Original subtitles

GRAAL and the Greek Film Centre present

a film by George Panoussopoulos

TESTOSTERONE

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Hey sailor! Your coffee's ready!

Hey, man!...

You know what the trouble is, Zachos?

OK, so I waste one day of my leave on the car. Fuck it.

But what if your cousin changes her mind and doesn't show up?

What then?

Relax man. Kitsa's cool.

I'm telling you man, she's got the hots for you.

There's no way she won't come. I know what I'm saying!

You just make sure you do your duty, Cause no car, no pussy.

What if the car doesn't start? It's been in the garage two years.

Ever heard of a 'VW Beetle', newbie?

A quick jumpstart and you're flying!

It's a mean machine... Shows you're a man...

who gets thing done.

Women go for that shit, dude!

Yeah, so long as Kitsa doesn't change her mind...

and I end up being fucked...

Man, you're a fuckin' asshole. Just listen to yourself!

You got an aunt that worships you, and wants to give you a car.

I've made sure there'll be pussy waiting for you...

...in the back seat...

What can I say man?... Fuckin' reject!

Check her out! Would you stick it in her?

If she puts out? You bet!

Not the one in the ad, stupid, the other one...

...sitting. Would you do her?

Her? Nah...

Gimme a break, man!

You're so horny you'd do my fuckin' Grandma!

What's up, guys? Is my wife a beauty or what?

Relax! Just kidding! All the women in the world are mine...

if I get to fuck them. Right?

What did I tell you?

What's more guys, the day will come,

and this is science speaking no bullshit,

when we won't have to go runnin' after them...

- ...they'll be running after us! - But it's already happening!

When did it start? How come I never heard about it?

Hey! Yes, I'm here.

In the fuckin boonies.

I can't believe you talked me into this!

Stop bitching, swabbie!

It's only one fuckin night. You'll be back tomorrow.

Yeah, anyway, we'll talk tomorrow.

The moment I set foot on the island I got depressed.

I remember what summer was like here, when I was a kid.

Tits, chicks, and tiny bikinis... Now... it's a fuckin' desert.

As for pussy? Nothing!

Take it easy Argyro! Whazzup, auntie?

- Welcome, my boy! - Hey there, auntie.

Bring the boy's backpack inside, girl!

We'll have the time of our life.

Come boy, let me give you a hug.

Careful, girl you'll kill him!

- How're things in the army? - It's the navy...

OK, I guess. First days were hard, but now things...

You've nothing to worry about! You're a true 'Kontoleon'!

The blood of your grandpa runs through your veins...

and my grandfather, and my grandfather's grandfather...

the pirate! Come on, let's go inside!

"Captain, oh captain get your uniform ready...

'cuz come Sunday, don't you forget I'm gonna be your wife..."

Fuck!

Jesus fucking Christ!

First thing to go wrong. The cell's fucked.

St Elijah's church's in the way. No signal...

And if saints want a piece of me...

I'm fucked!

- Where are your trunks, boy? - What trunks?

Don't you wear undies in the navy? Did they take them from you?

- Who'd take them? - The Turks... I don't know...

Turks? It's that they're tight...

Oh they're tight, huh? Now you eat up. You look scrawny!

I've cooked you the biggest rooster in the yard for you.

Your grandpa, remember him, God rest his soul...

he'd eat four roosters in one sitting, all by himself! The greatest lover!

- Grandpa was the greatest lover? - The rooster was.

If it wasn't for that old cow, I'd be all alone in the world.

You cry out and no one hears you in this place!

What was that? D'you hear that?

You mean "the present" your good- for-nothing sister brought with her?

Roula? Roula's here? Isn't she in London?

- When did she get back? - Sit down.

She's not here. She's coming tomorrow or the day after.

Seems she's looking for stuff for an exhibition she's having.

This time she brought Two more of her kind!

What's that stuff she's looking for? I've got no idea.

A man, probably, cause there's a shortage,

in England. They ran out of real men years ago. Eat up!

Didn't she tell you where she was going?

Naxos... Syros...

Fuck! I'm leaving tomorrow.

You won't be missing much. So are you taking the car?

- Yeah, if you don't mind... - Way to go, boy!

You're my precious nephew. Everything I've got is yours to take.

What's more, if you don't take the car that bitch sister of yours sure will...

and I ain't planning on giving it to her!

I'll take it.

I'll check it out tomorrow.

Is Vlassis still running that auto-repair shop?

I need to have the battery charged.

- The shop's still open. - It's nine fifty-five.

If he's not there his sister is.

So, my boy, everything is OK.

Got to go now. See you tomorrow.

I got an appointment with Dolores in Buenos Aires.

Goodnight!

Your aunt really loves you.

Dimitroula took these pictures...

last year...

She says she'll send them to New York...

to the "xobition"...

First night on the island.

My old room. The room where I'd spend my summers as a kid.

This is where I first jerked off with that Swedish chick.

I've got to wrap things up and get going...

before any shit happens in this fucked up place.

Argyro milked the cow with her own little hands.

