Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward, let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat, promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

[Music playing]

Welcome aboard.

They're here!

They're here!

Oh, she's so cute.

Hi.

Come here, baby.

Come here.

[Grunting]

Come on, Shirley.

Vicki: Hi, Shirley.

Welcome aboard.

Shake hands?

Aw.

Didn't take you long to find a friend, did it, Shirley?

Well, unless there's someone else

on board with a seal named Shirley,

you must be Oscar tilton.

Oh, you're Julie McCoy.

Yes. Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Hey, Shirley, say hello to the young lady who

booked our act for this cruise.

[Grunting]

If she doesn't get paid on time, she sulks.

Like my agent.

Well, we've better get unpacked.

Come on, Shirley.

We'll see you later.

Haven't I seen them on television?

Yes, you have.

Miss--

Karen Hughes.

Ok.

Yes.

You're on the fiesta deck, cabin 136.

Isn't he adorable?

Julie: Oh, the seal's a she, miss Hughes.

Her name is Shirley.

I wasn't talking about her.

I was talking about him.

And I think that this could--

oh, no.

I'll see you later, gopher.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, I'm Hattie Williams.

And this is my grandson, Carl.

Let's see.

You are in adjoining cabins on aloha deck, cabins 130 and 132.

Is something wrong?

You don't get rowdy or mean, do you?

No, why?

Well, it's just that i'd have to be the one to stop you.

And I'd hate to be a failure.

Carl wouldn't hurt a fly.

Wasn't a fly I was thinking of.

How do you do?

Welcome aboard.

Hello.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Rogers.

Which way to promenade 340?

Go up the stairs and to your right.

Thank you.

Tell me, are there many single girls on this cruise?

We do get quite a few.

Good.

I may need your help.

I want to find one for my husband.

Harold, how about that one?

Harriet, stop it.

I'm not interested in any other women.

I am happy with you.

But you're not going to have me around much longer.

And I want to make sure you're well cared for after I'm gone.

You're not going anywhere.

I know your mother passed away at an early age, but--

yes, and so did her mother and her sister.

But that doesn't mean that you're going to pass away.

Yes, it does, Harold.

It's the curse of the [inaudible]..

The men live forever, and the women never make it to 45.

Harriet, only the other day the doctor

said that you were in perfect health.

What does a doctor know about curses?

Now, sit back and enjoy.

I've made a great selection for you.

All you have to do is pick one.

Wait, wait, wait.

There's a customer over here.

Tell 'em the bar's closed.

What's the matter with Isaac?

You know what I think?

What?

I think he's afraid of that big guy over there.

Well, if you have to be afraid of someone,

I guess he's a good choice.

[Grunting]

What's the matter, Shirley?

[Grunting]

Oh, i'm-- I'm sorry.

Sorry, I just wasn't watching.

How's that?

Any better?

[Grunting]

You should gargle.

Hi.

I'm Karen Hughes.

Oh, hi, Karen.

I'm-- I'm Oscar tilton.

That's Shirley.

Hi, Shirley.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I just thought you might like to talk to a human for a change.

[Grunting]

She was only kidding, Shirley.

She is very sensitive.

You think she knew what we were talking about?

Mm.

But that's impossible.

She's just an animal.

[Grunting]

She was only joking, honey.

Would you be a little careful with what you say?

You see, she's my bread and butter, and without her.

I don't have an act.

That's not true.

You're the real star.

[Grunting]

I've seen you on television--

Johnny Carson, merv Griffin, John Davidson.

You were marvelous.

Oh, thank you.

Of course, they only invite me because of Shirley.

But it's you they talk to.

And you're funny and bright and have the--

well, I'm only a school teacher.

And I don't know much about your business.

But despite what you say, I think you're great.

Well, thank you.

You're very, very sweet.

I've got to get her to the cabin.

Hey, listen, why don't you come to rehearsal later?

I'd love to.

Oh, wonderful.

[Grunting]

All right, all right.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

After you.

