Original subtitles

"Miracle soap washes away fat.

"Shower and shed pounds at the same time."

Well, Ma, that's perfect for you.

You can use a bar of Dove to get rid of your Dove Bar.

Ladies.

Tell me what could be better

than my new play being nominated for a Tony Award?

- Mmm. - Your face on my grandchild.

No, no, seriously, Sylvia.

I've been nominated for five Tonys.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so...

- Am I coming, too? - Of course.

Happy for you!

So, what is the play about?

- Uh, yeah. - Oh, "The Widower."

Ah, well, it's about a man who loses the love of his life

and vows never to love again.

So, he forgoes any chance to remarry

and remains a widower till the day he dies.

- Sounds very poignant. - Hmm.

You need a house to fall on you?

Ma, it's a beautiful love story.

Not even the gorgeous governess in the third act

could turn the widower's head.

I don't know what happened after that.

I was sobbing too violently.

So, where are the children?

I sent Niles to tell them I got five.

They're not coming down

until they know how many Andrew Lloyd Webber got.

Oh, good Lord.

Do you even think I'm that childish?

Two.

♪ I got five, he got two ♪

♪ I got five, he got two ♪

Maxwell, why are you in here?

Hugging children?

We've got to get out there and turn it on for the judges.

Now what would I look really great in?

A sealed mausoleum.

Kids, kids. I'm so excited.

The Tonys get so many stars.

Kids: I know, yeah, right.

Too many nominations scare me.

Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be

to be up for five awards and not even win one?

You know, the next time

you kvetch about my therapy bills,

would you remember this moment?

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪♪

Fran, don't look, but I think that's Liza

coming down the row in front of us.

I probably shouldn't have said that, huh?

Oh, hello, Miss Minnelli.

Willkommen, bienvenue.

- Welcome. - Oh!

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry that was terrible.

Here we go, one more time.

- Ooh! - Okay, okay.

Keep movin', honey. We can't see. Go ahead.

Miss Fine!

You know what? I'm out of control.

Here, take the camera from me.

All right, now this is it.

If they start to shoot our row,

I don't want anyone making rabbit ears

behind anyone else's head, all right?

Just behave yourselves.

When did I ever do that?

I wasn't speaking to you.

Oh, one time at the Angela Lansbury Roast.

Would you let it go?

Okay, now.

You know, Andrew Lloyd Webber won two awards,

you've won two awards.

And he's not up for anything else,

so you're not gonna have to hear his name mentioned again.

Man: Now, to present the nominees for Best Play,

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Webber: The nominees are

"Saint Thomas", Martin Brigg producer,

"Flight of the June Bird", Marilyn Chang producer.

And "The Widower", Ma...

Ma...

Pardon me, I'm so sorry.

Maxwell Sheffield, you little twit!

Webber: And the award goes to

"The Widower," Maxwell Sheffield, producer.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I co-produced. I raised money.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you doing? Get off me!

Do you think you could possibly manage a smile

for the reporters,

so they don't think my butler is a criminal on work furlough?

Go like this.

Forgive me, sir.

But try to see your winning an award from my point of view.

You say, "Welcome to my party, Senator."

And I say, "The little ones are cheese."

That's your job. I pay you overtime, don't I?

- What more do you want? - Look up.

You gather the whole family around for photos backstage.

Then make me stand behind you,

and pull your jacket in to give you a V shape.

Good Lord.

Crinkle your forehead.

Just for once, just once,

I wish you'd behave like a normal butler.

What the hell are you doing?

Are you insane?

Would you trust me?

You've got that whole pasty Hugh Grant,

"I need a week in Miami" look.

Maxwell, the reporters are here.

- Oh. - Nanny Fine,

I need something at your mother's house.

- Oh, what? - You.

Oh!

Did you know

that we are booked through '99?

That grieving widower speech of yours was a gold mine.

C.C., I was speaking from the heart.

- Yeah, yeah. - All those y...

Okay.

Handy wipe, I want you to scoop some ashes

out of the fireplace and put them in here.

We'll plop it on your desk and say it's Sarah.

Always near you. Yada, yada.

C.C.! I...

I will not pass off Duraflame residue

as the mother of my children.

Maxwell, I never noticed

how long and luxurious your lashes are.

Just... just send in the reporters, would you?

All right, Niles. How do I look?

Oh. You really should switch to the waterproof.

Oh. Just, knock it off.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, come this way.

Maxwell, congratulations. "The Widower" is a hit.

Do you think the play has touched a lot of people

because it's a true story of you and your wife?