She won't let anyone else milk Marigoula. Remember your uncle?

He used to drink the milk straight out of the bucket!

Come on, lazy bones. Finish up with the rooster.

Go iron the boy's clothes.

I've got an errand for you in the village.

What sort of errand?

Check out these lottery numbers for me

Clumsy cunt!

Aunt!

No, no.

Don't touch this one, boy, don't touch her.

- I'm going to my room. Call me when you're ready to leave.

Gonna go to the garage to check out the car.

Is the door locked?

Call me to open up for you.

This car's been everywhere.

All over Europe... Now it's yours, my boy!

Drive safely and Godspeed!

Zachos says we should do things our way...

...go against the grain in this 'cult' classic,

but this piece of shit isn't going anywhere.

I'm afraid I'm spending one more night on this island.

At least if I get lucky with that bra stuffing Chinese chick.

Anyway, if the Beetle gets started I'm outta here.

Petros!

It's me Olga. Remember me?

I live next door... Mr. Vangelis' daughter...

Right. So, Olga, what's up?

Good. And you? I heard you're in the Navy.

- Yeah. - And you came to see us.

I'm on my leave. I came to get the car.

Your aunt said you'd be here working on the car...

and I thought I'd bring you some cherry preserve.

Come on! Try some! I made it myself.

Nice, huh?

See? I told you so. Now have some water.

I make all sorts of preserves. Bergamot, bitter orange, figs...

- How long are you staying for? - I'm thinking of leaving today.

Got to get the battery fixed first...

if I miss the ferry today, tomorrow, the latest.

- So soon? -We, sailors, never stay in one place long.

- Olga! - My Dad!

I'll be back, so you can taste more of my preserves.

Olga! Come on!

- The tray! - It's ok. I'll get it later.

You'll see. I've made great progress!

"Let me kiss your lips And let me die..."

Hey, girls!

Hey there!

Bottoms up!

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Who's that? Looks familiar.

Vlassis!

Vlassis!

Petros!

Petros? Is that you?

Good morning, Mrs. Angela. How are you?

You've grown up! I barely recognized you!

- I heard you're in the Navy? - Yes, I'm on leave.

So, how are things? How's Mr. Phaidon?

It's been two years that he...

But anyway... Life goes on... But enough about me.

Tell me about yourself. Life is for youth...

And what youth! You're a real doll, just like your father!

Well, Petros! That was a surprise! Do drop by...

- I want to see more of you. - Sure.

Do you happen to know where Vlassis is?

No, it's been days since I saw him last.

He's left Vasso to fill in for him...

but all she cares about is soap operas.

Mrs. Angela! The cookies!

Oh, that's Dimitris! We have to get the cookies out of the oven.

Excuse me.

- You'll come by again, right? - Sure, sure.

Hey, Angela... what's up?

How're you coping with your loss?

- Hey babe! - Fuck off!

Vasso!

Hey Vasso, what's up? You OK?

Vasso? It's me, Petros, Mrs. Fotoula's nephew.

How are you? You OK?

Vasso? Vasso, are you OK?

Vasso?

Chill out, Vasso.

Eusebio!

Yeah, we kinda look alike. He's in a soap thingy, right?

Fucking A!

He's good, eh?

Fucking A!

Listen, I brought a battery that needs to be charged.

Give it to me.

Here.

When are you leaving?

I've arranged to go off for the W.E. with some friends.

'W.E.'? What's that?

Weekend in Arachova...

and I'm also hoping to fix Grandpa's Beetle.

Weekend? Whoa kiddo, take it easy.

D'you know how long it takes for a battery to charge?

Yes, but I've only got a few days off.

It's been two years since your Grandpa died, right?

Yes.

What do you think...

Fuck! I got it everywhere.

By the way, where's Vlassis?

Vlassis? The asshole's in Athens.

Every winter he leaves me here to clean after his shit.

Good thing you know about cars and you can manage.

Well, I gotta have some skills, right?

A girl my age has to start thinking about settling down!

It's charging OK, right?

Backgammon?

Let's play a little backgammon.

Get the chair.

But not Moultezin style... Beavers. I'm a Beavers kinda woman.

Roll the dice.

Aunt! Aunt!

Aunt! I'm off! The engine's running and I'll miss the boat!

D'you hear me?

See! That's a mighty car you've got.

Come, boy. Here's a few Euros for the trip. I'd given you more..

but fucking Lazio won the visitors' game and wrung me dry!

Thanks!

Thanks for everything, Aunt!

Go! Go now!

So long Argyro!

Come on, lazy bones. Get cracking. There's work to be done!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

In the end my worst fear came true...

or to be more precise...

the whole story begins right here.

Can you give us a ride?

We're going to the port.

Shush!

Come on, I need an eight... one more eight. Come on...

One more eight...

A ten... a ten...

- Fuck you, you stupid whore! - We lost.

Shut up, you cow.

Aunt...

Still here, boy? Thought you'd left.

What's going on in here?

I was just playing poker with a bitch from Santiago...

- I've never seen such luck, the cunt. - That's right.

How come you didn't leave?

