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1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:05,800
This programme contains
strong language
2
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,560
Eh, Rocket... Hm?
3
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:20,680
Look at that. Goat-on-goat
action.
4
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:23,880
Brilliant!
5
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,400
Rocket, Mac - focus!
6
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,680
Leave doesn't start for...
7
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:28,800
43 hours.
8
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:30,080
Stay sharp.
9
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,920
The enemy wants us to be distracted.
10
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,680
Are you saying the Taliban dress up
as goats and shag each other?
11
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,320
Now, that's commitment.
ROCKET SNORTS
12
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,560
Enough! Eyes on.
13
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,960
MAN SPEAKS IN PASHTO
14
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,120
TRANSLATION FROM PASHTO
15
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,480
What's he saying about his
goats, Faruq?
16
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,520
He does not want to...
17
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,840
Hang on... You speak Pashto?
18
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,000
HE SPEAKS IN PASHTO
Er, since when?
19
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:05,280
Check it out, everyone - Millsy is
learning my language!
20
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,200
Nice one, Millsy.
Yeah, well...
21
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,880
I was thinking of learning Pashto
too, as it goes.
22
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,320
HE CHUCKLES
23
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:14,000
A woman cannot learn two
languages. It is impossible.
24
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,080
I beg your pardon?
25
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,600
And FYI, I already speak
French.
26
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,640
SHE SPEAKS IN FRENCH
27
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,120
Is she making that up?
28
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,360
Very nice, Millsy.
29
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:29,520
Bumlick.
30
00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,600
JET SCREAMS OVERHEAD
31
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,440
Bet they goats give you a few ideas
for your wedding night, eh, Skip?
32
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,400
BOTH: Baaaa! No.
33
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:09,000
A few ideas for the stag do?
34
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,960
BOTH: Baaa! Baa!
35
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,120
Well, my... Baaa!
36
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,880
My brother's promised me
a wild night.
37
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,880
I'm not sure that involves goats,
though.
38
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,720
What's he got planned, then? All I
know is that I've got to meet him
39
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,600
at Southend Pier next Friday night.
40
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,280
Next week?
But we're up in Scotland.
41
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,640
Like the wedding,
you're not invited.
42
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,400
Oh, shite, Skip - what about
morale?
43
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,800
This the stag do? Aye.
44
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,120
It's next week. Southend!
45
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,520
Oh, thanks a bunch, Simon.
46
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:37,280
We haven't all got a week's leave.
47
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,720
Everything all right with the
device, boss? Yeah, piece of piss.
48
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,120
Obviously I'm going to tell Mary
it was a nightmare.
49
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,920
She's off on leave as well
in a couple of days.
50
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,560
Got to seize the moment, find
something to impress her.
51
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,920
Having another go while she's
weak, tired, ready to go home.
52
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,640
You make me sound like...
53
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,200
Do you really think she's going
to be weak at the moment?
54
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,400
I was joking.
So was I.
55
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:00,920
But you do think she's weak?
56
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,160
I joined the Army so I didn't
have to have girly chats,
57
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,360
but hey, let's plait each
other's hair
58
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,480
and stick on Dirty Dancing, shall we?
59
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,560
Knock, knock.
Come in. Oh, you have.
60
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:28,200
So, Nick - what can I do
for you?
61
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,080
In my professional capacity,
that is.
62
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,640
Just had a tough day, you
know.
63
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,960
Uh-huh.
A really tough device.
64
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,600
Two switches on the main charge,
65
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,560
one was a pressure plate,
the other was...
66
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,080
Millsy said it was
a nice easy one.
67
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,160
Don't listen to everything
that Millsy says.
68
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,360
Millsy, the pathologically truthful
one, I should watch out for him!
69
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,560
I think it's my expert
assessment that...
70
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,920
Apparently, you said it was
"a piece of piss".
71
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,080
No such thing as a straightforward
IED, Mary.
72
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,040
They're all different, improvised.
That's what the "I" stands for.
73
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,200
What does the "E" stand for?
Oh, yeah - explosive.
74
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,720
Yeah. And the "D"...
