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MALE NARRATOR:
We are often told
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00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:41,244
that happily-ever-afters exist
only in the pages of fairy tales
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00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,927
and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.
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00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:49,130
And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,
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00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:53,285
a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,
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00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,204
proving two things.
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00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,489
Happy endings can
come true for anyone.
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And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.
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00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,642
Do you,
Tami-Lynn IVlcCafferty,
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take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
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I do.
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00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,170
SAM: And do you, Ted,
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00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,807
take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?
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Fuckin' A right, I do!
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Then, by the power
vested in me,
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I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
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00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:25,966
You may kiss the bear.
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00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,291
(ALL cHEERING)
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00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,287
Thank you, folks.
We're going to take a short break
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and pass things over
to DJ Nightshade.
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00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,210
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,611
WEDDING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, your newlyweds!
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00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:28,881
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
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00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,406
Teddy, this is
the best day of my life!
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00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,325
I just love you so much.
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00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,084
I love you, too, baby.
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00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,885
I'm gonna go fifty shades
of bear on you tonight.
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00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,167
Let's go get shit-faced!
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00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:47,401
Okay!
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00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:50,761
Thank you.
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00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,287
Hey, congrats,
you mofos.
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00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:58,441
Oh, hey, Guy.
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00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,085
Beautiful ceremony.
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00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,408
Oh. Thank you so much
for being a part of it.
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00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,164
Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.
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00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,401
How you doing?
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00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:06,561
Good, good.
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00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,566
He's a gourmet chef.
So he knows how to toss a salad.
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00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,290
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
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00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,567
Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.
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00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,604
Oh, you guys
are getting married?
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00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,603
No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.
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00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,125
Ha! Fuck you.
Fuck you.
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00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,480
Deal.
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00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,446
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,489
No! No!
I said no Electric Slide.
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00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,762
God damn it, you will not
wreck this night
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00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,002
with your forced
white people group fun.
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00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,971
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,288
TED: Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?
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00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:49,726
You look a little down.
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00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,485
Are you still shaking off that
hangover from the bachelor party?
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00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,369
Oh!
That's nice.
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00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,488
Oh, my God.
She's fucking begging for it!
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00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,450
(LAUGHS) She's totally begging.
Get it. Get in there.
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00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,602
Look at her.
She wants it bad!
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00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:02,847
JOHN: Oh, yeah.
She wants more
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00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,167
than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
(MEN LAUGHING)
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00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,329
TED: That's bigger than the average
bear right there, I tell you.
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00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,131
JOHN: You know what's fucked up?
Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!
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00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,726
MAN: Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!
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00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,810
TED: You know what, Johnny?
It's entirely possible it's his daughter.
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00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:17,961
That's how it works
out there.
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00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,364
I'm fine.
I was thinking about Lori.
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00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:25,087
Oh, Johnny,
come on, man.
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00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,646
It's been six months since
you guys got divorced.
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00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,688
I know, I know.
it's just that...
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00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,008
Being back in
that church again.
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00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,808
I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.
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00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,570
Yeah. Well, you're
not the first guy
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00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:37,806
to marry the wrong girl.
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00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,365
Hey, listen.
Don't let her drag you
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00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,209
down tonight, okay?
This is a party.
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00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,483
I'm sorry, buddy.
I don't mean to mess up your big day.
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00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,847
(SCOFFS) What, you kidding?
You're not the one messing it up.
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00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,365
Check out Tami-Lyon's
asshole brother
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00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:48,686
in the wheelchair.
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00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,566
If you don't dance with
me, you're a monster.
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00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,083
Watch it,
you fucking tool!
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00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,251
Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?
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00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:01,406
You guys wanna celebrate with
a little something else, hmm?
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00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,801
Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me
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00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,484
if I did drugs
on our wedding day.
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00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,210
Ah, she won't notice.
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00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,567
I just did a line with a
dude in the men's room
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00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,081
and I bet you
can't even spot him.
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00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,571
(GLASS BREAKS)
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00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,081
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
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00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,571
Hey, hey. What do you say we do the thing, huh?
That'll cheer you up.
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00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,444
Fuck, let's do it.
There he is!
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00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,091
Attention, everyone.
IVlay I have your attention, please.
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00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,728
Johnny and I have prepared something
very special for you, here.
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00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,087
Let's have it, fellas!
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00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,568
(SINGING) When you hear
the sound of thunder
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00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,404
Don't you get too scared
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00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:49,610
Just grab your thunder buddy
and say these magic words
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00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,530
Ho! Fuck you, thunder!
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00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,965
You can suck my dick
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00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,444
You can't get me thunder
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00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,562
'Cause you're just
God's farts
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00:05:58,640 --> 00:05:59,687
Yeah!
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00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,330
(CROWD cHEERING)
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00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,689
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,485
(SINGING) I'm steppin' out
with my honey
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00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,728
Can't be bad to feel so good
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00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,167
Never felt quite so sunny
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00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,129
So I keep on knockin' wood
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00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,567
Yeah, steppin' out
with my baby
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00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,961
Can't go wrong
'cause I'm in right
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00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,691
Ask me when will the day be
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00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,128
The big day may be tonight
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00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,964
TED: This is the best
day of my life!
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00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,731
(TEMPO lNCREAsEs)
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(MUSIC ENDS)
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00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,563
I'm starving.
What the hell are you doing over there?
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00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:21,927
I'm curing cancer.
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00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,168
I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?
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00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,447
What do I think
you're doing?
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00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,324
I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.
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00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,086
Look at this, look at this.
$129 at Filene's Basement.
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00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,169
What are you buying over there, Tami?
Gold bars?
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00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,844
I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?
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00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,400
What do you mean?
You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.
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00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:38,527
Yeah? So are you!
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00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,371
Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going
out and buying designer shit!
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00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,601
Oh,no,no,
no,no,no!
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00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,802
You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.
129
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:45,881
You should fucking talk!
130
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,043
I was talking. I was just talking,
just now, until you interrupted me.
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00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,360
Well, I have to
interrupt you or else
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00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,441
I never get to
fucking say anything!
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00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:52,521
Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
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00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:53,601
You're always
cutting me off!
135
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,001
Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
136
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,491
It's important to
look good at work.
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00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,642
I am trying to climb
the corporate fence, here!
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00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,131
Nobody's in there
to look at your ass!
139
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,361
You're acting like an asshole!
140
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,044
Oh, what am I
acting like, Tami?
141
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,531
You're acting like
a fucking asshole!
142
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,204
Like an asshole!
That's what you're acting like!
143
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,124
You don't got to dress like Elizabeth
Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
144
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,481
I am the face
of the business! Okay?
145
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,329
The face of the business?
So get the fuck off my case!
146
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,801
Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
You're delusional!
147
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,201
I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.
148
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:20,725
Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!
149
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,040
He treated
me good!
150
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,886
And (GASPS) he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!
151
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,123
Oh, newsflashl Boston whore
has seen Italian penis.
152
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,403
What the fuck did you
just call me, fucker?
153
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:32,845
What did you
fucking say?
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00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,206
Jesus!
Vvhatthefuck?
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00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,322
You wanna call me
a whore?
156
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,561
You wanna throw shit?
157
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:38,846
Yeah, I wanna
fucking throw shit!
158
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:39,967
I'll fucking throw shit!
(GRUNTS)
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00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,287
Oh. Wow. There, see!
How do you like that?
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00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:43,721
I'm scared, Teddy!
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00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,962
I'm really fucking scared of
you, you little fucking bear!
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00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,446
NEIGHBOR:
Shut the fuck up!
163
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,010
Oh, for Christ's sake!
164
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,845
Hey, you shut the fuck up!
165
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,325
Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?
166
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:53,526
Yeah, why don't you
come up here
167
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,931
and make me come
down there, tough guy?
168
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,162
I am gonna come up there and I'm
gonna kick your fucking ass!
169
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,605
Yeah, why don't you
try it, asshole?
170
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,484
Get your ass up here
and kick my ass!
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00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,846
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
172
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,081
Shut the fuck up,
you stupid bitch!
173
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,127
Hey, shut up,
lady!
174
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,168
Run the fuck back
to Russia, you whore!
175
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,606
Get the fuck
out of here!
176
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:08,920
People are
trying to sleep!
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00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,001
God damn it!
178
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,161
Shut the fuck up!
179
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,644
Hey, I'm really sorry!
Yeah, me, too.
180
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,051
She's worse than us.
181
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:16,531
Yeah, she's
our enemy now.
182
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,842
(ROCK MUSIC l=>LAYING)
183
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,001
(EXHALES)
184
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,122
Have you guys at least
tried marriage therapy?
185
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,522
Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.
186
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,126
$250 and we didn't
learn a goddamn thing.
187
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,043
$25O? Dude,
that's ridiculous!
188
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,690
I mean, doesn't your insurance
cover that or something?
189
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,610
Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up
for Obamacare on the Internet,
190
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:38,966
but I came back
five minutes later,
191
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,371
she was looking
at black cooks.
192
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,050
It seems like every
time you go online,
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00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,645
you're two clicks away
from black cocks.
194
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:44,926
Look.
195
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,725
See, I'll Google
"Grand Canyon."
196
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,400
Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"
197
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,525
I don't know, man.
I got to do something
198
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,170
or my marriage is
gonna collapse. (SIGHS)
199
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:55,846
Here you go,
guys.
200
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,570
We're gonna be
closing in a few,
201
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,165
but I'm going to
this after-hours thing
202
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:00,964
at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.
203
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,283
Oh, thanks, Allison.
But I got an early day tomorrow.
204
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,731
Oh, okay.
205
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,690
Well, if you change your
mind, here's the address.
206
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,285
I put my cell number
on there, too.
207
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,481
Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
208
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,607
What?
209
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:20,886
What do you mean, "What?"
After hours?
210
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,803
Jesus, Johnny, she totally
wants to sleep with you.
211
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:24,561
I'm not into it.
212
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,489
John, you've been saying that
for over a year-and-a-half
213
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,449
about every chick that
throws herself at you.
214
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:29,891
You got to get back
in the game, man!
215
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,200
No, don't start
this shit, all right?
216
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,805
Look, I wasted
six years of my life
217
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,291
with the wrong girl
and I got burned.
218
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,124
I'm not gonna make that
same mistake again.
219
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,169
Jesus, Johnny, you don't
got to marry Allison.
220
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,447
You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little.
221
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:41,726
What?
222
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,850
It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.
223
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,570
Yeah, I got
to take a leak.
224
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:48,921
(EXHALES)
225
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,604
Sorry, Allison. I tried.
226
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,082
(SIGHS) it's okay.
I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute.
227
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,969
Yeah. Hey, can I get
a Jack Daniel's
228
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,690
with just a splash
of Grey Goose?
229
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,964
Wish I could help you,
but we're closing.
230
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,008
Oh, come on.
I've been coming here since the '90s!
231
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:03,885
ALLISON: Sorry, buddy.
No can do.
232
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,362
Come on, one drink and I
promise I won't tell anybody
233
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,960
that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.
234
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,566
JOHN: Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
Get off of me!
235
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,449
Sorry, my mistake.
236
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,370
(STRAINING) There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.
237
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,326
Hey.
238
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:32,527
Hello.
239
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:36,725
I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.
240
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,242
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.
241
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:40,561
That's right.
242
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,765
I've been led to understand that
Trix are exclusively for children.
243
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,081
Is that correct?
244
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:50,167
I... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix
are for kids" in the commercials.
245
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,730
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
246
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,242
And is that
enforced by law?
247
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,882
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
248
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,366
So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?
249
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,848
No. No, you...
You should be fine.
250
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,245
You do understand that I
myself am not a child?
251
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,841
Uh, I was able to
sniff that out, yeah.
252
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,047
Okay, I'm going to bring
these back to my apartment.
253
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,448
Uh,yeah,yeah.
You'll___ You'll be okay.
254
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,445
And, uh,
I won't be followed?
255
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:23,083
Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.
256
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,521
Hey.
257
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,400
I won't forget what you've
done for me here today.
258
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,369
I would prefer that you do.
259
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,724
Jesus Christ.
260
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,641
(slGHs)
261
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,970
You two still not talking?
262
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,167
No.
263
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,408
Honest to God, Joy, I don't
know how to fix this.
264
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,561
I mean, how the hell do you take
265
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,404
a broken marriage
and make it work again?
266
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,803
Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.
267
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,001
A baby?
268
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,009
Uh-huh. Look at that.
269
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,565
You see them two
white niggas over there?
270
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,642
(INDISTINCT)
Yeah. What?
271
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,444
Look at them.
They're so happy.
272
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,251
Because they got that little
baby keeping them together.
273
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,925
If they didn't have that baby,
274
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,082
they'd just be two
sad-ass white niggas
275
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,844
waiting for
Downtown Abbey to come on.
276
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,606
Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?
277
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:22,761
I'm telling you, Ted,
278
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,003
y'all better have a baby or
your marriage is over. Trust.
279
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,209
(PRICING GUN cl_lcl 00:15:37,842
Uh, hey.
281
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:39,931
Go away, Teddy.
282
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,202
Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you. Okay?
283
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,770
Will you just listen
to me for one second?
284
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,609
Why? So you can give me
shit about my clothes?
285
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,684
No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
I'm sorry.
286
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,649
I was an asshole
and I didn't mean it.
287
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,126
You know, whatever, Teddy.
288
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,885
Tami, (SIGHS) listen.
I love you.
289
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:56,806
Okay? And...
And I don'twant us
290
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,042
to fight like we've been
doing the past few months.
291
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,885
I don't know, Teddy.
Something's got to change, you know?
292
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,561
Because I can't do this no more.
it's too much.
293
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,365
I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...
294
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,569
I wanna have a baby.
295
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,247
You do?
296
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,481
Yeah.
297
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,881
A baby? Like really?
298
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,081
Yeah.
299
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,401
See, I think,
if we got a kid to love,
300
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,687
it'll teach us how to
love each other again.
301
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,729
Oh, my God, Teddy.
302
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,850
You better not be
messing with me.
303
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,331
I swear to God,
not messing with you.
304
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,004
I think you'd make
an awesome mom.
305
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,570
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
306
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,768
I would, like, kick so much
ass at mommin'! (CHUCKLES)
307
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,160
So what do you say?
We all good?
308
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,765
Yes! Oh, I love you!
309
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:38,921
I love you so much!
310
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,923
Oh, baby, I love you, too!
(SMOOCHES)
311
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,410
Let's make a baby!
Let's make a baby!
312
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,085
(EXCLAIMS)
(KlssEs)
313
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,445
(DISTANT MOANING)
314
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,922
(MOANING INTENSIFIES)
315
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:04,441
TED: Let me know
when you're ready to go
316
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,045
and I'll stick a bottle
of Newman's Own in you.
317
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,248
(TAMI-LYNN MOANS) All the
profits go to charity.
318
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,524
You had sexual intercourse
319
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,284
on a pile of raw
hamburger meat
320
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,044
that we're supposed to
sell to the public
321
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,441
for their Fourth of July
barbecues.
322
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,449
I fucked her
with a pack of Freedent.
323
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:22,285
Then I put it back on the shelf
and a senior citizen bought it.
324
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:24,805
That took guts.
325
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:26,646
We need guts.
326
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,809
I'm naming the store
after you.
327
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:36,606
(FLICKING LIGHTER)
328
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,289
Okay, you ready? Oh, shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
329
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,890
Here it comes.
Okay, okay. I'm ready.
330
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,323
(JOHN HUMMING) TED: (SINGING)
Let's all go to court
331
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,089
Let's go make some law now
332
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,163
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
333
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,322
Some law now
334
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:55,481
I say we go to court!
335
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:56,766
JOHN: Yes, let's go to court!
336
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,490
TED: We're a bunch of
assholes who take up
337
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,608
a whole hallway
with our conversation.
338
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,162
(SINGING) Hey, you lawyer guys
339
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:08,330
You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you
340
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,681
While we 're high
341
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,244
That was fucking magic.
342
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,522
That felt smooth.
That felt really smooth. Oh!
343
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:16,806
So in the pocket.
344
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,362
Hey, so, uh, listen,
I got, uh...
345
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:21,124
I got some big news
to tell ya.
346
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,521
Oh, yeah? What's that?
347
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,048
Tami-Lynn and I are
gonna have a baby!
348
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,689
Holy Shit! YOU?
349
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,364
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah,
we talked about it today.
350
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,044
Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!
351
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,121
Thank you!
352
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,043
Wait, wait, wait. How...
How... How do you guys...
353
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:39,886
Well, yeah, that's the thing. We...
We, uh... We got to find a sperm donor.
354
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,043
And, um, I'm wondering,
what do you think
355
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:44,963
Sam Jones would say
if I asked him?
356
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,362
You want Flash Gordon
to father your child?
357
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:48,811
Yeah, I mean,
do you think...
358
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,564
Would that be weird?
Would he be freaked out if I...
359
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:51,801
No, I think
he'd be flattered!
360
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,565
And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!
361
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,642
Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.
362
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,881
Yeah, I say do it!
363
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,729
All right. I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,
364
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,165
and see if I can
stop by tonight.
365
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:02,560
You come with me?
Sure.
366
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:03,801
All right, great.
367
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,161
Shit.
368
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,164
I can never get a signal in your apartment.
Hey, can I use your laptop?
369
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,163
Yeah, go ahead.
Okay, thanks.
370
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,001
(SHOUTS)
What the fuck?
371
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,401
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?
372
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,561
What's going on?
373
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,523
There's so much porn!
374
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,609
Well, what the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?
375
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,411
What are you talking about, "private snit"?
Johnny, it was wide open!
376
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,329
There are literally
thousands of files here!
377
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,164
Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.
378
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,442
Jesus Christ. Look at
the organization here!
379
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,285
Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!
380
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,761
Yeah, well, sometimes you like
seeing the tongue go the other way!
381
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,764
You sick bastard! Look at this!
Chicks with dicks?
382
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,607
Oh, my God! (SOBS) I have a
disease, all right? I need help!
383
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,240
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!
384
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,600
Oh, this is such a relief!
385
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,961
I'm so glad I'm finally caught.
I wanted to be caught!
386
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,691
Johnny, now you listen to me.
This is a wake-up call, all right?
387
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,888
You got to get back out
there and meet somebody
388
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,803
because you are spiraling
out of control here.
389
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,360
All right, fine, I will.
Just stop looking at that shit, please!
390
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,601
Johnny, I mean it. All right?
391
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,649
The next chick you meet, you
are getting back in the game.
392
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:06,961
Fine, I got it. Done.
393
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,809
All right.
Now, let's get rid of this.
394
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,809
What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!
395
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,490
No,no,no.
That shit can always be recovered.
396
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,602
We got to smash your
laptop with a hammer.
397
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,246
All right, there, you happy?
398
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,800
No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.
399
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,166
We got to bury it
in the harbor.
400
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,242
Okay. We'll come back
once every three months,
401
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,845
take a dive and check on it.
402
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,522
TED: So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.
403
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,007
So what do
ya say?
404
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,770
You'd really be
helping me and Tami out.
405
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,525
No can do, my brother.
406
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,211
Well...
Well, why not?
407
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,722
Oh, look, I did a lot
of blow in the '80s
408
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,247
and my sperm count's
a little low.
409
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:05,761
Oh. How low?
410
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,401
One.
411
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,481
One?
412
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:12,406
Yeah, little fella's having his
own I Am Legend in my nut sack.
413
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,090
Oh. Can we have that one?
414
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,642
No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.
415
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,928
Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here?