The engine died and I missed the boat.

- The engine? How come? - I don't know...

but I need to make a phone call.

I'm always on line, sweetie. Betting on some numbers now...

and then a game or two... just killing time.

And what am I supposed to do? My cell's out of range.

Don't worry. You don't need it. No more boats leaving today.

- Try again tomorrow. - Yeah, tomorrow.

- Fotoula? - How should I play Sirkhan?

A length ahead, half-a-length ahead...

5:7 to win. What do you think?

- Sure win. - Right.

- What's the matter? - Ok, are you listening?

Yea h.

Inter - La Coruna. The odds are 1:35.

I don't know, goddammit it. What d'you think?

Inter.

What?

Inter.

Inter? Not likely... goddammit.

Things aren't going too well.

I got off to a bad start.

I'm cut off from the world, just like in movies.

Unless Mitsuko pops in and asks for a rubdown.

Things like that happen in movies, too.

Argyro! Have you ironed the table felt?

Petros! Will you play this lotto ticket for me?

OK. It's on the table.

I see...

You want go with Petra (Rock)?

Who's Petra?

I am Petra.

- Hi there, Petros. - Hi there, Petra.

I've got to take the battery to the garage...

OK. Hop on. I take you to the village.

I love swimming In the sea.

Hold on tight, Petros!

Petros... you come see Petra. OK?

...bathing suit...

No clothes to swim, No clothes.

The slut.

Fuck!

Is this OK?

A little further to the right.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

- Is this good? - Great.

Here we go!

It'll be great. I'm sure of it.

Why?

Shit! I've got to get the battery.

Come with me. Come.

What are you making, Eugenia? Eggs for little Georgie?

It'll just be a moment.

Here you go. You don't mind if I change, do you?

Fuck!

No answer?

What a pity!

Shall we go?

Well if it isn't the great lover!

Good. You've got it running.

Engine stalled?

I told you. You should listen to Vasso.

Didn't even get as far as the boat.

If I don't leave today I'm dead.

You didn't look very dead a while ago.

Where? When?

Who d'you think you're kidding?

I'm talking about the nudist chick.

Became a winter swimmer so she can get guys all year round!

- She can't get enough! - It's good for your health, though!

Why don't you go take a dive?

You've got time till the battery charges.

How much time? I mean, how long will it take?

Listen, man! These things take time, goddammit!

Yeah but I've got to be in Athens tonight.

You will be. But without the car.

Hold on. We've got four hours before the ship arrives.

What the fuck can we do in four hours?

We can sit here and watch it charge!

Look. This would normally take until tomorrow morning.

Hey, hey! What'd you mean 'tomorrow morning'?

Still, four hours can do. But just for you!

Why don't we go home? I live right above.

We can wait there.

OK. I'll go get my stuff and I'll be right back, OK?

Hurry up.

We still have the Beavers' final.

While this fucking battery is charging...

I'm thinking there's a lot of ass in this bitch...

This can't go on any longer. Gotta act.

The things a guy has to do to get some!

It's warm.

A drowned man... Miss! Miss!

We saw a drowned man...

There he is! Over there!

No! No! Stop! Come here!

He's moving!

He's alive! Yes, he is moving.

He's alive. I'll go. All right?

So sorry to bother you.

Stergiou... I'm the new high school teacher here.

My apologies once again...

but I saw you lying there and for a moment I thought...

God forbid! Thank goodness.

- Are you all right? - Yes. Fine.

Of course we're all delighted you are not drowned, but...

it would be so kind of you if you pretended you had!

- I don't get it. - Quite right. It's my fault.

- I didn't explain. - Explain what?

Well, I thought if you pretended to be the victim...

so I could give the girls CPR instruction...

if, of course, you have no objection.

No, I have no objection.

Tell me... what do I have to do?

Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Just lie down the way you were...

before... like this...

and I'll tell the girls what they must do.

So... Agape, Hara, Eftichia... come along...

We'll start with basic CPR... Cardiopulmonary...

or mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Tilt head back with one hand,

Pinch nose, cover mouth with yours...

and give two to three full breaths...

each breath should last 2 seconds...

Like this...

OK? Now you try it.

Elpida! Come along!

Stop laughing.

Let's see if you got it right.

Pinch nose, cover mouth with yours and give one breath...

which should last 2 seconds.

Now Sofia...

Your turn.

Tilt head back...

Pinch nose, close mouth with yours...

Good.

Galini... Come on.

Mr. Vangelis!

Mr. Vangelis!

Kanello!

I brought your aunt some bergamot to try. She loved it!

Good for you! Congratulations!

- What's that delicious smell? - My bergamot, of course!

You know the saying We've got here:

"Lovely smell, lovely neighborhood."

Now, I'll go and get you some so you can try everything.

Not now. Later.

Does your Dad have a monkey wrench in his tool box?

I'll go ask.

You and your bergamot!

Like we said: Lovely smell, lovely neighborhood!

Petros!

Where are you?

Lucky you!

- What's this? - You'll try everything.

So, first the bitter orange.