75
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,000
Well, that just stands for device,
doesn't matter.
76
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,880
Anyway, I basically totally
fucking nailed it.
77
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,960
Good. Well done, you.
78
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,760
Now, these won't pack themselves...
I'm not Mary Poppins.
79
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,560
CLICKS FINGERS: No!
80
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:14,520
Was this toucan a present from Will?
What?
81
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,200
Did your ex-fiance get it for you
when he was posted to Belize?
82
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,000
How could you possibly know...?
83
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,120
A lot of soldiers pick 'em up
out there.
84
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,080
Along with an STD.
85
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,360
Well, luckily it was just the toucan.
86
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,800
You split up with him years ago, yet
you still have this love token...
87
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,400
Love toucan! ..on your desk.
88
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,080
It's not a love tok... Toucan!
What...?!
89
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,680
Just seems an odd way to remember
someone who left you over a car.
90
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:41,680
"Hello.
91
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,120
"I left you over a car.
92
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,960
"You should forget about me."
93
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,400
And move on.
94
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,160
It was a bit more complicated
than that.
95
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,880
Tell me I'm wrong.
96
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,400
Why are you still here?
97
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,760
Tell me I'm wrong. Bye.
98
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:57,920
Bye.
99
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,840
TRANSLATION FROM PASHTO
100
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,800
Starting without me?
Without...?
101
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,440
Oh, you know...
You don't need to bother.
102
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:17,920
I've got it covered. Wow.
103
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:21,040
Next, you'll tell me it's impossible
for women to speak two languages.
104
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,400
No! I mean...
105
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:25,200
I guess it would be handy if you
could listen to Taliban traffic
106
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,800
out in the field. S'pose.
107
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,400
But mainly, I want to show Faruq
how much of a dick he's being.
108
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,840
I can speak Pashto
just as well as you can.
109
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,840
It's not a competition.
Correct. It isn't.
110
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,160
Come on, then. OK.
111
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,680
Um, repeat after me.
112
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,440
Ho. Ho.
113
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,560
Yes. Yes.
114
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:42,840
No... No.
115
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,120
No, no - you don't need to repeat
the English bit.
116
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:47,240
I'm just telling you what it means,
understand?
117
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,440
Yes. Ho!
118
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,640
OK...
119
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,880
Na. Na.
120
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,000
No. No?
121
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,560
Yes, no. What?
122
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,120
Look, would you stop messing,
please, Bird?
123
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,280
All right.
124
00:05:58,320 --> 00:05:59,360
OK.
125
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,240
Um... Let's do numbers.
126
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,840
OK. All right.
127
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,880
After me...
128
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,040
Yaw. One.
129
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,200
Yaw, one.
130
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,880
Dwah, two. Dwah, two.
131
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,120
Dwah. What, three's
the same as two?
132
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,560
No, Bird - I'm correcting
your pronunciation.
133
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:17,200
Dwah. That's what I said.
Do you want to learn this properly?
134
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:18,600
Ho. That means yes.
135
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,720
I knew this was a mistake!
136
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,960
Cos thick chick Bird can't
learn the language?
137
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,320
Do you know what, I'm going
to my bunk. Or, as they say
138
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,400
in French, je suis...
139
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,680
..going to my bunk.
140
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,200
Je vais a ma chambre.
141
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,360
Oh, tu es un grand dick!
142
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,240
You all right, son?
143
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,920
Charlotte's really pissed off
about the stag night.
144
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,560
Cos we're no' invited?
145
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,920
No surprises there.
146
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,040
No, knob cheese.
147
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,360
She's found out what we're planning
and she is not happy.
148
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,320
She wants to cancel the stripper?
We're not having a stripper!
149
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:01,320
Oh, we... We are having a stripper.
150
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:03,960
And she's cancelled it.
151
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,200
Is that a list of rules?
Kind of.
152
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,960
No strippers, no public nudity,
no getting arrested...
153
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,240
That is out of order!
That's ridiculous!
154
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,480
I am allowed to play crazy golf,
so...that's something. Skip...
