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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,040
This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour.
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,400
HELICOPTER WHIRS
3
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,640
That'll be
the Christmas turkey arriving.
4
00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,560
Or something genetically modified
to remind you of it.
5
00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:14,320
It's also my new number two, sir.
6
00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,360
Ah, yes. Corporal House.
7
00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,560
I hear he came top
in the High Threat course.
8
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,400
He's the best.
That's why I chose him.
9
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,280
Thought we'd have a lot in common.
10
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,360
Best isn't always best.
11
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,360
I tend to favour
"turns up on time and not a twat".
12
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,760
Don't worry, sir. I'll have him
integrated into the team
13
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:32,120
faster than you can say,
"Integrated into the team."
14
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:33,800
I admire your confidence.
15
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,200
And your diction.
16
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,320
Oh, and I hear your team's
doing the Nativity play. Ah, yeah.
17
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:32,680
I did a trade with a mortar platoon
commander back in September.
18
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,360
Didn't think I'd live long enough
to actually have to do it.
19
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,200
My condolences on your survival.
20
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,640
Corporal House, sir.
Ah! Captain Nick Medhurst.
21
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:43,880
And this is...
22
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,480
That WAS the CO.
23
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,640
Welcome to Bluestone 42.
24
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,200
Let me introduce you to my team.
25
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,200
Look, Corporal,
I know this is your first tour,
26
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,600
but I'm sure you'll fit right in.
27
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,480
They're a tightknit,
professional unit.
28
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,800
Here we go!
29
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,640
ALL: Ahhhhh!
30
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:07,800
Fuck's sake!
31
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,560
Team.
32
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:10,800
It's Corporal House.
33
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,440
Oh, welcome, welcome.
Lance Corporal Lansley.
34
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,880
Oh! Grrr!
35
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,520
You catch us blowing off some steam.
36
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,360
It's called Fire Antlers.
37
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:25,080
The antlers are soaked in petrol.
You have to set them alight.
38
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:28,680
Mac thought of it. You know,
cos tomorrow it's Christmas.
39
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,560
And, you know,
cos Mac is a keen arsonist.
40
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,040
This is Bird, our bleep.
This is Rocket, this is Mac.
41
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,800
We used to play something like this
back in Leeds when I were a kid.
42
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,000
But with rocks.
43
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,320
It were mint. Come on, then!
44
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,960
ALL: Oh!
45
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,400
Move over!
46
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,600
ALL EXCLAIM
Hey?
47
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,800
ALL SHOUT AND LAUGH
48
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,960
Welcome to the team.
49
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,720
Yeah. You're pregnant.
50
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,280
Probably. How has this happened?
51
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,760
The usual way. Fucking.
52
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:38,440
I'm such a prick.
They're going to send me home.
53
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:39,760
So, you were in Portsmouth.
54
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,880
Fucked a sailor
whose name you have forgotten.
55
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,400
I didn't forget it.
Just never found it out.
56
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,200
Well, you did forget that
your contraceptive injection ran out
57
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,400
round about the 14th.
58
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,320
And now you're eight days late.
59
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,600
So...piss on that.
60
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,520
Thanks for the tip,
cos I was going to dump on it.
61
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,840
# It's Christmas time
62
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,480
# There's no need to be afraid... #
63
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,800
Afraid. Afraid of what?
I'm not afraid.
64
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,800
Oh, I was singing
a jolly Christmas song.
65
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,280
Yeah. Cheery.
66
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,800
Do you know, I woke up this morning
and I realised that
67
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:20,560
this will be the first Christmas
without Charlotte in my adult life.
68
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,040
And do you know what I felt?
69
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,120
Relief? Relie...
70
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,200
Relief! Exactly.
71
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,480
I'm a free man!
72
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,000
She can't touch me any more.
73
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,080
She doesn't want to touch you
any more.
74
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,480
She made that extremely clear
by breaking off your engagement.
75
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:35,520
Yeah.
