Original subtitles

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Last time on Dream On.

No, no, no, I didn't order that.

It's from the lady on the other side of the bar.

[MUSIC]

What the old boy, how about that?

I really needed to do something different tonight.

Something not me, you know what I mean?

What language is that?

This was really nice.

Maybe you should do something different more often.

Mm-hmm.

The touch of a woman's hand can mean a great deal.

Oh, Martin, make it wonderful.

Take me away.

Okey-doke.

[MUSIC]

I had a wonderful evening.

Look, look, I'm back to sleep.

Everything you were looking for in a leader, he cares about all the guys.

Dan McGinn.

Dan McGinn for the United States Senate.

He's what the country deserves.

I had no idea how far you people are going to get votes these days.

Oh, so you know.

How could you not tell me?

Well, I'm sorry.

I just don't go out with Merridwin.

Goodbye, son.

[MUSIC]

There's some members of the press here to see you.

Mr. Tupper!

Mr. Tupper, right here!

And I'm not about to let some Martin Tupper

destroy what we've built over the last 19 years.

Did you or did you not have sex with Mrs. McKedd?

Let's keep sex out of it.

73 women who claim to have had sexual relations with Martin Tupper.

73?

I'm sure I slept with him.

Oh, my God.

I loved Martin Tupper.

This is your baby, Marty!

You can't count on the press to tell you a side of the story.

What am I supposed to do?

I'll tell you what.

Come on my show.

[MUSIC]

So, Mr. Tupper, what did you do when you found out she was married?

Well, I broke it off right away.

I don't believe in dating married women.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm speechless with gratitude.

Well, all I have to say is, if you ever

decide to date a married woman again,

you just give me a call.

If you just tuned in, we're talking to victim of the press, Martin Tupper.

Now, Mr. Tupper, have you spoken to Mrs. McKeddon since the incident?

No.

And that's fine with me.

I mean, this woman has lied about me in the press,

and she's made my life a living hell.

And I just want to put her and this whole thing behind me.

When you took her home to your apartment, what were your intentions?

Was this just some sort of one-night thing?

No.

No, of course not.

I was hoping it would grow into something much more.

And believe me, I am not in the habit of having one-night stands.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, come on now.

Excuse me?

Not even say with the stewardess during Labor Day weekend?

I thought you were my friend.

Well, I suppose we're all capable of one regrettable indiscretion,

whether it's with a stewardess or perhaps

the daughter of an important networker.

I see your point.

Let me throw this at you.

Let's say you're at a book convention,

and you have sex with two women in a 24-hour period.

Now, would you consider that one one-night stand or two?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

It's getting a little dirty.

Huh.

That's a difficult one to answer.

But I guess I'd have to put it in the same category.

You had sex with triplets.

An interesting hypothetical.

And we'll be right back after this word.

[APPLAUSE]

And we're out.

You're insane.

What's the matter with you?

I'm sorry. You were lying. I got a little carried away.

The stewardess, huh?

You had to mention the stewardess.

Oh, please.

And if that important network executive was watching,

I'll be hosting the Home Shopping Club.

Oh, I'm sorry if I put you in a difficult position.

Four, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, I'm sorry if I put you in a difficult position.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Two, three.

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, we're back with Martin Tupper, male bimbo.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You two, Putin.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, I just wish this whole thing had never happened.

And I regret any pain I may have caused my husband.

Hello.

Hello.

No, don't worry about me.

I just go back to the issues of this campaign.

This Martin Tupper seems completely unwilling

to let us forget this wretched chapter in our lives.

Bullshit!

That continues to capitalize on it for his own personal gain.

What gain?

Do you see any gain here?

I don't see any gain where.

Where's the gain?

Martin, get a grip.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to the school.

I've got a little league team to coach.

Don't forget to vote.

Yo.

Okay.

I'm going to have to talk to the guy.

Talk to him?

And say what?

I don't know.

I'll-- I'll just say-- I'm sorry.

I'll just wing it.

You know, I've just got to set the record straight here.

Martin, you slept with the man's wife.

