Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

WOMAN ON RADIO: '402, X-ray, Yankee. Unconscious male.

Been dragged from the river.'

Come on, mate, stay with me.

26, 27, 28,

29, 30.

No rhythm, keep going. Kevin, are you ready for the defib?

I'm locked and loaded. Not now, Maleek. OK?

Just let me know and I'll shock this brother!

17, 18... We're at three minutes, Kev.

Just let me bring my man back from the dead. We got this!

24, 25, 26 - (PATIENT GASPS)

OK, we got a pulse. Yes!

You see? You lot thought my man was gone.

You didn't know that me and my G would bring him back from the dead!

Kevin? Spud me, fam!

Ohh! (PATIENT GROANS)

Shit!

(PATIENT GROANS)

You all right, blud?

♪ SAMPA THE GREAT: Final Form

Jo! Jo!

I need to talk to you. Look, yeah?

So, I've been thinking.

Seeing as Kevin has gone on a sabbatical and what-not,

I just don't feel that anyone can replace what we had.

So, I think I'm gonna work alone from now.

-Yeah? -Maleek, I understand you're hurt that Kevin left,

after you hospitalised him.

No. He didn't leave cos of that. He gave me bare other reasons.

Yeah, your personality, your attitude? No?

No, it wasn't none of that. He's having a mid-life crisis.

He's gone to Thailand to find himself

until he can come back -to the warzone. -OK.

OK. So you plan to work in an ambulance...on your own?

-Yeah. -How are you going to carry a stretcher?

Oh, babes, the guns. Ah.

Right. When you're in the back with a patient...

All right, I'm in the back. Yeah, yeah.

Don't close your eyes. ..who's driving, Maleek?

Oh, OK. Yeah?

Yeah, that's... All right, watch your foot.

Imagine...

Are you still there with me, mate?

Er... All right, yeah.

He got it. Let me make this easy for you, Maleek.

I have found you a new partner.

-Ugh. -She's just moved to the area, so be nice to her.

Of course. I got you.

You want me to put this youth to the test,

see if they're with the gang.

See if they're ride or die, I get it. Who else? Who else?

Let's just start with not frying her. Eh?

Baby steps.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

451, Papa, Kilo.

Papa, Kilo. Papa, Kilo. 451.

-'Ey up! -Fucking hell! What you doing, creeping up on me?

Oh, sorry. What you doing?

Who are you? I'm Wendy. Your new partner.

You must be Maleek.

Look, no, first of all, my is Maleek!

Sorry, did I pronounce it wrong? Yes. You gotta say it with bass.

(DEEP VOICE) Maleek. Wha...

Put some respect in my name, especially if you're my new apprentice.

Well, I'm your new partner. Hah! I'll be the judge of that.

Years I rode with Kevin, -he never ambushed me. -Kevin?

Was that the poor lad you electrocuted?

I defibbed him! It's different!

Where you from, anyway? Emmerdale? Close. Nottingham.

Nottima... What? Nottimam.

Nottinham. Nott...

Ah! I see why Jo put you under my watch.

Listen, you are a long way from Brookside now, you know.

Close your eyes and hold out your hands.

No. Why the hell would I do that?

I've baked you a cake, partner.

Sorry it's a bit rubbery.

I've just moved into my new flat and there's no oven,

so I had to improvise with the microwave.

Do you think that this is some bait coffee kind of morning?

You need to be more like Kevin.

He didn't come in here on his first day begging it

with some dead-out Mary Berry ting.

All right, I'll just chuck it away. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Chill. I didn't say that, did I? I didn't say that.

Put the cake over there. Put it there.

ON RADIO: 'Emergency ambulance. Is the patient breathing?

He's struggling to breathe. I don't know how much he -

451, Papa Kilo. Proceed to Byron Estate.

Known drug addict with arm injury. Sounds rank.'

FUCK...ing hell!

Look at the state of you.

What did you want to take all that crack for, you silly Billy?

Cos he's a crackhead. He might have other interests.

What are you into, ducks? Well, yeah, just mostly crack.

I've never done it myself. Probably for the best, really.

I get easily addicted to things.

Right now, I'm into upcycling. Have you ever tried it?

No.

I mean - Ow! I guess I did turn that Coke can into a crack pipe?

Yeah, that's the basic idea.

Keeps till, I'm gluing it. I can play the harmonica.

A musician! See? Everyone's got a talent.

Some of the best records were made by druggies, weren't they?

Yeah, but then I had to sell it. Oh, no, what for?

