Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(SIREN WAILS) 451 Papa Kilo, hit and run at Crystal Palace Stadium.

Air ambulance en route.

(PHONE DINGS) Who's hollering at you, man?

It's distracting. No wonder Lewis Hamilton drives alone.

Oh, sorry, it's my Tinder.

What? Tinder? You? No, Wendy, Wendy, listen to me. You don't need Tinder.

You're ancient! You're not gonna find your next husband on there!

I'm not looking for my next husband!

Just someone to fulfil my sexual needs.

Hey! No. No-one needs to hear that from you, man!

Don't hear me talking about all the gyal that wanna ride my ting off.

I'd love to ride someone's ting off.

How hard can it be to meet a half-decent man,

who's up for a giggle, with big hands?

Why the hands? Just like them.

My ex's were tiny.

They were like a doll's hands. Flippin' heck, man.

Listen, it's time to get professional.

RADIO: Update message: two casualties,

both male, one serious head wound.

(WHOOPS) HEMS in the house!

Look, we're working with the big guns today, Wendy.

So don't be weird!

Alright team! Let's go! (LAUGHS)

OK. I said, don't be weird!

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah!

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah!

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah... ♪

Hello love, I'm Wendy.

Can you tell me where it hurts?

Yo! Yo, we need some help over here!

My man's gone to the sunken place.

Sick. Look, they're coming over. Don't mess this up for me.

Alright, what mess have you groundhogs made here?

Excuse me? We've done nothing. Exactly.

No peripheral pulse. Carotid pulse still there.

Low sats, heart rate dropping. (MONITOR BEEPS) Internal bleeding.

This chap won't make it to hospital. We need to open him up here, OK?

Wait, what. We're gonna... just gonna do a proper roadside surgery?

Yeah, why? Can't you hack it? (CHUCKLES) Hey, you're mad, Phil.

Ay, I got this. Bust him open, blud.

You. Get an IV in now! There's no need to be rude.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, you know.

I'm not trying to catch flies, I'm trying to save a patient's life.

But maybe we should have a chat about manners instead,

while this man dies. (LAUGHS) Sick burn.

Jump back, jump back, it's me!

He's losing blood. We need to transfuse.

Ooooh, hey, Phil!

That's a nice bag of blood you got, you know. Proper red and that.

-Bloody. -What are you, a vampire? Aaah! (CHUCKLES)

Nah. Man's Blackula, you get me?

Oy Wendy, look at us riffing!

Riffing... you hearing this?

I didn't hear any pleases -or thank yous. -Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you so much for doing your job to the expected level.

Hand on heart, Philip? I love the way you cuss out Wendy.

I just love it.

OK, Kareshma, lucky day.

We need a new paramedic. Jez was assaulted last week.

(SIGHS WITH RELIEF) Yes! You'll take his place with Gary.

Who's Gary?

Nice to meet you, Kareshma.

Sorry, were you there the whole time?

Oh. (CHUCKLES) I guess I blend in with the furniture.

I've been here 20 years.

Seen a lot of fresh faces like you come and go.

Put 'em through hell! Ask Jo.

STAMMERING: No, not really. I try and keep the training fun.

Oh, I can skip all that - I'm self-taught.

We all have something to learn, Kareshma, even me.

If you're looking for feedback, I can put some down in writing.

That depends if you want to get knocked on your arse.

OK, I think we should get out of Jo's hair.

Thank you.

No need to thank me.

No need to thank me, Kareshma.

(SIREN WAILS) Tranexamic in.

I need you to squeeze the aorta.

Who, me?

OK. Um...

What do I do?

Put your hand in, lift the heart, don't let go till I tell you.

Don't let go. (SHUDDERS) Urgh!

Aaah! You move an inch, this man is dead.

(MALEEK STAMMERS)

(GASPS)

Stemmed the bleed - for now. Great job.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Can I let go? Yeah.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIR) SHOUTING: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on!

Alright. What are you doing?

-Huh? -What are you doing? Yeah, yeah, probably...

I'll take the ambo. I'll meet you there, yeah?

God speed, rude boi!

This must be how Beyonce feels!

(SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT)

(ALARM SOUNDS)

Hey! Oh.

(ENGINE SWITCHES OFF) Hi.

Yeah... -What's up? -Uh...

Yeah, no, I was just thinking. God, bloody sad news about Jez.

Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just heard he lost an eye.

Yeah. Stammers: I don't... He might lose an eye.

-Might lose an eye. -Dunno. We were thinking of...

certainly, clubbing together, maybe -getting him something. -Oh yeah!

Yeah, nice, nice.

What, telescope? Yeah.

No, too soon.

Yeah. I mean, it's scary to think -just what's happening. -Yeah.

