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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,760
This programme contains very strong
language.
2
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,440
Let me get this right.
3
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,360
Celtic, SPL champions,
4
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:27,560
have got nae chance against Hibs,
a bunch of fannies frae Edinburgh.
5
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:29,320
Piss off.
6
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,200
Eyes on!
7
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,400
You know Celtics are without Hooper?
8
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,280
Whit? Thigh strain.
9
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,600
My nephew sent me text message.
He is taxi driver in Hamilton.
10
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,720
Your nephew lives in Scotland?
He says it's a real dump.
11
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,600
HELICOPTER WHIRRING
12
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,120
CHATTER ON RADIO
13
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,320
Ugh. Have you set the suit
to gas mark six, Millsy?
14
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,360
Er...what?
15
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,920
I'm implying the suit is an
oven, Millsy. It's buggered.
16
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,040
Orders from the SAT. Wear the suit
as often as practical. It's safer.
17
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,640
Oh, so, it's safer for me
to pass out face first into
a boatload of explosives?
18
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:05,280
I don't get it. I fixed this.
And I put new batteries in.
It should be working.
19
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,480
No shit. You need bomb suit?
20
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:13,240
Yes, I do, Faruq. Although, ideally,
not one made by the Soviets in 1981.
21
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,480
Oh.
22
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,960
I have ordered a replacement, boss.
Well, where is it? My request
23
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,720
has been approved. So, some blanket
stacker has a piece of paper,
24
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:24,480
saying that he approves of your
piece of paper? Order...it...again.
25
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,360
And again. And again.
26
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,320
Until someone finally delivers it.
27
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:33,200
Boss. OK. Now, my duties
are running clear, Millsy.
28
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,400
Ah. Time to take me out of the oven.
29
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,520
TV: Celtic obviously the
favourites here, John...
30
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,120
COMMENTARY CONTINUES
31
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,640
Sit down!
SHOUTING
32
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:13,640
COMMENTARY CONTINUES
33
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:17,960
I'll never forget the first time
my dad took me to see Hibs
at Easter Road. I was ten.
34
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,560
Best meat pie of my life.
35
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:25,360
Aye. Hibs should pack in the fitba
and enter fuckin' MasterChef.
36
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,240
SOLDIERS: Aw...!
37
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,680
No football today.
38
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:29,760
SOLDIERS: Ah!
39
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,880
Record it and watch it tomorrow.
40
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,600
You're going to be busy
with Captain Softly
41
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,600
preparing for a midnight raid
on a bomb factory in Nowabad.
42
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,920
So, that should be exciting.
Plans going up on the screen now.
43
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,720
Excellent.
44
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:47,680
Over to you, Recce Platoon
Commander...Captain Softly.
45
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,320
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello, cunts!
46
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,000
CHEERING
47
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,360
We've recced a compound in Nowabad
48
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,120
where those twisted fuckers
make IEDs.
49
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,760
So we thought we'd pop back
with our friends
50
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,920
and tear Terence Taliban a new one.
51
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,080
Now, there are two ways
we can go in.
52
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,800
Option one, knock on the door and
pretend to be Jehovah's Witnesses.
53
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:14,480
Or option two, blow the gates,
pile in,
54
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:18,720
chuck a few grenades around,
brass the fuckers up.
55
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,440
Hands up for option one?
56
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:22,880
Option two it is.
57
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:29,200
So, at 2300, transport will drop
1 Platoon and Bluestone 42 here.
58
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,800
Alpha and Bravo sections
will secure the outer area,
59
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,000
shooting anything that moves,
60
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,440
while Captain Medhurst blows
the gates to fuckington come.
61
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,760
Charlie section will secure
the outer compound
62
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:45,160
then 2 Platoon will enter the
building and clear it room by room.
63
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:51,000
Do not touch a fucking thing
unless Bluestone 42 say you can.
64
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,840
Unless you fancy losing
a fucking leg.
65
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,880
At which point your military career
will be over.
66
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:58,080
Although on the plus side you might
be able to start for Hibs.
67
00:03:58,080 --> 00:03:59,360
Oi!
LAUGHTER
68
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,080
Any questions? Good.
69
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,360
We leave at 2100.