Well, I think people like to see a play they can relate to.

The widower hasn't been with a woman

since the death of his wife.

Are you expecting us to believe that's true of you?

A guy like you, with those lashes?

Let... let's just say,

I think my memories will last me a long time.

Are you telling me you never plan to remarry?

Well, now, that depends.

Of course, if the right woman were to...

Miss Fine!

Ignore her, she is just the nanny.

Any of you have children?

Because we're letting her go.

- That's your nanny? - Hi.

- I saw you at the Tonys. - Uh-huh.

Nice.

So, you took the whole household?

Hey, how about a picture?

Oh, I don't really think it's appropriate.

Get me from the left, honey.

- Nanny Fine. - What?

This is a press conference,

not Eva Peron on the Rainbow Tour.

Oh.

This is Maxwell's moment.

Get out of my light.

Would you get undressed and go to bed already?

I could still get a call.

It's past midnight. The cast party is over.

He's not inviting you.

I don't know why not.

I was the inspiration for the character of the butler.

He was 25 with a blonde pompadour

and an impish grin.

Well, so was I,

600,000 Brillo Pads ago.

♪ Rum, pum pa-pa ♪

Hello, Niles. You're going somewhere?

Oh, I thought I'd just trot over to the cast party and clean up.

Oh, stop it.

You can do that in the morning.

Now, Miss Fine, you did understand

this party was for cast and crew only, right?

I mean, you weren't expecting to be invited, were you?

No.

Margaret?

It's little late for you, isn't it?

I'm home, okay? So lay off me.

You're like the last person I have to answer to.

Where did that come from?

You get back down here, young lady.

Margaret: No!

Well, she's not going to get away

with speaking to me like that.

Oh, now. Wait, wait.

Let her just calm down a little bit.

What... what do you mean? Her calm down? What about me?

Well, you're just gonna have to deal with it.

Look, when I hit puberty my mother was a size six.

When I hit 18,

so did she.

Whatever could make her leave the house

and then come back home

with a completely different personality?

Hey, I don't even wanna think about it.

Do you read those pamphlets they send home from school?

Oh, so what do you think?

Alcohol? Sex?

Not tonight! I'm too distracted.

See, see, it's really a typical adolescent reaction.

Someone else is in the limelight

and they lash out to get attention.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Yes, I see, I see.

So... so what would you suggest?

Have you tried one of those trophies

that says "Butler of the Year"?

Okay, I'm here.

Oh, I'm Dr. Miller.

Uh, please have a seat.

Ugh, this is a total waste of time.

So, Margaret,

your family feels that something's bothering you.

Well, honey, just feel free to vent your feelings.

I mean, nobody's gonna hold it against you.

Just tell us what's on your mind.

Okay. I hate him.

That's okay, that's okay. Don't take it personal.

Just let her express.

I hate you, too.

Open a window!

Open a window, I cannot breathe!

Look, Margaret, if I've hurt you,

I can't do anything about it

until I know what it is I'm supposed to have done.

Well, fine.

Here.

"The Nanny and the Hunk Producer"?

"Broadway's leading widower

keeps broad on the side for years."

You and Fran had an affair while mom was still alive.

You even cheated on your honeymoon.

Look, the pictures prove it.

Margaret, you can't believe this.

Sweetie, for this to be true,

do you know how old I would have to be?

Yeah. 40.

Oh, my God!

She's doing drugs too!

Well, the good news is

Brighton and Gracie never even saw that story

- in the tabloids. - Ah.

The bad news is I didn't know that and I told them.

But the paper's credibility was blown by the headline

"Neighbors scream eyesore as Barbara Eden

moves into giant bottle."

Still, where they got these photographs from my honeymoon?

I mean, who would want to hurt me like this

for a few thousand dollars?

Good heavens.

You got your finger caught in John Gielgud's fly.

Trust me, if I needed money,

I wouldn't have to make something up.

He was King Lear, I was his dresser.

Did I say a word?

I just wanna hit something.

I mean, doesn't it drive you crazy?

People reading this stuff and then believing it?

Look, they were accusing me of having an affair

with a married millionaire.

In my old neighborhood, that's a career goal.

All you have to do is, worry about Maggie.

Why do you care about the rest of the world?

Nobody but a mindless nutcase would buy into this junk.

You were having an affair with Mr. Sheffield

on his honeymoon?

And you're still getting six bucks an hour?

Who is it?

Grace: It's me. I'm very upset. I need to talk.

Okay, I'm in, honey. You can go.