No, you'll just taste everything and tell me what you think.

Come on.

Good?

And now some eggplant.

You can't have tasted eggplant like this...

Can you taste the clove?

- Wonderful. Fantastic. - Since you last saw me...

I've made great progress. Didn't I tell you?

Now, some bergamot.

Let me check out your tit. Has it grown at all?

- First the preserve. - OK.

I spilled some.

Come on. Stop it! I'll spill it all! Come on.

- Good? - Amazing.

- Wait. - We made a deal.

Normal size I see. Now let's take a look at the other...

Just the one.

OK, just this one.

Now it's cherry time and after that you'll get to taste my fig.

Hold this.

Petros!

Vasso says you should go get the battery 'cause she's leaving.

- Who was that? - Argyro.

She said something about a battery.

There you are!

I'm sorry Vasso. I got held up by my aunt. Are you leaving?

Yes I am. I've got errands to run you know.

Your battery. You can make it in time, can't you? You can.

Give me a ride in your car, sweetie.

- I'll miss the boat if I walk. - So now it's "sweetie", hey?

You were gone all afternoon and now it's "sweetie".

Give me a break, Vasso.

Oh all right, you prick. If it wasn't for Eusebio... Come on.

- Will I make it in time? - Why don't you gimme a hand?

Sure thing.

- It's not the battery. - Then what?

It's your grandpa's fault who died and left the car to rust for 2 years!

See for yourself.

No power going through the ignition..

Right! In other words I'm screwed, right?

You sure are! But you got Vasso, lucky boy!

Lucky my ass. I'm gonna miss the boat again.

So what, man? These things have to be done the right way.

So here's what we'll do.

We'll tow the car down to the shop...

we'll take the engine a part ...no hurry ...and we'll

drink some ouzo. Why bother with sea-sickness?

What are you talking about? The boat's about to leave.

Well that's what boats do. They leave!

That's what I want to do too! I've wasted two days of my leave...

- ...on this fucking car! - I wouldn't call this 'wasted'!

That German babe took you on her motorbike and you had just met!

But, it's all good. I like a ladies man. Just don't do white-trash!

Like that nudist chick! A guy's gotta know...

how to appreciate a woman... take Eusebio for instance...

- He picked a wo... - There! It's leaving!

- So let it leave! Fuck it! - What fuck it, man?

Fucking forget it, man!

Listen... I say you spend your leave here, relax...

we can get to know each other better...

Tomorrow is a full moon. Come on, man.

We'll have a sweet time...

Nah... I think I'll leave without the car.

If you give me a ride I can make it.

No, goddammit!

- You missed it? Great! - It's that fucking car!

What was I thinking? Wasted my whole leave on it!

Never mind. Stay another night with us.

OK so I missed the boat but things aren't that bad.

I fucked the biker, I scored (boy did I score!) with Olga..

now if only that Asian chick would gimme some...

- I missed you, dick! - Roula! How...

How long has it been since I saw you last, you asshole?

You don't give a fuck about your sister, right?

I wasn't expecting you...

Check you out! I can't believe it!

When I saw you last you were just a Half-pint! Look at you now!

How're you doing? OK? Talk to me, man.

What can I say...

He won't talk to his sister. Tell me. How's the navy?

- At first it was a bit tough... - But now everything's OK?

Listen. Don't get up and leave before I get to talk to you, OK?

- Should we raise it to 50? - Not enough.

100? 150?

500 and all systems go!

We hit the jackpot, my bitches! Fucking douche bags!

- Saint Barbara! - God bless!

- Aunt? - You missed the boat again?

- Yes, I'm leaving tomorrow. - So leave tomorrow.

Look, I got something to tell you, but don't get mad.

Tell me what, boy? You fucked half the island in two days!

- Me? I didn't... - You didn't...

The way you're headed, you'll end up fucking Argyro!

- I got something else to say. - So say it.

I've got 7 days leave left and I don't want to waste anymore.

That's why I'm thinking of not taking the car.

Thanks anyway. Don't get mad at me. But it can't be fixed..

- and Vasso wants... - a piece of you.

- No, she's just got the hots for.. - For you.

No, for Eusebio.

Eusebio? Who's he?

A Mexican guy, Brazilian, something like that.

OK, OK. Go eat and brace yourself, you poor thing...

because I don't know any Eusebio on the island.

She'll have you for breakfast. She won't take no for an answer.

But you're a grown man, you can handle her...

Your Grandpa had them all.

- What are you talking about? - Messalina.

Me? Messalina? Thanks, darling.

Who's this Eusebio guy?

Come on in, man.

Didn't expect you'd come.

I mean I wasn't expecting you at all.

Why, d'you think I was?

Surprise!

You bet it was. So how long are you staying for?

Don't know.

Don't you wanna eat with the girls?

They're crazy about you, you know.

Want a drag?

No, it's not my...

Some of this?

No, I'm not hungry.

I'm going to bed. Got to get up early.

D'you want me to send you a tray upstairs?

Or would you rather have Monica bring it up?

Petros, a friend of yours is on the phone. Mr. Zachos.

