk to you about Mary's...costume? Go! 254 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,280 Uh, sure. No, but you... Oh. 255 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,120 I tell you what. I'm not playing Joseph. 256 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,160 I'm not standing up there looking like a prick. 257 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,480 Pity, cos you're quite good at that. 258 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:21,920 I tell you what. I'll play... Star In The East? 259 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,440 What? You want to play a silent, inanimate object? That's perfect. 260 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,480 Congratulations, Simon. Looks like you're Joseph. 261 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,440 Well, it's natural casting. 262 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,120 For some reason, Mary wears blue and white, 263 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:35,760 but there's no particular reason... 264 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,520 Can we talk about Mary's character? Cos she's fucked, isn't she? 265 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,960 Er, well, technically she's... 266 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,480 Her whole world turned upside down by an unexpected pregnancy. 267 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,240 All her plans ruined. She don't know who the father is. 268 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,560 Well, she does know... She's angry that she lost track 269 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,480 of her fucking contraceptive injection. 270 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:54,200 Bird, is there something you'd like to talk about? 271 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,000 Are you pregnant? No! 272 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,600 Probably not. 273 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,480 Dunno. Maybe. 274 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,680 Did you go to see the medic? You got a test kit? Got it. 275 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,360 Choked it. Binned it. Oh, Bird! 276 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,440 If it comes back positive, I'll be on the first heli back to Bastion. 277 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,120 And Nick needs me now more than ever. 278 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,480 OK. 279 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,920 Well, look how about I get you another test, 280 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,160 and at least that way you'll have all the facts, hm? 281 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,240 I can't believe I've got to play fucking Mary! 282 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,160 Oh, Bird. Leave it with me. 283 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,560 Greetings, shepherds. 284 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:33,240 I brought you a sheep. 285 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,560 Thank you for your very kind gift. 286 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,240 Knock yourself out. 287 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,920 LAUGHTER 288 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:43,760 And then, from the East, the Wise Men came. 289 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,920 What's the first rule? 290 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,280 Find the baby Jesus. 291 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,280 We must follow yonder star in the East. East! 292 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,320 Who the fuck did that?! 293 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,720 You silly cunt! SHELL WHISTLES 294 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,600 Are you trying to start a bloody firefight? 295 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,120 EXPLOSION 296 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,600 Incoming! 297 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,960 Take cover! 298 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,880 MACHINE-GUN FIRE 299 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,840 SHELL WHISTLES 300 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,440 Oh, shit. 301 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,600 They've hit the cookhouse! 302 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,080 Bastards! 303 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:28,720 Corporal Lansley. 304 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,880 Round up the rest of Charlie section and put down suppressing fire. 305 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,000 Sir! Charlie section! On me! 306 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,280 That's for blowing up the cookhouse! 307 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,280 And that's for ruining Christmas dinner! 308 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,680 'Charlie, Charlie One. This is Zero. Stand down.' 309 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,120 Stand down, Rocket! 310 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,040 And that's for the turkey. And the sprouts. 311 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,560 Stand down, I said! 312 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:58,000 Worst Nativity play ever. What's the first rule? 313 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,600 Find the baby Jes...? 314 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,520 Don't destroy the cookhouse and all the turkey in it 315 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,640 on the night before Christmas. 316 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,360 I knew that new number two was going to be trouble. 317 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,760 Sir, I'd like to take full responsibility. 318 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,160 Mm. Yes. I thought you might. Sorry? 319 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,120 You think that taking one for the team 320 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,800 will prove that you're not a Rupert. 321 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,640 But you ARE a Rupert. By definition. 322 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,040 All officers are Ruperts. Well, I... 323 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,920 Rupert's my middle name. Really. 324 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,560 Philip Rupert Smith. 325 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,400 Anyway, you said you were taking full responsibility? Yes, sir. 326 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,640 Right. You're pan-bashing for a week. 327 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,840 A week of washing-up? 328 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,800 Fine. Carry on. 329 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:41,240 # We three kings of Orient are... # 330 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:46,160 MUSIC: "Stop The Cavalry" by Jona Lewie 331 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,640 # Hey, Mr Churchill comes over here 332 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,920 # To say we're doing splendidly 333 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,480 # But it's very cold out here in the snow 334 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,960 # Marching to and from the enemy 335 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,640 # Oh, I say it's tough I have had enough 336 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,680 # Can you stop the cavalry? # 337 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,800 No eggs. No bacon. 