[Grunting]

Bye bye.

[Grunting]

That's your opinion.

Before I return your tray, are you moving

back in or just visiting?

I'm sorry about that.

Something urgent came up.

I think it's coming up again.

Bartender?

Yes, sir?

Could you bring a glass of orange juice to that table?

Got you covered.

I'll be right there.

Could you make that a pair?

My grandmother would like one, too.

Your grandmother?

Thanks.

Here.

It's time for my break.

Isaac, wait!

Isaac!

It's your turn.

How about her?

No.

Harold, you've got to be cooperative.

Now, I've picked out nine women so far,

and you've said no to all of them.

Harriet-- Harriet, i'm--

I'm not going to play this game with you.

But what's the matter?

Don't you like any of the ones I picked out?

Well, you know, they--

they are kind of--

you know, they're older.

Oh.

You want someone younger.

Sure.

Why fly tourist when I can go deluxe?

Well, you pick one out.

Her.

Her?

The young one with--

her.

[Laughs] You'll be dead before me.

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

A little slow.

[Grunting]

[Playing harmonica]

[Grunting]

What's wrong, Shirley?

Huh?

[Grunting]

Shirley, she is a guest.

[Grunting]

Well, big deal.

Will you please come--

oh, all right.

Hi, Karen.

Hi.

Is something wrong with Shirley?

I think maybe she's jealous.

And now, look, she's very possessive

and we really have to rehearse.

So if you wouldn't mind, you know--

oh, no.

Of course not.

I'm sorry, but [inaudible].

I understand.

Goodbye, Shirley.

She did that on purpose.

I'm terribly sorry.

I don't know what to say.

I-- listen, can I see you later after I put her to bed?

Of course.

I'll look forward to it.

[Inaudible].

Shirley, that was terribly rude.

What have you got to say for yourself?

[Grunting]

Oh, listen, you.

I think I'll run down and pick up the evening paper,

see what's going on in the world.

And as long as I'm down there, I might jog a couple of miles,

loosen up a little.

Might even make it five miles.

Got to keep in shape.

Well, I'll see you later.

Don't wait up for me.

[Grunting]

All right.

All right.

Now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the lord my soul to keep.

Go to sleep.

[Grunting]

Oh, yes, yes.

And bless Lloyd Bridges and flipper.

Now go to sleep.

Isaac.

Isaac, Isaac, Isaac.

Been friends a long time, right?

I'm not going to tell you.

Tell me what?

Why I've been acting so dumb.

Aw, I know you are afraid of that big guy.

I'm not afraid of him.

It's that little old lady with him.

Forget that you heard it from me.

The little old lady?

She's Mrs. Williams, my high school English teacher.

Oh, you're afraid of your English teacher?

Did you forget to turn in a composition?

You don't understand.

I just can't face her.

You were that bad, huh?

No, I was that good.

You're looking at Mrs. Williams's prize student.

You know, Isaac, it's amazing.

The more you talk, the less sense you make.

Gopher, I was voted most likely to succeed.

Some success, huh?

I guess I can make a better ramos

fizz than the other guys that are now doctors and lawyers.

But Mrs. Williams thought I was going to be a great journalist,

a nobel prize winner.

Ever try to write with a swizzle stick?

That's why you're hiding, huh?

I just can't let her see me as a bartender,

even if it is chief bartender.

Well, I think you're being awfully hard on yourself.

Isaac Washington?

Mrs. Williams, what a surprise.

Isaac, I didn't know you were working on this boat.

Isaac Washington was one of my best students.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

I'm burl Smith, the assistant purser.

- How nice to meet you. - How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

Tell me, Isaac, what you do on this ship?

Well, the fact is--

well, what doesn't he do, Mrs. Williams?

Isaac Washington here is the heart of the ship.

He's first officer, that far from being a captain.

I knew you would succeed.

Yeah, well, actually, that's all wrong.

Well, he's so modest.

Was he that way at school?

Oh, absolutely.

