Original subtitles

A leading pensions expert has stated

that many people's expectations of their retirement incomes

were likely to be optimistic

and that in reality millions will face retirement poverty.

The latest figures have come at a time

when pensioners are already feeling very unsure

about their futures.

Social services fear that this growing uncertainty

may lead to some pensioners taking desperate measures

in order to get by.

♪ Golden years

♪ gold

♪ wah, wah, wah

have you seen outside your window today?

It's a beautiful spring morning in the south west.

That's what we like to see.

Because storms are forecast for later on in the week.

But coming up, we've got the henleaze w.I.

♪ Nights are warm and the days are young ♪

♪ there's my baby

♪ lost, that's all

♪ save her little soul

and our brain of Bristol quiz.

Can anyone knock Kevin from keynsham

off his five-week run at the top?

Stay tuned for your chance to win the quiz of a lifetime.

♪ Opening doors and pulling some strings ♪

♪ angel

♪ come, get up, my baby

♪ in walked luck and you looked in time ♪

♪ never look back

♪ walk tall, act fine

♪ come, get up, my baby

♪ I'll stick with you, baby...

Morning, my love.

Oh.

Oh, thank you, Arthur.

As a little reward, why don't you pop in for a cuddle?

Oh. Got lots to do.

Thought I'd better make a good start.

Ah.

-Morning, George. -Morning, Arthur.

Morning, Iris.

♪ There was an Eden

how are you today?

You're late.

Uh, Martha made you a cottage pie.

I prefer Shepherd's pie.

Oh.

♪ Fell in love

♪ mm

if an adult human has a full set of teeth,

-how many is that? -Thirty-four.

I've only got a few in me head,

so I'm not really one to ask.

I know it's more than 30...

Come on, numskull. Everyone knows it's 34.

-It's 30... -Thirty-four.

I'm gonna have to hurry you, Kevin.

I'm gonna say 32.

What board game was invented in 1932 by an unemployed...

Come on in. He's just in the bedroom.

Is that my Steven?

Pot noodle, you said?

It's all I got.

When I said it weren't proper food...

...they locked me in me room.

Said I were having a turn and...Needed me rest.

But I'll tell you, Arthur.

I know whether I'm having one of my bleeding turns or not.

Mr. goode, I can assure you

the residents receive a balanced nutritional offering.

A what?

A nutritional offering.

Calorific intake.

What they eat.

Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?

I think we're getting off the point.

We ourselves were concerned

whether pot noodles were fit for purpose

and removed them from the offering.

The reaction amongst the residents

wasn't positive, to say the least.

So we reoffered them.

As for being locked in his room,

the roster shows Mr. Wilkins was assisted to his room

when he became fatigued.

If you have more feedback, here's a form.

Or you can action your information online.

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ ain't got no home

♪ or no place to roam

♪ ain't got no home

♪ or no place to roam

♪ I'm a lonely boy

♪ I ain't got a home

♪ I've got a voice

♪ I love to sing

-♪ I sing like a bird -royston: Evening, boys.

Uh, pint, royston? Or should I say Billy fury?

Diet lemonade, please, Brian.

♪ I ain't got a home

I'm playing Eric liddell

in the tewkesbury players' production

of "chariots of fire."

"I said to myself,

if I win, it's a win for god.

But now I find myself sitting here destroying it all.

But I have to.

To run would be against god's law."

I thank you.

Sounds more like "braveheart."

So how's your toy boy? Still off his game, then?

Well, let's say I haven't had a bit of tickle,

let alone any slap for longer than I care to think about.

My royston's not much fun now at the moment,

what with all our worries.

They take it very hard.

Aren't you a little too, um...

Curvaceous to play an olympic athlete?

What are you talking about? I'm an Adonis.

At least that's what my Shirley tells me.

I think you brainwashed her somewhere back in the '50s.

Only with my devilish charm and my roguish good looks.

Look, where's this diet lemonade?

He's been like this all night.

He's just found out his pension's buggered

and he's finding silly excuses

not to take a pint from his mates.

Your pension's buggered? How?

The little spiv that calls himself our financial adviser

says it's falling equity bondings

or...Something like that.

Anyway, I can't afford to buy a round,

so I'm covering Shirley's drinks and I'm not drinking myself.

Anyway, Arthur, there's nothing silly about having some pride.

So that's a pint for royston,

two more pints for us, and, uh, one for yourself.

Thank you, Arthur.

It's pride.

Eats away at the man side of them,

like trying to make them vegetarian.

Iris did that to her husband -- made him go vegetarian.

-For his health, she said. -Oh.

Pined away for a want of a sausage, he did.

Like you and me.

Oh. Sorry, boys.

That's my cue.

Come on, shirl!

Let's see it!

Oh!

Off you go.

Are you going to tell me what's wrong?

Is it Charlie?

You've not been the same since this morning.

You should have seen him.

You should have seen the clever clogs running the place,

letting him rot without a care.

As long as their balance sheets add up.

You know, when he went in there, he could walk for himself.

Now look.

Arthur, remember what we said.

We said we wouldn't let ourselves get upset

about this kind of thing.

Be thankful for what we've got...

And never forget we've got each other.

I just feel so sodding helpless.

So bloody helpless.

Hello, Mr. goode. Sorry to keep you.

Uh, just so you know, there's a note

on Mrs. goode's repeat prescription

asking that you contact your doctor.

Ah.

Is everything okay?

There's never been a problem before.

I can't tell you anything more, I'm afraid.

You really must contact your gp.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Hello there.

♪ I remember when we met

♪ I remember...

The doctor actually said that to you?

Yeah. Well, they call it the postcode lottery.

Apparently if you don't live in the right area,

you don't get your medication.

And the medication for Martha's crohn's disease

isn't covered anymore.

And you reckon it'll cost you £300 a month?

Well, that's just for the basic medication.

