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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,280
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
2
00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,760
Hey, hear about that guy
that nearly died up at HQ?
3
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,080
Funny story!
4
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:13,320
Really not that funny, Mac.
5
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:16,320
He was found, right, passed out
with an orange in his mouth
6
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,440
and his cock in his hand! (LAUGHS)
7
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:20,760
That is quite funny, Simon.
8
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,880
So, what, was he hungry?
9
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,000
No!
10
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,120
Auto-erotic asphyxiation.
11
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,680
Heightens the orgasm.
12
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:31,400
It's not funny, because he probably
has mild brain damage.
13
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,720
But he's up at HQ, so no-one
will notice.
14
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,360
(LAUGHTER)
15
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,040
He's been sent home. Imagine that -
16
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,000
"Oh, hello, love, you're back early.
Why's that?"
17
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,200
"No reason."
18
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,600
"Orange juice?"
19
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,960
"Er... No, thanks!"
20
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,440
What would your fiancee
think of that, Simon?
21
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,360
Obviously, that would never happen.
22
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,720
Not a fan of the
citrus-powered wank? NO!
23
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,720
Oh, shite! For a wedding present,
24
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:57,160
me and Rocket were going to club
together and get you a grapefruit!
25
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:58,800
So everyone up for poker tonight?
26
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,760
Aye. Of course.
27
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,800
Here, boss - you know you
fancy the padre?
28
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:04,560
You should get her to play poker.
29
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,960
But instead of money,
you should do strip poker.
30
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,320
No, I'm not bothering
with her any more. She's a padre.
31
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,880
She's all...good and everything.
32
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,400
Where's the fun in that?
33
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,360
Nowhere, that's where.
34
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,080
She's dull. She's duller than
a wet weekend in Wigan
35
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,080
with a female blood relative,
36
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,000
so you can't even...
I don't like this, boss.
37
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,480
Oh, shit - what have you got?
I just heard an, "Allahu Akbar".
38
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,480
Charlie, Charlie 1,
this is Bluestone 42.
39
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:28,080
Be advised, possible incoming.
40
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,000
OK, guys. It's going to get bouncy.
41
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,640
(GUNFIRE)
42
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,080
Raise, 20.
43
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,120
20? You're kidding?
44
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,040
20? Shit.
45
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,600
How much is in the pot now?
46
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,240
90 pence.
47
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,800
(SIGHS) Too much for me.
48
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,200
You'd better not be bluffing,
you spawny bastard.
49
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:26,200
Call.
50
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,040
Two pair.
51
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:29,200
Read 'em and weep.
52
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,160
There will be tears...of joy,
cos I have trips!
53
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:37,800
I saved your arse this afternoon
and this is how you repay me?
54
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,160
Three cards with the same number on,
Rocket. That's good.
55
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,760
So trips is the same as
three-of-a-kind?
56
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,080
Razor sharp, this one.
57
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,480
Come on, Rocky - your deal.
58
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,960
Sorry I'm late.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
59
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,200
Come on, Millsy -
you sit next to me.
60
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,360
Bird, Mac, blinds.
61
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,680
Ah, Mary - fancy a few hands
of Texas Hold 'em?
62
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,680
Actually, I try to keep away
from gambling...
63
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,000
Come on, it's only 5 and 10ps,
64
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:01,000
I don't think you're going to
lose your shirt, although...
65
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,360
let's not rule that out, actually.
66
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:03,800
And so it begins.
67
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,840
Seriously, Simon's not here yet -
take his place.
68
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:09,840
We don't want to make Rocket deal
again, it'll take him 20 fucking
minutes.
69
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,800
Come on, Padre. Come on!
70
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,680
Remember, Rocket's shite,
so you can take him to the cleaners.
71
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,000
Piss off.
72
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,840
All right. A couple of hands.
73
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,400
Whoo! Get in!
74
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,160
How many cards is it, again?
75
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,760
ALL: Two! All right!
76
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,160
Oof!
77
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,200
Oh...fuck.
