All language subtitles for Top Gear - S04E03.eng

Tonight,
Jordan makes a boob in our Liana,

Ferrari and Porsche go to war on our track,

And we have some crashes, on purpose.

Hello, good evening and welcome.

Now, a number of people
have been saying

that there are too many fast
and expensive cars on this show.

So, the production team
came up with a plan.

They gave each
of the presenters £100.

And we were told
to go off and buy a car.

That's a road legal car
for less than 100 quid.

Then we were told to meet up
at Toddington Services,

on the M1 where we would be
given a number of challenges.

This is what happened.

I was the first to arrive
with... Well, look at it!

Two tonnes
of Swedish magnificence!

It's the Volvo 760.

It has the 2.8 litre,
V6 engine.

And it's the GLE model.

So, electric sunshine roof,
leather, air conditioning.

And it's not in bad neck.

No corrosion that I can see.

No dents and scratches
worth talking about.

It's actually taxed and tested
for another two months.

And that's what James
has bought.

Here he is.

It's actually more modern than
mine, I'm ashamed to admit, but...

It's an Audi 80, 1.8 E.

And you paid less
than 100 quid? I did.

- Taxed?
- Yes.

- Tested?
- Seven months.

You really
can't believe that's 100 quid.

I mean, I was ready to go, "Oh,
no! James has bought a hen house!"

Anyway, so where's Hammond,
exactly? Where is the Hamster?

He's bought a Rover!

Oh, God!

Old man,
you've done it wrong.

Read my back.

"GTI."

- Yes, I know but...
- 16 valve.

- Yeah, granted it does go down.
- "Rover."

Because I'm not sure if it leaks,
so I'm going to leave that on.

- Your radio?
- Isn't there.

There's more rust here
and here.

- Yeah well, expensive car...
- Oh, that's gonna drop off any second.

Look at that.

Right, I think we're ready
for our first challenge.

- One of the chaps from the office. Here it is.
- Ooh, envelope and everything.

"The journey from London to Manchester
and back would cost £182 on the train.

"Your cars cost
less than that.

"You must head North on the M1
take the new M6 toll road.

"Rendezvous in Manchester outside
Manchester United Ground in Old Trafford.

"And drive them back to the Top
Gear track for your next challenge."

- So Manchester and back.
- Easy.

- Easy.
- Okay.

Let's go!

We filled each of them to
the brim with fuel and set off.

It is remarkable though

that we're all trundling along
the outside lane of the motorway

same speed
as everybody else...

In cars that cost
less than a £100.

This Audi is...

Well, perfect, really.

In its day, of course, the Rover
416 GTI was rubbish, really.

The steering wheel
is not quite on straight,

but that just means that
I can flog it to a mini cabber.

I mean, I expected to be in
a sort of plume of blue fog.

But they're fine, so far.

I currently need a pee.

Smells though, in here, like
other people have just done it.

I think I'm going to open
my electric sunshine roof now.

Let a bit of this crisp
spring air in.

Mmm! Nice!

Sun roof, well,
we'll gloss over that.

What I do really want
is a radio.

Robbie Williams played through
a 1980's Volvo stereo.

I'd listen to Radio 3.

Or The Arches on 4.

♪ Thoughts running
through my head ♪

Oh, I wish I had a radio!

That's the worst stereo
I've ever heard in my life!

Oh, I wish I had a radio!

But it's a stereo!

And Hammond doesn't have one.

Ferrari.

♪ If I were a rich man... ♪

Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man",
any other suggestions?

"If I Were a Tall Man"?

Funny. Very funny.

Jeremy being a sporting driver has
roared off in his 6-cylinder Volvo.

Where are you? I seem to
have sped off with me V6.

But he could regret that.

There is, coming up ahead,
an enormous cloud of smoke.

Which I can only
assume is Jeremy.

- If this is a head gasket, we are in big trouble here.
- That's the compressor.

In fact, a belt that drives the
air conditioning had snapped,

and knocked a plug
out of the radiator.

Simply put it back again, fill that
with water and I was on my way.

Right, here we go,
back on the road.

Jeremy's heap of junk fixed.

It's fine.

That Volvo.

What was he thinking of?

It's fine.
It cost less than 100 quid.

There we are,
the football stadium

where Manchester Rovers play.

And now, it's time to turn around
and head back to the studio.

But would the cars make it?

This is the track.

And here comes James now
in his Audi.

It's back!

And so too is Richard,
in the Rover.

Watch the paintwork!

But where's the Volvo?

No!

I can't believe it.

Yes, you counted them all out.

And now you can count
them all back again.

Proof,
today you can buy a car,

and even including
the cost of fuel,

go to Manchester and back for
less than it would cost on the train.

And what's more,
if you finish a train journey,

all you're left with
is a used ticket

and a disease from the person
who's sitting next to you.

Yeah, and the person
you're sitting next to

is always the same drunken
Glaswegian scaffolder. Have you noticed?

Yeah, with 20 cases of Harp.

Yes, all of which you drink.

Anyway, we didn't end up
with a scaffolder.

What we ended up with were
three perfectly serviceable cars.

And later on in the show, we are
going to be doing more tests with them

to find out just
how good or bad they are.

But now though, The News.
And we're starting with speed cameras.

Uh, you see, the government denies
that they're there to make money.

So, Alistair Darling, the Secretary of
Transport has made a new ruling.

Which is basically, instead of getting
3 points, we're gonna get 2 points.

- Well that sounds fair enough. Sounds fair!
- No, no. Because do you know what he said?

He says you get 2 points from 30 - 35mph
in a 30 zone, if you're going 36, 4 points!