155
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,600
I know you usually ignore my advice
156
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,040
and usually, you're right to do so.
157
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,080
But you need to tell her you're not
putting up with this sort of thing.
158
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,560
Aye. Guys, this is Charlotte.
159
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,920
This is the woman who had
200 invites reprinted
160
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,800
cos they were the wrong shade
of ivory.
161
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,960
Aye, so you need to be firm wi' her.
162
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:33,400
If you are, she'll find that more
attractive than if you're a pussy.
163
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,560
I can't just ring her up... What's
the first rule of stag nights?
164
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,640
There are no rules. Yes, sir.
Balls, Simon.
165
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,360
I beg your pardon, sir?
166
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,040
Balls. Keep up. Where are your
balls? Are they attached,
167
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,320
or has your fiancee plucked them
from your perineum
168
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,360
and placed them in an ice box,
in Chelmsford?
169
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,360
We live in Braintree. Simon!
170
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,560
Balls.
171
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,320
You heard him. Balls!
172
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,120
We should do you a proper stag here.
173
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:02,440
Um... Aye!
174
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,520
Nudity. Strippers!
175
00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,320
We'll get the MPs to arrest you!
176
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,640
We could all dress up
in the same clothes!
177
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,320
Genius.
178
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,520
We'll take him into the village
and tie him naked to a lamppost...
179
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:14,760
Oh, Mac!
180
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,000
The security concerns alone
would mean that we...
181
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,760
We could lock down the area
with an infantry platoon first.
182
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,720
Anyway, there's no beer and there's
no strippers, means there's...
183
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,360
Boss, get Mary to gie us
some of her communion wine.
184
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,920
I don't fancy my chances.
185
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,000
Tell her the last Padre would leave
the odd bottle lying, eh?
186
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,520
I'll try, but I think you'll have
to ask Faruq for some beer.
187
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,160
You want beer? I get you beer.
188
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:39,400
My cousin, he makes lentil beer,
shall we say $50? It is agreed.
189
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,200
You know the rules.
190
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,760
No alcohol in theatre.
What's the first rule?
191
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,120
No rules.
192
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,800
Are you saying we can
have alcohol, sir?
193
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,240
Sir!
194
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,440
Sir?!
195
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,760
Faruq...
196
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,280
Do you know how to make
really hot curry?
197
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:59,000
Of course. Goat, chicken, cat...
198
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,400
Ooh, never had cat!
199
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:04,640
Hello, love.
Yeah, I know it's early, sorry.
200
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,800
I just wanted to get you
before you went to the gym.
201
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,480
Sorry, it's Thursday...
I forgot.
202
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,320
These... These rules
that you sent through...
203
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,680
Not acceptable, Charlotte.
204
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,880
Yeah. I'm not going to put up
with this shit any more.
205
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,960
Yes, I did just say "shit".
206
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,680
Yeah. Shit.
207
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,560
Shit, shit, shitty shit.
208
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,720
Shit, shit.
209
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,120
Charlotte?
210
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,800
Hello? Hello?
211
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,240
(Oh, shit.)
212
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:37,960
Hi, Mary.
213
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,040
Nick Medhurst in the chapel?
SHE GASPS
214
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,440
What do you want?
I've come to confess my sins.
215
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,240
I'm not sure I have that long.
216
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,560
Seriously, I want to apologise for
winding you up earlier. It was...
217
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:52,040
uncalled for. It's fine.
I know you're tired. Thanks.
218
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,960
Anyway, I don't know how much you
knew about your predecessor,
219
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,960
but he was very big on morale.
220
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,600
I'm not giving you communion wine.
221
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,800
Well, it's not for me,
it's for Simon's stag do.
222
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,440
Thing is, Nick, that wine
is for, um...
223
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:04,760
What was it again?
224
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,920
Oh, yeah! Communion. And yes,
225
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,760
the occasional glass for somebody
who's had some genuine trauma.
226
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,400
If I was marrying Charlotte,
I'd be having genuine trauma.
227
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,600
You know very well it isn't allowed.
OK, look - here's a new idea, OK?