78
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,160
That is unbelievable.
79
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,600
Sorry about that.
Skip, you've missed all the fun.
80
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,640
Shut up, Mac. Mary's just taken
three quid off him.
81
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,760
She slow-played pocket jacks -
who does that?!
82
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:53,920
I do that - so I can beat pedestrians
like you.
83
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,800
Padre, Charlotte's having
second thoughts.
84
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,080
Fair enough. She wants a real man.
85
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,000
Not about me, knobhead!
86
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,640
About the venue.
87
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,560
She wants to get married
in Scotland.
88
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:04,680
Great. Are we invited?
89
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,040
Brilliant. So we can come too?
Very thoughtful, Skip.
90
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,480
But we'd already decided!
91
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,560
The River Court conference hotel,
Stansted.
92
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,400
It's perfect. Wedding licence,
93
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,400
good access to the M11,
ample parking...
94
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,400
Well, nothing says romance
like good access to the M11.
95
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,560
Oh, Simon, ample parking -
you're making me so wet!
96
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,520
(LAUGHTER)
97
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,560
Padre, are the rules different
in Scotland?
98
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,480
I mean, could we get a priest to do
it if the venue had a civil licence?
99
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,720
Simon! I became an Army padre
100
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,480
so I wouldn't have to spend my life
talking about weddings, OK?
101
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,680
Yeah, I just thought... We're kind
of in the middle of a game.
102
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,880
Millsy! Deal!
103
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:41,240
I really fancy some snacks -
something like crisps, nuts...
104
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,840
Oh, pork scratchings.
105
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,280
Or tablet. I love tablet.
106
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,720
So, Nick, what's the big plan?
107
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,560
Are you going to play safe, lose more
money? Because that's a good plan.
108
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,600
The big plan...
109
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,720
is not to play for 10p bets.
110
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:59,040
Why don't we make it no limit?
Good plan?
111
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,720
Fine.
112
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,000
No limit. Let's do it.
113
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:09,640
Fold.
114
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,360
Nope. Fold.
115
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,000
Raise.
116
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,720
A pound.
117
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,320
Fold? Raise.
118
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,880
Another pound. Raise.
119
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,200
Five pounds.
120
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,120
Go on.
121
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,680
Go on, call it.
122
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,160
Go on, call the bet.
123
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,000
Or are you scared? Are you scared
because it's five pounds?
124
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,080
Call.
125
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,200
Raise. Fuck!
126
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,080
What's going on?
Will you take an IOU?
127
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,920
I'd rather take the shirt.
128
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,920
That one didn't even register.
129
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,440
I owe you...
130
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,280
..£100.
131
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,120
Really? Serious?
What's going on?
132
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,120
You are fucking kidding me!
Call.
133
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,440
ALL: Oh!
134
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,320
Flush draw.
Yes, we know, Millsy.
135
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,440
I didn't.
136
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,200
Basically, any heart will win it
for Mary, except for the...
137
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,320
Just turn over the card!
138
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,280
Yes! Yes!
139
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,880
Get in! In your face, Medhurst!
140
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,320
Yes! Thank you, good night!
141
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,240
Oh, shit!
142
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:31,760
Er, Padre...
143
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,000
Are you all right, boss?
144
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,400
I have never been more aroused.
145
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,120
Mary!
146
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,040
Mary, you forgot your winnings.
I don't want to talk about it.
147
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,520
But I owe you a hundred quid.
No, you don't.
148
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:48,400
I mean, what were the odds of
you winning that hand?
149
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,440
12.1%. Really?
150
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,640
Yeah. I thought you had pocket tens
and the big bet would push you off,
but...
151
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,240
I shouldn't have been playing.
152
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,720
I... I just shouldn't have been
playing.
153
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,160
Yes, you should -
you are clearly amazing at poker.
154
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:00,920
Thanks, but it makes me
a different person.
155
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,840
You saw how I was with Simon.
It's only Simon!
156
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,600
It can't happen again.
It must happen again!
157
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,720
You have a gift.