I got to go.
416
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,369
That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.
417
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,481
TED: Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!
418
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:27,891
That was really
selfish of him.
419
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,325
I know. And after
I watched his
420
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,164
piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.
421
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:32,801
God damn it!
422
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:33,967
(ALARM BLARING)
423
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,041
Ah!
Oh, Shit!
424
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,922
Johnny, please, just
help me do this. Okay?
425
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,604
He's the only guy in
the world whose sperm
426
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:45,920
is even close to
Flash Gordon's_
427
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,207
Ted, it's insane.
We could get in a lot of trouble.
428
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:49,725
But not if nobody
finds out.
429
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:50,847
Look, look, John, John.
430
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,287
We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep
431
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,010
and sneak out with the sperm.
it'll be easy!
432
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,249
And think how awesome
the baby will be.
433
00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,802
Would be
a sweet-ass fucking baby.
434
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,646
All right, I'll help you.
But we got to have a game plan.
435
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:12,965
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
436
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,284
(slGHING)
437
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,325
(SOFTLY) Just calm down.
438
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:20,521
Yeah, can I help you?
439
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,728
Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?
440
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,121
Yeah.
441
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,406
JOHN: Um, hey. Um...
442
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:28,607
Your neighbors called,
443
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:30,205
and your air conditioner's
making aloud noise
444
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:31,884
so I'm supposed to
check out the unit.
445
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,405
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.
446
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,847
Okay. Um, I just may need
a signature in case
447
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,524
I got to get some parts,
for the billing.
448
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,647
You could just, uh, write that
to John and Ted. Put number 12.
449
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,090
And you're not a cheater.
I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
450
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,003
It's around back.
All right. Yeah.
451
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:00,726
(CRACKUNG)
452
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,204
Stupid idiot.
453
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,251
TED: Okay. Go, go, go!
454
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,643
Take the damn raincoat off.
it's making too much noise.
455
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,882
Piss off! I don't wanna get
anyjizz on me!
456
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,129
Two League IVIVPs,
four Super Bowl rings,
457
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:57,931
guaranteed first
ballot Hall of Famer.
458
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,765
Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.
459
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:02,370
(WHISPERS)
All right. Go ahead.
460
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,329
Wait, what do you mean,
"Go ahead"? You got to do it.
461
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,163
What are you talking about?
You're the one who needs the sperm.
462
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,605
Yeah, but it's got
to be a human hand.
463
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,489
It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.
464
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,971
No, it doesn't_
It's just friction.
465
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,844
Look, I've never done this before.
Neither have I.
466
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,763
You do it to yourself.
Yeah, but that's different.
467
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,451
You're an adult with a poster of
this guy in your fucking room.
468
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:19,686
You're telling me
you don't want this?
469
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,840
Yeah, I want it!
You know I want it, but I'm nervous.
470
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,048
What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it?
He deserves the best!
471
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,246
Pull yourself together,
for God's sakes_
472
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:27,600
He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!
473
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:29,920
Au right.
474
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:33,525
(GASPS)
475
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,648
Sweet God and baby Jesus.
476
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:36,721
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
477
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,768
And that's at rest.
478
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:40,766
(SHOUTS) what the hell?
479
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,285
Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.
480
00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:43,771
What are you doing here?
Who are you?
481
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:44,841
Get out of my house!
482
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:46,320
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
483
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:47,886
TED: Oh, God!
Ahhh!
484
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:50,607
(STUTTERS) Wait, Mr. Brady!
485
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,523
Take your goddamn
teddy bear with you!
486
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,210
(TED YELLS)
487
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,521
Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!
488
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,085
Come on,
let's get out of here!
489
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,127
Shit!
490
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,645
What the hell do we do now?
491
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:10,960
(PANTING)
492
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,091
Hey, Ted, let me
ask you something.
493
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:14,486
What's that?
494
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,371
Why didn't you
just come to me?
495
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,126
What are you talking about?
496
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:19,531
For the sperm.
497
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:24,607
Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man?
You were the first person I wanted to go to.
498
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:26,730
But you've just
been so bummed out
499
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:27,961
over your divorce lately
500
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,562
that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.
501
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,251
And plus,
after seeing your laptop,
502
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:34,845
I didn't think
you had any left.
503
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,686
Just so you know, I'm
totally willing to do it.
504
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,562
Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?
505
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,087
Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.
506
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:48,322
Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off...
507
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,044
You're ready to be a parent.
508
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,244
God... (CHUCKLES)
509
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,124
I don't know what to say.
510
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:57,489
Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!
511
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,445
Hey, thunder buddies
for life, remember?
512
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,643
Thunder buddies for life.
513
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,531
Come on. We got to get out of
here before the cops show up.
514
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,524
MALE OFFICER: All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive.
Area units, please respond.
515
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,450
What's a 3-17?
516
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,490
Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.
517
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:16,161
Really?
518
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,005
Welcome to Boston, kid.
519
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,923
(SIREN BLARING)
(TIREs SCREECH)
520
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:33,085
What is that?
What?
521
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,764
What are you doing?
I'm getting ready, dude.
522
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:35,921
What do you mean
you're getting ready?
523
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,161
What are you doing
to your hand?
524
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,846
I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.
525
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,524
You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?
526
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:42,840
I'm trying
to get it half hard,
527
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:44,450
so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.
528
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,284
Sitting out here in public,
jerking off?
529
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,203
Where do you think you are?
Red Lobster? What are you doing?
530
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,520
What do you think
I got to do in there?
531
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,045
Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't
532
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:52,884
smoked pot for two
whole days, right?
533
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,531
Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.
534
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,443
I'm sorry, I just
don't want something
535
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,966
I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.
536
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:01,361
"John Bennett."
537
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:02,527
Hi.
538
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,291
Right this way. I'll show you
where to deposit your specimen.
539
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,689
Hey, Johnny. Johnny.
540
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,165
(CHUCKLES)
541
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,050
I'm John Bennett.
542
00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:21,249
(LAUGHS) I know,
I just said your name.
543
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,891
Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.
544
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,167
I've been out of
the game for a while.
545
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:27,407
The game?
546
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,565
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.
547
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:33,326
I $66.
548
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,850
Hey, when I'm done here,
how about a drink?
549
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,482
(STAMMERS) Oh. I don't mean this.
I meant, like, a regular drink.
550
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,210
I have a boyfriend.
551
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,402
Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad.
You're missing out on a great guy.
552
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,604
Um, do I just spit in
my hand or do I get
553
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,842
a lube or something?
A magazine?
554
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,605
Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.
555
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:54,767
There's lube
right there.
556
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,604
All right,
yeah, thanks.
557
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,764
Uh, excuse me.
Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom?
558
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,285
Down that hallway,
to the left.
559
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:07,771
Okay, thanks.
560
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,611
Oh. No way!
(CHUCKLES)
561
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:20,282
Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you
guys store all the, uh, stuff?
562
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,124
It's the intermediary station
before insemination.
563
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:25,366
Are you submitting?
564
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,649
No. My friend is, uh, yanking
outa sample in one of the rooms.
565
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,566
Oh, well, that's a good friend.
Yeah.
566
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:31,641
I'm Dr. Danzer.
567
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:32,807
Oh, cool. (CHUCKLES)
568
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:36,641
(SINGING)
Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer
569
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:37,801
Yeah, whatever,
I don't know.
570
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:41,646
Now, wait. You look familiar.
Are you that teddy bear who came alive?
571
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,131
I am. That's me, yeah.
572
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:44,241
See, I was trying
to figure out
573
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:45,651
where I'd seen you
before and that's it.
574
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:46,807
Good eye, good eye.
575
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:50,327
So, how did you get into this line of work?
Do you just love cum?
576
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:51,801
Uh, uh...
577
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,082
Not especially, but I love
helping good people
578
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,924
fulfill their dreams
of having children.
579
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,162
It's amazing
what we can do here.
580
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,284
You want to have a look?
581
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:01,930
Yeah, sure.
582
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:07,406
This is where we perform our
pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.
583
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,482
We can eliminate
hereditary diseases,
584
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,763
such as cystic fibrosis, muscular
dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.
585
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,524
The list goes on
and on, really.
586
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:15,687
Wow.
587
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:17,844
Hey, Johnny! You did it!
588
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:18,921
Right here, buddy.
589
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,764
Ew. I mean, awesome!
(CHUCKLES)
590
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:23,089
Excuse me, Doctor,
your wife's on the phone.
591
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:24,525
She said it's an emergency.
592
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:26,689
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
593
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,647
You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?
594
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,131
I can see it from here,
thanks,yeah_
595
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:33,531
Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.
596
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:34,601
No,no,no!
Come on!
597
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:36,523
You got to take a closer look.
That's close enough, Johnny!
598
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,443
He's beautiful. Come on!
I'll trade you. Catch.
599
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,204
Oh, shit!
Oh, God!
600
00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:42,044
Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!
601
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:44,521
Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod!
You were supposed to catch it!
602
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:45,601
We got to find something
to scoop it up.
603
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,290
There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.
604
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,725
Shit. All right.
605
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,201
TED: No, no,
that's not gonna work.
606
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,049
You need two of them.
You got to scoop one into the other.
607
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:54,050
Oh, Shit! Fuck!
608
00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:56,566
TED: Oh!
Oh, fuck!
609
00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:57,641
Oh, my God!
610
00:29:57,720 --> 00:29:58,801
Fuck!Fuck!
611
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,042
Oh, my God! it's in my eyes!
612
00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:02,121
I'm blinking it in!
613
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:03,486
(GAGGING)
You got to fucking help me!
614
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,130
Oh, my God!
it's in my fucking mouth!
615
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:06,969
Hang on. I got to
post this on Facebook.
616
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:08,246
No!
(CAMERA CLICKS)
617
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,006
Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."
618
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,089
(GASPS)
Oh, my God!
619
00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:15,083
Look, I'm so sorry!
We swear to God, it was an accident.
620
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:16,241
We're so sorry.
621
00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:20,087
Well, I guess it's all right.
Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.
622
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:21,651
Ah, you hear that,
Johnny?
623
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,643
You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.
624
00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,085
You look like a Kardashian_
625
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,526
Fuck!
626
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,008
No, make sure you
have all the updated
627
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:42,684
information on our
Comic Con placement.
628
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:46,082
This has to be the biggest, most
impressive rollout at the convention.
629
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:47,281
Morning, Mr. Jessup.
630
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:49,525
Good morning. Now...
631
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,090
My name's Donny.
632
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,521
(SIGHS) Hi, Donny.
Hi.
633
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,284
Now this is
a multi-platform release,
634
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:56,521
so I want a full
report on all...
635
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:57,840
Fresh cakes.
636
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:00,967
What?
637
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:02,451
In the urinals, sir.
638
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,042
I noticed you always
use urinal four,
639
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:06,884
so I put fresh cakes
in there for you.
640
00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:09,964
You're an important man.
You should never have to smell pee.
641
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:13,604
See, most people
flip the cakes.
642
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:15,804
I replace the cakes.
643
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,802
That's the Donny difference.
644
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:23,884
I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.
645
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,122
Contact Bob Jennings
atJavHsH_
646
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,007
Hi, Ted.
647
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:57,765
I've missed you.
648
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:00,846
TED TOY VOICE:
I love you!
649
00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:03,489
(SINGSONGY)
I love you too.
650
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,162
I love you too!
651
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,367
(CHUCKLES)
652
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,365
Pretty soon,
653
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,283
you'll be saying that
for real.
654
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:18,127
(WHISPERING) Pretty soon,
pretty soon, pretty soon.
655
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,202
This is gonna work. This is gonna work.
This is gonna work.
656
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:22,527
Okay.
657
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:24,211
(sHusHING)
658
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:29,047
Okay.
659
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:31,041
Okay.
660
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:36,003
(vvHIRRING)
661
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,283
No,no,no,no,no!
No,no,no,no,no!
662
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:42,887
Oh, Shit!
663
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:50,326
Soon, my love.
664
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:53,047
Soon.
665
00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:57,050
I'm afraid I have bad news.
666
00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:00,245
I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.
667
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,084
Wait, what?
Why not?
668
00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:06,245
Tami-Lynn, according to your test
results, you're no longer fertile.
669
00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:07,401
What?
670
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,409
Wait, Doc,
are you sure about that?
671
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,688
I mean, maybe you should check
again or something, you know?
672
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:13,081
I'm quite sure.
673
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,323
Tami-Lynn, because of your
history of excessive drug use
674
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,368
your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.
675
00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,244
What are you talking about?
It looks fine. Yeah.
676
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,767
Forgive me,
that's a normal ovary.
677
00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,410
This is Tami-Lyon's.
678
00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:28,721
TED: Jesus!
679
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,081
Yeah, but I bet this
stuff happens a lot.
680
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:33,288
You probably see this kind of
stuff all the time, right?
681
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:35,841
No,notonce,noteveL
682
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:39,243
When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.
683
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:42,250
Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.
684
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,889
(SOBS) I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.
685
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:47,968
It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.
686
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:49,451
No, what does
this mean, Teddy?
687
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:50,681
Does it mean we
can't have a baby?
688
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:52,285
I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.
689
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:53,925
Everything's gonna be okay.
690
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,286
It really isn't.
691
00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:10,206
Teddy, I got a really
good feeling about this.
692
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:11,361
I know, me too.
693
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,130
I mean, adoption's
great, right?
694
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:14,281
Oh, yeah, I mean,
695
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:15,850
Steve Jobs was adopted.
696
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,730
Yeah! Yeah, and also a million
kids who did nothing.
697
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:21,200
You know, Teddy,
698
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:25,328
this has been nice, you and
me doing this together.
699
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,767
I mean, it's like we have a
common goal or something, right?
700
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,684
Yeah, I love hearing you
saythaL'causelfeel exactly the same way.
701
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:32,489
And we ain't fought
in, like, a week.
702
00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:33,971
I know, we haven't! it's...
703
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,327
Hey, you know what?
If the baby works out, we should get a dog.
704
00:34:36,720 --> 00:34:38,563
Oh, my God.
A German shepherd.
705
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,409
A German shepherd
and a baby, together.
706
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:41,720
It's like the perfect family.
707
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:43,211
And a gun,
to protect us all!
708
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,011
Yes! Okay, as soon as we get
the baby, we get the gun.
709
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:47,764
I love our
gun-dog-baby family.
710
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:48,887
(EXCLAIMS)
711
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,881
Well, I have gone
through your application
712
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:55,167
and vetted your
personal histories,
713
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:58,283
and I'm afraid this
isn't gonna work out.
714
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:00,441
What?
715
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:01,681
Why not?
716
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,330
Well, first of all,
there's the question
717
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,084
of Tami-Lyon's
drug conviction.
718
00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:07,004
Hey, I did
my community service.
719
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,686
Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.
720
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:11,720
There's another issue,
721
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:14,883
and, honestly, it's
the more serious one.
722
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:17,201
I was reluctant to
bring it up because
723
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:20,005
it's a little awkward.
724
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:24,850
Ted, in the eyes of the state,
you are not a person.
725
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,644
Wait, what?
726
00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:30,927
The state official
I spoke to said
727
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,129
that technically, you are
classified as property.
728
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:38,721
I'm not a person?
729
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:41,964
Not according to
the government. I'm sorry.
730
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:43,769
But that is so fucked up!
731
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:45,806
"Property"?
732
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:47,882
You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.
733
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:49,161
Come on.
734
00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:50,401
(slGHs)
735
00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:51,921
Look.
736
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:53,889
You seem like good people.
737
00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:55,280
Be careful.
738
00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:57,442
What do you mean,
"Be careful"?
739
00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:59,488
The state official I spoke to
740
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:03,201
made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.
741
00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:06,411
Your adoption request may
have raised some red flags.
742
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:09,765
If they choose to
investigate the issue,
743
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,491
it may leave you
quite vulnerable.
744
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,080
Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.
745
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:29,764
Is that for real?
Did they actually tell you that?
746
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:31,569
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property."
747
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:33,364
They said I'm property.
748
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:35,523
What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?
749
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:37,443
What, like garbage
or a piece of shit?
750
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,367
I mean, maybe more like a
hammer or an orange, but yeah.
751
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:42,646
What the hell
do they know?
752
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:43,807
It's just a word.
753
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,247
They can't change your whole life
just by calling you property!
754
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:49,244
Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.
755
00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,807
One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes
756
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:53,803
in the river,
titties out. You good.
757
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:55,689
Then all of a sudden,
you somewhere
758
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:57,683
across the world,
fucking Thomas Jefferson.
759
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,121
Wow! You make
history come alive.
760
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:02,249
Why the hell is this
just coming up now?
761
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,482
I mean, I've never voted.
762
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,246
I don't have a driver's
license, I don't pay taxes.
763
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,368
I mean, hell, this is
the firstjob I ever had.
764
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,320
Ted, can I see you
for a moment?
765
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:16,001
I'm sorry,
766
00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:17,605
but I'm gonna have to let you go.
767
00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:21,486
What? Why? I've been busting my
ass at this job for three years!
768
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:24,001
I just got a call from
the Labor Department.
769
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:26,968
I can't legally keep
you on as an employee
770
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:29,247
because I've been informed
that you're technically...
771
00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,563
Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ!
772
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:36,880
I'm sorry. But as of today,
you're fired.
773
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,125
(slGHs)
774
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:42,368
"Dear Ted,
your Chase bank account
775
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:44,568
"has been terminated clue to
a lack of citizenship."
776
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,531
"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."
777
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,524
"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."
778
00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:52,051
Fuck, that's a big one.
779
00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:54,168
This poor baby bootie_
780
00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:58,685
It's always gonna be empty.
There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
781
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:02,123
I don't understand.
We would have made such great parents.
782
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:03,201
UNHALES)
783
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:04,486
Oh, my God.
784
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:06,291
Oh, my God, Teddy!
785
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:07,327
(STUTTERS)
What? What's wrong?
786
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:08,731
Look at this.
787
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:10,086
(SOBBING) "Dear Ted,
788
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,045
"the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you
789
00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:16,169
"that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status
790
00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:21,248
"your marriage to Tami-Lynn IVlcCafferty
is unrecognized by the state
791
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:24,284
"and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."
792
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:26,449
Teddy, can they do this to us?
793
00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:27,567
Let me see that.
794
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,084
This is a nightmare.
795
00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:37,571
You fucking
believe that?
796
00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:39,722
No. This is insane.
797
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:41,684
I mean, Tami's
the woman I love.
798
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,048
You know, I never would even
have tried to adopt a dog
799
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:46,327
if I had known it was gonna cause
me this kind of shit storm.
800
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,164
This whole thing is
complete bullshit.
801
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,282
I mean, if you ask me,
we got to fight it.
802
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,808
What do you mean?
I mean, we get a lawyer.
803
00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:54,691
Oh, my God. Can we do that?
804
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:56,131
Hell yeah!
You know what we do?
805
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:57,406
We'll get a lawyer
and we'll sue
806
00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:59,090
the fucking government
for your civil rights!
807
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:01,043
Johnny, that's a great idea!
808
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,362
Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of
them Harrison Ford lawyers
809
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,841
who gets shot in the head, then turns
all retarded and nice and goes,
810
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:07,001
"What we're doing is wrong."
811
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,242
Yes. You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.
812
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:11,368
We take that shit all the way
up to Judge Judy if we have to.
813
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:12,487
Yeah.
814
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:15,131
But we don't know any lawyers.
All our friends make sandwiches.
815
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:17,607
Oh, we just Google "Boston lawyers.
" Ah.