- Well that's more points! Right.
- It's more points. More points!

Hang on, under the old system, you can do
4 offences before getting banned.

Exactly. And you lost your wife, your home,
your job, children, starved on the street.

But under the 2 point system, you get
6 offences; 6 fines and then you're banned.

So they make more money out of you
before they ban you. Is that right?

- It is a con.
- That's true, because you'll get 2 points

therefore it's £60... yeah!
They make more money!

You've kind of got to admire them,
I mean it's crafty.

It is! Have we got a picture
of Alistair Darling?

I think you need to see the
brains behind... look at him!

- He's got clip-on hair!
- Either that or clip-on eyebrows.

It's actually a clip-on eyebrow.

I tell you what, have you ever been
to your local supermarket

and they always have
"Employee of the Month"? It's him!

That man is in charge of
all of Britain's transport!

And look...
Nothing in! Completely empty!

Empty. Right, news from the
Italian police, interestingly enough.

They've got a new police car.
They could've had the new Fiat Panda,

would've been handy, or an
Alfa 156, nice, but no.

They've got a Lamborghini Gallardo.
Look at this!

- Now THAT is a police car!
- Yes, but we've been wondering all week.

Why? Because it is impossible to
commit a motoring offence in Italy.

- I've been stopped by the Italian police.
- What for?

I was doing about 110 in an
Aston Martin DB7, I overtook the police car

on a left-hand bend, and he pulled
me up at the next lay-by because

- I'd left the filler flap open in the garage.
- It's a style thing, what you're saying.

- Spoiling the lines of the car?
- He didn't say anything, just went out...

I thought I was gonna get a ticket
for being unaesthetic.

- You were wearing that shirt?
- No...

- We do, on Top Gear, rather like the Italians.
- Si.

They are good.

- There's... - Anybody got one?
- We got some here?

Two Italians? Respect.

- Respect to you.
- Why aren't they at the front?

'Cause our policemen, London Police
drive around in maroon Vauxhall Astras.

What kind of a message is that giving out
to tourists? "God, they must be broke!"

The Italians who ARE broke
have got Lamborghinis!

News of a new car from VW.
We like their coupés... you had a Scirocco?

- Two.
- I had a Scirocco, we like the Corrado...

Well, there's a new one coming. Here it is,
fabulous looking thing with a folding roof.

It's gonna be... we reckon about £20,000.
On sale next year, that looks fabulous.

Two litre turbo engine,
kind of a Golf GTI with that body.

As you know, Chrysler is owned by Mercedes.
They've come up with a new car, the 300C,

now it's based on the old E-Class,
but it's got an American body and engine.

- It's a 5.7 litre V8 Hemi.
- Nice, lovely. I must confess, in black

particularly, I think that
looks pretty good.

- Yeah, that looks fabulous.
- It's gonna be what, £29,995?

- Same as a 5-Series BMW.
- So that's pretty good, we think.

- I like the look of that.
- Looking forward to that.

Well... it'll be good so long as
they don't make it too sporty.

- What?
- Well I don't like sports saloons.

When you get a sports saloon, you get tyres
too big, so the handling goes to pot.

The suspension's too firm, so the ride is
spoiled, and the seats are too hard,

so you get big bum ache after a while.
It just spoils a perfectly good car.

You are aware this is Top Gear, not
Songs of Praise you're appearing on?

Actually, it's funny you should mention
Songs of Praise. I did an experiment, okay?

For two weeks, I did the same journey
every day by car. For the first week,

I decided to drive like you two, with your
trousers on fire. For the second week,

I drove like a Christian motorist,
to see if it would make a difference.

And this is the interesting thing. Week 2,
I got there as quickly, sometimes quicker.

But how do you drive like
a "Christian" motorist?

It's about forgiveness, Richard.

Can we just, sorry James, you're talking
about letting people out at side turns.

Yeah, if somebody wants to
come out, you let them out.

If somebody looks as if they're going
to step into the road, you stop.

And this gets you home just as quickly?

- Sometimes quicker.
- Rubbish!

But if you let somebody out, you've got
another car in front of you!

If I had a car in front of me, and
Richard, you'll identify with this,

- I need to be past it.
- Well, they're in my way!

It's the most important thing - "You are in
front of me, I need to be in front."

- Get out of my way, coming through.
- The meek will inherit the road.

- Rubbish!
- You want to drive like Michael Schumacher

in the future, people will
want to drive like Jesus.

Michael Schumacher has not won 6 World
Championships by driving like a Christian.

David Coulthard, on the other hand...

He drives-he's probably got "C of E"
written down the side of his-

- "Come on by!"
- A fish on the back!

- A fish on the back.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Not everybody gets it.
- Well I don't.

There are people at the back leaving.

Richard Hammond...?
I'm moving on now.

Richard Hammond,
you like dogs, don't you?

Yes, I've got four of them.
I love them.

- One of which is a poodle.
- Yes, all right.

- Just wanted them to know.
- Only one of them.

And as a result,
Richard was asked to,

while we were off air for
the winter, to host Crufts.

Yes.

Obviously, he lost a lot
of dignity in the process.

So now he's decided to put some of that
dignity back by buying himself a new car.

Meet the shortlist,
the Dodge Charger.

For me, the greatest
American car ever.

This is a big day for me, because it's
my first ever drive in a Dodge Charger.

And I'm a little bit nervous.

You see, I've wanted
one of these forever.

But what if it's rubbish?

What if it's the case of
"never meet your heroes"?

Well, we'll find out, but
first, a smidgen of history.

There's just no resisting it.

The Charger was the definitive
'60s American muscle car.