70
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,400
Colonel?
71
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:07,080
Thank you, Captain Softly.
72
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,160
So, go over the plan in your teams
73
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,880
and remember, what's the first rule
of a daring midnight raid?
74
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:15,920
Surprise!
75
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:19,600
Ah...
76
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,920
So we detonate the explosive
on the gates.
77
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,120
Cheers, Millsy.
78
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,080
We stay out of 2 Platoon's way.
They pile through.
79
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:40,120
Then we bimble in, take a shufty.
We expecting much resistance?
80
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,640
About as much as I'd expect
from Rocket's mum
after a couple of lagers.
81
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,720
We're hoping to catch Terry Taliban
in his pyjamas,
82
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:49,800
rather than having some
friends around for a
who's-got-the-biggest-gun party.
83
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,520
If you are feeling nervous,
go and see the Padre.
84
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,080
Door's always open, guys, OK?
85
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,360
Post. Blueys for Mac and Rocket.
86
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:57,640
That's a parcel for you. Thanks.
87
00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,360
This one's from HQ.
And a parcel for me.
88
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,960
All right for some. No, not really.
I think it's from my dad.
89
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,640
Yep. "Dear Mary,
90
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,760
"can never remember whether you
love cashews or are very allergic."
91
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:11,560
Very allergic, Dad. Coincidentally,
I absolutely love cashews.
92
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,840
And I'm adorable and about to raid
a bomb factory.
93
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:19,160
Every time I put one in my mouth,
I shall think of you.
94
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,000
OK, everyone, listen up.
95
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,400
In other news, a new campaign
has been launched
96
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,920
to release the Danish aid worker
Astrid Nygaard...
97
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,600
Gleaming! Ooh, yeah.
98
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,400
Now, remember we have talked about
appropriate responses to this.
99
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,160
She is a Taliban hostage.
There's a time and a place.
100
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,960
Is there a photie? Hell, yeah!
And it's another hot one.
101
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,560
Ah, gies it. They're just very
concerned for her wellbeing.
102
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,840
I'm sure they'd be just as concerned
if she wasn't...quite pretty.
103
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,720
No, no. Sorry, no, no, that's mine.
That's mine.
104
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:47,880
What the fuck is this?
105
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,400
"A Foot in Death's Door, A Memoir
by Lance Corporal Simon Lansley."
106
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,920
Yeah, OK. OK! I wrote a memoir.
107
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,200
ALL: Ooh!
108
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,720
All right! Let's get
all the jokes out of the way.
109
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,440
Don't have time, Simon.
Could take all day.
110
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:03,720
There's the first.
"From a young age, I'd always
wanted to be a soldier.
111
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,680
"Focused, trained, uninformed."
112
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,520
Uniformed.
That should say uniformed.
113
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,200
"The Corporal protested angrily."
Piss off, Mac!
114
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,400
He barked, still annoyed
at his rubbish spelling.
115
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,520
Guys, leave him alone.
What did they say?
116
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:20,600
"Thank you for sending us
A Foot In Death's Door,
which we enjoyed reading.
117
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,280
"Unfortunate...unfortunately
we didn't..."
118
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:26,880
Find it quite distinctive
enough to stand out
in a competitive market.
119
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:30,320
It's a standard rejection.
I used to work in publishing
before I was a Padre.
120
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,080
At least I got off my arse
and tried to get a book deal.
121
00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,000
I tried to get a book deal once.
Yeah? What happened?
122
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,320
I got a book deal.
What? Did you?
123
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,000
Yeah, spent the advance,
forgot to write the book.
124
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,400
Millsy, do you want to write a book?
When do you need it by, boss?
125
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,600
No offence, Nick,
but how did you get a book deal?
Er...he has been in the papers.
126
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,200
But mainly cos that journo
at the Express
127
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,200
is obsessed with him.
HQ keep feeding her stories, so...
128
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:54,560
Yeah, you know,
the double-page spread, Nick
"Ten bombs in one day" Medhurst.
129
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,800
Which is factually accurate.
You know what's next?
130
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,640
Ten bombs in one day.
Ten times in one night.
131
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,160
OTHERS: Wa-hey!