816
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:21,242
Jesus. Look at
that black cock.
817
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:42,486
Uh...
818
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:46,083
This is a very complicated
case you have here.
819
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:50,722
Most civil rights cases are, but this
one has some very obvious wrinkles.
820
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,002
Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.
821
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:56,807
Listen, your case is
not gonna be cheap.
822
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,008
What is your
financial situation?
823
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,250
Uh, all of our holdings are
tied up in the railroads.
824
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:04,721
Yeah, Reading Railroad, B&O
Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
825
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:07,963
We're working on Short Line.
Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
826
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:09,530
And I own four houses
on Baltic Ave.
827
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,602
I was thinking about just tearing
them down and building a hotel.
828
00:40:11,720 --> 00:40:14,405
I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.
829
00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:16,403
Are you guys just
saying Monopoly stuff?
830
00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:18,085
Tell you what, I'm gonna
go drive around the block,
831
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:19,571
and I'll be back
with $200.
832
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:21,682
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
833
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:23,922
My niece recently
passed her bar exam
834
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:27,129
and I've hired her on as a junior
associate here at the firm.
835
00:40:27,240 --> 00:40:29,607
I could assign her to
your case, pro bono.
836
00:40:29,720 --> 00:40:31,529
And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney
837
00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:34,843
and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.
838
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:36,400
So what do you say to that?
839
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,688
Yeah, sure,
sounds great.
840
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,487
Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?
841
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:44,289
Uh, those aren't
supposed to be out.
842
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:56,041
Hello?
843
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,282
(BANGING)
om Fuck!
844
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:00,041
Hi.
845
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:01,121
You okay?
846
00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,804
Yeah! I'm fine.
847
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:04,120
You must be Ted.
848
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,123
Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,
849
00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:07,645
this is my buddy, John.
Hi.
850
00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:11,202
Um, my uncle says that you
guys are my first clients.
851
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:14,530
Uh, it's been discussed,
852
00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:16,684
but do you mind if
I ask how old you are?
853
00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:18,365
I'm 26.
854
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,561
Ah.
855
00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:21,290
What, is there a problem?
856
00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:23,328
Well, you know, I just don't
want my lawyer singing
857
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,164
Frozen songs during
the opening arguments.
858
00:41:25,240 --> 00:41:27,004
It's just this is
a really important case.
859
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:29,447
Ted has already lost his job,
his marriage has been annulled.
860
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,807
I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.
861
00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:34,088
Right. You see, the thing is, we
don't want to take any chances
862
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,128
because the stakes
are so significant.
863
00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:37,401
We can't just
rush into anything.
864
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:38,925
We got to make sure we're
making the right decision.
865
00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,331
TED: We really
appreciate your time,
866
00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:41,640
but I think what
we're probably gonna do is
867
00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:43,245
just take a seat
and get to work.
868
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:44,321
Trust you completely.
869
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:45,811
Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.
870
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:49,201
Sorry.
871
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:50,441
You don't mind the pot,
do you?
872
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:51,647
I get migraines.
873
00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:53,165
Oh, absolutely, me, too.
That's fine.
874
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:55,886
I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the
parking lot in about 20 minutes.
875
00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:57,804
Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.
876
00:41:57,960 --> 00:41:59,485
Ted. How are ya?
877
00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:01,369
Good to meet you. John.
Nice to meet you.
878
00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:02,965
Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?
879
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:04,561
Leslie.
880
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:07,849
Oh, my God! So you're Sam L.
Jackson! (LAUGHS)
881
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:09,803
That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!
882
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:11,007
Who is that?
883
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:14,124
You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.
884
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:16,290
(lNHALING)
885
00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:18,405
That weed is really good.
886
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:19,891
It reminds me of
the strain I smoked
887
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:21,530
last summer called
"Here Comes Autism."
888
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,201
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort
of like this other batch we had called
889
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:25,930
"How Long Has
That Van Been There?"
890
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:29,528
No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home_"
891
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:31,768
You know, I'm surprised a
lawyer like you gets high.
892
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:33,205
I mean, aren't you
supposed to be fighting
893
00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:34,765
the War on Drugs
and all that shit?
894
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,968
Please, the War on Drugs is a joke.
895
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:38,411
It's just a way
for the government
896
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:39,891
to inflate law
enforcement budgets
897
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:42,611
and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.
898
00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,286
And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.
899
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:47,044
Yeah. No shit.
900
00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:49,327
They've denied you the same
rights as everybody else
901
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:50,686
just because
you're different,
902
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:53,411
and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.
903
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:56,008
So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?
904
00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:57,411
(l3ul3l3LING)
905
00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:01,131
I'm gonna try.
906
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:02,930
JOHN: Hey, guys?
907
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:05,082
(BREATHING HEAVILY) I'm having
some trouble over here.
908
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:06,361
What's the matter?
909
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:09,211
Can you help me get home?
910
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:12,248
(SOBBING) I'm having a really
hard time here, guys.
911
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:13,964
TED: Johnny, it's okay,
buddy. It's okay.
912
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:15,201
You're doing fine.
You're doing great.
913
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:16,287
No, I'm scared. All right.
914
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:18,249
I know. Come on,
it's okay, though.
915
00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:19,845
You just have to
hang onto the wall.
916
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:21,201
(HORN HONKS)
(SCREAMS)
917
00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:22,691
Don't let the goose get me!
918
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:24,531
How far away
does he live?
919
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:26,206
Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.
920
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:27,447
Fuck, okay.
921
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:30,410
Hey, it's okay.
One foot in front of the other.
922
00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:32,529
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
923
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,408
All right, I got Dred Scott v.
Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson
924
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,289
and Brown v.
the Board of Education.
925
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:49,729
I got Kramer vs- Kramer, Alien vs-
Predator, and Freddy vs- Jason-
926
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:53,088
I got, uh, Ernest Goes to
Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail
927
00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:56,448
and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.
928
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:19,843
Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions.
Are you ready?
929
00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:21,001
Yep, bring it on.
930
00:44:21,080 --> 00:44:22,730
You're on the stand,
the DA says,
931
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:24,962
"Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?"
932
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:26,166
Objection!
Sustained!
933
00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:27,241
No, the witness can't object.
934
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:28,321
Overruledl
Sidebar?
935
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:29,367
Guilty!
Speculation!
936
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:30,965
Hearsay! Briefcase!
Bailiff l Disregard!
937
00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:32,565
In my chambers!
Stop beavering the witness!
938
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:33,966
I rest.
We could totally be lawyers.
939
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:35,041
Bang.
940
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:05,931
(lNAuDIBLE)
941
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,766
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.
942
00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:10,522
Your name is Toby!
943
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,523
You're going to learn
to say your name.
944
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:14,250
Let me hear you say it.
945
00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:16,366
What's your name?
946
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:20,211
(BREATHING SHAKILY)
Kunta_ Kunta Kinte_
947
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:23,883
That's just like me.
That's exactly what I'm going through.
948
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:25,371
Well, it's
a little different.
949
00:46:25,720 --> 00:46:29,406
You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.
950
00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:32,884
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.
951
00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:34,127
Okay, what is it?
952
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:35,884
Last name
of a movie character.
953
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:37,610
BOTH: Ah!
954
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:40,729
He knows where
this is going. Okay.
955
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:42,166
All right, you ready?
Yep.
956
00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:44,402
Go! Skywalker, Solo, Vader,
Kenobi, Palpatine,
957
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,687
Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo,
Griswold, Stifler, Bickle, Gump,
958
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:48,649
Corleone, Wonka, Zhivago,
Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler,
959
00:46:48,720 --> 00:46:50,404
Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko,
Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle,
960
00:46:50,480 --> 00:46:52,209
Poppins, Bond, Blofeld,
Blutarsky, Lightyear, Soze,
961
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:53,566
O'Hara, Butler, Dufresne,
Clouseau, McFly,
962
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:55,085
Baggins, Plissken, Ventura,
Montoya, Burgundy,
963
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:56,571
Scissorhands, Drebin,
Striker, Bueller, Lector,
964
00:46:56,640 --> 00:46:58,244
Potter, Weasley, Dumbledore,
Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne,
965
00:46:58,320 --> 00:46:59,560
Von Trapp, Zoolander,
Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
966
00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:01,802
Clubber Lang. (LAUGHS)
Fucking...
967
00:47:02,080 --> 00:47:03,366
Who is Clubber Lang?
968
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:04,567
Who's Clubber Lang?
969
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:06,768
Mr. T's character
in Rocky III. Hello?
970
00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:09,083
Is that the boxing movies?
971
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:10,241
(SHOUTS) The boxing...
972
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:12,049
You've never seen Rocky?
She's not serious.
973
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:13,201
You've never seen Rocky?
974
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:14,327
You know...
975
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:16,448
(IMITATING ROCKY SOUNDTRACK)
976
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:18,847
You know, Rocky!
977
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:20,888
I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen
978
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:22,724
just because you're singing
a song I don't know.
979
00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:25,371
You don't know Samuel L.
Jackson, you don't know Rocky.
980
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:27,408
You are literally
pop culture illiterate.
981
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:28,720
I have a college degree.
982
00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:31,371
My pop culture references are
Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray.
983
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:34,922
Ever heard of any of them? No, but I'm pretty sure Mr.
T could kick their ass!
984
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,082
Yeah, Sam, you really
need to be educated.
985
00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:41,370
Oh, really? Um, can either of you
tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
986
00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:43,161
Judy Blume?
Hitler?
987
00:47:43,240 --> 00:47:44,446
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
988
00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:46,841
Who's that?
The author.
989
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,321
Why are you saying, "Fuck him"?
What?
990
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,970
You just said "Eff
Scott Fitzgerald."
991
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:52,769
What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
Yeah.
992
00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:54,490
No, that's his first name.
993
00:47:54,600 --> 00:47:56,409
His name's "Fuck
Scott Fitzgerald"?
994
00:47:56,480 --> 00:47:58,960
What? No. Well, then,
whats the "F" stand for?
995
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:00,041
Francis.
996
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:01,650
No. It's got to be "Fuck_"
It must be "Fuck_"
997
00:48:01,720 --> 00:48:03,165
It's got to be "Fuck_"
It has to be "Fuck_"
998
00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:04,526
Why the hell
would it be "Fuck"?
999
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:06,125
Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?
1000
00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:07,565
Yeah, he's hiding
something. it's "Fuck."
1001
00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:09,523
Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
it's "Fuck_"
1002
00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:11,887
(LAUGHS) That's completely
insane. You guys are idiots.
1003
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:15,009
Yeah, well, whatever.
Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.
1004
00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:20,526
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1005
00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:21,647
Yes!
1006
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:24,527
Sir?
1007
00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:27,724
Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.
1008
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:29,247
I'm busy.
1009
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:31,290
Fresh cakes!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
1010
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:33,241
What is it, Danny?
1011
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:34,771
Uh, Donny, sir.
1012
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:38,367
Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy
with the Comic Con presentation...
1013
00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:40,727
I'm told that you have an
open-door policy here at Hasbro
1014
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:43,326
for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?
1015
00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:46,129
Yeah, I suppose
that's true.
1016
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:48,686
All right, come in.
1017
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:50,330
Okay.
1018
00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:53,051
Thank you. Thank you.
I love your dress.
1019
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,843
(GIGGLING)
I love these things!
1020
00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:01,245
Look at this!
1021
00:49:02,040 --> 00:49:03,166
Oh!
1022
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:07,521
Don't touch my pony.
Sorry.
1023
00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:11,886
Mr. Jessup,
1024
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:14,481
I can make this company
a billion dollars.
1025
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:16,041
I'm listening.
1026
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:18,207
Thirty years ago,
1027
00:49:18,360 --> 00:49:20,681
a little boy named
John Bennett made a wish
1028
00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:23,001
that his teddy bear
would come to life.
1029
00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:25,447
Somehow, one of
our Hasbro bears...
1030
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:27,204
Yes, I'm aware
of the story.
1031
00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:30,769
Have you seen this?
1032
00:49:31,320 --> 00:49:32,924
(slGHs)
1033
00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:37,001
So what?
1034
00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:40,289
Well, Ted is suing
for his civil rights.
1035
00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:43,330
If he loses, the state
will officially declare him
1036
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:46,051
a non-entity with
no rights under the law.
1037
00:49:46,560 --> 00:49:48,688
That means
he becomes property.
1038
00:49:49,160 --> 00:49:50,321
Mr. Jessup,
1039
00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:55,570
we could take him back, with only a
trivial degree of legal consequence
1040
00:49:55,640 --> 00:49:57,210
if we were even caught.
1041
00:49:57,400 --> 00:49:59,004
And why would
we do this?
1042
00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:04,086
Sir, if we could cut him open
to see what makes him tick,
1043
00:50:04,240 --> 00:50:08,404
we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.
1044
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:11,091
Hasbro would double
its profits overnight.
1045
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:13,207
Go on.
1046
00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:16,085
We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.
1047
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:19,369
You use every back channel,
every bribe,
1048
00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:20,720
you call in every favor
1049
00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:25,124
and you get the best lawyer
in the world on the defense.
1050
00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:28,649
When Ted's rights
are officially null,
1051
00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:31,565
we grab him.
1052
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:36,083
No one's going to kick up a
legal fuss over property.
1053
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:40,009
You're a hell of a lot smarter
than your urinal cakes, Danny.
1054
00:50:40,440 --> 00:50:41,646
Really?
1055
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:44,121
Now, what exactly
do you want from this?
1056
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:47,605
Mr. Jessup, I'm not
interested in money.
1057
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:52,367
I just want a Ted
for my very own.
1058
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:56,649
All right.
I think I can handle the defense.
1059
00:50:57,640 --> 00:50:59,244
But let's make
one thing clear.
1060
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:00,970
We never had
this conversation.
1061
00:51:01,240 --> 00:51:04,642
Goldner and the board cannot know
about this until we have him.
1062
00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:06,565
Do you understand?
1063
00:51:06,640 --> 00:51:08,005
(WHISPERS) Yes, I do.
1064
00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:09,925
(EXHALES)
1065
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:13,522
I need Shep Wild.
1066
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,966
SAMANTHA: That was such
a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.
1067
00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:20,923
I've never had Pringles
on my steak before.
1068
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:22,161
Oh, it's my pleasure.
1069
00:51:22,240 --> 00:51:25,642
It's the least I can do with all
you're doing for us. Really.
1070
00:51:25,720 --> 00:51:27,961
Oh, I haven't done
anything yet.
1071
00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:29,769
Well, you know, we wanted
to take you out to dinner,
1072
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:33,845
but, uh, (SIGHS) all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.
1073
00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:35,410
Things are getting
really tight, huh?
1074
00:51:35,520 --> 00:51:37,887
Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.
1075
00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:41,562
BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!
1076
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:44,450
Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!
1077
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:45,851
Get your BJs here.
1078
00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:47,406
Wow.
1079
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:48,720
Hey, listen,
I got an idea.
1080
00:51:48,800 --> 00:51:51,371
Uh, Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes
1081
00:51:51,440 --> 00:51:54,011
and give Sam and Diane
here some alone time, eh?
1082
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,527
(LAUGHS)
All right, all right.
1083
00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:59,241
Hey, you go pull
a bad back, bitch!
1084
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:02,291
What do you think
that was about?
1085
00:52:02,560 --> 00:52:04,642
Oh, it's nothing. That's his way
of saying I should ask you out.
1086
00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:05,767
Ah.
1087
00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:06,921
Uh, yeah, look...
1088
00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:09,651
We should probably focus our
attention on the case for now.
1089
00:52:09,720 --> 00:52:11,324
I completely agree.
1090
00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:16,490
You know, I am a little bit curious.
How is it that a guy like you is unattached?
1091
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:22,049
Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.
1092
00:52:22,240 --> 00:52:24,402
Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.
1093
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:28,042
No. I mean, we'd make
it work day to day,
1094
00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:30,130
but she was always
just trying to change me
1095
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:31,406
into someone I'm not.
1096
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:33,289
And I tried, you know?
1097
00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:37,567
I really tried everything I could
to be the man that she wanted.
1098
00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:41,641
One day I woke up and I just
realized I wasn't myself anymore.
1099
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:46,610
You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.
1100
00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:49,527
At least you
figured it out early.
1101
00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:51,325
Some people go through
their whole lives
1102
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,243
trying to make it work
with the wrong person.
1103
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:55,080
Yeah.
1104
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:57,811
So, we're gonna
win this thing?
1105
00:52:58,240 --> 00:53:00,129
Honestly, I don't know.
1106
00:53:00,520 --> 00:53:02,010
Oh, we're betting on you.
1107
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:05,246
Hey, Johnny, come on. it's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.
1108
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:06,606
Hey, Sam,
you want in on this?
1109
00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:07,727
What is it?
1110
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:10,804
On Tuesday nights, we get fucked
up and throw apples atjoggers
1111
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:16,047
Oh, there's one!
1112
00:53:16,120 --> 00:53:17,610
(ALL LAUGH)
1113
00:53:17,680 --> 00:53:19,091
TED: How's your workout?
JOGGER: Fuck you!
1114
00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:21,049
Eat my pussy!
Have some apples!
1115
00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:22,610
Jesus, what the hell
is your problem?
1116
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:25,327
It's everybody
else's fault, Mary Decker!
1117
00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:26,841
Bam!
1118
00:53:26,920 --> 00:53:29,082
You sons of bitches!
What the fuck is your... (GRUNTS)
1119
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:30,880
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1120
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:34,482
That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!
1121
00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:37,166
That's what you get
for fucking exercising!
1122
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:39,404
That is unbelievable!
1123
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:14,921
Teddy.
1124
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:17,445
Teddy, I'm scared.
1125
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:18,760
Baby, we're gonna be fine.
1126
00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:22,049
I don't care what any fucking piece
of paper says. You're my wife.
1127
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:24,169
I love you so much.
1128
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:25,520
And I swear to God,
if we lose,
1129
00:54:25,600 --> 00:54:27,204
I'm gonna
fucking cut thatjudge_
1130
00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:28,885
Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?
1131
00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:29,961
Yeah.
1132
00:54:30,040 --> 00:54:32,441
But they patted us down on the way in here.
Where'd you even hide it?
1133
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:33,931
Oh!
1134
00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:36,247
Hey, Sam.
1135
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:38,610
Who's that buttnut
over there?
1136
00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:44,209
That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.
1137
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,044
It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.
1138
00:54:46,720 --> 00:54:48,484
He's never lost
a casein his life.
1139
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:52,841
Mr. Wild, your opening
statement, if you please.
1140
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:54,531
Thank you, Your Honor.
1141
00:54:55,400 --> 00:54:58,210
I would first like to thank the
ladies and gentlemen of the jury
1142
00:54:58,600 --> 00:55:01,410
for taking time out
of their busy schedules
1143
00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:03,643
to be a part of
these proceedings.
1144
00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:09,325
Now, the case we'll be examining
today is really quite a simple one.
1145
00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:11,921
Is Ted a human being?
1146
00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:13,970
Or a piece of property?
1147
00:55:14,800 --> 00:55:20,603
You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.
1148
00:55:21,320 --> 00:55:25,211
It's a gift from God bestowed
upon only one species.
1149
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:26,687
Us.
1150
00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:30,130
But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,
1151
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:32,565
where does that lead us?
1152
00:55:33,240 --> 00:55:35,242
Does your dog
deserve human rights?
1153
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:37,046
Your cat?
1154
00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:38,565
Your toaster?