No, I don't, I have an addiction!
158
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:07,760
Had an addiction.
159
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,040
Awesome!
160
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,720
Oh, dear.
161
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,440
Mary!
162
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,280
This is in the strictest confidence,
OK?
163
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:22,520
Of course.
164
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,080
I lost a lot of money.
165
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,400
And my MG. OK, my fiance's MG.
166
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,720
And my fiance.
167
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:29,960
Shit!
168
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:33,080
But he was about to go to the
Falklands, so he wasn't going to need
a car anyway
169
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,440
and I would've won it back
the next week, so...
170
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,960
There had been a breakdown in trust,
I know that now...
171
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,280
I'm the worst padre ever.
172
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,160
Or the best!
173
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,480
I'm going to phone my sponsor,
make amends.
174
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,400
But this is why I don't gamble
any more!
175
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,760
Marry me.
176
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:50,760
I mean...
177
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,040
Mary, me...
178
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,040
and you...
179
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:56,720
..should do...
180
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,720
more...
181
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,800
on this.
182
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,080
I'll see you at breakfast.
183
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,400
You bet.
184
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,640
Ah! "You bet"!
185
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,360
Don't get up.
186
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:16,760
Oh, too late!
187
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:20,240
Bird, a word. If you wouldn't mind
stepping out of the Det?
188
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:24,000
Sir? Probably heard about
the sticky situation up at HQ?
189
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,560
Your boss got caught thrappping
himself half to death with an orange
in his mouth.
190
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:30,000
That was Jeff? Bloody hell.
191
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,320
Mm. What's the first rule?
192
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,760
Don't get caught thrapping yourself
half to death with an orange in your
mouth.
193
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,680
I'll... I'll bear that in mind, sir.
194
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,800
So, they need an ECM adviser,
sharpish.
195
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:43,040
High time you got the nod,
especially after anticipating
that contact today.
196
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,880
You'll be double-hatting at first.
197
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:47,120
You'll need to bone up
on all of this.
198
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,400
Wait, they want me to be chief bleep?
199
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,440
Yes, keep up. Probationary period
as acting sergeant.
200
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,280
Stay with your team for now, but
you'll be up to HQ for the odd
meeting - very odd,
201
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,880
I expect, given the orange incident!
Ha!
202
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,520
Anyway, congratulations, Bird.
Thank you, sir.
203
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,560
Word to the wise - don't be an RPA.
204
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,160
Sir? Recently Promoted Arsehole.
205
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,240
Got it, Chief.
206
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,120
Just like that, ACTING Sergeant.
207
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,480
They charge extra
for the hire of napkin rings!
208
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,280
SIMON: Bloody hell.
209
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,120
This where you're getting married?
210
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,160
Drumcredie Castle.
211
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,120
Bum-credie Castle.
212
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,960
Yeah, Charlotte wants to go there,
but...
213
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,080
"For a perfect, magical day..."
214
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,520
For a perfect, magical gay!
215
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,840
Yes, all right, Mac.
216
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,440
Skip, don't get married here.
217
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,440
Yes! Impractical, right?
218
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,640
I mean, it's miles away,
and the corkage... Extortionate.
219
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:55,120
No, it's not that. It's the old
Scottish saying - marry in castle,
arseh'l.
220
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,160
Is it?
221
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,560
No! Is it?
222
00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,600
Is it? Is it? Mm-hm.
223
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,840
Thanks for the support, guys.
224
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,240
Phwoar!
Hey, Rocket - look at that, eh?
225
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,360
Who knew that Millsy had such
a filthy looking girlfriend, eh?
226
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,520
I don't have a girlfriend.
Who's this, then, eh?
227
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,440
Hey, that's my sister - give it
back!
228
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,000
I'm sorry.
229
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,840
That just won't be possible at this
time.
230
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,160
Mac! Now. Fight me for it.
231
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,800
I'm not going to fight you for it,
just hand it over.
232
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,600
You could fry an egg
on those hot pants...Tssss!
233
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,440
Give it back.