Gracie!

Hey, I can't even get a Happy Meal by myself.

She owns me.

God, Fran, I can't believe you'd use a little girl

to get what you want.

And, it's not as easy as it used to be.

She's much bigger and less compelling.

Sweetie, I gotta get you to understand...

I do understand.

I finally understand why dad would hire a woman

off a resume written in lipstick.

And she's still our nanny

even though, like, two of us can drive.

Sweetie, these pictures of your father and I

on the beach are completely fake.

Prove it.

Look at this.

I'm wearing Clinique ivory bisque base.

Not patented until 1987, ha!

There's your smoking gun, sister.

Oh, Fran, you're wasting your breath.

Oh, Maggie, I-I can't believe you would actually think

I'm capable of something like this.

I tell you, I-I'm so hurt, I...

I don't think I could ever forgive you.

Well, Fran, what do you expect me to think?

It's so obvious dad is in love with you.

I forgive.

Oh, dad. I'm sorry.

I believe you now. Fran explained everything.

About how you told her you loved her

and then took it back.

After, of course,

saying that she's the most beautiful woman in the world

and that you can't live another day without her.

Well, did you want your daughter back or not?

Well, Maxwell, this is dreadful!

No, no, C.C. It's all right.

The children understand it's a lie.

Oh, Margaret was a little upset.

I don't give a rat's butt about them.

Ticket sales came to a screeching halt

because of this rag.

Hmm?

"Broadway's grieving widower can't keep his pants on"?

I look unbelievable in this shot.

Oh, this is too much.

Does this journalist have any idea

what he's doing to people's lives?

I'm going right down there now.

Oh, and what are you gonna do? Punch him out?

Violence never solves anything.

Besides, what do you care what the whole world thinks?

"40-year-old nanny"?

I want his blood!

You!

How can you hurt someone like this, hmm?

How can you destroy someone's reputation?

Yeah! 40?

Where'd you come up with this garbage?

I do a lot of research.

See that?

Apple bears amazing resemblance to late funny man Redd Foxx.

Do you have any idea how much pain

you've caused me and my family?

Yes.

- Don't you care who you hurt? - No.

Look, I'm warning you.

If you don't stop this scurrilous assault right now,

you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Oh, jeez, I've never been sued before.

I'm scared.

Come on, Miss Fine.

This man obviously has no conscience or remorse.

- Let's go. - Hey, pal, look.

I'm not forcing six-year-old Malaysians

to make sequined jackets.

I write for a tabloid.

I make up stuff only an idiot would believe.

John John's gettin' a divorce?

Miss Fine!

Oh, sorry.

Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

I'll never write another word about either one of you again.

Well, thank you.

You see, you gotta open up the mouth in this world.

We appealed to his decency and convinced him to stop.

Well, that and the fact it was the worst selling issue

in five years.

It serves him... What?

Laid there like a lox.

Are you telling me,

that the hunk producer and the naughty nanny

didn't fly off the stands?

Stinko. A bomb. We were embarrassed.

We're going back to Princess Di.

She sells beautiful.

I don't understand why no one wanted to read about us.

Oh, you don't know how to market us.

That's your problem, mister.

You gotta appeal to the younger demographic.

It was the 40 that killed us.

Guys, it's over.

You're dullsville.

- Ugh. - Dullsville?

You wanna see hot?

You wanna see steamy?

Get over here, naughty nanny.

Is he looking at us?

Oh, yeah.

Miss... Miss Fine, he's just turned off the light.

He's developing the film.

Well, you see, they gave me this little trophy

that says "Butler of the Year."

- Nice. - Hmm.

And I know I should be happy.

But I'm suffering from tremendous guilt.

Where do you think that comes from?

I never clean under anything.

I always lie and say that it's decaf,

because I don't feel like making a second pot.

And during prom season,

I drive the limo for extra cash.

Well, maybe you weren't meant to be a butler.

I know. I stink.

I don't deserve to be his butler.

He's so good to me.

He's even paying for this session.

I think we're going to have to talk again about this.

DeeDee,

run a TRW on Maxwell Sheffield.

But the paper lost its credibility by the, uh,

what's it...

Okay, I know it. I know it. I know.

Okay. Hmm.

Where did that come from?

You get back down here, young lady.

Oh, no, no.

Margaret: No.

Well, you wanted to get your daughter back o-or what?

What's my line?

Female: Begin from the top.

"Broadway's grieving widower can't keep his pants on"?

Oh. Oh, ha ha ha.

What do you think of this, Miss Fine?