Sure. I mean, you're out there on your own, aren't you?

-Yeah. -I am. Yeah, I am. Scared.

I mean, if you are scared, I could find you a partner.

Um... I could. You could...

Um... -I could? -You could.

Yeah, I could be your partner. Yeah.

I hadn't thought of that, Lawrence, but... Oh.

No problem. I don't actually want a partner,

because - thanks for the offer. You offered.

But I'm, er, I'm actually fine. Yeah.

Me too. Just, er, on my own at the moment.

Mmm. I was joking. (CHUCKLES) Right. OK.

Because I can't be your partner - I'm your boss.

Yeah, yeah, sure. OK. Er...

Yeah. Can we do this later?

Because... This?

-Yeah. -OK, yeah, sure. We're not paid to chat.

I'm very busy, if it's alright with you.

Alright, well, you stopped me.... -Let's get going. -OK.

(BIKE ENGINE REVS)

Whoa! Did you see when I had the heart in my hand?

That's like... (IMITATES HEARTBEAT)

Then the helicopter blew through. (IMITATES HELICOPTER)

Yes, I know! I was there! Eee! (LAUGHS)

Have you thought about air ambulance, Maleek?

Nope! I'm not on it.

I am powered by the streets!

I'm sure the streets wouldn't miss you that much.

Besides, they've got me. RAGGA ACCENT: 'Wicked Wendy!'

Big man, we're gonna put that in a list

of things that you never say nor do again.

The thing that people don't understand is, it's a closed shop.

It's all about who you know. Well, now we know Phil!

After all, he said great job to YOU -

even though we were ALL part of it.

Look, I'm not on it, innit.

You just don't believe in yourself.

Would someone who don't believe in himself

have them self as their own screensaver?

All I'm saying is, I thought I couldn't leave my marriage.

I knew there was more out there, but I just didn't believe.

Now look at me!

I'm free, I'm single, I'm eating Thai sweet chilli crisps!

Yeah, but you eat crisps like you ain't got no teeth.

I like to suck the flavour. Just crunch, bruv! Bite it!

(SIREN WAILS)

He's gonna live. -Blap! -NURSE: Great! (CHUCKLES)

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop! Blap, blap, blap, blap!

-It's leet, compos! -Amazing. Hey, yeah, wa-hey! (LAUGHS)

Ah, groundhogs! Nice work. Bruv!

Hoo! Philly, you did that, you did it! (CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFS) What you got on there, blud?

You smell nice under that turtleneck still.

Just used some anti-bac. Ooh. The good shit! Ungh! Phil!

WHISPERS: Ask him!

Phil!

Uh... Sides... Yo, look, can I...

I just was seeing if maybe I could...

pick your brain about, like, your job?.

You asking me out on a date, Maleek? Whaaat? No. (LAUGHS)

You know what, I'm just gonna forget about it. Oh! Shit, sorry.

Sorry about that. I'm gonna go. I'm joking. Let's do it.

Tomorrow, why don't you come to HQ and do a trial shift?

You talk the talk, let's see if you can fly the fly.

I can fly the fly!

Trial shift? Cool. Cool.

You should both come. Think you can hack it?

I'm not sure my little brain could cope with the important job you do.

Fair point. -Fair point. -I'm gonna bounce,

because I've got a big day. SINGS: Big day in the skies!

(LAUGHS) (WHINES HAPPILY) Woohoo!

Has anyone ever told you you're a very rude man?

Yes. I get it a lot.

Have you considered being less of a... arrogant bastard?

If I'm rude on the job, it's cos I have standards.

If someone as important as me drops standards, people die.

But, hands up, I'm sorry if I was harsh earlier.

Ooh! You've got very big hands, Phil.

Yo Jo! You wanted to see me, boss?

Yeah. Er, heard you got a trial shift with air ambulance, and...

Look, before you say anything. I...

You don't have to beg me to stay.

I'm gonna be a big loss, I know, I know.

You're probably gonna shed two tears and all that, but look.

I won't forget you. I won't forget where I started.

(LAUGHS) Ah, good one.

No, I wanted to strongly warn you against it.

I don't want you to see your dreams crushed.

Uh... (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) -They only take the best. -Er...

Jo, look. I am not going to let this opportunity fly by, alright?

(LAUGHS) Bird gang! (IMITATES SONGBIRD)

Great news about the trial shift.

We're rooting for you. Rooting for you.

You lot are hurting right now, innit? Jealous!

We actually got offered air ambulance.

But they only had the one spot.

-TOGETHER: -Can't lose my left arm. Can't lose my right arm.

He's my heartbeat.

You are proper jarring, bruv.

It's the pressure. Don't worry, it's not you.

(SIREN WAILS)

Oooh, have you dressed up for Phil later?

Oooh, that's cute!