When he was elected president of the student body,

he asked for a recount.

Well, that's the way he is around here.

He is always concerned about everybody.

Tell me, Isaac, do you suppose I could see where you work?

I've never been on a big ship before,

and I'd love to watch what you do.

Well, what I really do is--

well, I don't see any problem with that, Mrs. Williams.

With first officer Washington's permission,

I could set it up tomorrow morning

between 10:30 and 11:00.

When the ship docks in puerto vallarta,

captain stubing will go ashore and leave

the ship in your hands.

Uh, right.

Wonderful.

I'll see you, then, in the morning, Isaac.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Now you're acting dumb.

Do you think I'm going to become the first officer

by tomorrow morning?

Why not?

We are equal opportunity employers.

Hi.

I'm sorry if i'm late, but I didn't

want Shirley to get suspicious.

I'm glad you're here.

You sure cater to Shirley.

Well, it's just that she's so jealous.

Last month, I hired this cleaning woman.

And well, Shirley saw us together, and she ran away.

No.

Yeah.

Just waddled out of the water and took off.

And she came back a week later, thank heavens.

Because without Shirley, I'm out of business.

Oh, that's not true.

You are very talented person.

And I don't ever want to hear you

putting yourself down again.

[Chuckles]

There she is, the next Mrs. Rodgers.

All right, Harold, you're on.

Harold--

what's the matter?

I feel like I'm sending you off to school.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

I'm Harold Rogers.

Um, Cindy sterling.

Anybody ever tell you you look like George Brent?

George who?

Brent.

The movie actor.

Maybe a little bit of Herbert Marshall.

Good evening.

Look over there.

He found a girl, that pretty blond.

Who did?

My husband.

Well, I'm sure it's just a temporary thing.

Bite your tongue.

Oh, I just love old movies.

I go all the time.

But basil rathbone--

I am so glad to see you two getting along like this.

You'll like him.

He's attractive, thoughtful, a good provider, and as a lover,

Burt Reynolds could take lessons from him.

Really?

You want references?

I can give them to you in writing.

Well, I think he's nice, too, but who are you?

I'm his wife.

Well, back to older women.

Hey, Shirley, wait up.

I never dreamed a TV star would see anything in me.

And I never dreamed anything like this

could happen to me, a guy who runs around

with a pocketful of fish.

All I ever attracted was pussycats.

I thought all i'd ever have was Shirley,

but now I have so much more.

[Splash]

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

Is Shirley here?

Here?

No, she's asleep.

No, I just followed her here.

I thought she-- oh, no!

Oh, my god!

Shirley-- she must have seen us.

She jumped overboard.

Shirley!

Shirley!

Shirley!

Gopher, if the captain ever finds us in here--

man, relax.

We'll have her out of here in five minutes.

Captain will never know.

He went ashore with Vicki.

Now, better put on one of the captain's hats.

Excuse me.

Oh, hi.

Am I late?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Mrs. Williams.

You come right in. - Yes.

Look official.

Isn't this impressive?

Just what are your duties, Isaac?

Mrs. Williams, what I really want you to know is--

that's all right, sir.

I'll fill her in.

You just resume your numerous responsibilities.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's just that, well, when first officer

Washington is on duty his total attention to the ship.

That's a good attitude.

Mm hm.

But to answer your question, Mr. Washington

is in charge of navigation, maritime procedures, engines,

crew, passengers, everything.

That doesn't leave much for the captain to do, does it?

Well, captain is just an honorary position.

They find some guy that looks good in a uniform.

Captain stubing is just for show, judging dance

contests and stuff like that.

Are you the captain?

Yes, ma'am.

I just finished judging a cha-cha contest.

You must be proud to have two such fine young man

sailing with you.

I can't tell you how proud.

Well, I can see you're very busy.

Thank you for showing me your ship, first officer Washington.

I'll walk you back to your cabin.

I'll help.

Gentlemen.