76
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,400
HE CHUCKLES
77
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:38,800
Yeah!
78
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,760
# There's a world
outside your window... #
79
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,720
Ah, shite. Sorry, Skip.
80
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,480
What on earth
do you think you're doing?
81
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,200
Deep-fried Milky Ways.
It's the taste of Christmas.
82
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,680
With a Milky Way inside.
83
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:57,240
Look, your leave was delayed,
you're missing Christmas at home...
84
00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,840
so whatever you want do to cheer
yourselves up is fine by me.
85
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,080
So, you don't mind
the obvious safety implications?
86
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:07,920
Not even a little bit. Hm! Training
in five minutes, you monkeys!
87
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,440
Whoo!
88
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:12,640
Simon's happy.
89
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,280
This must change.
90
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,880
SHE SIGHS
91
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,240
SHE PUFFS
92
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,800
Fuck me if that is not
all the kit in the world, ever.
93
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,280
It's all there for a reason.
94
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,720
Your ATO, then.
95
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,200
Everyone at HQ reckons
he's a right typical Rupert.
96
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,280
Rupert? Nah. His name's Nick.
97
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,120
I think it's short for Nicholas.
98
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,120
Rupert as in officer.
99
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,080
As in posh twat
who only got put in charge
100
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,480
cos he's got a silver spoon
wedged up his jacksie.
101
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,280
Hm. Interesting, Corporal.
102
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,800
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
No offence.
103
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,000
Some taken. So, Gordon House.
104
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,760
You sound like a tower block.
105
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,120
And you look like Prince William.
You related?
106
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,520
Yeah, I'm his real brother.
107
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:20,280
Does that make you more or less
inbred? Ooh. Only kidding.
108
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,840
You know, Towerblock might be
quite a good name for you,
109
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,880
given as you were probably
brought up in one.
110
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,200
Is that the sort of thing
a typical Rupert would say?
111
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,600
Wouldn't want to disappoint.
112
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,920
I'm just putting it out there, sir.
We do that in Leeds.
113
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,320
You'll get used to it.
114
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,160
And what a fun process
that's going to be(!)
115
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:36,760
Happy Christmas Eve, guys!
116
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,320
I thought I'd come and say hi.
Mary Greenstock. Padre.
117
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,360
Gordon House.
Cheeky Northern bastard.
118
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,520
Ma'am.
119
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:46,080
We'll get used to it, apparently.
He's from Leeds.
120
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,280
# Ding dong merrily on high
In heaven the bells are... #
121
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:50,840
Ringing?
122
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,880
Padre, do you have the script
for the Nativity play?
123
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,280
Yes, because last year
at Catterick, we did one...
124
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,240
That's not still happening, is it?
It'll be fun! Treading the boards!
125
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,040
And it's great for morale
on the base.
126
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,240
If a padre can't raise morale
at Christmas,
127
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:04,440
what's the point of her?
128
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:05,600
I've often wondered that.
129
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,560
Boss, tell OIC Mortars
we're not doing this stupid play.
130
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,600
Yeah, but then I'd have to give him
his delicious Cuban cigars back.
131
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,320
And that's going to be...tricky.
132
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:19,080
So, you sold out your team
for a box of posh cigars?
133
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,480
Classic Rupert.
134
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:25,440
I had no choice. They were Cubans.
Right, training.
135
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,520
Lesson one... Oh, my God!
136
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:32,000
Well, I never use that, that, that...
any of that.
137
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,520
The gantry...
is no use to man or beast.
138
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,280
And this - this can go in the bin.
139
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,560
But the brass is non-magnetic,
for digging round the device.
140
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,400
Yes... In training,
we always used to...
141
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,440
Yeah, well, we're 3,500 miles away
from training now, aren't we?
142
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,080
So, just...
get all of this squared away.
143
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,000
Captain. As you were.
Everything all right?
144
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,440
Integrated as promised?
145
00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,200
Fully, sir.