On top of that, there's another £1,000 a quarter

you all right for that? That's a lot of money.

I'll just have to be, won't I?

At Martha's age, i can't imagine the risks.

Now, listen. Don't say anything to the girls.

I'll sort it out somehow.

Yeah. Sure.

Cigarette club and don't spare the horses.

Wait a minute. We got a little snooping to do first.

You can do your snooping, but I'm going to Marty's party.

So am I, afterward.

Don't you realize this is a chance

for us to get in the detective bureau?

What's the matter with the emergency squad?

Haven't you got any ambition?

Sure, but not for playing cops and robbers.

Hey, driver, drop me at the cigarette club.

Your mystery will keep for an hour or so.

Will you go back with me afterwards?

It's a deal.

Come on. Come on.

All right, love? Everything okay?

I was just making a cup of tea. I wondered if you wanted one.

Lovely.

I see you've been given your complimentary cappuccino.

Yes, thank you.

Um, I've -- I've come about the letter

that I've received from you.

Yes. It's very serious.

Most unfortunate situation.

Unfortunate? What -- what do you mean?

Trafalgar electronics.

The letter we sent you. Your pension.

No. I don't understand.

Because of the letter we sent you on the, um...

...2nd of may, 5:00 A.M. new Delhi time.

No.

No, I never received a letter from you about my pension.

I've come about the letter

concerning the bowls club tenancy.

Ardagh lawn bowls and social club.

Coldharbour road?

Oh. I see.

What's this you say about my pension?

I'll try to make this as simple as possible.

Trafalgar electronics went into liquidation

on the...9th of April.

This has had a detrimental effect

on the annual return of your occupational pension,

leaving you with a seriously depleted pension pot.

But that's daylight robbery.

Sir, with all due respect, it's economics.

Maybe some tangibles will help at this stage.

At your age, a loan is out of the question.

We could discuss taking your house off your hands.

The yield would be minimal.

I don't see any other potentials.

Potentials?

Yes. Potentials.

You're going to require some extra retirement income.

Have a good day, sir.

Coming out now.

That's robbery.

Daylight robbery.

With all that's happening in the news, we asked --

are we turning our backs on our elderly?

As many pensioners feel forgotten,

thrown on the scrap heap.

We've been out and about getting your views.

Well, we're having to move in with my daughter,

as we just can't afford to keep the house on.

I was in the bank the other day,

and I might as well have been invisible.

I should've robbed the place. No one would've...

Trafalgar electronics

went into liquidation on the 9th of April.

This has had a detrimental effect...

You're going to require some extra retirement income.

...discuss taking your house off your hands.

Sir, with all due respect, it's economics.

Coming out now.

I didn't expect to see you and jemima again so soon.

Well, she's been coughing a lot.

-Would you mind taking a look? -Of course not.

Okay.

Coughing, you say?

Mm.

And a...A latte with hazelnut syrup.

No. Hold on. Change that to almond syrup.

-No. Hold on. -Do -- do you -- excuse me.

-Do you have a toilet? -Sorry, but I'm serving someone.

Yeah, but I just want to use the toilet.

Do you mind? I'm ordering here.

I just want to use the toilet.

Not without buying something you can't.

Oh. Uh...I'll have a muffin.

Chocolate, lemon, or blueberry?

Uh, blueberry.

Seriously, I was here first.

Well, you can have the muffin.

-I don't like blueberry. -Look, who am I serving?

I was first.

All right. Look. Look.

Just -- just give him whatever he wants.

I just need to use the toilet.

Fine. It's on the back on the left.

All right.

What are you doing?

What are you thinking about?

You stupid old man.

Because that's what you are.

An old man.

Stop being so stupid.

Stop making a fool of yourself.

Come on. What are you doing in there?

I've got a baby to change.

I need a wee too, mummy.

-My apologies. -Okay.

-Sorry. -Okay.

Come on, Hattie. Let's change sebby.

Bloody hell, Dave. Not so hard.

It's ringing like a bell in here.

Coming out now.

Come on, love!

We'll be late for bowls and bingo!

Oh. One 90. Top of the shop.

And that's the age of my girlfriend.

Wife said it's okay as long as she's older than her.

Here we go.

Legs 11. Those wonderful legs.

Whoo!

Come on. Let's have a check. Looks like we've got a winner.

Bingo! The full house, darling!

Here's your prize, madam.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And I'll see you all in a fortnight.

Fortnight? What about next week?

Phil says the club can't afford his petrol every week.

It's ridiculous.

Afternoon, ladies.

Oh.

The name is Thelma.

Care to help a lady enjoy her winnings?

The daring daylight robbery took place here,

outside henleaze mutual building society,

at just after 9:30 this morning.

Police are still investigating all possibilities

and talking to several members of the public

as well as bank staff.

That means they don't know who did it.

Whoever done it, good on 'em, I say.

Time someone struck back.

Poppycock. It's theft, you quiffy pillock.

What do you think they done to me?

All them fools in pinstripes drinking champers

while shirl and me haven't got a pot to pee in.

What about the guard that was hurt?

Your Byron did security. What if it had been him?

That bloke weren't badly injured.

They say he just got a broken nose.

You ever had a broken nose? It bloody hurts.

And there was me and Larry, happy as two peas in a pod.

And the poor man has an unexpected heart attack.

How unexpected?

I had time to get dressed before the ambulance arrived.

May his soul rest in peace.

I'm glad he died contented.

Must be very tough.

How -- how many months has it been since he passed?

Months?

It's been weeks, girlfriend.

And -- no disrespect to Larry --

I'm getting tired of feeling lonely.

Weeks.

Sometimes a girl just needs her coconuts.

Anyway, some plucky bugger got away with 75 grand

of the bank's money.

Time they knew what it felt like.

How much?

75 grand, they said.

Mark you, it won't do much good for him,

not if they set off the dye canisters.

Our Byron says most crims try to hack into the security cases,

and that sets them off.