If it isn't in an imposition, I'd like to see both of you

in my office tonight right after we leave port.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'll try to look real good in my uniform.

The whole thing is crazy.

My wife is driving me nuts.

What am I going to do?

Well, why not just go along with her idea?

You mean really find another woman?

Yeah.

That way, she'll enjoy the cruise.

And you certainly will, too.

I don't want to be with anyone else.

But you won't be for long.

The odds are that when she finally actually sees

you're paying attention to some sexy, voluptuous woman,

she'll get jealous and snap back into her senses.

Maybe that'll do it.

What if she doesn't get jealous?

What if she approves?

Then you're stuck with a sexy, voluptuous woman.

[Knocking]

Come in.

I've lost her, Karen.

She's gone forever.

Stop blaming yourself.

It's not your fault.

I should never have let her find out about us.

She was so sensitive.

You'll got another seal.

Oh, not like Shirley.

No, it's over, my dreams, my career, my life.

Oscar.

All I have left now are memories, memories

and 300 pounds of anchovies.

Excuse me.

No, no, no, please don't go.

I want to apologize for me and my wife.

We're not a kinky couple, honest.

You're not?

It's just that she wants to find a woman for me.

That's normal?

Harold, believe me, Irene Dunn would not do it.

Oh, no, you don't understand.

You see, my wife is convinced she's going to die.

And she wants to be certain that i'm

looked after when she's gone.

Oh.

You mean-- oh, me.

Well, that's so beautiful, trying

to find her own successor.

I remember a movie where greer Garson was dying,

and she did the same thing with vivien Leigh for Ronald colman.

And they all lived happily ever after, except greer.

Cindy, Cindy, would you consider

spending some time with me, letting

my wife see us together?

Oh, it would be a privilege.

We just have to be absolutely certain that she

comes in at the precise moment.

Excuse me, doc.

Oh, hi, Harold.

I see you're following my prescription.

Doctor, we need your help to get my wife to come

to Cindy's cabin tonight.

Aloha deck 357.

Say right at 9 o'clock sharp.

Aloha 357 at 9 o'clock sharp.

And what will be happening?

Oh, we will be doing everything

we can to make his wife happy.

Julie: Ok, that's on deck four.

Hi, Karen.

Hi, Julie.

I've been looking for you.

Oh?

I was thinking about the show tonight.

I don't think there's going to be a show.

Let Oscar go on, Julie.

Well, you see, I signed up a seal act.

Now how do you do a seal act with no seal?

He doesn't need a seal.

He's funny without it.

I know you're crazy about the guy.

You have to give him a chance.

He's convinced that without Shirley, he's worthless.

Oh, Julie, please.

I'm talking about more than an act.

I'm talking about his life.

Well, is he willing?

He will be when I finish talking to him.

Ok.

We'll give it a shot.

But if you're wrong, just remember, the three of us

may have to swim back to Los Angeles.

Captain stubing: Come in.

If you're busy, we can come back later.

Next month?

Impersonating a superior officer,

unauthorized passenger on the bridge, degrading a superior.

Well?

Would you believe we were drunk?

No.

I don't think you would.

Your turn.

Captain, this whole thing wasn't gofer's fault.

Oh?

Can I speak to you alone?

You're dismissed.

Sir, um, by dismissed, do you mean dismissed,

or do you mean--

[popping sound]

I'll let you know later.

Ok.

Captain, what you overheard on the bridge was--

Isaac, do you know what I heard?

I heard a man trying to live up to an image

that other people have of him.

But sir, Mrs. Williams was a very special woman

in my life, a teacher.

She-- she expected great things of me.

Ok.

Let's say that she was fooled by the masquerade.

But ultimately, the only one you'd be kidding is yourself.

The problem that needs answering is not

what Mrs. Williams wants of Isaac

but what Isaac wants of Isaac.

Have a word with her.

If she's the woman I think she is,

she may help you with your answer.

Thank you, captain.

You're dismissed.

Sir, by dismissed, do you mean--

you're not fired.