228
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:20,000
So how about we turn the stag night
into a sort of communion service,
229
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,240
only with a lot more wine,
and curry instead of wafers?
230
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,400
For heaven's sake, Nick. Look, I know
you don't believe what I believe,
231
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,640
but do you have to take the piss
the whole time?
232
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:29,880
Yeah.
233
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,000
Yeah, actually I do.
234
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,400
Because my ridiculously
dangerous job means that
235
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,720
I don't approach life
the same way that you do.
236
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,600
This is one sodding bottle of wine,
Mary.
237
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:39,920
And it's not even for me.
238
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,880
Fine, you think I'm a twat,
but don't take that out on a bunch
239
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,960
of guys who've made it halfway
through a tour
240
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,960
without getting shot, mortared
or blown to pieces by an IED.
241
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,400
Just get a sense
of fucking perspective.
242
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,480
Listen, Faruq, I need your help.
243
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:57,560
Teach me Pashto.
244
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,000
I will help as much as I can, but...
245
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,560
probably a lost cause.
246
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,520
Let's just give it a go, shall we?
Not going to let Millsy win.
247
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,040
Win what? Can we start?
248
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,920
OK, OK.
249
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,520
Very useful phrase for you.
250
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,840
HE SPEAKS IN PASHTO
251
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,160
SHE REPEATS
252
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,640
Hm... And what does that mean?
253
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,400
Please clean up my room.
254
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,320
And you would say, "Ho!"
255
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,840
Not to you, I wouldn't.
256
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,280
Na!
257
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,840
You're always making the jokes,
Corporal Bird.
258
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,040
Very funny!
259
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,040
OK, say this.
260
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,680
HE SPEAKS IN PASHTO
261
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,840
SHE REPEATS
262
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,240
That means?
263
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,080
When are you going to clean
the windows? Right.
264
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:44,840
And what's Pashto for, "It's your
turn to clean the fucking windows"?
265
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,880
Ooh! A zinger.
266
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,360
I am just trying to focus on
the most useful phrases for women.
267
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:52,920
Oh...
268
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,280
HE SPEAKS IN PASHTO
269
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,920
Please clean up the vomit.
You know what, Faruq?
270
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:01,080
I was right all along.
You're a bigger dick than Millsy.
271
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,360
Oh, hi, Millsy. You big dick.
272
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,000
We've got a shout on. Suspected car
bomb outside a health clinic - now.
273
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,640
You could've said, you dick.
274
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:29,080
And Mac's invented a game
called Hunt the Simon.
275
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,560
Genius!
276
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,240
Don't know how he comes up with 'em!
277
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,600
It's gonna be the best stag ever!
278
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,000
I'm...not sure it is. Faruq's curry
is going to be awesome!
279
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,120
I'm...not sure it is.
280
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,720
There isn't going to be a stag night
anyway. The wedding's off.
281
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,000
Oh, dear. Fuck!
282
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,680
Yes, I took your advice, Mac.
283
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,080
I stood up to her and I said, "This
is the way things are going to be,"
284
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,840
and she said that wasn't the way
things are going to be,
285
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,000
so that isn't the way things
are going to be.
286
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,680
Fair play. I thought
she wanted a real man.
287
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,280
Turns out she wanted you.
288
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,360
We can still have a stag night,
though, right?
289
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,080
Obviously not.
290
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,560
Right, till I know if there's
a device in the car or not,
291
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,360
we're treating this as a Cat A,
so we need to get a shift on.
292
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,280
Hogg, Millsy, Bird - sitrep, now.
293
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,840
Number one - evacuation of the
clinic. In progress, boss.
294
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,880
A dozen people in there, they've got
to cut bars out the back window.
295
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,720
They're saying 40 minutes. Oh, good.
By which I mean, "Oh, shit."
296
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,160
I need to get to that car.
297
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,600
Hogg, how much longer on the search
for command wires?
298
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,280
Can I interest you in an hour?
299
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,440
50 minutes, boss?
Quite shit, but thank you.
300
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,720
How long has the area been secure?
90 minutes.
301
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,800
OK, so it's unlikely
it's on a timer.