Covers them and the cash in blue dye.

If me wig's not on back to front by the time we're through,

I want my money back.

If you ever feel the need to give yourself a little boost

and your fella's having a quiet spell...

...then all you need is some playt'ings.

What's "playt'ings"?

Oh.

I ain't carrying nothing.

You searched me already. I ain't carrying nothing.

Once again, it's "I'm not carrying anything."

Search him again, cully.

-You may have missed something. -Will do, chief.

♪ Everyone's a winner, baby

-♪ that's the truth -♪ that's the truth

♪ making love to you...

No one saw it? Outside the building society?

No, thanks. 75, they're claiming.

Hang on.

Someone holds up a security Van without a gun

and makes off with 75 grand, and nobody sees them at it?

Is the whole bloody town asleep?

What's the description?

There isn't one. Nobody saw it.

No witnesses?

But the security guards must have seen them.

One knocked out cold, the other locked in the back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back up there, soldier.

Confusing the old boy.

Run it past us. We'll sort it out.

Tell him.

Without the sigh, thank you, sergeant.

Yes, sir.

-Uh, robbery in henleaze. -Staffordshire.

Bristol. Outside a building society.

Security Van, sir. 75--

thousand.

Yes, thousand, sir.

-Shooters? -No, sir.

I was just telling detective Morris --

and now you're telling me.

Witnesses?

No, sir.

Come, come, sergeant.

I'm including security guards as witnesses.

So am I, sir, and they didn't see nothing.

Didn't see anything, sergeant.

Not home to Mr. double negative, are we?

So you're telling me

someone made off with 75 large in broad daylight

from the security Van outside a building society

and nobody saw anything?

This whole town asleep?

And we've finally caught up.

Keep an eye out for any copycats, connections,

similar runs, word from London links.

You don't mind if I tap up a few of my contacts

for the word on the street, eh, sid?

Tap away, stringer. Tap away.

Hello, Arthur. Everything all right?

Mm. This is coming on well.

It's a work of art.

Hm.

Just wondered if you had, um,

a handheld angle grinder that I could borrow.

-Something I can help you with? -No, no.

It's not that big a job.

I was just doing a favor for Iris next door.

Diamond-tipped wheel if you've got it.

You did it.

A spokesperson from the Bristol and south west police

stated that the robbery would have taken months of planning

by a highly organized criminal gang.

Security on all vans has been doubled

in a move that banks say is a purely precautionary measure.

The money will have been laundered already

a sophisticated underground network,

making it almost impossible to trace.

Arthur, it's beautiful.

-The valencia getaway. -Oh.

-Top of the range. -No.

And I've planned our first itinerary --

five houses, all your favorites.

We're finally going to get away.

Oh, you're such a wonderful man.

They're opening up the eastfield inn tonight.

Oh, yeah?

They've got a new chef.

Very good, apparently.

I, um, thought we might go there for a bite to eat this evening.

Well, let's see.

I might have to work late tonight.

Yes. Of course.

Silly me.

What was I thinking?

Martha, I'm going.

Just going to go and get the fish for tonight.

Oh. Have you got your bag for life?

Hm.

Okay.

Martha, I seem to have lost my, um...

I think we need to have a little chat, don't you?

How much?

£50,000.

Said 75,000 on the wireless.

They're lying.

For insurance purposes, i suppose.

Oh, fudge. Iris.

Now, you stay exactly where you are.

I will be back in a moment.

♪ Once upon a time there was an Eden ♪

Cold food.

-Is that the best you could do? -Yes.

♪ Once upon a time, Adam and Eve ♪

Oh.

Why in the name of blue blazes

did you walk up to a security guard in broad daylight

and hit him over the head?

I didn't hit him over the head.

My plan was to do it without hurting anyone.

And it was never meant to involve you.

How can it not, Arthur? I know everything.

I'm in it just as much as you are.

Whether it's by giving you your tea

or living under the same roof,

I'm aiding and abetting a known criminal.

I know.

I know.

But I got the money.

To be honest, it all happened by mistake, really,

a kind of accident.

But it has made me realize that...

...it is possible.

Are you planning to do it again?

Martha, for the first time in...

...in my life, really... I felt alive.

Relevant.

I felt like I could help.

You could go to prison.

You could be shot, Arthur.

I don't want to be a widow.

I want you with me to grow old -- older with me.

Well...They haven't caught me yet.

It's still a crime, Arthur. You're stealing.

I don't know why we're having this conversation.

My husband's a wanted man.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, w-we'll be right over.

From what we can make out,

he's taken three times the dose of his painkillers.

But we'll need to keep him in a few days to monitor him,

as he's very weak.

'Cause I've got to go find him a bed on the ward.

What are we going to do with you, Charlie?

You can't be trusted on your own.

I'm so sorry.

So, so sorry.

I just...Wanted to go.

I just...

I'm sorry, Martha.

I'm so sorry.

We have to get him out of there, Arthur,

and those other poor souls.

We -- we can't leave him like this.

Whatever we have to do, Arthur.

I'm not having this.

You know, there is a way we can help.

You might not like it, but, uh...

It could just be the solution we're looking for.

Go on, then.

Well, we need to raise money quickly.

And I've proved it can be done,

albeit a little unconventionally.

I think I can do it again -- with a bit more planning.

Okay.

-What? -You're on.

But this time,

-I'm coming with you. -No, no, no, no.

I haven't stopped thinking about Charlie and how --

how desperate he was.

And what you did.

Arthur goode, i love you so much.

I couldn't stand not being with you.

I need you now...More than ever.

So if we're going to rob banks to sort out this sorry mess...

No, no. W-wait. What -- what about your health?

Please don't bring that up. I'm fine.

Anyway, all the more reason to do it now

so we can plan the banks around the national trust houses and...

I still get to get my tour.

Ah. Right.

I knew there was an ulterior motive.