146
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,680
Good, because one of my patrol
has found an IED in Yellow Three.
147
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,440
SAT says you're not ready
to deploy yet
148
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,000
but you seemed confident earlier.
149
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,040
Yeah.
150
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:09,520
We're ready.
151
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:14,080
Right, Bluestone 42...
152
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:15,600
Off we fuck.
153
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,760
So, if Nick's short for Nicholas,
154
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,720
is Mac short for Macholas?
155
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,640
HORN TOOTS
156
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,160
At the risk of sounding like
a Rupert, can you fetch my bags?
157
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,840
Thanks, Towerblock.
158
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,040
That name sticking, is it?
Seems to be.
159
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,200
Where's Faruq?
160
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,720
You want goose?
161
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,400
No, Faruq!
I want to talk to witnesses.
162
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,440
Christmas dinner! Very tasty.
163
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,320
Ten dollars. It is agreed.
164
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,880
I'm going to dispense with the robot.
But shouldn't we at least...?
165
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,960
Bad atmospherics.
We need to restore normality ASAP.
166
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,320
Get rid of it.
167
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,920
You just can't get the staff
these days.
168
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,880
Typical Rupert.
169
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:48,040
You do all that training
but at the end of the day,
170
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,240
it's, "Do what you're told."
Yeah? Well...
171
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,960
NORTHERN ACCENT:
..do what you're told
172
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,800
and you might make it
out of this tour alive.
173
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,960
I know how to do my job, all right?
Just drop the bravado and do what...
174
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,440
Bravado? I'm not scared.
175
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,000
No? Well, you should be.
176
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,880
Half the people round here
want to kill us.
177
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,840
And the other half couldn't give a
shit if we died right here and now.
178
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,960
Luckily, there are three or four
people who think we're ace. Yeah?
179
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,040
Which ones are they?
180
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,880
No idea. But that's what makes it
so exciting!
181
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:18,920
Right.
182
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,440
I'm going down there.
183
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,720
Man-bag and disrupter.
184
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,840
Still reckon you'll be better off
with the robot.
185
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,720
Yeah, let's waste time discussing
a decision I've already taken.
186
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:38,680
Tatty-bye.
187
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,440
Boss on the move.
188
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,400
'OK, Towerblock,
the disruptor's ready to go
189
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,920
'and I've bunged some Thermite
on the main charge.
190
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,280
'That way we can burn it off
and avoid any big bangs.'
191
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,920
If we'd brought the gantry,
we could hook and line it out.
192
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,080
I'm a demon
with the old hook and line, me.
193
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,120
'I'm sure you're amazing,
but we're burning it.'
194
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,840
Cover, everyone.
195
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,680
Stand by for disruptor. Firing.
196
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,840
OK, now hit the Thermite.
197
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,720
Firing Thermite. Stand by.
198
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,640
Firing.
199
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:29,920
FIZZING
200
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,320
Still reckon we could have used
the gantry. Pull it out.
201
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,160
Incorrect. This causes less
disruption and if we need to go,
202
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,760
we can leave it burning.
But what...? Look, Towerblock.
203
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,560
When it comes to IEDs,
I do know what I'm talking about...
204
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:53,520
Oh, dear.
205
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,120
There was a second charge underneath
on an anti-lift switch, OK?
206
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,880
When enough weight burnt off...
woomph!
207
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,560
Like a...bottle of champagne.
208
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:07,680
Champagne? It's kind of fizzy wine.
209
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,440
Do you have that "oop North"?
210
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,560
No. In Armley
we mainly drink chip fat.
211
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,360
# God rest ye, merry gentlemen... #
Shut up, Simon!
212
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,680
Oh. Boss, when we get back,
213
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,240
we really need to sort out the parts
for the Nativity play.
214
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,320
Oh! Can I be the caterpillar?
215
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,840
When we did the Nativity in primary,
I was a brilliant caterpillar.
216
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,880
I want to play Herod
and slaughter all the wee kiddies.