302
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,560
And I see a fair amount of dickers
have chosen to join us
303
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,080
for today's antics. Bird, what are
your thoughts on RCs?
304
00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,320
Low risk, boss. And we can
mitigate. OK...
305
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,280
So let's assume that
it's victim-operated.
306
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,360
And let's hope by victim,
I don't mean me.
307
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,440
Right, let's get this ICP set up,
then. Troopie!
308
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:11,720
Oh, good.
309
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,960
An IED basically...right there.
310
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,440
Handy.
311
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,920
OK, mark and avoid...
312
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,920
Troopie! OK, nobody fucking move!
313
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:21,560
Two IEDs. Yay!
314
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,720
So, Hogg - I want you to complete
the search, and here and here.
315
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,120
I want to mitigate the possibility
of command devices.
316
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,200
We'll deal with them later. I can
get to the car as soon as possible.
317
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,480
Bring the vehicle round here, we'll
work on the safe side of it.
318
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,080
All OK?
ALL: Yes, boss.
319
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,680
OK, crack on.
320
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,520
Right, team - let's start again.
321
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:52,680
Millsy.
322
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,360
So, staff and patients are out,
but there's a woman in labour.
323
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,400
What?
324
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,880
And her midwife.
Can't get them out the window.
325
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,000
Oh, Fuckton-on-Thames.
326
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:04,200
OK, just get her into the back room
and make sure she stays there.
327
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,880
I'll radio the platoon sergeant.
All right.
328
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:11,160
Now, the $6 million question...
329
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,480
Er, it's the million-dollar
question, boss.
330
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,880
$6 million man...
Million-dollar question.
331
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,480
What a great time to bring up a guy
who was rebuilt
332
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,480
after a horrific accident.
333
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,160
Oh, yeah.
My question was,
334
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,800
is there a device in the car,
335
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,480
or is this whole thing
just a come-on to get us on top
336
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,720
of these two IEDs? Hogg, what's the
situation with command wires?
337
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,720
Nothing yet. Ten minutes.
Cheers, Sergeant. Thank you, Millsy.
338
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:34,960
Boss.
339
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,240
You should call Charlotte
when you get back.
340
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,960
It's not worth losing the wedding
for a stag do.
341
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:53,240
It's not just the stag do, though,
is it, boss? The whole thing...
342
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,920
Yeah, yeah. I know.
343
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,720
Surely it's better to back down
than to die alone?
344
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,120
Bloody hell, boss,
that's a bit steep.
345
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:05,760
Tell her you had a near-miss.
Stepped very close to a device.
346
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,960
Been thinking about your mortality.
347
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Kiss...
348
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,520
make up...
349
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,120
and then get back to whatever
freaky dominatrix shit
350
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,040
I'm presuming Charlotte's into.
351
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,400
We're done, boss.
Haven't found anything.
352
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,720
Not a sausage. Right, I'm going to
put my balls on the table...
353
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,240
Urgh.
354
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,760
I'll bet that I could spend the next
two hours searching that car
355
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:43,040
and there's not even a bomb in it.
There isnae a bomb?
356
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,800
So you could just leap in it
and drive off?
357
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,480
Yeah, great idea, Rocket. Why don't
you leap in it and drive off?
358
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,840
I cannae drive. Ah.
359
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,520
The only flaw
in an otherwise brilliant plan.
360
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,960
Faruq's found an eyewitness.
Excellent.
361
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,240
HE SPEAKS IN PASHTO
362
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,720
He saw someone park the car
three hours ago,
363
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,720
climb out and walk away.
Three hours ago?
364
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,320
That timeline can't be right...
365
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,440
He said "khirke" - that's "window",
isn't it?
366
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,200
Why did he say window? I don't know.
367
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,200
Fucking ask him again, knobchops!
368
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,400
He climbed out of the window
and walked away.
369
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,880
So there is a device in the car.
I am impressed, Bird. Always thought
370
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,960
there was a device in there.
Thanks. No, you didn't, you said...
371
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,720
Right, better get down there.
Thanks.