Zachos?

Hello, Zachos.

- Is that you? - Why?

Were you expecting another call?

I've already wasted two days leave because of you, you moron.

Haven't heard a word from you in three days.

It's not my fault. I tried calling you and...

Listen up cause I ain't kidding.

If you're not here by tomorrow...

Have you gone deaf from too much jerking off, you shithead!?

Hey man, take it easy...

- So listen up cause... - I kept calling you...

But my cell was dead and my aunt was on the Internet...

Fuck your aunt! So listen up 'cause I'm serious.

If your ass is not here by tomorrow.. fuck the Beetle and fuck everything...

I get the girls and we're off to Arachova, the three of us.

And you can stay on the island and jerk off.

Get my drift, you retard?

Tomorrow afternoon you got to be here. I ain't calling you again.

It's not... It's not my fault.

It's the Beetle's.

Who would ever believe my story?

That jerk on the boat was right about women chasing after us.

It's nuts what's going on here.

So I'm gonna keep a record of what's happening.

Or else people'd think I've lost it!

Day three on the island and something's happened...

and all the women are after me.

First it was one by one, and then in twos and threes.

If they all ganged up on me, alone as I am here...

I'd be dead meat.

I haven't seen a single guy.

Can't be! These women, they must have hidden them somewhere!

It's years since you last saw him. He's a grown man now.

Testosterone.

- What about it? - Testosterone.

Turns boys into men. Only thing I know that turns...

boys into men is pussy.

I brought him two.

I know. You decided not to visit your brother...

empty-handed.

I can't keep up with all these mouths to feed.

There is no rooster left in the coop.

Shut up, you cow.

See? She's counting mouths and you're counting...

The weather report says no boats leaving today?

No matter what, you're taking the tickets down to Vasso...

- ...to run them on her computer. - So much for leaving.

Come on now! Are you having such a bad time?

We all treat you like a king.

The king of the coop.

So tell us, king, will Chelsea win this time or...

Ask them. Don't they know anything about soccer?

Take it easy! You'll choke.

Well, whatever I'm betting on a tie score.

Good-for nothings!

Petros!

I forgot to thank you for...

Lambro!

Lambro!

Mom! How many times have I told you to call me by my full name?

I was christened Lambrini. Lambros is a man's name.

Are you deaf? I didn't say Lambros. I said "Lambro"...

like your cousins Foto and Vango... Are they men?

I'm not so sure about Foto. Have you seen her mustache?

Whatever. I think you're feeling edgy.

Come on. Give me a hand.

Why don't we ask this young man to take us to church...

- ...since we have trouble walking. - Like he cares about us old farts!

Now if we were young, we'd have plenty of men...

Why d'you say that? The young man looks polite...

and strong. He could carry you to church, right?

You know... I'm in a hurry and I have to get going. Sorry.

See what you did? Scared this one off too!

Bull! That old trick doesn't work! Next time pretend you're blind.

- So what are you, a boy or a girl? - A boy.

- So why are you wearing a dress? - I don't want to...

but Mom makes me wear one 'cuz she doesn't like that I'm a boy..

and she wants me to look like a girl.

You tell your mom that's not right because when you grow up,

you'll... feel confused. Being a boy isn't that bad!

It sure isn't.

Where are you, Lucia?

So this is where you're hiding?

My name's not Lucia. I'm a boy!

Lucia! Not again! What did I tell you?

Yeah, and the gentleman here said that what you're doing...

isn't right and being a boy isn't that bad!

See what I have to deal with?

You can't imagine how difficult this girl is!

Telling everyone the same story!

That she's a boy and I dress her up in girls' clothes.

She's just a kid!

I don't know what to do with her!

Ever since her father left us she's become unbearable!

You understand...

at this sensitive age, my Lucia...

like any girl her age... needs a father figure.

My Lucia needs a father, a man who's young...

good-looking, easy to fall in love with...

A man who'll kindle in her the primordial lust...

that all women have for men. From childhood...

to my age!

A man like you...

that's what my Lucia needs!

What's the point in hiding it? I've got the same needs too.

I need a man like you too!

So I beg you!

Be a father for my Lucia! Be the man who's missing from her life...

from my life!

Lucia needs you. She needs a father to fall in love with...

and I need you too.

Are you crazy, woman?

Come back here! Where are you going?

You can't abandon your daughter like this!

A father has responsibilities! D'you hear me?

We're your destiny!

Fuck! Aren't there any men around? Where've they all gone?

What the hell? They certainly don't fuck! Do they at least exist?

The kid.

Kid!

Petros!

I'm busy Petros.

I wasn't looking for you.

So why are you here?

I'm looking for Father Anastasis.

What for?

To find him. I haven't seen a single man on this island.

Really?

I found one. Will he do?

Fuck off.

Listen, Petros. If you find a living one, bring him over!

Father Anastasis!

Father Anastasis!

What d'you want?

Is Father Anastasis here?

No.

The nuns took him.

The nuns?

Where did they take him?

For confession.

Petra!

You go beach?