217
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,880
I'm not sure that... And I'm not
playing the Virgin fucking Mary.
218
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,480
I'm no' fucking surprised!
Imagine that, Bird a virgin.
219
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,440
THEY LAUGH
220
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,120
Bird being a virgin!
221
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,400
Yes, that would be
quite the acting role.
222
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,680
"Mary, turns out you're not a slag."
223
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,000
Padre, did you really write this?
224
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,280
Er, yes, I did!
225
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,480
Not all padres
are humourless, uptight...
226
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,160
Actually, that line was written
by a private in Catterick.
227
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,560
OK, let's keep this moving.
228
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:07,320
"In a dream I was told that
you got pregnant from an angel."
229
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,280
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
230
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,680
"From an angel caterpillar."
231
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,280
That is fucking ridiculous!
232
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,080
Yeah, cos the rest of the Christmas
story definitely happened(!)
233
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,560
All right, don't ruin the magic!
234
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,400
Towerblock, Towerblock, Towerblock.
235
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:23,760
Right, just...
Intensity! Yeah? Projection! Go!
236
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,240
Oh, I see what's happened.
237
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:29,080
I made the mistake of training for
combat, not the fucking West End!
238
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,320
Simon, I'm ready for my close-up...
239
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,000
You'll be on soon, boss.
And Mary says...
240
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,240
We must away to Bethlehem
241
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,720
so I can make baby Jesus
come out of my foo-foo.
242
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,480
Er, Bird, that's not...
243
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,120
Boop. Let's hit pause that there.
OK, Bird. Bird.
244
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,520
Think.
245
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,120
She's pregnant. Hormonal.
246
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,080
Moody.
Yeah, I'm doing it fucking moody.
247
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,080
Um, and in the script... Jesus!
248
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,600
Imagine how moody Bird would be
if she really was pregnant!
249
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,400
Ha-ha-ha! But which is funnier?
250
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,440
Bird being pregnant
or Bird being a virgin?
251
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,440
Seriously... Team!
You are on in two hours.
252
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,480
Yeah. OK. You. Ma'am.
253
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,680
I want to talk to you
about Mary's...costume? Go!
254
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,280
Uh, sure. No, but you... Oh.
255
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,120
I tell you what.
I'm not playing Joseph.
256
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,160
I'm not standing up there
looking like a prick.
257
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,480
Pity, cos you're quite good at that.
258
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:21,920
I tell you what. I'll play...
Star In The East?
259
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,440
What? You want to play a silent,
inanimate object? That's perfect.
260
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,480
Congratulations, Simon.
Looks like you're Joseph.
261
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,440
Well, it's natural casting.
262
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,120
For some reason,
Mary wears blue and white,
263
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:35,760
but there's no particular reason...
264
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,520
Can we talk about Mary's character?
Cos she's fucked, isn't she?
265
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,960
Er, well, technically she's...
266
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,480
Her whole world turned upside down
by an unexpected pregnancy.
267
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,240
All her plans ruined.
She don't know who the father is.
268
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,560
Well, she does know...
She's angry that she lost track
269
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,480
of her fucking
contraceptive injection.
270
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:54,200
Bird, is there something
you'd like to talk about?
271
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,000
Are you pregnant? No!
272
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,600
Probably not.
273
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,480
Dunno. Maybe.
274
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,680
Did you go to see the medic?
You got a test kit? Got it.
275
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,360
Choked it. Binned it. Oh, Bird!
276
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,440
If it comes back positive, I'll be
on the first heli back to Bastion.
277
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,120
And Nick needs me now
more than ever.
278
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,480
OK.
279
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,920
Well, look how about
I get you another test,
280
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,160
and at least that way
you'll have all the facts, hm?
281
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,240
I can't believe
I've got to play fucking Mary!
282
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,160
Oh, Bird. Leave it with me.
283
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,560
Greetings, shepherds.
284
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:33,240
I brought you a sheep.
