Original subtitles

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Uh...

No, not yet.

Relax, they'll be here.

I know. I'm just a little excited.

My younger brother is finally getting married.

Don't be so sure.

The last cruise he was on, he brought a woman

he was supposed to marry, and that didn't work out.

Yes, but this time it looks like the real thing.

According to Marshall, she's beautiful, considerate,

intelligent, and inherited a fortune in silver mines.

Now that sounds like the real thing to me.

There they are.

Marshall.

Merrill, I'd like to have you meet Natalie Martin,

the future Mrs. Marshall stubing.

How do you do, miss Martin?

Oh, don't be so formal, merrill.

You're going to be my brother in a couple of days.

You know I still can't believe this --

that you, of all people, are finally settling down.

Merrill, I'm a changed man.

Why, from the day I met Natalie,

I haven't so much as looked at another woman.

Marshall...

Darling.

Annette?

I knew we'd meet again.

Annette, I'd like to have you meet, uh --

later.

And you will have a wonderful trip this time.

Oh, darling?

Excuse us, uh, merrill.

We have to go to the cabin for a prenuptial chat...

Darling.

Boy, that's what I call handsome.

Yeah, beautiful.

It doesn't look tough enough, though.

The photographer was supposed to make me look tough.

Look -- he was only a photographer, not a magician.

Well, hello, young lady.

Sign that for you today.

"Swag loves ya."

All right, there you go. "Swag loves ya."

It's him!

It's Steve swaggert, private eye.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, what a guy. He's the greatest.

Relax, Vicki, he's just an actor.

Just an actor?

All the cruise ships voted him "TV hero of the year!"

That's why he's here -- to get an award.

Personally, I voted for miss piggy.

Welcome aboard, miss huggins. You're on the fiesta deck,

and that's one deck down.

[ Southern accent ] Thank you.

I've never been on a ship like this before.

You see, I'm from Oklahoma city.

[ Southern accent ] "And Oklahoma city is mighty pretty."

This is burl Smith, our assistant purser.

[ Normal voice ] Pleased to meet you.

You can go right through those doors and --

if there's anything that I can do to show you the way --

oh, no, no, no, that's all right.

[ Gasps ] Oh, excuse me!

M-My fault. Are you all right, miss?

Yes, I'm fine -- just fine.

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome aboard, Mr., um...

Parker, Dr. Elliot Parker.

I'm sure I put my ticket in my wallet,

but my wallet seems to be missing.

Oh.

Why did I do it?

That's all for now, folks. Thank you very much.

Ah, thank you.

Remember, everybody -- "swag loves you."

Hi.

Hi.

Welcome aboard!

I'm Isaac Washington, chief barman.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

This is Vicki, and she's a real big fan of yours.

Well, hiya, Vicki.

Hi, Mr. Swaggert.

Call me "swag."

This is Maggie cook, my agent.

How do you do?

Really -- his agent?

Uh, no big deal.

It's better than being "Maggie agent, his cook."

Yeah. Well, you're on your own, kid.

Could I have your autograph, Mr. Swaggert?

I think you're just -- well, just wonderful.

You bet, Vicki.

[ Gasps ] It's Steve swaggert!

You know what?

Next time I punch the lights out of one of those bad guys,

I dedicate those lights to you, okay?

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

He's one of them Hollywood phonies.

I'd like to see him in a real fight.

Oh, now, come on, Joe. Don't start up.

Hey, relax.

I came on this cruise to have a little fun.

Boo!

Ha ha ha ha ha! You see him jump?!

[ Mockingly ] "TV hero of the year."

You're not gonna let him get away with that, are you?

Well, Vicki, if there's one thing I've learned

fighting it out on those mean streets,

it's "sticks and stones may break my bones,

but words will never harm me."

[ Air horn blows ]

I'm telling you -- Annette means nothing to me.

Hmm, you could've fooled me.

Natalie, you know I love you.

Mm-hmm.

Annette and I are just old friends.

Yes, we know how old.

Oh, you look gorgeous.

Just a minute, dear.