I don't think that he's interested in bonding with you right now.

In my professional opinion, he's probably more inclined

to hit you in the face with a shovel.

Maybe you're right.

Don't we even get a hello?

Jeremy, what happened to your face?

Hey, Scott, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I just got into a little fight at school, okay?

Jeremy, you know your mother and I do not approve of fighting.

Now, what happened?

This ninth grader called you a dumb slut.

I'll kill him.

Who is he?

Come on, come on, give me his name.

Give me his name.

Martin, come on, Jeremy.

Let's put some ice on you.

You got to do something.

So what I'm trying to say is I never meant to harm you

or your campaign, and I want you to know I feel just terrible

about what's happened, and you've got to believe me.

I want this whole thing to be over just as much as you do.

So anyway, that's how I feel, and I appreciate you taking the time

to sort this whole mess out.

Thank you.

I am Willan if you are.

All right, Ben, I'm Willan also.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You screw my wife, and then you have the balls to come in here

and tell me how you feel.

You think I give a rat's tit how you feel?

Well, I don't think he likes me.

I ought to reach it on your throat and tear out your asshole

and wear it as a pinky ring, but I'm not going to do that.

You know why?

Because you already have a pinky ring?

No.

Because you're the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't get it. Me neither.

Pineapple Trump?

No. No, thank you.

I love these little guys.

I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.

Martin, before we met, people said I was a coalfish.

Not a single warm, fuzzy human emotion people could relate to.

Now I'm one of the most human guys I know.

Men commiserate with me, women comfort me, I'm up 17 points in the poll.

But this whole media circus, you said you wanted to get back to the issues.

So did.

I'd rather be the guy that wants to get back to the issues

than the guy that actually does get back to them.

I might have known it.

He used me.

He used me.

Where is he?

But I slept with your wife.

I know you did.

And if you're planning on doing it again, please wait until after November.

You fuck her once, I look like a figure of compassion.

You fuck her twice, I look like a schmuck.

Martin, don't you want one of these?

They're not in syrup.

What the fuck are you talking about?

They're in their own juice.

You know, I'm really not hungry now.

Thank you.

(phone buzzes)

(woman on phone)

(woman on phone)

(woman on phone)

(woman on phone)

(woman on phone)

Well, it's been nice talking with you

and, uh, Martin, thanks for stopping by.

I'm sorry if you're having a hard time right now.

But hey, you did get to bang my wife.

Don't forget to vote.

Where the fuck is the handicap meeting?

(door closes)

Psst.

Hi.

(phone rings)

Hi, how are you?

How am I?

How am I?

Shh!

How the fuck do you think I am?

Well, my money would be on angry.

Good bet.

I mean, Jesus Christ, we slept together once.

You've been screwing me ever since.

Hey, do you think I'm enjoying this?

Do you think I'm having fun ruining your life?

You're certainly good at it.

Look, I'm sorry for all those things I've been saying to the reporters.

Oh, well, here's a novel idea.

Why don't you stop saying them?

Why don't you start telling the truth?

I can't.

It's just...it's...it's Dan.

He... He what?

I just can't.

Maybe you can't, but I can.

Now, look, he told me some stuff in there.

Now, when I go to the press... What? What are you gonna tell them?

That he's thrilled this whole thing happened,

that he wouldn't even mind if you and I slept together again.

Hmm. Well, actually, I wouldn't mind that either.

Sandra?

Martin, he wants you to go to the press.

What?

Well, that way you keep this whole thing alive.

He'll deny everything. Nobody will believe you.

And that way you'll wind up looking like an adulterer and a liar.

So basically, you're telling me that...that I'm fucked.

We both are.

Dan always wins.

You're a lucky fellow, Mr. Smith.

Do you know just how highly you raise me?

Martin Tupper represents everything that's wrong with this country.

A selfishness, a complete disregard for one's fellow man.

When you vote in the primary next Tuesday, you're not voting for me.

You're sending a message out to all the Martin Tuppers out there.

This is our country, and we're taking it back.