1155
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:39,687
(SOFT CHUCKLE)
1156
00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:44,969
Suddenly, being human doesn't
seem so special anymore, does it?
1157
00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:48,851
I'm confident you'll
make the right decision.
1158
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,645
JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.
1159
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:54,240
Ms. Jackson?
1160
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:01,366
Hi.
1161
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:04,169
I am Samantha Jackson.
1162
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:06,841
I got to be honest
with you. I'm.__
1163
00:56:07,600 --> 00:56:09,523
I'm a little nervous.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1164
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:11,684
Why am I nervous? Um...
1165
00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:16,287
Well, not because I'm a junior
attorney arguing ner first case.
1166
00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:18,564
And not because
some of you might laugh
1167
00:56:18,640 --> 00:56:21,325
at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.
1168
00:56:21,560 --> 00:56:22,800
(SOFT LAUGHTER)
1169
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:28,444
No, I'm.__ I'm nervous
because of one simple word.
1170
00:56:30,880 --> 00:56:32,120
"Justice_"
1171
00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:37,728
I'm nervous that you're
going to be swayed
1172
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:40,884
by smooth talk
and a haircut,
1173
00:56:41,160 --> 00:56:45,290
and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.
1174
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:47,846
Justice.
1175
00:56:49,560 --> 00:56:50,971
A hundred
and fifty years ago
1176
00:56:51,080 --> 00:56:53,401
a slave by the name of Dred Scott
1177
00:56:53,480 --> 00:56:57,087
sued to prove that he was a person
and not a piece of property.
1178
00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:59,010
He lost.
1179
00:56:59,240 --> 00:57:03,245
And as history has shown
us, that wasn'tjustice_
1180
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:08,211
In every
civil rights conflict,
1181
00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:12,930
we are only able to recognize
the just point of view
1182
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:14,843
years after the fact.
1183
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:17,522
And when the next
conflict comes along,
1184
00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:20,684
we're once again blind
to it as it's happening.
1185
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:25,127
"Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.
1186
00:57:26,280 --> 00:57:29,443
It is the same beast, just
wearing a different face,
1187
00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:31,170
and it's happening
again today.
1188
00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:35,923
So I urge you, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
1189
00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:39,209
not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.
1190
00:57:41,880 --> 00:57:44,042
Don't wait too long
to be right.
1191
00:57:45,720 --> 00:57:46,801
Thank you.
1192
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:51,881
Erection.
1193
00:57:52,040 --> 00:57:53,610
Sustained.
1194
00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:59,244
Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.
1195
00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:00,367
Is that correct?
1196
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:01,767
Yeah.
1197
00:58:02,200 --> 00:58:03,486
And if I may inquire,
1198
00:58:03,560 --> 00:58:05,801
why did you not choose to
have a child of your own?
1199
00:58:06,520 --> 00:58:08,045
Because Teddy
ain't got no dick.
1200
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:09,771
(LAUGHTER)
1201
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:12,847
Uh-huh.
1202
00:58:12,920 --> 00:58:17,608
And, uh, why does Ted not
possess a, uh, male appendage?
1203
00:58:18,080 --> 00:58:19,445
Is it a freak of genetics?
1204
00:58:19,760 --> 00:58:22,161
No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!
1205
00:58:22,240 --> 00:58:23,287
What's your excuse?
1206
00:58:23,400 --> 00:58:25,050
Whoa-ho! Take a burn!
1207
00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:27,600
Yeah! How's your tongue taste
in your own ass, Poindexter?
1208
00:58:27,680 --> 00:58:28,886
Yeah! How'd you...
What?
1209
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,729
(GAVEL BANGS)
Order!
1210
00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:33,001
Mr. Bennett,
1211
00:58:33,600 --> 00:58:36,763
how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?
1212
00:58:37,680 --> 00:58:38,920
He's my best friend.
1213
00:58:39,360 --> 00:58:41,442
So you don't see him
as your property.
1214
00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:44,411
No, he's not my property.
He's a person.
1215
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,482
He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.
1216
00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:47,971
I mean,
fucking Steven Tyler?
1217
00:58:48,040 --> 00:58:49,280
What the fuck is that?
Some kind of
1218
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:50,964
weird soccer-mom-looking
Goonie monster?
1219
00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:52,530
Your Honor?
I'll allow it.
1220
00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:54,325
Thank you, Your Honor.
1221
00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:56,445
Your witness.
1222
00:58:56,960 --> 00:58:58,291
(CLEARS THROAT)
1223
00:58:59,960 --> 00:59:01,166
Mr. Bennett,
1224
00:59:02,040 --> 00:59:04,281
when and where did
you first encounter Ted?
1225
00:59:04,800 --> 00:59:07,121
Oh, what do you mean?
My parents got him for me when I was a kid.
1226
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:09,322
A-ha. They "got him."
1227
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,291
Where did they get him?
1228
00:59:15,120 --> 00:59:16,406
Child World toy store.
1229
00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:18,403
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?
1230
00:59:18,480 --> 00:59:20,084
Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.
1231
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:21,565
Tnere's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.
1232
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:22,926
Why? Nobody here likes you!
1233
00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:25,082
I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!
1234
00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:26,241
Your Honor?
Mr. Bennett.
1235
00:59:26,320 --> 00:59:27,685
I hope your kids
get bird flu!
1236
00:59:27,800 --> 00:59:28,801
Mr. Bennett!
1237
00:59:28,880 --> 00:59:29,927
I'm sorry.
1238
00:59:30,160 --> 00:59:33,209
Now, you said your
parents purchased Ted,
1239
00:59:33,360 --> 00:59:36,648
as one might purchase a
baseball glove or a Big Wheel.
1240
00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:37,921
No, it's not like that!
1241
00:59:38,000 --> 00:59:39,001
Objection!
1242
00:59:39,080 --> 00:59:40,286
You can't do that!
1243
00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:41,566
You know what?
This is bullshit!
1244
00:59:41,680 --> 00:59:43,409
This court is
trying to tell me
1245
00:59:43,480 --> 00:59:44,891
that I'm not as good
as other people,
1246
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:47,162
and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!
1247
00:59:47,240 --> 00:59:48,241
Ted!
1248
00:59:48,320 --> 00:59:49,287
Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homes.
1249
00:59:49,360 --> 00:59:50,930
This is exactly
what you've been doing
1250
00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:52,525
to the homos,
and I say it's wrong!
1251
00:59:52,600 --> 00:59:55,171
Ms. Jackson,
please control your client
1252
00:59:55,240 --> 00:59:57,368
or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!
1253
00:59:57,440 --> 00:59:58,521
Oh, piss off!
1254
00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:01,285
I'm standing up for me and I'm
standing up for the homos!
1255
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:02,441
We deserve respect!
1256
01:00:02,520 --> 01:00:03,521
Ted, shut up!
1257
01:00:03,640 --> 01:00:04,880
Fine.
1258
01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:07,568
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS)
1259
01:00:14,160 --> 01:00:16,606
Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.
1260
01:00:16,680 --> 01:00:17,681
Yes!
1261
01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:19,968
My turn, assholes!
1262
01:00:25,160 --> 01:00:26,207
Ted,
1263
01:00:26,960 --> 01:00:28,166
do you love your wife?
1264
01:00:28,240 --> 01:00:31,369
Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.
1265
01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:33,045
I'll rephrase.
1266
01:00:34,160 --> 01:00:35,650
Do you love Tami-Lynn?
1267
01:00:36,040 --> 01:00:39,123
I love my wife. Okay?
My wife.
1268
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:40,645
More than anything
in the world.
1269
01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:42,927
We're married.
I don't care what anybody says.
1270
01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:46,887
So you're saying you are
capable of feeling love.
1271
01:00:47,280 --> 01:00:48,441
Yeah.
1272
01:00:48,760 --> 01:00:50,410
Hey, it must be weird
for you guys,
1273
01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:51,845
having a doll up here
on the stand
1274
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:54,167
with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?
1275
01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:55,361
(CHUCKLES)
1276
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:56,601
Yeah, no, yeah, no.
1277
01:00:56,680 --> 01:00:59,650
Yeah, I am capable.
I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.
1278
01:01:00,240 --> 01:01:04,370
Ted, do you believe
you have a soul?
1279
01:01:05,760 --> 01:01:08,127
(SINGING) what did you think
1280
01:01:08,560 --> 01:01:11,131
I would do at this moment
1281
01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:14,444
When you're standing before me
1282
01:01:14,520 --> 01:01:17,205
With tears in your eyes
1283
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:19,365
That answer your question?
1284
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:20,885
Objection. Your Honor?
1285
01:01:21,080 --> 01:01:22,844
(SINGSONGY) Overruledl
1286
01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:26,163
A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.
1287
01:01:26,440 --> 01:01:28,283
Ted. Right, right.
Sorry, sorry.
1288
01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:32,489
Look, I'm not
a scientist, okay?
1289
01:01:33,120 --> 01:01:36,442
I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.
1290
01:01:36,600 --> 01:01:39,080
All I know is I feel stuff.
1291
01:01:39,560 --> 01:01:40,971
Just like all you guys.
1292
01:01:42,040 --> 01:01:44,441
And I don't think I ought to
be treated any different.
1293
01:01:48,440 --> 01:01:49,965
Capable of love.
1294
01:01:51,120 --> 01:01:53,168
Aware of his
own consciousness.
1295
01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:57,689
Seems pretty human to me.
1296
01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,563
No further questions.
1297
01:02:01,240 --> 01:02:02,321
Mr. Kidder,
1298
01:02:02,560 --> 01:02:06,804
you were an employee at Hasbro from
1976 to 1998. Is that correct?
1299
01:02:06,960 --> 01:02:09,884
Yes, I supervised the
stuffing of the teddy bears.
1300
01:02:10,360 --> 01:02:11,885
And what is that
stuffing made of?
1301
01:02:11,960 --> 01:02:14,406
A synthetic
cotton-poly blend.
1302
01:02:14,560 --> 01:02:16,244
Is there anything else
in there?
1303
01:02:16,560 --> 01:02:20,485
The bear products are affixed with
an electronic device in the chest
1304
01:02:20,840 --> 01:02:23,969
which can be programmed to
say any one of five phrases.
1305
01:02:25,480 --> 01:02:26,481
Hmm.
1306
01:02:29,560 --> 01:02:30,686
Ted,
1307
01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:33,409
would you please
press your chest?
1308
01:02:35,640 --> 01:02:36,687
What?
1309
01:02:37,120 --> 01:02:39,851
Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.
1310
01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:46,525
TED TOY VOICE:
I love you!
1311
01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:48,086
(CROWD MURMUR)
1312
01:02:56,880 --> 01:02:58,291
No further questions.
1313
01:03:01,040 --> 01:03:02,883
FEMALE NEWSCASTER: Also in the
news, a pending court case
1314
01:03:03,000 --> 01:03:05,048
is beginning to get
national attention
1315
01:03:05,120 --> 01:03:07,088
for its civil
rights ramifications.
1316
01:03:07,200 --> 01:03:09,089
Ted, the bean
who some of you may remember
1317
01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:12,687
came to life back in the
mid-'80s right here in Boston,
1318
01:03:12,840 --> 01:03:15,844
is suing to prove
he is indeed a person.
1319
01:03:16,120 --> 01:03:18,646
Okay, so what are we
even talking about here?
1320
01:03:18,720 --> 01:03:22,611
What we're talking about is a civil rights issue.
This bear has rights.
1321
01:03:22,680 --> 01:03:24,648
Oh, come on! He does not!
He's a toy.
1322
01:03:24,720 --> 01:03:26,210
Then why are you
calling it a "he"?
1323
01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:28,641
Look, we call the Statue
of Liberty "she,"
1324
01:03:28,720 --> 01:03:32,042
but we all know it's an object
made of copper and steel.
1325
01:03:32,160 --> 01:03:33,207
Oh, good point.
1326
01:03:33,240 --> 01:03:36,642
Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient.
He is. Mmm-hmm.
1327
01:03:37,080 --> 01:03:38,081
(SCOFFS)
Now, come on!
1328
01:03:38,200 --> 01:03:39,770
Are any of you gonna
sit there and tell me
1329
01:03:39,880 --> 01:03:41,484
that this stuffed
doll is a person?
1330
01:03:41,560 --> 01:03:42,607
No.
Not at all.
1331
01:03:42,720 --> 01:03:43,926
We all agree
all the time.
1332
01:03:44,200 --> 01:03:45,850
So, of course,
the big story out of Boston
1333
01:03:45,920 --> 01:03:48,969
is that Ted, the bean is suing
to prove that he's a person.
1334
01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:51,448
Legal experts are closely
watching this case.
1335
01:03:51,560 --> 01:03:52,925
They said if Ted wins,
1336
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:55,805
Donald Trump's hair would look to
quickly file a similar lawsuit.
1337
01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:59,402
So, I think
it might be real.
1338
01:03:59,560 --> 01:04:01,847
I don't think he should want
to be considered a person.
1339
01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:03,809
After all, you know,
Ted spent many years
1340
01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:05,684
sleeping and cuddling
with a child.
1341
01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:07,603
That's cute when
you're a stuffed animal.
1342
01:04:07,720 --> 01:04:09,688
When you're a person,
that's a felony.
1343
01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:11,285
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1344
01:04:11,560 --> 01:04:13,050
This sounds like
a silly case,
1345
01:04:13,160 --> 01:04:15,208
but this is actually
a really big case.
1346
01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:16,884
The last time
someone named Ted
1347
01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:18,610
made this much news
in Massachusetts,
1348
01:04:18,760 --> 01:04:20,569
he drove a chick
into a lake.
1349
01:04:22,760 --> 01:04:25,684
Ted, do you have anything
to say in your own defense?
1350
01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:30,449
I am not an animal!
1351
01:04:30,920 --> 01:04:32,410
(LAUGHTER)
1352
01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:35,240
You see, Your Honor?
1353
01:04:35,320 --> 01:04:36,685
He's not an animal.
1354
01:04:37,040 --> 01:04:38,041
(sNIFFLEs)
1355
01:04:38,280 --> 01:04:39,691
01:04:47,611
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.
1357
01:04:48,240 --> 01:04:53,770
And live from New York, it's
Saturday Night! (APPLAUSE)
1358
01:04:54,360 --> 01:04:56,408
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1359
01:05:11,280 --> 01:05:13,203
What is taking
them so long?
1360
01:05:13,280 --> 01:05:15,089
Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?
1361
01:05:15,160 --> 01:05:16,810
It's not good or bad.
It just means
1362
01:05:16,880 --> 01:05:18,325
that they're probably
having a debate.
1363
01:05:18,800 --> 01:05:21,167
Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.
1364
01:05:21,240 --> 01:05:22,241
What do you mean?
1365
01:05:22,320 --> 01:05:23,924
I mean saying his
name three times.
1366
01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:25,047
What?
1367
01:05:25,120 --> 01:05:26,281
Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.
1368
01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:27,481
Shut up!
1369
01:05:27,640 --> 01:05:28,880
You fucking crazy?
We don't want
1370
01:05:28,960 --> 01:05:30,121
that guy running
around in here.
1371
01:05:30,200 --> 01:05:31,406
No, Johnny,
he'll be on our side.
1372
01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:32,811
He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...
1373
01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:35,486
You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.
1374
01:05:35,560 --> 01:05:36,641
Cut the shit.
1375
01:05:37,040 --> 01:05:38,610
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
1376
01:05:48,840 --> 01:05:49,921
Please be seated.
1377
01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:55,565
Mr. Wilier, has the jury
reached a verdict?
1378
01:05:55,840 --> 01:05:57,683
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
(CLEARS THROAT)
1379
01:05:58,320 --> 01:06:02,405
Um, in the case of Ted v.
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
1380
01:06:02,560 --> 01:06:07,851
we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.
1381
01:06:08,320 --> 01:06:09,651
(CROWD lvluRlvluRING)
1382
01:06:16,520 --> 01:06:17,521
(slGHs)
1383
01:06:18,080 --> 01:06:19,650
(GAVEL BANGING)
1384
01:06:20,160 --> 01:06:21,207
JUDGE: Very well.
1385
01:06:21,400 --> 01:06:24,244
The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.
1386
01:06:24,760 --> 01:06:27,366
The definition entails
the rights thereof
1387
01:06:27,440 --> 01:06:29,920
and will be recognized
in the terms set
1388
01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:32,367
by the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts.
1389
01:06:32,440 --> 01:06:35,523
The court wishes to thank
the jury for its service.
1390
01:06:42,720 --> 01:06:44,643
Are you sure
you can get him?
1391
01:06:44,800 --> 01:06:46,723
Remember, you're
on your own out there.
1392
01:06:46,800 --> 01:06:48,689
Hasbro can have
no connection to this.
1393
01:06:48,840 --> 01:06:50,365
Oh, I'll get him.
1394
01:06:50,800 --> 01:06:52,882
And when I have him, I'll call
you with the code phrase.
1395
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:55,850
Do you remember what it is?
1396
01:06:56,240 --> 01:06:57,446
Yes, I remember it.
1397
01:06:57,600 --> 01:06:58,840
Should we say it
just for safety?
1398
01:06:58,920 --> 01:06:59,921
No, that's not necessary.
1399
01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:00,967
Say it. Just say it.
Say it.
1400
01:07:01,040 --> 01:07:02,246
I don't want to.
I don't have to.
1401
01:07:02,360 --> 01:07:03,407
Fresh cakes.
1402
01:07:04,320 --> 01:07:05,560
Fresh cakes.
1403
01:07:14,080 --> 01:07:16,003
(SNIFFLING) This isn't fucking fair.
1404
01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:18,003
Teddy's a good man.
1405
01:07:18,400 --> 01:07:20,971
Why is he being treated
differently than everybody else?
1406
01:07:21,360 --> 01:07:23,601
(SCOFFS) it's what
this country does best.
1407
01:07:23,680 --> 01:07:25,682
Putting different people
into little groups
1408
01:07:25,760 --> 01:07:27,125
and making them
watch Tyler Perry.
1409
01:07:27,200 --> 01:07:28,406
It's wrong!
1410
01:07:29,800 --> 01:07:31,165
I'm so sorry, baby.
1411
01:07:31,440 --> 01:07:34,762
No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.
1412
01:07:34,960 --> 01:07:36,007
It's just...
1413
01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:38,367
The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.
1414
01:07:38,480 --> 01:07:39,527
Hey, come on.
1415
01:07:39,600 --> 01:07:42,285
Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.
1416
01:07:42,400 --> 01:07:44,448
(SIGHS) I... I'm sitting here
1417
01:07:44,520 --> 01:07:46,841
and I...
I can't believe it's official.
1418
01:07:47,320 --> 01:07:48,845
Oh, so what are
we gonna do now?
1419
01:07:48,960 --> 01:07:51,770
I mean, we can't take this lying down, right?
We got to do something.
1420
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:55,291
You know what We're gonna do?
We're gonna call Patrick Nleighan.
1421
01:07:55,440 --> 01:07:56,521
Who's that?
1422
01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:59,491
He is the top civil rights
attorney in America.
1423
01:07:59,600 --> 01:08:02,046
Wait. Is he the one who got that
female midget into the Marines?
1424
01:08:02,120 --> 01:08:03,121
Yeah.
1425
01:08:03,200 --> 01:08:04,531
Yeah, that had a sad ending
though, you remember?
1426
01:08:04,640 --> 01:08:06,005
She was at
a Veterans Day parade,
1427
01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:07,320
and somebody handed ner
a bunch of balloons
1428
01:08:07,400 --> 01:08:08,606
and... (WHOOSHES)
Gone!