Yeah, OK, look. I'm...I'm definitely
132
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,680
not going to sleep with her
again, OK?
133
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,360
Not that I ever have.
134
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,040
Not...ten times, anyway.
135
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:13,520
Although, obviously,
I could have managed that.
136
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,440
If I'd wanted to.
For heaven's sake!
137
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:16,720
Which is all in the past.
138
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,600
So, let's prepare for tonight's
raid, then. Good meeting, everyone!
139
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,760
Mary! Look, I didn't want
to sleep with that journalist.
140
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,440
Oh, she forced you?
Nick, it's fine. Do what you like.
141
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,360
You seem to think of me as some
sort of unfettered Lothario.
142
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,640
Oh, do I?
Thanks for the briefing, Captain.
143
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,320
If I was, I'd be sleeping with Bird.
144
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,080
And you. And Millsy too, probably,
145
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:39,080
who I'm sure would be...
very accommodating.
146
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,040
I am surprised you haven't
already slept with Bird.
147
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,240
You've slept with Bird.
148
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,520
Well, we were training.
We got it out of the way
so we could be friends.
149
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,760
And I am more than happy
to get it out of the way with you
150
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,240
so that we can have the friendship
that you seem to crave.
151
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,000
Crave? That's a bit strong.
Tolerate, maybe.
152
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,040
What? A quick word with the Padre,
in private?
153
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,040
Fine. I can tell
when I'm not wanted.
154
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,560
Oh, I don't think that's true.
155
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,440
I didn't know you were in
publishing. Would you have
a quick look at my book for me?
156
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:13,640
All you need to know is that
it's not just about the book.
You need a hook.
157
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,120
A hook?
158
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,600
Like Abu Hamza?
159
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,720
No, as in something particular
about you.
160
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,600
Like, um...like Nick is
"the ten bombs guy".
161
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,880
Ah. And it's also about the look.
162
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,320
So, if you have a hook and a
good look, you've got a book.
163
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,040
A hook, a look and a book.
164
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,840
Have a quick read of it anyway,
will you, Padre? Cheers.
165
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,480
All set for tonight?
Yup. Think so. Yup.
166
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,560
Er...what did you order those for?
167
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,360
Well, he told me
to keep ordering it, so...
168
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:43,120
No, that's an old-style suit.
No air con.
169
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,240
Standard issue for
Northern Ireland.
170
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,480
Capable of withstanding petrol bombs
and permanent drizzle.
171
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:52,080
I'm going to get creased again. I
filled out the form on the computer.
172
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,120
Er...! Rule one. Don't fill out
the form.
173
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,400
Call them up and say
you're with Counter-IED.
174
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,440
They'll tell you to fill in a form.
Right, so I fill out the form.
175
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,560
Er...! You've already forgot
rule one, don't fill out the form.
176
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,080
All right. Don't get cross.
177
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,160
Rule two, get cross,
and then ask for their name.
178
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,720
That usually shits them up.
All right.
179
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,120
Rule two, get cross, get their
name. Rule three? Put the kettle on.
180
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,080
What, after I get their name?
No. Now. Milk.
181
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,320
One sugar.
182
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,360
Oh. Aha! I get it.
183
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,120
New bomb suits?
184
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:19,920
Well, old bomb suits. New old
bomb suits. They're not required.
185
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,680
I mean, we do require some suits,
but those aren't the suits
you're looking for.
186
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:26,080
Are you trying to do
a Jedi mind trick on me?
187
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,640
Oh. Ha!
188
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,520
Listen, Bird,
189
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,200
how am I going to prove to Mary
that I'm not only interested
in one thing?
190
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,280
Stop trying to have sex with her.
Yeah, but if I do that,
191
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:39,240
how am I going to get to have sex
with her? Mm, the eternal conundrum.
192
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:53,760
Oof.
193
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,760
OK, guys! So, you know how
Nick is the "ten bombs guy", right?
194
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,720
Well, Mary says I need a hook.
195
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:02,600
Er...for my book.
196
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,680
A short punchy description about me.
197
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:07,960
So...?
198
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,120
I do not think this will end well.
No.
199
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:14,360
How about Lance Corporal Lansley,
"not officer material"...
200
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,080
OTHERS SNORT
"Sandhurst."