What beach? I'm going to the port.

Take it easy.

Come on, let's move it. I'm in a hurry to catch a boat.

a speedboat... a sailboat... anything! Come on, let's hurry.

Hurry?

Hold on tight!

I want you to hold on to my boobs.

Give me a break Petra. What's gotten into all of you today?

Are you all in heat?...

I want you to grab my tits!

Look ahead! What are you doing? Are you crazy?

You'll get us killed!

I want you grab Petra's boobs. They're...

They're brakes! Are you holding on to them?

Slow down!

I want you to grab them from inside.

- From inside! - I'm grabbing! I'm grabbing!

Easy! Easy!

We caught ourselves a halibut, girls.

Lift your leg like a good boy...

How did you end up here?

Easy boy! You'll hurt yourself.

Check you out!

What on earth happened to you?

I was trying to catch the boat.

What boat? There's a gale warning.

We fish 'em. Others eat 'em!

Let me have that! You get inside.

You'll catch a cold. Get in.

I'll get you something dry to wear.

Don't bother, I'm okay.

What are you talking about? You're soaking wet.

You'll catch pneumonia. Take off your clothes.

Never mind Mrs. Angela!

Fuck that crazy bitch!

This is the suit my late husband wore on our wedding.

- It will fit you just fine. - It's not right.

What are you talking about? The living with the living...

and the dead with the dead. Come. Put it on...

so you don't catch a cold.

What's wrong, Mrs. Angela? Are you all right?

It looks perfect on you!

Your shoulders... your neck...

Look!

My dowry.

All the things poor Phaedon left me.

Everything, untouched...

Like me... untouched for two years now.

Pure... white...

like the bread I bake.

No other hand has touched this body, Phaedon.

Oh Phaedon...

To desire and to have not...

It's been two years since we made olive bread in our bakery.

My specialty.

But how could I make it? How could I knead it alone?

You used to bend and lift my skirt, kiss my leg and say:

It's like a loaf with an olive in the middle. It's not a leg.

It's olive bread.

Olive bread, Phaedon.

Here it is!

Here's the olive bread! Kiss it!

Good evening, young man.

Will you be staying long on our island?

Mrs. Fotoula!

Would you come out a minute, please?

I have to be careful with these chicks.

They're all on fire! One with her late husband's olive bread,

the other with that jerk Eusebio...

the nutcase that has boobs for brakes...

and here comes the Jurassic Cunt...

- Still here? - Is that you, aunt?

Why did you run away, you brat?

- Who's that old fart inside? - Old?!

Fabiola is a young lady.

So what's she doing here at this hour?

Now you listen to me! This is my house...

and my friends can come and go as they please.

Besides, I owe Fabiola.

What?

We had a bet, recently, and she won.

What was the bet about?

She said you'd like the island in spring and you'd stay more than...

2 days and I said if that was the case I'd let you fuck her.

- Me? Fuck her! - Shhh! Don't shout!

It was just words. We didn't sign any contract.

But since good friends should keep their words...

and since you're staying here for the night,

we'd better make sure you're clean and tidy...

You must be out of your fucking minds, all of you!

I should fuck that old cow because you lost a bet!

Don't be a fool, boy! Fuck her! What'd ya have to lose?

You gambled your nephew!

So? Your Grandpa used to fuck them all!

How come you turned out to be so picky?

Down! Down!

Don't you think you should knock first?

What? Why don't you lock them up?

- Lock who up? - Your friends.

My friends...

They're your friends...

Now turn the other way.

- Why? - Because I want to change.

You'll change afterwards. Come on. Get going. I want to go to bed.

You don't know what I've been through all day.

So, I'll change,

I'll put on my PJs...

and we'll sleep here together.

Go on. Turn around. I don't want to sleep here.

I want to sleep in my bed.

Really? There was a time you were afraid to sleep alone.

- Remember? - What are you talking about?

Now tell them to go. I'm not in the mood. Get it?

Remember when you were a kid...

you'd pretend to sleepwalk and and you'd come and get in my bed?...

You don't know what you're talking about!

You're imagining things. I don't remember shit!

Well let me remind you then!

I remember every little detail as if it were yesterday...

Do you want me to?

I remember everything. Do you want me to?

Are you out of your fucking mind? What's this shit?

I've had it with you bitches!

Now where are you taking me?

How did I end up outside...

in the middle of the night? This is weird!

Now where do I sleep?

I thought of knocking on Mr. Vangelis' door but...

what am I supposed to tell him? That my sister made a pass at me...

and my aunt sold me to an old witch?

Or that I fucked his daughter over bergamot?

Nah!

Petros!

Is that you?

Come inside.

You'll freeze.

Come this way.

Come.

Your folks?

Dad's at the pen and Mom's down in the kitchen.

In the kitchen? What's she doing?

She drinks and dozes off.

Come on. There's no way she'll hear us.

Come.

Olga, don't take this the wrong way...

but I've been feeling a little tired lately...

and today especially... I think I'm falling apart.

I think I should go straight to bed and skip the preserves, OK?