285
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,560
Thank you for your very kind gift.
286
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,240
Knock yourself out.
287
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,920
LAUGHTER
288
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:43,760
And then, from the East,
the Wise Men came.
289
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,920
What's the first rule?
290
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,280
Find the baby Jesus.
291
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,280
We must follow yonder star
in the East. East!
292
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,320
Who the fuck did that?!
293
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,720
You silly cunt!
SHELL WHISTLES
294
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,600
Are you trying
to start a bloody firefight?
295
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,120
EXPLOSION
296
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,600
Incoming!
297
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,960
Take cover!
298
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,880
MACHINE-GUN FIRE
299
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,840
SHELL WHISTLES
300
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,440
Oh, shit.
301
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,600
They've hit the cookhouse!
302
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,080
Bastards!
303
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:28,720
Corporal Lansley.
304
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,880
Round up the rest of Charlie section
and put down suppressing fire.
305
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,000
Sir! Charlie section! On me!
306
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,280
That's for blowing up the cookhouse!
307
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,280
And that's for ruining
Christmas dinner!
308
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,680
'Charlie, Charlie One.
This is Zero. Stand down.'
309
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,120
Stand down, Rocket!
310
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,040
And that's for the turkey.
And the sprouts.
311
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,560
Stand down, I said!
312
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:58,000
Worst Nativity play ever.
What's the first rule?
313
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,600
Find the baby Jes...?
314
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,520
Don't destroy the cookhouse
and all the turkey in it
315
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,640
on the night before Christmas.
316
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,360
I knew that new number two
was going to be trouble.
317
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,760
Sir, I'd like to take
full responsibility.
318
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,160
Mm. Yes. I thought you might. Sorry?
319
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,120
You think that
taking one for the team
320
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,800
will prove that you're not a Rupert.
321
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,640
But you ARE a Rupert. By definition.
322
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,040
All officers are Ruperts. Well, I...
323
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,920
Rupert's my middle name. Really.
324
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,560
Philip Rupert Smith.
325
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,400
Anyway, you said you were taking
full responsibility? Yes, sir.
326
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,640
Right.
You're pan-bashing for a week.
327
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,840
A week of washing-up?
328
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,800
Fine. Carry on.
329
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:41,240
# We three kings of Orient are... #
330
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:46,160
MUSIC: "Stop The Cavalry"
by Jona Lewie
331
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,640
# Hey, Mr Churchill comes over here
332
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,920
# To say we're doing splendidly
333
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,480
# But it's very cold
out here in the snow
334
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,960
# Marching to and from the enemy
335
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,640
# Oh, I say it's tough
I have had enough
336
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,680
# Can you stop the cavalry? #
337
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,800
No eggs. No bacon.
338
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,280
And I'm down to my last Milky Way.
Cheers, Towerblock.
339
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,600
Shit food and misery.
340
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,680
This is just like Christmas
back at home.
341
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,080
Well, in my defence...fuck off!
342
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,520
Look what I've got.
Square stockings.
343
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,000
Nice one! Brilliant!
344
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,240
The one good thing about Christmas
on tour. A box of free stuff.
345
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,520
Skip. Merry Christmas, everyone.
346
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,560
Merry Christmas, boss!
Merry Christmas, boss!
347
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:36,240
Ah, can we just hang fire on
the square stockings just for a sec?
348
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,760
Towerblock, a quick word.
349
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:46,360
So, I spoke to the colonel and
I took full personal responsibility
350
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,920
for the flare incident.
You didn't have to do that.
351
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,680
Yeah, I know, but I'm your officer
and I like to look after my team.
352
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,200
Yeah, well, I don't need a Rupert
to fight my battles.
353
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,720
You are kidding me? Ooh, thank you
for helping me, my lord(!)
354
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,880
It's all us and them with you,
isn't it?
355
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,640
Why do you have this huge chip
on your shoulder, Towerblock?
356
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:07,280
Because I WAS brought up
in a fucking tower block.