201
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,680
That wasn't Sandhurst, actually.
202
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,080
That was Captain Glover
in my regiment said that about me.
203
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,600
That's all right, then.
204
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,560
Lance Corporal Lansley,
five foot seven!
205
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,120
CHUCKLES
206
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:30,000
Lance Corporal Lansley,
first-class fuckwit.
207
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,000
LAUGHTER
I don't know why I said anything.
208
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,000
I was quite surprised.
209
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,800
CRUNCHING
210
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:13,600
CLICK
211
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:16,680
WHISPERS
212
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,400
Honey! I'm home!
213
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,280
GUNSHOTS
214
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,280
GUNFIRE
215
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,040
PANTING
216
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:55,640
GUNFIRE
217
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,240
PANTING
218
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,200
GUNFIRE
219
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,160
SHOUTS
220
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,200
I've got this! You crack on!
221
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,280
GUNFIRE
222
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,720
Rocket, get a medic! Yeah.
223
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:16,960
Mac, watch the door.
224
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,560
Thank God.
225
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:23,080
Are you Astrid Nygaard? No,
I'm the Little fucking Mermaid.
226
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:25,280
What? Yes, I'm Astrid Nygaard!
227
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,160
What? Medic coming.
228
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,920
Is she the Danish bird? Aye.
229
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,760
SHOUTING OUTSIDE
Fucking hell! She is hot.
230
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,840
Super-fucking-hot.
I mean, she is gorgeous.
231
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:36,920
Thank you very much.
232
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,000
You speak English? Of course!
233
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,840
Shit. Oh! If you know the results
of Hibs-Celtic, don't tell us!
234
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:46,040
Let's go. I found the hostage,
everyone!
235
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,360
I found the hostage! Medic!
236
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:49,840
Simon! What the hell were you doing
237
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,880
racing off like a lunatic when...
Hello. It's you!
238
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,560
From the newspaper.
Ten bombs in a day.
239
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,120
Just doing my job. So brave!
240
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,800
And even taller than I thought.
241
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,560
Medic! Where's this medic?
242
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,440
It's good to meet you, Captain.
243
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,120
Call me Nick. All right.
244
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,400
Come this way, please. Oh.
245
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:11,280
You're going to be fine, just fine.
Thank you.
246
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:14,120
What? Look, I have other
interests, OK?
247
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,240
Yeah, but one main one.
248
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,240
Well done, everyone!
249
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,400
Really good job, every...
250
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,000
Move out.
251
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,280
MARY: Well done. Oh, well done.
252
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,840
I hear it was a success. Well done,
guys. Where's the hostage?
253
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,240
I don't know. Why are you asking me?
I thought that you...
254
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,600
Look, I'm not going to sleep
with her, OK? Jesus!
255
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,440
Blimey.
256
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,320
HELICOPTER WHIRRING
257
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,600
SIGHS: Huh!
258
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:49,120
Hi, Nick.
259
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:52,640
Oh.
260
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,560
Hello.
261
00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:02,080
I wanted to, um...thank you
properly for rescuing me.
262
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,800
Actually, er...
Simon rescued you, so...
263
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:09,840
Yes, but I did not have
his picture on my office wall.
264
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,240
Well, as Simon's
commanding officer, I...
265
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:17,000
..suppose it was me, in a way,
266
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,880
that...rescued you.
267
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,280
Yes.
268
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:24,800
Cashew nut?
269
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,400
You're not as sexually confident
as I expected, Nick.
270
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,520
Er...bloody am, actually. It's...
271
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:39,760
Hey.
272
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,520
OK.
273
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,040
PANTING AND GRUNTING
274
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,440
Sorry. Er...fiddly.
275
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,080
Um...help yourself to a nut.
276
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:55,120
SHE CHUCKLES
Somebody likes you. Who sent these?
277
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,240
Oh, they're from...
278
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,560
Actually, they're from the Padre.
279
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,560
Best Padre ever. Yeah.
280
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,200
Um...
281
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,800
Sorry, maybe this isn't a good idea.
282
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,440
You're kidding, right?
283
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,600
We're only interested
in one thing, aren't we?
284
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,840
Actually, I'm not...actually.
285
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,440
Good.