♪ There's a shout out on the street ♪

♪ there's a promise in the air

♪ when the sun goes down

♪ I hear a whisper and a prayer ♪

♪ don't give up, don't give a damn ♪

♪ go out and get it while you can ♪

♪ it's all about the what you do ♪

♪ it's not about the what you say ♪

♪ you've got to live the life you live ♪

♪ every second, every day

♪ keep the faith, don't let it go ♪

♪ if it can be, let it be so

♪ if you can't have what you want ♪

♪ hold on tight to what you got ♪

♪ yesterday won't come again

♪ this is it no matter what

♪ put all you are in all you do ♪

♪ don't ever be the who you're not ♪

♪ if you can't have what you want ♪

♪ hold on tight to what you got ♪

♪ another fool, another day

you know what to do, so let's just do what we practiced

and we'll be fine.

Mm.

Right.

Cucumber ready.

And I've got my banana.

Let's go.

Right. Nobody move.

No-- nobody will get hurt.

Right. This is a robbery.

Over there. Stand still. Stand still.

Over there.

Don't even think about it!

Right. Everything you've got. Now.

Uh, no coins, thank you, if you don't mind.

Thank you. Thank you. Now -- now, don't move.

Now, quickly. Quickly. Everything you've got.

Quickly, quickly.

Stand still. You stand still.

Now -- now, don't move and no one will get hurt.

Right. Don't move.

Don't move. Don't move.

Stay where you are.

Stay where you are.

Oh.

Oh, my. Oh.

I can't see. Where are you?

Come here. This way.

-Martha, I can't see. -We've got to get out.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no. My eyes. Where are we?

Well, that could have gone better, couldn't it?

Here.

I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry! The bank's been robbed!

I thought they came this way.

-Oh, no. -I am so sorry. Are you okay?

Are you okay? I'm so sorry.

-Come inside, please. -No. No. Please.

I'll get you a cup of tea, get you an ambulance.

-We're fine. We're fine. -He's fine.

Let me get you an ambulance just in case.

Come and sit down. We'll look after you.

It's gonna be okay.

Are you okay?

Yes.

I am so sorry.

You just stay here as long as you like.

Thank you.

Shopping?

Uh, yes, a little.

A few things.

Ah. That's the detectives.

Just a moment.

The quiet cotswold town of little Camden

saw a daring raid on one of its high-street banks this morning.

Thieves wearing old-people masks burst into the bank

brandishing what are believed to be weapons

hidden inside bin liners.

Early reports say they made a clean getaway

with the contents from the cash desks.

Police want to reassure the public

that they're doing all they can to apprehend the gang,

and believed to be extremely dangerous.

They're asking for anyone who sees anything suspicious

to call.

Any leads, young Sherlock?

Standard kind used in paintball centers up and down the country.

Reports say that over a quarter of a million

are sold in the uk each month.

They've done their homework.

They know our response times.

-You reckon they're pros, then? -Maybe, Dave.

But if they are, they've slipped up here a bit.

Something's not quite right, you know.

Sid?

What is it?

What, you want to go home? We've barely started.

I've got another date.

If I'd known you were ruddy part time...

What happened to the one from the other night?

Turns out she don't like coppers.

What did you do, handcuff her to the bed?

Jesus.

No. I won't ask about the truncheon.

It's the hot topic of the day --

just how did the little Camden robbers

just simply vanish into thin air?

Have we lost faith in our police force?

Call in and let us know your thoughts.

This is Dan David taking you through till dawn.

All right, sid.

You've watched it 30 times.

So what is it you're not seeing?

'Cause I'd quite like to go home now.

It's rather romantic.

We're outlaws -- like that Thelma and Lacey.

-Thelma and Lacey? -Mm.

Bonnie and Clyde, you mean.

Look, I've been thinking.

We nearly got caught today.

We need something.

We need, um, we need a device.

It doesn't do anything,

but we put a motion sensor on it.

Like Mrs. Robbins did for her tits.

The blue tits and gray tits and all the other birds that come,

and then she films on her bird feeder.

Like that Kate humble did on "springwatch."

They used a motion sensor.

So we put one of those on it, and we say,

"nobody moves...Or it goes off."

Oh, that's a brilliant idea, Arthur.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Listen.

-They've come for us, Arthur. -Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

When you're doing dogging,

you're supposed to keep the curtains open.

♪ Get away from me forever

♪ I'm sorry we were together

♪ all you did was put me on

♪ and put things off for oh, so long ♪

♪ and now I've found somebody new ♪

♪ to do the things you wouldn't do ♪

♪ now I bid you sweet farewell

♪ and say I could always tell

♪ all you did was ever use me

♪ and now you're gonna lose me

♪ 'cause I've found somebody new ♪

♪ to do the things you wouldn't do ♪

♪ and I can tell by the way that you... ♪

So I says to this director -- i says to him,

"i must be allowed to follow my impulses."

And then I says to him, "you can stuff your bloody play."

Ooh. Don't you think you'll regret that?

No chance, shirl.

I will not be trammeled.

Trammeled?

What does that mean? Huh?

Oh, you've gone all quiet. That's not a good sign.

-Here, shirl. -Yeah?

Looks like we gone and won a competition.

Look. "You are a winner."

No, we haven't. We don't do winning.

Yeah, we've won £25,000, "no strings attached."

Royston merriweather, I've told you before --

these are all scams.

To phone in and collect your winnings or something.

No. We don't have to call up or anything.

Oh, stop it. We haven't won any money.

You probably have to go for a meeting

and they'd sell you a time-share --

or they'd get you to sign your house away.

No. I've not gone doolally yet, my poppet.

There's no catch.

See, the dosh is in an account in our name.

Seems it's something to do with some pools-accumulator thingy

we done yonks ago.

"Go to your local bank and sign on the dotted line."

Eh?

Okay.

- Wha-hey! - Oh! Royston.