But I haven't gotten to the fun part yet.

Tell me something.

Would you love me if I didn't have $20 million?

Natalie, I'm hurt.

How can you even ask me such a thing?

I'd love you if you only had $10 million.

Marshall, I'm serious. Look -- something has happened.

I've been trying to tell you, but I haven't known how.

Well, just say it.

It's best that we keep no secrets from each other.

It's the business -- I'm wiped out.

Wiped out?

The silver mines haven't been producing the way they used to,

and you know how crazy the market has been lately.

Wiped out?

If you want to change your mind about us --

Natalie, you know I love you.

You're not gonna get rid of me that easily.

Oh, Marshall.

Let's celebrate.

Right!

[ Laughs ]

The marriage vows say, "for richer or for poorer,"

but never "for wiped out."

Reminder --

the 14th of the month --

confirm reservations for next month's psychiatric convention,

and return case history and files to Dr. Schwartzenkopf.

[ Recorder clicks off ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, hi!

I'm Mary sue huggins, and I was just walking by,

and I saw your door was open.

You remember me? You bumped in to me before.

I bumped in to you?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my, what a cute little cabin --

so cozy and masculine.

Uh, am I disturbing you, Mr. --

Parker, Dr. Parker.

Doctor? Ooh!

Oh, what pretty luggage!

Oh, and all your clothes still so -- so neatly packed

and so -- so neatly wrinkled.

Look, miss --

i hear they have a marvelous buffet on the lido deck.

[ Gasps ] My goodness, doctor, what's that?

What's what?

There -- on the floor underneath your luggage.

My wallet.

You better be more careful, doctor, somebody might steal it.

Well, nice seeing you again.

Bye.

Bye.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, no.

I did it again.

Marshall, darling, here you are.

Annette.

Remember the carnival in rio?

[ Laughing ] Oh, do I?

Nobody shakes the maracas the way you can.

And you were a wonderful audience.

Listen, my sweet, I don't know what you have in mind,

but I think it only sporting for you to know

that I'm getting married in two days.

Two days -- that's wonderful.

Rio only took us one long, hot night.

You may not believe this, Annette,

but from now on, I'm a one-woman man.

You, a one-woman man?

Well...

Maybe a woman and a half.

A woman and three-quarters, tops.

I think I better go before I lose count.

Excuse me.

[ Classical music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mary sue.

Have y'all seen, um, Dr. Parker?

I haven't seen him. Have you seen him, Julie?

Unh-unh.

Haven't seen him.

Okay.

Well, guess I'll just go get something to eat.

Okay.

Looks like Oklahoma city's carrying a king-size torch.

Here comes the old heartbreaker himself.

You go get the good doctor.

I'll meet you at the Caesar salad.

Check.

Dr. Parker, you look famished.

Let's get you something to eat.

All right.

Would you like some Caesar salad?

Ooh, never. I hate anchovies.

Gopher.

Julie McCoy...

I have been looking all over for you.

Me too. Would you please excuse us?

Excuse me.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I-I thought that you weren't coming.

Well, I lost track of the time.

I seem to have misplaced my watch.

Oh, how terrible.

But I wouldn't worry about it.

You'll find it sooner or later.

I hope you're right.

Yeah, it'll probably turn up where you least expect it.

You know, like, in a pocket or something.

Um...

Here -- let me get you some salad.

Oh, it looks absolutely yummy, doesn't it?

All those anchovies and croutons

and more anchovies and croutons.

A toast -- may your seas be calm,

may your skies be clear,

and may all your storms blow away quickly.

Or in the immortal words of John Paul Jones,

"down the hatch."

Marshall, darling, how sweet of you to insist

that I should have dinner with you tonight.

Remember where we had dinner last time?

In beautiful Paris.

Didn't we have a wonderful time? Remember, my darling?

I just adored it. Let's go back to Paris, okay?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Of course you remember, darling.

The dinner was wonderful,

but it's the dessert I'll never forget.

I don't remember!

You don't? You kept on coming back for some more.

Natalie, darling, let me congratulate you.