OK! But you should know, sweets make you sleepy.

Come on.

Oh you're so sweet...

You make me feel all sweet and sticky...

I feel so sweet and sticky...

- Your Mom. - What?

She's watching us.

Then do your best work!

My sweet syrup. How sticky you make me feel!

You make me feel sticky.

Attention!

At ease!

Attention!

I pledge allegiance to the motherland...

obedience to the Constitution..

to the laws and resolutions of the State...

obedience to my superiors...

Attention!

I must be out of my mind.

When I'm awake I see pussy... and when I'm asleep...

I dream of guys.

Just imagine!

But I do miss the fuckers...

Anyway, from now on, no more fucking or threesomes.

I've got to get off this fucking island.

I'm in danger here!

I'll head down the port and find a sailboat, a canoe, something...

got to get across to Naxos, Koufonissia... somewhere...

...anywhere...

What's the hurry, Petros?

Stay a while and let's get to know each other better.

You may change your mind.

Hey you! Why d'you embarrass me?...

In front of my friends? Fabiola is experienced.

She'll teach you.

Get back here this minute!

I said get back here!

If you don't, you'll never set foot in my house again.

Young people nowadays!

Things don't look good.

Something's gotten into these women... Even Auntie!

Could it be that all the men went cra- zy and decided to leave the island?

It's either that or the opposite...

first the women went mad, then the guys took off and...

left me all alone...

Or maybe I'm the one who's lost it.

Petros!

Maria, are you crazy? What are you saying?

How did you get here? Who let you in?

Gabriel!

Eusebio, don't leave me!

Go away!

Think of the nights you spent in my arms...

You said I was the woman of your dreams and now...

now you're marrying Donna Emmanuella.

Eusebio, darling, where are you?

- Who was that woman? - Just a woman from the village.

She came to ask a favor for her husband.

When will our marriage take place, Eusebio?

I want you to be mine and mine alone!

The hell with you asshole!

You are after her dowry, right?

Isn't that right, you fuck?

Would you look at that fucker!

Take it easy, Vasso.

Don't you have any balls, you asshole? Tell me!

What d'you want me to say?

What?

You leave me, a woman with feelings for that... that...

trashy, trailer-park twat... Jesus!

I've told you before: I like my man to be a ladies man...

but not to cheat on me!

What do these women know, man?

Do they know how to get a man hot?

Do they know how to make him let loose?!

Depends.

Depends on what, man?

When you have a woman who knows what a man wants...

What d'you do? Do you let her go?

No, but...

That's right! No buts...

D'ya want me to prove it to you? Would you like that?

Right here and now!

Would you like that?

Isn't that why you came to Vasso?

D'you want it?

My little stud...

I'll fuck you, you asshole!

Goddamn crazy bitch!

Cunt!

Come here you!

Come here! Just you wait until I catch you!

Come here!

Don't, Auntie! Don't Auntie!

I didn't do anything!

Crazy bitch...

Don't tell me they all want...

Stop it! You're hurting me!

Don't! Don't!

I'll fix you!

I'll tell my Mom!

Go tell her!

I'm going to fuck you, you jerkoff!

You're not leaving this island alive, you asshole!

Grab him!

Come in!

Next.

Close the door.

Sit down.

What's the problem?

Women.

Women?

They're after me!

They're chasing you? And why is that?

I don't know... or rather... I do!

But even if I told you you wouldn't believe me.

Let me be the judge of that. It's my job. Go on.

They all want a piece of me.

At first I thought I was just being lucky...

then that maybe it was my imagination...

I was in boot camp for 40 days and you understand...

I see.

But for the past two days they won't leave me alone.

I mean they keep chasing me. D'you understand?

Yes but why? What did you do to them?

They want to fuck me and then kill me!

A crazy tourist threw me in the water...

another one wants me to be the father of her baby...

a third one is convinced I'm an actor...

and chases me around holding a screwdriver!

All this is happening to you? How did you do it?

They're mad! The women have gone completely crazy.

They killed their husbands, sucked their blood...

and then killed them and now they want to do the same to me.

- You've got to help me! - Of course I'll help you.

That's my job. Plus, I've got time...

No more patients for today. But first let's calm you down, OK?

Sit down over here.

Take off your jacket.

Can you tell me what's wrong with me, doctor?

Put your feet up.

Good.

What's that syringe for? I don't want to go to sleep.

You're not going to feel drowsy, It will help you relax.

I don't need tranquilizers. I'm not crazy.

No one said you were...

but you're not entirely well either, right?

It's spring, you're at your prime and your testosterone level is high..

Look, to be honest, the condition you describe...

is the handbook definition of the sexual paranoia syndrome...

a delusional disorder where the subject...

projecting his own desire on unsuspecting women...

he thinks pursue him with lustful intentions.

No one's after you. It's all in your head.

In other words that's it. I'm crazy... paranoid.

Just a minute. How about Angela, the baker's wife...

who wanted me to bake olive bread with her? Or the teacher...

Ask the schoolteacher where her male students are?

They killed them all. You've got to believe me.

I'm the last man alive on this island.