357
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,520
My wife was brought up
in a fucking tower block.
358
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,240
And people like us
can look after ourselves, all right?
359
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,160
Yeah, well,
I chose you for this job, so...
360
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:18,040
What do you want? A paper hat?
You chose me because I was the best.
361
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,000
Yeah? Well, you're hiding it
fucking well!
362
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,040
BIRD CLAPS
Yeah! Huge row on Christmas morning.
363
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,160
This IS like being at home.
364
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,840
All we need now is someone crying
in the fucking corner.
365
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,240
Oh! Oh, mine's warm.
366
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,840
Ah! Juggling balls, darts...
367
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,560
Cards... Oh! Oh!
368
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,680
It's full of shit.
Nah! These are good gizzits!
369
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,880
No. No, really. It's full of shit.
Ah! That fucking honks!
370
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,400
THEY LAUGH
371
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:49,160
Here it comes. I've worked so hard
for this moment.
372
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:56,040
A few days ago, that would have
enraged me. But you know what?
373
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,440
I think it's fucking funny!
HE LAUGHS AND WHEEZES
374
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,640
HE SNIFFS
375
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,360
No-one can touch me now.
Not any more.
376
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,640
This is the first day
of the rest of my life!
377
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,200
I give up!
378
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:19,360
So, Christmas lunch is now ration
packs E&G. Morale is in the toilet.
379
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,800
What am I going to do?
You want goose?
380
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,000
Well, if I did,
how am I going to cook it?
381
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,720
Padre?
382
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:31,880
Walk with me.
383
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,960
Can you really deep-fry a goose?
384
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,200
If you can deep-fry Milky Ways,
you can deep-fry a goose.
385
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,240
Sorry to interrupt this...
386
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,000
trip to the burns unit waiting
to happen, but we've got a shout on.
387
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,160
Padre.
388
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,400
Put the gas on an hour before.
389
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,560
Oh! And don't test the heat
with your fingers.
390
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,000
SHE SIGHS
Heh...
391
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:04,480
Oh!
392
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,360
Thanks, Padre.
393
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,920
I didn't want you to look stupid,
so I said it was for me.
394
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,800
Stupid?
395
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,200
Not stupid.
396
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,760
Understandably worried.
397
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,800
# I saw three ships come sailing in
398
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:31,040
# On Christmas day
On Christmas day... #
399
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,000
Skip! You know
we've all got guns, right?
400
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,480
OK. It looks like a bog-standard
pressure plate, so...
401
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,040
Your man-bag and disruptor.
Oh, my God!
402
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,600
You can't even get it right
without being a dick about it.
403
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,360
Boss on the move.
404
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,320
MACHINE-GUN FIRE
405
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,040
Contact left!
406
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:17,080
Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42.
Contact. Wait out.
407
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,040
Gordon. Get down.
408
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,200
Gordon, get down!
409
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,200
Get down! Get down!
410
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,600
Shit! Bird, Towerblock's been hit.
411
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,640
Shit!
412
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,600
RPG. Didn't function.
It's stuck in his body armour.
413
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,480
Gordon! Gordon, are you OK?
414
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,440
OK, Bird. Don't move him.
I'm coming back.
415
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,600
OK, Bird. Bird, I'm pinned down.
416
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,400
'You'll have to get
his body armour off.'
417
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,720
Rocket! Go! Go! Skip!
418
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,200
Got one!
419
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,640
And another!
420
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:19,960
It really is Christmas!
421
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,920
'Cut his body armour off.'
422
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,120
The quick release is fucked, boss.
423
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:28,160
Gordon!
424
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,440
What the fuck? Don't!
425
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,160
It's a fucking RPG!
426
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:33,840
Shit! Shit!
427
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,320
'Gordon? Listen.'
428
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,040
You've been hit by a RPG.
429
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,880
Yeah, I can fucking see that!
430
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,800
Just stay fucking still. Bird's
going to cut your body armour off.