(TUTS) I dressed up for you. It's not cute, it's professional.

(PHONE DINGS) Tinder again?

You proper wanna get chopped up and put in a spliff, innit?

Not Tinder. It's Phil.

He's been texting me all morning.

What? And you didn't think to mention this?

Have you hollered at him back? No! I'm spooking him!

What? I read about it online.

It's called ghosting, you dead ting. Oh yeah, ghosting.

(KISSES TEETH) And the only way you can do that

is if you've had sex with someone, so...

So... (IMITATES GHOST) Woo-oo-ooo!

Wait, Wendy. What are you...?

I had sex with Phil last night. Eurgh! No, man!

No allow it, man!

I did allow it!

(GAGS)

(KEEPS GAGGING) That's disgust.

Eurgh, you don't sleep with someone in the same friendship group!

What if it doesn't work out now and I want to go to the countryside?

Who'm I gonna shoot goose with?

That was my white friend to shoot goose.

-Lozza.Hi. -I've been thinking about what you said,

about being shit scared -out on the streets. -Um, I didn't...

I was thinking I could show you a few moves.

Yeah? Nothing heavy, just spar a bit,

then, you know, go for a drink, or whatever.

Unless I've knocked you clean out, of course!

(CHUCKLES) Well, um... sounds good,

although I should warn you -I do study kickboxing. -Aah, nah.

Got into it after Karen died, as a way to process the grief, you know.

But ended up getting really into it,

and, strangely, quite high up the belt ladder.

So, just to let you know what you'll -be dealing with. -Aah.

If you step into my dojo, so to speak. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, Karen was the real fighter, of course.

I mean, she fought tooth and nail, especially towards the end.

That was Karen - she... Ow!

Fuck!

Didn't block that, did you! Right, yeah. What was...

Nipple cripple. Right.

Yeah. What... Got to raise your game!

What's the matter with you? Scissor block!

Crotch block! Too hard?

Want to do me?

Yo, Phil!

How are you, man? Clear skies today? No turbulence?

I can't even see you up there, man.

Just wanted to know if Wendy's coming along later?

Wendy? Is she coming? (WENDY MOUTHS NO)

Nah. Wendy's at a, at a funeral.

Oh! No. Hope she's OK. Yeah, sad times, man.

Why don't we postpone? What? No, no, no, no.

We don't need to postpone. Wendy's booked up with a bag of funerals.

You know one of those families that's just always dying. (CHUCKLES)

Fine. OK, well, maybe we'll leave it.

No! No, no, no. Don't be silly, man.

Look, do you know what? Phil, I'll get Wendy there.

Yeah! Fuck it. Person's already dead, innit.

(CHUCKLES) Alright, son!

Byeee!

I don't want him to get the wrong idea.

It'll be awkward if I see him again.

Why?

Phil's into weird shit, innit? No. I wish.

It was just very ordinary.

He's got tight hamstrings and had to stretch halfway through.

We didn't even finish because he had to be up early.

Ugh. His hands aren't even that big.

Fine, just, look. Please!

Please?(GRUMBLES) We're supposed to be partners!

Partners, fam!

Fine, but only because you are begging me!

(LAUGHS) Listen, brother, I am not begging you.

Begging me! No I'm not!

Beg, beg, beg, beg, beg, beg... I am not begging. (LAUGHS) Dickhead.

Begging. Bad man don't beg.

You ain't finished! There's bare blood here, blud.

(SIREN WAILS) RADIO: '448 Hotel Uniform,

you've got 70s female, infected leg wound.'

So we've wrapped the ankle

from here to here. Keeping up so far?

Don't be scared to ask questions.

I do have a question, actually, Gary.

Why the fuck is this taking so long?

STAMMERS: Right, well, here come the fireworks.

I make a pleat with my thumb

then I like to tie it off in a little fish tail.

It's sort of my signature.

The nurses at A spot it a mile off.

'That's a Gary, that is!' (LAUGHS)

Oh! Let's see what you've learned.

Would've been quicker to amputate it.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

Are you alright? Your ears are sweating.

I've never seen that before. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Just... Aah! It's an allergic reaction to the turtleneck.

OK, Mr Stress Stress, you need to believe in yourself.

Repeat after me. I believe I can fly.

I'm not saying that. Because you're scared of failing.

No, cos R. Kelly's a sex offender.

Just say it! I believe I can fly.

I believe I can fly. I believe I can fly.

This is so stupid. Go on, it's not stupid.

I believe I can fly! I can't hear you!

I believe I can fly! SHOUTS: I believe I can fly!

I believe I can fly! Word of warning.

Don't sing that song up here. It's problematic.

Oi oi, Lozenge!

What are the chances?

Uh, well, it's A So, pretty high.