1429
01:08:08,800 --> 01:08:10,768
It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.
1430
01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:13,400
You know what? If anyone can get
this verdict overturned, it's him.
1431
01:08:13,480 --> 01:08:14,561
He's not cheap,
1432
01:08:14,640 --> 01:08:16,722
but we've become such
a high profile case,
1433
01:08:16,800 --> 01:08:19,041
I feel like he might
take it pro bono.
1434
01:08:19,120 --> 01:08:20,565
He's a sucker for media.
1435
01:08:24,360 --> 01:08:26,089
Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer, huh?
1436
01:08:26,160 --> 01:08:27,650
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1437
01:08:28,800 --> 01:08:31,406
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Nleighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.
1438
01:08:31,480 --> 01:08:34,802
I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted v. Massachusetts.
1439
01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:36,721
Hey!
1440
01:08:36,840 --> 01:08:40,890
Hi, Mr. Nleighan.
Thank you so much for taking my call.
1441
01:08:41,520 --> 01:08:42,567
(JOHN GRUNTING)
1442
01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:45,411
Oh, you've been following
the case. That's great.
1443
01:08:46,440 --> 01:08:48,329
Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1444
01:08:48,400 --> 01:08:50,243
Yeah, I was wondering
1445
01:08:50,320 --> 01:08:54,689
if, um, maybe you would consider helping
us try to overturn the verdict.
1446
01:08:56,560 --> 01:09:00,531
Well, yeah. I mean, it would
have to be a pro bono situation
1447
01:09:00,600 --> 01:09:02,762
because we're not really
working with much money.
1448
01:09:02,840 --> 01:09:05,047
But I think you'll be
impressed with my client.
1449
01:09:05,160 --> 01:09:06,924
Oh! Ha-ha!
Ivlotherfuckerl
1450
01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:08,286
Sure.
1451
01:09:08,360 --> 01:09:11,648
Yeah, great.
Okay. Thank you so much!
1452
01:09:11,720 --> 01:09:14,087
Okay,Nlseeyou
then.Bye.
1453
01:09:14,360 --> 01:09:15,521
Oh, my God!
1454
01:09:15,600 --> 01:09:17,489
He said he'll meet with
us on Friday at 9:00 a.m.
1455
01:09:17,560 --> 01:09:19,005
At his office in New York.
1456
01:09:19,080 --> 01:09:20,286
Is he gonna take the case?
1457
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:22,408
I don't want tojinx it,
but I think so.
1458
01:09:22,560 --> 01:09:24,722
Oh, my God!
You hear that, Johnny? (LAUGHS)
1459
01:09:24,800 --> 01:09:26,006
I still get a shot!
JOHN: Yes!
1460
01:09:26,080 --> 01:09:27,730
Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!
1461
01:09:27,880 --> 01:09:28,961
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
1462
01:09:29,040 --> 01:09:31,361
Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?
1463
01:09:31,440 --> 01:09:32,487
Fuck yeah!
1464
01:09:32,560 --> 01:09:35,564
So first we need a historical event.
Wno's got an event?
1465
01:09:35,720 --> 01:09:36,721
TED: 9/11.
1466
01:09:36,880 --> 01:09:39,406
(STUTTERS) Okay,
maybe something else.
1467
01:09:39,560 --> 01:09:41,130
All right, let's start with a person.
1468
01:09:41,200 --> 01:09:42,326
JOHN: Robin Williams!
1469
01:09:42,480 --> 01:09:45,689
Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?
1470
01:09:45,760 --> 01:09:47,649
TED: Robin Williams on 9/11.
1471
01:09:47,720 --> 01:09:49,484
All right, we've heard
from these guys.
1472
01:09:49,560 --> 01:09:52,325
Let's maybe give somebody
else over here a chance.
1473
01:09:52,400 --> 01:09:54,209
How about a location?
Let's go with a location.
1474
01:09:54,280 --> 01:09:56,248
TED: The offices
of Charlie Hebdo.
1475
01:09:56,520 --> 01:09:59,410
Okay, seriously, sir, uh,
I just need a location.
1476
01:09:59,480 --> 01:10:00,686
JOHN: Ferguson, Missouri.
1477
01:10:00,800 --> 01:10:02,165
TED: Germanwings cockpit.
1478
01:10:02,320 --> 01:10:04,288
Okay, I heard "Starbucks"
TED: No, you didn't.
1479
01:10:04,360 --> 01:10:05,521
JOHN: Nobody said "Starbucks"
1480
01:10:05,600 --> 01:10:08,763
All right, Starbucks.
Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?
1481
01:10:08,920 --> 01:10:10,081
TED: Bill Cosby.
1482
01:10:10,240 --> 01:10:11,401
You people are monsters.
1483
01:10:11,680 --> 01:10:13,170
JOHN: We're giving you
the tools, buddy.
1484
01:10:13,240 --> 01:10:14,765
Come on,
make some fucking comedy.
1485
01:10:26,080 --> 01:10:28,162
All right.
We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
1486
01:10:28,320 --> 01:10:30,322
I love you so much, Teddy.
1487
01:10:30,480 --> 01:10:33,802
You go kick some ass because I am
not taking off this wedding ring.
1488
01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:37,129
I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.
1489
01:11:12,160 --> 01:11:14,288
(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON STEREO)
1490
01:11:21,680 --> 01:11:23,682
(SINGING) If you wanna sit
there with a pie of meat
1491
01:11:23,800 --> 01:11:26,007
Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat
1492
01:11:26,080 --> 01:11:28,890
Oh, why can't you
just say please?
1493
01:11:28,960 --> 01:11:31,440
Hey! Must be the money
1494
01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:34,766
Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel
bag that says "Arizona State"?
1495
01:11:34,840 --> 01:11:36,205
Because that's
where I went to school.
1496
01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:38,368
What, you went
to Arizona State?
1497
01:11:38,480 --> 01:11:39,481
Yeah, why?
1498
01:11:39,560 --> 01:11:41,608
Oh, man, that's why we lost the case.
1499
01:11:41,680 --> 01:11:42,761
Hello?
You're dicks.
1500
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:46,083
Arizona State. Hey, now many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?
1501
01:11:46,200 --> 01:11:48,168
(LAuGHING)
(LAUGHING)
1502
01:11:48,280 --> 01:11:49,361
Oh, come on.
1503
01:11:49,440 --> 01:11:50,601
Did you write
your dissertation
1504
01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:53,001
on the collected
works of, uh, Red Bull?
1505
01:11:53,200 --> 01:11:55,202
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
I got an A on it.
1506
01:11:55,440 --> 01:11:59,570
TED: So do you say "Arizona State
University" or do you just say "HPVU"?
1507
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:06,971
This is perfect.
We're gonna get to the city before 10:00.
1508
01:12:07,360 --> 01:12:09,169
Hey, Sam,
how's your boring salad?
1509
01:12:09,240 --> 01:12:10,730
Mmm, it's actually delicious.
1510
01:12:10,880 --> 01:12:12,803
Everybody always says
that about their salad.
1511
01:12:12,880 --> 01:12:14,120
They're all
a bunch of fucking liars.
1512
01:12:14,280 --> 01:12:16,169
No, I love it.
it's really good.
1513
01:12:16,240 --> 01:12:18,607
Have some Cookie Crisp.
You need something nutritional.
1514
01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:20,051
Why do you think
I want your Cookie Crisp?
1515
01:12:20,120 --> 01:12:21,884
Because you've been staring
at it, and you want it.
1516
01:12:22,040 --> 01:12:24,884
Hey, what's the deal here?
You guys ever gonna make out or what?
1517
01:12:25,200 --> 01:12:26,486
Teddy, come on, dude!
1518
01:12:26,560 --> 01:12:29,803
No, I'm just saying.
You look like you're hitting it off, you know?
1519
01:12:30,040 --> 01:12:31,769
Sam, you dig him, right?
1520
01:12:33,760 --> 01:12:34,807
MAN: Hey!
1521
01:12:34,880 --> 01:12:36,769
Where the hell's my coffee?
I've been waiting for 10 minutes.
1522
01:12:36,840 --> 01:12:39,081
I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot.
I'll get it right away.
1523
01:12:39,200 --> 01:12:42,010
Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not
building rockets. Figure it out!
1524
01:12:42,560 --> 01:12:44,005
What a prick!
1525
01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:47,091
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.
1526
01:12:47,240 --> 01:12:48,401
Wait, let me try.
1527
01:12:48,560 --> 01:12:50,961
I used to pitch for the
softball team at Arizona State.
1528
01:12:51,040 --> 01:12:52,929
Oh, yeah?
Was your mascot a broken condom?
1529
01:12:53,160 --> 01:12:54,491
Shut up.
1530
01:12:55,240 --> 01:12:57,004
Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
1531
01:12:57,080 --> 01:12:58,844
Who did that?
1532
01:12:59,080 --> 01:13:01,845
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!
1533
01:13:01,920 --> 01:13:03,684
Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.
1534
01:13:03,760 --> 01:13:06,525
I swear to God, I'll kick
your goddamn ass! Who was it?
1535
01:13:06,600 --> 01:13:09,524
Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.
1536
01:13:09,720 --> 01:13:10,960
(IN l 01:13:12,127
Sovvvvy, sir.
1538
01:13:12,280 --> 01:13:14,681
Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.
I'm sovvvvy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1539
01:13:15,280 --> 01:13:18,602
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.
1540
01:13:19,080 --> 01:13:21,208
Oh, my God.
Now we're even bigger assholes.
1541
01:13:21,280 --> 01:13:22,964
Go get my Cookie
Crisp out of his ass.
1542
01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:24,406
You guys making
trouble over here?
1543
01:13:24,480 --> 01:13:26,164
Uh, no, ma'am_ We're just
minding our business.
1544
01:13:26,480 --> 01:13:28,608
Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?
1545
01:13:29,360 --> 01:13:30,805
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
1546
01:13:31,200 --> 01:13:32,201
Oh.
1547
01:13:32,600 --> 01:13:33,840
Good.
1548
01:13:34,120 --> 01:13:35,531
We'll just get the check.
Thanks.
1549
01:13:35,640 --> 01:13:36,926
Of course.
1550
01:13:39,240 --> 01:13:40,241
TED: Oh, my God.
1551
01:13:40,320 --> 01:13:43,290
John, did you see that?
She was totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.
1552
01:13:43,560 --> 01:13:44,561
No, she wasn't_
1553
01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:45,971
She was giving you
the fuck-me eyes.
1554
01:13:46,120 --> 01:13:47,360
What are the fuck-me eyes?
1555
01:13:47,520 --> 01:13:50,000
Some women just
have fuck-me eyes.
1556
01:13:50,480 --> 01:13:51,720
Do I have fuck-me eyes?
1557
01:13:51,800 --> 01:13:54,246
No, you have "Give us the
ring, my precious" eyes.
1558
01:13:54,800 --> 01:13:55,801
We better get going.
1559
01:13:55,880 --> 01:13:57,882
We got two hours of driving
left and I'm kind of beat.
1560
01:13:57,960 --> 01:13:59,644
Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.
1561
01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:01,643
I'll drive.
You can take a nap.
1562
01:14:01,800 --> 01:14:03,006
You don't have a license.
1563
01:14:03,520 --> 01:14:04,760
Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive
1564
01:14:04,840 --> 01:14:06,251
every once in a while
when he's too hammered.
1565
01:14:06,360 --> 01:14:07,361
I'm a fucking pro!
1566
01:14:08,040 --> 01:14:09,201
Besides,
1567
01:14:09,320 --> 01:14:11,846
I've been Kicked around
a lot this week. I just...
1568
01:14:12,160 --> 01:14:14,003
I want to feel useful,
you know?
1569
01:14:14,560 --> 01:14:15,721
Twenty minutes
behind the wheel.
1570
01:14:15,840 --> 01:14:16,887
Yay!
1571
01:14:35,360 --> 01:14:36,725
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
1572
01:14:59,160 --> 01:15:01,367
(TIREs sCREECHING)
(HORN HONKING)
1573
01:15:24,720 --> 01:15:26,290
(Lll=>-sYNCHING To SONG)
1574
01:15:36,640 --> 01:15:37,846
(SONG ENDS)
1575
01:15:38,840 --> 01:15:40,410
Ah! Ah!
Shit, Shit, Shit!
1576
01:15:41,800 --> 01:15:42,926
(TIREs sCREECHING)
1577
01:15:48,760 --> 01:15:49,761
(HORN HoNKING)
1578
01:16:11,040 --> 01:16:12,280
What the fuck?
1579
01:16:12,360 --> 01:16:14,840
Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?
1580
01:16:28,040 --> 01:16:29,849
(STUTTERS) Hey, listen,
Sam, I'm real sorry.
1581
01:16:29,920 --> 01:16:31,649
That barn just
came out of nowhere.
1582
01:16:31,720 --> 01:16:34,041
No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...
1583
01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,770
I should never
have let you drive.
1584
01:16:35,840 --> 01:16:37,444
Yeah. You were wrong.
1585
01:16:37,520 --> 01:16:39,124
You were wrong to do that.
Yeah.
1586
01:16:39,240 --> 01:16:43,165
But that and the trial are the only
two things you fucked up. So, uh...
1587
01:16:43,960 --> 01:16:45,724
I can't see shit
in there.
1588
01:16:45,800 --> 01:16:47,882
We're gonna have to wait till
tomorrow to get the car out.
1589
01:16:48,240 --> 01:16:50,811
Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?
1590
01:16:51,000 --> 01:16:53,526
Yeah, it'll be fine.
We just got to find some firewood.
1591
01:17:04,480 --> 01:17:05,561
What the hell?
1592
01:17:09,040 --> 01:17:10,280
(sNIFFs)
1593
01:17:11,600 --> 01:17:13,762
Holy shit! Hey, Ted!
1594
01:17:14,800 --> 01:17:18,009
You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.
1595
01:17:18,080 --> 01:17:19,206
It's a really rare strain.
1596
01:17:19,320 --> 01:17:21,527
It's a cross between Lemon
Skunk and Super Silver Haze.
1597
01:17:21,840 --> 01:17:22,887
It's totally potent.
1598
01:17:22,960 --> 01:17:24,291
I've only had it
once in my life
1599
01:17:24,360 --> 01:17:25,850
and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.
1600
01:17:26,040 --> 01:17:27,280
What the hell is
a leaf of this stuff
1601
01:17:27,360 --> 01:17:28,521
doing out in
the middle of a...
1602
01:17:39,680 --> 01:17:41,682
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
1603
01:17:57,880 --> 01:18:00,690
Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
1604
01:18:01,640 --> 01:18:03,244
(SOBS) So beautiful.
1605
01:18:04,480 --> 01:18:06,164
It's so beautiful.
1606
01:18:06,800 --> 01:18:08,290
No words.
1607
01:18:09,240 --> 01:18:11,481
No words. (SNIFFLES)
1608
01:18:11,560 --> 01:18:13,562
They should've sent
a poet.
1609
01:18:20,920 --> 01:18:22,763
They're moving in herds.
1610
01:18:23,640 --> 01:18:25,563
They do move in herds.
1611
01:18:29,720 --> 01:18:32,485
Please tell me that's not the only
bong you brought on this trip.
1612
01:18:32,600 --> 01:18:35,524
TED: Yeah, Sam. This puts us in
kind of an awkward position, here.
1613
01:18:35,600 --> 01:18:37,045
I mean, we wanna
get high, too.
1614
01:18:37,120 --> 01:18:38,485
I don't have any
papers or nothing.
1615
01:18:38,600 --> 01:18:41,490
Is this hilarious?
I got it at a bachelorette party.
1616
01:18:41,760 --> 01:18:42,761
01:18:44,683
it's so stupid.
Here, try it.
1618
01:18:44,760 --> 01:18:45,841
Uh, no.
1619
01:18:45,920 --> 01:18:46,967
Why?
1620
01:18:47,040 --> 01:18:49,520
I don't wanna put a big
glass cock in my mouth.
1621
01:18:49,600 --> 01:18:50,965
Oh, you think
this is big?
1622
01:18:51,200 --> 01:18:52,201
01:18:53,884
Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.
1624
01:18:53,960 --> 01:18:54,927
This is all I brought.
1625
01:18:55,040 --> 01:18:56,849
How about this?
I'm gonna go check out the barn
1626
01:18:56,960 --> 01:18:58,962
and I'm gonna see if I can
find a soda can or something
1627
01:18:59,040 --> 01:19:00,201
for us to make an actual bong.
1628
01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:02,123
Yeah, see if you can
make a non-dick bong.
1629
01:19:02,360 --> 01:19:05,045
Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the
South Korean president. (LAUGHS)
1630
01:19:05,120 --> 01:19:06,201
Right?
1631
01:19:06,440 --> 01:19:07,726
She gets...
You get it.
1632
01:19:07,800 --> 01:19:08,801
Right? No.
1633
01:19:08,960 --> 01:19:10,007
What?
1634
01:19:10,160 --> 01:19:11,844
Okay, I'll be back.
1635
01:19:12,360 --> 01:19:13,691
Sorry.
1636
01:19:13,840 --> 01:19:16,320
No. This is nice.
1637
01:19:16,520 --> 01:19:18,329
You know?
I always wanted my ex-wife
1638
01:19:18,440 --> 01:19:20,044
to get stoned with me.
She never would.
1639
01:19:20,200 --> 01:19:21,201
Really?
1640
01:19:21,280 --> 01:19:24,204
Wow. That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.
1641
01:19:24,400 --> 01:19:25,811
I agree.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1642
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:32,371
So, you think this Ivleighan guy
is gonna help us?
1643
01:19:32,520 --> 01:19:35,364
I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...
1644
01:19:36,720 --> 01:19:38,245
But we're going
to the right place.
1645
01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:41,004
Listen, I just really
want to thank you
1646
01:19:41,080 --> 01:19:42,923
for all you've done,
all you're doing for us.
1647
01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:44,809
I know it's not
making you rich.
1648
01:19:44,880 --> 01:19:45,927
Please.
1649
01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:48,241
There are more important
things in life than money.
1650
01:19:49,680 --> 01:19:50,886
Look,
1651
01:19:51,560 --> 01:19:53,801
I don't know what
kind of mojo was in
1652
01:19:53,880 --> 01:19:55,609
that wish you made
when you were a child,
1653
01:19:55,680 --> 01:19:57,569
but this bear is alive.
1654
01:19:58,520 --> 01:20:02,570
And it seems to me that once the
law devalues one kind of life,
1655
01:20:03,160 --> 01:20:05,367
how soon before
it devalues another?
1656
01:20:05,680 --> 01:20:07,603
Who gets subjugated
after the bear?
1657
01:20:09,240 --> 01:20:11,242
You're really smart,
you know that?
1658
01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:13,806
How come
you don't have a guy?
1659
01:20:14,200 --> 01:20:16,441
Dude, have you seen
the guys in Boston?
1660
01:20:16,520 --> 01:20:18,522
I'm supposed to date
some pale, blotchy guy
1661
01:20:18,600 --> 01:20:20,523
with a wife-beater
under his Bruins jacket
1662
01:20:20,600 --> 01:20:23,046
and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf? Nope.
1663
01:20:23,120 --> 01:20:24,167
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
1664
01:20:24,240 --> 01:20:25,526
That's so dumb.