Over 300,000 were made.

The Lone Ranger
was the chief salesman.

I apprehended this man driving away
with one of our new Dodge Chargers.

Even though
it was as big as Texas,

somehow they managed
to race it.

In fact, the Charger
was the first car ever

to top 200 miles an hour
in NASCAR racing.

This is a 1968
Dodge Charger 440 RT.

It's the one you want.

This is the sound
of a 440 cubic inch V8.

That means 7.2 litres,
365 brake horsepower.

And it's incredible.

By now,
you're probably saying,

"Okay, but what about
the Ford Mustang?"

And sure enough, the Charger was
always a bit in the Mustang's shadow.

But in fact, this car
is the really cool one.

And it's cool
for one good reason.

Bad guys always
drive Chargers.

In Bullitt, McQueen's Mustang was
chased by the baddies in a Charger.

In fact, during the chase, the Mustang's
suspension needed constant repair.

But the Charger survived all
of the jumps without breaking.

Even the ♪Dukes of Hazzard♪ had a Charger.
Let's just forget about that.

It was an embarrassing
episode in the car's past.

How could this not
be the bad boy?

It just looks like
it's up to no good.

Just walking up to this thing, being
near it, gives me a thrill. Seriously!

And like all the most impressive
people, it's got problems.

Bill Brownlie, the guy who designed
it, was a big fan of aerodynamics

and he crafted this shape,
very carefully.

Unfortunately, he didn't actually
know anything about aerodynamics.

And he made
a bit of a hash of it.

That great gaping mouth
at the front

sucks up air like a whale
sucks up plankton.

And the rear screen makes
the drag even worse.

But who cares?

No, the only question
that matters to me

is now I'm in one, will I
be happy or heartbroken?

Well, I know
it's got its faults,

so I set my sights
nice and low.

Well, first thing,
it's an old American car

with old American
car steering.

Which means,
I can go left or right.

And that's kind of it, really.

Left-îsh, right-îsh.
It's terrible!

And with an engine
this massive,

in a car weighing two tonnes,

you might expect it
to be bit of an old truck.

But few trucks will do
0 to 60 in six seconds.

But as for going from
60 to 0... Oh, dearie me.

I'm braking.

Quite firmly.

Well done.

I was considering
evasive then!

Everybody okay?

But you know,
it really doesn't matter

if the brakes are made
of chewing gum.

I mean, in a crash, you're always
going to be at least 20 feet from it!

Whichever corner it's at.

Another tedious practicality.

Here's the Dodge Charger.

And over here,
I've mapped out my garage.

Will it fit?

There we go, it fits!

Oh, it will be all right.

So, there we are. It's noisy, cumbersome,
badly designed, and it doesn't stop.

It does a gallon to the mile
and I've got nowhere to put it.

But I know now
that I want one.

And one big reason
is it will always be cool.

You see, whereas the Mustangs
lived on, getting softer and fatter,

the Charger lasted
for just eight years.

And then, it was gone.

It is James Dean to
the Mustang's Marlon Brando.

And James Dean will never,
ever look sad.

They do say that the star that shines
twice as bright, lives half as long.

There is, though, just one thing
that worries me, this is a classic car.

And every classic car
has its own social scene.

These are my new friends.

- It's not the line dancing that's the problem.
- What?

And nor is the fact that
if you buy an American car,

you're gonna have to commit
acts of love with your cousin.

So, what's the problem?

- Charger, wrong Dodge.
- What?

You need a Challenger
because the Challenger

was the star of
Vanishing Point

and this was the star of Bullitt.
That's why you're interested in it

- 'cause it was in Bullitt?
- Yes, yes.

So, what you're saying is we choose
our cars according to the films they're in.

- Yes.
- That sounds fair enough.

- But you're saying Vanishing Point is better?
- Exactly.

But it's just not
Vanishing Point, is it?

If you haven't seen it,
I should establish,

it's basically a load of
hippy-trippy, spaced out nonsense.

With smoke bloke in a sweaty shirt
and sunglasses driving through the desert,

for no reason whatsoever.
It's...

And what was the plot
of Bullitt, remind me?

Well, no, it was...
It had a plot!

Which is what? Come on now.

- It was seedy and menacing...
- What happened in the end? What happened in the end?

...edgy '70s film. Oh, stuff!

I mean, it's better
than the end of this.

He's stuffed it
into a bulldozer.

But did he?

But did he stuff it
into a bulldozer?

You cannot claim that!

It's as sophisticated
as a Road Runner cartoon.

- The man who...
- It is simple!

Bullitt is better than
Vanishing Point!

The man who drives the
Challenger in Vanishing Point,

Kowalski, he was the coolest
man ever in cinema history.

He made James Dean
look like John Prescott.

He was that cool.

No. I think I've
assessed this. Kowalski...

And if you've seen the film,
you'll know this,

Kowalski, in the film, is a kind of
tallish bloke with big curly hair...

- Yeah.
- And he wears a shirt tucked into tight jeans.

Drives around in small...

It's you, you fool!
That's why you like it!

It is you!

In the film, you said that
there was something

a little wrong with
the steering in the Charger.

It is a tad vague, yes.

A tad vague. If you look
in Bullitt, very carefully,

we all know that
car chase scene, yes?

Look very carefully
at the end.

The director said to a highly
trained stunt driver in the Charger,

"I want you to drive into that
garage, it will then blow up."

- He missed the garage!
- Yeah, he did.

If you look, you can see him
screaming by.

And some people might call
that a safety feature, frankly.

And if your guy had not been in
that and had been in one of these,

he would have missed those
bulldozers in the end and survived!