Well, that is quite an outfit.
234
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:28,880
She's 17.
235
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,080
Aye...legal!
236
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:31,440
And she was 15 when
the picture was taken.
237
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,720
(LAUGHS) Paedo!
238
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,200
We were on holiday in Italy.
239
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,800
Ah! The age of consent in Italy
is 14, so...
240
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,040
legal!
241
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,920
How do you even know that?
242
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:44,480
14 is legal in loads of countries -
Albania, Austria, Brazil...
243
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,240
Mac, have you learnt
the age of consent in every country?
244
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,400
Wikipedia.
245
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,160
(WHISPERS) My God.
246
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,720
Come on, Millsy -
me and you, square go.
247
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,120
Winner keeps the picture.
248
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,960
Give it back, it's his sister.
249
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,560
Nah.
250
00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,560
What did the colonel want, Bird?
Oh, nothing.
251
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,200
Well, something.
252
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,920
They need a new chief bleep.
253
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:04,200
They want me.
254
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,720
I've been bumped up
to Acting Sergeant.
255
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,760
Nice one! Whoo!
256
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,320
Yes, I'll be double-hatting at
first...
257
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,760
Good idea -
you don't want to get pregnant.
258
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,520
It doesn't matter.
259
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,680
So, I'll be off to Bastion.
260
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,320
Oh, up at HQ with the big boys.
261
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,000
Yep.
262
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,040
Not here, saving your arses.
263
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:25,760
Well, they'll be lucky to have you.
264
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,360
Thanks, Simon.
265
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:31,360
Guys.
266
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,840
Anyway...lot of work.
267
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,280
What are we going to do without Bird?
268
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,400
Well, she'll just be replaced
by someone with identical training
269
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:40,520
and do the exact...
270
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,720
Oh. I get it.
271
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,480
Bird's awesome, yeah!
272
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,280
Anyway...photo.
273
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:48,560
Fight!
274
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,680
Can't we just tell her not to go?
No!
275
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,720
Big chance, big promotion,
big job like this?
276
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,440
Big job! Big jobbie!
277
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:02,880
I see, yep...
278
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:04,440
No, it's a big promotion...
279
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,840
"With a big jobbie like this!"
280
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:06,840
All right...
281
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,160
Big jobbie!
282
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,320
Yes, I understand...
283
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,720
(LAUGHTER)
284
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,120
See you, Jobbie!
285
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,800
What? You know how I said
I'd never been more aroused?
286
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,160
Yeah.
287
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,640
I have to inform you
I have now been further aroused.
288
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,080
My levels of arousal
are currently unprecedented.
289
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,800
Well, that is great, boss.
290
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,680
Um, listen - I need to talk to you...
Mary's a gambling addict.
291
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,400
She spunked away her fiance's MG.
292
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,520
Really?
293
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,720
Wow. Anyway, boss, the thing is...
294
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,320
Cos gambling's got to be my way in,
right?
295
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,400
I mean, if I can convince Mary
to start gambling again,
296
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,000
she'll weaken
and give up trying to be good.
297
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,560
Yes, great, now can you bloody
listen to me? I've been promoted.
298
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,160
Acting Sergeant.
299
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,280
They want me to be chief bleep.
Oh, nice one, Bird.
300
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,160
About time. Oh, that's why there's
a chopper here, to take you to HQ,
301
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,000
some kind of meeting or something?
And you didn't start with that?
302
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,320
Fucking hell, Nick!
303
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,880
And FYI, my job is more important to
me than your stupid sex life, OK?
304
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,320
(COUGHS) RPA!
305
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,880
Up your cocking arse, Nick!
306
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,800
What's it going to be today?
Fried or scrambled?
307
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,680
Fried again, probably.
Yeah, I reckon it's scrambled.
308
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:32,880
Care to make it interesting?
309
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,520
Oh, very good, Nick - sensitive.
310
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:38,160
Go on. Sportsman's bet.
Next person in, corporal or above.
311
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,760
No! Nick, you don't seem to
understand - this isn't funny for me.