-Crack! -Well, it's never too late to start again.

You can get a harmonica from a charity shop for, like, about £10.

I'd give it a wash first, though.

I've blown worse.

Ha ha! Argh! Argh! Aargh! What?

Ow! Ow! Sake! This is your fault, man.

Running out your mouth, trying to start a jazz band in a crack den!

(FUNKY MUSIC)

All right, Lawrence? You wanger!

-Hey, Jill. -Done something different with your barnet? Looks decent.

Ah. Er, yeah, it's erm... Something I call helmet hair.

Ohh! Thank you very much.

It's all right. Chill out.

Good weekend? What did you get up to?

I just went to the pub.

Wahey! That's right.

Lads, lads, lads! -Ooh, shots! -Nice.

Yeah. Actually... Actually on my own.

I had a pint on my own. On your own?

Mm. Mate!

Next time give me a shout. I'll show you how to down a pint.

Yeah.

You'd drink me under the table. Yeah, lightweight!

Yeah. Or just do beer and a burger, cinema, whatever...

Anyway, you're the one, drinking on your own. Alky!

Ha. Yeah. It was Karen's birthday.

Would have been.

I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and...

Nice. Yeah.

Well, yeah, not nice, but er...

(MESSAGE ON RADIO) Quite nice.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Well, nice to meet you... John.

John?

Here you go. For the harmonica.

Oh. Thanks very much, Wendy.

Cheers. Are you mad?

-What? -Did I just hallucinate? Did you give him money?

-Yeah? -What do you think he is going to do with it?

He's gonna get a harmonica.

I trust him.

Maybe up north, it's cool to do all that,

be all Mary Poppins with the pagans.

But this is big LDN. You need to have your guard up!

People round here are dangerous, man.

Yo, Maleekster!

Er...

Hey, fella. Good to see you. You must be his new partner.

I'm Wendy. Darryl.

Darrell.

Doesn't that ever get confusing?

Oh, my God. Er, people do get us mixed up.

Cos they're so similar.

Best way to remember, I'm the one -with the beard. -And I wear a hat.

I'm just not wearing it now.

Right. Well, I'm having some drinks when we knock off if you're around.

-Yeah, sounds great. -I'll stick you on the WhatsApp group.

Maleek, you never said there was a WhatsApp group.

Look, if there was a WhatsApp group with all the paramedics on it,

I'd know about it. I'd probably be admin.

Now, can we go? Aw, bye, guys.

Bye, Maleek! Fuck your mum!

He's always in a rush. He's such a busy guy.

RADIO: '451, Papa, Kilo. We have a Cat 1 on the Tremdor Estate.

'40s male. Head Injury.'

Yes. Tremdor! That's what I'm talking about.

Finally show you, rookie, what the battlefield looks like.

Let's go! Yeah, boi!

Blud! What you doing? When did this nonsense start?

Oh, sorry. I'm just so excited.

You don't jump on Black people's backs. Get in the car, man.

Sorry. It was just a bit of fun. What the hell.

Is this what they do in Dorset? Nottingham, actually.

You just jump on people's backs, willy-willy...willy-nilly?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

I think a better use of me

is helping people with a good 30 to 40 years left.

But some of these older guys,

it actually feels cruel to keep topping them up.

OK, Kareshma, so you want to move on from OAP transport?

Er...where do you see yourself in six months?

In your seat.

Well, that's mental. You realise I'm planning to still be doing this then?

You seem stressed, Jo? What?

Is the pressure getting to you?

Kareshma, you are very keen, which is normally good.

But I don't like you, and I've no paramedic slots.

So, till someone leaves, you're on the bunion bus.

(SIREN BLARES)

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES) Can you put that on silent? It's proper jarring.

It's the WhatsApp group. They weren't making it up.

Obviously, yeah. I just choose not to get involved in those things.

I like to keep a distance between my work and social life.

So, you're not going to the paramedics brunch on Sunday?

The what? Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Not my style. Sounds bare Caucasian.

It's on the Paramedics Of Colour group.

How are you even on that?

Paramedics Of Colour. POC.

(SIREN BLARES)

You know what? To be honest, I'm so happy I get to do this with you.

I don't actually tell you enough.

I mean, I feel like you tell me heaps.

But I still want to hear it more.

What's funny, when you get out of the car, yeah?

I like to try and open it in unison.

Yeah. Have you been doing that?

Sometimes I try and blink at the -same time as you. -Go on, then.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Although I hate blinking cos it means I can't see you.