1665
01:20:26,520 --> 01:20:28,045
(GRUNTS) I Couldn't
find any cans,
1666
01:20:28,120 --> 01:20:30,805
but I got to tell you, there's
some awesome shit in that barn.
1667
01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:33,929
Take a look at this.
I found a cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.
1668
01:20:34,120 --> 01:20:35,485
Hey, be careful
with that, huh.
1669
01:20:35,680 --> 01:20:36,806
No, it's okay.
it's not loaded.
1670
01:20:38,760 --> 01:20:40,922
And my fucking nose
came off.
1671
01:20:42,440 --> 01:20:44,408
Jeez, I wonder who
this place belongs to.
1672
01:20:44,520 --> 01:20:46,488
Maybe we should find someplace else.
(PLAYS GUITAR)
1673
01:20:46,560 --> 01:20:48,562
We're in the middle
of nowhere.
1674
01:20:48,640 --> 01:20:50,688
If we get out of here by dawn,
we should be fine, right?
1675
01:20:52,920 --> 01:20:54,206
You play the guitar?
1676
01:20:55,040 --> 01:20:57,566
A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.
1677
01:21:06,920 --> 01:21:09,924
(SINGING) Mean ol' moon
1678
01:21:10,080 --> 01:21:12,401
It must be fun
1679
01:21:13,840 --> 01:21:18,971
To shine upon me
as I come undone
1680
01:21:19,600 --> 01:21:25,448
Till I'm all alone
beneath the sun
1681
01:21:25,920 --> 01:21:32,087
You mean ol' moon
1682
01:21:32,560 --> 01:21:38,010
With your beam you led the way
1683
01:21:39,440 --> 01:21:44,970
And found me love
I thought was here to stay
1684
01:21:45,200 --> 01:21:51,526
Then you went and
took my love away
1685
01:21:51,600 --> 01:21:56,811
You mean ol' moon
1686
01:21:57,440 --> 01:22:03,800
Oh, you mean ol' stars above
1687
01:22:04,320 --> 01:22:10,441
The games that
you play with me
1688
01:22:10,920 --> 01:22:15,881
I could find some happiness
1689
01:22:16,960 --> 01:22:23,002
If all of my nights
were cloudy
1690
01:22:23,400 --> 01:22:26,210
Mean ol' moon
1691
01:22:26,680 --> 01:22:29,160
I hope it's true
1692
01:22:30,600 --> 01:22:35,640
You're takin' all the light
that's left in you
1693
01:22:36,320 --> 01:22:42,601
And saving it up
for you know who
1694
01:22:42,680 --> 01:22:48,608
You mean ol' moon
1695
01:22:49,000 --> 01:22:55,690
You mean ol' moon
1696
01:23:14,200 --> 01:23:15,884
Yes!
1697
01:23:31,640 --> 01:23:32,766
You got it.
1698
01:23:33,040 --> 01:23:34,121
You got it!
1699
01:23:34,400 --> 01:23:35,890
Come on, put your legs into it.
1700
01:23:38,120 --> 01:23:39,929
There you go! Nice job!
1701
01:23:40,000 --> 01:23:41,047
Jesus.
1702
01:23:41,440 --> 01:23:42,805
So, listen, I got to ask.
1703
01:23:42,920 --> 01:23:45,969
Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?
1704
01:23:59,120 --> 01:24:00,167
How far are we?
1705
01:24:01,040 --> 01:24:03,122
I'd say we're about
an hour outside the city.
1706
01:24:03,200 --> 01:24:06,443
Fantastic. So, I'm one hour
away from being a real person.
1707
01:24:06,960 --> 01:24:08,007
MAN: Hey!
1708
01:24:08,280 --> 01:24:09,805
Who the fuck are you?
1709
01:24:10,120 --> 01:24:11,406
This is private property!
1710
01:24:11,480 --> 01:24:13,130
Get the fuck
out of the car!
1711
01:24:14,200 --> 01:24:15,326
Shit! Go, go, go!
1712
01:24:20,000 --> 01:24:21,047
(SAMANTHA SCREAMS)
1713
01:24:25,320 --> 01:24:26,321
Shit!
1714
01:24:29,080 --> 01:24:30,889
Oh, God, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, pot! Sorry!
1715
01:24:31,040 --> 01:24:32,087
I'm so sorry, pot!
1716
01:24:39,720 --> 01:24:40,767
What are you doing?
1717
01:24:40,880 --> 01:24:41,927
Seizing the day!
1718
01:24:48,320 --> 01:24:49,606
There's the road,
there, that way! Go!
1719
01:24:54,160 --> 01:24:56,527
Come on, you gotta move.
They're right on our ass. I am, I'm moving.
1720
01:25:02,680 --> 01:25:04,523
What the fuck, man?
What?
1721
01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:05,647
Are you hard?
1722
01:25:05,720 --> 01:25:07,404
Yeah, this shit
makes me hard.
1723
01:25:12,840 --> 01:25:13,841
(HORN BLARING)
1724
01:25:14,360 --> 01:25:16,169
Whoa!
BOTH: Holy shit!
1725
01:25:16,240 --> 01:25:17,401
Oh, my God,
are they okay?
1726
01:25:20,520 --> 01:25:21,931
Uh, yeah, they're fine.
They look happy.
1727
01:25:22,040 --> 01:25:23,929
Yeah, they're waving at us.
They're giving us the thumbs up.
1728
01:25:30,800 --> 01:25:33,280
Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.
1729
01:25:33,360 --> 01:25:34,646
Oh, we're gonna
smoke it, all right,
1730
01:25:34,720 --> 01:25:35,846
but just stuff it
under the seat for now.
1731
01:25:35,920 --> 01:25:36,967
We don't wanna
go to jail.
1732
01:25:37,040 --> 01:25:38,326
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1733
01:25:44,440 --> 01:25:46,249
(LIGHTER FLICKERING)
1734
01:25:47,400 --> 01:25:48,731
UNHALES)
1735
01:25:54,920 --> 01:25:55,967
(CAMERA cLICKs)
1736
01:25:56,080 --> 01:25:57,570
Oh, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
1737
01:25:57,720 --> 01:26:00,724
Hashtag "My amazing summer."
1738
01:26:00,960 --> 01:26:02,769
God damn it!
What the hell's wrong with you?
1739
01:26:02,840 --> 01:26:04,171
Oh, I fucking owe you,
you bastard.
1740
01:26:04,240 --> 01:26:05,480
What do you mean?
I was just messing around.
1741
01:26:05,560 --> 01:26:07,483
Oh, shut up
and suck that dick.
1742
01:26:07,560 --> 01:26:08,641
Oh, fuck you.
1743
01:26:09,080 --> 01:26:10,764
(BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING)
1744
01:26:33,440 --> 01:26:35,522
(SIGHS) I love New York.
1745
01:26:35,760 --> 01:26:37,364
Yeah, there's no
bullshit with these people.
1746
01:26:37,440 --> 01:26:39,966
Yeah, you always know who you're
dealing with in New York.
1747
01:26:40,200 --> 01:26:41,884
Hello, Jews!
1748
01:26:49,040 --> 01:26:50,405
IVIEN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1749
01:26:50,520 --> 01:26:52,284
Watch it. Jesus!
Watch where you're going!
1750
01:26:52,560 --> 01:26:55,040
It's a crosswalk, jackass!
We have the right of way! Yeah.
1751
01:26:55,120 --> 01:26:56,121
BOTH: Whoa!
1752
01:26:56,200 --> 01:26:58,567
Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?
1753
01:26:58,640 --> 01:27:01,689
It's Comic Con, you idiot!
We're going to the Javits Center.
1754
01:27:01,760 --> 01:27:03,125
You're the idiots,
because you three guys
1755
01:27:03,200 --> 01:27:04,486
would never be
walking together!
1756
01:27:04,560 --> 01:27:07,484
Yeah, you're his boss and
you two guys are enemies!
1757
01:27:07,560 --> 01:27:09,210
Yeah, bite me,
Captain Kirk!
1758
01:27:09,280 --> 01:27:11,009
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey!
Come on. That's Star Trek!
1759
01:27:11,120 --> 01:27:12,326
Yeah, that's two
different franchises.
1760
01:27:12,480 --> 01:27:14,050
Yeah, sorry, guys.
She doesn't know.
1761
01:27:14,120 --> 01:27:16,487
Nah, it's okay.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
1762
01:27:17,360 --> 01:27:18,930
All right, let's go.
1763
01:27:20,160 --> 01:27:21,844
Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.
1764
01:27:21,920 --> 01:27:23,490
Come on.
1765
01:27:31,960 --> 01:27:33,689
(slGHs)
1766
01:27:41,680 --> 01:27:44,331
This Patrick IVleighan's
got a classy setup, huh?
1767
01:27:44,400 --> 01:27:45,447
IVlmm.
1768
01:27:50,160 --> 01:27:52,766
And there is our
first impression.
1769
01:27:53,280 --> 01:27:55,282
Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Ivleighan will see you now.
1770
01:27:55,360 --> 01:27:56,930
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1771
01:28:03,640 --> 01:28:06,041
Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.
1772
01:28:06,600 --> 01:28:08,443
Mr. Nleighan,
this is such an honor.
1773
01:28:08,600 --> 01:28:10,204
Thank you so much
for meeting with us.
1774
01:28:10,280 --> 01:28:12,521
Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.
1775
01:28:12,760 --> 01:28:14,888
Oh, this office is
fucking awesome.
1776
01:28:14,960 --> 01:28:16,883
Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.
1777
01:28:17,120 --> 01:28:18,360
You ever bring chicks up here?
1778
01:28:19,280 --> 01:28:20,486
What do you think?
1779
01:28:20,720 --> 01:28:23,803
I think I want to sleep on
a bed made of your voice.
1780
01:28:25,480 --> 01:28:26,925
I'll get right down to it.
1781
01:28:27,200 --> 01:28:29,009
I don't want to waste
too much of your time.
1782
01:28:30,800 --> 01:28:33,644
Ted, I've been
reviewing your file.
1783
01:28:33,920 --> 01:28:36,241
And while I'm sympathetic
to your cause,
1784
01:28:36,320 --> 01:28:39,529
I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.
1785
01:28:39,640 --> 01:28:40,721
What?
Why?
1786
01:28:40,800 --> 01:28:41,801
Why not?
1787
01:28:41,960 --> 01:28:43,724
Well, it comes down to this.
1788
01:28:45,840 --> 01:28:48,605
You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.
1789
01:28:48,960 --> 01:28:51,327
That's a hard sell,
even for me.
1790
01:28:51,840 --> 01:28:54,241
See, the important
thing about being human
1791
01:28:54,320 --> 01:28:56,721
is making a contribution
to society.
1792
01:28:56,800 --> 01:28:59,167
Assisting in
the betterment of your race.
1793
01:28:59,560 --> 01:29:01,324
You've done none of that.
1794
01:29:01,520 --> 01:29:03,124
I've read about your life.
1795
01:29:03,280 --> 01:29:06,489
The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.
1796
01:29:06,560 --> 01:29:08,961
Mr. Ivleighan, we've come
along way to meet you
1797
01:29:09,040 --> 01:29:10,690
because you said
that you could help us.
1798
01:29:11,000 --> 01:29:12,923
I said I would consider it.
1799
01:29:13,520 --> 01:29:14,851
And I have.
1800
01:29:16,200 --> 01:29:18,521
Ted, you're special.
1801
01:29:18,840 --> 01:29:21,241
You could've been
an inspiration to the world.
1802
01:29:21,400 --> 01:29:23,562
Could've been a leader,
a role model.
1803
01:29:24,520 --> 01:29:26,170
Instead you're
1804
01:29:27,040 --> 01:29:28,201
Justin Bieber.
1805
01:29:28,720 --> 01:29:29,721
Fuck you!
1806
01:29:29,880 --> 01:29:31,120
Hey, Ted! Come on!
I'm sorry.
1807
01:29:31,200 --> 01:29:33,202
He doesn't mean that.
Please forgive me, I'm sorry.
1808
01:29:33,360 --> 01:29:34,691
There's just no indication
1809
01:29:34,760 --> 01:29:37,684
that you've had any positive
effect on the world around you.
1810
01:29:37,840 --> 01:29:40,525
Well, that's not true.
He's had a positive effect on me.
1811
01:29:40,680 --> 01:29:43,570
Would that positive effect
be yourjoint arrest
1812
01:29:43,640 --> 01:29:45,961
for purchasing
marijuana in 2003?
1813
01:29:46,040 --> 01:29:48,771
Well, how the fuck do you prepare
for a Foo Fighters concert?
1814
01:29:50,600 --> 01:29:52,648
You know why
you lost this case?
1815
01:29:54,240 --> 01:29:56,242
It can't be argued by reason.
1816
01:29:56,600 --> 01:29:59,729
The precedent it sets would
affect the public directly.
1817
01:29:59,920 --> 01:30:03,208
And unfortunately, the public
doesn'tjudge by reason.
1818
01:30:03,280 --> 01:30:05,487
It judges by emotion.
1819
01:30:06,880 --> 01:30:09,690
And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.
1820
01:30:10,120 --> 01:30:13,567
Nonetheless, I wish you all
the best in your efforts.
1821
01:30:15,920 --> 01:30:17,410
He needs help.
1822
01:30:17,920 --> 01:30:19,410
And from what
I know about you,
1823
01:30:19,600 --> 01:30:21,967
at one point in your career
that would've been enough.
1824
01:30:22,840 --> 01:30:26,242
I'm sorry you're not
who I hoped you'd be.
1825
01:30:34,960 --> 01:30:36,803
Are those Tootsie Rolls
just, like, to take?
1826
01:30:38,920 --> 01:30:41,161
Those aren't
supposed to be out.
1827
01:30:52,280 --> 01:30:54,328
So that's it.
I'm property.
1828
01:30:55,120 --> 01:30:57,009
No rights, no nothing.
1829
01:30:57,600 --> 01:31:00,649
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.
1830
01:31:01,000 --> 01:31:02,445
I feel terrible.
1831
01:31:03,080 --> 01:31:04,969
I let you guys down
all over again.
1832
01:31:05,080 --> 01:31:08,289
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
You did your best.
1833
01:31:09,520 --> 01:31:11,090
And, look, regardless
of all this shit,
1834
01:31:11,160 --> 01:31:13,766
you're still the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.
1835
01:31:19,960 --> 01:31:20,961
Oh. Oh, that...
1836
01:31:21,200 --> 01:31:22,326
That's great!
That's fucking great!
1837
01:31:22,400 --> 01:31:23,447
I'm glad you guys
are so happy!
1838
01:31:23,520 --> 01:31:24,567
What?
1839
01:31:24,640 --> 01:31:26,608
What do you mean, "What?"
I'm totally screwed here.
1840
01:31:26,680 --> 01:31:29,206
And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,
1841
01:31:29,280 --> 01:31:30,964
and she's probably
still fucking billing us!
1842
01:31:31,040 --> 01:31:33,122
Well, don't yell at us, dude!
We didn't do anything!
1843
01:31:33,280 --> 01:31:34,566
Yeah, exactly! Exactly!
1844
01:31:34,640 --> 01:31:37,769
Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,
1845
01:31:37,840 --> 01:31:40,684
Sam could've won this thing and
lwouldn't be a fucking thing!
1846
01:31:40,760 --> 01:31:42,922
Like garbage or
a piece of shit!
1847
01:31:43,360 --> 01:31:45,727
Hey, we've been fighting right
alongside you the whole way.
1848
01:31:45,800 --> 01:31:46,847
And remember,
you're the one
1849
01:31:46,920 --> 01:31:47,921
who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.
1850
01:31:48,000 --> 01:31:49,923
I finally meet someone and
you're giving me shit for it?
1851
01:31:50,000 --> 01:31:51,604
Oh, no, you're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.
1852
01:31:51,680 --> 01:31:52,761
You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.
1853
01:31:52,840 --> 01:31:55,286
I got no job,
no marriage and no life!
1854
01:31:55,360 --> 01:31:58,443
But you have fun porking Gollum
here, while I'm left with shit!
1855
01:31:58,600 --> 01:31:59,681
Ted!
1856
01:31:59,840 --> 01:32:00,887
Who's Gollum?
1857
01:32:00,960 --> 01:32:03,008
She's a model.
Ted, come back!
1858
01:32:03,200 --> 01:32:04,281
Leave me alone!
1859
01:32:04,400 --> 01:32:05,526
JOHN: Ted!
SAIVIANTHAZ Ted!
1860
01:32:06,840 --> 01:32:08,046
(slGHs)
1861
01:32:09,680 --> 01:32:10,806
Shit.
1862
01:32:21,360 --> 01:32:22,361
MAN: \/Vhoa.
1863
01:32:23,360 --> 01:32:24,441
Sorry, bro.
1864
01:33:01,760 --> 01:33:03,205
GUY: Hey, Ted!
1865
01:33:05,240 --> 01:33:06,321
Guy?
1866
01:33:06,400 --> 01:33:07,811
I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?
1867
01:33:07,880 --> 01:33:09,882
Hey, Rick! It is Ted.
1868
01:33:09,960 --> 01:33:11,007
Hey, how you doing?
1869
01:33:11,360 --> 01:33:13,249
Hey, what's going on?
What are you doing here?
1870
01:33:13,360 --> 01:33:17,763
(SIGHS) I just feel at home among the outcasts.
What are you guys doing here?
1871
01:33:18,040 --> 01:33:20,646
Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.
1872
01:33:20,720 --> 01:33:24,042
Dress up like we're into this
shit and fuck with the nerds.
1873
01:33:24,160 --> 01:33:25,366
Hey, spaz_
1874
01:33:25,440 --> 01:33:28,330
Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew.
How about that, huh?
1875
01:33:28,440 --> 01:33:29,680
01:33:32,286
(BQTHLAUGH)
1877
01:33:32,520 --> 01:33:35,490
Uh-huh. All right, well, good
luck with your dick, there.
1878
01:33:35,880 --> 01:33:37,166
Right on.
You, too, man.
1879
01:33:38,200 --> 01:33:40,601
God damn it, that
underwear had shit on it!
1880
01:33:48,600 --> 01:33:50,204
Yeah, I have a question
for David Hasselhoff.
1881
01:33:50,280 --> 01:33:51,327
Yes, sir.
1882
01:33:51,640 --> 01:33:55,087
Did you find it difficult as an
actor, playing opposite a car?
1883
01:33:55,320 --> 01:33:58,085
You know, that is
a very good question.
1884
01:33:58,240 --> 01:34:00,208
As an actor,
you rely on subtle
1885
01:34:00,320 --> 01:34:03,164
facial changes and cues
from your co-stars.
1886
01:34:03,280 --> 01:34:05,123
Uh, you don't get that
with a car.
1887
01:34:05,360 --> 01:34:07,124
But after awhile,
1888
01:34:07,200 --> 01:34:09,248
you get used to it,
it becomes the norm.
1889
01:34:09,320 --> 01:34:10,970
Thank you.
Thank you.
1890
01:34:11,080 --> 01:34:13,082
Uh, yeah, excuse me.
I have a question. Um...
1891
01:34:13,320 --> 01:34:15,482
Exactly how many
beers did you have
1892
01:34:15,560 --> 01:34:17,289
before you got naked
with that hamburger?
1893
01:34:17,360 --> 01:34:19,283
You know, buddy,
we all make mistakes.
1894
01:34:19,360 --> 01:34:22,170
That was a long time ago
and I'm a different guy now.
1895
01:34:22,360 --> 01:34:24,362
KITT: You know what?
Can I just jump in here for a second?