Sure, you're deep and meaningful.
286
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,720
Now can you please have sex
with me?
287
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,080
You have got to be fucking joking.
This is your only chance.
288
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:30,760
I know. Tomorrow you'll be gone,
and... No, tomorrow I'll be famous.
289
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:34,720
Hot hostage who got rescued?
I'll be on chat shows.
290
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:38,560
Denmark only has one chat show,
but I will be on it. A lot.
291
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:39,680
Sorry.
292
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,520
My mother was right.
British guys are fucking weird.
293
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,800
Come on, then. Nick?
294
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,280
A word, please.
295
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,280
I'm very disappointed in you.
296
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,120
Astrid was in a really
vulnerable position
297
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,600
and to take advantage of that is
just... Well, it's wrong, actually.
298
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,000
Bit sexist to assume it was
Nick who took advantage of her.
299
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,480
Well, was Nick emotionally
vulnerable after being
kidnapped by the Taliban?
300
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,200
Not really.
He could hardly say no, could he?
301
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,240
She'd been imprisoned for two
months.
302
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:21,640
She must have been desperate.
No offence.
303
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,680
He could have exercised
some self-control.
304
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,600
Why do you care?
Oh! Do you want to sleep with Nick?
305
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,560
I'm the Padre.
It would be totally preposterous.
306
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:30,600
Do you want to sleep with him? No.
307
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,640
I have a duty of care to Astrid.
You're jealous.
308
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:33,680
No, I'm not. Are so.
309
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,600
I'm not going to resort to, "No,
you're not, yes, you are" with you.
310
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,640
Yeah, you are. No, I'm not.
311
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:39,640
See? Look. This isn't really
your business, so...
312
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,360
Fine. Fine.
313
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,680
I didn't sleep with her.
BOTH: What?
314
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:49,480
I saw her leaving your quarters.
She was up for it.
315
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,240
I said no. Bollocks.
316
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,040
Nick, it's not the sex that
I disapprove of. It's the lying.
317
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,760
A minute ago it was the sex.
Yeah, it is the sex too.
318
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,400
But lying is cowardly
and it's wrong.
319
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,400
I'm not impressed, Nick.
Badly done.
320
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,800
Ooh! Hey, Mary! Did you hear?
Oh, yes, I did, Simon.
321
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,440
Well done. You've got your hook.
322
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:12,320
Yeah. I'm the
hot-Danish-aid-worker-rescuing
lance corporal guy. Bang, bang!
323
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,520
Sorry. Snappy.
324
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,760
Oh, dear.
I don't understand.
325
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,560
9381.
326
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:37,360
9...831. Oh, no.
327
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,080
Rule four, attention to detail.
328
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,960
Rule five,
put the kettle on again.
329
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,640
Ooh, nice one. No. Piss off, Bird!
330
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:45,160
And you, Simon. I'm tired of being
pushed around.
331
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:48,280
This is good, Millsy.
Rule two, get cross.
332
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:51,360
Now, get on the phone to the QM
and imagine the guy on the other end
333
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,600
just nicked all the
A's from your Scrabble set.
334
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,680
All nine of them?
335
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,400
Well, who would do that?
336
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,560
BEEPING
337
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,440
Hello?
338
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,720
Hi. Yeah.
339
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,040
Yeah, I'm really pissed off!
340
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,400
Yeah. Lives are at stake here!
341
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,680
I want action and I want it now.
342
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,240
Yeah, yeah, sure, I'll hold.
343
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,280
That's good, Simon, but braver.
344
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,640
Yeah? Braver.
345
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,920
Braver! Ignore that.
346
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,880
Just keep looking at me,
smile and look brave.
347
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,000
Like you're going to kill me.
You're going to kill me! Grr!
348
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,320
Yeah, now left a bit.
That is good, Simon.
349
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,880
Keep looking at me.
350
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,200
Yeah, that is good.
That is good, Simon.
351
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,360
Yeah? Brilliant.
352
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,680
Chin up.
353
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,360
Oh, that is... Phew.
354
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,200
A few more.
You've got to have the shot by now.
355
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,480
Come on! Come on, it's boiling!
356
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,600
OK, we're done. Right.