-Yeah. -Even for a tiny, split millisecond.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(SIREN BLARES)

Right, I'm going in. You stay in the car.

What? I have to come with you.

You just gave a crackhead £10. God knows what you'll do here!

This is next level. Warzone. Stay in the whip.

What...

RADIO: 'The patient is coughing blood.'On scene now.

'Patient is on the 16th floor. The lifts are out of order. Bad luck.'

You're joking.

What would Kevin do?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Ugh! Ahh!

Wendy to Maleek. Do you want back-up?

No! Stay where you are. Over

John!

Hello, love.

All right? You got one.

Yeah. It was £8.50 from Oxfam. I've got your change.

Aw! I knew you were a good egg.

Here. Well, go on, then, give us a tune.

Nah, nah. All right. Er...

(PLAYS REPETETIVE NOTES)

(CONTINUES PLAYING REPETETIVE NOTES)

(PLAYES REPETETIVE LOWER NOTES)

All right! All right!

Save some for Britain's Got Talent. All right.

(BREATHING HARD)

RADIO: '451, Papa, Kilo. Patient has stopped breathing. Over.'

Yeah! Me too!

'Patient has turned blue.' I'm on my way! I'm on my way!

Oh, my God. You need to get here now.

His eyes have gone into the back of his brain.

'Caller reports eyes have rolled back.'

I'm coming! Don't die!

Don't die! Don't die!

Has he got there? Look at him, running up the stairs!

Oi!

Wendy to Maleek.

(YOUTHS LAUGHING)

'Yeah, it's a hoax. I've got the naughty nuggets down here.'

Argh!

Urgh!

You know that's a crime? Someone could have died.

The only person that could have died is Fatty-Bum-Bum over there.

(LAUGHS) Yeah?

Fat-Bum-Bum? Fatty-Bum-Bum, yeah? You lot need to make sure -

Bruv! Breathing up in my face like that.

You proper have a dry mouth.

I've got a dry mouth cos I was upstairs lipsing your Mum's tongue.

Doubt it. His mum don't like butter's broke.

-Fat guys with diabetes. -You need to start showing us respect.

I know you was out there, clapping for us, all them Thursdays.

Na, nah, nah. That weren't clapping, G.

That was my balls banging your mum, bruvver.

They're ever so cheeky, aren't they?

I'm gonna fuck them up. Is this your new partner?

Yeah. Has he electrocuted you yet?

I defibbed Kevin.

I defibbed Kevin! Why is everyone making up rumours?

This is bait, man. Let's get out of here, man.

The only thing bait...

The only thing bait is how your mum claims disability

and she's dumping on the next willy!

Running to the next... That was a good one.

It was shit, man. Let's go.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(SIREN BLARES)

Shift up, ballbag! Oh, hi. (CHUCKLES)

All right, Jo?

What flavour's your soup? Cream of knobhead?

Erm, leek and wank stain. Oh.

Look at you with -your dickhead noodle soup. -Ha ha!

(LAUGHS) Ox...

Er...can't think of one.

Go on. -I can't. -Go on.

-No?No. -No? Cock-a-leekie. (MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

That is a soup. Yeah, it is.

(CLEARS THROAT) I see the WhatsApp group's been pinging all day.

Yeah.

Another welcome drinks? Yeah. Yawn!

I guess you can't go either. Thursday drum lesson.

How did you know I play the drums?

You told me, or something. I dunno. Oh.

Well, it's been cancelled anyway, so I'll probably pop along.

Beats being on your own. Yeah, me too.

I thought you weren't going.

Are you following me, or... Er, I just said I was going.

Are you deaf as well as thick? You knob?

Sorry. Are you all right? Are you all right?(COUGHS)

(COUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, you'll never guess who I saw just now with a harmonica?

The crackhead? You're gassing. I'm not. He even brought my change.

£1.50. I told you he could be trusted.

Have you still got that £1.50?

We're gonna need it.

Oh, John.

Oi! Where's all our gear, -you little prick? -It's gone. Gone!

You know what, Crackhead John? I'm not angry, just disappointed.

Listen, if you don't get back our gear,

you're going to be going somewhere where there's no crack.

The morgue. What?

We're not killing him! What's wrong with you? I meant prison.

There's loads of crack in prison. Just get us our gear!

All right, I'm sorry. I messed up. I'll get your things back.

Just give me a tenner for a cab and I'll go there now.

Sorry, I've got nothing smaller than a 20.

Are you doing a kick-starter for crackheads? Move.

RADIO: 'All units. Major RTC. Multiple casualties.