1896
01:34:24,600 --> 01:34:27,001
You're a real scumbag
for asking that question.
1897
01:34:27,080 --> 01:34:28,206
What? It's a fair question.
1898
01:34:28,280 --> 01:34:29,520
No, you know what?
You know what?
1899
01:34:29,640 --> 01:34:30,721
Let me tell you something
about this man.
1900
01:34:30,800 --> 01:34:32,689
KITT, it's all right.
Just let it go, huh?
1901
01:34:32,760 --> 01:34:33,966
No, no- I want him
to hear this-
1902
01:34:34,040 --> 01:34:35,804
Let me tell you something.
After the show ended,
1903
01:34:35,880 --> 01:34:37,644
I got nothing but shit work,
all right?
1904
01:34:37,720 --> 01:34:39,848
I was playing snow plows,
tractors,
1905
01:34:39,920 --> 01:34:41,604
I was even cast
as a lawnmower_
1906
01:34:41,680 --> 01:34:43,205
Now, that was a real
low point for me,
1907
01:34:43,320 --> 01:34:45,402
and this man,
sitting next to me,
1908
01:34:45,480 --> 01:34:47,608
at this very low point
in my life,
1909
01:34:47,680 --> 01:34:49,125
wrote me a check...
1910
01:34:49,200 --> 01:34:50,326
Aw, come on, pal.
Come on.
1911
01:34:50,400 --> 01:34:52,050
No, no. I want
everyone to hear this,
1912
01:34:52,120 --> 01:34:54,248
because you are a good
man, David Hasselhoff
1913
01:34:54,320 --> 01:34:56,561
You are a good man.
You saved me
1914
01:34:56,640 --> 01:34:57,971
with your generosity.
1915
01:34:58,480 --> 01:34:59,811
(VOICE BREAKING)
You are the most...
1916
01:35:00,840 --> 01:35:03,923
I'm so sorry. I promised myself
I wouldn't get emotional.
1917
01:35:04,000 --> 01:35:05,411
I just love you, buddy.
1918
01:35:05,480 --> 01:35:07,801
I just love you so much.
1919
01:35:07,880 --> 01:35:10,360
(SOBS) I love you
so much. Oh, God.
1920
01:35:10,480 --> 01:35:13,051
I love you too, pal.
I really do. (SOBBING)
1921
01:35:13,120 --> 01:35:14,167
I love you.
1922
01:35:14,720 --> 01:35:16,722
So, like, 25 beers,
or what?
1923
01:35:16,840 --> 01:35:18,330
(ENGINE REVVING) Piece of shit!
Get out of here!
1924
01:35:18,440 --> 01:35:20,124
Whoa, whoa, whoa, man!
What the fuck?
1925
01:35:20,200 --> 01:35:22,362
You are not fit to breathe
the same air as this man!
1926
01:35:22,440 --> 01:35:23,930
KITT, he's not worth it.
1927
01:35:24,000 --> 01:35:25,525
Get out of here!
What? He's a celebrity.
1928
01:35:25,600 --> 01:35:27,329
His personal life
is our business.
1929
01:35:27,400 --> 01:35:29,050
Get the fuck out,
you piece of dog shit.
1930
01:35:29,160 --> 01:35:30,889
I will run you down
like roadkill_
1931
01:35:30,960 --> 01:35:33,247
Hey, I don't have to take this
shit from a fucking Pontiac.
1932
01:35:33,320 --> 01:35:35,049
Get out!
Get the fuck out!
1933
01:35:35,120 --> 01:35:36,963
You're a psycho, dude.
Seriously, you're a psycho.
1934
01:35:37,040 --> 01:35:38,530
Get some therapy.
Get out!
1935
01:35:39,520 --> 01:35:40,806
Crazy son of a bitch.
1936
01:35:41,880 --> 01:35:43,041
Jesus Christ.
1937
01:35:44,120 --> 01:35:45,167
Hey.
1938
01:35:45,880 --> 01:35:47,006
Are you Ted?
1939
01:35:47,280 --> 01:35:48,964
Uh,yeah.
1940
01:35:49,240 --> 01:35:50,241
01:35:51,731
This is so exciting!
1942
01:35:51,800 --> 01:35:54,121
I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s_
1943
01:35:54,360 --> 01:35:57,091
Oh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?
1944
01:35:57,240 --> 01:35:58,730
I'm Raphael.
1945
01:35:58,800 --> 01:36:00,802
Hey, do you think I could
take a picture with you?
1946
01:36:01,080 --> 01:36:02,525
Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.
1947
01:36:02,600 --> 01:36:04,409
Great, great!
Here, follow me.
1948
01:36:06,160 --> 01:36:08,447
Uh, okay, why are we
doing this back here?
1949
01:36:08,600 --> 01:36:09,681
Well, you're a celebrity.
1950
01:36:09,760 --> 01:36:11,922
I just don't want you to get
mobbed when people recognize you.
1951
01:36:12,000 --> 01:36:14,890
Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an Ewok three times today.
1952
01:36:14,960 --> 01:36:16,041
All right,
let's do this.
1953
01:36:20,840 --> 01:36:22,729
Holy shit! Donny!
1954
01:36:23,200 --> 01:36:25,168
It's so good to see you, Ted.
1955
01:36:26,160 --> 01:36:27,525
It's been some time,
hasn't it?
1956
01:36:27,840 --> 01:36:30,002
What, you mean since
you ripped me in half?
1957
01:36:31,000 --> 01:36:32,729
That wasn't
supposed to happen.
1958
01:36:32,880 --> 01:36:34,370
That was an accident.
1959
01:36:35,200 --> 01:36:37,441
I have some big plans
for you, Ted.
1960
01:36:38,200 --> 01:36:39,690
Very big plans.
1961
01:36:40,160 --> 01:36:41,810
I need you to come
with me now.
1962
01:36:41,960 --> 01:36:42,927
Go to hell!
1963
01:36:43,000 --> 01:36:44,001
(GRUNTS)
1964
01:36:56,080 --> 01:36:57,844
RICK: Nice lunch, spaz.
1965
01:37:07,640 --> 01:37:09,085
Hey! What the hell!
1966
01:37:13,680 --> 01:37:15,409
He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.
1967
01:37:15,480 --> 01:37:16,811
We should just
wait by the car.
1968
01:37:16,880 --> 01:37:18,450
What do you mean?
We have to find him, okay?
1969
01:37:18,560 --> 01:37:20,608
He's a teddy bear on his own
in New York, for God's sakes_
1970
01:37:20,680 --> 01:37:22,364
(SCOFFS)
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
1971
01:37:24,400 --> 01:37:25,447
Hello?
1972
01:37:25,520 --> 01:37:27,329
Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.
1973
01:37:27,400 --> 01:37:29,721
Ted, where are you?
Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you.
1974
01:37:29,920 --> 01:37:33,402
I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny!
He's here!
1975
01:37:33,520 --> 01:37:34,965
He's after me.
You got to get over here.
1976
01:37:35,040 --> 01:37:36,644
What the fuck?
Did you just say "Donny"?
1977
01:37:36,720 --> 01:37:37,801
John, what's going on?
1978
01:37:37,880 --> 01:37:39,450
Yes, it's him! He's...
1979
01:37:41,360 --> 01:37:42,566
Oh, Shit!
1980
01:37:45,960 --> 01:37:47,564
Ted! Ted, hello?
1981
01:37:47,840 --> 01:37:49,649
What's the matter?
Oh, my God. Déjé vu.
1982
01:37:49,920 --> 01:37:51,410
We got to get to
Comic Con. Come on!
1983
01:37:56,080 --> 01:37:57,764
Get out of the way!
1984
01:38:09,440 --> 01:38:10,930
You know,
1985
01:38:11,960 --> 01:38:14,122
I really love
that Neil Diamond.
1986
01:38:14,800 --> 01:38:19,601
Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.
1987
01:38:21,400 --> 01:38:23,289
It's just so infectious.
1988
01:38:23,840 --> 01:38:26,002
You just can't
help but sing along.
1989
01:38:27,160 --> 01:38:31,484
(SINGING) Hands touching hands
1990
01:38:33,080 --> 01:38:35,048
Reaching out
1991
01:38:36,040 --> 01:38:41,490
Touching me, touching you
1992
01:38:41,880 --> 01:38:45,566
Sweet Caroline
1993
01:38:45,640 --> 01:38:47,051
Bah, bah, bah!
1994
01:38:47,120 --> 01:38:48,121
Fuck!
1995
01:38:48,840 --> 01:38:49,966
Crazy son of
a bitch!
1996
01:38:50,680 --> 01:38:52,011
(TED GRUNTING)
1997
01:38:53,600 --> 01:38:54,726
MAN: Hey!
1998
01:38:54,800 --> 01:38:56,131
What are you doing
to that bear?
1999
01:38:56,560 --> 01:38:57,800
I'm sorry. I, uh...
2000
01:38:57,960 --> 01:38:59,724
You better be planning
on buying that!
2001
01:39:00,320 --> 01:39:02,527
He just reminds me
of when I was a kid.
2002
01:39:02,600 --> 01:39:03,567
Yeah, that's great.
2003
01:39:03,640 --> 01:39:04,641
$40.
2004
01:39:04,720 --> 01:39:06,006
Okay.
2005
01:39:07,160 --> 01:39:08,650
I have $40, here.
2006
01:39:18,520 --> 01:39:19,567
You see
him anywhere?
2007
01:39:19,680 --> 01:39:21,409
No. Let's try in there.
2008
01:39:24,520 --> 01:39:27,205
Hi. Have any of you guys seen a
talking teddy bear run through here?
2009
01:39:27,280 --> 01:39:29,328
Shh_ Tney're about to
announce the new Superman.
2010
01:39:29,440 --> 01:39:32,011
The new Superman is...
2011
01:39:32,320 --> 01:39:33,560
Jonah Hill!
2012
01:39:33,800 --> 01:39:34,847
Fuck!
2013
01:39:34,920 --> 01:39:36,331
Who's Superman?
What?
2014
01:39:36,400 --> 01:39:38,448
I'm just kidding.
I'm fucking with you. Come on!
2015
01:39:39,280 --> 01:39:41,521
And if that is
not big enough news,
2016
01:39:41,600 --> 01:39:44,444
Hasbro will be
unveiling a brand-new line
2017
01:39:44,520 --> 01:39:47,364
of Transformers
merchandise next fall.
2018
01:39:47,600 --> 01:39:49,011
(CHEERING)
2019
01:39:49,440 --> 01:39:51,044
We've got a brand-new
line of Decepticons.__
2020
01:39:51,120 --> 01:39:52,121
Hey!
2021
01:39:52,200 --> 01:39:53,531
...that is gonna be...
Fresh cakes.
2022
01:39:53,600 --> 01:39:55,125
Fresh cakes.
2023
01:39:56,200 --> 01:39:57,531
Fresh cakes.
2024
01:39:59,840 --> 01:40:00,887
Comic Con fans,
2025
01:40:00,960 --> 01:40:02,803
let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel
2026
01:40:02,880 --> 01:40:04,689
with all of our
exciting new toys.
2027
01:40:05,280 --> 01:40:06,327
Take a look.
2028
01:40:06,400 --> 01:40:07,561
(CHEERING)
2029
01:40:12,560 --> 01:40:14,927
Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.
2030
01:40:15,000 --> 01:40:16,001
Is that him?
2031
01:40:16,080 --> 01:40:18,082
Yeah, there was
an issue, so he's
2032
01:40:18,160 --> 01:40:19,650
unconscious now,
but yeah, this is him.
2033
01:40:19,720 --> 01:40:21,927
Jesus!
Why did you bring him here?
2034
01:40:22,000 --> 01:40:24,128
I've been following him
around since yesterday.
2035
01:40:24,200 --> 01:40:27,647
This was the only chance I could get him alone.
I had to move fast.
2036
01:40:27,720 --> 01:40:28,767
Hey,Ted!
2037
01:40:30,600 --> 01:40:31,647
Isthatyou?
2038
01:40:31,720 --> 01:40:33,688
Uh, yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.
2039
01:40:33,760 --> 01:40:36,730
He puked a pile of cotton all over
this little girl in a stroller
2040
01:40:36,840 --> 01:40:39,320
so we're gonna take him
back and sober him up.
2041
01:40:39,400 --> 01:40:41,164
Ah, rock on, Ted.
2042
01:40:41,240 --> 01:40:42,366
Eff yeah.
2043
01:40:42,440 --> 01:40:46,240
Hey, guys, be careful out there.
Some nerd spilled his lunch.
2044
01:40:46,800 --> 01:40:48,609
Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.
2045
01:40:55,240 --> 01:40:56,526
Hey, Johnny.
2046
01:40:56,600 --> 01:40:57,647
Guy?
2047
01:40:57,920 --> 01:41:00,241
IVlan, it's a goddamn
party here today.
2048
01:41:00,560 --> 01:41:02,403
Hey, I remember
you from the wedding.
2049
01:41:02,560 --> 01:41:04,449
You get a nose job?
No.
2050
01:41:04,760 --> 01:41:06,444
Yes, you did,
you fucking liar.
2051
01:41:06,520 --> 01:41:08,090
Hey, we just ran
into your buddy Ted.
2052
01:41:08,160 --> 01:41:09,207
Ted? Where is he?
2053
01:41:09,280 --> 01:41:12,602
He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.
2054
01:41:12,760 --> 01:41:13,761
Did you see
which way they went?
2055
01:41:13,920 --> 01:41:15,684
Yeah, yeah.
Back hallway, past the photo booth.
2056
01:41:15,760 --> 01:41:16,921
Come on!
2057
01:41:17,720 --> 01:41:18,960
Thirsty, Urkel?
2058
01:41:20,280 --> 01:41:21,964
I fucking love this place.
2059
01:41:28,680 --> 01:41:29,681
(GRUNTS)
2060
01:41:30,960 --> 01:41:33,566
What the fuck?
What the fuck's going on here?
2061
01:41:33,720 --> 01:41:34,801
Who the hell are you?
2062
01:41:35,000 --> 01:41:37,401
He really is
extraordinary, isn't he?
2063
01:41:37,480 --> 01:41:39,881
You son of a bitch!
This is kidnapping!
2064
01:41:40,040 --> 01:41:41,804
No, it's not.
2065
01:41:42,040 --> 01:41:46,489
Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.
2066
01:41:46,600 --> 01:41:48,489
Yeah, so is
that fucking hairpiece.
2067
01:41:52,280 --> 01:41:53,805
What do you say there,
happy face?
2068
01:41:54,000 --> 01:41:57,083
Right there. Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on. All right.
2069
01:41:57,160 --> 01:41:58,650
Happy QUV-
2070
01:41:58,840 --> 01:42:02,162
Right there. Death to Ming.
Good, yeah.
2071
01:42:04,000 --> 01:42:05,240
Hey, Bennett!
2072
01:42:06,640 --> 01:42:07,641
Oh, Shit!
2073
01:42:07,720 --> 01:42:09,165
You messed up my car.
2074
01:42:09,240 --> 01:42:10,810
What the hell is
wrong with you?
2075
01:42:10,880 --> 01:42:13,486
Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right?
Something happened to Ted.
2076
01:42:13,560 --> 01:42:17,042
But it was a good time for you
to vandalize my Chrysler though.
2077
01:42:17,120 --> 01:42:18,884
Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
2078
01:42:19,400 --> 01:42:20,526
(YELLS)
2079
01:42:24,560 --> 01:42:25,891
(Rll=>s)
(GASPS)
2080
01:42:28,240 --> 01:42:29,446
Holy shit!
2081
01:42:29,520 --> 01:42:31,841
Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?
2082
01:42:32,160 --> 01:42:33,844
Think about what
happened at Fenway.
2083
01:42:33,920 --> 01:42:37,447
You remember? You cut me open, that's it!
I'm gone, dead!
2084
01:42:38,040 --> 01:42:39,610
Just a regular old teddy bear.
2085
01:42:39,680 --> 01:42:41,728
I won't be any
fun then, will I?
2086
01:42:42,040 --> 01:42:43,690
This isn't about you, Ted.
2087
01:42:44,240 --> 01:42:45,765
You're only one bear.
2088
01:42:46,080 --> 01:42:47,764
We're gonna figure out
what makes you real,
2089
01:42:47,840 --> 01:42:49,410
and then we're gonna
make millions of Teds.
2090
01:42:49,480 --> 01:42:51,448
One for every
child in the world.
2091
01:42:52,000 --> 01:42:53,365
One for me.
2092
01:42:55,400 --> 01:42:58,290
One that loves me
just as much as you love John.
2093
01:42:58,560 --> 01:43:01,131
Look, Donny,
I can never love you.
2094
01:43:01,320 --> 01:43:04,051
God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.
2095
01:43:04,240 --> 01:43:05,287
Okay? So, uh...
2096
01:43:05,640 --> 01:43:07,404
What if I gave you
a hand job outside
2097
01:43:07,480 --> 01:43:09,244
your pants while
you ate an ice cream?
2098
01:43:12,400 --> 01:43:14,084
I'll give you a minute.
2099
01:43:15,320 --> 01:43:16,526
(SAM GRUNTING)
2100
01:43:20,400 --> 01:43:21,401
Come here!
2101
01:43:23,200 --> 01:43:24,406
(GRUNTING)
2102
01:43:27,720 --> 01:43:28,926
(SCREAMING)
2103
01:43:33,240 --> 01:43:34,241
(YELLS)
2104
01:43:38,360 --> 01:43:39,407
(GASPS)
2105
01:43:39,720 --> 01:43:40,960
(YELUNG)
2106
01:43:42,840 --> 01:43:44,444
(SCREAMING)
2107
01:43:55,040 --> 01:43:56,644
Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.
2108
01:43:57,000 --> 01:43:58,001
Ah!
2109
01:44:02,120 --> 01:44:03,121
(\/vHool=>lNG)
2110
01:44:04,600 --> 01:44:05,601
(SCREECHWG)
2111
01:44:09,920 --> 01:44:10,967
Come here.
2112
01:44:17,120 --> 01:44:18,246
Come on.
2113
01:44:24,920 --> 01:44:26,763
I'll see you in heaven, Ted.
2114
01:44:34,240 --> 01:44:35,890
Ted!
Johnny!
2115
01:44:36,080 --> 01:44:37,127
Who the hell are you?
2116
01:44:37,640 --> 01:44:39,529
Get away from him,
you bastard!
2117
01:44:39,600 --> 01:44:41,682
Ted, you okay, buddy?
Johnny, thank God!
2118
01:44:41,760 --> 01:44:42,761
I'm out.
2119
01:44:42,880 --> 01:44:45,201
Wait, IVIr. Jessup, please don't go.
Come on, we can still do this.
2120
01:44:45,280 --> 01:44:47,931
You're on your own, Danny.
I can't be implicated in any of this.
2121
01:44:48,000 --> 01:44:49,161
Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
2122
01:44:49,480 --> 01:44:51,005
I work for Mattel.
2123
01:44:53,000 --> 01:44:54,331
You piece of shit.
2124
01:44:54,480 --> 01:44:56,687
Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?
2125
01:44:57,280 --> 01:44:58,441
What do you wanna do now?
2126
01:44:58,560 --> 01:45:02,087
You don't deserve him, John.
You never did. You never did!
2127
01:45:02,360 --> 01:45:04,408
I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.
2128
01:45:06,840 --> 01:45:07,887
TED: A-ha! I fucking knew it!
2129
01:45:09,040 --> 01:45:10,326
Come on.