431
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,080
OK! OK! OK! 'Bird...'
432
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:46,680
Slowly. Minimum movement.
433
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,920
Shears! EOD shears!
434
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,360
You what? Towerblock,
you are a fucking genius. Bird...
435
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,320
Big fucking scissors.
In the suit kit. On it.
436
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,560
Oh, fuck!
437
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,440
OK!
438
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,720
Now place it carefully
on the ground and get clear.
439
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:21,800
'Bird.'
440
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,240
When you've cut it off,
441
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,640
place it really carefully
on the ground and stand clear.
442
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,040
'Roger that, boss.'
443
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,000
Hold! Hold!
444
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,960
We're clear!
Sounds like we're clear.
445
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,960
Rocket, get him
into his body armour.
446
00:24:58,560 --> 00:24:59,960
Are you OK?
447
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,400
If that thing had gone off, man...
448
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,200
Yeah, do you get it now, Towerblock?
449
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,480
It's not us and them.
450
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:09,760
It's us...
451
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:12,680
..and them.
452
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,720
OK, Bluestone 42.
453
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:20,400
Item number one on the agenda -
let's render safe that RPG.
454
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,800
Item number two -
we'll render safe the IED.
455
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,360
Any other business?
456
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,640
Fuck off home and deep-fry a goose?
457
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:32,160
Excellent. Although not for us.
458
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:33,720
Or for the goose.
459
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,320
Crack on.
460
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,800
If it doesn't work, we've still got
the sprouts. Oh, aye!
461
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,040
No!
462
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,240
Too late.
463
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,560
We should take out the roast. Aye?
464
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,360
What with?
465
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:04,720
Oh!
466
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,400
I've got it!
467
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,720
So, boet, does this hurt?
468
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,560
HE GROANS
469
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,160
Course it fucking hurts!
470
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,080
Yeah, I thought it would.
471
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,960
Towerblock? You're up.
472
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,080
THEY CHEER
473
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:47,000
Nice one, Towerblock. Finally
found a use for the gantry. Right!
474
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:52,000
And, boss, look,
thanks for copping it for the flare.
475
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,360
No problem.
476
00:26:58,280 --> 00:26:59,480
Yeah!
477
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,640
Really great shit.
478
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,240
Personal best.
479
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,800
Pregnant? Nope.
480
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:20,000
Bluestone 42?
Table for six just here.
481
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:21,640
Thank you. Happy Christmas.
482
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,040
Attention, please. Brigade HQ
have sent an urgent message.
483
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:30,400
"Happy Christmas."
484
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,320
Carry on.
485
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,720
Well, this looks edible.
486
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,080
Technically.
487
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,760
Right, team, a toast.
To Bluestone 42 and our new member.
488
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,200
To us.
489
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:46,600
ALL: To us.
490
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:48,080
Fucking hell!
491
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:56,800
Charlotte got married. Some Army...
captain she met at...Tiger Tiger.
492
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,440
Captain Parfitt.
493
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,520
Oh, Parfo! I went to Sandhurst
with him. Top man.
494
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,160
That was a bit Ruperty, wasn't it?
495
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,520
HE MOUTHS
496
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,160
Fucking married.
497
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,120
Someone crying in the corner. Yay!
It's finally Christmas.
498
00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:13,680
We've got something to cheer you up.
499
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,840
It's your pillow.
500
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,160
We deep-fried it.
501
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:21,440
Aye. Crispy on the outside,
fluffy on the inside!
502
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,640
It's like sleeping on a doughnut.
503
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:26,880
Not funny, guys.
504
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,600
Not FUCKING funny!
505
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,760
Yes! The old Simon is back!
506
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:35,520
Oi!
507
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,000
Food fight!
508
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,640
Well done, Padre. Morale raised.
509
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,040
This isn't quite
what I had in mind, but...
510
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:56,840
..fuck it, it'll do.
511
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:58,680
Quite. Carry on.
37800
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