Yes!

Oh, I'm sorry. I got caught up.

He's a very good speaker.

(

Applause )

Five, four, three, two, one!

(

Chanting )

Man, you've really got a family tree.

With Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and me,

You're lucky to have ancestors like that.

Don't you know you were born with a feather in your hat?

Look, the primary is in six days, okay?

If I can just hang on till then, I'm... Oh, my God.

You're very good, church. I thought I'm an extra-lush for sure.

Oh, I gotta get one.

What?

Your return.

To be able to live as you do You're a lucky fellow, Mr. Smith.

You're a very, very wealthy gentleman.

I don't care if you haven't a sense.

You've got your American way And brothers that ain't changed.

I think things are starting to die down.

You know, I mean, nobody stopped me on the street today.

There's nothing in the papers.

Hey!

Two screwdrivers, a Rob Roy and a Martin Tupper.

So, you were saying?

You're speech is free!

And you've got your health.

Sure, we've got our health.

And tell me why not.

Take a look at the great constitution we've got.

What do you want to watch, then?

I don't care. Anything but CNN.

This man has all the oratory skills of Billy Bibbitt.

Yeah.

Hey, what do you think about this Senate ethics committee, huh?

Senate. Ethics.

Putting senators in charge of ethics.

It's like going out of town and asking

Martin Tupper to keep an eye on your wife.

What a funny.

It's just a joke, Dad.

I think it's past somebody's bedtime.

You're blushing red, white and blue, but buddy, that's all right, too.

Because those colors look good on you.

You're a lucky bellow, Mr. Smith.

Hello.

Yeah, hang on. It's Dan McKadden.

Some poor suckers could choose. They'd love to be in your shoes.

They're proves that you're good. Fortune's no mere.

You're a lucky bellow, Mr. Smith.

Ever been to Hawaii, Martin?

No.

White, Sandy beaches, drinks with little umbrellas.

Pineapple chunks?

Best in the world.

Tell me about France, you know, because I haven't been there either.

All right, Martin, I know you had enough of this little scandal, and quite

frankly, so have I.

Oh, really? Is the press camped out in front of your door day and night?

Huh?

Is your sex life the subject of a pie chart in the USA today?

You see, that's just the problem.

You're getting more coverage than I am.

I see.

Now, here are two first-class tickets to Maui.

Hotel room, ocean view, rental car. Even got you the convertible.

So that's... I've served my purpose, and

I think you can just ship me off to some

tropical paradise.

That's the basic idea.

I'm holding a press conference this afternoon. I'm gonna Bury this thing.

Do us both a favor.

Get out of town.

No.

Forget it. I'm not gonna take anything

from you, because I don't like you, Dan.

I think you're a disgusting, vile, pernicious piece of shit.

Granted. But that's not the issue here.

Do you want to spend next week with the press up your ass?

Or would you rather be working on your tan?

Say no, Tim.

It's just tough. It's right here. It's right here.

Tell him he know. Tell him he know.

Attaboy.

Hang on. The girl's got your itinerary.

Oh.

I believe you two know each other.

Hello, Martin.

Hello, Sandra.

You're still very beautiful.

You wanted to see me?

What's this?

It's fashionable magazine.

Yes, it is. Now, why did you turn to page 37? Tell me what you see.

Recipes of the candidates' wives. You told me to do this.

Yes, I did. But I did not tell you to give

them your grandmother's goulash recipe.

Do you think I want people to know you're Hungarian?

I don't see why you should say that.

Do you ever think? Is that brain of yours good for anything besides holding

up your hair?

I think I should go.

Oh, hold on, Martin. It's all right. We're done.

I'll see you at the press conference. When are you gonna get dressed?

Well, I thought, um... I thought I wore this.

Green?

You're gonna stand next to me at a press conference wearing green?

Do you want those jaundice rumors to start again?

I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

It was just such a bright, sunny day that I...

You look like a house in that. You put shutters in a door on that and give

you an address.

I think she looks great.

Shut up, Martin.

He yelled at me.