Thank you.

Yet.

It's almost showtime.

What are you talking about?

You have to go on.

I can't go on without Shirley.

Yes, you can.

I know you can.

I've seen you.

You're bright and funny and witty.

Well, that was Shirley.

It was you.

Maybe I'm prejudiced because I'm in love with you.

But I'm sure you can be funny--

in love with me?

Yeah.

I thought it was only me in love with you.

I know you can do it.

You really can.

A seal act without a seal.

Well, that's certainly different.

Then you'll do it?

Well, if I fail, at least we won't starve.

Bottom line is that we've got 300 lbs of frozen fish

to fall back.

Cindy: Be right out.

Don't hurry on my account.

Did you leave the door unlocked?

One minute to nine.

There's lots of time.

Not really.

We'd better get started.

But i-- i--

Doc, doc, I've been looking all over for you.

Have you seen Mrs. Rogers?

Not lately.

Look, doc, there is a super chick, right over there,

who is dying to meet you.

She say she freaks on medics.

Yeah, but first I have to--

she does?

She's right over there.

You'd better get started, doc.

There's not much time.

The ship gets in tomorrow afternoon.

[Applause]

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight the acapulco lounge

proudly presents Oscar and Shirley.

[Applause]

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

A funny thing happened to me on my way over here.

Shirley decided to put me in business for myself.

Now, it was quite a blow.

Shirley and I were very close.

We worked together for over 10 years.

And well, Shirley was more than a partner.

She was-- well, how would you men like it if you woke up

in the morning and you found out that your wife had run off

and was never coming back?

You, sir?

Why are you laughing?

Now on with the show.

A one, a two, and a three.

Now I have to confess that this trick is a lot more

effective with a seal.

My next number is a duet.

And without Shirley, i'm going to need a volunteer.

Anybody want to volunteer?

[Chatter]

Anybody want to--

gopher, how about you?

Oh, no, no.

Come on, gopher.

[Applause]

We're going to have some fun.

Come on, now.

[Inaudible] It's very simple.

See, I play on the harmonica.

I play dun, dun, da dun dun.

And you play on the horns, dun dun, dun dun.

You got it?

I guess so.

Oh, that's a good boy.

Come on now.

It's really very simple.

You know, this could be a steady job for you.

I hope you like anchovies.

[Inaudible] No, no, no.

They don't work.

You don't squeeze them.

You blow into them.

You'll get the hang of it. Just sit down.

You ready now? Here we go.

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

Perfect.

Wonderful.

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

Now in tempo.

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

Little faster.

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

[Playing harmonica]

[Tooting horns]

[Harmonia and horns playing

together]

[Applause]

Doc!

Oh, hi, Harold.

Oh, no.

I blew it.

I forgot to get your wife.

I'm terribly sorry.

Do you realize what you just put me through?

I've spent the last four hours lying

in bed next to a naked woman.

Why are you angry?

How would you feel?

I would--

I apologize sincerely.

Because of you, I've been making love

all night long for nothing.

Harold, that's--

you ruined my whole evening.

Ok, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll go get your wife now and bring her.

And you go back inside with Cindy.

Back to Cindy, are you crazy?

I'm lucky to be alive.

What can I do to help?

Nothing.

I have a plan of my own.

Harriet may be ready to lose me, but there

are other things more important to her

she may not be ready to give up.

Oh.

Well, what if your plan doesn't work?

Then I'll just have to try Cindy's way again.

Harold, where have you been?

I looked everywhere for you.

There were so many women at the dance, all candidates.

Let's go up and see--

Harriet, the search is over.

I have found your successor.

Oh?

Well, that blonde that you approved of, you remember?

The young one with the--

she'll be fine.

I was with her in her cabin a while,

and I think we're pretty, you know, compatible.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, it really is.

That's what I wanted.

I just have to accept it.

I guess it's all settled.

I guess so.

Just a few little details.

Be sure and have your savings account transferred to her name

now.