Which is the better
looking car?

The Charger, hands up.

Challenger?

Ah, it's the Charger then,
clearly.

And also,
am I right on the film?

Can anybody think of a better car
chase film than Vanishing Point?

What? Where are you?
Hold on a minute, over here.

- Mission Impossible?
- With Tom Cruise.

Porsche and Audi TT.
Fantastic.

And a beautiful woman as well.

No, you see, that's the
biggest load of dribble...

I've ever heard in my life.

Because when he does that
spinning round thing?

- Yeah.
- You think that's believable?

Well, okay.

Damn it! La la land.

- Don't back down...
- Did I hear somebody say Ronin?

- Yes.
- Good film.

- Remember Ronin?
- Audi S8.

Audi S8... Why don't
you buy an Audi S8?

Audi's got a better steering,
it would hit the garage.

Anyone else?

- Blues Brothers.
- Blues Brothers? Ah, get out!

So really there we are.

We've managed to establish that
Vanishing Point is the best car film ever.

- We haven't!
- We have! We've been around the room!

I understand this,
buying from films.

But the fact of the matter is,
we've established.

Vanishing Point,
greatest car film ever.

That's the Challenger.
You're buying the wrong car.

Okay, you haven't established
that, you're all wrong.

I want the Charger. That's
that. That's what I'm having.

Now, Hammond, how much
is a good one of these?

Um, about £18,000,
realistically.

£18,000? Right.

So that means, you're gonna
have to sell this.

- My pride and joy.
- Yeah.

It's your 22-year-old, left hand
drive, Porsche 911 G Series.

Lovely.

How much do you think
you're gonna get for this?

About eight grand.

What?

£8,000?

They're worth much more!

- What?
- Optimistically...

You are 10 grand short.
Probably more, I would say.

- You're gonna have to open some supermarkets.
- Yeah.

Maybe the viewers
can help him on that.

If you've got a shop
that needs opening,

or cleaning or if you need
any of the shelf stacking.

Just the bottom shelves...

Yeah, just the bottom shelves,
not the top ones.

He'll reach those.

Why don't you write
to us at, um...

Or we could be found
on the internet at...

Thanks for your help guys,
I appreciate that.

No problem. It's time now,
though, to meet our guest.

Ever since she came
out of the jungle,

she has become
a bonafide superstar.

She's a household name.

She's rich beyond
the dreams of avarice.

She's written
an autobiography.

And as far as I can work out
she's done absolutely nothing.

Ladies and gentleman, Jordan.

- Hiya.
- How are you?

Have a seat.

Your autobiography, number
one, in the bestseller list.

I know. Not bad, not bad for
someone like me, I suppose.

It's fantastic
and it's a good read.

You've read it then?

- I have. Of course I've read it.
- You've actually read it?

Test me.

Um, no, I'll ask
you after, actually.

You can do, 'cause I lay in the
garden last weekend, beautiful sunshine!

Lay there, hour and half.
I absorbed it all.

- Well, it's an easy read.
- It is an easy read.

One thing I just want to talk to you about,
if I may, obviously one of the guys you've

become friendly over the years is
Ralf Schumacher, here he is:

- You describe him in your book as "good looking."
- Well, it's a bad picture.

That's the best!

- What was it that attracted you to him?
- Um, the eye contact across the table.

And it went on for about 3 years.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You see, the thing is you spend some time
with him in Germany, and Monte Carlo,

I think, and then some time with him in
Miami, you slept together?

No, no, there's plenty more, believe me.

- You slept with him a lot of times.
- Uh huh. We didn't go into first gear.

- Nothing happened?
- No. Well, a kiss and a ".." on the boob,

that was it.

You do refer to him as a "multimillionaire"
though, which is of course a plus side.

- And he did look after you.
- Now I got my own money though.

So I don't need a man there.

Exactly, you are doing well.

And you've spent it, as far
as I can work out, on cars.

I do love my cars.

Well, the first thing I want
to talk to you about is,

you've swapped a Range Rover
for a Cayenne?

Well I have had the Range
Rover for like, five, six years now.

You know they are lovely cars, you
know, I couldn't go on without them.

And then I saw the Porsche when it
come out and I thought, "Ugly, ugly car."

But then a lot of people said
that they're quite fast.

And I thought, "Okay, I'll try one",
although they looked smaller inside,

I find they're a lot faster and
they do hold the road better.

- It is a Turbo or an S?
- Turbo.

You've got Cayenne Turbo?

How's it going? Is it...

Well, the way I drive cars, didn't
you see me out there? I trash 'em.

The tracking's definitely gone,
probably why I keep kerbing it.

Oh, I see...

I mean kerbing it, it's on the
kerb, it's not kerbing as in...

You don't go kerb crawling,
is what you're saying.

- No, I don't think I need to.
- Why would you?

But your dilemma is, you've
got this Bentley Azure, yes?

It's quite, quite cool. You see, look,
there's a picture of you in it.

I think, well it isn't obviously, we've put
you in there in a sort-of Photoshop way.

But um, what's your alternative?

What you thinking
of getting instead?

Aston Martin. I've got
one coming in September.

- A DB9?
- Convertible.

Convertible.
Um, bring up a picture of that?

What I wanna know is would I
look best in a Bentley or that?

- Yeah?
- Everybody would look better in the Aston.

So there's a-
But what colour? They said I can choose.

But I haven't got that far yet.

You know, Aston Martin can make
any colour you like.

- You can take...
- Don't say that.

You can take along a piece of
material. Take along that top...

- Are you joking?
- No. You can have it in...