Your future husband has a fantastic appetite.

[ Laughs ]

Yes, he has a very healthy appetite.

The only difference is the menu has improved.

[ Clears throat ]

It was really neat in that show

where swag was thrown out of that 3rd-story window,

and he landed on his feet, and he kung fu'd 14 bad guys!

I hate to break this to you, Vicki,

but he has a stuntman who does it for him.

Maggie, Maggie.

You do?

Only in the interest of saving time, my dear.

Sorry I'm late.

I went back to the room to get something.

Vicki, I'd like you to wear this.

Wow, a Steve swaggert badge! Thanks!

I'll never take it off!

Well, in the shower, maybe.

Wait till I show captain merrill!

She's wonderful.

Yes, she is.

If only you were that easy to impress.

Why can't you be like that?

She hardly knows me and look how impressed she is.

You answered your own question. She hardly knows you.

Hey, are you still babysitting this guy?

Oh, no.

Why don't you come out with me,

and I'll show you what it's like to be with a real man?

Sorry.

What's the matter?

You one of those Hollywood broads

who thinks she's too good to go out with an ordinary guy?

Not at all, Mr. Lujack.

I would love to go out with you, except for one reason.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

I make it a rule never to go out with a man

whose neck size and I.Q. Are the same number.

Come on, Joe.

It's okay. She's feisty.

I like them feisty.

Come on, Joe. I'll buy you a beer.

Tell him to put a head on it. Lord knows you could use one.

Maggie...

Well, you really stood up to that guy.

One of us had to.

Being a psychiatrist must be just fascinating.

There's a certain satisfaction in helping others.

Oh, helping others.

Oh. I think that's so very -- oh, noble.

Well, let's just say it's a simple dedication to mankind.

Oh, yes, that's it exactly --

helping your fellow man...

Or woman, as the case may be.

You almost sounded as if you were including yourself.

[ Laughing ] Oh, me? Oh, no, not me!

Absolutely not.

But I do have this friend who has this little problem --

miss huggins, when a person describes a friend's problems

to a psychiatrist,

we can usually assume that her friend is merely a fabrication,

that, in reality, it is she who is making a cry for help.

Help.

[ Lounge music plays ]

Well, Isaac, I guess we'll be moving on.

Keep the change.

Thank you.

Let's go, guy. Come on.

Isaac, you know that fellow that was sitting here before?

You mean Mr. Lujack?

Yes, Mr. Lujack.

Well, he's an old friend of mine.

I wonder if you could get him out of his cabin by 10:30.

I'd like to play a little practical joke on him.

Gee, I'd like to help you, but I'm on duty till midnight.

Hey, I'll do it. I love practical jokes.

Would you? Oh, that'd be great.

If you'll just buy him a drink, it would be a big favor.

Sure. No problem.

Now, Natalie, you know how it is with old friends.

Annette means absolutely nothing to me.

You're the woman I'm gonna marry.

Mm, I know that, and you know that,

but does she know that?

Miss Marcus, you're the most glamorous woman I've ever met.

Thank you, captain dear, and how true.

[ Laughs ]

Actually, I didn't mention your beauty

only as a compliment, but also as a warning.

You see, when it comes to beautiful women,

my brother is like a kid let loose in a candy store.

He can't keep his hands off the bonbons.

But he is on my ship to get married.

Captain, dear, you don't think I would look at a man

who's getting married in two days?

That's taboo.

Darling, do you know what I've been just thinking?

What?

In less than 36 hours, we're going to be man and wife.

Isn't that funny?

I was just thinking the same thing myself.

Oh! [ Laughs ]

Captain, dear, you dance beautifully.

Thank you.

[ Music stops, applause ]

Don't tell me you want to cut in.

It's 10:35.

Didn't you promise to have Mr. Lujack

out of his cabin by now?

Oh. I forgot!

Darryl, where are you taking me?

I don't want to do this,

but he didn't leave me any choice.

You mean that guy, lujack? Oh, forget him. He's nothing.