There is a little sports car she likes,

and it'll be just enough.

My bank account?

I saved that from the house money, Harold.

It took me 11 years.

Believe me, she'll appreciate it all the more.

And it'd be better if you didn't wear that necklace anymore.

Cindy likes it, and it might get scratched.

No, Harold.

Wrong.

What's the difference?

You'll be gone anyway.

Wrong again, Harold.

There will be no sports car.

Oh, no, Harold.

I'm going to keep the blue dress and the necklace.

And I'm going to live for however long it takes.

Are you sure?

Yes.

I'll tell Cindy the deal is off.

And there'll be no more talk of another woman.

No more.

Ever.

Oh, I guess I just didn't realize, Harold.

It's all I wanted to hear.

I love you, Harriet.

And I always will.

I love you, too, Harold.

That's the only reason I ever--

let's not talk about it anymore.

Let's make this a night to remember.

Right.

We'll go right up to the dance and--

I've got a better idea, Harold.

Harold, come to bed.

I was right all along.

They will be burying me first.

Good evening, Mrs. Williams.

Good evening, Isaac.

I have a confession to make to you.

I'm not the first officer of this ship.

I'm the chief bartender.

I know.

You do?

When I told Carl about it, he thought

it was a coincidence that the bartender was named Isaac.

So I thought it was more than a coincidence, and I checked.

You're disappointed?

Yes.

Very.

Oh, not in you, Isaac, in myself for not being a better teacher.

Mrs. Williams, you were the best teacher I ever had.

Then why wasn't I able to teach you that who you are

isn't important?

It's what you are that counts.

Isaac, do you think it matters to me

whether you're a bartender, a ditch digger,

or a captain of a luxury liner?

All that matters to me is that you

are happy at what you're doing and whatever

it is, you're doing your best.

You know, school's been out all these years,

and I think you just taught me the most

important lesson of all.

Mrs. Williams, I love you.

I hate to leave this ship.

Last night was the most wonderful

night I've had in years.

I'm sure it was for you.

Yes, dear, it was wonderful.

Oh, Harold, I want to make up for all

the agony I put you through.

From now on, I promise that every night

will be wonderfully wild and passionate, like last night.

Can I sit down for a minute?

Of course, dear.

Mrs. Rogers, you're still alive.

I certainly am.

But he doesn't look too well.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

Should you ever again decide to pass on,

I just want you to know that you can go peacefully,

because I'll be waiting in the wings for Harold.

I wouldn't wait, dear.

When I go, Harold will be more than ready to go with me.

Oh, I was afraid i'd missed saying goodbye to you.

No chance, Mrs. Williams.

I've been watching for you.

You be sure and drive this boat carefully.

It's a ship, Mrs. Williams.

And you don't drive it--

Mr. Washington, I don't think we're

ready to teach the teacher.

When you come back, Mrs. Williams, you and I will

go up on the bridge and you can drive the boat any way

you want.

Oh, thank you, captain.

Captain, thank you for a most enjoyable time.

Captain stubing: You're very welcome.

Julie: Bye, bye.

Thanks for sailing with us.

Man: Bye, bye.

Well, I guess it's goodbye.

We sure want to thank you for everything.

Oh, you more than thanked us with that sensational

solo act of Oscar's.

Solo?

What about me?

Now, listen, would you consider giving up the sea

and becoming a--

[grunting]

Oh, Shirley.

Looks like I've already been replaced.

[Grunting]

Your brother's in the gangway.

He said that she turned up at your beach house.

I guess she got homesick and changed her mind.

[Grunting]

You want to go back?

[Grunting]

Ok, well, on my terms.

First, no more [inaudible].

And second, we got a new manager, Karen.

Take it or leave it.

[Grunting]

Well, I guess a raise is in order.

Five fish an hour.

Split the difference, seven and a half.

[Grunting]

We got a deal.

Come on, Karen.

Come on, Shirley.

Bye.

Bye, bye.

Bye.

[Theme music]