2130
01:45:22,000 --> 01:45:25,083
Listen, Johnny, I wanna
tell you how sorry I am.
2131
01:45:25,240 --> 01:45:26,446
No, forget it, buddy.
2132
01:45:26,520 --> 01:45:29,330
Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.
2133
01:45:29,400 --> 01:45:30,481
No, listen to me.
2134
01:45:30,560 --> 01:45:32,847
Just listen to me.
You, too, Sam.
2135
01:45:32,920 --> 01:45:34,888
I acted like an asshole.
2136
01:45:34,960 --> 01:45:38,567
All right? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.
2137
01:45:39,320 --> 01:45:43,484
And that, in the eyes of the
world, I'll always be property.
2138
01:45:44,200 --> 01:45:46,646
But you know what?
Who gives a shit? Right?
2139
01:45:46,720 --> 01:45:50,008
It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.
2140
01:45:50,400 --> 01:45:51,890
And that's all
that's important.
2141
01:45:52,600 --> 01:45:54,364
And I know who my friends are.
2142
01:45:54,760 --> 01:45:56,046
And honest to God,
2143
01:45:56,160 --> 01:45:59,642
if you two want to be together,
nothing would make me happier.
2144
01:46:00,040 --> 01:46:01,485
Aw, buddy,
I love you for that.
2145
01:46:01,560 --> 01:46:03,449
Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.
2146
01:46:05,600 --> 01:46:08,922
And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,
2147
01:46:09,520 --> 01:46:10,726
you're a person.
2148
01:46:11,200 --> 01:46:13,487
As much as anybody
I've ever known.
2149
01:46:13,560 --> 01:46:18,407
Sam, that means the world coming from
someone who went to Arizona State.
2150
01:46:34,760 --> 01:46:35,921
Ted!
2151
01:46:44,960 --> 01:46:46,246
Holy shit! Johnny!
2152
01:46:46,360 --> 01:46:48,203
Oh, my God. John!
Johnny!
2153
01:46:48,280 --> 01:46:49,486
John!
Oh,Jesus!
2154
01:46:49,560 --> 01:46:51,050
Are you okay?
Johnny, you all right?
2155
01:46:51,120 --> 01:46:52,121
Shit.
2156
01:46:52,200 --> 01:46:53,531
John, hey.
Oh, my God.
2157
01:46:53,600 --> 01:46:54,886
Jesus, what happened here?
2158
01:46:54,960 --> 01:46:56,291
The rocket ship just hit him!
2159
01:46:56,440 --> 01:46:58,727
Jesus Christ, that's the starship
Enterprise... Forget it.
2160
01:46:58,800 --> 01:47:00,211
Somebody call 911!
2161
01:47:00,280 --> 01:47:02,169
Johnny? John, come on,
stay with me, pal.
2162
01:47:02,280 --> 01:47:04,567
We need an ambulance
at 655 West 34th.
2163
01:47:04,640 --> 01:47:05,880
HOW the hell did it fall?
2164
01:47:05,960 --> 01:47:06,961
I don't know!
2165
01:47:10,000 --> 01:47:11,047
TED: It was him!
2166
01:47:11,120 --> 01:47:12,531
The guy dressed like
the Ninja Turtle!
2167
01:47:17,920 --> 01:47:18,967
Which one?
2168
01:47:19,160 --> 01:47:22,767
All right, two can play this Where's
Waldo shit, you son of a bitch!
2169
01:47:22,840 --> 01:47:24,126
Sam, give me your phone.
2170
01:47:34,960 --> 01:47:36,883
(sos POP SONG l=>LAYING)
2171
01:47:44,320 --> 01:47:45,321
That's him.
2172
01:47:49,280 --> 01:47:50,327
Get off me!
2173
01:47:50,960 --> 01:47:52,200
Get off me!
2174
01:47:54,640 --> 01:47:55,846
Johnny?
2175
01:47:56,320 --> 01:47:57,481
Johnny, come on.
2176
01:47:58,120 --> 01:47:59,770
Johnny, you got to
wake up, pal.
2177
01:48:00,360 --> 01:48:01,407
Johnny, wake up!
2178
01:48:02,160 --> 01:48:03,571
Wake up, Johnny.
2179
01:48:04,480 --> 01:48:05,891
Johnny.
2180
01:48:05,960 --> 01:48:07,371
Johnny, wake up!
2181
01:48:08,720 --> 01:48:10,563
Johnny, wake up.
2182
01:48:56,080 --> 01:48:58,924
Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?
2183
01:48:59,240 --> 01:49:02,130
I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can
2184
01:49:02,320 --> 01:49:04,322
and it's all up to him now.
2185
01:49:14,440 --> 01:49:15,601
John,
2186
01:49:16,440 --> 01:49:18,090
please wake up.
2187
01:49:22,960 --> 01:49:25,691
(HEART MONITOR FLAT LINING)
2188
01:49:26,720 --> 01:49:27,721
Somebody help!
2189
01:49:27,800 --> 01:49:29,370
Oh, my God, John!
John? Johnny?
2190
01:49:29,520 --> 01:49:31,443
Hello?
There's something happening.
2191
01:49:31,640 --> 01:49:32,687
Mr. Bennett?
2192
01:49:33,160 --> 01:49:35,083
Sometning's wrong. What's going on?
What's happening to him?
2193
01:49:35,160 --> 01:49:36,605
Mr. Bennett? John?
2194
01:49:37,440 --> 01:49:39,807
We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
What does that mean?
2195
01:49:39,880 --> 01:49:41,211
I'm sorry. You three are
gonna have to wait outside.
2196
01:49:41,280 --> 01:49:42,520
What the hell is going on?
Is he gonna be okay?
2197
01:49:42,600 --> 01:49:43,681
The doctors will do
everything they can,
2198
01:49:43,760 --> 01:49:45,842
but I need you to go to the
waiting area now, please.
2199
01:49:45,920 --> 01:49:47,081
Excuse me, excuse me.
2200
01:49:47,160 --> 01:49:48,207
What's the status?
2201
01:49:48,280 --> 01:49:49,884
He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.
2202
01:49:49,960 --> 01:49:52,122
The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.
2203
01:49:52,200 --> 01:49:53,804
Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate_
2204
01:49:53,920 --> 01:49:55,046
Give him a milligram
of epinephrine.
2205
01:50:25,360 --> 01:50:27,010
I'm sorry.
2206
01:50:28,440 --> 01:50:29,646
He didn't make it.
2207
01:50:33,280 --> 01:50:34,361
What?
2208
01:50:35,840 --> 01:50:37,046
Johnny.
2209
01:50:37,800 --> 01:50:39,962
Lfyou'd like, you can go in
2210
01:50:40,040 --> 01:50:41,724
and say your goodbyes.
2211
01:51:21,560 --> 01:51:22,846
Johnny.
2212
01:51:25,040 --> 01:51:26,963
You were my thunder buddy.
2213
01:51:29,400 --> 01:51:31,801
You were my thunder buddy
for life.
2214
01:51:34,160 --> 01:51:37,926
And you gave up your own life
to save mine.
2215
01:51:41,200 --> 01:51:42,964
The only problem is
2216
01:51:45,240 --> 01:51:48,483
I don't know how
my life works without you.
2217
01:51:52,800 --> 01:51:54,245
Goodbye, John.
2218
01:51:57,480 --> 01:51:59,369
I got you, motherfucker!
(ALL SCREAMING)
2219
01:52:00,640 --> 01:52:03,166
Holy shit! Zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!
2220
01:52:03,920 --> 01:52:05,604
I totally fucking got you!
2221
01:52:06,440 --> 01:52:07,566
Holy shit!
2222
01:52:07,640 --> 01:52:09,483
You should have seen
your fucking face!
2223
01:52:09,720 --> 01:52:10,960
You son of a bitch!
2224
01:52:11,040 --> 01:52:12,565
That was fucking classic!
2225
01:52:12,640 --> 01:52:15,564
Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!
2226
01:52:15,640 --> 01:52:17,051
You made me think
you were retarded!
2227
01:52:17,120 --> 01:52:18,167
Oh! Well done!
2228
01:52:18,280 --> 01:52:20,044
Well done, man. High five.
(LAUGHING)
2229
01:52:20,120 --> 01:52:21,167
High five.
2230
01:52:21,280 --> 01:52:23,282
What the fuck is going on?
2231
01:52:23,360 --> 01:52:27,524
What's going on, is this guy just won
the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.
2232
01:52:27,600 --> 01:52:30,171
You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!
2233
01:52:30,600 --> 01:52:32,364
Wait. How was the doctor
in on it?
2234
01:52:32,440 --> 01:52:34,522
They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.
2235
01:52:34,640 --> 01:52:36,005
So I talked him into
going along with the bit.
2236
01:52:36,080 --> 01:52:38,048
Hey, Doc, itworked out
hilarious. Thanks.
2237
01:52:38,280 --> 01:52:40,282
No problem.
We're a fun hospital.
2238
01:52:40,600 --> 01:52:43,763
You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?
2239
01:52:44,000 --> 01:52:45,525
Do you know how devastated
I was?
2240
01:52:45,600 --> 01:52:47,284
I put a frowny face
on Facebook!
2241
01:52:47,360 --> 01:52:49,761
How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?
2242
01:52:50,040 --> 01:52:52,088
You could change your
relationship status from "single"
2243
01:52:52,200 --> 01:52:54,362
to "it's complicated."
2244
01:52:54,800 --> 01:52:56,882
You're gonna have to do a lot
better than that. (SNIFFLING)
2245
01:52:57,840 --> 01:53:01,561
How about, "in a relationship
with John Bennett"?
2246
01:53:02,360 --> 01:53:06,001
Well, we'll have
to talk about that.
2247
01:53:10,880 --> 01:53:12,484
Okay, well, good talk.
2248
01:53:18,000 --> 01:53:19,331
Hey, if you guys
want to bang,
2249
01:53:19,400 --> 01:53:20,811
me and Teddy
can totally leave the room.
2250
01:53:20,880 --> 01:53:23,121
No, no, honey, honey, they're
classy, they're not like us.
2251
01:53:23,200 --> 01:53:24,884
They're good people.
2252
01:53:25,080 --> 01:53:28,129
I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.
2253
01:53:28,280 --> 01:53:29,361
Mr. Nleighan.
What the hell?
2254
01:53:29,440 --> 01:53:30,566
Holy shit!
2255
01:53:30,640 --> 01:53:31,926
Is it all right
if I come in?
2256
01:53:32,480 --> 01:53:33,891
Sure, yeah.
2257
01:53:34,840 --> 01:53:36,251
How are you feeling, John?
2258
01:53:36,640 --> 01:53:37,971
I'm alive.
2259
01:53:38,520 --> 01:53:40,010
You're very lucky.
2260
01:53:40,160 --> 01:53:42,083
I saw what you did on TV.
2261
01:53:42,240 --> 01:53:44,368
Yeah, he saved my ass
is what he did.
2262
01:53:44,520 --> 01:53:47,330
You know why?
Because he's a person.
2263
01:53:47,680 --> 01:53:48,806
And no matter how many
2264
01:53:48,880 --> 01:53:50,370
of you smart-ass Harvard
lawyers try to keep him down,
2265
01:53:50,440 --> 01:53:51,646
you're not gonna change that.
2266
01:53:51,760 --> 01:53:53,171
Not in our eyes.
2267
01:53:53,360 --> 01:53:54,486
Ted is real.
2268
01:53:54,840 --> 01:53:56,365
So you can go fuck yourself.
2269
01:53:57,280 --> 01:53:58,611
I will.
2270
01:53:59,200 --> 01:54:01,771
And as soon as I'm done
fucking myself,
2271
01:54:02,120 --> 01:54:04,122
I'd like to take
your case, Ted.
2272
01:54:04,360 --> 01:54:05,441
What?
Seriously?
2273
01:54:05,520 --> 01:54:07,124
TED: Oh, my God!
You heard that?
2274
01:54:07,200 --> 01:54:09,089
Oh, my gosh! TED: I don't believe it!
(CLEARS THROAT)
2275
01:54:10,400 --> 01:54:12,004
Maybe we don't want you now.
Shut up.
2276
01:54:12,080 --> 01:54:14,048
No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.
2277
01:54:14,120 --> 01:54:16,009
What made you
change your mind?
2278
01:54:16,200 --> 01:54:18,328
Well, when I saw
what John did for you,
2279
01:54:19,160 --> 01:54:21,891
that he was willing to
give his life for yours,
2280
01:54:22,320 --> 01:54:24,322
it gave me a kick in the ass.
2281
01:54:24,400 --> 01:54:27,609
Reminded me of why I chose
to do the kind of work I do.
2282
01:54:28,840 --> 01:54:31,047
I'm sorry I turned you away.
2283
01:54:31,120 --> 01:54:32,485
I was wrong.
2284
01:54:33,240 --> 01:54:34,810
As far as I'm concerned,
2285
01:54:35,040 --> 01:54:39,204
anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person
2286
01:54:39,280 --> 01:54:41,169
deserves to be called human.
2287
01:54:42,320 --> 01:54:43,401
You mean it?
2288
01:54:43,520 --> 01:54:45,090
I certainly do.
2289
01:54:45,960 --> 01:54:46,961
So,
2290
01:54:47,240 --> 01:54:48,890
shall we get started?
2291
01:54:59,200 --> 01:55:00,850
What defines a person?
2292
01:55:03,280 --> 01:55:05,009
What defines property?
2293
01:55:06,160 --> 01:55:07,764
What's the difference?
2294
01:55:09,480 --> 01:55:13,804
The anthropologist and
ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes
2295
01:55:14,160 --> 01:55:19,291
argues that the standards for
personhood include self-awareness,
2296
01:55:19,960 --> 01:55:23,123
an ability to understand
complex emotions
2297
01:55:23,440 --> 01:55:26,011
and a capacity for empathy.
2298
01:55:27,840 --> 01:55:32,801
We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.
2299
01:55:35,240 --> 01:55:36,401
What is your name?
2300
01:55:36,960 --> 01:55:38,530
Ted Clubber Lang.
2301
01:55:43,240 --> 01:55:46,687
As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,
2302
01:55:47,440 --> 01:55:49,681
we all saw
the distressing images
2303
01:55:49,760 --> 01:55:52,240
of Ted agonizing
over his fallen friend,
2304
01:55:52,720 --> 01:55:53,801
John Bennett.
2305
01:55:54,280 --> 01:55:55,964
In those images,
2306
01:55:56,080 --> 01:56:01,120
Ted exhibits all of the remaining
qualities of personhood_
2307
01:56:03,240 --> 01:56:05,641
it's right there
for anyone to see.
2308
01:56:06,840 --> 01:56:11,209
And I believe that a just
court must, by definition,
2309
01:56:12,040 --> 01:56:15,886
grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,
2310
01:56:17,160 --> 01:56:19,891
just as
the Emancipation Proclamation
2311
01:56:20,160 --> 01:56:23,687
and the Thirteenth Amendment
did so many years ago.
2312
01:56:26,280 --> 01:56:28,886
So, ladies and gentlemen
of the court,
2313
01:56:31,080 --> 01:56:33,003
I invite you
2314
01:56:34,360 --> 01:56:36,567
to change the world.
2315
01:56:38,840 --> 01:56:40,410
(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
2316
01:56:56,160 --> 01:56:59,323
Well, Johnny, this is the second
time you've made me real.
2317
01:57:00,040 --> 01:57:01,201
Thanks, pal.
2318
01:57:01,280 --> 01:57:03,169
Hey, you were
always real to me, buddy.
2319
01:57:03,320 --> 01:57:04,481
Even when you weren't.
2320
01:57:04,640 --> 01:57:05,880
Congratulations, Ted.
2321
01:57:06,280 --> 01:57:07,566
Thanks, Sam.
2322
01:57:09,520 --> 01:57:10,567
FEMALE REPORTER: Ted!
2323
01:57:10,880 --> 01:57:12,769
MAN 1: Ted!
MAN 2: Ted! Over here!
2324
01:57:12,840 --> 01:57:14,080
Ted!
2325
01:57:15,440 --> 01:57:17,249
This is quite a victory
for you.
2326
01:57:17,320 --> 01:57:19,402
Is there any statement
that you'd like to make
2327
01:57:19,480 --> 01:57:20,925
now that
you're legally a person?
2328
01:57:21,440 --> 01:57:22,885
Yes, there is.
2329
01:57:25,280 --> 01:57:26,805
Tami-Lynn IVlcCafferty,
2330
01:57:27,160 --> 01:57:28,844
will you marry me?
2331
01:57:30,400 --> 01:57:31,606
YSS.
2332
01:57:31,800 --> 01:57:33,086
(ALL cHEERING)
2333
01:57:37,320 --> 01:57:40,085
MALE NARRATOR: And so
our story comes to an end.
2334
01:57:40,440 --> 01:57:43,410
Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,
2335
01:57:43,480 --> 01:57:48,202
and soon afterward, they adopted
a fine, young baby boy.
2336
01:57:48,440 --> 01:57:50,602
Johnny,
meet your new godson,
2337
01:57:50,760 --> 01:57:52,524
Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.
2338
01:57:52,600 --> 01:57:54,682
JOHN: Oh, Teddy,
he's adorable.
2339
01:57:54,840 --> 01:57:57,525
Oh! And we got something for him, too.
John, show him.
2340
01:57:57,600 --> 01:57:59,045
Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.
2341
01:57:59,120 --> 01:58:00,565
TAMI-LYNN:
He got you something.
2342
01:58:02,160 --> 01:58:03,207
Huh?
2343
01:58:03,280 --> 01:58:04,725
Oh, Johnny!
2344
01:58:04,880 --> 01:58:06,769
TAMI-LYNN:
Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.
2345
01:58:06,920 --> 01:58:09,764
Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,
2346
01:58:09,920 --> 01:58:11,251
maybe he'll come to life
2347
01:58:11,400 --> 01:58:13,562
and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.
2348
01:58:13,840 --> 01:58:15,569
That's all I want for him.
2349
01:58:15,640 --> 01:58:19,565
Oh! It smells like somebody's
got a poopy diaper.
2350
01:58:19,720 --> 01:58:20,926
Teddy, it's your turn
to change him.
2351
01:58:21,200 --> 01:58:22,565
Oh, yeah, no problem.
2352
01:58:23,360 --> 01:58:25,806
TED: Oh! Fuck me!
TAMI-LYNN: What's the matter?
2353
01:58:25,880 --> 01:58:27,689
TED: That can't be normal.
He's got to be sick.
2354
01:58:27,760 --> 01:58:29,683
TAMI-LYNN: He's not sick,
it's just baby doody_
2355
01:58:29,760 --> 01:58:31,046
JOHN: Yeah, that's what
babies do, Teddy.
2356
01:58:31,160 --> 01:58:33,049
TED: Oh, you don't think this
diaper's gross? JOHN: No.
2357
01:58:33,160 --> 01:58:34,571
TED: All right. Here, catch.
(DIAPER SQUISHING)
2358
01:58:34,640 --> 01:58:37,086
JOHN: oh, Teddy,
what the fuck? (scREAlvllNG)
2359
01:58:37,200 --> 01:58:40,170
(TED LAUGHING) Holy shit!
Oh, you motherfucker!
2360
01:58:40,320 --> 01:58:43,085
(CAMERA CLICKING)
TED: Hashtag "Shit happens- "
2361
01:58:43,480 --> 01:58:44,970
(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
165745
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