357
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,320
They're in there. Oh, yes.
358
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,640
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
359
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,160
They're basically all the same
after that. Cool.
360
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,240
Could you pick out the best one
and just mock it up for me?
361
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,640
With pleasure.
Bird, you are the best!
362
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,440
Ho-ho! Hook! Tick! Look! Tick!
I am sorted.
363
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,440
Bird? Is he coming back?
364
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,640
Why? Are you avoiding him?
365
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,600
I've just spent the morning
trying to read his book. And?
366
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,600
It's very detailed. It gives a
really strong sense of who Simon is.
367
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,000
Ooh, that bad?
368
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,320
Yeah, it's a bad book.
Mm-hm. It's an anti-book.
369
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,640
But it doesn't matter, does it?
370
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,600
Because he's already got
the hook and the look.
371
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,320
Yeah, it's not like he's gonna
want any kind of validation
372
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,040
from an authority figure.
373
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,640
Oh, no.
374
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,040
Do I have to tell the truth?
375
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,160
Hang on, what was it you said
about lying? Oh, yeah, that
it's cowardly and wrong.
376
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,080
Yes. Very good.
377
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,680
But he's not going to make you swear
on the Bible, is he? We're off.
378
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:56,000
Transport in ten. Yeah, hang on.
Come on, Bird! Move your arse!
379
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,200
Shit. I think I've broken Millsy.
380
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,360
Right.
381
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,320
Time to take a dekko at the bomb.
382
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,960
Boss, there's a new suit.
383
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,760
MAN SPEAKING ON RADIO
384
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,080
Well, it appears to have
a very effective cloaking device.
385
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,160
Look, that'll be it now.
386
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,320
So, a point's a point.
387
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,080
Just stop fucking gloating
about the fucking fitba!
388
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,480
It's not like Hibs won! Nil-nil.
389
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,200
Respectable result...for Celtic.
We didnae have
390
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,880
our best striker.
And that sending off...
391
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,840
OK, you two, settle this
when you get back.
Play tiddlywinks or something.
392
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,320
As long as Mac gets one less wink.
393
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,520
It was never a red card!
Eyes on!
394
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,040
I'm impressed.
Still not going to wear it.
395
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,600
But nice work, Millsy.
Boss, just wear the fucking suit.
396
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:58,640
For me?
397
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,040
Fine. Yes!
398
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,240
KNOCKS
Hello? Oh, hello.
399
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,880
You're still with us.
Yes, transport problems.
400
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,240
Listen, I... I need to talk to you
about Nick.
401
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,160
Yes, I thought this might happen.
402
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:16,400
Sadly, Nick is
only interested in one thing.
403
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,880
So, why won't he sleep with me?
404
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,200
What? You didn't?
405
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,280
He said it wasn't a good idea.
Bullshit! It was a great idea.
406
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,720
Was it? Really?
I haven't had sex in two months!
407
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,560
No, well, the thing about Nick is,
he...
408
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,920
Oh, I see.
Oh, you and him, you're fucking?
409
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,440
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
410
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,000
Can you imagine?
411
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,520
I'm not... So, what's his problem?
412
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,800
OK, I'm stuck here for another
18 hours,
413
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:45,360
so you can tell Nick from me that
he should...pull out his finger.
414
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,880
Right. I'll pass that on. Great.
415
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,600
Or not.
416
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,160
It's a tricky one, Millsy.
417
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,000
I think we're gonna need to
break out the old flying scalpel.
418
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,400
And how's the suit for you there,
boss?
419
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,000
I'm only wearing it for you, Millsy.
420
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,040
Personally, I think my bum
looks big in it, but...
421
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,520
MILLSY: Shit!
Hello, Diamond 21!
422
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,360
This is Bluestone 42.
Contact IED. Wait out!
423
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,080
Boss! Everyone all right?
424
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,560
Yeah.
425
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,120
GROANS
426
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:23,240
Boss!
427
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:24,920
Oh.
428
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,400
Ow! Fuck!
429
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,080
Boss, are you all right? Millsy?
430
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,800
Check my balls.
431
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,720
What? Check my balls.
432
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,360
Everybody, help!
433
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,600
Millsy's totally touching my balls!