372
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,240
Bird. Hm?
373
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,240
I'm sorry about...you know?
374
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,160
Being the shittest teacher ever?
375
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,920
OK, yes, I was a bit of a dick,
I admit.
376
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,280
That's all right.
You weren't the absolute shittest.
377
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,680
Faruq was.
378
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:25,920
Hey!
379
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:29,840
Skip!
380
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,480
I was thinking...
381
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,640
Now you're single...
382
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,760
and a lance corporal on leave
fae Afghan,
383
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,720
you could shag your way
from John O'Groats to Land's End.
384
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,320
Well...
385
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,040
John O'Groats to...
386
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,240
Inverness.
387
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,960
No. I'm going to call Charlotte
388
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,480
and explain the pressure
I've been put under
389
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,080
by my team members.
390
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,640
It's no' my fault!
You told me to stand up to her.
391
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,840
Shit, aye...
392
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,600
Aye. It is my fault.
393
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,120
Then we can get married
like she always wanted...
394
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:01,280
Like we always wanted.
395
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,080
Stag night...
396
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,400
back on!
397
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,200
ROCKET OVER RADIO: Gleaming!
398
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,600
Oh, dear.
399
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:24,280
OK, Millsy - I'm pretty sure
the main device is in the boot
400
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,280
and I'm fairly sure it's going to be
heavily booby-trapped, so...
401
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,680
I think I'm going to go in
through the window.
402
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:30,840
OVER RADIO: OK, boss.
403
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,760
Be careful.
Ah, being careful.
404
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:34,960
Good plan.
405
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,000
Hello.
406
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,160
OK. He can tow the car.
407
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,800
That is unless Rocket wants to
practise his three-point turns?
408
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,000
Nice job, boss.
Want the last of the water?
409
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,040
Yes.
410
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,560
Fucking chinstrapped.
411
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,440
Aah.
412
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,040
Seriously...
413
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,080
Thank you, guys.
I couldn't have done it without you.
414
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,400
Well... Could have done most of it,
415
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,080
just, you know, not all of it.
416
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,360
The baby is born and praise to God,
it's a boy!
417
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,600
Dick.
418
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,960
The new mother is very grateful
419
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,760
and she will name her son
in our honour.
420
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:37,920
She's called him Nick?
421
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:39,960
No. No!
422
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,800
She has named her son Faruq!
Oh...
423
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,720
So, are we done? Yep.
424
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,600
Apart from those two other IEDs.
425
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,760
Just give me a minute.
426
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,600
Um, we don't want to lose
the light, boss.
427
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:57,920
Yep.
428
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,560
These things will kill me, anyway.
429
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,720
Are you all right, boss?
430
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,720
Nowhere in the world I'd rather be.
431
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:11,560
Let's crack on.
432
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,760
BOTH: Stag ni-i-i-ight!
433
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:30,920
I'll get the kerosene! Whoa, we
don't want to overdo this, guys!
434
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,480
I don't want to get hospitalised
435
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,960
when we're less than 12 hours
away from RandR.
436
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:37,320
Hey, Nick.
437
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,920
Oh... Hello.
438
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,120
Boss, boss! Come on! We've got
to flame-grill 100 poppadoms!
439
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,960
You took so long on that car bomb,
we're way behind on the stag do!
440
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,360
OK, guys, I might need...
441
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:50,840
Look, will you two leave him alone
for one flipping minute, OK?
442
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,080
Can't you see he's too tired?
443
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,120
He needs a rest before your stupid
stag night!
444
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,400
He's just defused two IEDs
and a car bomb,
445
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:59,160
and saved the lives of a mother,
midwife and a newborn baby.
446
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,200
Aye. We saw.
447
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,560
Well, sorry...
448
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,160
I'm sorry, Nick.
449
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,480
Tell you what, come and find me later
450
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,200
and we'll have a little snifter.
451
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,080
Yeah.
452
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,240
OK.
453
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:14,480
OK.
454
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,120
Do you know what, Bird?
Hm?
455
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,320
I think I am finally in there.
456
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:25,800
At fucking last.