Oh, my God. I'll have it in pink.
I know you'll go, "That's gross."

But I love pink.

Would we go, "That's gross"?
We would go, actually.

That's, yeah,
if you got a pink one...

Oh, I would love it
in candy pink if they could.

No, you can have it
in candy pink

and it would be worth
four or five pounds after.

- A very short...
- That'd be one of a kind.

It would be one of a kind,
yes. Nobody else would do it.

What I love about this is, I
do get very cross with girls

who spend a fortune
on clothes, eyes...

I don't. I'm more into cars
than the clothes, so...

And normally,
I only wear the clothes once.

I can't wear them again once
I've been seen in them, so...

You can only wear
clothes once?

Well, if I get pictured
in something twice

then they start slating me, saying,
"Oh, look, now she's going downhill.

"She's wearing
the same outfit twice."

They do and you have
to think about that.

So anyone of you
want it after?

Me!

Pretty much, I think we could
have a charity auction here.

It doesn't include the
underwear, though. Obviously.

- You can wear that twice?
- Oh, yeah. I can wear that loads.

But not on consecutive days.

No.

How did it go, then,
out on the lap?

Um... Which one? What?

Okay, you came down here a
little bit earlier, you went on...

I thought you meant
the Aston Martin,

'cause I was gonna take that
out for a drive as well.

No, I know
you are going out later.

- We have got you an Aston Martin down here to have a go.
- Yeah.

- But you had a go in the Suzuki Liana.
- Oh, that was crap.

But I had fun in it,
spun it around a few times.

Well, this is it.

- Who'd like to see Jordan practising?
- No.

Yes!

So, can we have a look
at that now?

- Oh, no.
- Right.

Ooh, it's...

Whoa, total...
That's the... Oh!

That's the first ever spinner
on that corner, so well done.

You're insane!

Where's this one?
Oh, my...

Do you have any fear at all?

No. It's got a roll bar
and I've got a helmet on,

so it doesn't matter,
does it, if I crashed!

- Obviously...
- And I've got my airbags!

So...

You did actually say... When we asked Jordan
if she wants to come on the programme,

"Oh, I hope it's got a roll bar in
it, 'cause it's going on its roof."

I did try.

No, that was a spectacularly
marvellous attempt.

And now, this is the list
of everyone who's been so far.

Where do you think
you'd like to come on that?

Well, I'm sure everyone
wants to be near the top.

Jodie Kidd maybe, I'd like
to beat, 'cause she's a girl.

- That's pretty near the top. That's 1.48.
- Yeah.

I don't know.
I don't think I've done that.

- Well, shall we find out?
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Anyone wants to see the lap?

- Yeah.
- Let's have a look.

Okay. Yeah.

Here we go.

That's an aggressive start.

Kick some ass! Wee-hee!

You're gonna lift off for this first
corner, this is extremely tricky.

No wait, I'm lying, you...

It's not funny. I'm sorry!

Here we go to Chicago
far too fast going in...

Into the Hammerhead...

That's looking pretty good.
No, that's very good.

That's where
Jonathan Ross got lost.

And... Right, good.

This is where you went off... That's the
Follow Through. Then there you got the...

Oh.
Foot on the brake. Ah!

Right, last corner. And...

Nice and tidy across the line.

That wasn't good!

Well now the thing is,
the thing is...

I think if we were to make an award
for the most aggressive drive ever,

you would win that.

- Wouldn't you agree?
- That's right.

I mean, well done, for there
was just complete bravery.

You deserve a George Medal
for every corner.

That's why the police
never catch me!

Genuinely, I'm...

But did the Stig not tell you about going
slowly into the corners to go faster out?

He did. But when you're out there,
you think sod it, you put your foot down...

- Okay...
- There's a one minute I just saw you write. So, I'm up...

No, I've just written
your shape...

And I'm just gonna...

Go on, take a guess.

Well, you're down at one minute,
so at least I've beaten Harry Enfield.

You have beaten Harry Enfield.

You've also beaten...

Fay Ripley.

You are as fast as...

Rick Parfitt!

- 1:52.
- Oh, not bad!

That's not good enough!

It's the same as Vinnie Jones!

That's in between Vinnie Jones
and Rick Parfitt! That's not a bad time!

Well, I've got to go
do it again now.

You're gonna go do it again.
But listen,

it's been absolutely marvellous
fun having you here today.

- Thank you.
- Go and have fun with our Aston Martin.

I'm gonna.

- In the mean time, Jordan, ladies and gentlemen!
- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Right. Right.

Now, Rolls-Royce have said

that they will never build a
convertible version of their Phantom.

So here it is.

This is a unique, one-off car.
It's called the 100 EX.

And it is magnificent.
Just look at the size of it!

Rolls-Royce actually say it's supposed
to look like a posh motorboat in motion.

And it kind of does. It's even
got teak decking, here at the back.

A man from the Vaterland delivered
the car to us, in a BMW T-shirt.

And he was very strict,
he said to me...

Because it's made of a single
piece of machined aluminium.

This though is...

Solid silver.

How about that?
But what I really like...

What I really like
about this is...

The normal nancy-boy V12
that you get in these things

has been replaced
by a V16 engine

and it's there purely for
smoothness. I like that. I like this.

Rolls-Royce has said
they'll never build this car.

So expect to see it on sale
soon for about £300,000.

Okay, now earlier on
the three of us proved

that our £100 cars could make
it to Manchester and back.

But now they're at the track,

and the production team have
come up with a number of tests

to find out how
functional they are,

how fast they are, and
most of all how safe they are.

And as a kind
of by-product, really,

which one of us
got the best deal.