338 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,280 And I'm down to my last Milky Way. Cheers, Towerblock. 339 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,600 Shit food and misery. 340 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,680 This is just like Christmas back at home. 341 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,080 Well, in my defence...fuck off! 342 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,520 Look what I've got. Square stockings. 343 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,000 Nice one! Brilliant! 344 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,240 The one good thing about Christmas on tour. A box of free stuff. 345 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,520 Skip. Merry Christmas, everyone. 346 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,560 Merry Christmas, boss! Merry Christmas, boss! 347 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:36,240 Ah, can we just hang fire on the square stockings just for a sec? 348 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,760 Towerblock, a quick word. 349 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:46,360 So, I spoke to the colonel and I took full personal responsibility 350 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,920 for the flare incident. You didn't have to do that. 351 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,680 Yeah, I know, but I'm your officer and I like to look after my team. 352 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,200 Yeah, well, I don't need a Rupert to fight my battles. 353 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,720 You are kidding me? Ooh, thank you for helping me, my lord(!) 354 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,880 It's all us and them with you, isn't it? 355 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,640 Why do you have this huge chip on your shoulder, Towerblock? 356 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:07,280 Because I WAS brought up in a fucking tower block. 357 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,520 My wife was brought up in a fucking tower block. 358 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,240 And people like us can look after ourselves, all right? 359 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,160 Yeah, well, I chose you for this job, so... 360 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:18,040 What do you want? A paper hat? You chose me because I was the best. 361 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,000 Yeah? Well, you're hiding it fucking well! 362 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,040 BIRD CLAPS Yeah! Huge row on Christmas morning. 363 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,160 This IS like being at home. 364 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,840 All we need now is someone crying in the fucking corner. 365 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,240 Oh! Oh, mine's warm. 366 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,840 Ah! Juggling balls, darts... 367 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,560 Cards... Oh! Oh! 368 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,680 It's full of shit. Nah! These are good gizzits! 369 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,880 No. No, really. It's full of shit. Ah! That fucking honks! 370 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,400 THEY LAUGH 371 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:49,160 Here it comes. I've worked so hard for this moment. 372 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:56,040 A few days ago, that would have enraged me. But you know what? 373 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,440 I think it's fucking funny! HE LAUGHS AND WHEEZES 374 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,640 HE SNIFFS 375 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,360 No-one can touch me now. Not any more. 376 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,640 This is the first day of the rest of my life! 377 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,200 I give up! 378 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:19,360 So, Christmas lunch is now ration packs E&G. Morale is in the toilet. 379 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,800 What am I going to do? You want goose? 380 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,000 Well, if I did, how am I going to cook it? 381 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,720 Padre? 382 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:31,880 Walk with me. 383 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,960 Can you really deep-fry a goose? 384 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,200 If you can deep-fry Milky Ways, you can deep-fry a goose. 385 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,240 Sorry to interrupt this... 386 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,000 trip to the burns unit waiting to happen, but we've got a shout on. 387 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,160 Padre. 388 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,400 Put the gas on an hour before. 389 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,560 Oh! And don't test the heat with your fingers. 390 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,000 SHE SIGHS Heh... 391 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:04,480 Oh! 392 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,360 Thanks, Padre. 393 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,920 I didn't want you to look stupid, so I said it was for me. 394 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,800 Stupid? 395 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,200 Not stupid. 396 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,760 Understandably worried. 397 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,800 # I saw three ships come sailing in 398 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:31,040 # On Christmas day On Christmas day... # 399 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,000 Skip! You know we've all got guns, right? 400 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,480 OK. It looks like a bog-standard pressure plate, so... 401 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,040 Your man-bag and disruptor. Oh, my God! 402 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,600 You can't even get it right without being a dick about it. 403 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,360 Boss on the move. 404 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,320 MACHINE-GUN FIRE 405 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,040 Contact left! 406 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:17,080 Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact. Wait out. 407 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,040 Gordon. Get down. 408 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,200 Gordon, get down! 409 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,200 Get down! Get down! 410 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,600 Shit! Bird, Towerblock's been hit. 411 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,640 Shit! 412 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,600 RPG. Didn't function. It's stuck in his body armour. 413 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,480 Gordon! Gordon, are you OK? 414 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,440 OK, Bird. Don't move him. I'm coming back. 415 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,600 OK, Bird. Bird, I'm pinned down. 416 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,400 'You'll have to get his body armour off.' 417 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,720 Rocket! Go! Go! Skip! 418 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,200 Got one! 419 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,640 And another! 