312
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,760
Would you offer a heroin addict
some heroin?
313
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,160
Depends what I was getting
in return.
314
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,920
Oh, there's Simon -
I need to make amends to him.
315
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,640
You haven't made amends to me!
316
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,200
I tore up that IOU.
317
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,360
Yeah, but you ruined the game
and the emotional damage of that
and...
318
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:56,480
What about my reputation?
319
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,200
I'll settle for a bottle
of single malt.
320
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,720
A packet of pork scratchings?
321
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,760
Hi, Simon....
322
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,000
Um...
323
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,240
I have a problem with gambling.
324
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,760
Really?
325
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:13,880
Shit!
326
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,680
Yes, so I wanted to apologise for
last night and make it up to you if I
can.
327
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,800
OK. So if you want
to talk about your wedding...
328
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,480
Yes!
329
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,000
Charlotte wants to get married
in a Scottish castle.
330
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,760
Well, you know what they say...
331
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,480
Yeah. Marry in a castle, arsehole.
332
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,640
Do they?
333
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,400
What they do say is...
334
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,680
You've just spent your engagement
thinking about the wedding.
335
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,320
She's spent her whole life.
336
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:43,160
I mean, when I was little, I wanted
this red and gold theme with a big
canopy
337
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:44,520
and these little stars sewn in...
338
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:45,680
This isn't about me.
339
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,920
Drumcredie is ridiculous.
340
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,280
Inverness is the nearest town.
341
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:52,520
55 minutes away.
342
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:57,560
River Court is near the house,
plenty of parking, corkage is
reasonable.
343
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,640
It ticks all the boxes. Does it?
344
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,320
Oh, yes.
345
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,280
That looks...comprehensive.
346
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,200
If you want to change her mind,
you can't just dig your heels in -
347
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,400
say that it's nice...
348
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:11,680
She wants to release doves.
349
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,240
Doves!
350
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,760
Pigeons, I can understand.
351
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,520
They'd fly home,
we'd get the deposit back.
352
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,520
Is there a third option?
353
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,440
We did look at somewhere
called Handleford Hall,
354
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:22,720
but it's limited parking
355
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,120
and the ground staff...
We're on. Transport in ten.
356
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,120
Anything is better than there.
357
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,320
Yeah, this does look completely
impr... Oh, no, but look!
358
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,520
When you book, they Photoshop
a picture of you out the front,
looking all romantic...
359
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,280
Bird, you're back! I missed you
this morning, but I got you these.
360
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,400
I've been busy.
361
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:52,240
Actually, Faruq got them for you,
they're to hand out at your next
meeting at HQ.
362
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,080
It'll be hilarious.
363
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,920
Is my career a joke to you?
364
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,920
Everything's a joke to me!
We have met, right?
365
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,240
Just thought it'd be funny.
366
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,080
Well, I mean,
367
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,480
it would be funny, but...
368
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,120
Holland.
369
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,280
16.
370
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,600
Cyprus.
371
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:14,800
17.
372
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,800
Kenya? 16.
373
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,480
Iran.
374
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,240
16, but you need to be married.
375
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,800
Shite.
Hope we don't invade Iran next.
376
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,240
You and me both, my friend.
377
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:29,480
You and me both.
378
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,480
Bird, Bird, Bird.
379
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:35,800
Sorry about the orange gag.
380
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,880
Let's talk about something else.
381
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,280
Ooh, what could you mean?
382
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,040
Oh, of course! You and Mary.
383
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,040
Er, not necessarily.
384
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,520
What happened?
385
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:45,840
I got another knock-back.
386
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,240
Oh, well, excuse me
while I pick myself up off the floor.
387
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,720
It's not like you had a better plan,
is it?
388
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,720
Well, if you actually like someone,
Nick, maybe try and show them,
389
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,080
rather than behaving like a mindless,
selfish, adolescent prick.
390
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,400
Just a thought.
391
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,880
Kit's ready, boss, so if you...