He can insult me all he wants to,

but he makes a pass at you -- that tears it.

Really, Darryl, don't.

No, no, no -- don't try to talk me out of this.

Darryl Brewster here, lujack. I know you're in there.

You started this. Come on out here and finish it.

Probably too scared to come to the door.

Listen to me, lujack.

I want you on the lido deck at noon tomorrow.

We'll settle this once and for all, you got it?

That ought to take care of that.

Anytime you're ready, sweetheart!

It was courageous of you to confess, miss huggins.

You see, kleptomania is a form of rebellion.

Oh, you're so understanding, doctor.

It stems from a deep, underlying anger,

feeling that you're not getting enough out of life.

So gentle and kind.

By taking my wristwatch,

you were simply acting out an involuntary impulse.

Displaying a need to be acknowledged --

to be loved.

Yes.

Yes.

Of course, you realize therapy is hard work.

You'll have to spend a lot of time with a doctor.

Yes, doctor, lots and lots.

I guess we could start therapy right here on the ship.

Oh, I think with a problem like mine, every second counts.

We could meet for breakfast.

How about 8:00?

Good night, Mary sue.

Good night, Elliot.

Oh, um, here's your fountain pen.

Uh, Darryl?

Huh?

Is something wrong?

Well, no, no, of course not.

Oh! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah.

Are you sure?

Uh, no -- uh, yes -- uh, no, nothing's wrong.

I just want you to know something.

I think that challenging that gorilla to a fight

is probably the dumbest, most childish,

most foolish thing I have ever seen you do.

Uh, you know -- you know, Maggie, I --

and I have never been so flattered...In all my life.

Heh heh.

Oh, Maggie.

Good night.

Good night.

Marshall, aren't you getting a wee bit sleepy?

No, I'm not tired.

I think I'll go visit merrill.

I'll, uh, save you a place.

Marshall!

You forgot your key.

Oh, well.

[ Laughs ] I shouldn't do that, should I?

Don't be long.

Reminder -- in the case of Mary sue huggins,

I think there's a bigger problem here than I first realized.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, hi.

8:00 -- time for breakfast.

Uh, I meant to call you. I can't make it.

Why not?

Too much work to do. I'm very busy.

But I thought we were -- everything seemed to be --

I said I can't make it, miss huggins.

You'll have to excuse me.

[ Whimpers ]

Mr. Lujack, could I have a word with you?

Hey, you're a little early for the fight.

What's the matter? Couldn't wait to get beat up?

That's what I want to talk to you about.

You're not chickening out?

I have a business proposition for you, Mr. Lujack.

Oh, yeah? What? I'm listening.

I would...Like you to... Take a dive.

Are you kidding?! Ha ha ha!

Let you win?

$500?

I get it.

You don't want your public to see that pretty face of yours

all covered with knuckle prints, right?

Something like that. Do we have a deal or not?

We got a deal.

Marshall, I want to talk to you.

It's about Annette. She's a troublemaker.

Don't lecture me about Annette.

I have enough trouble without her.

With Natalie?

I'm not sure she can support me

in a manner to which I'm accustomed.

What do you mean?

She says she's wiped out.

You've got to be kidding.

Well, wiped out or not,

Natalie is the best thing that's ever happened to you.

She's warm, she's loving, she's fun.

She's everything you should want in a woman.

Don't ever let her get away.

Look, merrill --

so she doesn't have money.

Working for a living is not that terrible.

You can't be serious.

I'd never let my wife work!

Hi, Mary sue.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, we can't have you looking so glum.

It's against company policy.

What's wrong?

I don't know. It --

last night, Elliot -- I mean, Dr. Parker --

seemed so affectionate.

And then, this morning, he just --

oh, never mind.

It's just that he doesn't care about me

except in a purely professional way.

Professional?

There was this little problem that he was helping me out with,

but I'm all better now.

Oh.

Hmm, you know, I'm glad you're all better,

but it's too bad you don't still have your problem.

What do you mean?

I mean, I'm glad your problem is cured.

But if it weren't, you'd still need to see the doctor.