I want you to go home and put all that blue and green one.

Pleats are slimming.

Congressman, the women's rights people are here.

Tom, boys. How do I look?

Thanks.

All right, Martin. Be sure you see the girl on the way out, huh? Aloha.

You know, you really do look great.

Look, it's really not my place to ask,

but... What are you doing with that prick?

I don't know. I'm married to him.

He treats you like shit.

Oh, that was nothing. Believe me.

What? Does he hit you?

Not in an election year.

Oh, Jesus, Sandra. Get out, will you?

Just get out. I mean, you don't need this.

Believe me, it's not that easy.

That's what I was kind of trying to do with you.

And we all saw how well that turned out.

Do you love him?

No. No.

But this is me. This is my life. What else would I do?

Sandra, look, just get out. Will you? I mean, you don't need this.

I want to. I do.

But Dan would just... I wouldn't even know what I'm doing.

Have a nice trip.

I wish I could help. Ken, if you have any guts.

And I feel that if I am able to forgive my wife,

and to put this painful time behind me, then the people of the state should

be able to as well.

It's time to get back to the basic family

values that I have stood for my whole life.

And it's time to get back to the issues of this campaign.

I agree.

Mr. Tupper, I'm glad you're here.

Gives me an opportunity to extend my hand in friendship to you as well.

Call security.

I thank you, Dan. And I just wanted you to know that... Excuse me, Phil.

That even after all that's happened, you can count on my vote Tuesday.

Because the Senate needs more men like Dan McCadden.

It's very gracious of you, Mr. Tupper.

Now, if there are no more questions...

And you know, Dan, I hardly agree. It's time we put this whole unfortunate

business to rest.

How true. So we're going to move on now.

There's one night of foolish passion. But that's all for God.

- Exactly. - Dad, don't. I have no idea.

There have been so many rumors and accusations. I think we ought to set the

record straight.

I think the record's pretty damn straight

as it is. Come on now, Dan, Sondra.

I think it's time we told the truth about that night.

It was a threesome.

Threesome?

It's a political term.

- Oh, you are good. - And what a night it was.

It's clearly in safe security.

Of course, Dan mostly watched.

There's nobody's talking about it. It's like Sandra. Tell them.

Go on, Kara. Do it.

Well, darling, we had done so many drugs.

- Drugs? - Drugs?

I tell you, she's one in a million.

Perhaps you don't remember. But let me tell you, it was so nice.

And, you know, the important thing is we have to put that all behind us now

and just get back to the issues, right?

Right?

And with only a fraction of the votes counted,

the Piers former Game Show host Kurt Carpenter has taken the primary with a

strong 67% of the vote.

Lieutenant Governor Dorothy Rutkin plays second with 23%,

and Congressman Dan McCadden, only a week ago, was leading in the polls,

came in a distant third with just 6%.

- Morning, cinema. - People always get what they deserve.

No, no, no, no, I didn't know any of that.

It's from the lady.

Hi.

Hi.

- So, did you vote? - Yeah.

Yeah, I went with the Game Show host, you know. He's tough on crime.

I tried to call you.

No, I've been upstate visiting my mom.

I've had quite a lot of explaining to do.

Yeah, I'll bet. So, how have you been?

- Life without Dan is... - Different.

Scary.

It's good.

I got an offer to do a jeans commercial and

some people want me to host a cable show

and there's that centerfold thing, but I don't think I'm gonna do it.

But still, I think I'm gonna be okay.

Listen,

you think you can find time in your busy schedule to take a few days off?

Why?

Have you ever been to Hawaii?

You're blushing red, white and blue, but buddy, that's all right too,

because those colors look good on you.

You're a lucky bellow, Mr. Smith.

You're a lucky bellow, and the suckers could choose.

They would love to be in your little shoesies.

That proves that you're good fortune's no myth.

You're a lucky bellow, Mr. Smith.

Star of the hit Broadway show, the producers Nathan Lane is tonight's

special guest on The Late Show.

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♪♪♪

(snoring)

(rooster crowing)

(rooster crowing)

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