Here are the cars we bought.

There's Richard's Rover GTI,
James's Audi 80, and my V6 Volvo GLE.

And here's the first test.

Our researchers worked out how much
fuel was used on the Manchester run.

30 mpg was the target for every mile
to the gallon, over that you get a point.

For every mpg under it,
you lose a point.

Right, I have the results
of the economy run.

The Volvo, 20 miles to the gallon,
giving Jeremy a score of minus 10.

The Rover,
23 miles to the gallon,

giving Richard a score
of minus seven.

And the Audi? A remarkable
35 miles to the gallon,

giving me five points.

Yes. Now I have just been told that we're
also going to be tested on reliability.

We're gonna lose a point for every
time the bonnet had to be lifted.

Which means,
none there for you, James.

None for me. And minus
another one for Jeremy.

Okay, I admit it.
My Volvo's not doing well.

But it's time now for the
next challenge, which is...

"Each car will complete
one fast lap of the track

"in the hands of an
independent adjudicator.

"One minute fifty seconds
is the target.

"For every second you go
faster than that you get a point.

"For every second slower,
you lose a point."

I wonder who the independent
adjudicator might be?

First to go is Richard's GTI.

This is probably the worst car
the Stig has ever driven.

Although, it must be said, probably not
the worst car he's going to drive today.

No.

Okay, he's going down now
towards the Hammerhead.

He's probably up to 40 or 50?

He's coming through
to the Follow Through.

Now my bet is he'll lift.

Whoa! He's still alive!

Now let's see
how James's Audi goes.

That was 0 to 60
in about 25 minutes.

Assuming it will ever
get to 60.

This is where we will see the
advantage of the optional sport pack.

The Stig said after this run, he thought
the Audi had been in a big accident

at some point in its life,
and not mended properly.

But he was even ruder
about my Volvo.

The thing is,
he's just not going away!

It's still there!

One hundred and seventy
brake horsepower!

Yeah, but 170 tonnes
of the car to boot!

So the results...

Richard's Rover went round
in one min forty two seconds.

So, that is eight seconds
under the one minute fifty target.

That means eight points.

James's Audi was four seconds
under the target, a 1.46.

So he gets four points.

And my Volvo, 1.48.
So that's two points.

It's a plus! It's a plus!

Okay, another test. So if I could
have the envelope? Thank you.

"The Highway Code says, 'The
stopping distance from 60 miles an hour

"'is 60 yards,
without thinking time.'"

But we don't need any of that.

"You'll get one point for every yard
less than that your car pulls up in."

This is the line where we have to brake.
And 60 yards away, there's a sort of

"motoring rogues" gallery. John Prescott,
Richard Brunstrom, and a speed camera.

Here's James, braking
from 60 miles an hour.

Here we go.

Oh, straight and true!

Beat that, Hammond.

Okay, I'm at 60, just
James to beat. Here we go.

Braking! Nothing!

Sadly, I couldn't beat James.

But surely that fat Volvo
would let Jeremy down.

Anti-lock brakes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!
The Volvo scored a point!

What a great car!

Right. Brakes.

Now then, James's Audi
pulled up in 40 yards,

which is 20 under the Highway
Code's stopping distance,

which means,
he gets 20 points.

Then my Rover stopped... Just... In
48 yards, which means I get 12 points.

And then, amazingly,

Jeremy's Volvo,
as an advertisement

for the advantages of
anti-lock brakes, stopped in 34.

Which means he gets
a very handy 26 points.

And so,
for our next challenge.

Thank you.

"Each car loses a point for every
electrical item that isn't working."

Anti-lock brakes.
Are they working, Richard?

- Uh, well... No. They're not actually... No.
- Right. That's one off.

Get the bonnet up.

Oh, look!

- This under bonnet light doesn't work.
- So what? It doesn't matter.

Oh, my God, it's all broken!

Now your air conditioning as well, that's
a point off, because that doesn't work.

The wipers work,
the lights work...

- But the interior light doesn't. It just doesn't.
- Interior light doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

Right enough. The results.

Richard's Rover...

Three faults. Giving him...

Minus three points.

My Audi.

Minus four points.

And Jeremy's Volvo back
on form with minus 12.

Now it's time
for the final test.

Thank you.
Uh, here we go.

Okay, chaps. You might want
to come and have a look at this.

Here goes. What it says is...

"Each of you must drive your
car into a wall at 30 miles an hour."

Yeah.

- "You lose 10 points if you're killed..."
- Okay.

"Five points
for each broken bone.

"And one point
for each blood injury."

- Right. That's...
- I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually.

- With your Volvo?
- With my Volvo.

What I can't trust is my Rover
made entirely of rust,

I'm feeling a bit scared.

James, are you all right?

- Have a crash?
- Yeah.

- On purpose?
- Yeah.

It's gonna be worse for him
there, 'cause he's in that rust car.

And doubly worse because it also says
here, that since you're the youngest...

- You're going first.
- Right.

- Goodbye.
- I admire your logic.

- Bye!
- Thank you.

20, 25...

30, 30 miles an hour...

I'm going in.
Oh, my goodness!

Well, um, my bones
all still work, I think.

And...

There's no blood.

I think my car has borne
the brunt of it.

I think it did quite well.
Next!

Well, it's been good.

I've met Jodie Kidd.

And Stephen Fry.

Yes, he's dead.

So, that's 10 points
away there.

And if you want a job
on Top Gear,

- please write to Top Gear...
- No, no, wait... Look, he's coming round.

- He is!
- He's alive!

He lives!

That's no 10 points off,
though. Blast.