Yeah?

Well, seeing the doctor professionally...

Is better than not seeing him at all, isn't it?

Hey, I think I'm beginning to get that old feeling again.

There we go.

I'll have an 8x10, and a couple of wallet sizes.

Thank you. Have a good day.

My two favorite ladies locked in mortal combat.

How's it going?

Swag, are you really gonna fight that Mr. Lujack?

Vicki, my dear, there comes a time in every man's life

when he simply must stand up for the things he believes.

Darryl, if you're doing this to impress me, forget it.

I like my men alive and in one piece.

Have no fear, my dear.

All right, Hollywood.

I've been lookin' all over this boat for you.

Come on, put 'em up.

Mr. Lujack, as much as I abhor the use of violence,

I'm afraid, sir, that I am going to have to teach you a lesson.

Any time you're ready.

Well, then you stop talking and start fighting.

Oh, I've been waiting for this.

Ow.

Oh, you Hollywood phony.

You haven't got enough money to make me take a dive.

A dive?

Oh, but, Maggie, I --

swag, come on! Swag always wins in the end.

Honey, that's only when I hire the writers.

Here you go -- a bloody Mary for you

and a Shirley temple for you.

I put two cherries in it because you look like

you could use a pick-me-up.

He just lay there holding his jaw.

He didn't even try to fight back!

And now the whole ship has heard about it.

I had to cancel the "TV hero of the year" award tonight.

Wait till the newspapers get ahold of that.

Isaac, I've been looking all over for doc.

I think my jaw is broken.

Oh, I doubt it, Mr. Brewster.

If your jaw were broken, you wouldn't be able to talk.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Sure hurts.

Hi.

Hey, look, I know I did something wrong.

Yes, you did!

You forgot to bring your stuntman.

She's only a kid.

That's just it.

At least until now, I was able to fool the kids.

[ Knock on door ]

Excuse me.

What is this?

Old sticky fingers did it again. I just couldn't help myself.

You mean you --

yep, something snapped right after I had breakfast...

Alone.

I went completely berserk.

If I had only realized --

I'm out of control. I mean, it's hopeless.

You were right not to want to see me anymore.

I'll never be cured.

Now, don't worry.

When you get home, I'll put you in touch with a good doctor.

Yeah, but what about now? I'm trapped on this cruise.

If I'm not careful, I'm liable to steal the ship!

It's my fault.

I must have somehow triggered the wrong response.

I'm so ashamed. Now everybody's gonna find out.

No, they won't.

I'll think of some way to get all this stuff returned

to its rightful owners.

Yeah, but what's the use?

Sooner or later, it'll just happen again.

Another purse, another wallet,

maybe even a nice pair of earrings.

Not anymore.

Mary sue, I'm staying with you.

You are?

Every minute -- day and night.

Oh, thank you, doctor!

I just know I'm bound to be cured.

And I'll really be grateful to you...

Especially at night.

[ Lounge music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

It's so sweet of you, Elliot -- taking care of me like this.

You're going to be fine -- just fine.

Yes, I-I-I know. I'm gonna be fine.

Just fine.

Just abso --

all right. You were regressing.

I had to do something to distract you.

Oh, that's all right, doctor. You just do what's best.

Excuse me, miss huggins.

Did you get all those wallets and things

back to the lost-and-found yet?

Oh, I gotcha --

still need them for your little scavenger hunt game, huh?

Well, that's okay.

Just get them back when you can, 'cause I'm responsible, okay?

Good evening.

Game, huh?

Elliot, please, you don't understand.

I'm afraid I do.

Miss huggins, honesty is the most important element

in a relationship between a doctor and a patient.

Not to mention the relationship between a man and a woman.

Elliot, please wait!

I can explain!

[ Disco music plays ]

You wait here, my peach. I'll get us some more drinks.

Don't be too long, darling.

Be back in a jiff.

[ Sighs ]

Isaac, my man -- two martinis, if you please.

Sure. And listen, I'll put these on the house.

Kind of a wedding present, okay?

Why, thank you.

All right.