434
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,440
LAUGHTER
435
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,040
I'm glad you're OK, boss. Oh, God.
436
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:53,920
Make me a brew and ask me again.
437
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,720
Make it yourself!
I've been on the phone all day
438
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,840
trying to get the bloody suit that
just literally saved your arse! Yeah.
439
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,800
Yeah, when you put it like that...
440
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,920
..we probably should get Bird
to make it.
441
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:10,520
It's OK, boss, it's my job.
I know how you like it.
442
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,240
Lance Corporal Lansley,
can I have a word? Sir?
443
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:28,080
Congratulations on your rescue
of that Danish girl.
Very good. Very good indeed.
444
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:29,960
Just doing my job, sir. Yeah.
445
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,320
We're going to say that Nick did it.
Sir?
446
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,480
We're going to say
that Nick rescued the hostage.
447
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,160
Yeah, the PR monkeys want
to throw this to that woman
448
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:38,560
at the Express he shagged.
449
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,040
CHUCKLES
450
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,040
Good for the team.
451
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,600
You know the best soldiers
are the ones that go unnoticed.
452
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,000
Like waiters.
453
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,080
Till they kick the doors down
and shoot everyone.
454
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,760
Unlike waiters.
455
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,480
You follow?
456
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,120
I think so, sir.
457
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:58,760
Good man. Carry on.
458
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,640
Jesus... Padre?
459
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,720
Oh, Simon. Yes.
I heard about that IED. Is Nick OK?
460
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,400
Cos I should probably go...
He's fine. Nick's always fine.
461
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,160
Well, he might be... We're all fine!
462
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,280
If you could just let me know
about the book.
463
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:32,880
And don't beat around the bush.
I've been shot at. I can take it.
464
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,000
Well...well, it's certainly...
465
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,600
Bird said this might happen.
466
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,520
Tell me the truth.
It's terrible, isn't it?
467
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,200
Yes, Simon.
468
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:52,760
Truly terrible.
469
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:54,600
I didn't expect you to agree
with me!
470
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,040
You're supposed to say,
"No, Simon, it's not terrible!"
471
00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,360
Bloody hell, Padre! You're supposed
to be keeping up morale!
472
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,840
Simon, but it's fine,
because you've still got your hook.
473
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:06,160
No, I've lost my hook. They're going
to say that Nick rescued Astrid.
474
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:07,160
Oh, shit.
475
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,440
Sorry. All I have is my look.
476
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,000
Thanks, Padre.
477
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,520
Fucking hell.
478
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,600
Nick, can I come in?
I owe you an apology.
479
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:47,840
Stay there.
480
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,480
It's fine, really. See you later.
481
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,720
No, no, it's not fine, because I
didn't trust you and I should have.
482
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,520
Hi, Mary!
Thanks for passing on my message.
483
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:00,880
Best Padre ever.
484
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,400
He really pulled out his finger.
485
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,600
I was just...debriefing her.
486
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,280
Oh! That reminds me. Oh...
487
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,720
Nick, I really wanted to believe
that you were better than this.
488
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:15,760
Yeah, but you didn't, did you?
489
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,400
So I thought I might as well
just go ahead
490
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:18,960
and do all the things
you accused me of.
491
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,120
And some other things
that Astrid thought of.
492
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:22,680
Right!
493
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,600
Boss, game on!
We're playing a decider. Hibs-Celtic.
494
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,320
Full-contact power football
extreme!
495
00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,960
WHISTLE BLOWS
Gentlemen!
496
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:41,680
Lady. Welcome to the inaugural game
of power football extreme!
497
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,000
CHEERING
498
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,640
Hibs versus Celtics!
499
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,160
Celtic will kick off.
500
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:53,840
WHISTLE BLOWS
501
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,200
SHOUTING
502
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,400
and back from the wars
503
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:01,480
and the fire burned tall
504
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,720
505
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:07,440
506
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,240
507
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:15,440
and much much more
508
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,840
509
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:22,040
Come on!
510
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,760
511
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,600
512
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,400
513
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,120
514
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:40,640
WHISTLE BLOWS
515
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,680
516
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:47,040
GROWLING
517
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,240
SNIGGERS
518
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,640
Ref!
519
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,880
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