420 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:19,960 It really is Christmas! 421 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,920 'Cut his body armour off.' 422 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,120 The quick release is fucked, boss. 423 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:28,160 Gordon! 424 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,440 What the fuck? Don't! 425 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,160 It's a fucking RPG! 426 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:33,840 Shit! Shit! 427 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,320 'Gordon? Listen.' 428 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,040 You've been hit by a RPG. 429 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,880 Yeah, I can fucking see that! 430 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,800 Just stay fucking still. Bird's going to cut your body armour off. 431 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,080 OK! OK! OK! 'Bird...' 432 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:46,680 Slowly. Minimum movement. 433 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,920 Shears! EOD shears! 434 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,360 You what? Towerblock, you are a fucking genius. Bird... 435 00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,320 Big fucking scissors. In the suit kit. On it. 436 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,560 Oh, fuck! 437 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,440 OK! 438 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,720 Now place it carefully on the ground and get clear. 439 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:21,800 'Bird.' 440 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,240 When you've cut it off, 441 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,640 place it really carefully on the ground and stand clear. 442 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,040 'Roger that, boss.' 443 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,000 Hold! Hold! 444 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,960 We're clear! Sounds like we're clear. 445 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,960 Rocket, get him into his body armour. 446 00:24:58,560 --> 00:24:59,960 Are you OK? 447 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,400 If that thing had gone off, man... 448 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,200 Yeah, do you get it now, Towerblock? 449 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,480 It's not us and them. 450 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:09,760 It's us... 451 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:12,680 ..and them. 452 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,720 OK, Bluestone 42. 453 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:20,400 Item number one on the agenda - let's render safe that RPG. 454 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,800 Item number two - we'll render safe the IED. 455 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,360 Any other business? 456 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,640 Fuck off home and deep-fry a goose? 457 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:32,160 Excellent. Although not for us. 458 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:33,720 Or for the goose. 459 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,320 Crack on. 460 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,800 If it doesn't work, we've still got the sprouts. Oh, aye! 461 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,040 No! 462 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,240 Too late. 463 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,560 We should take out the roast. Aye? 464 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,360 What with? 465 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:04,720 Oh! 466 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,400 I've got it! 467 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,720 So, boet, does this hurt? 468 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,560 HE GROANS 469 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,160 Course it fucking hurts! 470 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,080 Yeah, I thought it would. 471 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,960 Towerblock? You're up. 472 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,080 THEY CHEER 473 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:47,000 Nice one, Towerblock. Finally found a use for the gantry. Right! 474 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:52,000 And, boss, look, thanks for copping it for the flare. 475 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,360 No problem. 476 00:26:58,280 --> 00:26:59,480 Yeah! 477 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,640 Really great shit. 478 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,240 Personal best. 479 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,800 Pregnant? Nope. 480 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:20,000 Bluestone 42? Table for six just here. 481 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:21,640 Thank you. Happy Christmas. 482 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,040 Attention, please. Brigade HQ have sent an urgent message. 483 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:30,400 "Happy Christmas." 484 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,320 Carry on. 485 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,720 Well, this looks edible. 486 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,080 Technically. 487 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,760 Right, team, a toast. To Bluestone 42 and our new member. 488 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,200 To us. 489 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:46,600 ALL: To us. 490 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:48,080 Fucking hell! 491 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:56,800 Charlotte got married. Some Army... captain she met at...Tiger Tiger. 492 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,440 Captain Parfitt. 493 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,520 Oh, Parfo! I went to Sandhurst with him. Top man. 494 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,160 That was a bit Ruperty, wasn't it? 495 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,520 HE MOUTHS 496 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,160 Fucking married. 497 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,120 Someone crying in the corner. Yay! It's finally Christmas. 498 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:13,680 We've got something to cheer you up. 499 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,840 It's your pillow. 500 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,160 We deep-fried it. 501 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:21,440 Aye. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside! 502 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,640 It's like sleeping on a doughnut. 503 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:26,880 Not funny, guys. 504 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,600 Not FUCKING funny! 505 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,760 Yes! The old Simon is back! 506 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:35,520 Oi! 507 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,000 Food fight! 508 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,640 Well done, Padre. Morale raised. 509 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,040 This isn't quite what I had in mind, but... 510 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:56,840 ..fuck it, it'll do. 511 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:58,680 Quite. Carry on. 37800

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