Marshall, darling, haven't you forgotten something?

Oh, you're right. Make them extra dry.

Last night -- the key I gave you, you didn't use.

Oh, I'm sorry, love, but I simply couldn't.

My playboy days are over.

It's true. From now on, I'm a new me.

11:30 tonight in my cabin.

I'll see if the old me is available.

Hello, doctor. Miss huggins asked me to give this to you.

That's my tape recorder.

Yes, she'd like you to play the tape.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

I'm sorry I had to lie to you, Elliot,

but it seemed like the only way I could get to know you.

I'm embarrassed by what I put you through.

I guess I messed everything up.

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry.

I know I keep saying that,

but I guess it's because i-i really am sorry.

[ Recorder clicks off ]

[ Disco music plays ]

Hey, I was pretty good out there this afternoon, wasn't I?

I can take on any of those TV tough guys.

What are you gonna do next, punch out captain kangaroo?

The captain should've thrown that lujack off the ship.

He would've, but the agent lady asked him not to.

I guess they figured it would be bad publicity.

I know how you feel, sweetheart.

I once saw Joe DiMaggio strike out.

Captain, could I have a second with you, please?

Of course, Mr. Brewster.

[ Whispering ]

Are you sure you want to do that?

Yes, that's what I want.

Excuse me, Julie, Vicki.

Hi, Julie.

Hi, Vicki.

[ Music stops, applause ]

[ Drumroll, cymbals crash ]

Ladies and gentlemen?

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a last-minute change in our schedule.

I'm very pleased to announce

that our "TV hero of the year" presentation

will go on as planned.

[ Spectators murmuring ]

And here to accept the award is that very fine young actor,

TV's Steve swaggert, private eye,

Mr. Darryl Brewster.

[ Applause ]

Thank you for that applause, Mr. Lujack.

I-I know you're my greatest fan.

Thank you, captain.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am -- I am very honored

to receive this award tonight.

I know some of you may be disappointed in me

because I am not the man that you see on your TV screens,

but the captain said something very important.

He introduced me as an actor.

That's what I am.

I'm an actor.

I was lucky enough to land a wonderful role,

but it seems I was unlucky enough to hit the deck

when Mr. Lujack teed off on me a little earlier.

[ Laughter ]

Well, if you're disappointed in Darryl Brewster the actor,

I hope you're not disappointed in Steve swaggert the hero,

because I really think we need heroes like "swag."

They remind us that there are some virtues

that are still worthwhile.

Justice and truth --

sticking up for the lady you love.

Congratulations, Mr. Brewster.

Thank you.

Well, um...

I-I thank you very much

for the "TV hero of the year" award.

I, um --

well, thank you.

[ Applause ]

I got your message,

but if you'd listened to the beginning of this tape,

you would have gotten mine.

Reminder -- in the case of Mary sue huggins,

I think there's a bigger problem here

than I first realized.

I'm going to have to work very hard

to keep our relationship on a professional basis...

...'cause she's the most fascinating woman I've ever met.

And I'm falling madly in love with her...

In a totally unprofessional manner.

Darryl?

Oh, mag.

Uh, look, Maggie, if you came out here to resign,

I want you to know I understand.

It'd be a little difficult to represent an actor

who admits he's not the character

the public thinks he is.

I came out here to tell you how proud I was of you in there.

You made a disappointed girl believe in heroes again.

Well, I'm glad about that.

She really loves you a lot.

Well, Vicki's a good kid.

Who's talking about Vicki?

I'm the disappointed girl you made believe again.

I'm the one who really loves you a lot.

Let Vicki start her own fan club.

Maggie.

"Swag."

[ Both laugh ]

[ Knock on door ]

Room service!

Come in.

Well, I don't remember ordering a captain.

I just want to wish you both the best

for your wedding tomorrow.

Oh, merrill, how sweet of you.

Uh, where's Marshall?

Oh, he's out celebrating his last night as a bachelor.

Well, that'll never do.

Come on, let's go meet him and do some serious celebrating.