392
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,960
Oh, sick - it's stuck
in his fucking helmet.
393
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,320
Oi, Mac!
394
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,440
That's my photo!
395
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,080
Aye!
396
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,200
Very nice!
397
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,640
(CHUCKLING)
398
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,120
Knock-knock.
399
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,240
Yes, Captain Medhurst.
400
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,360
Look, I just wanted
to stop by to say sorry.
401
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:27,400
For?
402
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,640
For... You know.
403
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,200
Permanently cracking onto me?
Making jokes about my gambling habit?
404
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,560
Not respecting me or my job?
405
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,400
The middle one.
406
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,200
And the last one.
407
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,240
Wait, what was the first one again?
Doesn't matter.
408
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,240
I'm theologically compelled
to forgive you, sadly.
409
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:43,400
Great.
410
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,760
Listen, I really did want to say
sorry.
411
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:49,280
Um, I know that sometimes
I don't take things seriously enough
412
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,360
and I know that losing a fiance...
413
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,880
is terrible.
414
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,680
Do you?
415
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,360
All right, thank you, Nick.
416
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,400
How long were you together?
417
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,560
Three years. Engaged for six
months. Ah!
418
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,040
I can't compete with that.
Didn't even manage one month.
419
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:21,000
What, you were engaged?
It doesn't count if it was for a bet.
420
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,240
(SCOFFS) No.
421
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:26,320
Took her to Vienna, got down on
one knee in the Riesenrad,
422
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,480
looking out over St Stephen's
Cathedral. Yeah, what happened?
423
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,840
You didn't cheat on her, did you?
I didn't cheat, no.
424
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,880
We got back and in the cold light
of Gatwick Airport,
425
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,760
she 'fessed up to sleeping
with one of my mates.
426
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,600
What? No!
Yeah, I was engaged for 16 hours.
427
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,480
Since then it's been hard to...
find someone to trust.
428
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,360
Yeah, I can imagine
that would be difficult.
429
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,840
What was her name?
430
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,560
Marianne, why?
431
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,640
Mary Ann?
432
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,040
Hm. No, no, no, no, no.
433
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:00,520
I mean, good improvisation skills,
but I can see what you're doing.
434
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,600
"The cold light of Gatwick Airport"?
435
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,680
Come on. None of that's true, is it?
436
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,680
No. No. Just... Just made it up.
437
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,720
Thought you'd be convinced by the
detail.
438
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:13,640
Riesenrad.
439
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,800
Anyway, er, where are we
with those pork scratchings?
440
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,760
Never mind. Crack on.
441
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,240
Ah, Sergeant Bird. Don't get up.
442
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:35,360
HQ seem very keen on you, so want
you up there for good on Friday.
443
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,240
Er, I thought I'd be double-hatting
for a couple of weeks, sir.
444
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,160
You can't wear two hats
in the field for long.
445
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,600
Unless you have a very big head.
Sir.
446
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,000
So, you need to pick a new bleep
for your detachment,
447
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,840
and you'll be playing bridge
in Bastion in no time.
448
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,720
Exciting.
449
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:50,960
Carry on.
450
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,920
Sir. Sir.
451
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,480
We getting a new bleep?
Gie's a look! Yep.
452
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,760
Apparently I'm off in three days.
453
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,280
Lucky you. So, I'll be up to HQ.
454
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,160
Geek. Twat. Gay.
455
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,040
And not here. With you. Gay.
456
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,400
In three days?
Whoa! Who is that?
457
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,640
Does this CV have measurements?
458
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,000
Yeah, yeah. Military personnel
files have bust sizes.
459
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,800
What? Really?
She's fit.
460
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,600
Corporal Ava Bishop. Yeah.
461
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,400
Yeah, easily the least qualified.
462
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,600
She looks pretty
fucking qualified to me. Aye!
463
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,320
Yeah, cos when we disrupt enemy
communications in the electronic
battle space
464
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,320
with our jamming capabilities,
we operate the equipment with our
tits.
465
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,040
I just heard "jam" and "tits".