The was probably the most
unpleasant thing I've ever done.

- Then it was my turn.
- And I had a problem.

The speedo wasn't working. So
I had to guess how fast 30 was.

And I got it a bit wrong.

Geronimo!

Damn. Damn.
I think I missed the wall.

We all lived, then.
But what about the cars?

Richard's Rover is dead.

James's Audi is dead.

But my Volvo?

Yes!

Yeah, yeah! All right.
Okay, okay.

Okay. So your car worked.
Great.

But you didn't, because I
have managed to secure this...

X-ray, now... What do
you think that is, Jeremy?

- It's an X-ray of a hand.
- It is, more specifically, your hand after that crash.

- That crash at 40 miles an hour.
- Yeah. Whatever.

The important thing
is this bit. Look.

The thumb, it's broken!

- No, It isn't.
- It is. You broke your thumb!

- James, Is that broken?
- It's broken.

It is.

- It's chipped.
- Oh! Look!

If a tea cup is chipped, my
mother would say it's broken.

Absolutely, it's broken.

It is, Jeremy accept it.
You broke your thumb.

That's five points off. So, minus
five, which brings your score...

If I'm right...

After all that
we've just done to 0.

No points at all!

But there is one challenge
left. And it is the big one...

It is the cost.

Now, we earn a point
for every pound we've saved

from our original £100 budget.

Jeremy, you have no points.
You're out of it.

I've got 25, Hammond.
You've got 10.

- So 15 quid either way could swing this.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Are you ready?
- Yep.

I have the receipt for my car.

- Okay.
- Here.

Come on.

- Tell me. Tell me.
- And I spent...

£75!

Right, £75.

So if I can be £15
under that...

Um, I've spent...

£80!

Which means James is ahead!

Oh, no! Which means...

Jeremy, unless you've
got your car for about £10...

James is going
to be the winner.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, no.

£1!

£1!

Yes!

The whole world...

Losers!

Losers!

There is, however,

just a couple more things we
need to say about these cars

before we move on.

First of all,
we didn't cheat, okay?

I actually got a friend of mine
to go and buy this Volvo for me.

And she came back
from the dealership

- having spent a quid.
- A pound!

Yes! A quid!

So, she couldn't believe
how much choice she had.

There were BM's and Audi's
and Ford's of all sorts.

But there's a very good reason
for all these cars being around.

It is because,
not so many years ago,

if your car was finally broken
and old and ruined,

you took it to the scrap yard
and they'd give you 20 quid.

That was the end
of the matter.

Now though, the EU says old cars
have to be recycled, which means,

you have to take it to the scrap
yard and pay the scrap dealer 100 quid

to take it off your hands.

Exactly, so when this friend of
mine went into the Volvo main dealer,

who'd taken this
as part exchange.

Okay, so he had to get
rid of it, cost him 150 quid,

she goes and says,
"I'll give you a quid."

He's £151 up!

- A quid!
- Absolutely.

No!

Got to move on now
to track days.

Uh, the idea behind this
is very simple.

You take you own car to Silverstone
Browns, Donningtons, wherever...

Flash it round, and then
drive home in the evening.

It's huge business now,
so big in fact,

that some car companies
are actually making cars,

specifically designed
for the job.

This is the Porsche GT3 RS.

And it comes with a choice of
colours, but only for the wheels.

The only colour you can have
for the body is white.

I drove a standard GT3 on the
show last year and I absolutely loved it.

So it's hard to see really, how
Porsche could possibly make it better.

But that hasn't stopped
them trying.

In essence they took a GT3
and put it on a diet.

They used titanium
for bits of the engine,

the springs
and even the wheel nuts.

The bonnet is carbon fibre,

and the rear window...

That's plastic.

To give you an idea of just how serious
this weight loss programme has been,

look at the badge. It's
normally enamel on a Porsche,

but on this...

It's a sticker.

You know, I'm going to feel
guilty driving around in this

in my clothes.

Ideally, I should do it naked.

So, what have
we ended up with here?

Well, it's not what
you'd call comfy.

I came down here last night

and this racing seat
gave me chronic back ache.

And then there's the ride.

Honestly, it would have
been more comfortable

to have been towed behind it,
on my face!

This is better.

But...

And it's a big, loud,
full-bodied "but."

When you get it to a track,
it all starts to make sense.

It actually feels like
it's been powered with fire...

Brimstone.

George Clooney thought that he
had experienced The Perfect Storm.

He should have had a go
in one of these.

The turning
is absolutely electric.

Nose goes exactly
where you want it to.

And although you don't
get traction control,

you don't need it,
because there is so much grip.

As a driving experience
this really is hard to fault.

It does, however,
have one problem.

Ferrari has made
a track car too.

Welcome to the 360 CS.

It's not cheap. At £133,000, it's
30,000 more than a standard 360,

and a whopping 50,000 more
than the Porsche.

For the purpose of this test, however,
I shall ignore the price difference.

And I shall also ignore
my prejudices.

You see, I think a Ferrari is a
scaled down version of God.

And a Porsche 911 is a
jumped-up Volkswagen Beetle.

All I'm interested in here is which
is the best piece of engineering?

And it's round one to the 360.

Porsche stripped 50 kilograms
out of the 911,

but Ferrari have lightened
their car by 110 kilograms.

That's what I weigh
and I'm really fat.

Inside, you don't get a radio as
standard, and nor do you get carpets.

So you're able to drive along
enjoying the beauty of those welds.

And instead of these
very heavy electric windows,

you can have a sheet of
perspex with a little flap in it.

If I had one of these, I would employ
someone to sit on it on breezy days.

To stop it floating away!