Instructions on arrival.' Fuck!

(RADIO BLEEPS) 451, Papa, Kilo.

Did you mean, all...all units? (RADIO BLEEPS)

Like... Like, I've got... I've got this.

Is that it?

Well, I could give you some crack.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(SIREN BLARES)

Two years. Two years, riding with Kevin, and nothing like this.

One day with Geordie Shore and I've had the worst shift of my life.

I'm not taking all the blame for this.

We should have just owned up.

-Mistakes happen. -My team don't make miskakes! Mikstakes... Mis...

Bruv, just shut up, man!

(SIREN BLARES)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Ready? Now.

Gary, Jez, over by the Range!

Lawrence the Frontera!

Maleek and Wen - They're not here yet.

Kareshma, why are you here?

I heard the call. I thought you might need an extra hand.

There's a pensioner in your van, Kareshma.

Take him where he's supposed to go.

OK. But you're freaking out a bit. GO!

Darryl! A couple of casualties under the bridge!

Darryl's on the case, Jo!

(SIREN BLARES)

What are we going to do now? We've got nothing to treat people.

We? We ain't doing nothing. We are done.

You go your way, I'll go mine.

Fine!

Fuck, man.

All right, mingebag?

I just lost him.

-Oh. -I didn't see it coming. I thought he was in the clear.

Ugh! Poor bugger.

Have you got lipstick on?

As if.

Poor bloke. Can't have been out of his 20s.

I lost Karen in her 20s.

It's not a life lived.

That is shit, Loz.

That is shit.

Yeah.

Still going to the drinks later, Loz, or...

(SOBS)

Yeah, fair play, Loz. Not sure I'm up for it now either myself.

Er...

look after your mental health.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(SIREN BLARES)

Someone must have whiplash, blud.

(MAN GROANS IN PAIN) Oh, shit!

Yo! I need a resus ASAP!

Kevin! Is that you? Hey.

What do you mean, "Hey"? Wagwan?

Why didn't you holler at me, bruv? I thought you were in Thailand.

That didn't work out.

You forgot your passport on the way to the airport again, you dickhead.

Can we talk about this another time? Another time?

Big man, look, now that you're back, we can reunite.

They've got me with some mad woman from Northwich, bruv. Come on.

-Get the gang back together. -I'm in the middle of something here.

Why are you showing off, man? It's me.

Don't leave me hanging, blud. It's me!

Look, just fuck off!

What the hell?

Ready for fluids? Yeah. Ready.

Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean that.

Look, Maleek, there was no Thailand.

OK? I just needed to get away from this.

You know, having a heart-to-heart in the middle of a pile-up.

I needed a break from you.

Who's Hugh? No, you! Bloody hell!

You're the worst partner I've ever had.

You nearly killed me.

I need another bag. Right, I'm on it.

Yeah, go and get your bag.

Dickhead. You've got shit trousers.

That guy's a clown. He doesn't deserve you.

If you need a shoulder to cry on, we've got four.

Man! What you talking about? I'm not crying.

Daryl, Darrell, need you by the Smart car. What are you crying for?

I'm not... Oh, my God, I'm not crying. It's just...

Look, it's a condition. It's called "ibalodenum".

Are you wearing lipstick? No! Where is Wendy?

I told you to look after her.

Where's your gear?

Well, the thing is, the gear...

The gear was in the... Whoo!

Where's Wendy again?

Oh, it's hot in that car, in that...

in a de car crash. In a de...

The gear... Maleek?

The gear is...

Right here, boss! Sorry to keep you waiting, Maleek.

Still finding my way around. Yeah, see? It's here.

The gear is fine. The gear is fine. Can we...

Can we... There's a whole emergency. Can you stop wasting my time?

Jesus.

(SWEET SOUL MUSIC)

Where did you get all this stuff?

Did you see anyone hanging around near our van?

I've been completely cleared out.

Oh, no, sorry. You get a lot of crackheads round here.

Unlucky, bruv.

Nice one, Wendy.

With some bass, please.

Nothing to see here.

Hoo-hoo!

Go! Go! Go!

I'm not looking for my next husband.

Just someone to fulfil my sexual needs.(RETCHES)

You think I fancy Lawrence? Eurgh.

Ow! I could find you a partner.

Um... I could.

You could... I could.

You could... Yeah, I could be your partner.

I'm trying to dance and I don't know

if you want to dance with me anymore.

Jesus!

Are you even from Emmerdale? You'll end up doing something stupid like I did.

What did you do?

♪ CURTIS HARDING: On And On

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