Just when we thought we'd been scuppered!

-Back to bed, I think, shirls... -Oh, shush.

...for a little midmorning celebration, eh?

I will go and prepare the stage.

Yes!

But we've never done the pools.

♪ Let me be your angel

♪ let me hold your hand

♪ put your head on my shoulder

♪ and together we'll stand

right. This is a robbery.

Nobody move.

Stay calm.

Stand against the wall and nobody will get hurt.

Stand against the wall. Against the wall, I said.

It'll all be over soon.

Your instructions are in here.

Do as you're told, and nobody will get hurt.

Stay calm, everybody.

This is an explosive device with motion sensors on it.

Yes!

Sid. It's alf.

We just had reports of a holdup in burkeley.

They're sending in an armed response team.

Stringer's all the way over in castle coombe. Where are you?

Christ! We're only just down the road.

Keep calm.

Keep calm. Stand against the wall.

Stay where you are.

Now, it's activated.

It's armed, so don't move for the next five minutes.

Otherwise it will go off.

Right. Keep calm.

Oh. I got it.

Damn it!

They just left.

Here. Sid.

No. That can't be.

Careful.

Come on.

Hide that cucumber.

Excuse me.

Did you see a-a couple of men

or maybe a man and a woman come this way with a trolley?

They might have been wearing masks.

Oh, no, no, no.

We've been here quite a while, we have.

We haven't seen anybody. No, no.

We're, um, we're just having a bit of lunch.

My wife's in there making sandwiches now.

Okay. Thanks for your time.

That's a nice piece of kit.

Yeah. We like it.

Much more economical than paying for hotels and b&bs.

You can't be too careful with your money these days.

My wife says we should get one when I retire.

She wants to do a tour of stately homes

oh. Well, you can tell her from me it's most amenable.

-Ah. Sid. -Thank you.

They vanished.

And I've had stringer go mental on me on the phone.

Well, I hope you find the, uh, two men you're looking for.

Well, sorry to, uh, interrupt your lunch.

Oh, not at all.

- Nice talking to you. - And you.

Nice to talk to you officers.

Oh. Would you like a sandwich?

I've made a few too many. It's a shame to waste them.

-Take a few for later. -Oh.

Thank you.

-Oh. -Thank you very much.

How do two people just disappear

after robbing a busy high-street bank, Dave?

Without arousing any suspicion.

What are the bloody chances, eh?

We're never gonna hear the end of this one.

One more, I think, and then we can go home and see our friends.

It might be a good idea if, um,

I had a little target practice first.

Do you think?

That's a very good idea.

This is getting serious.

♪ I'm going up the country

♪ babe, don't you want to go?

♪ I'm going up the country

♪ babe, don't you want to go?

♪ Take you to someplace i never been before ♪

♪ I'm goin', I'm goin' where the water tastes like wine ♪

It's a fake.

It's made from diy parts.

This is a clever bunch of sods, cully.

I'd put money on it they've had military training.

Maybe even...Special forces.

-Special forces. -♪ gonna leave this city

♪ got to get away

♪ gonna leave this city

♪ got to get away

rob? Rob, can you hear me, mate?

Bill! Bill! What's going on there?

It's the wrinklies we let in 20 minutes ago.

They're out of control!

The woman, she's gone crazy.

I don't think I can hold them, rob.

♪ 'Cause there's a brand-new game that I just want to play ♪

Key thing here is focus.

Oh, look out.

-Hey! -All right!

If it isn't the widow twankey and buttons.

More like dobbin the pantomime horse if you ask me.

-Ooh. -I don't know, cully.

Last time I looked, a pantomime horse came with only one arse.

Give it a rest, stringer.

Look out, sid. He's behind you.

Oh, no, he isn't!

Oh, yes, he is!

All right, all right. That's enough.

With fourteen forces all feeding back,

they seem to be on something of a spree.

Three connected so far.

My press briefings, I would imagine, will scare them, so --

all right. Thanks, stringer. I'll take it from here.

It's all right, sid.

I've got this one.

I said I've got it.

Thanks.

Chief?

Sid, why don't you sit down?

I've asked stringer to take us through some new ideas.

Sorry for the interruption, people.

Now...If I can just get back my train of thought.

So, did you have a lovely time?

Marvelous. The houses were beautiful.

I wasn't asking about the houses.

Oh.

As lovely as it's been in years.

What about you?

Normal service resumed.

I want to do press briefings and TV appearances...

...purely to let them know we're onto them and make them think.

I think we can safely say that they'll be a little worried

that they've met their match.

Jesus.

I've written up assignments for you all.

Not for you, sid.

You've done the donkey work here.

You can take a rest for a while, ride shotgun with me.

Sod this.

Sid.

Hold on.

Sid, come on. You're bigger than this.

That's the point, son. I'm not.

Sid!

My shirls and me discovered a little pot of gold

we never knew we had.

Brought us right back from the brink.

Brian here, he only went and got given a grand.

Really?

-Well, what for? -It's nothing, really.

It's just some money to train new apprentices.

But it means i can keep the place going.

That's for sure.

Uh, I'm looking for an Arthur goode.

I'm an Arthur goode.

Name's Taylor.

I represent the danville family

that own the land on which this establishment currently sits.

Sent you a letter some weeks ago about the tenancy.

The family that own the land want to sell it

and gave the club first refusal.

Well, the auction's coming up soon,

and if we can't buy it, we lose our club.

There's nothing you could have done anyway.

As you said before, there's no way the club could afford it.

Yeah, I know.

I just wish I hadn't let myself get so distracted.

...it's not just a club where people come to play bowls

or bingo or have a few drinks.

It's more than that.

I mean, look at sylvie here.

She comes here every day,

talking to people, seeing people.

If it wasn't for that,

she wouldn't have any proper human contact at all all week.

And frank here, he can barely afford to feed himself.