Ask the schoolteacher! Ask her!

I don't need to ask Miss Stergiou anything.

I instructed the boys' parents to keep them away from school...

as long as the outbreak of mumps persists.

As for the men of the island,

this afternoon I examined three of them,

And the worst case was a simple toothache.

So please lie on your stomach and pull down your pants...

Don't worry it won't put you to sleep.

It'll simply help you relax a little...

and stop worrying about non-existent dangers.

But they're not non-existent. She threw me in the sea.

Don't worry. I won't let anyone hurt you. Where are you staying?

No, no. It's the same deal there too.

OK. Would you rather stay here? I could arrange it.

- No, no. I have to leave. - OK, you'll leave.

Hold this here a second.

What's that? Do I have to piss in this?

No, to ejaculate.

D'you need my sperm for some test?

No, I need it to inseminate myself.

My child-bearing years are numbered And today is a good day cuz...

I started ovulating 40 minutes ago and you look like

you've got a high sperm count. You could be useful.

- But you can't ask me to... - Why not?

D'you need help?

fellatio, perhaps?

You've taken the Hippocratic Oath.

Keep Hippocrates out of this. This is personal.

I'm going to see who that is.

When I come back I want to see you masturbating.

Help!

Argyro! What are you doing here?

Come on! Hurry up! Quickly!

You idiot! You killed me. I'm bleeding!

Get a doctor!

Things don't look good.

I've managed to find myself outside the house...

in the middle of the night..

Now where do I sleep?

I thought of knocking on Mr. Vangelis' door but...

would he be in? I haven't seen him in days.

And what am supposed I tell him?

That my sister made a pass at me and my aunt sold me to an old witch...

or that I fucked his daughter over bergamot?

No way!

Something's gotten into the women since this morning...

I don't know... they've been after me first one by one...

and then in twos and threes... Fuck...

Give it to me. What are you doing?

If they all ganged up on me, I'm alone...I'm dead!

We're your destiny!

You're not leaving this island a live, you jerk!

CPR or mouth to mouth resuscitation...

Hi, buddy!

What's up? Why're you crying?

I'm not your buddy. I'm not your pal. Leave me alone.

You got your own problems. Of course.

But if you tell me yours and I tell you mine,

maybe we can help each other.

You see we're the last two men on this island.

Is that what you think?

Who do you think is sitting next to you?

The famous Alma Fardella! The loveliest voice...

of the past 100 years as Bernstein himself said.

My "Donna Elvira" is unsurpassed.

Dozens of sopranos have copied my "Norma"!

And this is what my cruel fate had in store for me...

Hiding on this island...

Buddy... Mrs. Alma...

Destiny wanted my womb! I had hormone treatment...

My voice was ruined.

I grew hairy and beastly so I look like a man!

Even you... admit it... you didn't recognize me.

You couldn't tell I was the legendary Alma Fardella!

Hey man, are you sure about this?

But what if I sang something for you?

Even with this voice, you can't but realize who I am.

Help!

Cheers!

Girls! A man!

Come here, doll!

I don't need a fuck!

Want a blowjob? You want it up the ass? 18 Euros!

And all the hanky- panky you like!

Come here you!

Petros!

Where are you honey?

Petros!

Stop! Stop!

What are you doing? You'll kill me!

Stop!

I can't hold on!

Stop! Stop!

You'll kill me, you crazy bitch!

You'll fucking kill me!

Petros! This way!

Roula! Is that you?

What's up?

Something's gotten into them!

- Into whom? - The women!

- Can't you hear them? - Are you scared?

They're here! They're coming!

I'll hide you. Come this way.

Don't be scared Petros. We'll hide you here.

I won't let any of them harm you.

But why? What did I do to them?

You're the last man on the island...

but you also took advantage of it!

I just came to get the Beetle.

Don't!

Bitches!

I'm the one who'll save my baby. I'm the one he loves.

What are you doing?

Roula! Tell them to stop!

Enough! Quit fighting! Where will you go, man?

Petros!

Roula!

Get him!

That way!

Petros!

That way!

Get him!

Hey, cunt!

Petros!

Get him.

That way!

Get him!

Captain, oh captain get your uniform ready...

Cause on Sunday, don't you forget I'm gonna be your wife.

Love me, love me...

Crazy women stop loving me...

You chase after me, you torture me...

and you all want to do it with me.

Don't love me... Enough! Go away.

Crazy women, stop loving me.

Don't look at me, don't touch me...

Don't love me anymore, you crazy bitches.

Don't suck it, you'll devour it...

It's only a little bird afraid of all the pussies.

Don't pluck it, it will remember...

and when you come back it'll pretend to be asleep.

He's coming down!

This is our lucky day! He is young!

He isn't old!

He's coming down!

Can't wait any longer. He's so handsome!

I want something tender...

Something very tender... something juicy...

Get his crotch first! Come on, girls.

Can't get enough.

Since you like to spread your legs, why don't you go...

to a dance school to a martial arts school...

instead of loving me...

since I don't want you anymore, you crazy broads.

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