You know, I think I'm going to like being in this family.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, I forgot my bag. It won't take me a second.

That's funny. The key won't fit.

Oh, allow me.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Hmm, well, no wonder it doesn't fit.

This isn't your key. This is for cabin 128.

Well, who's cabin is --

don't tell me. I think I know.

Excuse me, merrill.

I have some business to take care of.

Darling, have a little bit more.

All right, but this is the last.

Oh, Marshall, don't be so suspicious.

I don't want to buy. I just want to borrow.

Natalie, you're making a big mistake.

Now, listen, Annette, it's not that I'm not tempted,

but after all, I'm just like any other man.

Well, maybe a bit more charming.

But there's something you have to know.

There is only one woman in my life,

and that woman is Natalie.

Now, I don't care if she is down to her last krugerrand.

I love her, and I'm gonna marry her tomorrow.

Darling, there's still tonight.

Not for us, there isn't.

Natalie!

Uh, I can explain.

Sweetheart, you already have.

Marshall, I'm really proud of you,

and it's not the first time.

Come to think of it, it is the first time.

How are you, pastor?

[ Clears throat ] Nervous?

Me? Are you kidding?

The ring! Where's the ring?!

I don't have it. The best man has it.

Yeah, but I thought you were the best man.

Didn't I tell you?

Someone flew in especially to do the job.

Milo!

Marsh, baby!

[ Laughs ]

Let me look at my little brother!

I can't believe it!

I was on this meditation retreat

when I, like, picked up your wedding vibes.

So I hopped off the astral plane and hopped on a 747.

Looks like you haven't landed yet.

[ "Here comes the bride" plays ]

Excuse me, that's my cue.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ Applause ]

Congratulations!

Bravo! Bravo!

Congratulations!

Thank you!

Man, that's too much.

Yeah, real groovy.

Outta sight.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

I'll always watch you. I'll never miss your show.

I promise.

Tell you what, Vicki --

next time you see me blow a kiss,

you know it'll be just for you.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Thank you.

Bye, Vicki.

Bye-bye.

Congratulations!

I hear you two are getting married.

You bet we are.

You must be very happy.

Oh, I sure am.

Agents get 10%. Wives get 50%.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Hmm.

Maybe we can work something out.

Hey, Brewster!

Oh, no.

Now, look, if you're gonna take another poke at me,

let's make it someplace that doesn't show.

I'm due back on the set in the morning.

Oh, no, no, listen, uh --

I just wanted to say that I think what you did

took a lot of guts.

Now, if, uh, you want to take a belt at me right here,

go ahead, you owe me one.

No, no, I don't think violence is the answer.

Why don't we just shake hands and be friends?

Okay, okay -- I'd be proud to be your friend.

Ahh!

Oh, my, my, imagine that.

I had the last Steve swaggert badge still in my hand there.

Would you like it?

No, no. No, thanks.

Sorry about that, lujack.

Bye.

Bye.

Maybe violence is the answer.

Just kidding.

Thank you, Julie, for everything.

Well, I had as much fun as you did -- almost.

And good luck at your convention next month, doctor.

Hmm? Oh, yes.

Mary sue and I are looking forward to it.

We just can't decide whether I'm going to the convention

as his fiancée or a case history.

Bye-bye.

So long.

Bye!

Bye.

Bye, Mary sue.

I got my wallet. You got your watch?

I got my watch. You got your keys?

I got my keys. You got your fountain pen?

No, I gave it to you.

You two look so great together.

Listen -- if you ever find yourself running short on funds,

you can always count on your big brother...

Within reason.

That's awfully nice of you, merrill,

but I just vowed to take care of this woman,

even though it may mean getting a job.

A job? Oh, there's no need for that, darling.

Why not?

Well, we still have $3 million.

Well, I thought you said we were wiped out.

Sweetheart, where I come from, that is wiped out.

Natalie!

Uh-oh, trouble on the starboard beam.

Oh!

[ Laughs ]

Hey, man, she's a Virgo with libra rising!

He's a libra with a Virgo rising -- whatever that means.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.