Phil gives him a job collecting glasses and gets him a few Bob,

makes sure he gets a good meal.

This is more than a social club, Martha.

It's a lifeline for some people.

We can't let it be destroyed.

Because they'll be destroyed along with it.

How much do we need?

A damn sight more than we've taken already.

Quickly too.

There's only a week before the auction.

Come on.

Let's invite the gang back to ours.

You can bore them with our photos.

Oh, steady.

Oh, blimey.

Wow. Oh.

Oh, she really is a beauty, eh?

This shining carriage set in a sea of gray,

this steed of champions, this valencia getaway.

Blimey.

- Hello. - Come in.

-Let me take your coat. -Thank you.

There you go.

So, where is he, the old chap? What have you done with him?

When he saw the caravan, he said it's his romany blood

and it's been like that since they did "Carmen."

And then he had to have a nose around.

Well, he can look all he wants.

He's not just looking at it. He's in it.

We'll understand

if you wish to rethink your friendships with us.

We know we've broken the law.

I get confused just using the bank's website.

You're a pair of bloody geniuses.

I'd like to give you a great big kiss, both of you.

I've always wanted to play Robin hood.

Oh, royston, it's not really quite like that.

Martha, dear, in for a penny, in for a million.

That's what I say.

It'll be my finest performance yet.

Royston, shouldn't we talk?

Remember what the doctor said about overexerting.

Now, come on, shirl.

Now is the time to stand up and be counted with them.

Just think of the fun we can have, eh?

Pools accumulator!

Very funny!

Well, Brian?

Chicken?

Look, I've pulled your arse out of the fire

every time you've dropped a cigar down your trousers.

But this...

Well, it's not just about me.

I've got my apprentices to think about.

Haven't you worked it out yet, you daft besom?

This couple, who butter wouldn't melt in their mouth,

they're the secret investors in your apprentice scheme.

Royston, stop your bullying.

Look, royston doesn't bully me.

He just talks louder than I do.

I know you all think I'm the quiet one,

but that doesn't mean there isn't stuff going on.

And it is a bloody silly idea,

but I understand why you're doing it.

And actually, I think you're being very brave.

Stupid, but brave.

And if anyone is able to think straight

and keep you out of jail, then that's me.

So if you think I'm gonna let you rob

a million quid or whatever it is

without me to keep you out of trouble, then you're wrong.

Arthur, we're in.

What's the plan?

Sodbury.

It's where they keep the money for the bankers' bonuses --

what they call their "golden years retirement fund."

Cheeky sods.

I love it.

They may take our lives,

but they can never take our pensions.

They already have.

They may take our pensions, but they can never take our lives.

Aw, Nance, you broke the yolk.

Oh, you noticed that, did you?

Nancy, what's the matter?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?!

Maybe I should go and rob a bloody bank.

-Nance. -Then you'd notice me.

I don't bloody believe it.

It's them in that bloody caravan.

Bingo.

Dial it up, shaz.

Let's go tropical truffle.

Hello, Mrs. Morris.

I'm really sorry to disturb you.

He just hasn't been himself since these robberies started.

He's just absolutely obsessed with them.

I've never known him to bring his work home before.

I thought that was a map of the route we were going to take

'round national trust properties for my birthday trip.

But no. It's all to do with the robberies.

So all these places are --

national trust properties, you see.

So we'd start up here at little Camden

and go 'round in a great big circle.

Bloody hell.

So, where would you like to go next, after this one?

Oh. Well, there's syon house here.

Or grittleton manor there.

Oh, and sodbury hall.

They've got the most beautiful little victorian walled garden.

Yeah.

Yes, any of those three, really.

You little beauty.

My friend val is a volunteer.

They're shutting down, though, on Friday.

They've got to clean them up for the summer season.

So, anyway, would you like one of my little coconut macaroon--

well, I see my Sidney's trained you very well.

Pick up.

This is Sidney Morris.

Leave a short message and I'll get back to you.

Sid, listen.

I can't go into all the details now,

but I'm almost certain that the next robbery will take place

in the next two days in one of three places,

all within 20 minutes of each other.

There's a connection with the national trust properties.

That's why it has to be in the next few days --

before they close up for some sort of spring clean.

There's syon town, grittleton, and sodbury.

It has to be one of those.

I hope you get this, sid.

By detective inspector Keith stringer,

uh, detective, can you tell us --

what do you know so far about these criminals?

A crew like this will have huge resources to draw on.

They'll have the latest technology at their fingertips.

Don't be fooled by their old-people masks.

Underneath, they are ruthless young men

who are highly trained both mentally and physically

and will stop at nothing to get what they want.

I urge the public not to approach them

we will hunt them down, and we will bring them to justice.

As Arthur approaches the bank teller,

I take out the cctv cameras.

And I distract the security guards by fainting.

Ugh!

Are you okay? Are you all right?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Do you want to sit down?

♪ Jesu, lover of my soul

♪ let me to thy bosom fly

♪ while the nearer waters roll

♪ while the tempest still is high ♪

♪ hide me, o my savior, hide

♪ till the storm of life is past ♪

-A lovely service. -Thank you.

♪ Safe into the haven guide...

How are you? Are you all right?

Poor royston.

I shall miss him...

...so much.

Yes. Me too.

He was the life and soul of our club.

What are we going to do now?

If we stop now, it'll all be for nothing.

Shirley, the club -- they need us now more than ever.

We've got to do something, Martha.

I know you're right, but we're going to need more people.

Well, then we'll get more people.

Let's make royston proud.

We've had word from our high-level sources on the street

they're gonna hit one of three banks in the next two days.

We'll be focusing our mission on what I'm now calling...

...the golden triangle --

syon town, grittleton, sodbury.

We've looked at the geography of the robberies,

and this follows a complex pattern that...

I won't go into now.

So, what are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

Gonna cover the whole bloody lot.

Okay. Phil's in.

He jumped at the chance to help save the club.