Round two goes
to the Ferrari as well.

Because the CS's engine
serves up 425 brake horsepower.

That's 44 more than
you get from the Porsche.

425 brake horsepower means
a 118 brake horsepower per litre

and that really is a quart
from a pint pot.

It is a remarkable
engineering achievement.

But does it mean the 360
is faster than the 911?

I feel a race coming on.

The Porsche has better
traction off the line

but then ever so slowly, the
Ferrari starts to edge ahead.

Where it stays... Just!

In fact, both get from 0 to 60
in around four seconds

and both have a top speed
on the exciting side of 180.

And you won't find that many differences
in terms of cornering speed either.

I'll let you into
a little secret,

the man in front of me,
the man driving that Ferrari

is the F1 team's test driver,
Luca Badoer.

And I'm keeping up with him.

And I'm not bragging or
anything but he is not getting away.

I'm spinning as well... Oh, no,
I've held it. Yes! I've passed him!

Eat my exhaust, Badoer!

So you're probably thinking at this point
that these cars are basically the same.

Both are lightened and fettled
versions of already very fast cars.

Both have mental performance,
monumental performance,

and both would be too noisy
and too hard on the road.

But actually, they're as different
as chalk and chicken liver pate!

The Porsche is very plain,
very simple.

It's like a green salad.

Now this,
on the other hand,

is more like
a flying fish wasabi.

It's much,
much more complicated.

You have a flappy paddle
gearbox, I still don't like it.

But it does at least
work on the track.

And you have a traction control
system that you don't get in the Porsche.

And you have a big button
that says, "Race."

Push it and the on-board computer
sets the car in psychopath mode!

I honestly
cannot believe this car.

It is so balanced,
so delicate, so poised.

And you have all the passion
and the soul...

And all this noise!

Then at 6,300 rpm the second
stage of the exhaust kicks in and...

You're off again!

And because you're sitting
here in a cockpit

with this bare carbon fibre, and no
carpets and a suede steering wheel

and a full race harness, you
really do think, "I am in a racing car!"

It brakes like a racing car. Have I mentioned
the steering? Have I mentioned that?

It's perfect. There is no
other word, it's perfect.

This then, is a great car.

But is it better than the 911?

Normally, I prefer mechanical
engineering to electrical engineering.

I prefer a bridge
to a Pentium processor.

So I should prefer this.

I should prefer the Porsche.

And yet here today, I don't.

If you want to go to a track and
be entertained, buy the Porsche.

It's a very, very good car.

But if you want to be astonished
you've got to have one of these.

- Yes. Yes, I know.
- £1.

Well, anyway, on the subject of price,
you said that for the purposes of that test

you would take price
out of the equation.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Can I just pop it
back in again?

Because that Ferrari is
£50,000 more than the Porsche.

- Fair point, well made.
- Yeah.

I'll stand by my decision, this is
the more exciting car, the Ferrari.

But I will agree, that because the
performance of the Porsche is so similar

you have to... It's remarkable
value for money, really is.

- So that's the Top Gear verdict on these two.
- Yes.

What we need now on them
is the Top Gear lap times.

Absolutely, we've got an
Italian car and a German car.

So what we really need now
is a fair-minded English umpire.

Bring him out, Stiggy Bird.

Off the line there,
plenty of wheel spin.

Naturally, the Ferrari is in race
mode which firms up the suspension,

speeds up the gear changes,
and backs off the traction control.

Except this is the Stig of course,
and he's got that turned off.

Sadly, he hasn't got
the stereo turned off!

Yes, this car is a lot more intelligent
than the man behind the wheel.

Looking good so far though...

Into Hammerhead, any
under-steer, let's have a look.

Absolutely none at all.

Into the Follow Through...

Oh, he lifted off, the
Ferrari got all twitchy there!

It may be packed with
computing power

but that 360 is still
a snorting stallion at heart.

That's the second-to-last
bend, that's the hard one.

Into Gambon corner, come on!

Come on, come on
and across the line in...

Yes, go on?

Okay, look,
here's the lap board.

- Yes?
- The McLaren Mercedes from last week, 120.9.

It's not gonna beat that.

These are the big
heavyweights.

Okay, we've got the
Lamborghini Murcielago, 123.7,

Zonda, 123.8,
Koenigsegg, 123.9.

- Ferrari CS, 122.3.
- No. That is...

Unbelievably fast.

That is...

That is some going.
Okay.

So to the Porsche, you
couldn't find any difference

between them in terms
of performance, all right?

So let's see if the Stig can.
Here we go.

Away he goes.

Now there's no fancy
electronics here, remember,

just the natural traction of
having the engine right at the back.

Already looking mighty fast into
the first corner. Plenty of tyre squeal.

Oh, this is what it's all
about, just a raw, simple car.

And a raw, simple driver
right on the edge.

Through Chicago, this is very
smooth, the tail kept nicely in check.

Hammerhead is coming up, now the
911 has so little weight over the front,

it might under-steer, but it
doesn't, he's got the tail out.

Now Follow Through...

Lifts off on the approach, but the
Porsche stays perfectly planted.

That is old-fashioned
mechanical grit for you.

Towards the finish, the 911's got a hell
of a job, remember, to beat the 360's time.

Up to the last bend...

He's got a bit of a drift on
there. And across the line in...

You might not believe this?
One minute...

- It's 1.22.3 for the Ferrari then.
- To beat, yeah.

1.22.3,
it's exactly the same!

And...

And next week...

Next week, we've got this thing's big
brother coming down, the Carrera GT.

I cannot wait for that.
See you then. Good night.

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE
of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97