457
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,240
My cousin called.
458
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:35,120
He says the lentil curry
and beer is doing very nicely.
459
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,760
It's lentil beer, innit?
460
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,080
No' lentil curry.
461
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,680
Oh, yes!
462
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,360
The two are very much separate!
463
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,080
Yes!
464
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,720
Excuse me while I make a call.
465
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,240
Ah! I've had worse.
466
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,760
But only in Dundee!
467
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,200
Is that the booze?
Technically.
468
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,840
Be nice if we had some pitta bread
to dip in it.
469
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,120
Of course, I am forbidden from
drinking alcohol.
470
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,840
Which is a relief, I mean...
look at it.
471
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,400
Well, the last Padre would
have had some communion wine
472
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,680
for times like this,
but the new one...
473
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:26,760
Nah. Not so much.
474
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,760
Well, I'll just put this away, then.
475
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,880
ALL: No!
476
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,920
CHEERING
Yes!
477
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,160
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
478
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:36,880
Thank you!
479
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,760
Here's to freedom. Hey!
480
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,040
To freedom!
481
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,840
ALL: Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oah!
482
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,320
ALL CHEER
483
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,120
Bloody hell, that is rank!
484
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,520
Wait a minute, wait a minute -
what do you mean, freedom?
485
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,160
I was going to tell Charlotte
I had a near-miss, get her back,
486
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:56,080
then I thought, "Fuck that!"
I don't want to be with someone
487
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,800
who makes up rules for
my fucking stag night...
488
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:02,200
Are you sure about that? If she
doesn't want to be with a real man,
489
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,320
like me, then she can jog on.
490
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:07,040
Good decision, Skip.
Now, where's that communion wine?
491
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,600
There's communion wine?
Shit, you could've said.
492
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:11,040
Good. All right.
493
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:12,640
I'm going to go and find Nick.
494
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:15,800
ALL LAUGH
495
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,080
I'm king of the world!
496
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,800
ALL CHEER
497
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,120
Nick, sorry I'm late, I was just...
498
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:50,720
Hello, you.
499
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,280
Hey, hey, Padre.
500
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,080
Want to try some of this goat curry?
501
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:00,440
Mm, it's fucking blinding.
502
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,720
Watch out.
I think that may be literally true.
503
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:04,000
Mm, I might hold off.
504
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,480
Oh.
It's just some old trinket
505
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,280
I've been meaning to get rid of.
506
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,560
Nah, it's that wee toucan
your ex gave you.
507
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,080
AWKWARDLY: Ha-ha!
Where's the stag?
508
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,280
Just over there.
509
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:18,960
Oh... Mm.
510
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,240
SIMON SOBS
511
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,520
God, I love her!
512
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,520
HE HYPERVENTILATES
513
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:26,840
Her hair...
514
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,040
Her hair!
515
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,440
Tiny nose!
516
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:32,720
517
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,960
518
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,600
Karaoke! Brilliant.
519
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:40,960
Simon, do you want to talk?
520
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,000
Thank fuck. You take over, Padre.
521
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,920
I should...
I should've said sorry.
522
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,560
She was right, she's always right!
523
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,000
I miss her so much!
524
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,480
Wait!
525
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:53,600
ALL GROAN
526
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:54,640
Oh, Skip!
527
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,640
Fuck's sake.
What's going on here?
528
00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,560
Some sort of stomach bug, I presume?
529
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:04,200
Let's hope those of you not on RandR
tomorrow don't contract this...
530
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,880
surprising disease.
531
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,080
Fingers crossed, sir.
532
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:08,440
Carry on.
533
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:09,840
SIMON VOMITS
534
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:11,600
Eurgh!
535
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:12,960
Hey, Faruq.
536
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,560
TRANSLATION FROM PASHTO
537
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:16,840
Boom!
538
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,080
Seriously, guys - I thought this was
meant to be a fucking party?
539
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,480
Come on!
Yes, more curry!
540
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:24,960
I mean beer!
541
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:03,600
So you really thought
I was asleep just then?
542
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,320
Bloody hell, Nick!
543
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,480
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