He'll clear the cash desks with Brian

while Martha and i deal with the vault.

Thelma's up for it

as long as she can play the hostage role.

So, are you doing anything nice this weekend?

Well...I have on something that will be fun.

Sounds good.

Now, there's a lot of money,

so we'll get it out in two stages.

Charlie will act as the getaway driver for the first amount.

Getting the second lot out will have to wait

until the time is just right.

Right.

Off we go.

Everything's good.

Martha.

Martha?

Martha, are you all right?

Martha.

Martha, wake up.

Martha, please.

You.

Yes, it's me.

She has -- she suffers terribly from crohn's disease.

If you could help.

Martha?

Martha, can you hear me?

She seems to be breathing okay.

1165. 1165 to X-ray.

I need an ambulance to henleaze.

I'll get some water.

Stay calm for me, Martha.

Nance. What are you doing here?

Well, you scribbled down an address

next to a license plate number, so I thought I'd come and see

where you keep disappearing off to.

It's, uh... Not what it looks like.

Oh, don't be so stupid, Sidney Morris.

Have you called an ambulance?

It's on its way.

Hello.

Martha?

Martha, would you like to go inside

till the ambulance comes?

Thirty-five years gives a copper the chance

to work every kind of case you can imagine.

But you?

You just don't fit.

It just don't add up.

You think this was about money?

It was about what was fair.

Jails are full of blokes who stole money that wasn't theirs,

all of them claiming life dealt them a bad hand.

You wait till they steal your pension from under your nose.

You'll find out what you think about your precious rules.

Martha's settled.

The ambulance will be here in a minute.

What's going on here, then?

I said what's going on?

I ain't getting talked down to by a ruddy crook.

-I'm not a crook. -Yeah?

And I'm not the one who's looking at a stretch.

All right. That's enough.

Arthur, i think Martha would appreciate

and I wouldn't mind a few minutes alone with my husband.

-Thank you. -Nance, he could run off.

Sidney.

I have to tell you we never hurt anyone.

And we only took back what had been taken from us.

Don't buy it, Nance.

Sidney, if you take those poor people in,

I will never, ever speak to you again.

"These poor people"?

Never, Sidney.

I've put up with enough.

Years and years of going without.

Going without nice things

because the pay wasn't up to much.

Years of sleeping alone, just lying there in bed

wondering if you're gonna come home late -- if at all.

Years and years of going without...

...well, the other.

You used to take me away from time to time to make up for it.

Well, that stopped happening, didn't it?

Every day I sit up there like a silly teenager doing my hair,

doing my lippy, trying to look nice for you,

hoping you'll notice, but you never do.

And tonight -- tonight I'll be going to the bingo.

I've been going to the bingo every Thursday

for the last 10 years.

Like a bloody hamster on a bloody wheel.

And do you know, Sidney, i bloody hate bingo!

Love.

Just do the right thing.

That's all that matters.

We can work out the rest.

This is our marriage on the line -- right here, right now.

So you drink your tea and you think about that.

You've got the time it takes me to get Martha's shawl

from the caravan.

Do you mind?

Ah. Sorry.

I'm just a little bit...

-Yeah. -...You know.

I've got an awful feeling something bad has happened.

I know.

It's the waiting that's the hardest part.

Cashier number two, please.

Well, well, well.

Look what we have here.

I'll stop you there, son, if you don't mind.

Stop pissing about, stringer. This woman needs help.

Pull the other one.

It's got more bells on than Santa's nob.

I've got to take this lady --

shut up.

Oh. You not feeling very well?

Nobody's going anywhere until I say so.

Especially not you two cons.

Or indeed you, sid.

I knew you was bent from the beginning.

Couldn't work out how these two were getting away.

Decided to have a little look at the cctv footage,

and there you were, leaning on the getaway car,

getting all cozy with the occupants.

You two are going down.

And you, sid.

You're all washed up.

Mess with a stringer and you've messed with a --

found it!

Arthur and Martha are in position.

Let's go.

No one get silly and act the fool

and we'll all leave here with our lives intact.

-Everybody against the wall. -No, no. No. Don't shoot.

Right. You. Out of the way.

Say hello to my little friend.

And, you, follow these instructions.

Five minutes and counting.

Oh, it's you, isn't it?

I can't believe this is happening to us.

Yes. All right, chantelle. They are about to rob us.

Everyone okay?

Mm-hmm. Yes, thanks.

I'm commandeering this vehicle.

Any trouble...

...and I'll arrest the bloody lot of you.

They've only hit sodbury.

It's only bloody on.

Get the boys scrambled as fast as you can.

Boss. Boss. Are you getting this, boss?

I'm on my way.

Don't do anything until I get there.

Every one's a winner, baby.

That's the truth.

That's the truth.

Whoa!

Well, look at that.

Lush.

After you.

We'll get the first batch of money away.

-Time check? -Two minutes, 35 left.

Bang on time, Charlie.

Away you go.

The next lot, ladies and gentlemen,

is two acres of prime development land

in the north Bristol suburb of henleaze,

at present the ardagh bowling club.

Great deal of presale interest. Where will you bid me?

Start me at £1 million, someone.

At £1 million. At £1 million only.

£1,100,000?

-Status? -No idea.

These guys responded to the alarm call.

Front door's been shut since we got here.

This is detective sergeant Keith stringer.

You are surrounded.

Come out with your hands up.

I don't want to hurt anybody!

I'm here for the bank's money, not your money.

Your money is insured.

Nobody here loses a penny.

Come out with your hands up.

Shall we hand it to tactical?

No, we're not handing it to sodding tactical.

We move in 60 seconds.

You and two of yours with me and cully.

Think of your families and don't risk this lady's life.

I'm going to deal with you later, you naughty boy.

You know what to do.

Customers to the room to the right...

...and staff the room to the left.

Thank you.

Okay. We're approaching the door.