(CHUCKLES SLIGHTLY)

Really sorry about earlier, with the um...

Yeah. The... yeah.

It's OK. Just, um, don't try it again, or...

I'll have to take you down. (LAUGHS)

(HE CHUCKLES)

Kickboxing, yeah? That's right.

What belt did you say you're on? Pink! Pink.

(CHUCKLES)

Go on then. Go on then what?

Show us some moves. What, here?

Yeah!

Umm...

Alright. Oh!

Er, right.

(WHACKING / THUDDING)

(SIGHS)

That it?

Cocky! Think you can match it?

Nah, not my style, mate. More of a classic grappler.

Buy you a pint? Yeah? OK. Line up.

Here you are. OK.

You ready?

Aaah! (THUDDING) (SUPPRESSED SCREAM)

(RADIO GIVES ALERT) Shit. You alright?

Receiving, give me a minute. No, no, I'm fine.

It's just... just a... (WINCING) Gra-aaaze!

Just, um, your head's bleeding.

That's old blood. Erm...

We're in A

You're... you fell really hard.

Are you sure? Yeah! Fine!

Jog on, you melt! Right.

RADIO: 421-Zoo bike, please confirm. -Great. -En route. ETA 2 minutes.

Later, Lozzers. You owe me a pint!

(ENGINE REVS)

OK.

Blunt trauma to the back of the skull, high chance of concussion.

Losing consciousness, 3, 2...

Good luck, lads.

Great night last night. Yeah!

A real one-off special night.

Philly! (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

You're up mad high! Woo!

Let me show you something. Just up here.

Yo, yo, yo. Do you know what? It's cool, you know, bruv.

We can chat about it over there in the middle. On the H.

Wow!

The people look like ants. Yeah, like insignificant grubs.

And, up here, you feel like a mighty eagle.

It's good job you're so humble, or it might go to your head.

Woo! Woo! I've never seen anything like it, bruv.

Maleek! You're not even looking.

(MOUTHS WORDS)

(MALEEK WHIMMPERS IN FEAR) Woo!

Ha! That is high!

That is high, bruv.

Got any questions about the gig, Maleek?

Hit me while I stretch the hammies. Yes.

Just get my notes. Gah! Sake.

I had 'em written down.

It's gone, it's gone. Um...

OK, what is it that made the air,

And... what is air? OK, no, cos I suppose...

(PANTING) Hoo! That wind!

If you flew the propeller, you'd have a theme song?

You alright, Maleek? Yes. Fine.

(ALARM SOUNDS) This is us. Let's go.

Where? Um...

(ATTEMPTS TO IMITATE RADIO CRACKLING)

It's an emergency? You want me to come downstairs?

(HELICOPTER CLATTERS) No. Emergency, emergency!

What you doing? I'm just going downstairs.

You have a dream! You're here now. You can do this!

No, no, no. It's too high! -It's too high! -Come on!

OK. Aaagh! Come on, Maleek.

Just... Come on, Maleek!

Come on, now! Let's eat sky!

Alright, alright! I can do it. Yes, yes!

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

Aah! I can't do this! I can't do it.

What you doing? Get back!

MUFFLED: Maleek!

(PANTING)

Um, I'll stay here, look after the stuff!

Oh, thank you God! Thank you God for keeping me on the ground.

(SIREN WAILS)

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

My gyal, what are you doing? Sorry Maleek!

I gave your locker to Kareshma.

Didn't know if you were coming back. Thought you were leaving us?

You can have my low down locker over there.

Yeah, that might help with the vertigo?(SNIGGERS)

...With the vertigo. Ah!

Oh! Should've called sick!

If it makes you feel any better, it wasn't that great up there.

Once the euphoria wears off.

Pfft. Look, I wouldn't want it anyway.

Yeah? Man's needed on these streets.

I'm a foot soldier. Working in the air...

Working in the air is hiding.

Is basically hiding. What we hiding for?

Anyway. Did you get with flyboy again?

No. I catfished him once and for all.

Me-oooow! (CHUCKLES)

-Glub glub! -You don't know what catfishing is, do you?

No. Grow up.

(ENGINE REVS)

Anthony, maybe you would like to be

a paramedic like Maleek when you're older.

It's got its own green paedo!

Who thinks we all should play Jenga? THROUGH CLOSED MOUTH: I do!

Well, you can look after Anthony.

You're in with the kid, you're in with the Mum.

What you doing? I think you really traumatised him.

(SCREAMING)

MUSIC: "Need Your Love" - Curtis Harding

♪ I feel so blue

♪ Without you, girl

♪ I need your love

♪ That's why I'm down

♪ You're not around now

♪ I need your love

♪ I want you to stay

♪ Don't go away now

♪ I need your love ♪

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