466
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,320
You do know this is to replace me,
yeah?
467
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,560
Aye, your big promotion.
Good on you. Can we get this one?
468
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,120
Just give me that! All right!
469
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,360
Go on, piss off.
470
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,560
Hi, guys. Hiya, Bird.
471
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,440
Toffee?
472
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,000
I just want to say,
well done on your promotion.
473
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,440
Thanks, Padre.
You pleased?
474
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,760
Yeah.
475
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,520
Well, if that's your padre-ing done,
476
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:01,000
lot of work, so...
Yeah, absolutely, sure.
477
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,240
Just want to say,
your team will miss you...
478
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,080
What is their fucking problem?!
479
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,800
Could they not show some sign
of being sorry to lose me?
480
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,680
They're all, like, "Off you fuck,
Bird. Can your replacement have big
tits?"
481
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,320
I'm sure they actually...
482
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,360
Have they not noticed that I save
their lives on a daily fucking basis?
483
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,640
I don't even want to go to HQ.
484
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,880
I'd stay if they'd ask me,
but they haven't, so fuck 'em.
485
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,240
Look, I'm not defending them,
486
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:27,040
but these aren't the most
emotionally mature guys
487
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,120
we've ever met, are they?
488
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:31,360
I mean, look at Nick. He'd be
quite a nice guy if he was...
489
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,800
Oh, here we go! How have we ended up
talking about Nick bloody Medhurst?!
490
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,160
Yes, you're right.
491
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,440
Sorry. I'm, um...
492
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,040
No. What did he say?
493
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:42,640
Oh, nothing. Just a cock and bull
story about being engaged.
Blah-blah-blah.
494
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,280
Oh! Marianne. The Blonde Betrayer.
495
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,160
Oh, sh...
496
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,720
Sugar. I just threw him out
for making it up.
497
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,120
Ha!
498
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,480
You're the...shittest padre ever.
499
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,920
Drumcredie Castle has loads
going for it. It's beautiful.
500
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:04,720
If you like that sort of thing.
Which I do.
501
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,840
And you don't mind how much the
corkage costs. Which I don't.
It's...
502
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,560
Yup. Yup.
503
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,800
Yeah. Before we completely rule out
all the other opt... Yeah.
504
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:14,960
Yep.
505
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,600
No, happy to rule out River Court,
despite its many practical bonuses.
506
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,320
Yeah. I wonder if there is a third
opt...
507
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:24,800
Darling, I've got to go.
508
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,280
Well...
509
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,800
Yeah, the IED is
quite important too.
510
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,360
Look, it's just a case of...
511
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:32,520
No, I do like Bum...Brum...
Drum...Drum...Drumcredie.
512
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,360
(SPLUTTERS)
513
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,520
But just have another look
at Handleford Hall,
514
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,640
because the corkage is...
515
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,640
It doesn't matter. Bye!
516
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,840
Bird? We getting that Corporal Ava?
517
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,920
Fuck's sake. She's 26, Mac.
Bit old for you.
518
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,280
I'm broad-minded.
Yeah, well, she's not blind.
519
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,440
All right, Millsy. We'll let that
soak. Boss.
520
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:09,200
Bird. A word.
Yes? What? Is this about Mary?
521
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,040
No.
522
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,040
Yes.
523
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,800
Yes, she asked about your fiancee.
524
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,880
Yes, I told her she 'fessed up
to sleeping with your mate. And?
525
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,320
And no, I didn't tell her
you then shagged her sister.
526
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,640
Awesome.
Where would I be without you, Bird?
527
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:22,960
Dead, I expect.
528
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,040
Yeah. Dead.
529
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,000
Do you think she's all right?
I don't know, Millsy.
530
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,200
I'm finding her particularly tricky
to read at the moment,
531
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,920
but no, I do NOT
think she's all right.
532
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,440
(ROCKET AND MAC LAUGH)
533
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,600
Ah, Mary, can I have a word?
534
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,960
Absolutely, yes, I owe you an
apology. We need to...