Over.

You lady-boys quite finished?

Sorry, Keith.

You push the door open and I'll lead in.

-Ah. -Ah.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Just one more, sir.

£1,600,000.

£1,700,000.

At £1,700,000.

And there's the bid. You're all out?

At £1,700,000 once.

At £1,700,000 twice.

£2 million!

-I'm sorry? -£2 million.

At £2 million.

Spread out.

Be careful.

You sure we shouldn't call tactical?

It's not like they're going anywhere.

Don't be such a tart.

You two go that way.

Cully...On me.

Sir. Yes, sir.

At £2 million. Any more at all?

£2 million, then, at once.

£2 million twice.

Make your way through there.

This one's my turn.

Stand back.

I'm going in.

At £2 million, for the third and last time and done.

Thank you very much.

Hey, hey!

Oh!

Go on through, sir.

Sid?

Thanks for your help.

I was very pleased to be able to help.

Don't worry, Mr. Henderson, sir.

We're just trying to find the spare keys.

...and made off with what we believe was the money

to be distributed to bankers as their bonus.

And here's the detective who was leading the investigation.

Uh, detective stringer, can you confirm reports

that it was your direct actions

that led to the criminals making away with the money?

Any comment? Comment, sir?

Sir, any comment?

It's now been five days

since the sodbury alliance robbery.

Despite an armed cordon,

the gang escaped with just over £2 million,

making this their largest haul to date.

Bank sources say this volume of money

would be extremely difficult to move

under any circumstances, let alone during a heist.

A police spokesperson stated

an extremely sophisticated escape plan in place

that allowed them to get the cash away

from the scene unnoticed.

Bank staff are being questioned, as an inside job

has not been ruled out at this stage of the inquiry.

♪ Once upon a time, there was an Eden ♪

♪ whoa

♪ once upon a time, an Adam and Eve ♪

♪ a-fell in love

♪ oh, oh, they fell in love

♪ like you and I

♪ like you and I

♪ once upon a time, there was Delilah ♪

♪ once upon a time the devil, and she tempted man ♪

Do you think they'll be all right?

Of course they will.

Anyway, we'll be able to look after them.

♪ Me

just as long as you're there with me.

♪ Once upon a time, i knew just what to do ♪

♪ but that was long before...

I love dom Jones.

I've had him.

1965, 'round the back of merthyr rugby club.

Not so good up against the wall, though.

♪ In love with you

could you please make sure

that you buy tickets for Tuesday's dance?

It's a fundraiser.

Well, we're trying to raise 30 grand to stop them shutting

the old people's drop-in center at Ashton corner.

They want to turn it into luxury flats, apparently.

♪ Once upon a time

someone's stolen my cucumber.

♪ Good morning, world

♪ it's a brand-new day

♪ I'm packing my bags and I'm going away ♪

♪ I'm moving my legs and my city-tired bones ♪

♪ I got to get away from the busy man's phones ♪

♪ down to Malibu, where the living is wild and free ♪

♪ if you want to get happy

♪ then, people, come along with me ♪

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ run along, boy

♪ save a place for me

♪ I'm getting so tired of the company ♪

♪ I'm getting black looks from the big white man ♪

♪ I've got to get away just as fast as I can ♪

♪ down in Malibu, where the living is wild and free ♪

Come on. Sit anywhere you like.

♪ People, come along with me

it's a mystery tour.

Not even I know where we're going.

How are you? You all right?

♪ Good morning, freedom

♪ I got to break away, got to break away, got to break away ♪

♪ yeah, yeah

♪ good morning, freedom

♪ it's another day, it's another day, it's another day ♪

♪ yeah, yeah

♪ good morning, freedom

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ all over the world, it's the same old game ♪

Official-type living is the thing to blame

loving thy neighbor is a real-life thing

there's only one way to get the people to sing

♪ down to Malibu, where the living is wild and free ♪

♪ if you want to get happy

♪ then, people, come along with me ♪

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ bow-bow-bow-bow-bow

♪ bow-bow-bow-bow-bow

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ bow-bow-bow-bow-bow

♪ bow-bow-bow-bow-bow

♪ a bee-bow-bow, bow-bow-bow-bow ♪

♪ all my life, i worked and saved ♪

♪ and I held my head up high

♪ then the pinstripe vultures came to town ♪

♪ and they left me high and dry ♪

♪ now, some might say what I do is wrong ♪

♪ that I'm taking liberties

♪ but I'm making good on the things I should ♪

♪ and it feels all right to me

♪ now, I'm no politician

♪ but I see my friends getting poorer every day ♪

♪ I don't have great ambition

♪ but there's nothing to lose and hell to pay ♪

♪ hard time

♪ is hell

♪ but when the going gets tough ♪

♪ there's time enough to treat your people well ♪

♪ hard time

♪ is hell

♪ when the time is right stand up and fight ♪

♪ to the chime of the mission bell ♪

♪ spent my life playing by the rules ♪

♪ but the rules ain't play by me ♪

♪ now the meter's run and the time has come ♪

♪ gonna set my people free

♪ some might curse and criticize and say I've crossed the line ♪

♪ but I'm not afraid to do what's right ♪

♪ and that's why I don't mind

♪ now, I'm no politician

♪ but I see my friends getting poorer every day ♪

♪ I don't have great ambition

♪ but there's nothing to lose and hell to pay ♪

♪ hard time

♪ is hell

♪ there's time enough to treat your people well ♪

♪ hard time

♪ is hell

♪ is hell

♪ when the time is right stand up and fight ♪

♪ to the chime of the mission bell ♪

♪ hard time

♪ is hell

♪ oh, hell

♪ there's time enough to treat your people well ♪

-♪ hard time -♪ treat your people well

♪ is hell

♪ when the time is right stand up and fight ♪

♪ to the chime of the mission bell ♪

♪ when the time is right

♪ stand up and fight

whoo!