535
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,400
Oh, well...yes. Yes.
536
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,320
I'm sorry for what I said
about your experience in Vienna.
537
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,960
I know how painful that must have
been.
538
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,720
It's fine. It's all water
under the Konstantinsteg.
539
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,600
Vienna's oldest bridge.
OK, you were in Vienna, I get it.
540
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,280
Now, you wanted a word with me?
Yeah.
541
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,480
It's about Bird.
I don't think she's happy.
542
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,880
And at the end of the observation
round, Nick's team scores one point.
543
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,400
What's wrong with her?
Are you going to miss her?
544
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,000
Yeah, she's awesome, one in a
million.
545
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,320
Have you told her that? Yeah...
546
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,760
probably.
547
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,200
A while ago.
548
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,080
Oh, I see.
549
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,200
Sergeant Bird. Yes, sir.
550
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,360
Sorry, sir.
551
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,960
The file for Corporal Ava Bishop's
gone missing. Any ideas?
552
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,680
Er, yeah, Mac would
have picked that up.
553
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,560
We should probably check his bunk.
554
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,840
Why don't we wait for him
in the Det?
555
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,160
Don't want to catch him
"thrappus interruptus," do we?
556
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,800
Probably not, sir. Shall we?
557
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,680
(CHEERING)
558
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:43,440
You bunch of soft bloody pansies.
Thank you.
559
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,640
Ladies and gentlemen...
Well, ladies and men.
560
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:49,000
It's now time for the award
for Best Bleep Ever.
561
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,640
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
562
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:54,600
There's only one nomination,
and the award goes to...
563
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,840
Sergeant Lynda Bird!
564
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,160
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
565
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:04,320
Bird, for services to Bluestone 42,
we would like to present you with
this
566
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,920
hastily assembled piece of...
567
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,240
award!
568
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,160
(CHEERING)
569
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,840
To Bird! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
570
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,640
OK, raise a glass to me.
571
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,960
Cos I'm fucking brilliant
and none of you lot should forget it.
572
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,800
And just so you don't...
573
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,960
I hereby announce
that I will not be going to Bastion,
574
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:25,080
but instead remaining here
as Corporal Bird.
575
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,520
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
576
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:32,280
Oh, and Colonel...
you can tell Corporal Bishop
577
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:35,360
she's been spared a tour of
duty with a bunch of sex pests.
578
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:36,840
Here's to me!
579
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,360
ALL: To Bird!
580
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,680
By the way, there's one more award,
there's one more award.
581
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:45,000
This is the award
for the lance corporal
582
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,880
most likely to forget
to log out of his e-mail,
583
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,280
Simon Lansley.
584
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:54,800
There was a cancellation
at Bumcredie Castle,
585
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,960
and your fiancee took it
because you seemed so keen.
586
00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,360
What?! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
587
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,840
Brilliant!
588
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,200
(LAUGHTER)
589
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,480
Arsehole! Arsehole! Arsehole!
590
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:08,720
I got you...
591
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,640
these.
592
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,040
Pork scratchings.
593
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,080
Always knew you were
the best padre ever.
594
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:16,920
They're not easy to come by
in a strict Muslim country.
595
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:19,920
I'm now pledged in marriage
to Faruq's oldest son.
596
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,400
Still...nice to be engaged again.
597
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,640
Thanks, Nick.
598
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,920
Sir, I need your help
getting a picture back from Mac.
599
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:31,760
Before you go on, Corporal,
take this folder back to my office.
600
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:34,000
Be extremely careful
with that picture...
601
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,080
because it could fall off
and be very easily replaced.
602
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:39,760
Sir.
603
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:40,960
Carry on.
604
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:47,840
Mac...
605
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,480
swap?
606
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:50,920
Brilliant!
607
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,520
Hm.
608
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,200
Ha-ha!
609
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,280
(GASPS)
610
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,200
Ooh!
BIRD: Go on, Mac.
611
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,640
Fiver on Millsy.
612
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,520
(CHEERING)
613
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,760
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